Hurro Islands (PG-13)

[Raito Clouds]

Notes: Of course, read the rules before rating or anything for that matter and I will try to update every week (Every Friday, Saturday or Sunday unless stated otherwise). The main characters name is going to be Diamond (Am I allowed?), but have no links to D/P or future manga characters. Hurro Islands are a part of the pokemon world, I haven't exactly pin-pointed where, but I will get map, and be updating each characters Trainer Card so you can keep track with each of them as they progress. Do not steal.

Chapter 1: Diamond's Adventure

"Ok, mum! I'm leaving!"

Diamond yelled as he rushed out the small home near the countryside. He had lived there (so his mother told him) all his life. The house was small, a pretty bland. A garden in the front and back, blue door, red roof. Bland. The was plopped in the middle of a huge gleaming grass feild. No other house in site. Diamond always wonder someone whould build a house in the middle of nowhere? There weren't any houses for miles, nor were there other people or pokemon for that matter miles.

"Diamond! Where are you going!?"

His mother shouted as she ran out the door behind him. Broom in one hand, whipping clothe in the other. She always cleaned, it's not like anyone was every going to see the inside of the house anyway! They never got visitors. Family was always "too busy" or it was too far for anyone to travel out there. whenever mother called some of there family (Uncles, cousins, brothers, etc) and they replied with a blant lie of "I'm dear, I'm too busy." Her expression after every call seemed as she had lost everything. . . Staring into nothing.

"Mum I told you! I'm going to travel around Hurro Islands! It's such a drag living here, and there aren't any pokemon! All the kids have school have pokemon because they live in normal areas. Unlike us. I'm 14 now and every gets to start being a real Trainer at 14. That's what I want to be!"

Diamond exclaimed dashing threw the grass to the small, dirt road that lead to Chance City (to the left) or Gal Harbor and the beach (the right).

"Wait Diamond! I never OKed the idea! Do you have money? Clothes? Transportation? You can't swim to the other islands you know!"

She helped trying to stop Diamond from leaving.

"Sigh, you're just like your father. Always running. . ."

She said to herself,

"You never even said kissed your mother good-bye."

"Oh, grow up Mimi. The boy sure has!"

Old Grandmother preached from your rocking chair as she glanced out the open door,

"I give him 2 hours before he returns anyway."

Grandmother started chuckling.

~At the harbour~

"Whew, I ran all the way here, and I'm never turning back! All I need is boat to take me to Grande Island where I can get my Trainer Card!"

Diamond said to him himself bursting with joy. Everyone knew, to get a Trainer Card to official battle Gym Leaders then the Top 5 Hurro Huricannes, the elites of Hurro Islands. It was a dream of Diamond's ever since he say a Trainer battle against the Huricannes (and lose) to challenge and beat them!

Diamond walked down the steel harbour, bustling with moving people, and stands selling abo****e crap souvenirs. But people bought them for whatever nostalgia they needed of Hurro Islands. Gal Harbour was, almost in fact, a gaint steel box plopped near the beach. The area of the harbour was extremely large and could fit quite a few people. Steel hand rails surround the harbour to prevent people from falling off. At the ocean end of the harbour, there were all the boats. Written in big white writing was lane 1-59. Each boat was granted a number, and that would be there lane. Of course, it was only for renting and for larger cruise ships and Marine Ships. On the left, numbers 60-100 were written in yellow. That's where all the private boats waited. They still need to rent a lane, and is cost much more. Diamond wasn't going to find anything cheap here to take him to Grande Island.

"Heh,"

Diamond said and peered over the right edge of the harbour to see a smaller, wood dock. A few fishing boats and cheap travelling boats were scattered around it.

"The poor man's harbour."

Diamond got off the Gal Harbour and took the stairs to the dock. He looked around and a few tourists were here and there, still crowded, but not as much as Gal Harbour. He say a man, roughly in his 50's, relaxing on a wooden brown boat. He had a white beard, and was bald. He had a black vest, and red and white striped shirt and regular blue pants.

