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Ills (one-shot; PG/K+)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by AmericanPi, Jun 23, 2018.

  1. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    "Ills"
    A one-shot
    By AmericanPi

    Wow, it's been a while since I last wrote a Pokémon one-shot. But since I got a burst of inspiration thanks to the recent revival of my love of classical music, now's as good a time to come back as any.

    Anyways, this is a historical AU starring two of my favorite historical figures, but I did take some creative liberties to fit the story into a Pokémon universe. I'm supposed to be doing at least five other things besides writing this, but I had to get it out because I got a burst of inspiration and I wanted to publish it while I was in a classical music mood.

    Without further ado, please enjoy.



    Lumiose City, Kalos, France
    January 9th, 1839


    He's not going to appreciate this, Franz Liszt thought as he knocked on his friend's door, carrying Marie the Skitty under his left arm. The Hungarian stuck his hand in his pocket for the seventh time, making sure that the gift was there. After all, he knew that he wouldn't be caught dead showing up at Frédéric Chopin's residence without it.

    "Why am I doing this?" Franz muttered to himself in Hungarian, just in case Frédéric heard him. It wasn't like he liked Frédéric Chopin as a person. The Pole was everything Franz wasn't - quiet, reserved, and aloof. Hell, Franz was pretty sure that Frédéric couldn't stand him, despite the two appearing together in a few concerts over the years, and despite the fact that the two of them lived a few blocks from each other in Lumiose City. Franz Liszt and Frédéric Chopin grudgingly admired each other, and that was it. Franz knew that he had no right or obligation to do what he was about to do, and that it might even do more harm than good.

    And yet… it was clear to Franz that Frédéric's health, both physical and mental, had been deteriorating. Franz knew that it would simply be cruel, even for him, to not do this.

    Marie gave a plaintive mew, and Franz smiled at the Pokémon, giving her head a pat. It didn't look like Frédéric was going to answer the door. After all, it was late, after dark. Franz was aware of the insensitivity of showing up at Frédéric's residence at this hour, but he had to do it for his plan to work.

    Franz sighed and knocked again. If he doesn't answer this one I'll just leave, he thought, shifting his weight on his feet. Moments passed, and just as Franz was sure that he was unwelcome, a fit of coughing sounded on the other side of the door. Franz smiled wearily to himself. He would recognize Frédéric's coughs anywhere.

    The door to Frédéric's place opened weakly, and the Pole's face, illuminated faintly by a lamp in the corner of the room, peered at Franz from the crack in the doorway.

    "Liszt, it's nine in the evening," Frédéric grumbled. A pattering of paws sounded, and a Furfrou with a purple trim - Frédéric's companion, Piano - joined the Pole at the door.

    "Frou?" the Poodle Pokémon inquired upon seeing Franz, looking curiously at the Skitty tucked under the Hungarian's arm.

    "Hello, Piano," Franz said quietly, smiling as he scratched the Furfrou behind the ears and Marie gave a tentative mew in greeting. Franz straightened up, his expression becoming serious. "Frédéric, I understand that now is not a good time. But I think I got it."

    Frédéric heaved a long sigh. "Liszt, I swear to Xerneas, if this is about my nocturne at this hour-"

    "No, no, I think I may be able to help you with that thing you're always complaining about," Franz said, giving Marie another pat on the head.

    "Go away, Franz," Frédéric muttered, though he did not shut the door. He coughed and said, "I am troubled by many things. I doubt that a single Franz Liszt, popular and bombastic as he is, may rid me of all my burdens."

    "Well, despite my talent, I doubt that too," Franz said, smiling. "Look, I'm sorry I called upon you so late, but if there really are Ghost-type Pokémon in your home, now is the best time to find them."

    "Ghost-type Pokémon?" Frédéric asked, his interest clearly piqued. The Pole opened the door a little wider so that his whole body was visible. "Why are you bringing this up?"

    "If you opened the door just a little wider to let me in, I shall tell you," Franz answered, his smile broadening. "I doubt Marie is happy about the fact that I'm still carrying her."

    "And which of your lovers did you name that Skitty after?" Frédéric asked dryly as he slowly pushed the door wide enough to let Franz into the residence.

