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Because if the sentence ends in between then you know that the speaker is changing. If it ends with a comma, then the speaker is constant. I'll watch out for changes with commas though. : D
Also, Cilan appears about 17-22 in the Anime, but I've thought of him as a 50 year-old or so; just a guy. Not very young at all. William is about 40, and Black is about 12, so William adventured at about 10, when Cilan was 20. XD In other words, you could basically say that William adventured when Cilan was as young as the anime.
But then the link in between won't be a period, it will be a comma. I understand what you mean, and though it is technically correct, I see how it's visually confusing. I'll do it less often. Thanks! Also, the next chapter is near done!
“I doubt that.” I said. I recalled our previous battles. Charmander was tired after one attack on Luxray, and then he didn’t have so much fun with that weird Drayden impersonator. Drayden himself put a lot of damage on Charmander. Whenever we battled… Well, he didn’t lose, it’s just that he barely won. Or was switched.
“Well, I mean, I guess, but we’ve only had a few battles. He couldn’t hate me that much.” I said.
“He could. This Charmander isn’t friendly, and it’s not that you haven’t been trying, it’s just the fact that Charmander is sensitive.” Cilan replied. His bright green hair had strands of dark-grey on them. He must be pretty old if he were my dad’s first battle.
“I suppose. So what now? I just have a Charmander that doesn’t like me? That’s good news.” I said.
“No, no. Of course not. I recommend taking it light with him. Battle some weak Pokemon, and make him feel good by winning easy battles.
“Doesn’t sound like much fun…” I mumbled. “Pokemon are not a thing. They’re alive. They have feelings. They relate with you, and grow with you. They aren’t always fun, but neither are you. Am I right?” he said.
Well, he wasn’t wrong. “Good point. I’ll go train with him.” I said.
I walked outside, and found a group of battlers, fighting another trainer. It looked like each side had three Pokemon in the battle.
“Pidgeotto, use Wing attack!” said a girl about the age of 11. She had short red hair, and deep blue eyes. She was on a team of her own. “And Vileplume, use Mega Drain!” she continued. “And you, Snover, use Ice Shard!”
Her three Pokemon attacked quickly. It seemed they dealt a bit of damage, but the group of trainers’ Pokemon, were unfazed.
“You’re strong!” said one boy in the group, with brown hair that reached just above his ears, and grayish eyes. “And you’re Pokemon are in sync!” Said the next, whose hair was dark brown, and blue eyes. “And you are smart with attacks!” said the last boy, who had hair that was blackish-brown and blueish-green eyes. The first and the last appeared to be brothers. Then they shouted this simultaneously, “But we will win this battle!”
The first boy told his Slowpoke to use Water Pulse. This attack KOed her Pidgeotto. The second boy told his Growlithe to Flame Burst. It KOed the girl’s Snover. The last boy had a strange Pokemon I’d never seen before… It had a green hood with points coming off of it. It had brown skin and a large orange-green tail. He called it Chespin, and it used the attack Energy Ball. That KOed her Vileplume.
“Aahhh!” she said in exclamation.
“We win! Great job Liam and Liam!” one boy said. Apparently the first and second boys’ names were both Liam. “You too, Conor!” said the second boy.
I walked over. “Hey, do you guys want to battle? I’d love to see your Pokemon, and this one. Chespin, is his name?”
Conor responded. “Yep! That’s a foreign Pokemon, Chespin. And this is my brother, Liam. You can call him L.J. though. And this is our best friend, Liam.” They both waved.
“So, you said you wanted to battle?” said L.J.
“Yeah, sounds great!”
We positioned ourselves about a hundred yards away, giving room for the battle.
“I choose you, Altaria! Darumaka! Charmander!” I said. They used the same Pokemon. I was ready though. I thought this would be a challenge, but I still had an objective. Not only to win, but to make Chamrnader feel good.
“Charmander, ride on top of Altaria! And Darumaka, use Fire Punch on Chespin to guard Altaria while she waits!” I said. Darumaka did its attack, while Charmander hopped onto Altaria, and Altaria ascended.
But, something was wrong. “Chespin!” said Conor, “use Sucker Punch on Darumaka!”
“Darumaka, don’t attack!” I told him. I’m not that stupid. Darumaka just stood there. Chespin passed by him without any effect. “Charmander, go for a Fire Blast on him!” I said. Charmander puffed up his cheeks, but on exhale, smoke came out. “Hmm…” I said. He must only be able to do that attack in Professor Juniper’s presence. Look like that move is a bust. By this time, Chespin was ready to defend again.
“Growlithe, Fire Fang on Darumaka!” Liam said. “Slowpoke, use Water Pulse on Altaria and Charmander!” L.J. commanded. Fire Fang hit, but Water Pulse missed. They couldn’t touch Altaria’s speed.
“Altaria, use Dragon Breath on Slowpoke! Charmander, Ember on Chespin!”
They attacked several times, in short bursts. Similar to that of a cannon. Ember hit, but didn’t do much. Thankfully, it left a burn. Slowpoke was taking a lot of damage, on the other hand.
I took the opening. “Darumaka, use Rollout on Slowpoke! And Charmander, direct your attention to Darumaka, and use Smokescreen!”
Charmander covered the field with smoke. “Darumaka, jump up and grab Charmander’s hand! Altaria, use Dragon Breath on each of them!”
Darumaka jumped away from the separated Pokemon in the field of smoke. They couldn’t see, and neither could their trainers. Meanwhile, Altaria was sniping them from above, scoring a direct hit on each. Slowpoke seemed very weak now.
“Slowpoke, use Scald!” said L.J., clearly denying how weak it was. Slowpoke disobeyed, and sat down.
“Charmander, finish with Scratch!” he looked nervously off of the side of Altaria. He pulled up Darumaka, and used the opposite force to zoom down at Slowpoke. He spun once, and slashed in a circle. It reminded me of my favorite video game, The Legend of Zelda. Link, the main character, can use a spin attack that’s really strong. Slowpoke, was hurt badly, and rolled on to his side. “Charmander, again!” I said. He scratched Slowpoke once again to score a KO.
“Dang! Well, it’s up to you two. I’m down for the count.” Said L.J.
“Not a problem!” said Conor. “We’ve got this covered!” said Liam.