"Hey! You! Sleepy head! Can you take me to Grande Island!?"

Diamond loudly spoke waking the man up.

"Eh? Kid, what's the deal? No need to yell."

The old man said.

"Sorry. Just a bit excited."

Diamond said smiling.

"Uh. . . Guess you're going to go get your Trainer Card, right?"

The old man asked.

"Yup!!"

Diamond eagerly said.

"Well than, for me to take you there. . . You're gunna have to pay."

The old man said still relax is his chair.

"Yea, yea! How much?"

Diamond insisted not really caring. All he wanted was to get to Grande Island.

"Hmm. . . How much ya' got?"

The old man man said slyly, trying to squeeze out of all Diamond's money.

"Let's see. . . 2 000!"

Diamond proposed taking out his money bag.

*Finally, my big pay off*

The Old man thought,

"It's a deal!"

The old man reached over and helped Diamond onto the boat, started up the sail, and headed towards Grande Island.

*Idiot. I still have 50 000 left! I knew saving up all that money was going to be a big pay off*

Diamond thought snickering a bit as he watched the old man.

"Hm, what's so funny kid?"

The old man asked.

"Nothing. . ."

Diamond lied.

"Anyway, called me Capt. Krove from now on!"

Krove boomed.

"Yes sir!"

Diamond obeyed.


And that's where his story begins. . . (I'll be post "Chaper 1: Trouble at Sea" tomorrow. You don't need to rate the overrall goodness/crappiness of the story sofar, just my writing for now ^__^). (More of the plot, and character info will be revealed in Chapter 2).

 

[Kage]

Prologues are supposed to be free of diologue, and serve the purpose of drawing the reader in with suspense and whatnot. This was more of a first chapter -- it introduced the main character and set up the rest of the story... but I have no real drive to read it.

So far it's dull. Diamond basically ran around and interacted with two people... who seemed to pertain to stereotypes somewhat as well. The mother, a widowed housewife (I assume, with the mention of his father and speaking with relatives making her sad), a giddy grandmother, a greedy old sailor. Even Diamond, the main character, was flat -- the only personality he displayed was boredem with being the only residents on the road/lack of Pokemon and enthusiasm about being a trainer. Blah.

There were quite a few mistakes -- extra words here and there, mispelled words every once in a while... run it through a grammar/spell checker then get someone else to proofread it. Although it seems basic and a juvenile thing to do, it helps.

The description itself was somewhat on the average side. You decsribed the locations alright (although the inclusion of nature, and not just the steel structure would have added to it in the second), although atmosphere would have helped. The reader should feel as if they were in the setting you're portraying. For example:

The wind stirred the long, plentiful grass. How is it possible to be surrounded by so much grass? Diamond thought in disdain as he glanced around, weary of the clean air and constant aroma of grass. The fields had become an eyesore in the fourteen years he had lived there, always having nothing to stare over save for the verdant blades.

This adds to both description and character development, by showing that Diamond finds his surroundings to be dull (the first paragraph helped, but really... would anyone find grass to be that interesting?).

Presently it seems to be treading in the direction of an original trainer fic. These are dull if they follow the games/anime nearly to the letter. Give it a twist and people will be more willing to read. Every fic has potential, you just have to tap into it.

--Kage

 

[Comis Patronus]

Kind of long.......but it's great.^_^

 

[Raito Clouds]

Prologues are supposed to be free of diologue, and serve the purpose of drawing the reader in with suspense and whatnot. This was more of a first chapter -- it introduced the main character and set up the rest of the story... but I have no real drive to read it.

So far it's dull. Diamond basically ran around and interacted with two people... who seemed to pertain to stereotypes somewhat as well. The mother, a widowed housewife (I assume, with the mention of his father and speaking with relatives making her sad), a giddy grandmother, a greedy old sailor. Even Diamond, the main character, was flat -- the only personality he displayed was boredem with being the only residents on the road/lack of Pokemon and enthusiasm about being a trainer. Blah.

