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Hunting for Hydreigon

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Turtlestarf, Jul 29, 2011.

?

Should Myles eventually catch the Sewaddle that bit him?

Poll closed Aug 3, 2011.
  1. Yes

    77.8%
  2. No

    22.2%
  1. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    Rated G, so far.

    Also if you want to find out when the next chapter is out just ask and I'll put you on the PM list and I'll PM you when the next chapter is out.
    PM List:
    kyogreblue3
    Luann
    zoruaruler
    Drayden
    destroyer39

    Hello, I am now writing this Fan Fiction along with my other, Victini's Rampage, check it out. But this story is about a wild Hydreigon hypnotized by team plasma that got loose. Now, Ethan has always wanted one and aims to catch it with the help of his best friends, Myles and Bel. I hope you enjoy it!

    Chapter 1: The Hunt Begins

    Ethan's mom has always told him to watch the news before he went to bed. That way he could know about any important events going on. Ethan didn't like watching the new but he didn't want to upset his. He lived in Nimbasa City and his mom was the city's gym leader, Elesa. His dad had died 3 years ago when he was 10, but he didn't like to talk about it.

    ["In other news, we have report of a wild Hydreigon flying above the city of Iccirus. We acknowledge you to stay indoors until the matter is resolved.]

    Ethan turned off the TV.

    He went upstairs groggily to say goodnight to his mom. He was really tired, but he couldn't go to sleep. He was too busy thinking about that wild Hydreigon. It was his life's dream to catch one of those Pokémon. He knew his mom would let him go, being a gym leader, she trusted him like that. But the journey was just so long. He'd have to go through Driftveil and Mistralton City. Not to mention the routes, and of course the mazy paths of Chargestone Cave and Twist Mountain. Maybe he could convince his friends!

    Ethan's friends were Myles and Bel. He met Myles at a day care center. Ethan's mom used to have to put him there when she had to be at the gym. Myles was eating a bowl of soup for lunch with Ethan. Myles fell back with his bowl, and he grabbed Ethan's shirt so he wouldn't fall but he just pulled him backwards with him. They both ended up with soup on their faces but they still became friends. Ethan met Bel when he was walking out of the Pokémon Musical. He tripped down some stairs and accidentally pushed her down.

    Ethan had a crush on her back then. He still does now, but he wish he didn't. Even though the were friends, Ethan always just fell so weird around her. But he usually got over it. Though he still had a crush on her.

    The next morning Ethan woke up and ran up to his mom.

    "Hey mom, if I get Myles and Bel to help, can I go on a hunt for that Hydreigon?"

    "I don't know..." His mom sounded hesitant.

    "Come on, I can handle it, you've seen me battle! I can defend myself and Myles and Bel can help too!"

    Elesa though about it and said,"Okay, I trust you, but first you have to get Myles and Bel to help you. And remember, they don't have to go if they don't want to."

    "Okay, don't worry. We'll come back together and say goodbye okay?"

    "Alright then." Now his Ethan's sounded proud of him.

    He ran over to Myles first. He didn't have parents at the moment. They were on a trip to Johto. They didn't bring Myles because the trip was for peace and quiet Myles didn't have anybody to watch him, because his parents trusted him. Myles quickly said, "Yeah, totally!", and they raced over to Bel's house. They weren't sure if her parents would say yes, they were a little protective.

    "Hey Bel, want to go with me and Myles to Iccirus City?"

    Bel responded,"Why do you want to go-", she cut herself off,"Ooohhhh. You want to get that Hydreigon."

    "Yup, that's the plan. I know it's far but don't worry we've all got each other's backs."

    They looked at Myles who was playing with a Sewaddle. After a while it bit him and he ran screaming,"AAAAHHHHH THE SEWADDLE POISONED MY BLOOD!!!"

    "Well, he's dependable most of the time..."

    "Okay", responded Bel,"but I don't know if I'll be able to go."

    Bel went inside to ask her parents if she could go on the Hydreigon quest. Ethan felt like she was in there a while. He was worried, what if her parent said no and didn't want her to see him again. No, he should only think positive. Eventually, she came out.

