Hyrum.

[Godslayer]

This is the tale of Hyrum.

unit one- Hecanesia
unit two- Slums and Kamria
unit three- Begin: Hecanesian Cup
unit four- Hyrum's Match

Concept art for Hyrum:
Hyrum
Kamria
Dunsparce
Milania, Mags, and Hyrum
Kelnica
Any reviewers will be rewarded with me posting up more concept art for their contribution to the thread.

unit one
-Hecanesia


A man stands aboard the SS Sue, the enormous and illustrious cruise liner heading for the capital of the island nation Hecanesia. This man, Hyrum Fearghas, is extraordinary in a number of ways. Most evidently, he nears seven feet in height. He is a giant with red hair and long legs sheathed in huge, baggy pants, a billowy hoodie on his torso and a clip of Pokeballs on his belt. His large jacket’s hood is up, and three black lines trace the side of his head. Another three lines circle the wide, lower end of his sleeve. His attire is out of place amongst the other men, their suits crisp and dark, nor is it a fitting coupling to the ladies gowns. They turn their noses at him, call him a vagabond when they think they can’t hear, in languages they think he can’t comprehend. Well, the jokes on them, because his hearing is uncanny, and language is no barrier when he’s equipped with his top of the line Externaphone, fit snuggly to his ear. It’s not that he is unkempt or badly dressed. His fashion is simply different, and they resent his youth. The fact that he trains Pokemon for a living- not just as the hobby of a child- also seems to rub the aristocrats of the Sue the wrong way.

Another special thing about this particular giant of a trainer is the fact that he has won three league titles, in Hoenn, Johto, and Kanto, and is currently looking for things to occupy his time. In fact, the very reason Hyrum is aboard this vessel is because of the fact that the regions biggest tournament- the Hecanesian Cup is only a week away. The trophy won within is the most sought after award in all the Hecanesian islands, and is said to bear the three heads of the Kamria, the national beast. Hyrum was invited to the tournament by the Hecanesian Cup organization comity and assigned a ticket to the Sue. Having had enough of vacation, Hyrum choose a line up from his multitude of Pokemon, packed lightly, and headed out.

Now Hyrum looks upon the brooding sea, watching a thunder cloud create itself. At the first, small eruption of thunder, most of the ladies drag their partners below deck. Eventually, as they draw ever closer to what appears to be a massive storm, all his boat-mates have fled to the safety of their cabins. Not Hyrum. The vessel crashes into a vertical wall of water that compliments the horizontal one below, drenching Hyrum thoroughly in seconds. The overhead cacophony renews its vigor as if responding to an unspoken challenge Hyrum has put to it by staying on deck. A strobe of lightining flashes all around him.

Tired and cold, Hyrum concedes to the storm, and heads for his small, but plush, accommodations. He walks the halls of the ship, lit by recessed circular lighting along the wall, and looks at his palm, where he’s written

34 C

Thirty-four C… Looking around, he realizes he is in the B section, and is one floor down. Forsaking the steps for a more direct ladder, Hyrum fits himself down a tube to the next deck down. Thirty-three rooms later, he opens the door whose front is carved into the face of a Rentoraa and drags his water laden self into the room. He strips and places his soggy clothes, save the clip of Pokeballs, into the vacuum shoot for overnight cleaning.

Hyrum climbs into his small, one person bed and releases his Pokemon. First, a pink, pear shaped creature, dreadlocks falling from the side of his hair, egg resting in a pouch on his front, whose melodious voice is marred by the translation software in his ear into a flat tone. Chans, the unimaginative nickname for this member of the species known as Chansey, greets Hyrum and promptly sleeps in a nook where wall meets wall.

The next monster hovers in the air for a second before landing near the Chansey. It is composed of three gleaming steel orbs, two magnet shaped appendages spring from each sphere. They are held together by small ridged cylinders, and a glossy unemotional eye lay within each sphere. Magneton, or Maggie as Hyrum likes to call her. Though genderless, Hyrum uses the romantic nautical naming system when referring to the Magneton.

Emerging next is a tall, scarlet feathered Pokemon. Her talons gleam and her long smoky white feathers fall on her back. She has long powerful legs, and two red horns adorn her mask-like face. Blaziken is her species, her name of birth, Kelnica, is what Hyrum refers to her as. She decides to sleep within her pokeball for lack of hard ground to sleep upon, so Hyrum recalls her and latches her to his belt.

From there emerges a wormlike Pokemon, tail ended with a sharp point. His wings beat furiously for a moment before landing on Hyrum’s expansive torso. His slit -like pupils that trick a foe into believing it is asleep are covered by its true eyelid, and it quickly travels to Nod. Despite its small size, Hyrum’s Dunsparce, Pierce, is Hyrum‘s only constant, as far as his team line-up is concerned. Pierce has a certain cunning about him, something irresistibly powerful within the little body- his mind. Hyrum likes to tell himself he sees three steps ahead of any battle, but he knows Dunsparce stays four. More often than not, any commands Hyrum gives are just to make sure his image isn’t ruined by looking like his Pokemon know better than he.

Hyrum skips over the ball holding his enormous whale Pokemon, Wailord. He would capsize the boat if released, Hyrum bet.

Finally, Hyrum’s second largest Pokemon settles itself in the center of the floor. The boat tips almost, but not quite, imperceptibly. Navy blue, its is composed of a large thick disk surmounted by a golden x across its front with eyes in the nooks of the x. Four appendages lower the body to the ground, they themselves massively hard and heavy, with three small claws each. Metagross, whose nickname Meta is as clichéd as Chans, sleeps as quickly as Hyrum’s other Pokemon. Before passing out himself on his too small bed in which he must bend his legs to fit, Hyrum fondly thinks …The gang’s all here…

Hyrum is awoken bright and early the next morning by the intercom announcement informing him of his single hour remaining before docking in Crail, Hecanasia’s capital island. Hyrum rises, discarding and awakening Pierce the Dunsparce who flaps his wings discontentedly once before falling into a stupor once again. As Hyrum rubs the sleep from his eyes, he steps upon the huge Metagross on the floor, who acts like a bridge and obstacle to the other side of the room all at once. Descending from Meta, Hyrum pulls a vacuum sealed package from the clothes chute- his clothes, fresh and clean. He dons his undershirt and socks, then his baggy hoodie and equally voluminous pants. Hyrum slips on his large shoes, lace-less, with three black stripes along each side of each shoe, countered by a large white striped down the top to compliment the intervening red between black. Hyrum packs his equipment, and recalls his Pokemon into their spheres one by one, lastly with Metagross whose absence makes the boat fail to be imperceptibly un-tipped again. Shouldering the strap of his pack, Hyrum makes for the deck.

