In The Footsteps Of Greatness

[Lord of Ninetales]

This is my first fanfiction and I hope you all enjoy what it is going to become. It will, for it's entirety, remain PG, due to slight violence and language. Please do not just rate it, I would like comments as well. Please note that this fanfiction is not set in Johto, Kanto, Hoenn, Orre, or any of the other known Pokémon worlds. This is a land of my own creation, although some names and places may match names and places from the known worlds. So please don't leave comments saying I placed a mountain in the wrong place or anything.

If someone could tell me whether or not I should post chapters in seperate posts or group them all into the first post, I would be very appreciative. Also, is double posting of chapters allowed? I didn't see anything against it in the fanfiction rules, but I do believe it is in the main rules. Thank you, everyone who reads this. ;038;

Chapter One - The Magikarp And Malice​

The park was crowded as it always was. The summer heat prodded the locals to relax and cool down in the ponds that littered the park grounds. Ten year old Malice's favorite part about the park was the playground. The first swing from the right, his swing, was occupied when he arrived, much to his dismay. For a moment, he thought about crying, but then remembered that he was a big boy now. Brushing a lock of black hair away from his face, he turned away from the swing. Instead, he decided to sit by the nearest pond and wait for the swinger to leave, then run and claim his rightful place.

The pond was calm, and Malice could see his reflection as sharp as if he were staring into a new mirror. He frowned as he fumbled to keep his black hair seperate from his white hair. He sat by the waters edge, nonchalantly tossing tiny pebbles into the water and counting how many times the water rippled. Occasionally, a Goldeen or Poliwag poked its head out of the water to stare curiously at him before diving back into the shallow waters. As Malice sat and swirled some water around with his finger, a small group of boys a little bit older than him tugged a thin line out of the water.

"Hey Matthew, look at that. You caught a pathetic little Magikarp." One of the boys playfully punched his friend in the arm. The boy holding the line, Matthew, frowned.

"Figures. There's never anything good in these stupid ponds." He tugged forcefully on the line and pulled the Magikarp completely out of the pond. "Stupid fish!" he shouted and kicked the orange fish back into the pond. His two friends laughed as he grabbed hold of the line and pulled the flailing Magikarp back towards the shore.

"Kick it again!" the third boy shouted. He grabbed the line as well and began to reel the struggling fish closer. When the Magikarp was once again out of the water and gasping for air, he kicked it as hard as he could. Malice could take no more.

"Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!" He ran towards the boys, his arms waving wildly and his eyes full of anger. Before they could react, he shoved Matthew into the other two and the three of them fell into the pond. Glaring at the three older boys, Malice reached down and picked up the fallen line. He slowly pulled the line and brought the Magikarp back to shore.

Matthew and his friends were out of the water quickly, but rather than shove back, they simply laughed at Malice.
"Sure thing, we'll let the baby play with the fish. A pathetic Pokémon for a pathetic little kid." With glaring faces, the three boys walked away and left Malice alone to pull in the weak fish. After a few minutes, the fish was resting close to Malice, in the shallowest part of the pond. Malice knelt down in the water and ran his hands up and down the fish's back, petting it gently. Looking around, Malice spied a few pieces of bread under a nearby bench. A lady on the bench was feeding a flock of Pidgey and dropped a few slices when she tried to touch one of the small brown birds.

With the bread safe in hand, Malice began to break off tiny pieces and feed them to the injured Pokémon. As the three foot fish was only a foot smaller than he was, Malice found it slightly difficult to hold the fish, but he tried nonetheless. With moments, the hungry fish had greedily gobbled down the bread and was swimming excitedly near Malice.

"Malice! Malice, sweetie!" A woman's voice called out for him from near the swingset. "Malice, where are you? It is time to go home." Malice looked down at his new friend.

"I have to go now, but I can come back tomorrow to play with you." He stood up and frowned. "But how to distinguish you from any other Magikarp in this pond." He looked around for a marker, a scarf, anything he could find. He spied another Magikarp not far away and noticed that it's scales were a much darker orange than his Magikarp. "So your a different color? That's how I will find you." With one last pat on the Magikarp's head, Malice turned and ran to his mother.

