I want to build detail/C+C appreciated

[KingBoo1]

I tried writing a fic, but it was too small, especially the chapters, and lacked detail. I'm trying to work on sentences with detail. Critique this paragraph for me, please.

The exquisite, golden-yellow sun rose over white cumulus clouds in a light blue sky on the morning Katie, a medium-build Caucasian girl in her teens with long, rich fudge-brown hair and turquoise-blue eyes, went to school for another day of learning in her classroom. She walked on the light grey concrete sidewalk running parallel to a newly-paved road. White snow had fallen a few days back, and in the shade of bare, brown trees, some snow still remained. It was a cold winter day, and Katie could feel a soft zephyr blowing on her.
When she reached school, her friends called to her. One could see their breath in the cold campus, dotted with brick buildings. But before she could reach them, the bell rang to start first hour. Her friends Lara, a thin, tall Hispanic girl also in her teens with spiky blonde hair and hazel eyes; and Michelle, an African-American girl of similar build with a corn-row pattern of black hair and brown eyes, walked with Katie to their math class, Geometry. They had good grades in the class, and the teachers, Mr. Carson and Ms. de Villa, were nice teachers.

Like it? Critique for me, please.

 

[PDL]

Well, it's one thing to build detail, but it's another to use so much detail that it muddles up the flow of the story.

First you must ask yourself, is the thing you're describing important to the plot? The reader is generally far more interested in the plot, the actual meat of the story, rather then the description, which can be akin to the seasoning. If it's important that the reader understands these details to understand the plot better, then by all means add the detail. It becomes frivilous to add detail to things that do not need too much attention, such as the condition of the sidewalk.

 

[Here Comes The Sun]

The descreption(sp?) seemed perfect, yet there was something missing, something wrong. Upon reading the paragraph thrice, I noticed everything in the story seemed perfect, or, in other words, unreal. Do Lara, Michelle, and Katie have good grades, Are both teachers kind? Is the weather really that perfect? Another thing, I would suggest that you also tell a bit of the person's personality along with the way they look. I'm not an expert though.

 

[Psychic]

The main problem is that the descirption is choppy and is said flat-out. Really, it's not a good idea to plainly state, for instance, "Lara, a thin, tall Hispanic girl also in her teens with spiky blonde hair and hazel eyes" because you're going out o your way to mention this and frankly when you just give a list of what something looks like, readers tend not to remember it.

Instead of just piling description upon description, integrate it into the story so it doesn't disrupt the flow.
"Through the blanket of snow covering the streets, Katie saw her friend Lara leaning against the school building, shivering as the heat from her breath escaped her mouth. Lara's tall, thin frame was slightly bent over from the cold, her hazel eyes following Katie's progression to her."
(please don't steal this description- you can easily be original and make up your own just like this)

First off, it's easier to picture in your head since you're not being bombarded by facts of what people look like. Second, it's much more pleasing to the eye since the description is just being slipped in. You describe people/places/things as things (actions) are being done and so forth. Nice visualization, makes thhings easier to rememer and the reading is just more fluid and less choppy.
Has nothing to do with the story/characters being 'prefect'. Although yes, the ZOMG two paragraphs had no character development- no personality, emotion, point of view, anything. But it's hard to judge a story off two paragraphs. ><

First you must ask yourself, is the thing you're describing important to the plot?

I disagree with you here.

You don't ONLE need to describe things that are important to the plot. I mean, I'm sure everyone enjoys reading simple scenes where it's just...a character admiring a sunset. Sunsets aren't vital to the plot (usually ) but reading about them is still nice. Plus it can set a beautiful mood/tone for the story that can make a read more enjoyable. :3


Just my two cents.

~Psychic

 

[KingBoo1]

Thank you for your help. I did this just for the thread, and it will not make its way into a story.

 

[Tezza]

Heya mate. Looking at that there's such a thing called too much description, referred to as purple prose. Think of it, have you ever looked at the sun (I hope not) and thought, "Wow! That's exquisite! And look at thes cumulus clouds!" Purple prose is for description that doesn't matter. We don't care what colour the concrete is and we know footpath's run parallel to the road, but we do care about the mushy snow still melting beneath the buttress roots of trees. We also like to know her general mood and the atmosphere of the day.

You might be better of using First Person to write, that way you can use your own vocabulary and style to write it. Just put yourself in Katie's shoes. "I walked down the concrete path, kicking away the light snow fall that had come a few days earlier."

Also, to make descriptions of characters stick, try to attach them to actions, emotions and quirks so we can tell the two girls apart aside from their looks. Their personalities are just as important. Does Michelle walk with a quick impatient step? Does Lara lag behind and stop to chat with people. Watch yourself in everyday life and take note of the body language of the people around you and try to incorporate it into your story.

Dialogue Intense: Quite bluntly, there is not enough description to give the reader a clear look at anything or provoke any kind of empathy with the characters. It’s kind of like reading a play script with she said quietly or he shouted at the end of a sentence. Lot’s of conversation.