    Franz's face flushed briefly, but he breathed a barely audible sigh of relief as he stepped into the Pole's dimly lit home and set the squirming Skitty on the ground. Frédéric closed the door behind him quickly.

    "Lovely furnishings you have here," Franz commented as Marie padded up to Piano and the two Pokémon greeted each other.

    "Franz," Frédéric grumbled, "will you please just get to the point?" He coughed. "I can't believe I let you of all people into my place at this hour."

    "You won't regret it, my friend," Franz said, finding a chair and sitting down. Frédéric pursed his lips at this action, but Franz ignored him and continued, "So I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and apparently there exist Ghost-type Pokémon that cause cause consumption, chills, depression, ill temper, all that good stuff. And I thought, 'Hmm, I have a friend who suffers from all that! Perhaps his residence is under the influence of Ghost-types.' So I did some more research into how to dispel these Pokémon, and I found out that they are active at night, and that first one must have a Pokémon use Foresight on an area to find the Ghost-types in the first place, because Ghost-types tend to be invisible. Which is why I brought Marie here, because she knows how to use Foresight! I found her near Parterre Way, and she seemed to like me."

    Frédéric stared at Franz, his eyes wide and his face slightly flushed. "To be frank, Liszt…" he murmured, glancing at the Skitty, who was now tugging at Piano's tail, "you didn't have to do that."

    "I know, I was surprised at myself too," Franz said with a chuckle. "But why don't we give it a try? I mean, if there really are Ghost-type Pokémon floating around your place and making you ill, we need to get rid of them. And if there aren't, well, I brought this Cleanse Tag to give to you." Franz pulled the paperlike object out of his pocket. "Apparently this helps keep away Ghost-type Pokémon and evil spirits. Its properties are still being researched, but hey, it's worth a shot."

    "Franz, why are you doing all this for me?" Frédéric asked, looking away as he took a seat. "I've never done anything for you. I don't do anything but complain. And staying here might make you ill as well."

    Franz opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. How was he going to answer this question?

    "I… don't know," Franz said honestly. "I'll admit that our relationship is… complicated. But if you were to die, the world would lose a brilliant musician. Even I don't want that to happen."

    The ghost of a smile played at the edges of Frédéric's lips. The Pole took the Cleanse Tag tentatively.

    "Well, Franz," Frédéric said thoughtfully, "I highly doubt that your Ghost-type Pokémon theory is correct. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to test it."

    "That's the spirit!" Franz said cheerfully. "Now hang onto that Cleanse Tag, because you don't want to get licked by a Haunter. You know what Haunter look like, right? Dark purple, with pink tongues? Yeah, apparently if they lick you you die, so-"

    "What?" Frédéric said in a voice that was as close to a shout as the frail man could muster. This exertion caused the Pole to break out into a coughing fit, and Franz watched sadly as Frédéric continued to cough.

    "I was just exaggerating," Franz said quickly as Marie and Piano hurried over to Frédéric's side in concern. "I'm sorry. Look, maybe you don't have to be here, and you can hire a professional-"

    "As if I'm going to shell out my money to anyone," Frédéric wheezed. "Alright. Since you're here, Franz, I guess there's nothing left for you to do but to test your theory, but if I die because of this, I swear to Xerneas that my spirit will haunt you for the rest of your life."

    "Hang onto that Cleanse Tag, and you'll be fine," Franz said, trying to sound more confident than he actually was. "Now, keep the lights on, so as to weaken the Ghost-type's power. Marie, use Foresight!"

    "Wait-" Frédéric said, but the Skitty was already in action, turning her head from left to right, scanning the room with a red beam that emanated from her eyes. Franz and Frédéric watched breathlessly, Frédéric clinging onto the Cleanse Tag, as a floating purple apparition slowly appeared in the room. As the Haunter dissolved into being, Franz could feel a sudden dreary chill spread across him.

    "It's true," Franz murmured, staring at the Ghost-type Pokémon that floated in the air, unblinking. "It's a Haunter. Frédéric, that's the exact kind of Ghost-type Pokémon whose mere presence causes depression and illness."