The salty, early morning air that filters through the slight congestion in Hyrum’s nostrils is pleasing, refreshing, and just what was necessary to fully awaken the giant. The Sue is in Crail’s harbor, progress impeded by a backup of other ships vying for the all too few docks the city provides.

Hyrum surveys the city island. It is hilly, with mounds of buildings rising and falling on its outskirts like the huge waves of the surrounding sea, while a central , enormous hill houses a glimmering downtown area, filled with skyscrapers on terraced lands, along with, rising high but stout looking with a great wideness, the Coliseum. It was a rotund but terribly tall structure. Blue and white and orange colors the hues of Hecanesia, adorned the massive stadium. Many dozens of flags waved atop it. Near it, at the pinnacle of the pseudo-mountain was a large central square where dozens of smaller obelisks surrounded a similar pyramid topped tower, all obsidian black. The outer rim of the city was taken up by slums, umpteen aluminum shacks glint where the rust doesn’t cover. They rise and fall with the waves of the many knolls, and though their colors vary widely, they all wear the uniform of poverty.

Eventually, the Sue makes its way to port, and releases its passengers, of whom Hyrum is the first to disembark. His cell phone rings, and he is informed to head towards the tall orange flag in the crowd to reach the taxi that has been arranged to transport him to the Coliseum.

The taxi was monstrously small. Appallingly so. After a forcible veto of the thought of Hyrum clinging to the backside of the car from the small, dark skinned driver whose mustache was curled so finely it made Hyrum think of a Poliwrath’s stomach, Hyrum squeezed himself into the car.

“I feel like a sardine,” Hyrum complained, and indeed, he was made to twist so that his legs reached the opposite side of the car and were still very uncomfortably crumpled.

The cab driver responded by putting up the tinted window between he and Hyrum.

“I’m so unloved.” Hyrum sighed. Several times during the ridiculously long tire-trek, Hyrum wondered if it would be better in the long run if he just abandoned the car all together. There seemed an inordinate amount of traffic jams in the city. Although lowering the windows and shouting was traditionally the drivers job, Hyrum decided to help out. Much too long of a time later, the cab stopped in front of the mighty Coliseum. Finally free, Hyrum stretched luxuriously before entering the massive doors. Looking up the many hundreds of feet of the stadium, Hyrum noticed an incredible amount of sculpture, a horde of hideous Pokemon gargoyles staring down on them, their black stone eyes mixed with the darting fidgety stares of dozens of Pidgey in their roosts.

“Heca' Cup, you're mine"

 

[Willow's Tara]

Um, interesting, althought some of it felt like a bit big amoutn fo text but that doesn't mattrer, but I would like to see where this goes

 

[Godslayer]

I dont think the actual text is big I just think the issue is large paragraphing. Is there a way to double space?

 

[Godslayer]

Only four pages... Didn't want to start the tournament in this one.

unit two
- Slums and Kamria

Hyrum is given accommodations along with the other sixty-three trainers in the tournament in the Trainer Village, a compound beneath the Coliseum that smells of pineapple due to the immense amount of pineapple cleaning projects the Hecanesian maids choose to use. Hyrum dislikes the scent however, and spends his waking hours in the city.

Hyrum visits the central obelisk square. They rise, black and insidious over Hyrum’s head into the sky. As he weaves in and out of their bases towards the square’s center, they grow ever taller, until he reaches the most mighty one of all. Unlike the others, there is writing, all over it. Huge amounts of text cover every side and seem to stretch up and up. He reads a plaque on the ground, informing him that no one knows what the central obelisk says, or what the obelisks’ purpose was to Hecanesian ancients who built them at the pinnacle of Crail. How can they write so much about nothing? Hyrum thought. He grew tired of the pointless statues.

Hyrum pulled out his traveling glove and put it on his right arm. The glove was like the underside of an Octillery tentacle, except in miniature, so you could barely see the individual cups. He released Maggie, and gripped one of the screws that latched her orbs together.

“See the top of that obelisk Mags? Take me up there.” Hyrum said quietly to his Pokemon. Hanging by one arm, Hyrum was pulled in defiance of gravity to the top, swiftly. The point of the Obelisk was very fine, only allowing him to place a single foot atop it so as not to strain his arm as much. He viewed the panorama of Crail. To the south, the mighty harbor, still congested as Hyrum’s large nose. North, the hills rose to create seaside cliffs housing the poorest of the poor. west, the industrial area, and east, a glittering and pristine zone of wealth.

“Take me north” Hyrum said to the Magneton. He was pulled from his perch atop the obelisk, and flew away, latched on for his life by his suction glove. It must have been a sight for the people below him as he cleared the roof tops and headed north, his enormous body propelled by an object who in comparison was near invisibile. Hyrum’s body swung wildly as a skyscraper was avoided. The drew nearer and nearer to the slum-land. On the horizon Hyrum spotted more clouds, but were they clouds? Or something more? He had never seen a cloud dilate and undulate so. Before he could truly concentrate, Maggie began her descent into a narrow street, which was rimmed by a succession of not housing, that would be to great a word for these structures, but boxes. Aluminum, even cardboard, scrap metal and wood went in to making them. Hyrum wondered how such a dichotomy of wealthiest of wealthy and poorest of poor is allowed to go on.

Hyrum walked down the dirt road, Magneton behind his broad shoulders. People shot looks in his direction as he walked by. In addition to the attention he would receive due to his height, he also was painfully aware of his clothing, which was beautiful and expensive. Hyrum was wary as he strolled through the destitute homes. Groups of men and boys spoke conspiratorially as he passed. Hyrum thought he heard gunshots in the distance.

Suddenly, before Hyrum knew what was happening, he was surrounded. 5 lanky, underfed young men stood in a haphazard circle about ten feet away from Hyrum. They thought they were slick, as he walked, the walked, one behind, one in front, two on his left and one on his right. The glances they gave each other and the similar red bandanas they wore gave it away. Hyrum placed his gloved hand on Maggie. He whispered a signal to vamoose, and they did. Hyrum felt as though his arm was almost ripped from its socket as the Magneton ascended at a breakneck rate, above the slums. The small gang below them pulled out small firearms and tried to shoot them out of the air, but Magneton was clever. He pulled nauseating maneuvers in mid air, keeping Hyrum out of danger.
Not clever enough however. A pullet impacted one of Maggie’s three orbs, leaving a large dent in her armour. They fell alarmingly for a moment, but Magneton was far less affected by a bullet than Hyrum would have been. She flew upward, on and on, leaving the island and traveling atop the clouds, then suddenly, she began falling at an angle towards the central hill of Crail. Pure terror gripped Hyrum as vertigo washed through his body and his stomach leapt into his neck. He thought Magneton was unconscious or dead for a moment, but she was neither, only efficient.