    "It took a lot of pleading and begging, but I can go!"

    Ethan and Bel walked over to Myles and told him that it didn't poison him. If he had gotten poisoned, he'd be on the ground hunched over in pain, pleading it would stop. Perhaps they were to descriptive to Myles, because on the way back to Ethan's house, he kept looking at the Sewaddle bite, poking it.

    When they got there, Elesa had put together small bags of food, water, and sleeping bags. She told them to put them on and that they would help on their journey. She didn't want Ethan to leave, but she also wanted him to catch the Pokémon of his dreams. She had to let him do this. Though it pained her to see him leave.

    Ethan's mom kissed him goodbye.

    "Bye mom! When I catch that Hydreigon, I'll call you on my Pokégear first thing okay!"

    "Okay", she responded," just try not to get hurt, and I'll miss you!"

    "I'll miss you too!"

    So, the trio went of on their journey to find Hydreigon. Ethan couldn't stop thinking about his excitement that he was actually going on an adventure to see a Hydreigon. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to catch it, but he didn't let that bother him. All that mattered at the moment was that he was going. Sure it would be long and hard, but wont it be worth it just to bee able to see a real live Hydreigon? He just wanted to explode with joy!

    "Hey Ethan, do you think we'll get there in time?", asked Bel.

    "What do you mean? In time for what?", he asked back.

    "Well what if when we get there, the Hydreigon flies away before we can even see it, what then?"

    "No, I'm sure we'll get there. After all, the news said it was just flying around the city. It's not like it has somewhere else to fly around."

    "I suppose..."

    "Come on Bel, we just got to think positive... wait."

    "What?"

    "Where's Myles?"

    "Oh on! We have to find him!"

    "I know, I know!"

    Ethan and Bel looked everywhere for Myles. He was just, gone! Eventually Ethan found a small tree. He looked up and Myles was asleep in it. They're was a Pansear, Pansage, and a Panpour asleep in his lap, well, Pansear was on his head. It was only the afternoon, but hey didn't want to disturb the Pokémon so Ethan and Bel joined in on the nap. Ethan was, once again, dreaming about Hydreigon. In this dream, he was riding on it, soaring through the sky. Every so often, Hydreigon would act like a rollercoaster doing all kind of fun maneuvers. He didn't want the dream to end, but it did when Pansage was licking his face.

    Ethan looked around to see Pansear jumping around with Myles. He also saw Bel and Panpour frolicking around.

    Myles and Bel came over and said,"Ethan, let's keep em'!"

    "Wha-uh...", he looked down at Pansage and thought for a second,"Well they are cute. Okay, let's keep them!"

    So Ethan got Pansage, Myles got Pansear, and Bel got Panpour.

    "Wow, we now have brand new Pokémon!", exclaimed Bel to Ethan

    He looked back at her and said,"Well, we still have a long ways to go..."

    End of Chapter 1

    Yes, I know, it's pretty short, but I'll try to make the next chapters longer, so please don't close this!
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2011
  2. Absol6028

    Absol6028 What did you say...?

    That should be 'He looked back at her' instead of ate. xD Cannible much? :p This one is considerably longer then your other so good job. Nice start
     
  3. Charmanderman

    Charmanderman Pretty Cool Bro B)

    Hmmm, interesting! The characters seem pretty likable. (especially Myles) A few typos, but that's not much of a problem. I would say to make it a bit longer though, the beginning seemed somewhat rushed. I may check on how this is doing later. Seems interesting.
    My only main problem is the word "HUNT" in the title. At least it's not exactly hunt though. Is it just me or do a lot of fanfics have that now? I know mine does, and I swear I saw another before....anyway, good job on this.
     
  4. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    Thanx, I did see a few typos but I'm too lazy to change them!
     
  5. kyogreblue3

    kyogreblue3 MySims Agent

    Ethan didn't like watching the new, but he didn't want to upset his.

    You need to put an 's' after 'new' and you need to add 'mom' after 'his'.

