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I discovered an old incomplete story I written years ago. Please tell me your thoughts.


Back when Tigers used to smoke.
So I discovered an old incomplete story I written years ago, I believe it was around when I was in my mid-teens and good lord the grammar is terrible lol but after reading it and my notes, I have to say. I kind of want to complete this story into a book.

Could you guys please tell me your thoughts? I would be very grateful if you did. Re-discovering my incomplete story is not something that happens every day and now I have a sincere desire to complete it. It starts out with an intro and an incomplete Ch. 1. Then it ends there with some notes on how to complete Ch. 1. Honestly when I read it, these are some very good ideas but at the same time you can tell it's written by a noob. I'm not gonna lie, I have absolutely no idea why I called Ch. 1 the "Egg in the Maze".

Anyways here is the story below. I have not edited a single word and also please. If you guys know me very well, I welcome both praise and constructive criticism at it's most harshest. So please don't be afraid to tell me not only your constructive thoughts but also your own bias's as well such as if this is interesting or it is boring.

Prologue – The Hunt

Max was taking a stroll across a jungle of stone pillars on the flat cold grey surface. He was just heading back to a village, Kahri Flats, after partaking a hunt for food to give to the local orphanage there. He looked towards the starry night sky and noticed how beautiful four of the moons were this late. He then faced towards the road towards his destination again thinking of more important matters that were on his mind.

“Hmm… wonder what I should have for dinner. Chicken or Steak?” Maxis thought. He wasn’t hungry but he did knew he would be in a few hours. “The children should be well-fed for tonight if the transport got there already. Maybe I’ll pick up whatever is leftover.”

The animals they hunted were a couple of bison’s, enough to feed an entire family of orphans. He continued his stroll. The pathway was not only cold but silent. Not a cricket or bird he heard chirping along this path. He then snapped his head back, he heard the sound of a creature running from a far distance. Too dark to see what it is. The sounds stopped… paranoid a bit much?

Another sound of a running creature emerged, this time to the left. He turned to the left but then he heard another to his left. He turned only for another sound to emerge. It stopped again. Hmm… he pulled out his left gun, an terrier magnum with the name “Buck” scratched into the side. He lowered it of course, making sure it wasn’t some harmless creature or person following him.

“Step out here slowly. I know your there.” He yelled at the pitch black darkness. Perhaps it was a person? If whatever was there didn’t respond, it could still be some harmless animal or possibly a hungry pack of them instead. Hmm… no response.

He heard another sound but this time he heard it walked faster. Just as he turned to the direction of that sound, a small boulder fell towards him. He quickly rolled away from it and just when the small boulder was about to hit the floor, he punched it with ease as if it were a mere volley ball, pushing it forward to whatever it was causing that sound.

“Coincidence?” He thought of the boulder coming out of nowhere.

As soon as he stood up, he quickly heard different types of sounds coming from different directions. He heard at least nine of them coming to his direction, whatever it was, it was trying to ambush him. At least that’s what he thought as the sounds stopped again all at once.

“Hmm… strange.” Max thought.

He heard movement again but this time they were neither backing away nor moving forward. He turned his head to each different sound, each of which sounded like something punched a hole into the ground. He then saw cracks of illuminating light surrounding him… there he saw nine different creatures in different shapes and sizes looking at him, focused.

He fell to his knees exhausted, feeling corrupted inside. He felt to the ground as these nine creatures stood over him. He fell into a deep sleep.

The wind below the starry night sky blew silently through the jungle of stone pillars and it stayed silent from then on.

Chapter 1 – Egg in the maze

The morning sun rose more and more every second. A long winding field of rye waved forth in one direction. Riley sat at the bus station humming a song. She wondered how early she was. “When will the bus arrive?” She thought. That’s all she could think about at the moment. Too sleepy to think about life’s mysteries and wonders. To be awake this early for the bus was important but sooner or later she needed to take a nap. Yet she had to remain wide awake for the bus could arrive anytime soon. Every minute or two she slowly closed her eyes back and forth waiting for the bus’s arrival. Every minute she blinked, resting her eyes, she saw a large vehicle coming closer to the bus stop. She blinked another and it appeared to be a long blue vehicle. “The bus?” she thought to herself.

It took her another minute of eye resting to realize that this was indeed the bus she needed to board on. Riley’s eyes opened again, she realized it was time to board as the bus laid there waiting for any passengers. The bus’s designation was marked for Ender’s Ville, a quiet little town laying in the middle of the woods from what she heard from her older brother. She stepped into the bus with just her stuffed backpack and black hoodie. As she opened her weary eyes again, she only saw the automaton driver and a man garbed in black clothing sitting all alone by himself.

The driver steered its head slowly towards her and said, “Ticket?” Riley reached towards her pockets and found a one-way ticket to Ender’s Ville. The driver reached out his rusty metallic fingers for the ticket and stamped it with just a thumb. “Welcome aboard lady” The robot said as it gave her back the ticket and awaited her to take a seat.