There were quite a few mistakes -- extra words here and there, mispelled words every once in a while... run it through a grammar/spell checker then get someone else to proofread it. Although it seems basic and a juvenile thing to do, it helps.

The description itself was somewhat on the average side. You decsribed the locations alright (although the inclusion of nature, and not just the steel structure would have added to it in the second), although atmosphere would have helped. The reader should feel as if they were in the setting you're portraying. For example:

The wind stirred the long, plentiful grass. How is it possible to be surrounded by so much grass? Diamond thought in disdain as he glanced around, weary of the clean air and constant aroma of grass. The fields had become an eyesore in the fourteen years he had lived there, always having nothing to stare over save for the verdant blades.

This adds to both description and character development, by showing that Diamond finds his surroundings to be dull (the first paragraph helped, but really... would anyone find grass to be that interesting?).

Presently it seems to be treading in the direction of an original trainer fic. These are dull if they follow the games/anime nearly to the letter. Give it a twist and people will be more willing to read. Every fic has potential, you just have to tap into it.

--Kage

Thank you. That's exactly what I wanted to see. Someone posting every fault so I could improve. I did plan from the start to add twists and such. I'll most likely get the second chapter written within this week (my computer wasn't working and I've been very busy). So, thanks again.

 

[Raito Clouds]

Chapter 2: Storm Of Fate? Part I

"Sigh, Captain, are boat rides always this boring? It's so hot. . . There's no shade on the boat, either!"

Diamond fussed about peeling off his jacket ans plopping on down on the ground.

"Kid, I didn't say boat trips were fun."

Krove chuckled at Diamond steering the S.S Crab through the pristen sea,

"So kiddo, do ya' have any pokemon?"

Krove asked looking slightly over his shoulder.

"Uhh. . . actually no."

Diamond sighed extreme embarrassed.

"No Pokemon!!"

Krove was shocked,

"What the hell are you doing trying to become a trainer with no pokemon!!?"

Diamond dropped his head slightly and turned away out of shame.

Krove was quick to yell, and hurt his pride. He felt like an idiot yelling like that.

"You could always down into the room below if you want to get out of the sun."

Krove said trying to cheer Diamond up.

Diamond nodded and left to enter the room below by the flat door on the floor.

The door creaked open and needed a good tug to finally shut. It was cooler, down here. But much darker. Only some light could beam in through the small windows running down the hall leading downards. The farther down the steps he got, the smellier it seemed to get. Like some fruit had gone bad for a few weeks. The boat bounced around knocking Diamond in the hard bed, and into a deep sleep.

He didn't know how many hours he had slept for, but the sudden jerking movement and thrashing of the ocean waves flung him to the floor from the bed. Diamond fitted on his shoes and jacket and ran onto the ship deck.

"Captain! What's going on?!"

Diamond burst through the door trying to hold his balance as feirce rain showered down from the sky.

"There's a storm obviously, and we are under attack!"

Krove didn't even look at Diamond. He spoke loudly and birskly keep his motions transfixed to fixing the broken sail. 3 gaint crabs shuffled around on the boat helping Krove.

If almost like an explosion, and giant beast of the ocean burst of into the air throwing endless waves of water against the boat knocking over Diamond and throwing to the other side of the boat. Almost as feircely as it burst from the water, in dived right back in.

"Wh-what the hell was that?!"

Diamond shocked in horror as he saw 3 other beasts burst from the water, some blasting huge blasts from to make even more waves.

"Heh,"

Krove said in an almost lax matter,

"Gyarados."

It clicked in Diamond's head. A pokemon. That's what those 3 giant crabs were!

"Brase yourself, Diamond!!"

Krove shouted hugging the sail poll as the 3 giat crabs followed suit. For someone reason Diamond did not understand, Krove started writing something and stuffed in, and a crab into a ball. (A pokeball no doubt).

It was extremely frightening, when the giant Gyarados bulleted out of the ocean, The water erupting out behind it causing giants waves of dark water, and then in a flash, the Garados came crashing down on the ship shattering it into pieces.