The Teller
King of Half-Truths
Not one to be outdone, here I am with one of my Yuletides for this year. This one is for icomeanon6, who requested something G-PG-13, no shipping, no Sinnoh or spin-off regions or dark/sad endings, and the prompt: (Comedy) "No, Dad, I really want a Venipede for Christmas." With a prompt like that, how could I NOT make the following? I hope everyone enjoys!
I Want A Wild Venipede for Christmas
(to the tune of “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”)
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsvOrtcrA5c)
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Only the most toxic one will do.
Don’t want a Ball, no Reshiram plushie;
I want a wild Venipede to battle hard for me!
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Mommy says it’s fine with her, you know?
He’ll sleep in the hall, in his Luxury Ball;
And when a burglar breaks in,
We can throw him at the foe!
I can picture me on Christmas morning,
Slinking by the stairs.
Oh my gosh and what is there?
My aunt’s presents? I don’t care.
A deadly Venipede that will strike fear.
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Only the most toxic one will do.
No tamed Sewaddles, no Larvestaseses;
I only need a Venipede for my uses.
And I heard that Venipedes like me, too!
You always say that, a Venipede is bad,
But the professor says that it’ll be very glad!
He’ll clean all the dishes, he’s great as you can see;
I’ll race him and I’ll feed him and play Pokemon-Amie!
I can picture me on Christmas morning,
Slinking down the stairs.
Oh my gosh and what is there?
My aunt’s presents? I don’t care.
A deadly Venipede that will strike fear.
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Only the most toxic one will do.
No tamed Sewaddles, no Larvestaseses;
I only need a Venipede for my uses.
And I heard that Venipedes like me, too!
~~~~~~~~~~
In the heart of Unova, a small, suburban boy asks his father for a most unusual gift for Christmas. Though the father tries to dissuade him with promises of “better” gifts, the boy is adamant about his choice.
“No, Dad, I really want a Venipede for Christmas!” the boy says.
“But son,” says the father, “we are in Lacunosa Town. A Venipede is very hard to find. Wouldn’t you rather instead Santa bring you that new dragon doll that just came out?”
“Daaaad, I don’t want that! I really need a Venipede! And not just any Venipede. I need the most poisonous one there is. The king of all Venipedes! Last year’s Premier Ball was cool and all, but I don’t need another one. And everybody’s gonna have the new Reshiram doll. I can just get one from one of my friends if I really want one.”
“Why do you even want a Venipede?” asks the father.
“Because! I want to be the very best trainer, like no one in this town ever was. And in order to do that, I need the most powerful Venipede there ever was. Also…it’s scary at night. Kyurem might eat me. I need a wild Venipede to keep me safe from the monster.”
“Son, you know that Kyurem can’t come inside the houses of good, little boys. Are you trying to tell me something?”
“Daaaaad…”
“And what does your mother have to say about all this?”
“Mom says that it’s fine with her. I already talked to her about it.”
“Oh did you now?”
“Yeah, she’s totally cool with it. You don’t need to ask her.”
The father looks absolutely unimpressed. This does not detour the boy.
“It doesn’t have to sleep with me, if you’re concerned about its poison. It can sleep in the hall! Since it’s a Pokémon, we can put it inside a Luxury Ball so that it’ll be nice and comfy. That’ll save space. And if we get a burglar breaking in at night, or Kyurem, we’ll have a powerful Venipede to attack with! We can just throw the Luxury Ball at them!”
Before the father could speak again, the boy continues.
“Just picture it, Dad! Me, on Christmas morning, sleep still in my eyes, sneaking quietly downstairs, giddy with anticipation. I promise I’ll act surprised when I see the Venipede standing there.”
“But I heard that your aunt’s presents are going to be huge this year, son. Won’t you be disappointed that her presents are bigger?”
“I don’t care, Dad! I really want a wild Venipede for Christmas! It’s the only way to strike fear into the hearts of criminals, just like that one superhero!”
“Super Cilan?”
“Daaaaaaad!”
“I’m just teasing you, son!”
The father ruffles the hair on top of the boy’s head.
“Wouldn’t you rather have a nice, friendly Sewaddle? I’m sure, if we put in a good word to Santa, he might be able to bring home a nice Larvesta instead.”