    He lived in Nimbasa City and his mom was the city's gym leader, Elesa.

    This part made me go like, "WTFG! ELESA IS HIS MOM?!?

    He knew his mom would let him go, being a gym leader, she trusted him like that.

    There should be a period instead of a comma after 'go'.

    Maybe he could convince his friends!

    Add more detail, like "Maybe he could convince his friends to come along!

    Ethan had a crush on her back then. He still does now, but he wish he didn't.

    It should be 'wished', not 'wish'.

    Elesa though about it and said,"Okay, I trust you, but first you have to get Myles and Bel to help you. And remember, they don't have to go if they don't want to."

    There's supposed to be a space after 'said,'

    "Okay, don't worry. We'll come back together and say goodbye okay?"

    Get rid of the 'okay' at the end. Makes the sentence repetitive

    "Alright then." Now his Ethan's sounded proud of him.

    Uh . . . this sentence doesn't even make sense

    He didn't have parents at the moment. They were on a trip to Johto.

    Get rid of the period and add 'because'.

    Bel responded,"Why do you want to go-", she cut herself off,"Ooohhhh. You want to get that Hydreigon."

    Yet again, you need a space after 'off,'

    They looked at Myles who was playing with a Sewaddle. After a while it bit him and he ran screaming,"AAAAHHHHH THE SEWADDLE POISONED MY BLOOD!!!"

    ROFL!

    "Okay", responded Bel,"but I don't know if I'll be able to go."

    Third time, space after 'Bel,'

    what if her parent said no and didn't want her to see him again.

    add 'Ethan though' at the end, and make all the words before that italic so it's like this: What if her parents said no and didn't want her to see him again? thought Ethan.

    Perhaps they were to descriptive to Myles, because on the way back to Ethan's house, he kept looking at the Sewaddle bite, poking it.

    The 'to' should be a 'too'.

    "Bye mom! When I catch that Hydreigon, I'll call you on my Pokégear first thing okay!"

    You don't really need the 'okay' at the end.

    "Okay", she responded," just try not to get hurt, and I'll miss you!"

    There's not supposed to be a space between " and just.

    Sure it would be long and hard, but wont it be worth it just to bee able to see a real live Hydreigon?

    Comma after 'Sure', wont should be won't, get rid of the last 'e' on bee.

    "Hey Ethan, do you think we'll get there in time?", asked Bel.

    There's not supposed to be a comma after 'time?'

    "What do you mean? In time for what?", he asked back.

    Same as above correction.

    "Well what if when we get there, the Hydreigon flies away before we can even see it, what then?"

    Put a comma after 'well' and get rid of 'what then' at the end.

    "Oh on! We have to find him!"

    Errr . . . it should be 'Oh, no!'

    They're was a Pansear, Pansage, and a Panpour asleep in his lap, well, Pansear was on his head.

    'They're' should be 'there'

    Myles and Bel came over and said,"Ethan, let's keep em'!"

    Space after 'said,'

    He looked back ate her and said,"Well, we still have a long ways to go..."

    'Ate' should be 'at'.


    Wow that was a super review. Took me a few minutes XD. And BTW, my corrections are in a different font. And this story has a nice start, and Myles seems like a funny guy lol.
     
  6. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    I just fixed most of those. I was REALLY tired when I made this.
     
  7. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    Hey, people! I'm probably going to try to get to writing the 2nd Chapter later today. I would have made it yesterday but I have writers block because I ALSO have to come up with a story-line for my other fan fic, "Victini's Rampage"... curse you writer's block!
     
  8. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    I finally got to writing Chapter 2, but I don't know how great this is going to be, because once again, I have writer's block. So, I'm basically just making this up right on the spot. Well, there is one thing I had help on...

    I have created a new character! kyogreblue3 helped me make up this character. I came up with the name though. This new character is a Pokémon Ranger and will act as a rival towards Ethan, who by the way is NOT named after the boy here form HG and SS!

    Also, to make this longer, I decided to add a strange Sharpedo that Ethan wants to catch, in honor of Shark Week.


