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How The Terrible Happened

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Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
I posted this on a different site and so far alot of people have liked it so I guess that I'll post it on this site.
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Post: #1How The Teribble Happened

Chapter1
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To prevent some questions, I am creating my own new region and stuff so that’s why some of this stuff won’t be the least bit familiar.
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It was a day, not so long ago, maybe a month. I used to wear a red T-shirt and black jeans, I had light brown hair and greenish-brownish eyes, all that changed, my clothes are now ripped, my hair has so much dirt in it it’s nearly black, the eyes that I used to be told were full of joy and life are now full of sadness and fear. This town, it used to be full of life and many kids, until they hit, a group much worse than Team Rocket, willing to give lives to get what they want, and they did. We finally won the battle, but lost lives. I’ll tell you the story. I assure you, this is one adventure I’ll never forget.


One day I started out, my Plusle and Eevee by my side and my poke balls in my pocket. I went to meet my best friend, Star, a girl with red hair and blue eyes, she usually wore a light blue T-shirt and average blue jeans. We hadn’t had the idea that today we’d start the adventure of a life time.

“Hey, Lilly.” Star said cheerfully.

“Hey, Star.” I replied.

My Plusle ran to Star’s Minun and Eevee ran to her Vulpix. We saw two boys coming this way, they had two Pikachu out, one Pikachu had a little fur on its head messed up. I talked to them.

“Hi, I’m Lilly, and this is Star. Who are you?” I asked them in a cheerful voice.

“Hi, I’m Ash and this is Richie.” A boy with messy black hair and brown eyes, he was wearing a blue sleeveless sweater and black T-shirt sleeves coming from the holes where the sleeves would be, it had a light blue half-circle half way down the shirt, his jeans were light blue, he had blue sneakers, and a red hat that was black going vertically across the middle and a green half pokeball in the middle of that. The other had longish brown hair and blue eyes, he wore a green T-shirt with yellow on the ends of the sleeves, he had a dark green opened vest and green pants, he had a blue hat with yellow going horizontally around the middle.

My Plusle and Star’s Minun ran over to start playing with the Pikachus, of course Eevee and Vulpix followed.

“So are you guys beginning trainers or have you been traveling?” Ash asked.

“We’ve been traveling, we just had to stop in our home town to see our families. So I take it you’ve been traveling?” I answered.

“Yeah.” Ash answered.

“Well, are you guys heading to the gym in Rokset Town?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Richie answered.

“Well, we got to get to the boat to get there, it leaves in TWO MINUTES!!!” Star exclaimed.

“Star chill. Rapidash, go. Ash you can ride with me.” I said, I helped him get on and Star sent out hers and Richie rode with her.

We got to the boat as it was about to leave. It went off as soon as we got there. We just said that we’d wait a month for the next one. We went to my house to stay, my sister was already out on her journey and my mom was a professor out at a big convention, oh and if you’re wondering, my dad’s a member of team rocket. I went in the kitchen and got the phone, I hit the speed-dial button. A girl answered on the other line.

“Hello, how may I help you?” she asked.

“I’d like a large cheese pizza and four bottles of soda.” I answered.

“Ok. Name, address, and phone number please?”

“Lilly Masters, 30 Blackstone St. Limeston town, 509-989-4759.” I answered. There was a pause.

“Ok, 30minutes or less, bye.” She said rushing through the last sentence.

Ok, I’ll let you know from what a friend said was going on there, he had been there as a witness.

***
At The Pizza Place…

“Roxanne, who was that and did you blow our plan?” A man demanded in a loud voice.

“It was Professor Aurora Masters daughter. As far as I know she has no clue about our plan sir.” The girl who was on the food said.

“Her, I’ve seen her, put this in the pizza.” The man told Roxanne.

“But sir..” Roxanne started.

“Don’t worry, It will just make her and her friends sick long enough for our plan to be carried out.” The man had explained.

Roxanne nodded and put it in the pizza.

***
Back with us…

The pizza got to my house and we started to eat. Unfortunately my friend didn’t get to warn us in time
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
.. you know after reading a book that had a lovely mix of description of characters, their clothing, and speaking thrown together. This is .. horrible. And well, I don't see any effort to improve.

Laby Novel said:
"How would you know?" Sarah had half turned away, so as not to
flatter her stepmother with her attention, and was busy with putting
her book on the hall stand, unclipping her brooch, and folding the
cloak over her arm. "You don't know what my plans are. You don't even
ask me." She glanced at her own face in the mirror of the hall stand,
checking that her expression was cool and poised, not over the top.
She liked the clothes she was wearing: a cream-colored shirt with
full sleeves, a brocaded waistcoat loosely over the shirt, blue
jeans, and a leather belt. She turned even further away from her
stepmother, to check on how her shirt hung from her breasts down to
her waist. She tucked it in a little at the belt, to make it tighter.