Their descent slowed, and Hyrum made a light touchdown in front of the Coliseum. It was twilight, and the sun had all but disappeared over the scarlet horizon. The strange storm clouds loomed on the dark side of the ocean, and Hyrum again did not have much time to notice them before he went down the staircase, clutching the railing for support as he had yet to recover from his flight. Magneton flew down the stairs with him, and Hyrum quickly released his other Pokemon to accompany him before he slept again.

***

The next day the rain began, harsh rain that echoed all the way to the underground village, massive doses of thunder striking at Crail cruelly and with a swiftness that cannot be anticipated. Hyrum spent the day with his Pokemon released in his pineapple scented room. Calling up the Village library database on his computer, he picked out a book on the Kamria to read on his small reader screen.

The Kamria is said to have been the force behind the creation and unification of the Hecanesian islands. The book told the story of the fabled three headed beast, how he came to create the islands by using the powers of the volcano to raise the ocean floor above the waters. It had the majestic and enormously powerful body of a wild feline, main collaring a large catlike head, from which the powers of fire emerged and were centered, and below that lions head was the head of a goat whose horns controlled the wild beast above and was the source of his intellect. Instead of a normal tail, the Kamria had lithe snake who saw what was behind him and protected him from surprise. He created the islands and called for a people to come to him. Those of necessary virtue journeyed to the island, it is said, and lived in harmony beneath their protector, and the Kamria was well pleased. Then the Kamria created other beasts to live with the humans and balance the ecosystem he had created.

What beautiful propaganda the founders of this nation employed, thought Hyrum. Tell them that they are descendants of the most virtuous people in the land and have the blessing of a powerful beast. And mandate of the government is a mandate of the Kamria, right?

The Kamria was slain however by an angry god who flew atop a black horse whose wings were those of a dragon and whose icy breath was that of death. The god was furious at the Kamria for inviting the most righteous people in his nations to Hecanesia, and wanted them back. The Kamria died defending his followers, who in turn denied the offer to return to the angry god’s countries.

A common enemy will always bring a people together, Hyrum pondered. Even if he is ambiguous and long gone.

Hyrum’s reading was interrupted as he watched Pierce, his yellow and blue Dunsparce, play a game of ‘you can’t get me’ with Chansey. Later, after Chansey was thoroughly exhausted and Dunsparce remained untouched, the Pokemon settled to sleep, a long with Hyrum, having spent the whole day on Hecanesian history.

Tomorrow begins the tournament.

 

[spareux]

Usually I don't really like fictions that use the present tense rather than the past but this one I actually enjoyed.

The plot is still unfolding and blossoming which makes me want to read on; and the story of and/or the chimera itself clearly has something to do with the main storyline. You have also left a wide opening in the part of the second chapter where Magneton is described as 'efficient,' as the Pokemon has clearly attempted to escape something. I like the settings as the islands clearly have a lot of history, and I wonder if he will be visitng any others.

The choices of Pokemon is also interesting, mixing the powerful and the over-rated with the not-so-powerful and the underated.

One thing you have to watch out for is punctuation when you are describing someone speaking. At the very least you must always put a comma after speach. Or that's how I was taught anyone. E.g;

"Hello there" said Nick should be "Hello there," said Nick. The comma always goes before the close speech marks.

Also, thungs like "Hello there." said Nick. Should be "Hello there," said Nick.

Nice story overall. I want to see how the plot unfolds and where this is going. Keep it up!

 

[Godslayer]

Many thanks, -4J-, for reviewing.

Usually I don't really like fictions that use the present tense rather than the past but this one I actually enjoyed.

Hoowah!

The plot is still unfolding and blossoming which makes me want to read on; and the story of and/or the chimera itself clearly has something to do with the main storyline.

Right on, thats exactly what the Chimera deal is meant to do.

You have also left a wide opening in the part of the second chapter where Magneton is described as 'efficient,' as the Pokemon has clearly attempted to escape something.

I'm afraid I don't catch your meaning, care to reiterate?

I like the settings as the islands clearly have a lot of history, and I wonder if he will be visitng any others.

Hecanesia is made up of hundred of islands, dozens of which are heavily inhabited. Crail, the capital, isn't even the largest, so who knows where Hyrum is going?

;376; : Uh, you do?

The choices of Pokemon is also interesting, mixing the powerful and the over-rated with the not-so-powerful and the underated.

What can I say? I like my kick-assery to be diverse. Plus, Dunsparse owns.

One thing you have to watch out for is punctuation when you are describing someone speaking. At the very least you must always put a comma after speach. Or that's how I was taught anyone. E.g;

"Hello there" said Nick should be "Hello there," said Nick. The comma always goes before the close speech marks.

Also, thungs like "Hello there." said Nick. Should be "Hello there," said Nick.

Much oblidged for the tip.

Well, thanks for the reply again. Reward: More concept art!


Edit: In fact, every reviewer will be awarded with some concept art.

 

[Godslayer]

unit three
- Begin: Hecanesian Cup


The next day, as morning dew still dappled the grass outside the Coliseum, the trainers were ushered into the main arena viewing grounds. Up an old and worn out staircase, through set after set of doors, the sixty-four shuffled, led by a small prissy woman, her hair tightly curled and her business suit well pressed. She held herself with an air of false importance, like many who have tasted but not yet achieved any sort of true power. Her façade of control was further enriched by her height, or lack thereof, which Hyrum could only assume was the second ingredient in her formula for attempted dominance. She barely reached Hyrum’s bellybutton. She took them through utilitarian hallways, bare and unappealing, one after the other, until they unexpectedly burst into the arena.

An excited announcer’s voice rang out through the speakers adorning the walls of the trainer section seats, “Ladies and Gentlemen! The trainers competing in this years Hecanesian Cup have just entered! Such illustrious names as Richordio, King of the Hecanesian pseudo-League, Milania, newly titled as a member of Shinou’s fledgling leagues’ Elite Four, and the reigning champion of Hoenn, Hyrum Fearghas grace our Coliseum’s presence this day! The tournament is begun, let Kamria smile upon their heads!” as dozens of levitating cameras from various agencies swarmed them.

Looking out into the arena himself, he saw it was a perfect circle, with a square plateau within, a foot above ground level, tiled and marked off with trainer and referee and battle areas. Rising above it as the sides of a can would rise above its bottom, was the audience, cheering, singing battle cries, waving flags and their shirts, all standing in their rows of seats that ascended vertically in contrast to the traditional sloping seating arrangement of other stadiums. No one seemed to cross a certain point infront of their seats, and Hyrum tested a theory he concocted just then- yes, reaching out he could feel the invisible force field that kept accidental falling from the upper rows as well as purposeful throwing of objects into the arena.

At the top of the Coliseum, the roof was pounded by rain, driving torrents it sounded like. Even with the roar of the crowd in his ears, the rain outside was very much a presence. The drumming beat of rain mingled with the ululations from the crowd, creating a peculiar harmony of the chaos of both nature and humanity. The cold, dirty metal of the stadium is warmed by the song of thousands.