    Chapter 2: The Ranger Rival and a Mysterious Sharpedo!


    "Hey Bel?", asked Ethan.

    "What is it Ethan?"

    "Well, we've been walking on this route for a while, when do you think we'll reach the next town?"

    "Here, let me check the map."

    She took the map out of here bag. The map was very large and detailed. Bel had a lot of maps. Cave maps, mountain maps, and even maps for other regions. Logan hoped that they were close. Myles was running around like a maniac telling people to watch out for any Sewaddle because it would poison them. Obviously he'd ignored what He and Bel had told him earlier.

    "Well, looks like we have to cross the Driftveil Drawbridge and we'll be in Driftveil City!"

    "Sounds simple enough."

    They called over Myles to cross the bridge. They got all the way to the middle of the bridge when it started to pull up like it usually did when a ship needed to passed by. Myles started sliding down but Bel grabbed him and then grabbed Ethan who was hanging onto the edge. He saw a man come sprinting out of a small, ticket booth-like building.

    He said, "Oh-no! I am terribly sorry children, the bridge is having a malfunction! I'll try to get you down as soon as possible!"

    Ethan then saw a strange fin popping out of the water. He didn't know what it was. Then, a strange Pokémon jumped out of the water and tried to get a bite out of him. It didn't look like any Pokémon he'd ever seen before, much less be one from Unova. Myles and Bel had seen the Pokémon too, as they had pulled themselves to the top of the bridge with Ethan. He looked at it real closely trying to get a good image of it. It looked familiar to him. After a couple of minutes he figured it out.

    "Ethan, that's a Sharpedo!"

    "A what?"

    "A Sharpedo, it's a Pokémon mainly native to the Hoenn region!"

    Myles knew this because he took a year long trip to Hoenn with his parents one time. That was also the year Bel took a trip to Johto. Ethan wanted to visit the Kanto region, but his dad had died in Sinnoh and his mom didn't want to risk going to yet another new region and risking another loss by not knowing what each different Pokémon was like. His dad died by a wild Luxray attack. Ethan always hated Luxray after that trip.

    "No, way! I have to catch it!"

    "You can't! Sharpedo are VERY aggressive Pokémon!"

    "So, that didn't stop my dad from trying to catch a Luxray."

    "Do you want to end up like your dad!?", Bel cut in.

    "......."

    "Yeah, don't try to catch it!"

    "No, I have to catch it! For my dad!"

    "But Ethan, it's already gone!", she said.

    "Don't worry, we'll see it again, I know that for sure."

    The bridge finally was back down again. The man ran up to them and apologized to them for about a minute. Ethan insisted that it was fine and the friends continued across the bridge. Just as they were about to enter the City, a strange person ran by knocking them down. He turned around to them and said sorry.

    "Hey, I'm sorry guys, and girl. I'm in a hurry!"

    Ethan got up and asked, "Where you headed?"

    "I'm going to Iccirus City for that Hydreigon."

    "No way! I'm trying to catch it too!"

    "Oh, I'm not a trainer, I'm a Pokémon Ranger."

    "What's that then?", Bel was pointing to a strange thing on his belt.

    "That's my styler, if I capture a Pokémon with it, I can use their powers to help me. But only for a little while. I'm going to use it to calm down Hydreigon."

    "NO!", Myles said after getting up as well, "Ethan is going to catch it."

    "Is that so, um, Ethan?"

    "Yup!", he responded, "By the way, I'm Ethan as you know, and these two are my friends, Bel and Myles."

    "Well I'm Mack, and I'm sorry but only my styler can calm a wild Pokémon like Hydreigon down."

    "Well, I bet that I can catch it and cool it down by befriending it!"

    "Hhhmmmm, looks like I've got myself a new rival."

    "More like you're MY rival."

    "Anyway, I'm going to get to Icirus City first, after I do some research on this Pokémon. Catch ya' soon!" Mack ran off somewhere into the big city.

    "Hey, Ethan, do you think we can challenge the gym leader here?"

