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i love pokémon (A PG-15 One-shot)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by FireTypeLover, Aug 28, 2011.

  1. FireTypeLover

    FireTypeLover Mr. Soul Stealer

    i love pokémon (A PG-15 One-shot)

    Hello, Serebii Forums! This is my first fic since 2008 and those fics were epic fails, as I'm sure anyone who read them will agree. Anyways, this is rated PG-15 for some disturbing themes, violence, and a bit of swearing.

    Without further ado, here's the fic, i love pokémon! Hope you like it!

    i love pokémon

    Dear Reporter for Castelia Newspaper

    I’m just some random guy named Henry that wants to share something to you! Put this in the Pokémon Lovers or wherever the hell you want to, as long as you put it somewhere. I read the Castelia Newspaper, you know, and I'll be watching you guys carefully...

    Did I ever mention how much I love Pokémon?

    It’s true.

    They’re cool and ta...terrific and...warm too.

    I love them so much, but unfortunately I don’t have a Pokémon of my own.

    I don’t know why.

    I envy my schoolmates who have cool Pokémon. Their flavor is simply delicious, metaphorically speaking. Do you think I'm not being metaphorical about that?

    Of course I am being metaphorical.

    The only time I ever remember having a Pokémon was a cool Vanniluxe. My family gave it to me as a present for my birthday, you see.

    I complimented Vanilluxe's metaphorical flavor, for many weeks. Vanniluxe was so cool and anyone who saw my Vanniluxe greedily stared at it.

    I guess they wanted something cold to cool them down, like I did, in this extremely hot summer.

    However, one day, it just disappeared.

    What happened to my poor Vanniluxe? I tried to solve that mystery for a long time because I loved it and now it disappeared somewhere in the hottest day of summer. We can't even find his poor vanilla body. We did find drops of vanilla in my bedroom, however.

    I don't know how those drops of vanilla got there, but, well, I guess that's what happens with ice cream cones.

    My family?

    I forget what happened to them, but I vividly remember tasting human flesh, fresh blood, and juicy guts once. Tasted good.

    Not as good as a Pokémon, though.

    You see, I’ll do anything for a Pokémon. For some reason, my friends don’t give me any Pokémon for my birthday or for Christmas. I don’t know why.

    It makes me sad. And mad. So mad.

    I’ll wreak my revenge on them, though.

    You see, it’s for revenge and a good meal.

    I’ll burn it down.

    Nuvema Town, you see.

    A peaceful place. Not for long though. You know, my friends will regret that they never gave me a juicy Pokémon as a present...

    A person needs to eat, right? You understand, don’t you?

    I’ll burn it down.

    Oh wait, never mind, I already did. At any rate, burning them alive is much more humane than eating them alive.

    And I hate raw stuff, you know.

    I love eating freshly cooked stuff, cooked by a fiery oven.

    Or in this case a fiery flamethrower.

    Now, where to go next after I fill my hungry stomach on the people and their Pokémon?

    The Pokémon League?

    No, too strong.

    Opelucid City?

    Nah, too far.

    Castelia City?

    Surely. It's not too far and full of Pokémon and humans. I don't see why I wouldn't go there for some food.

    You have been warned. Both you and I know I will burn every living thing in that city, and perhaps some more.

    Humans taste good, especially cooked.

    But not as good as tasty Pokémon.

    Did I ever mention how much I love Pokémon?

    It’s true.

    Sincerely, your friend, Henry from Nuvema Town.

    Some criticism would be appreciated for this one-shot. And you can think this is a letter or a phone call or a voice recording or whatever you want to think sent by a mentally unstable guy.