It's a bit run on but you get the picture, the description was there because Sarah was checking out her own image, to try and make herself seem more adult, more cool and collected, older/more mature than she really is.

Your description though is ill fit. Instead of having it, since you are using first person, of your character, who is turning mary sue mind you, checking Ash out, you run on the description, just to try and seem improved.

But it's not. You haven't, this is still rushed and I bet still written up in the reply box. Or atleast this :/ wether or not you posted it in another forum. You could have gone through and edited, flushed and reworded. But evidently that's too much effort.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
The people on the other site like it, in fact one of them said they give me a 10/10.
 

The Doctor

Absolute Beginner
I think they were either pulling your leg or around 7 and 8. I went a 4kids forum and there was this horrible GX story involving Professor Yugi Moto...they lapped it up!

Seriously, I'll bet you just typed it up in the reply box. However, I'm not exactly partisan to that rule either; the first fic I posted was done in the Post New Thread section but I knew what I was doing. I can spot typos. But this is rushed at best.

Pretty ironic title if you ask me.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
Ya know what, just because you guys are jerks who hate my story dosen't mean everyone else is, so BITE ME!!!!!

P.S. Yami Ryu, you already think I suck so why do you read my stories, is it like a game to you, do you get enjoyment out of it?

last thing, on the other site someone wants to use my character in my story, and I'm saying yes.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Ya know what, just because you guys are jerks who hate my story dosen't mean everyone else is, so BITE ME!!!!!

P.S. Yami Ryu, you already think I suck so why do you read my stories, is it like a game to you, do you get enjoyment out of it?

last thing, on the other site someone wants to use my character in my story, and I'm saying yes.

Then how about you go to this other site. AND STAY THERE.

And that's a riot, saying that to me. I'm not the one blind and deaf to advice. Posting cram without taking it. Using a poor mans excuse to get away with it. If you really want to get better, realise we are trying to help you- instead of just rolling on the ground, hands over ears and throwing a tantrum like a baby.
 

Divinity_123

shove 'er in! ;O
Jerks!? Nah? Not jerks, just critics. Yami doesn't cook up a bunch of ppl and tell them to bash and make you and your fic look bad. Oh no, it's just that, you aren't that good. Don't want to be a hypocrite but you should seriously follow their advice. And using the same chracter for every fic you and your friend makes doesn't help at all.

And The Doctor is right, MAYBE THEY ARE pulling your leg! I mean seriously, if they like this fic they're smoking pot with a high dosage of cocaine. And maybe they do like it, but it really needs work.

And btw, ppl don't have to like your fic like Yami Ryu doesn't with many fics.

It is good to have some confidence and say you don't suck, because, how are you going to get better if you have such low self esteem. And why do ppl like it if you think you're a horrbile writer.

Anyways, have some confidence, listen to advice, don't get intimidated, don't ignore advice and have Fun writing! GOOD LUCK!
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
Yami Ryu you are the **** baby, do you understand that if you don't like my fan fic you don't have to read it, I've said this a million times but you don't take my advice, now do you? BUG SOMEONE ELSE WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY, OR AT LEAST WANTS TO HAVE SOMEONE TO ANNOY THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Shiny Star Vulpix, do you know how much of a flaming hypocrite you are right now? I did not swear in the post in this story. Yet you tell me to go and play with myself. How mature. And you claim we can't drag you down? To what, reality? That you suck? Fine, if you don't want to face reality, you keep those fingers in your ears and keep telling yourself you're good and all that, and when that doesn't work in real life and your boss fires you for being a lazy sod, you can blame him for being someone to drag you down ;/

So go on, keep those fingers in your ears, continue to write pathetic material. It's not us being blind little deaf bats.

I'll give you that which I gave your... friend. Oh and by the way, friendly advice. Mods can see deleted posts, cause you know I could have sworn your friend posted the exact same thing barely 30 seconds before you posted it. Also got his/her fic closed too. But not my fault you are both the same.
 

RaZoR LeAf

Night Terror
If you continue to do it you're going to get bannned. Perhaps then the time you have away from the forums can be spent on learning to spell. Whether or not you like spelling things properly is not an issue. if you want people to read your fanfic, then you should do the following things:
  • Attempt to make it legible to all. That means proper spellings and punctuation.
  • Give people an idea of what is happening. That means description.
  • Give people something to read. That means length.

As for what people on other boards have said, that doesn't mean anything either. The people who gave you 10/10 might have been at a different level of writing ability than Yami. She's been writing for several years. She knows what she's talking about. Don't belittle her because she's not gving you useless numerical ratings.
 

Ash_Fan_#1

<We are unbeatable~*
I'm a *****, get over it in therepy.
If I get banned than oh well, you can't bring me down, I actualy have a life and friends outside of this unlike you people, so screw you.
 
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