    Myles had a goal to. He wanted to get all of the gym badges. He didn't want to battle the Elite four or the Champion, just the Gyms. Bel and Ethan always thought it was weird, but they respected his dream. Bel's goal was to BE a gym leader. She loved the Psychic type. So, she wanted to be the 9th gym leader of Unova who ruled with Psychic type Pokémon. She thought it would be cool be the Gym leader of Accumula town. Being the only region with 9 gym leaders would make Unova even more of a special region!

    "Sure! Why not?"

    "Cool, thanx a lot!"

    "No problem!"

    Myles went off to the gym of Driftveil to challenge him. Ethan sat by the bridge waiting for Sharpedo. Bel walked up with a worried expression.

    "Ethan, I don't think you should try to catch that Sharpedo. Who knows how aggressive it could be? I just want to keep you safe."

    "Come on Bel. I need to do this for my dad. He would have wanted me to catch it! I just want to do something for him, as a... goodbye gift..."

    "No, I can't let you! It's bad enough you're trying to catch a Hyreigon, now a Sharpedo?!"

    "Bel, just let me do this! Please!"

    "Fine... I just.... never mind." She sat down next to him, waiting for Sharpedo."

    After while, Myles ran up to them cheering holding a new gym badge.

    "You got it!" she said.

    "Yeah! I can't belive it! Now I have two gym badges!"

    Ethan came in and said, "Yeah, the one you got from winning against my mom... that doesn't sound right."

    "Yeah", he said, "it really doesn't."

    "Well, lets get some supplies from the Pokémart and head off!", she said.

    End of Chapter 2

    Call me lame but, I will not write what happens during battles most of the time, it's just WAY too much writing. Sorry!
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2011
  9. kyogreblue3

    kyogreblue3 MySims Agent

    okay, time for a super review XD.
    And BTW, in the beginning, you confused Ethan with Logan, the dude from your other fanfic, Victini's Rampage.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Well, we've been walking on this route for a while, when do you think we'll reach the next town?"

    I think it should be this:
    "Well, we've been walking on this route for a while. When do you think we'll reach the next town?


    Ethan always hated Luxray after that trip.

    ARGH!!!! Luxray is awsumsauce!!!!! How can Ethan hate that electric-type of EPICNESS?!?

    "So, that didn't stop my dad from trying to catch a Luxray."

    Get rid of the comma after 'so' and replace with question mark

    Just as they were about to enter the City, a strange person ran by knocking them down. He turned around to them and said sorry.

    City isn't supposed to be capital, and comma after 'by'.

    "That's my styler, if I capture a Pokémon with it, I can use their powers to help me. But only for a little while. I'm going to use it to calm down Hydreigon."

    Replace comma after 'styler' with period.

    "Anyway, I'm going to get to Icirus City first, after I do some research on this Pokémon. Catch ya' soon!" Mack ran off somewhere into the big city.

    Ya spelled Iciruss City wrong.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Overall, not many mistakes! Lookin' good! ^_^
    Mack is gonna PWN Ethan!!!!! RANGERS RULE!!!!! XD
     
  10. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    No, I spelt Iccirus City right, check bulbapedia.
     
  11. kyogreblue3

    kyogreblue3 MySims Agent

    In Bulbapedia it's spelled Icirrus City.
    hehe, even reviewers make mistakes ^.^;
     
  12. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    Everyone makes mistakes.
     
  13. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    BTW kyogre I just fixed the Logan, Ethan error!
     
  14. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    Okay, time for chapter 3! In this chapter we see what Ranger Mack is up too!

    Mack gets a call from Top Ranger Kellyn. He needs Mack to stop a wild Bisharp from wreaking havoc in Nimbasa City. So, can Mack stop this wild Bisharp and befriend it?

    The Idea for this tory was made by the help of kyogreblue3! But I made all of the details.

    And YES! I know it's really short!!!

    Chapter 3: A Usual Day for a Pokémon Ranger

    "Let's see, Hydreigon are part Dragon and Dark..."