Malice quickly ate his dinner then ran upstairs to his room. Closing the door behind him, Malice leapt onto his bed and pulled the covers up over his head, eagerly wanting to fall asleep not only to pass the time until the next day, but to dream about his new friend.

Morning couldn't come soon enough, but when it finally came, Malice was dressed and ready to go play with his friend all day. When his mother called him for breakfast, he bounded down the stairs and hurriedly wolfed down his pancakes.

"Slow down Malice, before you choke," she demanded, trying to grab the fork out of his hand. Malice smiled as he reached for more pancakes.

"Sorry Mother, but I can't wait to go to the park to play. I made a new friend yesterday, and I can't way to see him." His mother beamed.

"A new friend? Why, that's wonderful news. You can invite him over for lunch if you like." Malice nearly choked on the half pancake that was in his mouth.

"Oh no, Mother. Not like that. My new friend is a Pokémon." He grabbed a few slices of bread and ran out the door. His mother stood in the doorway watching him run off towards the park.

"Just like his brother," she said with a glance towards Mount Silver.

The swing that Malice had claimed as his own was empty, but he didn't care. Instead, he ran straight to the side of the pond and looked around for his Magikarp. He knelt in the same spot he was in the day before and tossed a small piece of bread into the water near his knee. A Goldeen swam by and tried to nip at the soggy bread, but Malice shooed her away.

He waited for maybe five minutes before dropping another piece of bread into the water. This time, the Magikarp was the first to arrive. Malice let out a happy giggle and hugged the large fish. Stripping off his clothes, he dove into the pond and swam and played with the Magikarp all day.

For the next five days, Malice and the Magikarp played. The two grew very close and shared a strong bond. When Malice came home on the sixth day after meeting the Magikarp, his mother was waiting for him with a wrapped gift.

"Malice, sweetie. I think you have been spending too much time with that Magikarp at the park." Malice burst into tears.

"But Mother, he's my best friend in the whole wide world. You can't just take him away from me!" Malice's mother couldn't help but smile.

"You didn't let me finish." She placed that box into his hands. "Open it," she beckoned. Malice tore the paper apart, revealing a small brown box. Upon opening that, Malice withdrew a small red and white ball.

"Oh Mother! A Poké Ball!" He threw his arms around his mother in a tight embrance, his silver eyes filling with tears of joy. His mother laughed.

"Now you can spend as much time as you want with it here at home." Malice bounced up and down.

"First thing tomorrow, I am going to capture him."

 

[Elite Trainer Daniel]

I like this stroy it flows nicely and the discription is fantasticly done aswell.

 

[TOY MACHINE]

great flow to the story, written well, and could be longer. Ill definatly read more chapters.

 

[katiekitten]

This is very good for a first fic, well done! To answer your earlier questions, it is better to post chapters separtely and it is not against the rules to double post chapters. Just comments.

On to the review...

Description: Good, not to much, not to little. Could maybe use a little more in places, such as what the charater looks like, and what the mother looks like. But beware not to list things, that is a common error. Try and describe it through actions, such as: He raised his hand to brush a few loose strands of his wavy brown hair out of his eyes, round face crinkling in annoyance as this frequently occured. Ok, that example is rubbish, but you get my point. (I'm not saying that you do list things, just giving you advice)

When he pushes the boys into a pool, I would have thought that they, being older and out numbering him, would have fought him. I just thought it was a bit odd how they decided against it, for as they didn't have any problems hurting a magikarp, they would let a younger kid tell them what to do. Just a thought.

The story line is good, I can see the beginnings of a good plot here. Just try not to make it into an average journey fic, we see way to many of those. Length is good, not to long, but short enough that you didn't fall asleep through boredom.

Like I said before, this is a very good beginning to your first fanfiction. Well done!

 

[Kiyohime]

Is the Magikarp shiny? You describe the other Magikarp as being darker orange than it. That's something that a lot of beginners seem to do, make their main character special by having a shiny Pokemon. Nonetheless, it's your first story, and if people are enjoying it, that's wonderful. However, I'd like to caution you about making Malice (neat name, btw) into a Gary-Stu, a impossibly perfect character who gets all the best Pokemon and wins all his battles. XP

I was a little confused at one point with your description; you say Malice had white and black hair. Is one side totally white and the other itterly black, or is it a mix of stripes all over? Or a skunk stripe?