She went towards a seat in the back near the windows. The bus took off it’s destination as Riley yawned. Sleepy as she was, she did felt like looking across the rye fields out of boredom. The rugged road kept her awake for now.

“Heading to Ender’s Ville I bet. Any relatives?” The Stranger from across a seat spoke.

Riley turned to the stranger. She didn’t know how to respond to a stranger but she gave him an answer, “Just a couple. My aunt and older brother.” Wondering if she wanted to start a conversation to the trip or just go to sleep quickly, she then asked in return. “What about you?”

“Visiting a few friends. Heard that Ender’s Ville is filled with wild stories.” The stranger said. “Reckless Crazed Machines. Colossal Giants. Fire breathing dragons. Bisons silent as Owls. The mysterious Jackalope.”

“Jackalopes aren’t real.” She said. “Neither are reckless crazed machines and bisons silent as owls. The fire breathing dragons however I believe.”

“Why’s that?” The stranger’s curiosity rose.

“There a species that’s rarely seen by people because they live in highly volatile areas. I’ve actually seen one myself. Nasty violent creatures. Especially the mother dragon around her children.”

“You’ve seen a dragon?” The stranger got even more curious.

“Yeah. My aunt is part of a special team of mercs. I’ve seen her fought one along with my brother. She’s part of an elite team lead by the legendary Gear Gunslinger.”

“Huh… the Gear Gunslinger. Never understood why he was called that.”

“Apparently he’s called that because he’s a cyborg that’s an excellent sharpshooter. Never met the guy but from what I heard he is indestructible and immortal and can bring down his enemies with just a gaze.”

“But it’s probably unlikely. Probably just a guy who’s good at surviving in warzone’s is all.” The stranger guessed. “Still. He is legendary for being excellent of what he does. Saving children from fire. Helping people to stop or avoid floods. Surviving and killing large intimidating creatures. Is it because of him being a cyborg?”

“I don’t know.” She said. “Never met the guy or seen the guy in action. At least I don’t think I’ve met the guy. Memory’s a bit shakey. I just know he’s legendary for his deeds. I do know however that he and his team of mercs reside in Ender’s Ville which is where I’m heading to visit family.”

“Hmm… okay. Well thanks for the conversation anyway.” The stranger smiled. He then looked out of the window and saw a town a few miles away. “There’s Ender’s Ville. Nice little town. Maybe a few of those strange wild stories are true.”

Riley saw the town as well. The town lied in the middle of a valley covered in woods and hills. It was a decent little town as the stranger mentioned. The town that resided near a large lake was covered in various bright and darkened colors. Blue buildings next to red building. Green fire hydrants next to even greener lampposts. Purple rails on orange-bricked sidewalks. As the bus got closer, she could clearly see it also had its share of average to bad-looking areas from junkyards to abandoned stores, some of which appeared to be burnt years ago. She also noticed the lack of people here, probably because it’s still too early in the morning.

The bus stopped as morning still shined on the red streets of Ender’s Ville. Riley and the stranger stepped off the bus leaving there separate ways. Riley, feeling somewhat wide awake already, soon spotted a large map post for new folk who just left the bus station. The place she was looking for was an old lighthouse built into a large house. Riley searched through the map but it doesn’t seemed to be mapped.

“You’d think there be a mapped location of the Merc’s HQ on here” She thought. Eventually she realized the map doesn’t even have the police station or the fire department here that she could clearly see a few blocks away. It only charted various tourist traps for outsiders. Some she wondered were even tourists traps such as the pet store or the Museum of Chalk which she recognized as one of the burnt buildings of Ender’s Ville. She looked at the town once more and though “For a quiet little town with a bit of beauty to it. There’s an ugly desperate side to it.”


Active Member
This is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. The only part that really made me cringe was the phrase "an entire family of orphans". Unless English is not your first language I do not think that I need to explain why that is not something you should ever say. You may be able to get away with it if the main cast is all orphans and they just went through an awesome adventure and become such good friend that they form a metaphorical family, but that is clearly not what is meant here.

It is really hard to judge a prologue is without reading the whole story because the main job of the prologue is foreshadowing, but I'll try my best. Your prologue is so close to being interesting enough to make me want to read more, but it just falls short. If you replace "He then saw cracks of illuminating light surrounding him… there he saw nine different creatures in different shapes and sizes looking at him, focused" with two or so paragraphs actually describing the creatures and what they are doing, I think you will have a decent prologue. Since literally anything could be those creatures, I have no reason to try and figure out what they were. There is an equal amount of evidence pointing to the creatures being demons from Hell as to the creatures being Super Saiyans. Whatever my first guess is will be just as good as anything anyone else every comes up with, so why bother putting in any effort to try and think about the problem.

If we ignore the botched ending, then the prologue overall is actually pretty okay.