“Use Flame Burst on Charmander, now Growlithe!” Said Liam. Charmander was buffeted with a series of embers.
“Altaria, use Dragon Breath right next to Charmander!” I said. She followed as I said, and a crater was created right next to Charmander. The edges of it shot Charmander into the air. “Charmander, use scratch on Chespin!” I said.
He did the same spin as last time, and the same circle attack. “Chespin, use Sucker Punch!” Conor said. Not good.
“Aah! No! Charmander, stop!” I said. He kept at it. Chespin wound up his fist, and sky-rocketed at Charmander. They slid right past each other, and they hit the ground at the same time. The smokescreen was clearing up, and Charmander was fine. He looked better than before, actually. Chespin, on the other hand, landed in Altaria’s rocky crater. I guessed I was going to win this thing.
Supp. This is Chapter, and I hope you enjoyed this most recent chapter, "Charming the Charmander." I am just notifying readers, that I am creating a PM list. Post below and copy into it this: I would like to be on the PM list! Thank you, and read on! ;006;
Charmander looked up, and though he didn’t have a scratch on his body, he was actually pretty beaten up. Scratches covered his left arm, and a long slash bled on his right arm. His fire was dim. “Chespin!” Conor yelled. “Use Close Combat!” he said.
Chespin rocketed at Charmander, and stopped right before him, his body’s momentum keeping him in the air. He pummeled Charmander. Fist, knee, elbow, head, palm, fist, foot.
“Darumaka, Fire Punch!” I said. He dropped off of Altaria as well. Landing near Chespin, he dug a fiery hand into Chespin’s side.
I didn’t realize before, but I noticed a small crowd formed around us. Houses nearby seemed empty; lights out, and doors shut. I guess most people were watching.
“Growlithe, use your Ember.” said Liam.
His Growlithe shot fire directly into the sky. I was confused at first, but I looked up and saw Altaria floating above Growlithe.
“Altaria! Dodge, and use Pluck!” she didn’t dodge soon enough, and Pluck’s timing was off. When she dove for Growlithe, he bit her.
“No! Charmander, use…” I started. Charmander and Darumaka were on Chespin’s Close Combat, while Altaria was being bit by Growlithe. “Charmander, Sunny Day!” I said. Charmander’s fire seemed to reignite, as the sunlight strengthened in the area around us. Charmander seemed to be reinvigorated. I knew that would be temporary, though.
“Charmander, Ember!” I said. He set Chespin on fire, and it retreated to a spot by Altaria and Growlithe.
“You will not defeat us!” said Liam. “We are the famous trio, Conor, Liam, and Liam!” he said. “We are the best triple Battlers in the world” he explained. They were pretty good. “Now feel the wraith! Chespin, Solarbeam!” said Conor.
No! In the sunny weather, Solarbeam would be super powerful, and wouldn’t have to be charged! Chespin’s green hood glowed yellow. Upon opening his mouth, a heated energy exploded on Altaria. Growlithe was no longer biting her. Because she fainted.
“Good job Altaria. Return.” I said.
“Now Growlithe, use Flamethrower!” said Liam.
“Daruamka, counter with Rollout!”
He formed a thin layer of rock, and ran right into the fire. He was mostly unaffected in his covering. He hit Growlithe, and seemed to do a bit of damage.
“Charmander and Darumaka, Ember!” I shouted.
“Chespin, use Sucker Punch!” said Conor. Liam continued,” Growlithe, Crunch!”
The Pokemon prepared to attack, but before they could, that same girl walked in between the Pokemon.
“Stop!” she said. Conor looked annoyed. “What, Eva?” he said, exasperated at her interruption. “Just wanted to tell everyone,” she said,” that I have Pokemon that could beat any of these guys easily!” she said.
“But, I thought that they beat you just a few minutes ago…” I said. A blush covered her entire face. “Yeah, but-” she said. “Ugh! Whatever! I’m leaving!”she stomped off with that. “What was that?” I asked them.
“She’s a friend. We have to call off the battle and go see what’s up with her.” Said L.J.
“But… Wha- Why?” I said. “We just have to go. Sorry!” said Conor. They returne their Pokemon and ran off in her direction. I followed. I heard the crowd’s footsteps; they dissipated as we left.
Eva was near the edge of time with her friends when I approached. “Sometimes I want to battle in Triple Battles with you guys too…” she said to them. She was crying, and her words were muffled by sniffling. “Snov, Snover Sno Snov!” said her Pokemon, Snover. It seemed he was trying to comfort her. “Yeah, I guess.” She looked up at it. Her eye caught me, too though.
“What!? Why is he here! You guys embarrassed me again! You too!” she exclaimed, and pointed at me. “Wait, what? I just wanted to see if you were-“
“No! N-O! You can just leave!” she said. I walked away. I wondered what was wrong with her. I went back to the Pokemon Center to see if Cilan was still there.
When I got there, he was not. I healed my Pokemon, and sat down for dinner. I took a bench seat near the window for my pasta in sauce. I looked out the window. People walked by, and lights turned on as they sky darkened. Kids were called inside by parents, and stores closed.I watched a group of boys trying to manage a game of Box-Ball with three players.
Something caught my eye though. A man walked right by them, and entered the woods. He passed a tree, but didn't come out on the other side of it. I walked outside and examined the tree. It seemed normal. I pushed on the bark to find that the bark pushed inward to reveal a metal inside that covered the entire tree; the same metal that was sliding past me as I fell underground, threw the pipe under the tree.
The cold metal pressed on the back of my green and black jacket. Screws and panels of iron covered the circular slide-like pipe. I continued down it, until it opened into a large room with padding on the floor. The padding was soft, and a dull yellow color, with rips covered it. The walls were dark gray. It appeared they were made out of cracked cement. Bug Pokemon hid in corners; Spinarak and and Dustox, mostly.
I found two doors in the room. One was metal, and locked. The other was a thin wooden door. I entered the wooden doorway to find a long corridor that even the shyest Metapod could have made an echo in. The walls seemed the same, and the floors matched the cement walls. Doors lined the hallway.
I opened one to my immediate right, and found bunk beds, one on each side of the room. On the right side of the room, someone was resting on the top bunk.
I closed the door, and entered another room.
This door that was behind me, on the left wall, contained a small room. Pokemon were kept in cages. Some were installed in the walls, but some were kept like Poochyenas in small cages with handles on top.