    "What I'm feeling now… it's what I've been feeling for a while now, only thousandfold," Frédéric said, visibly shuddering. "The clamminess, the cold, the depression…"

    The Haunter darted forward towards the two men, extending its pink tongue. Franz gasped, shielding Frédéric on instinct and preparing for the worst, but then Piano, with a roar, tackled the apparition to the ground. Franz and Frédéric looked up in awe as Marie sprang into action as well, and the Furfrou and the Skitty started battling the Haunter in earnest.

    "Franz, p-please stop touching me," Frédéric stammered, wincing as the Haunter punched Piano with a shadowy arm. The Furfrou was completely unaffected however as he barreled into the Ghost-type Pokémon again.

    "Really, Frédéric?" Franz chuckled, taking a step back. "You almost die and that's the first thing you say?"

    "I have been near death for a long time," Frédéric muttered, standing up weakly. "And Franz…" his eyes darted to the battle that was now raging in his living room. "Will you please do something about that… Haunter?"

    "Right," Franz said, nodding. "Marie, Piano, both of you, tackle the Haunter!"

    The Skitty and the Furfrou obeyed, attacking the apparition at the same time with solid blows. Franz and Frédéric watched with wide eyes as the Ghost-type fought back, forming a fist of blackness and aiming it at Marie. But before the attack could connect, Piano tackled the Haunter into a wall. Marie followed suit, and the Furfrou and the Skitty continued to work together, each of them attacking the Haunter before it could land any attacks of its own. Cornered, the Ghost-type groaned and fled, squeezing it form under the closed front door and vanishing from sight.

    The room was silent for a long time as Marie and Piano watched the departing apparition vigilantly. Then the two Pokémon congratulated each other, checking themselves for wounds.

    "Spierdalaj," Frédéric muttered, his eyes still trained on the closed door under which the Haunter had departed.

    "Well excuse me-" Franz started.

    "No, that was directed towards that… Haunter," Frédéric said, a small smile forming on his face. Franz smiled back. It… was nice to see Frédéric smile, if Franz was honest with himself.

    "Are you alright?" Franz asked, looking at Frédéric with concern. The Pole looked slightly better already, but Franz wanted to make sure.

    "I… don't think depression is something that dispelling a Ghost-type can fix," Frédéric said, sighing as he sat down. "But at the very least, I think that helped. I actually… kind of feel better. For now, at least."

    "Well you swore at that Haunter, and you never swear, so I believe that," Franz said, chuckling as he sat down as well. "Frédéric… I'm sorry you've had to deal with that thing for so long. No wonder you're so unhappy. I think I would be unhappy too, if I were troubled by a Haunter for that long."

    "I don't think anything can make you unhappy," Frédéric muttered, letting out a rare chuckle. He smiled shyly at his friend. "Franz… I can't stand you, but thank you."

    "You're welcome," Franz said earnestly as Marie trotted back to his side. "Hang onto that Cleanse Tag. It didn't seem to work against that Haunter, but maybe it's a preventative thing rather than a weapon."

    Frédéric nodded. "I honestly can't thank you enough, Franz," he said, quietly but confidently. "I'm not going to stroke your ego, but that was a brilliant idea."

    "'I'm not going to stroke your ego,' you say, as you stroke my ego," Franz chuckled.

    "Shut up, Franz," Frédéric said, but his tone was clearly light-hearted.

    The two men sat in silence for a while, Marie yawning as she nestled into Franz's arms. Frédéric sighed and gave a small smile.

    "I should write a piece inspired by this," he murmured, half to himself.

    "No way," Franz said, smiling broadly. "I was just thinking the same thing."

    "Well, you can compose your piece, and I can compose mine," Frédéric said, smiling back at Franz.

    "And we can see whose is better!" Franz exclaimed, standing up quickly. "Good night, Frédéric. I'm going home to start brainstorming."

    "Seriously, Liszt, it's at least ten at night," Frédéric said, rolling his eyes. "Personally, I'm going to sleep. But you do you."

    Franz reached the doorway. Then he stopped and turned around to face his friend.

    "Are you going to be alright?" Franz asked, his hand on the door handle. "Just hang onto that Cleanse Tag and let me know if you need me to help you with ghost-busting."