“Dad, everyone knows that no one finds Sewaddles or Larvestas scary or threatening. Sewaddles eat leaves, for crying out loud, and Larvestas take a bajillion years to evolve into the sun Pokémon. A Venipede is poisonous! It’s exactly the kind of Pokémon I need for stopping all kinds of bad things that could happen around here!”
“And besides,” the boy continues, “Ethan and Brendan from school said that all the Venipedes out there heard about me and they like me, too! So that’s a plus.”
The father chuckles to himself.
“I’m sure, son.”
But then the father thinks more about the situation. There is a reason why people do not keep Poison-type Pokémon as pets, especially with children around the house.
“But son, having a Poison-type Pokémon can be very dangerous.”
“Dad, I know what you’re going to say. You always say that having certain types of Pokémon in the house is a bad thing. But, I spoke to the professor about this! And he said that that’s an ‘unfounded rumor’ and that Poison-types would actually be very glad to be in a nice home such as ours! They’re just very lonely because everyone thinks they’re dangerous and don’t want one. We should get a Venipede so that it won’t feel as lonely!”
And now the boy is getting desperate.
“He’ll wash all the dishes. Venipedes are supposed to be really good at that. He’ll be the bestest Venipede you’ve ever seen! And…and I’ll race with him every day, to make sure he stays in shape! A-and I’ll stay in shape, too! You’re always saying that I need to exercise more! Oh! And I’ll feed him every day, too! You won’t have to worry about feeding him, because I’ll do it instead. And I’ll tell you exactly what to buy from the grocery store, so you won’t have to worry about that, too. And I’ll hug him and rub him and pat him and play games with him and feed him lots of PokéPuffs every day!”
The son beams a brilliant smile.
The father sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. Clearly this isn’t something his son is going to relent on anytime soon. The boy has thought this one through. Maybe he’ll have to speak to the child’s mother about this.
He smiles at the boy.
“I’m sure if you’re really good and pray really hard, Santa Claus will give you a Venipede for Christmas.”
The boy beams.
“Really?!”
“I’m sure of it.”
“Yay!” shouts the boy, bouncing around the house as if the bug Pokémon was already there.
The father smiles, but is running his brain a mile a minute. Now…he has to find out where Venipedes even live.
The End
I Want A Wild Venipede for Christmas
(to the tune of “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”)
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsvOrtcrA5c)
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Only the most toxic one will do.
Don’t want a Ball, no Reshiram plushie;
I want a wild Venipede to battle hard for me!
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Mommy says it’s fine with her, you know?
He’ll sleep in the hall, in his Luxury Ball;
And when a burglar breaks in,
We can throw him at the foe!
I can picture me on Christmas morning,
Slinking by the stairs.
Oh my gosh and what is there?
My aunt’s presents? I don’t care.
A deadly Venipede that will strike fear.
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Only the most toxic one will do.
No tamed Sewaddles, no Larvestaseses;
I only need a Venipede for my uses.
And I heard that Venipedes like me, too!
You always say that, a Venipede is bad,
But the professor says that it’ll be very glad!
He’ll clean all the dishes, he’s great as you can see;
I’ll race him and I’ll feed him and play Pokemon-Amie!
I can picture me on Christmas morning,
Slinking down the stairs.
Oh my gosh and what is there?
My aunt’s presents? I don’t care.
A deadly Venipede that will strike fear.
I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
Only the most toxic one will do.
No tamed Sewaddles, no Larvestaseses;
I only need a Venipede for my uses.
And I heard that Venipedes like me, too!
~~~~~~~~~~
In the heart of Unova, a small, suburban boy asks his father for a most unusual gift for Christmas. Though the father tries to dissuade him with promises of “better” gifts, the boy is adamant about his choice.
“No, Dad, I really want a Venipede for Christmas!” the boy says.
“But son,” says the father, “we are in Lacunosa Town. A Venipede is very hard to find. Wouldn’t you rather instead Santa bring you that new dragon doll that just came out?”
“Daaaad, I don’t want that! I really need a Venipede! And not just any Venipede. I need the most poisonous one there is. The king of all Venipedes! Last year’s Premier Ball was cool and all, but I don’t need another one. And everybody’s gonna have the new Reshiram doll. I can just get one from one of my friends if I really want one.”