The man I saw enter this place was talking to a woman. Both people were wearing the same, silver clothes with a large, “P,” on the center. Chainlink was on the man’s sleeves, and on the woman’s skirt.
The woman had stockings, and black shoes. A turtle-neck like collar reached her face, and covered her mouth. She also had a grey beret covering some of her hair.
The man had pants, and white shoes. He had a hood that hung from his shirt’s collar. Both people were dressed similarly to the man I had met next to Drayden’s gym.
I opened the door further, and the woman, who was facing the door, noticed me. I knew I wasn’t wanted there, because both quickly drew Pokeballs. The man signaled an alarm.
Before taking three steps back, I was hit over the back of the head with something heavy.
I felt my knees buckle, and my eyes close. Everything was black.
When I awoke, I was in a cell that looked similar to every other room. Cement floors, cement ceiling, cement floor. My vision was blurred, but I could make out two figures standing before me. I felt my belt for my Pokemon.
They were gone. Of course.
I checked my watch. A few hours had passed. I shook my head, and reoriented myself. The people standing before me were familiar…
One was the man from earlier.
The other… had short red hair, and deep blue eyes. She also wore a beret, but had no collar covering her face. She looked about the age of eighteen.
Eva.
Her boots and new clothes made her look older. I hoped this was all just… a big misunderstanding. Or, better yet, that White was on his way.
“Well well well… If it isn’t you little runt. Found this place, didn’t we.”
“I’m not leaving without my Pokemon.” I replied.
“Whoever said your Pokemon are even still alive…”
“He did,” I said. I pointed at the man beside her. He didn’t really tell me.
“You told him that they were alive!? Why!?” she said.
“He didn’t,” I interrupted, “You did. Right now.”
She gave me a glare. “Nice, smart… Good. I like you. What do you say you join us? Join Team Plasma!” she exclaimed.
“Uhh, no thanks. I’m good.”
“Then say goodbye to your Pokemon. I think this one should go first…” she said. Altaria was held in her hand. The red top revealed the inside, and showed Altaria resting in an environment simulated to her thought of perfection.
“No!” I gasped. She tossed the orb into a metal crate.
“Are you joining us, then?” she asked.
“Yes… I’ll join you.” I said.
I was taken to a room with a series of similar outfits and had me choose one. I was told to change, and dress into it. I did as they said, and then they returned my Pokeballs to me. They held my Pokemon. Altaria was now awake, but had a scared look on her face.
They gave me simple jobs and tasks to complete. Or, more like, to fail. I did all of the jobs wrong, saying I didn’t understand any of them. Soon, they just put me back in the cell.
With my Pokemon back in my possesion, I began to divise my escape plan.
I want to say that the latest chapter seems a little interesting, especially with your main character's plan to join Team Plasma and then think of a way to escape. However that part *could* be done better.
“Then say goodbye to your Pokemon. I think this one should go first…” she said. Altaria was held in her hand. The red top revealed the inside, and showed Altaria resting in an environment simulated to her thought of perfection.
“No!” I gasped. She tossed the orb into a metal crate.
When I think of a trainer seeing their Pokemon being taken away in front of them, I'd think they'd be... emotional. But that's just me. I think for the last line, I'd go for something like "Yes... I'll join you," I sighed. They just sound less... stoic that way.
But I am anxious on how your character is going to escape or is she going to stay on the team for good.
The walls were dark gray. It appeared they were made out of cracked cement.
You but "and" twice. Also I think spinarak and dustox can also be used to describe multiples as well as singles. That's what I've been told when I used "pidgeys".
I found two doors in the room. One was metal, and locked. The other was a thin wooden door. I entered the wooden door
Maybe I'd go with something like "once was metal and when I tried to open it, I realized that it was locked. The other was a thin wooden door. When I pushed on it, it opened...."
Also, you can't really enter a *door* persay. Well... maybe you can. Yeah I'd keep that part. ;}
I guessed I wasn’t wanted there, because both quickly drew Pokeballs.
I would show this character realizing that his or her Pokemon were gone. Like for example: "I felt my belt for my Pokemon. however when I did, I couldn't find my Pokeballs. That only meant that they were gone."
With dialogue, when the character isn't shouting, exclaiming or asking a question, you're supposed to put a comma between that the character says, and where you say ___ said. Example: "He didn't," I interrupted, You did. Right now." or a better one would be "I'm not leaving without my Pokemon," I replied.
That way, it becomes part of the sentence instead of a fragment. Of course, if the character is screaming or asking a question, then that doesn't apply.
“Whoever said your Pokemon your Pokemon are even still alive…”
I feel like I'm nitpicking and I feel bad since I read the whole thing and I have to say you are better than I am. I couldn't get a read on your main character but I could tell that you grunt character had some personality. She's very assertive and take charge and that's what I gathered :]
Thanks a ton! Wow, I put things twice wayyyyy too much. Haha.
GothitelleK said:
I would show this character realizing that his or her Pokemon were gone. Like for example: "I felt my belt for my Pokemon. however when I did, I couldn't find my Pokeballs. That only meant that they were gone."
I understand, but I'm going to keep this one. He (his name is Black) is supposed to be realizing that in his thoughts. Like, he feels his belt and then he thinks: They were gone. Of course.
I feel like I'm nitpicking and I feel bad since I read the whole thing and I have to say you are better than I am. I couldn't get a read on your main character but I could tell that you grunt character had some personality. She's very assertive and take charge and that's what I gathered :]
Thank you so much! it's a he... But yes, that is a pretty good description. He's stubborn, but friendly and passive; only standing up for things he really thinks are correct. Argumentative, but forgiving. Thanks for the review! Going to edit right now.
I played with my three Pokeballs in my hand, moving them in circles like things you might juggle. I thought for a while, and then tossed Darumaka’s Pokeball.
“Darumaka!” he said, when I released him. I whispered. “Shh. We have to get out of here. I want you to get through those bars. Okay?”
Darumaka slipped through the cell bars with ease. Next, I told him to hit the lever. He jumped up, and hit the lever, causing the bars to move upward. “Great job. Now, return.” I said.
That was the easy part. Now I had to get past everyone awake, and get to the other side of this lair.