    "I think I can manage myself," Frédéric said, "but thanks for the offer, Franz. And… thank you. For, you know, kind of saving my life there. Don't go mentioning this to your women, though, or I'm going to rescind my thanks so hard."

    "My lips are sealed," Franz assured Frédéric as he opened the door and walked out. "Well… good night, Frédéric. Good luck with everything."

    "You too," Frédéric said as the door closed and the two men parted.

    Franz stood, staring at the closed door. He sighed, smiling as he turned towards home, already thinking about what he'd put in his composition. He already had a few ideas…

    -END-



    I think in this universe, Chopin's piece inspired by these events would be his Fantaisie-Impromptu, Op. 66, while Liszt's piece would be his Transcendental Etude S. 139 No. 8, "Wilde Jagd". I know that the timeframes of the pieces don't line up with the timeframe of this story, but hey, this is an AU anyways.

    Hope you enjoyed. Feedback is greatly appreciated!
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2018
  2. canisaries

    canisaries *blocks your path*

    Hi, I'm here from the Review Game! Almost read it already before I saw it up there, but got cold feet as I'm pretty unfamiliar with the historical figures in question. Fortunately, there actually wasn't anything I couldn't wrap my head around in this, so good job on keeping it readable to the less historically knowledgeable like me.

    Specific Comments

    Well, for a nocturne, it'd be the perfect hour, wouldn't it ;>

    There's the ghost, Franz! Get him!

    I'm not totally sure why the Haunter's attacks against the Normal-types seem useless, but it isn't so vice versa. Are the Normal-types in question here just a lot stronger?

    It's good to see that addressed. Having depression go away magically, even if magic were canon, would be pretty ehhhhhh

    General Comments

    This is a pretty character-focused oneshot and therefore puts a lot of weight on the character interaction, which I think was done well and believably. The differences between the two men are subtle but effective, and make for an interesting friendship. Establishing that in a short amount of time with mostly show instead of tell is an admirable feat. The characters' dialogue fits the setting, but doesn't feel outdated. I kind of expected them to kiss but that's probably just me jumping to conclusions based on fanfiction tropes.

    I didn't notice any typos or clunky sentences, so you seem to be clear on that front. However, a word on epithets - this doesn't trip into the pitfall of constantly making up new exotic phrases to refer to characters with, don't get me wrong - but I'd like to stress that repetition of names is totally fine. I say this as there's a lot of instances of "the Pole", which felt kind of out of place to me, as nationality isn't specifically an important theme in this oneshot. However, using a Pokémon character's species name as an epithet every now and then is totally fine by me, as that most often has relevance (e.g. for battle mechanics). Also for the Pokémon, I really like that there's a Furfrou, and Piano is a great name for it given the context.

    In terms of my enjoyment, it didn't exactly keep me glued to my seat, but at no point did it actually bore me. I take that as a sign of good pacing, as my usual attention span is downright pathetic. What you have here is a solid, short and sweet oneshot. I imagine someone with an interest in either of the starring composers and their history would like it a lot.

    I'm sorry if this is a bit of a short review... Do feel free to ask me anything more, I'll promise to respond.
     
  3. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    @canisaries Thank you for the feedback!

    Hi, thanks so much for your review! As I wrote this I actually didn't specifically try to make things accessible to readers who aren't familiar with Frédéric Chopin and Franz Liszt, so I'm glad that this one-shot was easy enough to understand for you. Frédéric Chopin is a Romantic era composer and my all-time favorite classical composer as well, and though I'm not as fond of Franz Liszt's music as I am of Chopin's I really love Chopin and Liszt's interesting real-life relationship, so I had to write something about it.

    Oh, it's because Franz asked Marie the Skitty to use Foresight. Normally Normal-types are completely immune to Ghost-type attacks, and Ghost-types are completely immune to Normal-type attacks. However, Foresight, when used on a Ghost-type Pokémon, removes its immunity to Normal- and Fighting-type attacks, allowing them to hit. In a lot of Pokémon media, using Foresight on an area also allows Ghost-types and other invisible objects in the area to appear visible. Since Marie used Foresight on the Haunter, Marie and Piano's Normal-type attacks could hit the Haunter.

    I was assuming that it was clear what Foresight did, but I should probably have included some sort of explanation about the move's resulting effect of allowing Marie and Piano to attack the Haunter.