 

[Lord of Ninetales]

Elite Trainer Daniel - Thank you very much.

Toy Machine - I didn't want to make the first chapter too long just in case it wasn't well received.

katiekitten - I left out desciprtions of his mother because she won't be appearing again after the first few paragraphs of the next chapter. Also, I plan to reveal more of what Malice looks like as the story progress, through events that happen and such. Too many adjectives for description is overdone, as it makes writers seem as though they can't really do anything else. Regarding the boys picking on the Magikarp, it was because they were bored. They didn't want to beat up a younger child, especially not one who could fight back. The story will, eventually, be about Malice trying to prove himself to his brother, Nefarious.

Scrap - No, the Magikarp is not shiny, it was a different color because it was ill. And yes, his hair is a skunk stripe, and he doesn't like it when the black sides mix with the white in the middle. I took that from my own hair. ^-^
'
Thank you to all of you who commented. I hope to have the second chapter up before the end of tonight. ;038;

 

[Kiyohime]

NOT SHINY?! I LOVE YOU NOW! THANK YOU THANK YOU. D:

Your hair is a skunk stripe? o.o Really? Born like that, or did you dye it?

 

[Lord of Ninetales]

I was born that way. I was also born with light purple eyes. I was teased a lot for it too. And your welcome for it not being shiny. I think. ;038;

 

[Saffire Persian]

Didn't know anyone could have light purple eyes.

Overall, the story was pretty good - though you did miss a few grammar rules. Such as you always have a comma before a name of the person in thought or dialogue when the character is directly addressing the person. I.e. "Hi, Mom."

Indirect addressing doesn't. (That's when someone is talking to someone about somebody else). I.e. "Did you hear what happened to David?"

Yes, I'm making up sentences.

The character development isn't bad, I can see personalities from the characters. Like Scrap said, keep away from making your character a Gary -stu. However, you could have spent more time describing Malice's doings with the Magikarp that helped build the supposed relationship that happens to be developing.

0_o.. I wonder what went on in Mother's head when she named her kid Malice...

 

[Lord of Ninetales]

Saffire Persian - Thank you for your comments and criticism. However, I fear that I could not find any grammar rules regarding your statement about direct addressing in dialogue. I will, however, try to do it in the future.

No update tonight, I am not feeling the inspiration to write. Hopefully, I will be able to continue it tomorrow.

 

[Chaos Absol]

Pretty good.

It has an ok first chapter.But, as stated before, needs more description.I kinda hope it will be a journey type fic because I like them for there length, they dont just end after say 9 chapters usually.Where will he keep the magikarp if it doesn't have a water tank and Malice wants to play with it?

Also remember to give the pokemon a personality, dont just make it like a machine of fighting that cant feel pain or anything.

What is the name of the continent?What does it look like?There is lots missed but will hopefully be filled in for in the next few chapters.

 

[The True Champion]

The flow is great like everyone else said and it is a great first paragraph you can really start to the personality malice has. Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Lord of Ninetales]

After more than two months absence, I have finally updated this fic. I am sorry for the delay, and I hope you enjoy it. ;038;

Changes - I've altered Malice's age to ten instead of seven and made him slightly more mature. I'm not very ept at writing child characters.

Chapter Two - A Surprise Visitor​

The night seemed far too long for Malice as he lay awake in his bed. Thoughts of his friend swirled around inside his young mind, torturing him with the agony of anxiety. The more he though about the Magikarp, the more impatient he became. He drifted off to sleep once or twice, only to awaken moments later. Knowing he would not find sleep if he kept thinking about the next's days events, Malice got up from his bed and went over to his desk. Turning on the small lamp, he sat down in his chair and opened one of the drawers. After rummaging around in the drawers for several minutes, Malice at last found what he was looking for.

He carefully opened the pages of his brother's journal, not wanting to bend the pages. Malice always loved reading the stories and adventures his brother endured before he became the Champion. He removed the bookmark and began reading where he had left off.

