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I am a goomba (one-shot)

This is my first fic of any kind, and I would really appreciate any constructive criticism or comments you may have to offer. Rated PG for blood and violence.

I am a Goomba


Where am I? My eyes crack open for the first time, and I slowly survey my surroundings. It is dark, very dark. I can’t see a thing. All around me I hear moaning. The moan of the forsaken, the moan of the lost, the moan of the forgotten. The sounds swim around me, becoming my very being. I begin to let out a slow, unsteady groan, when I stop myself. What am I doing? I breathe deeply, trying to control myself. The sounds of sorrow, hatred, pain, fear, that permeate the room are enough to drive me mad. I throw myself at a wall, intending to kill myself and end this living hell. My young, tender body thumps against it will a dull whack, and I slide to the floor. It is then that I notice an old, wrinkled creature sitting in a corner of the cell I was in. I walked over, and tried to ask him questions.

“Where am I? What am I? Why am I here? What is this place?” I frantically shout, although the noises of the room drown out my voice to a whisper. He surveys me for a minute, and at length, spoke. His voice was just above a whisper, so that I had to lean over very close, so very close that I could smell his musty breath, so close I could hear him breathing.

“You are a goomba,” He muttered in a gravelly voice. “As am I. We are both members of a dying race. Goombas are a warlike people, but our size and strength makes us easy to kill, dreadfully easy, for almost all things living. We hid after so many of our kind were slaughtered by a man in red, that red represents to all goombas the blood of innocent ones he spilled, simply trying to defend themselves against his invasion into our land.” He paused, and a violent fit of coughing took him, so much that he doubled over and fell onto the cold, damp ground, his body racked by his sudden seizure, blood spewing from his cracked lips. He shuddered and paused for a moment, looked up at me and spoke,” Then HE took us, escape him!” and he gave another violent shudder, then laid still. I crept up, terrified by his death, and the sounds of death around me. WHY? I stared up at the dark ceiling, and began to throw myself against anything around me, cursing life all the while. After a particularly hard thump, I hit the ground, unable to stand, and began to sob uncontrollably. I wasn’t two hours old, and all I knew were grief, madness, and despair.

I don’t know how long I slept, but when I woke up, nothing had changed. I had hoped this was all a dream, but the same sounds filled the air, the same wet, hard floor was under me, and the same body laid next to me, the only friend I had ever known. Without warning, a bright light flashed on, blinding me. I cried out, and I couldn’t see any longer. I heard wailing, crying, and then a deep laugh from the doorway, a booming sound that resonated so loudly off the walls that it shook the room with its mere volume. I realized that all in the room were goombas. Sick goombas, old goombas, young goombas, and even goomba eggs. All goombas were there, in this room. Some were even foaming at the mouth, filled with rage, madness.

“It is he,” A voice shattered the terrified silence that followed the creature’s roar. Goombas quailed all over as he stomped up to the speaker, an older goomba, this time a woman. Her face took on a pallid color, and looked up at him with unimaginable fear. He let out a cold snarl, and brought his foot down right on the poor creature’s head. Many screamed, some fainted, as blood and vital organs flew through the air, as one unfortunate soul was dealt a blow across the face by a flying intestine. I stared up at the creature in horror, denying the terrible sight I had just seen. He was an incredibly ugly thing. His skin was scaly and rough, and along his back he had a huge, heavily plated green shell, with large, ominous spikes jutting out its crevices. His teeth were as sharp as his spikes, and he had a lot of them, and his thorny head was surrounded by a blood red mane, encircling his thick neck. He was huge, the size of at least fourteen goombas standing on each others heads.

“The red man is coming,” He announced to the rest of the group, still senseless in shock. Now MARCH!” He again roared, and although we all cringed, we began to line up, I following the others, and walked rythimatically out of the cell. We marched for roughly an hour, with that beast brutally killing all those who didn’t, or couldn’t walk fast enough. Down the large hallway we marched, pitch black, lighted only by the occasional torch and punctuated with the screams of those dying. The floor was grimy, and many slipped, only to be mowed down by the monster, who was screaming at us to move faster. We passed a room full of goombas like ourselves, being tortured. Some were squished between moving walls, some were being blinded and then stabbed in all but fatal areas. Others still were being disemboweled, hawing their feet chopped up. The room was covered in blood, the floor, the ceiling, and the walls. It was also lined with dead and rotting bodies, the bodies of those tortured. Some again fainted, and I felt myself growing dizzy, sick with the sight of so much horror, when I was supported by another goomba, who carried me until I woke. When I tried to thank him however, he muttered something under his breath and turned away.