    The issue Frédéric's depression was definitely one of the things I paid attention to when writing this. Historically Frédéric Chopin was a frail man who suffered from tuberculosis and other illnesses, which may have included depression, and I think in a Pokémon universe Frédéric being under the influence of a Haunter would've mostly amplified the problems but not caused them. I do understand that depression is a difficult subject to deal with, and that treatment is complex, so I avoided having Frédéric's condition being caused entirely by the Haunter.

    Thank you! I always struggle with show vs. tell, so I'm glad that I did well on that front in this story. As for the kissing, I actually thought about having Frédéric and Franz start a romantic relationship but decided not to because of the time period and its attitude towards same-sex relationships. I adore Chopin and Liszt's complicated relationship in real life so I wanted to keep it to a non-romantic one in-story.

    Not gonna lie, one of the reasons why I used "the Pole" is I got tired of typing out "Frédéric", with its two accented e's. XDD I guess I could've copy-pasted the name. Yeah, I agree that sticking with "Frédéric" would've worked well enough.

    Thank you! I absolutely adore Chopin and Liszt's real-life relationship, so I'm glad that I was able to bring it to life in a Pokémon AU well enough for someone without the historical context to enjoy.

    Thanks again!
     
  4. canisaries

    canisaries *blocks your path*

    Oh crap, I'm so sorry... I somehow accidentally read it as Future Sight. This explains everything, my bad ;p
     
  5. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    Hey, welcome back! It's nice to see you posting again. This is a cute fic and an interesting pokémon/real world fusion. Kind of like a crossover, I guess! I'm actually kind of surprised we don't see more cases of real-world stuff combined with pokémon; there's a lot to explore there.

    Anyway, I'm only passingly familiar with the composers portrayed here, but I didn't have any trouble following what was going on or anything like that. If anything, I'd like to have seen you do more with the fact that these are two famous composers interacting! The various references to working on music were good, and the fact that everything ends with them deciding to have a compose-off is both cute and fitting, but overall I think I could have subbed two non-composer characters in here and it wouldn't have changed a great deal. Likewise, the fact that there were pokémon didn't make a ton of difference, although it does give you an excuse for literal ghosts! Overall the "music" and "pokémon" mashup is a cool mashup, but it would have been nice to see you do a little more with either half of the crossover. Tricky in such a short piece, though, and what you have isn't bad at all!

    I think the dialogue between these two was good, though, probably the best I've seen from you yet. In the past I think you've had some trouble with characters explaining things to each other in ways that seemed out of place, but that wasn't a problem here. Their conversation flows naturally, and you do a good job of capturing that fun "audience can see something that the characters don't" effect, i.e. that they totally like each other but are in denial about it.

    On that note, it might have been nice to see a bit more prickliness in their relationship. The two of them kept going on about how much they don't like each other, but it's pretty clear that they actually do, and they never actually act antagonistic towards one another at all. I kind of would have liked to see a little more of the rivalry or whatever it is that they insist they dislike about the other characters... this is sweet and fluffy for sure, but it kind of makes it seem weird to me that both of them insist that they actually want nothing to do with each other.

    I also liked the pokémon! We didn't get a ton of them interacting, but Marie in particular was adorable and appropriately catty in how she went about things. I liked how you slipped in details like how she was messing with Piano's tail. Would read more of Franz List, composer and skitty trainer!

    Some line-by-line stuff:

    Oh, I see where this is going. XD

    The "and Marie gave a tentative mew in greeting" seems a little odd tacked on at the end, since it doesn't have anything to do with Franz, and Franz is who the entire rest of the sentence is about. I think it would work better simply as its own sentence with a period after "ears" and dropping the "and."

    I think you want, "If you open the door..."

    You want a comma before and after "however" here, since it's

    *its form, I think.

    I can see that you were using somewhat more old-fashioned phrasing and vocabulary in your dialogue here, and overall I think it works. There were other times when you lapsed into what I think comes across more as modern and sometimes teenager-y dialogue. Like here:

    The exasperated use of "look" doesn't ring true to me here.

    "All that good stuff" DEFINITELY reads modern to me.