I walked out into the hallway. There was no door, so I peeked my head into an opening, connecting two rooms. I saw Eva and another man talking. The man seemed angry.
“So what? I’m supposed to give my Pokemon away to everyone here, like a slave?” the man yelled.
“Yes. That is what you’re going to do. Now give me your Lucario, or pay the price!” Eva shouted.
“Nuh, nuh nu- No! Lucario, Close Combat!” the man said. He was attacking Eva?
Then, from behind Eva, in a part of the room I couldn’t see, came a Bisharp. It was Eva’s, because she was giving commands. Or, maybe it was another person’s Pokemon, like she was telling the man to do now.
“Bisharp, counter with Night Slash!” Eva said. Bisharp and Lucario were landing and blocking a series of very evenly powered hits. They were so close in level, the battle could’ve gone on forever. Bisharp hacked away with its right arm only, as only that arm was powered with Night Slash. Lucario, on the other hand, was fighting with all of its limbs. Quick jabs hit Bisharp often, but a powerful punch struck Lucario to deal damage.
Both Pokemon were tiring. “Bisharp!” Eva said. He blocked Lucario’s foot with his right arm. “Lucario, no!” said the man. “Now!” Eva screamed.
Bisharp wound up its left, sword-like arm, and plunged it into Lucario’s chest.
I nearly gasped, but then realized that I was supposed to be hiding. Lucario’s jaw dropped, and a last breath was breathed. Lucario went limp. Bisharp pulled out his blade, and Lucario collapsed. Blood splattered Bisharp’s arm, as he stood there.
“That, is what happens when you mess with me!” The man was truly stunned. He stood there, staring at his lifeless Lucario. He bent down. “I… hate you, Eva. I will never forget this!” he said.
“Oh, but you will.” Eva said. Bisharp walked towards the man. He was sobbing.
Bisharp lifted his already bloodied arm.
I looked away.
“Somebody clean this up!” she shouted. The man’s demise had no effect on anyone here. I shivered. I wished I hadn’t watched that. When I looked back, Eva was taking another Pokeball out of the man’s pocket. I was disgusted, but my state of shock wore off, as I realized that would be me If I didn’t leave soon. I pulled up my hood, and walked into the room. I got a few strange glances, but they stopped when I picked up a broom to help.
Those clothes were more a disguise than anything.
I walked through the small crowd of six, and headed to the door. Too easy. Then, I dropped the broom, and ran.
I heard two pairs of footsteps behind me. “Stop!” Eva yelled. The other person must’ve gotten tired, and fell back, because now only Eva was following me. I got into the room with the two doors and the yellow padding. I realized I was trapped, as I couldn’t clime the tube, and the metal door was locked.
“Need these, right?” she said. I turned my head, and saw her playing with some keys.
The other person was no person at all, because into the room came Bisharp. I drew a Pokeball. I didn’t see who it was, but I threw it. Out came Charmander.
“I’m not going to be killed, Eva. Not by you.” I said. “Of course, not by me. By Bisharp.: she retorted.
“Look, Eva. I know you’re not such a terrible person. You have friends. Think of those two Liams, and Conor!” I said. She glanced at the ground.
“No. They aren’t my friends. I have no friends.” she said,” I use people so they do what I want. Forgive me.”
She knelt to the ground.
I looked at her. I knew this was a lie, but I couldn’t help it. I genuinely felt bad. I knew second chances existed.
“Fine. Come on. Get up.” I said. I put a hand out to help her up. She smirked. I quickly pulled my hand away, but she came up first. Eva drove a dagger into my hand. “Aaahhhhhh!”
Eva charged at me. I jumped back, but was cornered. She thrust the dagger, but to my surprise, a new friend saved me.
Charmander jumped up, and kicked the dagger to the floor. Then, still air-borne, swiped Eva on the face with Scratch. “Eiii! Bisharp! Kill them!” she yelled. Charmander ran in front of me. My hand was soaked in blood now.
“Ahhh…” I moaned. I was out of breath, losing a lot of blood. “Ember.” I said. Charmander did as I commanded, but It did near nothing.
A woman ran into the room. She hauled Eva away on a stetcher, probably to fix her face. If only my own medic were here…
“Charmander, Scratch!” I said. Bisharp kept fighting, even though he had no trainer. He was countering with that lethal Night Slash again… I feared for Charmander’s life.
But as I was in the midst of thought, Charmander was pummeling Bisharp. Not doing so much damage, but landing hits. Rather than Scratch, a flurry of claws were flying at Bisharp. Fury Swipes!
‘Good Charmander! Keep it up!” I said encouragingly. Charmander was doing great, but then, Bisharp landed a Night Slash.
“No!” I said. Charmander lifted himself up off of the ground. He glowed blue, similar to Altaria. I knew what was coming.
“Dragon Rage!”
Charmander opened his mouth, only for an explosion to erupt from it. A blue aura filled the room, and a focused beam of energy was dancing on Bisharp. When the light faded, he fell.
“Great job, Charmander!” I exclaimed. He bounced with joy. “Now, can you get this door open?” he started melting the metal to access whatever was behind it. I summoned Darumaka as well. Soon, most of the door was melted to reveal an elevator. There were three buttons. I pushed the top one to get me out of here. I returned my Pokemon.
I waited in the elavtor. My ears popped twice as we ascended. The sudden raise of elevation made me feel dissy. Or, maybe it was all the blood I lost. The doors opened, but rather than a clear night sky, and an opening from a tree, I found the inside of a room. A room that I was familiar with. A room I have always loved, but might never see again.
I saw the inside of Drayden’s gym, lit ablaze by fire in every corner.
Cinders and ashes already covered the floor. Firefighters, Blastoise, and Swampert were helping out. A mixture of hose, Hydro Pump, and Muddy Water attacks were being launched continuously.
I took a few steps, but then a firefighter ran over. He picked me up, and set me down outside.
“What happened? Team Plasma did this, right!?” I asked.
“We have no proof of that, but I think so. There were already traces of Team Plasma in that gym, and that elevator must be investigated. I’m sure they’ll-“ he was interrupted by White. He ran over when he saw me.
“Black! Are you okay? Where have you been!? I got my badge, by the way,” he said.
“I’m fine, I’m fine. And it’s cool you got your badge. Where’s Drayden?” I replied.