"...was angry and vicious, nothing like the gentle creature it should have been. No, this Pokémon was a fighter. Bred for battle and beaten into obedience, the wretched thing I saw before me was to be pitied. As I stared across the arena, the trainer laughed coldly, prodding me into attacking his slave. For that was what this Pokémon was, a slave instead of a friend. Every fiber of my being fought against me, telling me that I couldn't do it, but that I had to. Knowing that there was no easy way out, I brought forth my own Raichu, hoping that it could somehow reach into the heart of its adversary. I had to try, even if it was in vain. The two stared each other down for what seemed like hours, until finally, the dark Raichu struck, unleasing one of the most powerful Thunderbolt's I have ever witnessed. The sharp bursts of electricity tore through the concrete and the steel, ripping the floor beneath our feet apart. The challenge was issued, and I had no choice but to finish this once and fo..."

Before he realized it, Malice fell fast asleep. He dreamt, as we all do, but his dreams were easy and peaceful. Somehow, reading his brother's words clamed him, brought him to a place of love and harmony, and showed him what it truly meant to be a Pokémon Master.

Malice woke to find himself back in his bed, with an Ekans coiled up on his blankets. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the nearby clock. It was much earlier than he felt it was, only about eight in the morning. It slowly dawned on him that there shouldn't be an Ekans sleeping on his blanket. Not wanting to agitate or awaken the sleeping serpent, Malice carefully pulled his legs from under the long, purple snake and silently dropped them to the floor. Gently moving the covers so he could get up, Malice stood up and kept his eyes on the snake. Lazily, the Ekans opened its eyes and lifted its head. It hissed a greeting and went back to sleep.

Malice, more curious than scared, went downstairs for breakfast. As he neared the kitchen, he heard his mother speaking to someone. He peeked out from around the corner and saw a young man with long white hair sitting at the table with his back to Malice. Dressed completely in black, with a long sleeveless trenchcoat and big boots, the man exuded an aura wisdom and strength. Malice instantly recognized the man.

"Nephy!" He ran into the kitchen and leapt onto his brother, knocking his off the chair. They both landed on the floor, laughing loudly. Malice hugged his brother tightly as tears began to well up in his eyes.

"Hello to you, too, Mouse," Nefarious replied, hugging his brother equally as tight. Lifting Malice off the ground with him, Nefarious managed to get back into his chair. For the first time, Malice noticed the unfamiliar girl sitting across from his brother. She was wiping her eyes with a napkin and giggling at the sight of Malice's greeting. Nefarious noticed the curiousity in his younger brother's eyes and smiled. "This is Serenity. Serenity, meet my brother Malice."

"Very pleased to be you, Malice," she said, extending her hand to Malice. Malice took it in his and shook it excitedly. The girl giggled again and withdrew her hand. Malice took a minute to study her.

Serenity kept her purple hair neat, with two ponytails on either side and her bangs long in front of her ears. She had very deep lavender eyes and soft white skin. She was dressed very differently than Nefarious was, with a short black skirt and a tight white tee. Her black boots came up to the middle of her thighs and she wore gloves that rose all the way to her shoulder.

"Serenity is going to be the new Gym Leader here. Greatwood is finally large enough to have a Gym," Nefarious told Malice, keeping an eye on the stove. Malice smiled.

"That's awesome. And it reminds me, I befriended a Magikarp almost a week ago, and Mother bought me a Poké Ball so I can go capture it. I was planning on going today, would you like to come?" He said it rather fast, and had to repeat it more than once. Nefarious nodded.

"Sure, I would love to. It's not every day your little brother becomes a Pokémon trainer, now is it?" Serenity met his gaze and it seemed to Malice as if though the two were sharing some sort of private joke. He would have to ask them about it later.

"Okay, let me go get ready." Without letting anyone protest, Malice jumped to the floor and bounded up the stairs.

"Cute kid," Serenity commented, taking a sip of her orange juice. Nefarious shrugged. "You know your glad to be home," she said. "Admit it, the last few years alone on Mount Silver have bored you. Now that you are home, you have a purpose again." Nefarious shrugged again and stood up. He walked over to the stove and flipped the French Toast over.

"Yes, I am happy to be home. However, I've been away from people for too long. It just feels weird to be where I should belong again. No matter where I go, people know who I am. It's just a weird feeling being known for who you are, not for being the Champion." He sighed and sprinkled some pepper into the egg batter as his mother walked in the door.