    Mack was looking up information on Hydreigon before he tried to catch one as dangerous as the one in Iccirus City. He knew that Ethan wanted to catch the Hydreigon after his first encounter with him. He couldn't let that happen. There was no way a 15 year old boy could befriend a Hydreigon better that an 19 year old Ranger. After a while, his C-Gear was ringing. It was the X-Transceiver. He opened it up and saw that it was his boss, Top Ranger Kellyn.

    "Mack! We have an emergency!"

    "What is it Kellyn?"

    "You know Nimbasa City right? Well, there's a Pokémon attack going on there!"

    "Do you know who the Pokémon is?"

    "Yes, it appears to be a Bisharp. Be careful, it's steaming with anger."

    "Got it boss!"

    Ha closed his C-Gear and ran outside of the Nacrene Library. He didn't know how to get to the city so he ran just outside of Nimbasa. Looking around, Mack saw all of the Pokémon. He decided to choose the biggest Unfezant he could find. He pulled his styler off of his belt and began to catch the "Proud Pokémon".

    "Capture ON!"

    His styler started to circle the Unfezant. The Pokémon did not like this though as it used Razor Wind. The attacked knocked the styler off of it's course and hit Mack right in his face. He didn't let that bother him, but he did have a black-eye. He just began to circle it with his styler again. This time Unfezant tried to attack again but Mack guided the styler out of the way. Finally, he caught it. He got on it's back and ordered it to fly through the sky to Nimbasa City.

    Soaring through the sky was such a beautiful thing. Mack had done this before many times, but it was still so glorious. Looking down at all the clouds, cities, and Pokémon was just so cool. And of course, his favorite thing, seeing all of the battles between tough trainers. Mack had wanted to become a trainer before, but then he heard about Rangers. Protecting the region without being restricted to 6 Pokémon at once. He could capture way more with his styler. The only bad thing was that it only lasted so long before he Pokémon had snapped out of it and ran back to the wild. He was always upset when that happened, so he always had to make the time count. Eventually, he landed into Nimbasa City. He went over to Elesa, the gym leader/Ethan's mom.

    "Excuse me Elesa, but where is the Bisharp?"

    She had a worried expression and she spoke with a tone that sounded like she was going to cry, "It's over there on the other side of town."

    "Thank you for the information."

    As he walked away, he heard Elesa saying that she hoped Ethan was okay. He ran over to her and asked her,

    "You know Ethan!?"

    "Yeah, he's my son."

    "No way, I just talked to him yesterday!"

    "Oh, is he alright? PLease tell me he's alright!"

    "He's fine. In fact, he's probably still in Driftveil City."

    "So he made it there? That's good. Now he has to get to Mistralton..."

    "Well, I better get back to work."

    "Yes, of course."

    Mack sprinted over to the other side of town to stop the Bisharp from destroying the city. He saw the raged Pokémon. He realized that it wasn't just ANY Bisharp, it was a SHINY Bisharp. It had cornered some innocent bystanders. He walked over to it and got his styler ready. Bisharp turned around and was ready to fight Mack. It's face had an expression that said "How dare you try to stop me!" Bisharp knew the moves Night Slash, Iron Defense, Metal Claw, and Fury Cutter.

    Mack sent out his styler and yelled, "CAPTURE ON!"

    The styler started wrapping around Bisharp. It didn't like this so it raised it's metal hand and used Metal Claw. The styler flew into the air and fell back down with blazing speed. Mack ran over and caught it. He circled the Bisharp again and this time, it used Night Slash. Once again, the styler went soaring. This cycle kept repeating itself. He needed a plan to capture and befriend this strong Pokémon. But what could he do? It would just keep attacking the styler. Then it hit him. He just had to confuse Bisharp, and when Bisharp was confused, he'd have time to catch it!