“He’s in the hospital. Minor injuries, and a lot of inhaled ash. Nothing too bad, but I’m worried.” White said.
“Okay. Come on, let’s go to the Pokemon Center. I have to tell you some things.” I said.
White’s face looked like it was mixed by a blender. I had just told him everything that happened to me.
“Oh my God! Do ya’ think Eva is after you?” he said. “I don’t thinks so… I hope not.” I replied.
After healing our Pokemon, we headed for the exit. I dug into my pocket, and put six bucks on the table. “Thanks for the coffee.” I said as we left.
“You owe me three dollars.” I said to White. “Yeah yeah… sure.” He said. I didn’t think I was going to see those three dollars any time soon.
“So, want to head out tomorrow? We should get our next badge.” I said.
“Yeah sure. Meet up at nine?” he said. “Sounds good.” I said.
At home, my parents had tacos ready for dinner. My favorite. I sat down nonchalantly.
“Ahem,” said my dad. I hadn’t seen him all day. He works as a substitute for the Elite Four. He specializes in Fire Type Pokemon. That’s one of the reasons I chose Charmander as my starter.
That’s also why, way back when I was about four, my Dad gave me a Pokemon egg to raise and hatch. It taught me to be gentle, smart, and caring. When it hatched two months later, a Darumaka came out of it. I was as happy as I might ever be for my whole life at that very moment.
Then, when I was ten, I got a Pokeball from him to get another Pokemon. He said to trust in Darumaka, and that he would protect me.
I wandered into the woods, and found a lot of Pokemon. Masquerain, Roselia, Diglett, Pikachu, and Ratatta were popular. But then, I stumbled upon a small Swablu. Her wing was crooked. I didn’t capture it, but just picked it up and ran to the Pokemon Center.
After an hour, they healed her. She came out looking brand new. Then, I tapped the pokeball to her head, and she was mine.
Anyway, my parents stared at me. “What’s wrong?” I choked out, my voice a bit hoarse from the ashes, and a mouth full of taco meat and cheese.
“Where have you been!?” my mom asked.
“Huh? Why does it matter? I started my adventure this morning, so if I weren’t home now, wouldn’t it not mean anything anyway?” I said.
My Mom dropped a tray of hot taco shells.
“You… You started your journey!? Who did you pick!?” she asked.
“Did you get Tepig, the Fire Type!?” my dad asked.
“Oh… Uhh… No. They’re doing this experiment on White and I, where we get different region’s starter Pokemon. I chose Charmander, from the three Kanto starters.” I replied.
“Wha! I’ve wanted to see one of those my entire life! Take him out!” he shouted.
I took the Pokeball from my belt. Charmander came loose.
“Cool, right dad?” I said.
My Mom wasn’t much of a trainer. She only has two Pokemon, and has only been in a few battles. My dad gave her a Pansear when he found out she had no Pokemon, and then after I caught my Swablu, she searched for one too, because she thought it was so cute.
“Oh, and also,” I said, before my dad lectured meabout the awesomeness and the power of Fire Pokemon,” Swablu evolved.” I finished.
This time my mom went crazy. “No way! Swablu evolves? I want to see!” She said.
I released Altaria.
“So cute! And big! I love her!” She exclaimed.
“Also-“ I started before my dad interrupted me. “This is a lot of also.” He said jokingly.
I told them about my encounter with Drayden, and winning. I told them about Eva, and Liam, and LJ, and Conor, and about White’s Krokorok, and how the gym was set on fire.
My dad then shared stories about some challengers.
He said a man named, “N,” tried to beat the Elite Four today. My Dad subbed for Grimsley today, because he was extremely sick. He said that N had a ton of Dragon Pokemon.
He also said that he beat him. I’ve almost never hear my dad say that. He talked to the other leaders afterwards, and Marshal and Shauntal said that they were beaten too. Caitlyn said that she only had two Pokemon left by the end of the battle.
Another challenger named Red said he’s champion in Kanto, and that he has beaten all of the other Elite Four’s! My dad had a battle with him, but only defeated his Venausaur and Snorlax. A Blastoise finished his team.
I didn’t want to ask my Dad if he beat Iris, because he seemed down about losing twice in one day.
“Now who could that be at this hour!?” said my mom. She stood up to open the door.
“-Actually, I’ll get that,” I said. I wasn’t risking anything after today.
I stood up to open the door. I twisted the silver handle, and the brown door opened. I didn’t recognize them.
“We need your help, Black! In the forest!” the guy said. He was about my age, maybe bit older. Dark brown hair that looked black swept over his forehead, and his yellow eyes looked like those of a snake.
“Uhh, yeah. Sure, I’ll go help you two.” I said. I gave my parents a look that said,’ I have no idea what’s going on,’ they seemed to understand.
The girl behind him was a bit younger than him and I. She had red hair, and a ponytail that looked like a samurai might have. Her face was flawless, and her eyes were deep brown.
They started running, and I followed. “Hey, what are your names anyway?” I said, gasping for breath. I was never much of a runner. “My name is-“ he started. An explosion shook the ground, and it came from the forest. “Hurry!” the girl said.
I didn’t feel like I was moving. More like … More like the ground came up to meet my feet when I lifted them. And when they fell to the ground again, it shifted so that it moved downward. Maybe I was just tired.
By the time we got to the forest, it was too late. Drayden’s gym was nothing but a foundation and some steel girders. The forest, right next to it, was now a raging wildfire. I saw Pokemon flying away, and burnt Pokemon being carried to the Pokemon center. Some Ducklett were spraying water on the fires, and I think I saw a Mudkip or two as well. The firfighters were there, but not as many. It looked like many were injured in Drayden’s gym.
He snapped me out of my thought. “The firefighters got injured when the roof to the gym collapsed. The ones who were okay stayed, but that was about a fifth of the total. We need your help to put it out!” he said.
“What?! My help!? What can I do!?” I exclaimed. I didn’t even have a Water type Pokemon. “We need you put out the fires, and get everyone, people and Pokemon to safety!” the girl said. “What?! No! He has to get the people and Pokemon to safety, only! Who cares about the forest!?” he shouted. Another tree fell to the ground, pushing two others down with it.
“I’ll do my best to get the Pokemon and people out of here. I’m sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have a Water Pokemon, so that won’t work.” I explained.
