inPOKED

[bug pro]

So hi, im new to the fanfic parts here. And english 'aint my main language either, have some respect for that please. This is a pokemon made inFAMOUS. And we will be folowing Pole mcgrath (A pickachu)s journey. Whith more comedy input, due to Pole being a pokemon. Pole also folows the neutral (yellow) way.Anyway, I will be starting after the intro movie. Pole aint whith, so no changes can be made.
Lets start!

Chapter #1, WTF am I?!?!?

"Looking good, Pole" a voice weirdly close to Coles said.
Pole opened his eyes, and his brain became locked into.one thing."WTF am I? I was applepicking at wigglytuffs guild, and now i'm in a city were a couple of atomic bombs seem to have blown off."

He suddenly saw a chopper hovering towards him, saying

"What are you doing there, get to the bridge!

"Wut bridge?" Said pole, scratching his head afterwards.

"Just follow the dammed road, n00b!" Pole got as an answer.

Pole did as he said, followed the road. Cars exploaded by the side, and roads crumbled. He came to two electric seeming things. Caringless as always, Pole tried to pass. He found himself getting a major shock.

"Im overloading soon! That would turn me into a S.S.C.O.S! (Super-Speedy-Chipmunk-On-Steroids. Trust me, you don't wanna se that in action)!

The electric pulses just stopped in time to remain as a Pole. Navigating through some more obstacles, he suddenly felt another pulse by another electric thing.

"ZOMG you motherfukker thing...i'm...turning....into....a

*PZZAP!*

The pulse ended. Good for pole, it was just next to the bridge. Another electric pulse strik'd him. Great enough to come from something else.

"Oh no, it's the terrorists!" Zeke shouted.

"What are you talking about? They'r shotting random bolts at random directions, not even trying to shoot me." Pole replied.

He took out his mobile phone of the explorer bag. He selected to play the recorded sound of Skyarrow bridge when he slowly walked over to the other side.

"Dude, down on the ground!" Zeke suddenly said.

"Why? I cant see any reason." Pole said.

"You are supposed to folow the story, collapse in front of me and we can have a movie afterwards." Zeke replied.

"That'd be great! Just dont take my popcorn, please." Pole answered.

"*facepalm* You are in the movie, and at a hospital." Zeke facepalmingly said.

"LoLwut? I just collapse and see what happens." Pikachu thought.

Said, I mean thought, and done. A yellow plush seeming figure collapsed in front of a fat guys belly.

"Noooo!" Zeke screamed.

"What?" Pole replied.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing. Just stay down untill the film starts, ok?" Zeke said, thinking how Pole became so stupid.



End of a chapter 1.

 

[Phoopes]

This first thing is before reading it: It's too short. The limit stated in the rules is 2 pages in Microsoft Word. And this looks like a little less than that to me.

After reading it, the grammar isn't too good. I know that English isn't your first language, but getting a beta-reader before you "publish" your story would be a good idea. Also, I do find the humor a little less than funny. It just seems a little hard to follow, no offense.

Now for the good stuff. A Pokemon/inFAMOUS cross-over? A cool idea. And it will be very cool, if done well. And if you make the humor a little less random, it will be awesome.
However, with what you have now, it is evident that you are a first-time writer. That's okay, but there are still many ways you can improve. My list of suggestions:
1. Make future chapters a little bit longer.
2. Get a beta-reader to fix grammatical mistakes (especially because English isn't your first language)
3. Make the humor a bit less random. It will be easier to follow.
4. Maybe include a link to the introduction video you talked about? It will be easier to understand for people who haven't played inFAMOUS.

Overall, it was below average. But you can definitely improve. Good luck to you, and I hope you take my suggestions to heart!

 

[bug pro]

This first thing is before reading it: It's too short. The limit stated in the rules is 2 pages in Microsoft Word. And this looks like a little less than that to me.

After reading it, the grammar isn't too good. I know that English isn't your first language, but getting a beta-reader before you "publish" your story would be a good idea. Also, I do find the humor a little less than funny. It just seems a little hard to follow, no offense.

Now for the good stuff. A Pokemon/inFAMOUS cross-over? A cool idea. And it will be very cool, if done well. And if you make the humor a little less random, it will be awesome.
However, with what you have now, it is evident that you are a first-time writer. That's okay, but there are still many ways you can improve. My list of suggestions:
1. Make future chapters a little bit longer.
2. Get a beta-reader to fix grammatical mistakes (especially because English isn't your first language)
3. Make the humor a bit less random. It will be easier to follow.
4. Maybe include a link to the introduction video you talked about? It will be easier to understand for people who haven't played inFAMOUS.

Overall, it was below average. But you can definitely improve. Good luck to you, and I hope you take my suggestions to heart!

Im using my phone, cant see any pages or something like that. Cant copypaste either, so its my mind that has to remember it. Yep, some problems here and there. And its not that good comedy in the start, but belive me. The redtots will change that.