I need advice...

[Crazy Weavile]

I'm working on Chapter 5 of my fic, and I was wondering how I could make the scene in bold carry a bit more emotional punch. Any ideas?

Chapter 5:

PorygonADV floated into the dark, damp living room. Robert was standing in front of the door. Next to him was Weepinbell, looking nervous.

"Alright, before we leave the boat, I need to tell you two something. Do not, under any circumstances, go back to retrieve someone if they've somehow been incapacitated. This place is a mangled wreck, but it's still probably crawling with guards. This is not a good combination. If need be, flee. This is highly dangerous," said Robert worriedly. He shifted his eyes left and right, and then opened the door. It creaked open, and the raindrops falling from the dark storm clouds above started to slam into the floor of the room. Robert, PorygonADV and Weepinbell all hurried onto the damp soil by the boat, before PorygonADV closed the door with telekinesis. Waves from the chaotic sea crashed into Robert's ankles, and he shuddered.

"Up there," said PorygonADV. Atop the gigantic rock in front of them was a massive heap of broken metal vaugely resembling a massive dome-shaped building. However, the rock was steep, and could not be climbed. There seemed to be a group of metallic Pokemon with three eyes and magnets at each end living inside the rock, however, and one walked up to the confused travellers.

"Zone Magnezone?" the Pokemon asked.

"It is a Magnezone, and it is asking if it could help us with Magnet Rise," PorygonADV translated.

"Certainly!" exclaimed Robert. The Magnezone swept under Robert's legs, and all of a sudden it lifted him to the top of the rock. PorygonADV and Weepinbell followed. The Magnezone bid them farewell by waving about its magnets, and dropped back down to the cave. Upon closer examination, PorygonADV, Robert and Weepinbell all saw that the landscape was horrific. The soil was muddy, filled with rotting vegetation and shards of metal. A few feet away stood the open doorway of the terrible metal structure before them. PorygonADV entered first, calmly floating into the rubble. Next came Robert, dashing out of the mud and into the burnt metal hallway. Finally, Weepinbell slowly hovered into the doorway with great caution, and the three continued down the path.

PorygonADV's eyes lit up around halfway through the hallway, illumiating the terrible sights of the hallway for all to see. The metal plating was scorched black and filled with former shrapnel that had since cooled off and fused with the walls, ceiling, and floor. Coating these ruined floors were the corpses of at least a hundred guards, loyally maintaining their post until death, strewn about like so much trash. Robert stepped on something, and picked it up. It was a tiny gold locket. Opening it, the photograph inside was still in relatively good condition, showing a small girl of about eight, with the words 'My Sweet Emily' engraved on top. Placing it around the nearby corpse's neck, Robert dashed ahead to catch up with the others.

 

[bobandbill]

I think the bolded part could use more 'emotional punch', as you say. Compared to the rest of the text (which is excellent by the way) it seems rushed and out of place.
I guess you can expand on each line more - e.g. "Robert stepped on something, and picked it up" could become something like:
"Robert trudged on by, trying not to focus on the mess around him. As he walked he heard a sound underneath his shoe. He knelt down quietly to examine the object."
Basically I think you should describe everything in the same style as before that - use that descriptive language in the previous bits and keep it slow, and it should be fine.
Hope I helped.

 

[Crazy Weavile]

This is the current version. Does it work for you?

Suddenly, a cracking noise came out from under Robert's feet. Leaping back in shock, he saw a minuscule gold locket and carefully lifted it off of the floor. Opening it with caution, it could be seen the photograph inside was still in relatively good condition, showing a small girl of about eight, with the words 'My Sweet Emily' engraved on top. Gently placing it around the nearby corpse's neck, Robert dashed ahead to catch up with the others.

 

[bobandbill]

Much better! I'd say you're good to go

 

[Dragonfree]

I think you should spend more time before he places it around the nearby corpse's neck. Right now he just doesn't seem to care - "Oh, a locket with a picture saying "My Sweet Emily"? Nice. Um, I guess this guard owned it, so I'll just place it around his neck."

Personally, I'd write at least a paragraph there in between about Robert's reaction to seeing it. Make him pick up the locket and realize it probably belongs to the nearby corpse. Then make him look at the corpse and describe it a little; say the dead man's general age range, maybe something about how he appears to have died, the position he's in... Just saying there's a corpse doesn't have any emotional impact since people are completely immune to being touched by hearing a body count. You need to make it personal, give the reader a little glimpse into who this poor man is.

Lastly, make Robert think a little before placing the locket around the guy's neck. If he just picks it up, places it on the corpse and then runs, he doesn't seem to care. Give him some time to look at the guard, briefly imagine how much he must have loved his daughter (I'm presuming it's his daughter, anyway) and how she is now fatherless, and make him actually decide to put the locket around his neck. And when you've just done something like that, you're not likely to just dash away immediately. Have him at least take a last look at the guard before doing so.

Of course, the actual details of his reaction depend on what kind of character he is, and there you should be the one who knows better than I, but there is no way to make a scene dramatic and emotional if you tell it in a couple of sentences at the end of a paragraph.

 

[Crazy Weavile]

How is this version?

Suddenly, a cracking noise came out from under Robert's feet. Leaping back in shock, he saw a minuscule gold locket and carefully lifted it off of the floor. Opening it with caution, it could be seen the photograph inside was still in relatively good condition, showing a small girl of about eight, with the words 'My Sweet Emily' engraved on top. Nearby, there was a man's bloodied corpse in the remains of a chainmail shirt and jeans. His eyes were closed, as if to escape the sight of his workmates' horrible deaths and, from the look of his skin, he appeared middle-aged. The photo of the girl in the locket seemed to have a man with a similar appearance to the corpse behind her. So he was her father, from the looks of things. That would mean Emily, whatever she was like, was fatherless... After closing the locket, he gently placed it around the nearby corpse's neck. Looking back on the body one last time, a girder above started to creak, and Robert dashed ahead to catch up with the others

 

[bobandbill]

Even better

 

[Crazy Weavile]

Thanks. Well, the chapter is now up, so this thread can be closed, and anyone who wants to read the fic can.