“Now, we announce the first match-up of today’s fifteen scheduled battles! One moment…” the announcer enthused. Rustling paper can be heard from the speakers. “The first battlers are,” he says, drawing out the r in are for a moment, “Richordio against Vellumini Glatz!”

Hyrum watches as Richordio, who sits three seats away, is transported down to the arena. First, four wall come up to his shoulders, jutting from the ground unexpectedly, and then, the floor beneath him gives out, and for a moment he just falls. At the last instant, the antigrav technology beneath the fortified seat kicks in, and he is flown directly to the trainer box. Vellumini repeats the process, landing opposite Richordio in the second trainer area. Two referees emerge from tunnels on either side of the arena, and take their opposing positions halfway between the battlers.

The referees wave their green flags in unison. Go.

Vellumini rips a black and white orb from her wrist, and releases her first Pokemon, while Richordio does the same, pulling a sphere from his belt. Vellumini’s Pokemon is massive, nearing Hyrum in height, doubling him in width. Clad in grey and black armour, it wears stout, three foot long horns like a crown. His armour is punctured at main points, scratched and dented in more, but rather than shame, it is pride that shines through these holes and cracks. His claws gleam, both feet and arms. His tail flickers, flexible even in its protection. An Aggron, mighty as any. Hyrum considered using one for the tournament, but thought better of it and chose Metagross instead.

Richordio’s monster is half Aggron’s height, slender and slight. It wears red over its eyes like a mask, and the top of his head is bathed in a long tail of flame. White torso gives way to brown arms and legs, claves clad in a similar white and wrists adorned by gauntlets in the style of his shoulder armour. His lithe limbs gyrate in anticipation, his tail flickers wildly. Confusion from the trainers- what is it? Few were aware of Shinou’s native Pokemon.

Before Hyrum could speak, a Shinouvian woman in an ornate shawl behind him says “ My people know him as Goukazaru, the fire primate.” It is impressive, thinks Hyrum, that Shinou is represented in this tournament- their league is so young.

The crowd screams Richordio’s name, obfuscating the commands he and Vellumini give. Aggron charges at Goukazaru at full speed. Richordio looks laid back as this happens, and his fire monkey evades the Aggron easily, wrapping a hand around its arm and flinging itself onto Aggron’s back. Immediately the Aggron falls backward, trying to crush Goukazaru, but he is too fast to be felled by such an obvious maneuver. Blow horns sound all over the stadium. The fiery beast flings himself onto Aggron’s battle scarred chest, and raises his fist and quickly, mercilessly, lays it into Aggron’s face, and as it flies, Hyrum can see flames licking all the way up his arm. A fire punch, against a steel Pokemon. Aggron flinches in pain, and tries to impale Goukazaru with his horns, but to no avail. Richordio mutters something, and Vellumini screams.

Straddling Aggron’s broad chest, Goukazaru rises up, and beats his chest, tempo rising by the second. A moment later, he is engulfed in intense flame. He roars madly, and suddenly ceases the chest beating. Arms above his head, he releases his energy in a might two handed blow- right into Aggron’s face, again. All the fire surrounding Goukazaru drains from his body, filters through his arms, and releases from his fists into Aggron’s skull.

The grey Pokemon writhing body goes limp. The referees wave their red flags in Vellumi’s direction, green in Richordio’s. She recalls Aggron into a black and white Pokeball. And pulls another from her wrist. She releases the Pokemon within, revealing a fish out of water, but still swimming in mid air, with the help of the water field technology on his collar, which creates a small bubble of water around it. The fish swims freely though the air, bubbled in its natural habitat. His exoskeleton is small, covering only his head with a thick, bonelike material, and its brown body is adorned with three flippers on either side of his body and a large fin on his back.
Relincanth, the ancient Pokemon.

She yells a command, and quickly, Relincanth darts towards Goukazaru, who barely managed to get out of the way in time, sprawling to the side. Looking behind himself, he sees the fish continue its attack, and he begins to run. Goukazaru however, are not as graceful on their feet as there are with their arms, and Relincanth readily catches up, delivering a might blow into the small of Goukazaru’s white back with his armored head. The crowd’s roars mix with outside thunder which rattles the building, making it seem as though their voices ring so loud that they shake the Coliseum’s foundation. To those who missed the thunder, it must have been a frightening and exhilarating moment.

The battle drags on. Eventually, Richordio’s Ludicolo happily dances away with victory over a toppled ember dragon, knocking Vellumini out of the tournament. The crowd screams its appreciate for her loss, and she takes the losers exit back to the village. Richordio sits in his chair, hands over head clapping to the crowd who can only cheer even louder. His seat zooms back into its place amongst the other trainers.

The day goes by slowly for Hyrum. After six or seven battles, his patience wanes as time and time again he realizes how poor the competitors strategies are and how easily he could’ve averted defeat were he in there position. Which led to restlessness over his match tomorrow. Would he face an ignoramus as many of the losers turned out to be? Or a superb strategist like Milania, who with a lone Dragonite cycled through her opponents six powerful Pokemon? Night came all to slowly for Hyrum, and he eagerly retreated to the village to go over the days events with his Pokemon and prepare them for the next day.

That night, Hyrum dreams of the stadium roof being destroyed by a mighty beast, the Kamria. He rips the top of the Coliseum apart with his claws, and lets a mass of water pour in, as though Hyrum sat in the bottom of the sea with the other spectators. Unexpectedly, a Relincanth erupts from Hyrum’s throat in a cloud of bloodied water, tearing away his Adams apple to free itself. “And the breath of the impure will be taken from them,” the Kamria says as water engulfs Hyrum, “and low they must be made never to breath again,” he says, as the Relincanth ravages Hyrum’s throat.

Hyrum wakes with a start and for an instant swears the shadow on his wall is that of a Kamria.

There is no shadow. Hyrum drifts into an uneasy slumber yet again.

 

[Divinity_123]

Dude, I read the first uniit and I was like "ZOMG! He uses description better than me!' I just read CHapter 1 so I'll be reading the rest later. I'll be reviewing!!

 

[Godslayer]

Please do, you'll get a new piece of concept art for your time

 

[Godslayer]

Added Dunsparse concept art.

 

[Godslayer]

Will you excuse my triple posting, if I tell you I have a new chapter?

[The two people who actualy have read this nod their heads, everyone else walks away uninterested]

I have new concept art though!

[people keep walking]

***

unit four
-Hyrum's Match

Hyrum’s next morn is surreal. He remembers getting up like a machine, brushing his teeth, showering, putting on his newly washed clothing, recalling his Pokemon and clipping them to his belt, eating a breakfast bar and heading out the door. He walks aimlessly throughout the Coliseum halls, turning and weaving through the honeycomb of pointless walkways. Soon he finds himself walking along a carpeted hallway, tastefully lighted by a window-wall that gives a view of Crail’s beautiful side, conveniently leaving out the slums to the north. A tourist area, thought Hyrum, for he knew whoever ran the Coliseum made no pretext of making those who work for him comfortable. Eventually, the hall ended in a door, with a plate upon it reading: Cup Room.

