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I Want A Wild Venipede for Christmas (Yuletide 2017)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by The Teller, Dec 25, 2017.

  1. The Teller

    The Teller King of Half-Truths

    Not one to be outdone, here I am with one of my Yuletides for this year. This one is for icomeanon6, who requested something G-PG-13, no shipping, no Sinnoh or spin-off regions or dark/sad endings, and the prompt: (Comedy) "No, Dad, I really want a Venipede for Christmas." With a prompt like that, how could I NOT make the following? I hope everyone enjoys!

    I Want A Wild Venipede for Christmas

    (to the tune of “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”)


    I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
    Only the most toxic one will do.
    Don’t want a Ball, no Reshiram plushie;
    I want a wild Venipede to battle hard for me!

    I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
    Mommy says it’s fine with her, you know?
    He’ll sleep in the hall, in his Luxury Ball;
    And when a burglar breaks in,
    We can throw him at the foe!

    I can picture me on Christmas morning,
    Slinking by the stairs.
    Oh my gosh and what is there?
    My aunt’s presents? I don’t care.
    A deadly Venipede that will strike fear.

    I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
    Only the most toxic one will do.
    No tamed Sewaddles, no Larvestaseses;
    I only need a Venipede for my uses.
    And I heard that Venipedes like me, too!

    You always say that, a Venipede is bad,
    But the professor says that it’ll be very glad!
    He’ll clean all the dishes, he’s great as you can see;
    I’ll race him and I’ll feed him and play Pokemon-Amie!

    I can picture me on Christmas morning,
    Slinking down the stairs.
    Oh my gosh and what is there?
    My aunt’s presents? I don’t care.
    A deadly Venipede that will strike fear.

    I want a wild Venipede for Christmas!
    Only the most toxic one will do.
    No tamed Sewaddles, no Larvestaseses;
    I only need a Venipede for my uses.
    And I heard that Venipedes like me, too!


    In the heart of Unova, a small, suburban boy asks his father for a most unusual gift for Christmas. Though the father tries to dissuade him with promises of “better” gifts, the boy is adamant about his choice.

    “No, Dad, I really want a Venipede for Christmas!” the boy says.

    “But son,” says the father, “we are in Lacunosa Town. A Venipede is very hard to find. Wouldn’t you rather instead Santa bring you that new dragon doll that just came out?”

    “Daaaad, I don’t want that! I really need a Venipede! And not just any Venipede. I need the most poisonous one there is. The king of all Venipedes! Last year’s Premier Ball was cool and all, but I don’t need another one. And everybody’s gonna have the new Reshiram doll. I can just get one from one of my friends if I really want one.”

    “Why do you even want a Venipede?” asks the father.

    “Because! I want to be the very best trainer, like no one in this town ever was. And in order to do that, I need the most powerful Venipede there ever was. Also…it’s scary at night. Kyurem might eat me. I need a wild Venipede to keep me safe from the monster.”

    “Son, you know that Kyurem can’t come inside the houses of good, little boys. Are you trying to tell me something?”


    “And what does your mother have to say about all this?”

    “Mom says that it’s fine with her. I already talked to her about it.”

    “Oh did you now?”

    “Yeah, she’s totally cool with it. You don’t need to ask her.”

    The father looks absolutely unimpressed. This does not detour the boy.

    “It doesn’t have to sleep with me, if you’re concerned about its poison. It can sleep in the hall! Since it’s a Pokémon, we can put it inside a Luxury Ball so that it’ll be nice and comfy. That’ll save space. And if we get a burglar breaking in at night, or Kyurem, we’ll have a powerful Venipede to attack with! We can just throw the Luxury Ball at them!”

    Before the father could speak again, the boy continues.

    “Just picture it, Dad! Me, on Christmas morning, sleep still in my eyes, sneaking quietly downstairs, giddy with anticipation. I promise I’ll act surprised when I see the Venipede standing there.”

    “But I heard that your aunt’s presents are going to be huge this year, son. Won’t you be disappointed that her presents are bigger?”

    “I don’t care, Dad! I really want a wild Venipede for Christmas! It’s the only way to strike fear into the hearts of criminals, just like that one superhero!”