"I've got milk and more bread for you Nefarious, along with an order that came in for you. Oh, and Professor Pine says hello. She would like you to come by her lab and visit if you get a chance." She put her bags down onto the table and straightened her blouse.

"Thank you, Mother," Nefarious said, kissing her on the cheek. He took the milk out of the bag and poured a few drops into the pan.

"Is Malice awake yet?" Nefarious nodded.

"He woke up about twenty minutes ago. He's getting dressed and ready to go out. We are going to go and get his Magikarp after breakfast." He opened the fridge and put the milk away. "Ah, perfect," he said as he placed the finished French Toast onto plates. He set them down on the table and poured Serenity some more juice. "Mouse! Come and get your breakfast."

"I'm almost ready," Malice shouted back. A few moments later he bounded down the stairs and sat at the table, slicing his French Toast into manageable strips.

"So, Serenity," Malice tried to make conversation with is mouth full, "what sort of Pokémon do you use?" He speared another piece of bread with his fork and poured syrup onto it. Serenity gently dabbed some syrup away from the corners of her mouth before answering.

"I primarily user Dark-type Pokémon, but I do have a few Fire-types admist my collection. My favorite is my Houndoom, and it is also the first Pokémon I captured."

"You must be very skilled to have become a Gym Leader," he commented. Serenity smiled.

"I met your brother while training in Hawthorn last year. He taught me some better strategies and helped me cover some weaknesses. It's really him that should be getting the credit."

"Nonsense," Nefarious said, "you have taken what I taught you and gone beyond what most trainers know and do. You have earned this, you should be proud." Serenity blused and hid her red cheeks behind her toast. Malice giggled.

"So, Nephy, how long are you staying?" His mother glanced over at him as she chewed her food. Nefarious shook his head.

"Not to long, I think. I'm just here to get Serenity set up and then I need to get back to Hawthorne before the Tournament starts. One of my tasks as Champion is to give the welcoming speech." He muttered something under his breath that sounded to Malice a lot like "damn speeches." Malice finished his toast and looked at Nefarious.

"Ready to go?" He asked impatiently. Nefarious smiled.

"You bet, let's go." He and Malice headed towards the door. "We'll be back in a little bit, bye girls." The two brother's headed out and made their way towards the park, leaving Serenity and their mother to talk.

 

[Saya]

Wow, this is pretty good for a first fanfiction. I can tell you, my first fanfiction was ten times worse than this. I congratulate you. *nods*

Hmmm...interesting idea you've got going here. I like the befriending the Magikarp bit, though Malice seems slightly younger than ten with the way he acts. I dunno, maybe that's just me. Oh, and one thing, How old is Nephy? He has white hair so it would be a little awkward if he was really old and his brother was ten. Does he have white hair naturally or did it turn white young from all that stress of being champion? Just wondering.

And is there a reason his name is Malice? It sounds a little forboding to me, but I bet it'll have something to do with your story in future chapters. I maybe wrong, but meh.

The technical aspects of your fic were amazing, especially for a first timer. The description was perfect, just the level I like it, and though your chapters are a little short I find them perfect for my somewhat short attention span. >_< I only caught a few typos and comma misuses and/or deletions so nothing major.

Overall, I found the fanfiction to be very intriguing and I hope to see more of it in the future!

Keep up the great writing!

~Saya~

 

[Lord of Ninetales]

Nefarious is twenty-three. His hair is a foreshadowing technique. White hair usually symbolizes either wisdom or evil... You'll need to wait and see which of those Nefarious is.

As for Malice's age. He was originally seven, but I felt I made him seem older than that in the second chapter. I'm not good with young kids, so until I can get into a good grove with how he would act at about age eight, he'll be listed as ten.

As for their names, I use either Malice or Drake for the name of the main character is everything I write or do. I don't know why, I just do. Artistic quirk I suppose.

 

[Saya]

As for their names, I use either Malice or Drake for the name of the main character is everything I write or do. I don't know why, I just do. Artistic quirk I suppose.

lol That's pretty cool. I used Drake as one of the reappearing characters in my fic LTHTH. I've always thought that was a pretty cool name.