The girl let out a painfully quick breath. She looked like she was about to cry. “She’s fine! Get to it!” He said.
“Wait!” the girl shouted. “Use my Pokemon to put out the fire!” she said.
I opened it, and a Milotic popped out. I’d never seen one, so I scanned it with my Pokedex. “Okay. I’ll do my best!” I said.
I commanded the Milotic to use Aqua Ring, and then Rain Dance, and then Hydro Pump. It seemed to work, but the fire spread too quickly.
The sun began to rise, and the boy fell asleep on the ground, leaning against his backpack. The girl watched in despair. I, of course, was ready to pass out. Today, I nearly lost an arm, was killed by a Pokemon stealing maniac, and had to put out a wildfire. It was all so fun.
Now, the fire near the city was gone, but it kept advancing outwards. Almost every Pokemon was brought to safety, including a Shiny Roselia that caught my eye.
I kept telling the Pokemon to use Hydro Pump, but it just let out bubbles. It must’ve been tired as well.
Before I could, the Pokemon fell asleep on the ground. I fell backwards, so that I was sitting. “Uggggggghhhhh…” I moaned.
“Thank you so much! Thank you!” she said. I gave her back her Pokeball, and her Milotic.
I stood up. “Uh, no problem I guess-“
She ran up and kissed me on the cheek. “Thank you!” She said.
“Uhhh…” I said, dumbfounded.
“You two having fun?” the boy said, apparently awake just now.
“Oh, uh, what? No, no… Nothing.”
“Woah! The fire is pretty much gone! Thanks!” he said.
“By the way, my name is Greed.” He said.
“Wait, what? Your name is Greed?” I asked.
“Yep. And my friend is Lust. It’s nice to meet you.” He said.
“So, does she kiss people often?” I asked. That, was stupid.
“Ugh, gross dude! She’s not Lust like that … Seriously …”
“So… Do you have any Pokemon?”
“Yeah, these two. Persian, and Murkrow,” He said.
Oh god… I thought, they’re just like the seven deadly sins…
“Do you have other friends?” I asked, awkwardly.
“Well, yeah, duh. But, if you’re talking about other people with names of sins, then I do know one. My brother, Pride.”
Hey everyone! This is Chapter 15, and is the longest chapter yet coming in at a total of four word document pages! You can also look to forward to a chapter filled with suspense and awesomeness! Hehe! Also, check out the Current Teams on the bottom!
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Chapter 15: The Bounty
I’d never ventured too far out of Opeculid City.
It was morning then, and I made sure to bring White with me. As usual, I had a story for the history books, and he had a story about his dream, which was about some Walrein trying to eat his french toast.
I introduced them to each other, Pride and Lust said hello to White, and then we saddled up to go to their house.
“Our home is just southeast of here. We know the way.” said Greed.
I made sure to give a look to White. He shrugged his shoulders, which either meant that he didn’t care about how suspicious this was, or that he didn’t hear a word because he was still thinking about his toast dream.
We ventured into the forest for a while.
“So, what’s Pride like?” White asked. “Oh, ya’ know,” said Greed, who proceeded by spitting into the plants on his left,” real noble-like. He thinks he’s the best. I’m not saying he isn’t but… he likes to boast about his achievements. Haven’t you guys heard a’ the word pride, before?”
“Greed! Don’t be so rude!” said Lust,” He’s right about some of that, but he really is a great person. He has the coolest Pokemon, and he likes to boast, but he really did do all of those things. It’s not his fault he’s amazing.” retorted Lust. “You guys, Pride won competitions and things for solving crimes and mysteries even! He’s so cool!”
White and Lust faltered, and Greed fell flat on his face. I managed to stay standing, but only by grasping a tree for dear life.
I heard White scream, “Earthquake!”
Just after saying that, a strange Pokemon that I’d never seen flew above us. It was gigantic… A monster sitting on a cloud. It was so large, it blocked out the sun. I couldn’t see a thing.
“Aiiii!” I heard someone scream. “Lust!?” shouted Greed. “Woooaa-hhhh!” said Greed. “Get away!” shouted White.
“Are you guys okay?” I asked.
When the behemoth passed, I was alone. “You guys? Is anyone there?” I said. A note fluttered by. I made sure to snap it out of the air.
It read:
This is no game, child. You won’t be seeing your friends for a long time… If ever again. Unless you plan on being kidnapped yourself, don’t come searching! These Seven Deadly Sin kids have quite a bounty on their heads, and now I have three of them!
Three? Oh no… They must think that White is Pride! There was more.
Unless you want to get yourself killed, you can go back home and never say a word! I have eyes and ears all over the world… everywhere…
-The Bounty Hunter
“WHAAAAT?!” I shouted, even though nobody was there. He was some sort of Bounty Hunter, and he was going to sell them for ransom… Or even kill them! What was I going to do...
I continued down the path. Lust did say that Pride was famous for solving mysteries and what not.
I started passing a few houses, some large some small. I knocked on every door, waiting for Pride to answer. I didn’t know what he looked like, so I had to ask,”Is Pride in here,” or, “Do you know a boy named Pride?”
Eventually, someone said that his house was the furthest down on the right side. I went all the way down the road, and found his home. I bet that it was neater than others I’d seen previously.
I knocked on the door. There was no response.
“Hellooooooooooo-oooooooooooooo!?!?” I shouted, “Anybody hooooooooooome!?”
I really slammed hard on the door, but it just slid open. “Uhh… You there, Pride?”
I was scared out of my mind. His house was huge, and I knew someone or something would be behind every corner.
As I was thinking to myself that nothing would be in this place, I stepped on a strange panel. “What is that?” I thought.
I cleared away the crate and rugs on top of it. A secret cellar! I opened it gingerly-
SCRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCHHHHHHHH
It couldn’t have opened more noisily. I took out the Pokeball of Altaria, just in case this was trouble.
I stepped down the steps, and into the dark. It was almost pitch black, but there were some candles on the walls.
I stepped quietly, which was hard, because my entire body was wracked with fear. I was shaking. I passed a trophy case, and bookcases of scrolls and tomes. He had tables to experiment with, ingredients scattering the floor around it, and tons of Pokeballs in cases. I was wondering if he was trying to complete the NationalDex.