“Why do you even want a Venipede?” asks the father.
“Because! I want to be the very best trainer, like no one in this town ever was. And in order to do that, I need the most powerful Venipede there ever was. Also…it’s scary at night. Kyurem might eat me. I need a wild Venipede to keep me safe from the monster.”
“Son, you know that Kyurem can’t come inside the houses of good, little boys. Are you trying to tell me something?”
“Daaaaad…”
“And what does your mother have to say about all this?”
“Mom says that it’s fine with her. I already talked to her about it.”
“Oh did you now?”
“Yeah, she’s totally cool with it. You don’t need to ask her.”
The father looks absolutely unimpressed. This does not detour the boy.
“It doesn’t have to sleep with me, if you’re concerned about its poison. It can sleep in the hall! Since it’s a Pokémon, we can put it inside a Luxury Ball so that it’ll be nice and comfy. That’ll save space. And if we get a burglar breaking in at night, or Kyurem, we’ll have a powerful Venipede to attack with! We can just throw the Luxury Ball at them!”
Before the father could speak again, the boy continues.
“Just picture it, Dad! Me, on Christmas morning, sleep still in my eyes, sneaking quietly downstairs, giddy with anticipation. I promise I’ll act surprised when I see the Venipede standing there.”
“But I heard that your aunt’s presents are going to be huge this year, son. Won’t you be disappointed that her presents are bigger?”
“I don’t care, Dad! I really want a wild Venipede for Christmas! It’s the only way to strike fear into the hearts of criminals, just like that one superhero!”
“Super Cilan?”
“Daaaaaaad!”
“I’m just teasing you, son!”
The father ruffles the hair on top of the boy’s head.
“Wouldn’t you rather have a nice, friendly Sewaddle? I’m sure, if we put in a good word to Santa, he might be able to bring home a nice Larvesta instead.”
“Dad, everyone knows that no one finds Sewaddles or Larvestas scary or threatening. Sewaddles eat leaves, for crying out loud, and Larvestas take a bajillion years to evolve into the sun Pokémon. A Venipede is poisonous! It’s exactly the kind of Pokémon I need for stopping all kinds of bad things that could happen around here!”
“And besides,” the boy continues, “Ethan and Brendan from school said that all the Venipedes out there heard about me and they like me, too! So that’s a plus.”
The father chuckles to himself.
“I’m sure, son.”
But then the father thinks more about the situation. There is a reason why people do not keep Poison-type Pokémon as pets, especially with children around the house.
“But son, having a Poison-type Pokémon can be very dangerous.”
“Dad, I know what you’re going to say. You always say that having certain types of Pokémon in the house is a bad thing. But, I spoke to the professor about this! And he said that that’s an ‘unfounded rumor’ and that Poison-types would actually be very glad to be in a nice home such as ours! They’re just very lonely because everyone thinks they’re dangerous and don’t want one. We should get a Venipede so that it won’t feel as lonely!”
And now the boy is getting desperate.
“He’ll wash all the dishes. Venipedes are supposed to be really good at that. He’ll be the bestest Venipede you’ve ever seen! And…and I’ll race with him every day, to make sure he stays in shape! A-and I’ll stay in shape, too! You’re always saying that I need to exercise more! Oh! And I’ll feed him every day, too! You won’t have to worry about feeding him, because I’ll do it instead. And I’ll tell you exactly what to buy from the grocery store, so you won’t have to worry about that, too. And I’ll hug him and rub him and pat him and play games with him and feed him lots of PokéPuffs every day!”
The son beams a brilliant smile.
The father sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. Clearly this isn’t something his son is going to relent on anytime soon. The boy has thought this one through. Maybe he’ll have to speak to the child’s mother about this.
He smiles at the boy.
“I’m sure if you’re really good and pray really hard, Santa Claus will give you a Venipede for Christmas.”
The boy beams.
“Really?!”
“I’m sure of it.”
“Yay!” shouts the boy, bouncing around the house as if the bug Pokémon was already there.
The father smiles, but is running his brain a mile a minute. Now…he has to find out where Venipedes even live.
The End