    “Super Cilan?”


    “I’m just teasing you, son!”

    The father ruffles the hair on top of the boy’s head.

    “Wouldn’t you rather have a nice, friendly Sewaddle? I’m sure, if we put in a good word to Santa, he might be able to bring home a nice Larvesta instead.”

    “Dad, everyone knows that no one finds Sewaddles or Larvestas scary or threatening. Sewaddles eat leaves, for crying out loud, and Larvestas take a bajillion years to evolve into the sun Pokémon. A Venipede is poisonous! It’s exactly the kind of Pokémon I need for stopping all kinds of bad things that could happen around here!”

    “And besides,” the boy continues, “Ethan and Brendan from school said that all the Venipedes out there heard about me and they like me, too! So that’s a plus.”

    The father chuckles to himself.

    “I’m sure, son.”

    But then the father thinks more about the situation. There is a reason why people do not keep Poison-type Pokémon as pets, especially with children around the house.

    “But son, having a Poison-type Pokémon can be very dangerous.”

    “Dad, I know what you’re going to say. You always say that having certain types of Pokémon in the house is a bad thing. But, I spoke to the professor about this! And he said that that’s an ‘unfounded rumor’ and that Poison-types would actually be very glad to be in a nice home such as ours! They’re just very lonely because everyone thinks they’re dangerous and don’t want one. We should get a Venipede so that it won’t feel as lonely!”

    And now the boy is getting desperate.

    “He’ll wash all the dishes. Venipedes are supposed to be really good at that. He’ll be the bestest Venipede you’ve ever seen! And…and I’ll race with him every day, to make sure he stays in shape! A-and I’ll stay in shape, too! You’re always saying that I need to exercise more! Oh! And I’ll feed him every day, too! You won’t have to worry about feeding him, because I’ll do it instead. And I’ll tell you exactly what to buy from the grocery store, so you won’t have to worry about that, too. And I’ll hug him and rub him and pat him and play games with him and feed him lots of PokéPuffs every day!”

    The son beams a brilliant smile.

    The father sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. Clearly this isn’t something his son is going to relent on anytime soon. The boy has thought this one through. Maybe he’ll have to speak to the child’s mother about this.

    He smiles at the boy.

    “I’m sure if you’re really good and pray really hard, Santa Claus will give you a Venipede for Christmas.”

    The boy beams.


    “I’m sure of it.”

    “Yay!” shouts the boy, bouncing around the house as if the bug Pokémon was already there.

    The father smiles, but is running his brain a mile a minute. Now…he has to find out where Venipedes even live.

    The End
  2. icomeanon6

    icomeanon6 It's "I Come Anon"

    Some fics are worth the price of admission for a single line, and this is one of them. I can't fully explain it, but the bit in bold there had me in stitches. It's just such a perfectly childish and transparent bluff to get your parents to ask Santa for a parents' nightmare of a present.

    And the rest of it is very cute and funny as well! At last, we learn the true story behind the classic Yuletide tune. XD (Glad you linked the original song as I'd never heard of it before. It was really fun to read the poké-lyrics while listening!)

    This line is so adorable. That is exactly the kind of lie that five-year-olds tell all the time and think is so clever. Very, very authentic little detail that really hit home.

    Thank you very much for giving me a big smile on Christmas morning! :D
  3. The Teller

    The Teller King of Half-Truths

    You're very welcome! I knew OF the original song at first, but not the lyrics, so I had to look them up myself when I started all this. Fitting new words into a rhythmic beat is hard! I was originally just gonna do the song, but then I figured it was too short of a present (and you deserved so much more!), so I decided to make the expanded story as well. I'm pretty sure I never asked my parents for a wild Venipede for Christmas (or anything similar), but enough TV has taught me how to act like a child (hooray?)! Fun fact: for my non-Pokemon fan betas, I swapped out the phrase "wild Venipede" for "giant centipede," so to them, I wrote a cutesy story called "I Want A Giant Centipede For Christmas," and they thought the concept alone was f***ing hilarious! Anyway, thanks for the comments, and I'm glad you enjoyed it so much!
  4. Bay


    Both the pokelyrics and the concept is cute! Kids sure can be very persistent on what they want, huh? I too thought the mention of Venipede washing the dishes is an adorable image. The father has a lot of work ahead of him trying to find one for his son there!
  5. Cutlerine

    Cutlerine Gone. Not coming back.