If I were younger, I would laugh, thought Hyrum, remembering wearing a cup whilst playing sports. Pushing through the doors, Hyrum comes upon a shrine of sorts, with many long purple draperies and gold tablets where tourist drivel is inscribed about the history of the Kamria that Hyrum already knows. At its pinnacle, the Trophy lay. It is gold on almost three feet high by Hyrum’s estimation. A typical base evolves into the mane of a lion which leads to a mighty lions face, the sides of his majestic face touched by the goat’s horns who lay beneath the lions head, his long beard flowing from his chin, his pupils slits as Pierce the Dunsparce’s. As the Trophy rotates on his stand, he sees the head of a cobra, neck flared and mouth open to reveal its fangs, in the back of the lions mane. Never will even the trophy be pounced upon without seeing its opponent, thought Hyrum.

“Hyrum Fearghas, Hyrum Fearghas,” his reverie was broken like a window hit with a bullet, “If you are in the building, Hyrum Fearghas, you have five minutes to appear in the arena or forfeit,” the speakers in every room blared. He repeated his message once, twice, three times, and every time Hyrum heard it in a strange echo as he raced by all the empty rooms and hallways where a speaker rang out. His long, long legs carried him farther, and faster than most men, and after bumbling about through the halls, he came upon the peoples entrance to the stadium.

He pushed men and women out of his way, and leaped over groups of terrified Hecanesian children, and was in the arena, or at least, the first floor spectator seats. He ran along the curved path between the two rows in the section for a moments, and had the impulse to stick out his hand, to try to wave towards the referees and get their attention. When he reached out his hand, he was taken aback- no force field was up. He didn’t know why, but as the announcer began the lines of forfeit, “Hyrum Fearghas has 5 seconds. 4. 3- My God, what is that!”

The announcer referred to, of course, Hyrum, who took a hand to the rail and leapt over the four foot high banister, sailing through the air for a moment and falling. He landed on his feet, sixteen feet down, and immediately tried to take a step to try to wear away the incredible pain that just shot through his ankles and up his legs. He stumbled and regained his composure, stepping onto the platform painfully. Wait, thought Hyrum with dread, what a fool I am! How did I know if I was the next competitor? Perhaps the roll call must be filled before starting, even if you aren’t battling at the time! But no, Hyrum realized how he knew, his subconscious took the one glance he gave to the battle area and saw a trainer standing on one side of the ring with no one else to battle her. Had he not been the one up to battle, she would’ve had a competitor. My subconscious is a genius, Hyrum decided.

Still in pain, Hyrum took his place on the in the small trainers box opposite the Hecanesian woman. The announcer said a lot of things about shields and stupendous feats and close calls, but Hyrum tuned him out just as he tuned out the pulsing crowd wrapped along the stadium walls around him. The referee’s flags waved green. Hyrum’s opponent released her Pokemon, Hyrum his.

From the beam of red light she emitted came a beautifully Pokemon, a regal and irresistible monster. Hyrum had no lust for it, no human did, but he could not escape her gaze, could not help but follow her red hair as it flowed from her head so gracefully. Her head is topped in a single, tasteful horn, and red locks hang from her creamy scalp. Her eyebrows were long and curled above her head, and her lithe serpentine body was colored a lush, pale yellow. Her tail ended in a magnificent burst of gemlike sparkle that is only enhanced by the refraction of the water bubble she wears. She swims softly through the air. Milotic.

Chansey emerges from Hyrum’s pokeball, and before Hyrum can warn him, catches a glimpse of Milotic. Instead of a battle ready stance, Chans stands in the arena, staring stupidly. The Milotic had turned on the charm, and it was working. She swayed slightly, and Chans bobbed to her rhythm. Hyrum’s opponent quietly issues a command, of which the giant can only hear one word: hyper.

“Chans! No! Move! Move now!” Hyrum bellows, and the crowd laughs at the sight of a man yelling so mightily at something only a couple yard away. The serpent’s lithe body continues to sway. Her eyes glow, and the seam of her mouth emits a small white light, her ears begin to shine out like twin beacons. The light from within her head grows and the glow slipping out becomes ever stronger until for a moment her entire skull is illuminated by the glare within her and suddenly- she opens her jaws.

Light pours from her mouth unceasingly, and a mighty beam twice again her own body’s diameter erupts from with her, darting towards Chans, a stampede of energy. It writhes and twists upon itself once and finally buries itself into Chans body. Chans does not move- the energy has no presence- it simply pours from her into him for the longest time until Milotic ceases to emit it and Chans finishes absorbing it. Only then does he scream- once, and crumple to the ground, wracked by spasms, the front of his body charred dark red. Milotic descends to the tiled ground.

Hyrum recalls his pink monster. Now the crowd that once filled his ears drowns away, and he looks about the people who fill the stadium. Their mouths are open, their bodies are moving as ever, but Hyrum can’t hear them. He can only hear his own heart, pumping, pumping, like a drum. Then he can hear the rain, emerging from clouds who have yet to empty their bowels though continually pounding the city, and the rain patters hard on the roof and mixes with the deep beatings of his heart. Coldness sweeps through his body- no, the absence of heat, as though it were sucked away by something deep within my body, thinks Hyrum.

He unclips a sphere from his clip of Pokeballs, raises it, and presses the button. Red light forms into his metal Pokemon, orbed thrice over, gleaming in the artificial light. Magneton floats six feet above the ground, sparking vigorously. Milotic now rises, having recuperated from the Hyper Beam fully. Magneton spins like a drill, mechanically efficient, once, twice, three times around, and stops to look upon his opponent.

“Attract.” Milotic’s trainer says, her voice rising.

“Maggie- don’t move at all. Sway when Milotic sways, got it?” Hyrum whispers. Magneton obeys. Milotic stares at the unfeeling Mags, and sways to and fro, Magneton imitating. Milotic’s trainer looks smug, and doesn’t bother being quiet about her command to use a Hyper Beam on Magneton. Milotic repeats the process of glowing, and opens her jaws again to release the beam. But she’s sloppy this time, the Beam doesn’t travel as fast.

Magneton swerves out of the way, and the Hyper beam flies into the force field, eliciting a great mix of screams and cheers from the crowd as the wall absorbs it and glows white for a moment. Hyrum shouts out, commanding Magneton to use its most potent move.

