Instincts

[Torkoal]

Prologue
They hung in the shadows of the everlasting darkness of a cave unknown. Inhuman creatures, dozens of dim silhouettes floating between stalactites, sprawling over boulders many men high or shrinking back into the many dripping crevices the grotto offered, eye glinting and radiating faint aura's of power.
All stared expectantly at the raised platform that stood in the center of the room.

The leader, an orange bird of extraordinary beauty, decorative feathers of many colors adorning his orange body, who called himself Ho-Oh spread his grand emerald, wings and spoke, “The time has come. The prophecy we all dreaded has finally come true, and it was by our hands that it did so.”

A white humanoid with the purple tail and chest, one of the more skeptical, and certainly more opinionated of the figures rose up, “But are you sure he is really the best choice for this mission? Why can’t we call on one of the heroes who saved the world in previous disasters? Or better yet, take care of this ourselves?”

Mixed reactions came from the crowd at this comment; the members of the group talking amongst themselves until the leader once again spoke.

“Silence! The previous heroes do not have the abilities that this child was gifted with, and neither do we. If they or we dealt with it, it would only be a short-term solution. They would come back, and besides I think we owe it to him to try and find a way to lift the curse that we accidentally placed upon him…and that way is this child.”

He sighed. “I just have a bad feeling about this, but very well, we’ll go with your plan.”

Meanwhile in Rustboro City…

“Don’t worry yawl! I got the beer!” Yelled a drunken teenage boy.

“Hell yeah!” said another.

“Right here!” yelled one.

“You know I want some!”

Don’t forget me!”

“And me!”

The small dorm room was crowded entirely with teenage males sitting around the miniature refrigerator next to one of the beds, only one person in the entire room not drinking. Over in the corner sitting on one of the beds with a laptop in his lap was one last teenager. That person was a fifteen-year-old boy named Amerigo Ballo. He was scanning the screen, his wild hair getting in his eyes, forcing him to keep fiddling with it. He had seen people with hair that covered half their face and thought it looked cool, but was now reconsidering his decision.

He glanced over at his peers, looking at them make idiots of themselves. He compared them to a group of Mankeys throwing feces around in a festive manner, however at least the Mankeys all did that, instead of just a few below average ones. He then glanced at the silver watch on his wrist. It was twelve forty two.

Amerigo stared at them pointedly, trying to sigh loudly over the obnoxious drunken laughter. “Can you guys please shut up!? I’m trying to study for the finals tomorrow.”

“Oh come on Amy, live a little!” Adrian sneered, lifting a can and shaking it coyly. The other boys hooted and nudged his ribs, drinking their first can as fast as they could so they could get seconds.

The boy took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm, “For the last time, I don’t drink, I never have, and I never will, and stop calling me that!" Amerigo growled through clenched teeth. He closed his laptop dangerously slowly, glaring. "You guys are lucky I don’t report you to the office for having beer in the first place.”

“Why you always gotta be such a party pooper Amy?” Asked one of the drunken teenagers, as he grabbed his seventh beer.

At this the boys all started laughing, and Amerigo was beginning to get irritated.

At this he declared loudly, “I told you my name is Amerigo Ballo.”

“Whatever Amy.” Replied one of them.

By now the laughing could be heard throughout the entire dorm and Amerigo was worried that one of the teachers would come in and see the beer.

“That’s it. I’m going over to Omar’s room. At least he knows not to stay up all night drinking when finals are due the next day.”

Amerigo stomped out of the room furious at his irresponsible classmates.

As he was leaving the room one of them called out, “Amy, you forgot your purse!”

“Shut up!”

With that he slammed the door, and made his way over to Omar’s bedroom. The two of them had been friends ever since they met when they first started at the academy. After a few minutes of seeing how far he would have to walk not to hear the drunkards he had just left he had reached Omar’s room and knocked on the door.

“For the last time Jason I do not want to listen to the dumb CD you made!”

He opened the door and saw his friend standing there instead.

“Oh, its you Amerigo.”