My heart skipped a beat; or maybe just stopped all together.
Tied up against the wall, was Pride. His eyes were closed, but it looked like he was still breathing. “Pride? Are you okay?” I asked dumbly. Of course there was no response.
From behind me, I heard a knife scratching glass. “Course he can’t hear ya’ kid. It’s too bad, really, you made it this far and now you’ve come to fail.”
I turned around, and I probably needed to open my mouth because it felt like I was holding a scream to break all the glass in the world.
The Bounty Hunter. Sitting on a chair next to one of the display cases.
“Did you get my note? Yes? So in that case you can go…” He said.
I didn’t say anything, but held up my Pokeball in defense.
“Oh, how cute. You have a Pokemon. What is it, some kind of weak Kakuna? Stop messing around kid; this is the real deal.”
I still was too paralyzed to say anything.
“Why don’t you just go home, Black?” He said. He knew my name!? He continued,” I know that that kid White was no Pride, and that this here is Pride… I think I’ll sell ‘em for ransom maybe… You can forget this all ever happened…”
He kept calling me kid, but he only looked a few years older than me. It also looked like his only form of defense was a knife… Unless he planned on battling me using himself; Bounty Hunter, use Giga Impact!
I got that thought outa’ my mind.
I took a deep breath. “Give it up, Hunter. You think you’ll win here, but you don’t even have a form of defense. You’re hopeless.” I said lamely.
“Hahahaha… Hah… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… You think you’ve won, don’t you? This guy is trapped here ‘cause I got Pokemon? HAH! If I even, the worst comes to worst, die here, which I won’t, I’d still win ,because it’s not like those friends a’ yours a right outside! Hahahaha… You got me going there for a sec’ kid.” He thrust his hand into one of the display cases, and picked out a Pokeball. “This one here is Spiritomb. So… You wanna’ play? Let’s play…”
I wondered what to do… I couldn’t do nothing. Besides, I know he’s working with someone because he couldn’t get White, Greed, and Lust to his base in such a short time himself. Plus, he wouldn’t be just waiting in this basement for no one… Which meant… Someone else was coming here soon!
Alright, I finally got a chance to read through and rate/critique. First, I'll get the boring stuff out of the way. Your writing style and grammar is solid. No glaring flaws or anything of the sort. I think the only thing you do consistently that's wrong is not starting a new line when a character speaks. I saw that you disagreed with one reader's sentiments but whoever that reviewer was is absolutely correct. It's really hard to read your story when you have three people speaking in the same line. Just start a new line every time a different character speaks and you'll be fine. Also your chapters were a little short at first but it seems you rectified that.
Now, on to the actual story itself. First of all, you have a pretty interesting OT fic...it started out as a typical trainer fic but you quickly dropped that in favor of a more epic good vs bad guy theme. I like that notion. I also like the incorporation of the 7 deadly sins as characters...I've definitely never seen that in a Pokemon fic. I think there's a lot here you can develop that hasn't really been seen elsewhere and your fic could potentially stand alone because of that.
Now for the parts where your fic could use some improvement. First of all you're kind of stepping all over the toes of Mary-Suedom. You gave your main character a super rare/special/overpowered Pokemon from another region...and didn't really give a serious reason why. I mean, sure, you included that it was for a study...but didn't really elaborate what the scientists were studying...or why they even cared...or why black/white were chosen. To the average reader it just seems very contrived and seems like you just wanted to reward your character with a suped-up fire type. Also, this seems really rushed. I mean, in one day a kid got his starter, evolved one Pokemon, beat Unova's most powerful gym leader, got captured by team plasma, witnessed a murder, escaped team plasma, escaped a burning gym, and helped fight a forest fire. In Ash Ketchum's first day, he got shocked a lot and got attacked by Spearow. You see the problem, here?
Overall, I see promise here. Slow down on your fic. Use chapters to develop your characters and their pokemon. More background will help your readers relate as opposed to filling in the plot holes themselves. This also tends to dodge any potential for mary-suedom as you'll be forced to give solid reasoning for why things happen. Continue to develop your characters as well. Your seven deadly sins as characters is very promising and, like I said above, is relatively new to the forum. I already like Wrath (he reminds me of the movie Se7en). Anyways, I hope you take what I said into consideration and continue writing!
Thank you so much! I will start adding new lines when a person talks (easy and makes the chapter look longer LOL) and I will incorporate the reason for Charmander. I was planning on making (as I already hinted) to make Charmander's Solar Power more of a burden than a blessing. Also, all I had for Charmander was the research... I'll think of something though! XD I agree with pretty much everything you said. Thanks so much for the review!
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Here is the 16th chapter. Some reflection of Black at his current age, telling the story here. I'd say were approaching the second half of this journey, and I expect the fic to end at the thirty second chapter. Anyway, here ya' go.
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Chapter 16: The Twenty-Second Paradox
I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember… the day I found that paper. I must’ve just been fourteen years old. Wasn’t fair, really. I didn’t know what that paper was all about. But here I am now, telling my story to you. Anyway… let’s get back to it.
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I stuttered; I felt like forgot how to breath. I grabbed the desk to the left of me, and my weight was all pushed on to my somewhat stable left knee.
“Weak and pathetic… I said, to, LEAVE!” He shouted again.
One of them. One of those sin people… Just, killing his own. Disgusting. I couldn’t help but think what made him like this.
“I… I can’t leave without Pride.” I said. I didn’t realize how stupid I sounded then. Like some kind of hero. I was just a kid.
“Pride? You want Pride? That’s what you want? Then leave before you I take your pride from you… and everything else! No one will even remember you once I’ve killed you!” he shouted, stomping a foot on the ground, and his voice now elevating. I noticed that the stomp made a kling sort of noise. It had a metal toe. A hunting boot. That means he isn’t from around here, because they aren’t sold since hunting is illegal in Opeculid. At least I wouldn’t be seeing him again.
I grasped the latch to the trapdoor, and nearly fell down pulling on it to open. It finally did, with a long creaaaaaaaaaaak.
I stumbled out, and fell to the ground on the wood planking floor. The cellar closed behind me.
I was sweating with a fever, and slipping out of reality… I think. It’s still pretty fuzzy to remember. What happened next was clear as glass, though.