    So, he circled the Bisharp, but just before it attacked, he guided the styler to move out of the way. It fell on the ground and Mack used it as an opportunity to circle it. It wasn't exactly the plan, but he went with it anyways. He kept doing this with the Bisharp. Every time it fell, he'd make the styler to circle it. After a LONG time of this routine, over and over agin, the Bisharp was caught. It had also calmed down. It stopped attacking and just sat on the ground. Mack walked up to it and started to stoke it. He'd never seen a Pokémon look so sad in his entire life. He had to find out what was wrong.

    He noticed there was something in it's hand. It was a Pokéball. A really old and dusty one too. Mack started to find out what was wrong.

    "Hey, is that the Pokéball you were caught in?"

    Bisharp shook it's head to say yes.

    "So, you're owner released you?"

    "Bish, Bish-arp."

    "If you want, I can be your friend. We can even travel together. Heck, I'll event take you on my missions! Every trainer needs a partner Pokémon."

    Bisharp though and replied, "Bisharp!", to signify answering yes.

    "Okay then, let's head back to base!"

    He found another Unfezant to fly him and Bisharp back to base. Once he got there, he went to his boss Kellyn.

    "Mmmm, I see you've completed your mission and befriended the shiny Bisharp as well. Congratulations, you've been ranked up."

    "Thank you so much sir! I can't believe it!"

    "Don't mention it. You're a spectacular Ranger! You should be proud."

    "Well, I'm headed back to Nacrene to finish up my Hydreigon research."

    "Farewell for now Mack!"

    "Bye!"

    End of Chapter 3

    Hope you liked it! I thought it was fun to make a chapter about what a Pokémon Ranger does almost everyday.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2011
  15. kyogreblue3

    kyogreblue3 MySims Agent

    Yay! Mack gets the spotlight! RANGERS ARE AWSUMSAUCE!!!!!!! XD
    Anyway, time for main corrections:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    He pulled out his styler off of his belt and began to catch the "Proud Pokémon".

    Get rid of 'out' between 'pulled' and 'his'.

    "Oh, is he alright! PLease tell me he's alright!"

    Replace the first exclamation point with a question mark.

    "So he made there? That's good. Now he has to get to Mistralton..."

    You need an 'it' between 'made' and 'there'.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Not much main corrections, so good job! ^_^
    And I loved this chapter because there's RANGERS!!!!!!
    But kellyn for his boss is kinda weird too me. maybe Barlow instead?!? just kidding XD
     
  16. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    Thanx, I fixed all of those errors!
     
  17. BynineB

    BynineB Wielding Übersaw.

    A lot of this seems forced.

    This paragraph rambles incoherently, clearly in an attempt to make exposition. You need to integrate that into your story carefully and bit by bit, not just throw random facts at the reader. That will take them out of the story. What makes the matter worse is that every sentence in that paragraph is simply a blunt, factual, voiceless statement ending in a period, which essentially makes the very first thing anyone reading your story would see be ... a list. That isn't a good first impression.

    Same thing. You rushed their backstories so much there might as well not be any at all, and the robotic, list-like way of expressing what had happened still persists.

    Detail, detail, detail. They "got" them? There was no hardships or bonding moments involved, not even a moment to choose which one they would pick? Wild Pokemon just out of the blue joined them?

    You're rushing this a lot, and it's pretty easy to tell. Also, you need to incorporate some voice, or at least some different sentence types, because as I said, I feel like I'm reading a list.
     
  18. Turtlestarf

    Turtlestarf (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

    Well sooorry! I have to come up with ideas for 2 stories! It's really hard to come up with ideas for 2 stories. Also, I'm pretty young, so this is kind of difficult to me, I'm trying my best!
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2011
  19. BynineB

    BynineB Wielding Übersaw.

    Only write one if two is too much trouble for you. You aren't under a time limit - just concentrate on fixing your mistakes and your story will improve dramatically.
     
  20. frogofdoom555

    frogofdoom555 (>:O) FFFFFFUUUUUU

    I like Ethan. He's a persistent boy who never gives up on his goals. To have a dream to catch a Rogue Hydreigon? That's a very big goal. But he sticks to it. That's what already made him a young man. I also hope that he runs into that Sharpedo again. Keep it up!
     

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