“Yeah, I need to come in here cause the guys won’t shut up. They’re over in my room drinking beer and looking at porn. By the way what the hell was that?”

“Oh Jason Miller made this dumb CD at one of those shops where you can record yourself singing, and he keeps bugging the hell out of me to listen to it. Looks like we’re both having trouble with our peers. Oh yeah, you can come in.”

“Thanks.” He muttered.

Amerigo entered his friend’s room and after finishing his studying got a well deserved sleep. The next morning…

“Amerigo wake up!” yelled Omar, shaking his friend.

Amerigo looked at his friend with irritation, but noticed that he was pale and very stressed, with a look of shock on his face.

“What man?” Amerigo said, groggy and still desiring sleep.

“Man, I. You see. I got a note from the office. Its bad, your dad, he-"
An uncomfortable silence rose as Amerigo continued to stare at his worried peer. Omar opened his mouth, not sure how he should act or what he should say. "Do you want someone to talk to, or be alone, or something? Uhh...Uhh...here."

Omar handed his friend the note, his eyes not daring to see the look of pure shock that he knew would come onto his face.
The note read, "The father of Amerigo Ballo has passed away. Amerigo is excused from school until the matter is resolved. Call: 612-782-NEIL"

Amerigo was stunned. His father was his hero, and of many people around the world. He was a seasoned war veteran, known for his sense of righteousness. Even if it got him in trouble he would always do the right thing, and hearing that someone like him had just died was the biggest shock of his life.

"I’ll leave you alone.” was the final thing Omar said before walking out of the room to leave his friend in peace.

Amerigo looked up at the ceiling remembering all the memories he had of his father, and finally after a long time of this with his hands shaking from pure shock and tears coming down his face, took out his cell phone and, dialed the number on the note.

“H-he-hello?” he said, his voice shaking and quiet.

The voice that replied was deep, the opposite of Amerigo’s and the type that could only come from someone wise, and experienced in these types of matters although Amerigo did sense a slight sadness in it, “Hello Amerigo. This is Neil Johnson, I’m your family’s lawyer, remember? We met at…well you know.”

“Yeah, I know, I remember you. So…what happened?” His voice more calm and collected now.

“I’ll read you the police report. As you know your father has been in the uncharted mountain region in the north of Kanto helping with the construction of new towns that are being built there. Well one day he went up a mountain to scout the surrounding area. Later that day while the villagers were working...one of them saw your father fall off the mountainside. We don’t know what killed him. When an autopsy was done on the body it was...not something you would want to see. More investigations are being done to determine the cause of his death, but so far nothing has come up.”

Amerigo still in shock, said nothing.

“I sent a limo to your school. It will arrive tomorrow after graduation…Amerigo, what are you going to do? Where are you going to go?”

“…I'll be a Pokemon Trainer after graduation tomorrow, so I guess that. As for where I'm going to go, after the funeral and will reading I’ll begin traveling the world. And as for the company, I’ll try to discuss it with whichever one of my older siblings inherited it.”
“...Very well, we’ll be seeing each other tomorrow. Until then I bid you good day.”
With that Johnson hung up the phone. Amerigo almost fell onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, deep in thought about the news he had received. He closed his eyes for about a minute, until opening them and saying, “Dad, how could you do this to me?”

 

[Yami Ryu]

“Don’t worry yawl! I got the beer!” Yelled a fat, unattractive teenage boy.

God that is just .. that is the most insulting thing I have heard here. You can be fat, and attractive. So just because he's fat, he's unattractive? Aren't you just the most shallowest bowl of sunshine EVAR!?

A white humanoid with the purple tail and chest,

Surely there are much better ways to describe Mewtwo.

Overall this was rushed, and pretty much descriptionless. I mean the only one/thing you went into great detail to describe, more than a pathetic scentence or one liner, was the main character.

I suggest you put more effort into Chapter One, and go read ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS.