If Milotic’s Hyper Beam was a geyser of power, then Magneton’s could only be compared to a volcano of force. Pure electricity surges outward in a massive stream and comes into contact with the exhausted, snakelike Pokemon, whose entire or of water is instantly fried. She writhes and wriggles and spasms, ten times as much as Chans before finally falling to the ground, near death. Hyrum could only imagine the agony his will had inflicted upon her, but his sympathy is replaced by the usual unhearing apathy he assumes during matches as soon as she is recalled.

She releases her next monster, and a monster it is. Even Hyrum is dwarfed by the massive creature she exposed. It stands at least ten feet high, and almost as wide, massive head sprouting two tusks from a slavering mouth that lay below his short, pink snout. His dark brown hair is wild and unkempt, and is fringed in a red mane around his neck. Not yet recognized by the international Pokemon community, only known by it’s Shinouvian name, he is Manmuu.

Hyrum and his opponent fire orders simultaneously, but Manmuu, enormous and slow as Hyrum expected, was neither. He delivered the Giga Attack in the blink of an eye, as Magneton attempted to obtain enough electricity for its next assault. The mammoth creature, in both senses of the word, charged forward with great velocity and rammed its tusks into Magneton, and rammed again in a split second, and again and again, not letting Mags escape the confines of his two horns, always attempting to rocket away from the force of a last blow just to be intercepted by the next. When the attack ends, Manmuu lay on its side, momentarily resting, and Magneton, dented beyond recognition must be recalled.

Hyrum knows his next Pokemon, knew it the moment Manmuu stepped onto the field. He would out strategize this beast, for Hyrum feared the swiftness necessary to match this creature could not be accomplished but any but the Pokemon he must use. And if another one of his Pokemon had the swiftness, which they may, it did not have the power and capacity for quickness Hyrum needed.

Hyrum pulls the Pokeball from his belt, feeling the magnet unlatch itself, feeling the orb in his bear sized grip expand and swell to twice its minimized size. Hyrum presses the release trigger, and aims. A red stream of light shines from the ball, and slowly takes the form and color of his Pokemon. If I’m wrong, thinks Hyrum, it may cost me the tournament. Every Pokemon is precious at this level of competition. But has he ever failed me before?

 

[Pink Parka Girl]

Although it's going to seem like I have a lot of complaints, I didn't dislike the story. It's not totally to my tastes, but the battles are defiently exciting and well done - I enjoyed reading them However, you need to work on your grammar, characterization, and - my two most common complaints - not referring to real animals and not treating Shinou pokémon as strange, newly discovered creatures. I go into more detail below

Present tense can be a very difficult thing to pull off, and I'm not sure if it's entirerly successful here. Tenses seem to be mixed up occasionally.

The names of ships should always be italicized, first off.

This man, Hyrum Fearghas, is extraordinary in a number of ways.

This sets off alarm bells for me. "Extraordinary" generally translates into "Gary Stu," and Hyrem, so far, appears to be such. He's huge, strong, brave (shown by his standing out there while huge waves sweep over the deck) has won a boatload of badges, gloats over how much better his battle stragety is than everyone else, and doesn't have any noticable flaws. In short, he really isn't all that interesting, because he has no depth other than a big hulking man with amazing battling skills.

They turn their noses at him, call him a vagabond when they think they can’t hear, in languages they think he can’t comprehend. Well, the jokes on them, because his hearing is uncanny, and language is no barrier when he’s equipped with his top of the line Externaphone, fit snuggly to his ear.

Very cliche, and seems like a bad rip off of Shuu's In-Comm (though since virtually no one's familiar with Getto da Ze! canon, it's probably accidental ). Let me guess, he can talk to pokémon too, not just humans with a language barrier. But at least his using of a machine is MUCH, MUCH better than "magic" or "he loves his pogeymanz so much he can talk to them!!!!111"

...sought after award in all the Hecanesian islands, and is said to bear the three heads of the Chimera, the national beast.

The chimera is a mythical animal from our own world's culture. You may want to "pokemonize" the creature - give it a more creative name rather than just ripping it right out of Greek mythology, a type (I can totally picture a chimera pokemon being Fire/Dark, possibly), attacks, and a unique role in the world that wouldn't upsurge any other Legendary Pokémon's position.

A strobe of lighting flashes all around him.

Watch your spelling here...it's lightning

Thirty-three rooms later, he opens the door whose front is carved into the face of a lion

Why would they carve a door to look like a creature that doesn't exist? Shouldn't the door be carved like a rentoraa instead?

Hyrum climbs into his small, one person bed and releases his Pokemon. First, a pink, pear shaped creature, dreadlocks falling from the side of his hair, egg resting in a pouch on his front, whose melodious voice is marred by the translation software in his ear into a flat tone.

There can't be male chansey, only females. And "dreadlocks" is a rather weird way to describe the long things on the sides of its head, but it's better than not taking the time to describe the pokemon at all as many are wont to do.

It is composed of three gleaming steel orbs, two magnet shaped appendages spring from each sphere, which also has a single glossy eye each. They are held together by small ridged cylinders, which also protrude at various points from their bodies.

This phrasing is a bit odd. Perhaps a better phrasing would be "It is composed of three gleaming steel orbs, two magnet shaped appendages springing from each sphere. Each sphere, held together by small ridged cylinders, had a single glossy eye that observed Hyrum blankly as he [did something or other of your choosing]."

Emerging next is a tall, scarlet feathered Pokemon. Her talons gleam and her smoky white hair falls on her back.

Birds can't have hair - hair is a defining characteristic of mammals. Perhaps those are just very long feather-adornments?

Next emerges a wormlike Pokemon, tail ended with a sharp point. His wings beat furiously for a moment before landing on Hyrum’s expansive torso. His slit like pupils that trick a foe into believing it is asleep are covered by its true eyelid, and it quickly travels to Nod.

You're mixing pronouns here. Either the dunsparce is a "he" or the dunsparce is an "it", but the dunsparce can't be both at the same time

Despite its small size, Hyrum’s Dunsparce, Pierce, is the one Pokemon whose place is always assured on his team, due to the intense level of strategy it had to develop like all its brothers and sisters in the wild as underestimated, overpowered predators and brings to the table on a battle to battle basis.

This sentence is very, very confusing. I think you were trying to say that the dunsparce had good battle sense, brought about by being hunted by predators, that it brought to the table, but I'm really not sure here >.>

The boat tips almost, but not quite, imperceptibly.

If the metagross is that heavy, why would he endanger himself and the passengers by letting it out of its pokeball? It seems a little irresponsible.

his two small bed

Remember not to mix up your homophones - it should be "too-small bed."

...before docking in Crail, Hecanasia’s capital island.

Why does this country have an entire ISLAND for a capital? Shouldn't it be a city upon the island, or is that what you meant?

Hyrum slips on his large shoes, lace-less, with three black stripes along each side of each shoe, countered by a large white striped down the top to compliment the intervening red between black.