    "Shut up" likewise.

    The use of "seriously" seems modern, and the eye-roll is *so* long-suffering teen. I don't know what age these two are supposed to be, but "typical" teenage behavior is something that I think arose fairly recently and seems out of place to me in this setting.

    Phrases that strike me as off here are "so hard," "kind of," and the interjection of "you know."

    In the end this was an enjoyable read and probably my favorite that I've read by you. This piece is all about the character interactions, and I think you did very well with them here. If you get more classical music inspirations, feel free to make this into a series! XD
     
  6. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    @Negrek Thanks so much for checking out my one-shot and reviewing!

    Yeah, I think I definitely could've expanded on both the historical classical music aspect and the Pokemon aspect of this one-shot. This piece was written quickly and without much proofreading because I had a quick burst of inspiration and was excited to get something Pokemon-related out after not writing a Pokemon one-shot in a long while. I think the hurriedness of this one-shot is at least partially responsible for a lot of its areas of improvement, so if I ever come back to edit this I'll be sure to slow down and iron the story out (this applies to other areas of writing as well).

    Hey, thanks! To be honest I didn't think too much about the dialogue and just wrote it in a way that felt natural to me. I'm glad that for the most part Frédéric and Franz's dialogue wasn't clunky, at least not in the "telling each other what they already know" department.

    Yeah, good point there. Chopin and Liszt's real-life relationship was pretty silly and open to interpretation (I was very inspired by Hark! A Vagrant's Chopin and Liszt comics), but I think it would make sense for the two of them to be more prickly towards each other, even if they do like each other in the end. I think their relationship would kind of be like the relationship between an introvert and his extravert roommate and frenemy, which of course can be a lot of things. Still, that's a good point.

    Haha, thanks! Franz would definitely have a lot of Pokémon, some of them given as gifts by his many lovers, and Frédéric would be like "How can you stand having so many Pokémon, this is another reason why you're so weird"

    Very good points about the teenager-y dialogue. Once again, I didn't put too much thought into the dialogue and just wrote what felt natural to me, which may have produced anachronism stew haha. I wasn't sure whether to have Frédéric and Franz speak in an old-fashioned way or a modern way, and I ended up having them speak in a weird mix between the two. Part of me was worried that 19th-century dialogue would feel out of place in a Pokémon setting, which may have been why I inserted modern dialogue, but I'm pretty sure that the presence of Pokémon doesn't really affect linguistics. :p I was also a little worried about 19th-century dialogue making the fic less accessible/enjoyable, but for the sake of consistency and accuracy I think 19th-century dialogue would've made more sense. Overall, looking back I think I could've made the dialogue more old-fashioned. Thanks for the advice!

    Thank you! I actually have a WIP that's similarly inspired by classical composers, and I don't know when I'll post it but I hope to take what I learned from this one and apply it to that one.

    Thanks again for your review! :)
     
  7. Starlight Aurate

    Starlight Aurate Just a fallen star

    Hello! I am here to provide you a review for the Monthly Mod Madness. I've been wanting to read something from you for a while, so I'm very excited and honored to do this! =D

    Liszt and Chopin yeeesssss

    Ahahaha I like the little play on words here =P

    tbh if I was with someone I didn't like and I was on the verge of death, I would not want them to touch me either and instead die in (relative) peace.

    I think you're missing a word here--do you mean "squeezing ITS form under..."? Or you could just say "squeezing under the closed front door..." and that would be fine.

    I decided to look up what this meant (probs not a good idea) and don't know whether I should laugh or go "ewwwww."

    I really wish it was that easy =(

    Also just a quick question: what language are they speaking? Did they go with Polish or Hungarian or something else entirely? I know it's not important, but these are things I wonder about a lot lol

    And I totally feel Franz at the end; late at night is when my brainstorming works best lol.

    All in all, I like this! I think the back-and-forth going between Liszt and Chopin is fun, and it feels natural to me. Overall, it was a short-and-sweet piece. I think that maaaaaybe you could have gone a bit further into the character development--we know that Liszt and Chopin consider each other "friends," but really don't get along, and I can only wonder as to why that is. The interarctions work fine, but I feel like the characterization/history between these two is a bit lacking.