 

[Torkoal]

Is it possible that someone can be fat and unattractive? And that you're just trying to make me look bad because you're still ****** off that I misspelled your name that one time. Surely you're at least a little biased against me.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Is it possible that someone can be fat and unattractive?

Yes, but if you don't go into why it will be assumed you mean he/she is unatractive due to being fat. So he's not unattractive because he's an ugly person on the inside, or looks like a bum. You said 'fat and unatractive'. Wow that is so great. Note: if you can't detect that bit of sarcasm, you lose two points.

And that you're just trying to make me look bad because you're still ****** off that I misspelled your name that one time.

No, cause to be honest I forget about the people like you untill you pop up again. And what would that have anything to do with you making a bad story?

[Surely you're at least a little biased against me.

Surely you're atleast a little smart enough to take the advice to improve?

 

[Torkoal]

Yes, but if you don't go into why it will be assumed you mean he/she is unatractive due to being fat. So he's not unattractive because he's an ugly person on the inside, or looks like a bum. You said 'fat and unatractive'. Wow that is so great. Note: if you can't detect that bit of sarcasm, you lose two points.
the fat unnatractive guy was a cameo character. It wasn't worth it to describe him. and if you can't detect that you're not helping, and that I want you out of my thread you lose all of your points.



No, cause to be honest I forget about the people like you untill you pop up again. And what would that have anything to do with you making a bad story?




Surely you're atleast a little smart enough to take the advice to improve?

there is a big difference between advice and flaming. obviously you're not "a little smart enough" to see that, since if you were, you wouldn't use that kind of grammar.

 

[katiekitten]

...Yami, I beta read for him this time. He really has improved. He doesn't have as much description, yes; but that's because I told him to cut down. If you look at his description, it has gone from listed, to a more fluid, interesting piece of work. Less, but less can be more. XD

I'm glad you're taking my advice, Torkoal! =D

Yami, I consider you a friend, but I disagree with you here.

 

[Yami Ryu]

:/

I still say it could have been worded differently. Like 'the greasy haired, pimply faced and overall unattractive teenager shouted'. I mean, there, you can see Ok, that IS un attractive. I mean hasn't he heard of washing and cutting back on pizza?.

But just fat and unattractive., I'm sorry to find that insulting :/ and I'm sorry to point out there could have been less insulting ways to point out unattractiveness than just throwing out 'fat'.

 

[Sammi]

The fat and unattractive could... Hurt someone. I mean, what if I was like that? I'd be so offended. (I'm not fat mind you.)

It was pretty simple. Too plain... Try more description. I know it murders you, but try. It murders me... Description is mean. ;-;

 

[Torkoal]

fine, I changed it to drunken. Is that better?

 

[Tezza]

Heya mate, let's have a look at what we have here.

Well, in your first paragraph you have something a change of tone. I can imagine what you want to get across a gloomy, ethereal tension, but some of your words belay that. The word 'large' does this. A large order of fries please! It's a mundane kind of word. You've got the vagueness right. You want it to be mysterious, so who knows how many their could be but you change that when you say 'twenty-something'. Twenty something is also kind of boring description.

After you've finished your first draft of a chapter, reread thinking about how interesting or artist it sounds. Look at a paragraph and think what kind of information you want in it- I want to describe a dark cave with multiple Pokemon in it floating and hovering. Don't be afraid to sit around and mix your sentences and your phrases.

They hung in the shadows of the everlasting darkness of a cave unknown. Inhuman creatures, dozens of dim silhoettes floating between stalactites, sprawling over boulders many men (pretending it as a unit of measurement) high or shrinking back into the many dripping crevices the grotto offered, eye glinting and radiating faint aura's of power.
All stared expectantly at the raised platform.

I'd like to say don't worry about 'too much' description but there is a limit called the Purple Prose effect. In your first draft of a chapter write everything you want and at the end go back over it and try word efficiency. What single word or phrase can get the same details, the same atmosphere as in that whole big lump of words?

A white humanoid with the purple tail and chest, who was one of the more skeptical figures stood up and spoke his opinion is an example.