Most beginners start like this but as they continue to write their vocabulary expands. Paragraphs become more wordy and they learn that you can’t use dialogue to tell a story. Beginners eventually grow out of it but hopefully this will speed up the process.

Purple Prose: The other end of the spectrum and being too descriptive. Mostly this is the province of a Mary-Sue. Superlatives swarm around her like blowflies, and paying particular attention the things that revolve around her, the pattern of chainlinks on her necklace, or what shade of blue her eyes are, with lots of outrageous similes, while leaving other details in the dark.

But not always. Purple Prose can also encompass using too many details that will slow a scene down and clot it like an artery, which mostly comes into play in action scenes.

We are aiming for the middle ground, the smooth flowing descriptions that build up the pertinent details of the movie-in-their-heads. You want word efficiency, using the least number of words to paint the greatest details.

There is no way to tell when enough is enough or too much other than experience. You can make it easy on yourself by writing out your story with lots of description and then rereading it and cutting out the parts that don’t matter or slow down the scene. Eventually, with time and patience, you will hit a happy medium that suits your style and satisfies readers.



Hints to Improve Imagery and Develop Vocabulary

o Adopt ‘Josie-Vision’ (or equivalent thereof). Just close your eyes and move through the scene like it were a movie. Imagine things in exquisite detail. Run through the five senses and apply as many as fitting. Superimpose some of how you would react to the stimuli (a faulty alarm clock, being punched, someone leaning in to kiss, accidentally tripping on your shoelace, finding a pencil) but also maintain the personality of the character.

o Read other fanfiction. I believe nothing else you can do can improve your work more than reading anything and everything. It improves vocabulary, inspires scenes and reviewing builds networks of friends.

o Narrate your life. Pretend you are your own narrator as you wash the dishes at night or peg out the washing inside your head. It means you take notice of certain movements right away and keep them in mind for later writing to make things realistic and casual. Eg;

Tez sighed, wondering how she would phrase her Three Keys tutorial. She sat at her laptop, one finger hovering over a button before launching into another rapidfire series of clicking keys. Glancing out the window for inspiration, she peered between rumpled curtains and silhouetted trees, noticing the last orange smudges on the western horizon. Darting a look at the bottom right corner she read that it was almost 7:30. That was an Australian summer. Even as she stared, she still managed to accurately tap the computer keys without looking at them. Instead she strained to see the evening star, glittering faintly. Giving another heavy sigh, Tez realised this tutorial was going to be a bugger.

o Use a thesaurus. The more you use it, the less you need it. How many times can you look up the word fire without being able to rattle off words like flame, flare, combustion…

o Read. Read lots of published work and your vocabulary will sky rocket. It will also help put context to the words you find in a thesaurus. When I first started I kept a little note book and if I found a phrase I liked I would jot it down in the book. Alas, it vanished in a flood when we went camping one time.

o Experience! Leap at every chance to try something new! Rock climbing, chemistry, gardening! The more experience you have the more things you can accurately write about and can use those experiences, in sufficiently fictionised form, for your story. Narrate these experiences too.

o Pay attention in school. I know, boring, but paying attention to things in science, geography, manual arts means you can specialise in stories. I’m studying Wildlife Science at University and it means I can make up physiological mumbo jumbo to make things more realistic for my flying character as she plunges through different air pressures. You can also do the same thing things like soil types, Spanish, cooking, martial arts, mechanics. Anything to make your character a specialist.



Now I can introduce those three keys. Those three things that will help illuminate the world around your characters as well as the characters themselves. Action, Emotion and Description.

Action: Keep in mind that no matter what's happening, something is always moving. Your character, your scenery, even their eyes are skitting from person to person. Body language is just as important as dialogue. While you’re talking to friends, just observe the kinds of things they do. They will shift their weight from foot to foot, **** their head to the side or wrinkle their nose. Then through your periphery vision you can see moving. Other people, cars zooming past, pets, electrical appliances…. Everything is moving!

Emotion: Emotion isn’t just about ‘she thought, she felt’. It is our bias! Our character leaning towards or away from something because of her personality. It’s what they think of something, how they show it and why they feel that way. A good way to relate these things is adverbs; as in 'said unhappily, thought slyly.' You don’t need them all the time, but they help give a concise way describing an action. Similes are good, but use sparingly. ‘Mad as a Mallee bull,’ ‘enthusiastic as a kitten’….

Description: Everything else! This is where you use your discretion at details, and elaborating on things to make them more realistic, things like referring to a happy memory, or why they feel that way. Use your five senses as you go into ‘Josie-Vision’ Imagine her walking into a forest gym. What does she see? Faded markings, a scorch mark, splintering branches. The light trickling in through dying autumn leaves, dust motes whirling through the shafts. What does she hear? Only the tinny, echoing sound of her own feet crunching the leaves and the muffled cries of the other creatures watching uncertainly from the shadows. Smells? Leaf mould, moisture, and rotting wood. When in doubt, close your eyes and go through your senses. What do they see? Hear? Taste? Smell? Feel?

That's a cut from my Three Key's tutorial. The rest just shows you how to put it into action. Maybe pop around and get a few ideas.