I grabbed the window ledge, painted with a white frame and an old-looking blind that had a broken slat. I used it to help me up.
“YOU BETTER HAVE LEFT IN FORTY SECONDS OR I’M GUNNA MAKE SURE YOU DON’T SEE DAYLIGHT AGAIN!!” Wrath shouted. I wearily picked myself up and tried to control my breathing. I soon found the rusty doorknob to the green wooden door. I twisted, and then pulled it open. My arm felt weak.
A gust left the house, as if it had been holding its breath and decided to exhale. Some papers flew off of a light-colored stained wood table, and through the door. Most landed on the porch. I walked out and sat on the steps, head between my knees.
The papers around me glided like Butterfree until finding a place to land. Some papers just looked see-through. Clear as day, like they didn’t exist.
Maybe they didn’t. Maybe I’d already passed-out. I punched a pillar on the porch to test reality; which was stupid of me, because I was still conscious.
“AHHHHHHHHH…” I shouted, which was followed by a handful of curses. I shook my hand like I’d just finished writing a long essay with a stubby pencil. Stuck to the post where I’d punched the wall, one of the papers was stuck.
I picked it up, and examined it. It looked strange… nothing like I’d ever seen before. It was just a bunch of strange markings in different spots on the page. It sorta looked like… Here, let me draw it out for you.
HET EWNTYT ECONSD ARDAXOP
---
------------------
___________-----------
--++__---
--------___
++
_
*--0___________
It was gibberish to me then. I thought it was just one of Pride’s scraps, but I stuffed it into my bag anyway.
Though my hand hurt, my head cleared. I started remembering the area. I was at about where the behemoth (as I’d started liking to call it) blackened everything. Where White, Lust, and Greed were captured.
I couldn’t help but feel guilty. How was I not mistaken for Pride? White just, “happened,” to be captured? I mean, sure, I was the one who didn’t have the old-school, “Wake-up, get a Pokemon, start your journey, and get stampeded by Pikachu and Tailow all day,” kinda day. Not the usual trainer’s story… but what can I say? I didn’t decide to almost get murdered, get a gym badge, and-
THUDDDDDD
Ironically, the third thing I’d done yesterday was about to be my end. Trees were on fire all around me. The wildfire.
I ran to get back to the city, but I’d reacted too late. A tree toppled, trapping my foot.
I started to wheeze and choke on the smoke, and my foot felt the weight of an entire tree on it; probably already broken most of the bones in it.
I’d like to say that I slipped out from under that tree… but no. This can’t be like the TV show with Ash Ketchum and his trusty Pikachu, or the video games where my Level 100 Dragonite will swoop down and chop the tree in two. This has to be the time where I’m living it myself. Soon, the smoke stung my eyes so badly I thought I may never open them again, and my lungs had so much smoke in them that there was more death inside them than oxygen.
Because of the said, the period before the end quotation should be a comma. If there is anything like, "I said, said I, he asked, replied." or anything like that, a comma is put before the end quotation.
I’d like to say that I slipped out from under that tree… but no. This can’t be like the TV show with Ash Ketchum and his trusty Pikachu, or the video games where my Level 100 Dragonite will swoop down and chop the tree in two. This has to be the time where I’m living it myself. Soon, the smoke stung my eyes so badly I thought I may never open them again, and my lungs had so much smoke in them that there was more death inside them than oxygen.
This cliffhanger would work a lot better if it was in third person. Maybe it's just me thinking that. But because it's in past tense first person, we know that he lives since he is telling the tale. This chapter was sort of, well, quick. It was over a lot faster than I anticipated. I applaud you on not using too much dialogue, but there wasn't much description either. You could have described the feeling of the smoke in his lungs and how it felt to breathe. Other than that, your writing is steadily improving from the beginning. If you can just make your chapters longer, describe things a tad better then you'll really have something here.
Sorry this took so long by the way. From now on I'll review same day you tell me there's a new chapter. Until next time.
Ironically, I am just reading this now and I have the chapter ready so I'll have it longer next time.
Chapter 17: So The Legend Told
“Is this it? Is he waking up?” I faintly hear someone say.
Then, a different voice, “I think so… Black, can you hear us?”
Then more, “He starting to get his color back- it’s pale right now.”
“I don’t know if he understands this.”
“I don’t know if he can even hear this.”
I gingerly open my eyes to see my mother, father, Drayden, and a doctor.
“He’s waking up. We’ll have more pain killers ready soon.”
“What? Pain killers? For what?” Is what I try to say, but instead it comes out slurred and sort of like, “Wha, pakirs, fo’ wa,” and so I moan in a frustrated tone.
“My baby boy! How do you feel?” she asks, kneeling down to grip my arm.
“Fie” I mutter.
“Fine?” she responds. I nod. Now the doctor is back in the room.
“I’ll address more pain killers in two hours. Until then, he stays in this exact position- and please, try not to touch him.”
My mother takes her hands off me. “You probably need some rest. We’ll leave and-“
I interrupt her, “No! Don’go!” I spill out.
“You want us to stay?” she replies.
“Well of course he does.” Drayden retorts. “Would you want to be alone in a hospital for four days?”
The last part hits me like a Hydro Pump. “Fur Daids!?!?” I shout, and much louder than I meant it to be.
“Oh, yeah, well… Buddy, do you remember what happened?” My dad says.
“Yef. I waz under a burni’tree.” I said. Hopefully they understood that.
“Yes. Well… You don’t feel any pain at all?” He responded.
I wiggled my fingers and feet. I didn’t feel anything. Then I try turning on my side- just slightly. I arch my back in pain- which only makes me hurt more. My head begins to tell me to scream- to shout; do anything! I tell myself I’m safe here. A doctor rushes in and sticks a needle in my leg. As he pulls it out, everything begins to turn black…
-Four Days Ago-
My vision slowly closed into the void of black.
But then a hand appeared in front of me.
I thought, “My parents are going to kill me when they find out I’m dead”.
This must be the hand of god or something. Like, the gates to heaven.
“Get up.” The person says. He must be wearing a gas mask.
I take his hand and struggle to my feet. When I let go and look at his hand and who it is, the hand doesn’t have five figures. And the hand is a literal white with a purple palm. And I take a step back. And I look up and meet the stranger’s gaze. And I turn to find that the tree is neither on fire nor on the ground.