A white humanoid with the purple tail and chest one of the more skeptical, and certainly more opinionated rose up.

It'll come with expirience and expanding your vocabulary, don't worry.

There's also another bit of a grammatical error. extraordinary beauty, which called himself.

'Which' is used to describe inanimate objects, extraordinary beauty who referred to himself as would probably be a better choice in words.

I think you may be mixing a dangerous combination here right to begin with, the world's most powerful pokemon, akin to gods, standing around describing an amazingly gifted boy, even more than they it seems. Add to that he's cursed.

Now, the people whinging about fat, unattractive teenage boys.... Well, yeah, they are such people in the world and I infact spent a good part of my younger years being picked on by a particuarly obnoxious one. Do other reviewers what to wipe all the people who aren't 'average or better' from the Pokemon world. Better yet, its opinionated. Who think's he's unattractive? Who is observing him? If you can attach this observation to a person's PoV it would be better than you just stating he's unattractive.

He was scanning the screen his wild hair getting in his eyes,

is missing a word.

Haha, I like that! That is just so, teenagerish... in fact that is precisely what I've been doing, trying to mimic something cool but not being able to pull it off. In fact the whole scene is eerily familiar to university life, bravo for the realism.

You're dialogue is pretty scripty. Maybe describe how he says it and what he's doing as he's saying it.


Amerigo stared at them pointedly, trying to sigh loudly over the obnoxious drunken laughter. “Can you guys please shut up? I’m trying to study for the finals tomorrow.”

“Oh come on Amy, live a little!” Adrian sneered, lifting a can and shaking it coyly. The other boys hooted and nudged his ribs, drinking their first can as fast as they could so they could get seconds.

“For the last time, I don’t drink, I never have, and I never will, and stop calling me that!" Amerigo growled through clenched teeth. He closed his laptop dangerously slowly, glaring. "You guys are lucky I don’t report you to the office for having beer in the first place.”

Voila, that adds more actions to the picture, doesn't it? But then again since I've had the expirience I can empathise with it and see my own version of details as it happened. Sit down and plug yourself into the scene, close your eyes and imagine! What do you see, what are their actions and expressions? What do you hear? Does the room reek of stale alcohol and salt and vinegar chips? What you describe is where you'll draw the reader's attention. They'll read it and go, oh yeah, I can hear the sound of someone spitefully stomping a chip packet into the carpet!

In fact, most of your dialogue and situation rings really true, average and students busting their arse to get through school. The only thing that sounds off is Omar just saying 'you're dad's dead'. If he's his friend, would he be worried, anxious, offering Amerigo a seat. Easing him into the news, "Man, I. You see. I got a note from the office. Its bad, your dad, he-" "An uncomfortable silence rose as Amerigo continued to stare into the distance. Omar opened his mouth, not sure how he should act or what he should say. "Do you want someone to talk to, or be alone, or something?"

Breaking the news of death is just as hard as hearing it. And being stunned at a 'comment'. I wouldn't call that a comment. This is emotional! You need something dramatic! Amerigo was stunned at the blow, his face freezing in a disturbing rictus........hearing that someone like him, a star you thought would never stop shining, had died....tears first trickling, then tumbling down his cheeks in as stream. He rubbed his face with his sleeve but more to replace them.

His description and admiration of his father brings us back into your marvellous ability to build a realistic scene.

the note I got were that you’re dad’s funeral will

another grammatical error.. "I got was you're dad's" is the way it should be.

The lawyer also seems out of character. I mean we all picture them as legal sharks but they're also human. If someone had died I'm sure they would offer their sympathy too and break the news in a soft way, trying to dumb down the upsetting details. For example, "When an autopsy was done on the body it was like nothing human eyes have ever set eyes upon." Is not something you're going to tell a relative. "His autopsy was... unusual."