    Last edited: Oct 19, 2011
  2. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Creepy... I love it! The whole cannibalism thing and eating Pokemon might turn some people off, but I personally like the concept. I could definitely see some crazy guy doing this, and the imagery that appeared in my head definitely freaked me out a little bit. The point that I realized that he was crazy is when he said that their flavor is delicious, metaphorically speaking. My only suggestion is that you put this in paragraph form, instead of having each sentence seperate. That's your call though. Also, I imagined this as a letter where all the letters are cut out of different magazines/newspapers. (etc.) It made it even creepier for me.
  3. FireTypeLover

    FireTypeLover Mr. Soul Stealer

    Thanks for the reception, phoopes! Anyways, I did the having every sentence separate thing because it made me feel the guy was crazier. Probably only I think that, though...
  4. Phoopes

    Phoopes There it is.

    Naw, I can see what you mean. Personally, it could have made him seen crazier if every once in a while you changed the font and had weird capitalization. Sure, people would criticize grammar and such, but it wouldn't be that hard to add a little author's note explaining it.
  5. storymasterb

    storymasterb Knight of RPGs

    Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
    -Alfred, The Dark Knight-

    Above quote is made for how appropriate I felt it was. Generally. It's kind of hard to sum up how I feel about this one-shot, mainly because I came into it expecting a different sort of love for Pokemon, if you know what I mean. Perhaps the misleading nature of the title adds to the experience by completely throwing you off when you realize the true nature of the man's ranting, at which it honestly becomes quite bluntly horrifying. The first few sentences are also quite misleading.

    I think what really grabs me about this is that prior to the revelation of what the man is and what he's done, you can -completely- misinterpret how exactly he loves Pokemon. You may come to think he loves Pokemon in a sexual or emotional manner, which is of course what immediately sprang to mind for me (to be fair I am a romantic sap and... need I say more?). This, due to Mood Whiplash, then makes the reveal of the truth all the more horrifying, which in turn causes it to hit harder. But on a level? This is brilliant, and I would go so far as to call it one of the better one-shots I've read. There's a saying, 'true art is incomprehensible'. This... may qualify. I think, personally, it does. You're writing about a horrific topic from a madman's perspective and yet there's something quite coldly lucid about the whole thing which only really gets broken as the man begins to rant. At first, I suppose, the man gives off this impression of a Hannibal Lecter-type on a re-read when you know the truth behind what he's saying, in fact I can draw a few similarities between our narrator and Hannibal. It's only when the mask starts to slip that the impression becomes more of a psychotic, Dark Knight-Joker-esque type, just lacking the fact that somehow the Joker can make pretty much anything funny, whereas this narrator just evokes... horror.

    I personally think the structure you have now works. Because of the separation, the reader analyses each sentence more rather than moving onto the next right away, which makes the effect of what this madman is saying much more profound once you get the truth.

    All in all? Excellent writing style, the misleading title is a definite thumbs-up from me because it makes the truth of things more hard-hitting, and overall I look forward to seeing more of your work in future.
  6. FireTypeLover

    FireTypeLover Mr. Soul Stealer

    Wow. I never expected an extremely detailed review like this for one of my fan fics. Speaking of details, if I ever do a traditional fic, if you know what I mean, I don't really think I'll do that good in it. Therefore, I'll try to improve my skills some more (or at least do some heavy revising) before I post my next fan fiction on Serebii. At least a chaptered fic, anyways. Why must my pessimistic side always try to come out of me?

    Anyways, I'm extremely thankful for the detailed review, storymasterb, and I love that quote from The Dark Knight. And also, I thought of the 'love' the reporter would think from reading the letter/voice recording/whatever you want to think as a friendship kind, not a sexual kind (though, I wrote the fic, so I can twist the characters all I want...)

    And in a day I'll ask a mod to move this to the Completed Fics section, so if anyone else wants to post, which I doubt, post quickly!

    Oh, and also, phoopes, if I ever create a sequel to this (which literally has the mad guy love Pokémon) I'll change the capitalization and maybe the font a bit to emphasize Henry's craziness (eh, it sounds better for some reason than Harry)
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2011
  7. Psychic

    Psychic Really and truly Staff Member Moderator

    Well, you certainly wanted this moved early. I'll drop off my two cents first, though.