    I understand you took their issues (ex. Chopin's depression) from real historical events, so I suppose it'd be a bit of a genius bonus for those who are in the know. And I think you did a nice little job of embellishing Chopin's issues but without changing the source of them at all.

    Anyways, I like this! It's nice to see a little adventure in someone's life, but overall having a quiet atmosphere and a scene and characters that are easy to follow. Maybe the characters and their backstories could be shown a bit more, but good job! Look forward to reading more from you =)
     
  8. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    @Starlight Aurate Ahh, thank you so much for your review! I definitely agree that Chopin and Liszt's relationship/backstory could've been expanded upon, like showing more about their history and complicated friendship. I'll definitely keep that in mind! Also, I probably should've made it clear that they were speaking French haha. In real life, Chopin and Liszt lived close to each other in Paris, and both were fluent in French.
     
  9. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner *aromatisse noise*

    When Marie started foresighting the room, my IMMEDIATE thought was LASER CAT!! So thanks, first off, for that image. Kittens with eye beams ftw.

    The two human stars here have a really enjoyable dynamic, meahwile. They could have been doing a wide variety of things, really, and it'd likely have still been a nice read. But I do like the premise that was chosen in the end. I mean, heck. How often does one get to read about 19th-century composer ghostbusters? :B
     
  10. Namohysip

    Namohysip Well-Known Member

    Aww, now this is just quaint! Okay, I went into this thinking that I would know basically nothing about what was going on because history is my worst subject, particularly names and dates. But despite that, I was able to follow along with this story without any need for knowing the history of these two and their context. I think you did a great job (even before I did a Wiki search) on these two and their situation. It's a short, short story, so it's not like you can go for any sort of grand plot, and that's just fine. I thought that for its length, I had a good sense of them both, though there wasn't much personality from the Pokemon they had with them--but that's probably just my Mystery Dungeon bias shining through.

    The one thing that had me iffy throughout was that I couldn't get a feel for how they were supposed to talk. I hear historical fiction, and I looked them up to be sure, and I had always imagined they would speak in a slightly more "sophisticated" way, yet here and there, I see some word choice in their dialogue that gave me pause. As if I wasn't quite able to envision / hear them say words or phrases in that way, when they slipped into what I perceive as more "modern" patterns.

    That aside, though, let's get to some snips...

    First reading this, I was a bit hesitant. But I went with it anyway, because it's so short. why not?

    I feel like this was a bit too vague. We already know that he's here for a purpose, and this sentence felt like a redundant reinforcement of us knowing that he as a purpose, but we don't know why. In hindsight, I don't see why it had to be kept hidden for so long.

    I thought this was a clever way to tie up the setup to get to the main conflict. There may be a ghost! Let's find it! Very simple.

    *its

    Not sure, but I believe words said explicitly in a foreign language need to be italicized, right?

    This line of dialogue was a really good way to more or less summarize their relationship. I thought it was demonstrated well for how little time they spent together in the story.

    And that's about it, really. I liked it! I grew a little attached to the pair, despite how little time was spent, so good job at conveying that sort of hot-and-cold bond they share, even giving a few historical nods like Marie's name.

    Thanks for the read!
     
  11. DeliriousAbsol

    DeliriousAbsol Call me Del

    So, one of the ways you pulled me into this story was down to my love of the Classicaloid series. I wouldn't know who your characters are based on if it weren't for that, as I knew very little about classical music prior to watching that!

    This story was a fun, small one-shot with an imaginative premise. I never imagined foresight being executed like a laser dance show! Ghost busting with pokemon!

    The characters personalities were also contrasted with their cat-dog pokemon. I was kinda expecting some hostility between the two pokemon, but their friendliness towards one another was kinda sweet.

    Given the length of the story, you already get a real sense of a back history to the two characters, and the sense they know each other is very well done. I quite liked this. If it's part of a longer piece, I might have to check it out =D
     
  12. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    @Sike Saner @Namohysip @DeliriousAbsol Thank you all for your reviews. Unfortunately I've had a rough couple of weeks, which is why I've been inactive from Serebii. I'm glad that you enjoyed the one-shot though! I'll definitely be sure to work on making dialogue more realistic in the future.
     

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