Also the questions asked are very blunt, what are you going to do? Where are you going!?!!! Jabbing question at someone in shock. "Is there any one you can talk to? Do you understand what this means?" Amigo's also acting too quickly and decisively despite the shock. Maybe he's a level headed boy, but I think that means he would be more likely to sit down reconsider all his options in light of the new circumstances rather then decide rashly in a fit of emotion.

All in all, an interesting opener. The more you read and write the better your vocabulary and phrasing will be. Life expirience will also help with the trickier things like what actually happens when someone dies. You've suceeded in making my grim and thoughtful, if only because of similar circumstances recently and realistic details. Ta and good luck!

 

[Torkoal]

in light of Tezza's advice, I have made major revisions to the fic, which I'm hoping improve its quality. I thank Tezza, and everyone for your help, even you Yami, and wish that my changes will improve your reading experience, and maybe even inspire future writers to learn from me. Lastly Chapter 1 will be posted once KK is done Betareading it.
Thank you, and have a nice day.

 

[Torkoal]

Chapter 1: An Uncertain Future
“Dude, I’m so sorry man.”

Adrian patted him on the back in an effort to comfort him.

Amerigo sighed before saying, “It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I should say I always did like you although I never said it. Maybe we’ll meet up one day on our journeys once we both graduate. We could have a battle and tell each other of our adventures.”

“Yeah. Well, see ya. Hopefully we’ll see each other again once we’re on our journeys like you said.”

Amerigo opened the door, and waved to his friend before heading to class. As he walked down the hall he thought about all the good times he had, had at the academy. All the friends he had made, fun experiences he had, and a multitude of other things relating to his stay there. He looked around and saw people looking at him with varying emotions on their faces. Just then his girlfriend Katie ran up and hugged him as she put her face in his chest and cried.

“Amerigo, I heard you were leaving. Is this true?”

“Yes, but I have no choice. I love you and I hope we see each other again”

Amerigo thought for a few moments before getting an idea.

“In fact I think I have a good idea as to how you can be sure we will.”

He took off the necklace he wore under his uniform. It was his father’s military identification necklace, which he had given to Amerigo as a gift after he quit the army.
“Now this is one of my most prized possessions, so I’m going to want it back one day, okay?”

Katie was still crying a bit, but managed to respond, “Okay.”

Amerigo rubbed his girlfriends back to comfort her before saying, “Katie, we’ll meet again…I promise.”
With that he walked into class for the final time.

The next day…
“Welcome family, friends, and assorted business people. Today is a very special day. We will be celebrating the graduation of this year’s senior class of Madison Trainer Academy. The students have learned much in their stay here, but the journey is only beginning. Now they must take their knowledge and the pokemon and supplies they will be given and go out into the world and become great pokemon trainers like those that have come before them. So let us celebrate the beginning of that quest, and give them a fond sendoff to the adventures that lay ahead.”
Amerigo stood up on the stage with all the other students looking out at a crowd of parents, friends of students, and business people giving scholarships, and other such opportunities to those they deemed worthy. Amerigo was jealous of the other students, who when this all was over would have family that would be supporting them, giving them strength and encouragement in times of need. Something that Amerigo yearned for, while others took it for granted, or disregarded it completely.

“Adrian Clinton!”
Amerigo snapped out of his trance and looked over as his friend walked up and accepted his diploma, waving to the crowd.
“Katie Nelson!”
Katie walked up with a big smile on her face, Amerigo could see boys going red from infatuation of her, others digging their eyes into him with jealousy, he ignored it, never being the type of person to concern himself with such petty things.
“Omar Witherspoon!”
Omar walked up, with a smile on his face as well, Amerigo noticed quite a few of the businessmen gave standing ovations to him. He smiled thinking back to how hard Omar had always worked, and applauded thinking that Omar deserved the extra benefits.
“Amerigo Ballo!”
Amerigo walked up waving to the crowd with a smile on his face, even though in reality he wasn’t at all happy. He turned to Principal Keith who handed him his diploma. Keith put his arm around Amerigo and the two turned to face the crowd. A photographer took their picture, and then Amerigo went to stand with the other students who had received their diplomas. Once that was done there was a party, but Amerigo not really in the mood to celebrate, simply got a bite to eat from the table, said goodbye to his friends, and went outside where the limo was waiting for him.