    Overall I thought it was all right. The concept is different and not something you would generally expect, but then this isn't a common topic in most fandoms or even real life. That said, I'm not sure how much you took into account the fact that Pokemon aren't helpless creatures, so I have trouble imagining some random psycho being able to hold down and/or consume something that can Flamethrower you to death or simply Scratch your face off. If he had a Pokemon he used to help him with that I think it might make more sense and create an interesting dynamic to explore. But it's really random - there's no real character development showing how he got this way or how the heck he progressed from eating Pokemon to eating family to burning down cities. That pretty much just came out of nowhere and it doesn't do anything.

    Regarding the formatting, I thought it looked okay. The italics worked, but putting each sentence and phrase in a new paragraph got a bit grating after awhile. It's a technique that tends to work better when used sparingly, and there were a good couple instances where a few sentences could be in one paragraph. I also wouldn't endorse making the font and capitalization all wonky because that kind of thing just tends to be distracting from the text unless, once again, used sparingly and wisely.

    Some minor things:

    I thought this part was nicely done. It slowly draws you in and makes you curious as to what's going on without immediately making you realize what's going on. You show us pretty quickly after that what's wrong with this guy, revealing it maybe a little too quickly so the suspense doesn't build quite as well. Spend more time drawing in the reader and making them guess. Dwell a bit about how he "loved" his first Pokemon before immediately saying I EAT EVERYTHING in big, neon letters. I'm also not sure if the "ta" was just a stuttered "terrific," though I'm glad this is really the only use of ellipses here.

    This part was unclear. What is the question "Am I?" referring to? I think you question might be "Am I being metaphorical?" but it's unclear. I don't think that's an issue with his mental instability, just awkward writing. I do like the mention of his envy here, however.

    Remove the "or blahblahblah" and put a comma before "though."
    I would suggest making the last line "You see, it’s for revenge and a good meal." since the "for" refers to both the revenge and the good meal.

    I don't get the point of going out of his way to say he wants to stay anonymous until he no longer wants to be anonymous, only for him to later give him name. Again, this looks like awkward writing, not a result of his mental instability, so I don't see that as an excuse. I'd advise against mentioning that bit at all, or at least removing the "until I want to say my name" bit.

    Overall it was an interesting idea, but I think it can use some polishing. There aren't any problems that would be impossible to fix here, so a bit of editing should do some good. I would also advise doing a bit of research on cannibalism if you want to write about it so you'll have a more in-depth knowledge on which to base your writing. It was definitely something new to read, and I hope we can see more like it in the future. Good luck!

  8. FireTypeLover

    FireTypeLover Mr. Soul Stealer

    I'm sure I can make a lame excuse for the fact that how he burned down the town. Weak Pokémon? Or I can just make it a crack fic. That said, these excuses I made are horrible. Eh, I'll think of something later.

    Okay then. I'll combine a few more sentences, I guess.

    I'll lengthen that part out a bit. And also I implied "ta" to be "tasty," while his mouth was watering, but then he changed it to "terrific." I'm not sure if anyone noticed that, though.

    Yeah, it's meant to mean "Am I being metaphorical?" I'll try to make it more clear. And thanks for the compliment for the mention of his envy part.

    I meant to make the blahblahblah a note of his mental unstableness, but the readers obviously know he's crazy by now, so I'll remove it. I'll also do all the grammar stuff you told me.

    You have a good point there. You see, I wanted the guy to stay anonymous for the entire letter. However, towards the end, I changed my mind and wanted him to say his name. Yeah, it does seem kind of awkward, so I'll remove that part.

    I don't think I'll ever write anything based on cannibalism again, except maybe a sequel to this that will (try to) explain his backstory and how he became so crazy. Stay tuned for the fic that will probably never come, or, at best, in a month!

    Anyways, thanks for the criticism, Psychic, and I edited all the parts in an attempt to make it cleaner. However, I think I just made it look sloppier. It's the readers' pick though, not mine.
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2011

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