We soon exited through a large door outside, and I gazed with wonder at the world. Dark clouds hung over the massive stronghold, which we had just exited. The ground was a murky brown, and there was no vegetation. There were many boulders, and many things peeking out from behind those boulders, no doubt hiding from the terrible beast who was leading us. Suddenly, he stopped, and turned around, looking at something on the horizon. I looked as well, and my heart leaped with happiness, as I saw a beautiful world, almost beckoning toward us all to come. I suddenly made up my mind. Racing out of formation, I blindly went running toward this haven. I could hear yelling, roaring, running, but I shut out everything, except for this glorious sight. I then felt myself being kicked, and a sharp pain exploded in my side, running down to my foot. I fell to the ground in pain, as convulsions racked my body. The monster picked me up and stared at me haughtily, enjoying my pain. Looking upon his hideous face, I recalled all the death, the pain, the agony he had put my race through, and a great hatred welled up inside of me, and I leaned forward and did the only thing I could: I chomped down on his face.

He roared, and whacked me, but I clamped on. I had a secure bite on his lower eyelid, while my lower set of teeth dug into his cheek. He roared again, blood dripping from his mutilated eye, and dealt me a blow that not only knocked me off his face, but it sent me flying into a large bush. I laid there stunned, unable to move as I heard him looking all over, growling under his breath, blood streaming from his shredded eyelid, exposing blood red veins that had been ripped brutally open. After a while, I stumbled slowly away, taking care not to be seen. As I rounded a corner however, I saw a man standing there, garbed in red, with a cap on his head with a letter on it.

Help me, I cried, the monster is after me! He looked at me for a moment, and then began to move towards me. Wait! I said desperately. Was it possible that he didn’t understand me? Please, I need your help! He’s got all of us, and we need you help us defeat him! However, he jumped up and brutally brought his shoe down on my head. Fireworks exploded inside my head, and pain racked my body. My side split open, the same that had already been kicked by the beast, and I watched numbly as blood and organs spilled out. I looked up at him, and suddenly I remembered what the old goomba had told me. We hid after so many of our kind were slaughtered by a man in red, that red represents to all goombas the blood of innocent ones he spilled, simply trying to defend themselves against his invasion into our land. He was the one! As I looked up at him, a smug smile crossed his face, and he walked away. I began to be unable to keep my eyes open, and everything began to go black. I am a goomba, I thought bitterly, as pain engulfed my battered body. I saw the man slowly walk away, and then the world went black.
 
Last edited:

MaplePhanpy

Anywayz...
Wow! This story is just heart braking! Makes you feel like a Goomba.
Its almost made me feel bad for killing those Goombas in Super Paper Mario...

Though I think you described to much blood and organs for a non rated fic, meby you should make it PG
 
MaplePhanpy said:
Though I think you described to much blood and organs for a non rated fic, meby you should make it PG
That's a good point, I originally didn't consider ratings, I'll edit that now.

munchlaxboy said:
But I don't think Bowser would kill his own Goombas. Poor Goombas.
Well, goombas aren't exactly strong fighters, and since so many appear in the games, there doesn't seem to be a lack of them, so, since bowser's pretty ruthless, I'm sure a few less of his pawns would make no difference to him.

Thanks for your comments, both of you. I'm glad you liked it.
 

bobandbill

Winning Smile
Staff member
Super Mod
Very nice. Certainly an original idea to take the Goomba's point of view, and change up the reason why there is so many goombas in the Mario gams, and why they move right to left, towards you... nice tragic death at the end - only thing it need IMO was the 'Wo-hoo' sound effect Mario makes whenever he jumps... :)

I think you could have changed the paragraphing structure and divided the larger ones into smaller paragraphs. Also it's advisable to seperate the dialogue, so it's easier to see. No spelling mistakes that I can see (I'm assuming you're American, hence the American spelling of certain words like 'color/colour'), and grammer was basically good. One quotation mark misplaced here:
He shuddered and paused for a moment, looked up at me and spoke, Then HE took us, escape him!”

Do agree with the PG rating, as it is a bit dark. Normally not a fan of such, but it's delievered well here.

Good work.
 
bobandbill said:
only thing it need IMO was the 'Wo-hoo' sound effect Mario makes whenever he jumps... :)
Lol, I actually considered putting that in in my original draft, but I felt it would seem out of place.

bobandbill said:
I think you could have changed the paragraphing structure and divided the larger ones into smaller paragraphs. Also it's advisable to seperate the dialogue, so it's easier to see. No spelling mistakes that I can see (I'm assuming you're American)
Yup, I'm from america, thanks for the advice, I'll consider that in the future.


bobandbill said:
Do agree with the PG rating, as it is a bit dark. Normally not a fan of such, but it's delievered well here.
Thanks for the review. :) I appreciate it.
 

Xain

The Psychic Savior
Very well written. The description was just perfect. I love a good descriptive story...i always had a vivid picture in my mind as i read. It's rare to see a fan-fic with such focus.

Above all else is the concept. Very original. It's refreshing to see such creativity. Who knows...you could probably make a whole collection of short stories like this. The concept is that good.

Please write more...i look forward your next work.
 
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