More confusing phrasing. "Hyrum slips on his large shoes, which were laceless and bore three black stripes along each side. These stripes were countered by a large white one that extended from the top of each shoe, complimenting the black stripes and red base color of the material." It's a bit wordier, but its much less confusing in the end

...other ships vying for the all to few docks the city provides.

More "to/too/two" confusion. It should, again, be "too."

Blue and white and orange colors the hues of Hecanesia, adorned the massive stadium.

There should be some sort of pause there. "Blue and white and orange - the symbolic hues of Hecanesia - adorned the massive stadium."

The outer rim of the city was taken up by slums, umpteen aluminum shacks glint where the rust doesn’t cover.

Glinting.

...head towards the Snorlax in the crowd to reach the taxi that has been arranged to transport him to the Coliseum. The huge Pokemon was easy to spot, disrupting pedestrian traffic mightily, sitting next to a small yellow car. Hyrum made his was through the press of humans towards the Snorlax, considering to himself how much taller than the average Hecanesian he is. He wondered if Snorlax’s position of official attention grabber was well paid, and whether he should seek the job when the Pokemon gig was done.

If its so distracting and disrupting of traffic, why would the city officials just lay back and let a snorlax loaf about there? They could certainly think of a better - and safer to the population - way to go about grabbing attention. After all, the entire pedistrian population shouldn't come to a standstill for the sake of Hyrum. It's just not realistic.

He's also not that bright if he thinks pokémon can not only be hired for jobs, but paid for them, too. Unless that was sarcasm

“I feel like a sardine,” Hyrum complained

Again, your character shouldn't compare himself to something that doesn't exist...

Finaly free

Finally.

Hyrum visit’s the central obelisk square.

No apostrophe needed.

The glove was like the underside of an octopus tentacle, except in miniature, so you could barely see the individual cups.

Again, "octillary" would work much better ^_^

...his enormous body propelled by an object who in comparison was near invisibility.

I think you mean to imply that Hyrum's size dwarfs the magneton, in which case, you would want to say "near invisible." However, if the magneton is so much smaller than Hyrum, how does it manage to lift his massive bulk that high and for such an extended period of time? I'd think its magnetic repellence would be enough to let it hover above the ground, but so much additional weight placed on it would really leave it struggling to fight gravity.

He whispered a signal to vamoose, and they did. Hyrum felt as though his arm was almost ripped from its socket as the Magneton ascended at a breakneck rate, above the slums.

What I said before still stands. How is the magneton able to do this? I could understand if you were dealing instead with a large, more biologically based pokemon with actual muscles and power, but a hovering hunk of metal just doesn't seem like it could really support Hyrum at all, not to mention pull him in the air at such breakneck speeds.

The fell alarmingly for a moment

You've done this several times - leaving the "y" off of "they." Be careful to not forget it, since your spellchecker won't spot it, as "the" is of course a word.

The stranged storm loads loomed on the dark side of the ocean

I, again, have absolutely no idea what you were trying to say there.

It had the majestic and enormously powerful body of a wild feline, main collaring a large catlike head, from which the powers of fire emerged and were centered

This part of the description works. It doesn't refer to nonexistant creatures, and seems like it could fit for a pokemon.

and below that lions head was the head of a goat whose horns controlled the wild beast above and was the source of his intellect. Instead of a normal tail, the Chimera, or Kamria as he is known to the Hecanesian people, had lithe snake who saw what was behind him and protected him from surprise. He created the islands and called for a people to come to him. Those of necessary virtue journeyed to the island, it is said, and lived in harmony beneath their protector, and the Chimera was well pleased. Then the Chimera created other beasts to live with the humans and balance the eco system he had created.

First of all, I repeat once again, do not describe pokémon or objects in relation to real animals. This is a world in which something like a lion or goat is as real as a snorlax or trapinch is here - sure, this Kamria (why not just always refer to it by this name? It would make a good deal more sense than just throwing a Greek mythic term around) may have a lionish head, but it would be compared in relation to the lion pokemon rentoora, and not a real lion, by the citizens of the pokémon world.

Also, ecosystem is one word.

What beautiful propaganda the founders of this nation employed, thought Hyrum. Tell them that they are descendants of the most virtuous people in the land and have the blessing of a powerful beast. And mandate of the government is a mandate of the Chimera, right?

The Chimera was slain however by an angry god who flew atop a black horse whose wings were those of a dragon and whose icy breath was that of death. The god was furious at the Chimera for inviting the most righteous people in his nations to Hecanesia, and wanted them back. The Chimera died defending his followers, who in turn denied the offer to return to the angry god’s countries.

A common enemy will always bring a people together, Hyrum pondered. Even if he is ambiguous and long gone.

Is this meant to be pure myth or pure reality (or a mix of both)? I don't especially like fics using Legendary Pokemon creation myths as literal truth, but again, that's a personal taste, and just because they're treated as literal truth doesn't make the fic bad. They just need more justification in my eyes ^_^' However, it seems Hyrum at least is a doubting Thomas XD

She barely reached Hyrum’s bellybutton.

What, is she a midget? That seems unrealistically small for someone not suffering dwarfism.

Rising above it as the sides of a can would rise above it’s bottom

Again, like to/two/too, remember not to mix up its/it's. Its is used when referring to possession, such as "the sides of a can would rise above its bottom."

...reaching out he could feel the invisible force field that kept accidental falling from the upper rows as well as purposeful throwing of objects into the arena.

It would be cool if you could explain the technology of this. Is it psychic pokemon? Some sort of machine generating it?

“Richordio against Vellumini Glatz!”

Doesn't anyone have "normal" names?

First, four wall come up to his shoulders, jutting from the ground unexpectedly, and then, the floor beneath him gives out, and for a moment he just falls. At the last instant, the antigrav technology beneath the fortified seat kicks in, and he is flown directly to the trainer box.

You're really pushing it with the super-technology. How many years after the setting of the original R/B/Y game series (which has canon evidence for indicating it's 1995ish XD ) is this supposed to be? Certainly, even in 1995ish the pokemon world had better technology than we do, but I think you're kinda going overboard...especially when this stadium was supposedly built by ancient peoples...

Vellumini’s Pokemon? It is massive, nearing Hyrum in height, doubling him in width.

The question seems fourth-wall breaking - like you are directly answering a reader's question. It would be better to say "Vellumini's pokémon is massive...."

An Agron

It's spelled Aggron - always be careful of pokemon spellings.

Few were aware of Shinou’s native Pokemon...It is impressive, thinks Hyrum, that Shinou is represented in this tournament- their league is so young.

Why? Just revealed here doesn't mean that everyone in the pokemon world was magically ignorant of Shinou and its pokémon all this time and they just magically sprang into being on September 28th, 2006 >.>

She releases the Pokemon within, revealing a fish out of water, but still swimming in mid air, with the help of the water field technology on her collar, which creates a small bubble of water around it. The fish swims freely though the air, bubbled in its natural habitat. His exoskeleton is small

Decide on the relicanth's gender - is it male (his exoskeleton) or female (hercollar)? It can't be both.