    Well, this is clearly a child after my own heart. I love venipede, and this is a very cute story. There's a lot about the boy that rings true; 'small child' isn't an easy voice to capture, but you do so very well here. The way he constructs his argument (such as it is) feel very true to that age – like, he throws stuff that his dad said once back in his face (“You always say that …”), he brings in dubious corroborative testimony (“I spoke to the professor about this!”; “Ethan and Brendan from school said …”), all that good stuff. And while it's quite light on plot, as a little standalone scene, it's very entertaining. This story does all the things it sets out to do, and in that way I think it's a real success.

    There's just one thing I noticed as I read through that I'd correct:

    I think you mean 'deter' there.

    As I say, though, that's just one thing, and you really do achieve what you set out to with this story. So that's about all I've got in terms of critique. I'll have to take a look at some of your other stuff sometime – I haven't read any of your work before, but since this is so charming I feel like that's an oversight on my part.
  6. gofishyfish

    gofishyfish ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    Whoever got this fic is a lucky person. This was great! I was dying reading through the song, it was so perfect and it still fit (mostly) to the original syllables. The story was equally as cute and innocent too.

    "...and Larvestas take a bajillion years to evolve into the sun Pokémon." Yeah, but kid, that's a strong Pokemon too. XD This child is adamant about what he wants though.

    "Now…he has to find out where Venipedes even live." Poor dad, he's gonna have quite the adventure with this

    Good fic, loved it from beginning to end
  7. The Teller

    The Teller King of Half-Truths

    Welcome to the fanclub! With you and me included, that makes...one! Yay! Obligatory self-depreciating joke aside, thanks for the review! I'd like to think that I was once a small child, so recapturing that voice wasn't too challenging (again, I kid. I was never one to plead with my parents for a toy like this when I was a child). And I betcha anything that I misspelled "deter" and the program autocorrected it into "detour" and I didn't notice because grammar as we know it doesn't exist on a 2007 Word program. Most of my stuff is in my signature (besides the Yuletide and Platonic contest entry), or otherwise in the Completed section. Again, thanks for popping in, and I hope to see you again!

    Look man, Volcarona was THE prime hatching assistant in my White version. It could lower the step count AND fly?! AND it was at a high enough level to take out any pesky Pokemon that tried to take it on? Volcarona was my jam after I beat the E4. That kid doesn't know what he's missing out on (plus, I bet Larvestas are super expensive in their world, so the fact that the father can supposedly afford one is telling).

    One of the reasons why I had the story take place in Lacunosa Town, besides the Kyurem angle that was totally coincidental, was that I looked up where Venipedes live and chose a place that was far away from there. So yes, finding a wild Venipede (only the most toxic one will do!) will be quite a challenge for a middle-aged man. I imagine a safari getup.

    Thanks again for the review!
  8. Chibi Pika

    Chibi Pika Stay positive

    Ahaha, this is hilarious. Both anon's prompt and your take on it! I think you totally nailed the kid-logic in this one. (No really, mom is totally okay with this also don't ask her.) I don't know why, but I think my favorite line was "And when a burglar breaks in, We can throw him at the foe!" There is just something inherently hilarious about breaking into a house and having a giant poisonous centipede lobbed at your face. xD Also, I love that the non-Pokemon betas got to read "I want a Giant Centipede for Christmas" because honestly, that title alone would have had me cracking up, too. xD

  9. This is his best point tbh.

    No, but this was a really sweet story. It’s pretty much a lengthened “But daaaaaaaaaaaaaad” but it never felt repetitive or boring or anything. The son’s tone carried the story well, and how you presented his logic (or whatever you call it) was really amusing and lent well to the light-heartedness of it all.

    I also like the song lyrics at the start, and when I realized the entire story would follow those lyrics it made it even more of an amusing read than it already was. My favorite had to be about how the Venipede would clean all the dishes, because yes, that is exactly what you say to convince your parents to give you something you want. Good job with this. :)

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