The crowd’s roars mix with outside thunder which rattles the building, making it seem as though their voice ring so loud that they shake the Coliseums foundation.

Voices, Coliseum's.

Eventually, Richordio’s Ludicolo happily dances away with victory over a toppled ember dragon, a fallen Charizard knocks Vellumini out of the tournament. The crowd screams its appreciate for her loss, and she takes the losers exit back to the village.

Again, I'm confused. "Eventually, Richordio’s Ludicolo happily dances away with victory, the defeat of Vellumini's charizard knocking her out of the tournament. The crowd screams its pleasure over her loss, and she takes the losers' exit back to the village."

A typical base evolves into the mane of a lion which leads to a mighty lions face, the sides of his majestic face touched by the goat’s horns who lay beneath the lions head, his long beard flowing from his chin...he sees the head of a cobra, neck flared and mouth open to reveal its fangs, in the back of the lions mane.

You know what I have to say about this by now. XD

“Hyrum Fearghas, Hyrum Fearghas,” his reverie was broken like a window hit with a bullet, “If you are in the building, Hyrum Fearghas, you have five minutes to appear in the arena or forfeit.” the speakers in every room blared.

"'Hyrum Fearghas, Hyrum Fearghas!' His reverie was broken like a window hit with a bullet. “If you are in the building, Hyrum Fearghas, you have five minutes to appear in the arena or forfeit,” the speakers in every room blared.

From the beam of red light she emitted came a beautifully Pokemon, a regal and irresistible monster. Hyrum had no lust for it, no human did, but he could not escape her gaze, could not help but follow her red hair as it flowed from her head so gracefully. Her head is topped in a single, tasteful horn, and red locks hang from her creamy scalp.

Again, hair is for mammals. Those are likely fins on Milotic

Chansey emerges from Hyrum’s pokeball, and before Hyrum can warn him, catches a glimpse of Milotic. Instead of a battle ready stance, Chans stands in the arena, staring stupidly. The Milotic had turned on the charm, and it was working. She swayed slightly, and Chans bobbed to her rhythm.

Again, this wouldn't work because chansey are female only, and the milotic is also female. Unless it's a lesbian chansey.

Light pours from her mouth unceasingly, and a might beam

Again, you seem to drop y's off words quite commonly. Always be sure to carefully proofread - it should be mighty

“Attract.” Milotic’s trainer says, her voice rising.

Not that it would work on something without a gender anyway. Maybe the other trainer is just kinda dumb?

But she’s sloppy this time, the Beam doesn’t travel as fast.

"But she is sloppy this time, and the beam doesn't travel as fast as it did before."

Not yet recognized by the international Pokemon community, only known by it’s Shinouvian name, he is Manmuu.

*sigh* Again, just because Shinou pokemon were just revealed here doesn't make them totally new. -_-

Again, it's not bad. But it needs work to be great It gets a three star rating from me. ^_^

 

[PDL]

Well, I'll be somewhat honest with you, I kinda skimmed through most of it due to becoming bored of the big blocks of text. Don't be afriad to paragraph it more.

Anyway, from what I did read, I think the fic can benefit from more "showing" rather then by "telling"

rather then just giving a description on what the characters look like, show it through action and diolouge. It can make your fic more expressive and longer as well.

EDIT: Oh yes, the pics are pretty good, although you shouldn't completely rely on them and not have good description in the actual story.

I'll be reading it more throughly at a later date.

 

[Godslayer]

Added a concept for you two's posting, Kelnica.

PDL:

Edited everything, tried to paragraph more, probably failed. I like that you reminded me of that adage, show don't tell, thats a good thing to have in my mind. I'll take what you say with a grain of salt however, since you say yourself that you havent read it fully. Also, edited out Poliwhirl as Hyrum's water type, using Wailord instead.

Pink Parka Girl:

I went through and adressed all your grammatical critique, check if you want, all chapters are edited. Thanks a lot, that was very helpful.

Points of discussion:

Gary Stu:

By God your right. I hadn't even thought of adressing that. Very, very helpful, Pink. I already have ideas on how to convey his flaws. Don't wory, no one will be perfect, I just thank you for reminding me before his awesomeness got to out of hand.

Externaphone:

I have no idea what you're refering to, but I am influenced heavily by sci fi wrighter Orson Scott Card, who uses ear technology, and the Babelfish of Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Its a tool, and I used it. I wanted no language barrier, and Pokemon speech, so language recognition and translation software is matter manipulated (think Pokeballs) into the size of an earbud.

Chimera:

All references now Kimria. About mythological questioning- wait and see.

Chans:

There are male Chansey in any world of mine. They're not hermaphrodites, if their assigned a gender, so how do they procreate? Symbiotic ditto relationship? Nope. Male Chansey. The 'all female' thing is human stigma based on Chansey's coat.

Metagross:

Heres a flaw for you, Hyrum doesnt think of everything, Heh.

Crail:

Why does it have to be a whole island? It doesnt, but it is. Total urbanisation. City island.

Animals:

Animals are real in this fic, I will try to accentuate this more than I have. Many thanks for asking the questions that make me think more, in this case, roll of Pokemon.

There are maybe 2000 Pokemon in the whole world. The united JKHSH (Johtoan, Kantoan, Hoennian, Shinouvian and Hecanesian) league recognize 500 of these as usable in official matches. Other league assosciations aknowledge other okemon as usable, but all in all, there are roughly 2000 pokemon. Compare that to the more than 3 million KNOWN species on our planet. Any earthlike planets ecosystem would be in shambles. Therefore, animals exist. Lions tigers bears, everything. Pokemon are animals as well, but look at it like this:

All Pokemon are animals.

Not all animals are Pokemon.

The term Pokemon is used to designate the 2000 known species that meet the criteria of Pokemon...hood. Those criteria being-

Intelligence to follow complex orders.
Ability to use elemental powers.
Being named in the common tounge by the international Pokemon society. See 'Shinou'

Make sense?


Shinou:

Never did I say Shinouvians or Shinou just arrived. I refered to League infancy, and the fact that their pokemon are strange to trainers. Reason? They have just been admited to their regional league, allowing them to set up an official Pokemon route, gym, and elite four system, and this has only just started (hence league infancy). Along with joining their indigenous pokemon to the international league, they must comply to the common naming act, so all names are universal, just as there is a universal language.

Universal language is a part of the world peace act, stating all nations must officialy comply to an international language.

Tech:

Never reffered to Coliseum being built by ancients, read again. Also, this is substaintialy after RBY, which still blew our 1995 tech out of the water with matter manipulation and healing techniques.

Thanks so much for critiques, guys. I love it.