“Hello master Amerigo. Its time for us to leave.” Crawford, his butler, said with a bow.

“I know.” He replied quietly as he looked back at the school he loved so much.
At that moment he sensed that he was being watched. He looked up onto the top of the building and saw an odd figure standing there looking down on him. It was definitely not a human, but something about it seemed to convey that it was sentient. The figure was hard to see with the sun directly behind it and it being draped in a cloak, but he could make it out. It was the size of a tall man, and was pale. Its chest was purple and it had a tail.

Then all of a sudden he heard a voice in his head, “Hello boy, I am Mewtwo. I have come here to deliver to you a message. My comrades, the other legendary pokemon, and myself need you to stop a great threat that has begun its decent upon our world. We by accident turned one of our peers into a servant of darkness. You know him as Lugia.”

His mind raced. Something itched in the back of his mind like he had heard something about it; it was in the news or in the paper. Finally he remembered, the whole war in the Orre region, that strange Cipher Team that had found a way to darken a Pokemon’s heart. Worst of all, they had transformed the legendary Lugia. “But wasn’t the dark Lugia purified?” he asked in confusion.

“Yes, but you see a new organization has arisen and when we tried to fight them disaster struck. They had built a machine that can make shadow pokemon ten times more powerful than the original ones Cipher used, and after much research we determined that the only one who can stop them is you. All will be revealed in time, but for now remain on your guard. We don’t know how long it will be before they discover your whereabouts.”

“Who are they?”
“They call themselves Rebirth. So far they haven’t made any major moves, but rumors of them have begun spreading around, and the news is not good. I must go now, but I guarantee you we will meet again, farewell.”

“Wait, I have so many more questions!”

But in an instant he was gone.
“Master Amerigo we really need to get going.”

“Oh sorry. I’ll be right there. Hey wait a minute was I just speaking telepathically? I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Maybe Mewtwo was right about these supposed powers of mine, but I wonder how I got them.”

Amerigo thought deeply about his encounter with Mewtwo as he went to the funeral, and was sure that indeed he would meet Mewtwo again.”

{::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::}

“We’re here.” Crawford said, stepping out of the car and opening Amerigo’s door.

“Good. Well…let’s go.”

The two had arrived at a large shrine, which was the burial site for members of Amerigo’s family. He and the butler walked up the long stairway to reach the site. It was set on the Mt. Chimney mountainside, opposite of Lavaridge. When they reached the top they saw it. It was a marble building set in the mountain and from the outside appeared no larger than a garage, but there was a large amount of rooms, corridors, and hallways, making the whole thing the equivalent of a labyrinth, and the knowledge that you were surrounded by the dead made the mood there all the worse. Outside was a large circular space on, which were many chairs. Some of the family members and friends had already arrived dressed in black, and mourning the loss of the great man they all loved, and admired. Amerigo and Crawford sat down, waiting for the rest of the guests to arrive.

“Hello, Amerigo? The departed man’s son?” Asked a man dressed in a black suit.
Amerigo recognized him as Joey the Hitter. He was one of his father’s old friends and used to work as in the Baseball League, but was now retired, but he still kept the old nickname.

“Yes, what of it?”

“I need to speak with you. Preferably alone.”

“Very well.”

Amerigo rose from his seat and walked with the man away from the crowd.

“What I’m about to tell you may and probably will shock you. The reason I’m telling you this is because your father was going to once you graduated, but now that he’s passed away that obviously can’t happen…you were kind of…adopted.”

“What!” he said in shock.

“Its true. I once worked with your father in the army. We were comrades, and at the same time good friends. One day we were on a scouting mission of an enemy controlled area on the side of an active volcano, much like this one. We came across a suspicious looking cave. We thought it was an enemy camp, so we called for back up. Soon after, the rest of our squad arrived and we entered, having no idea what we were about to find.”
“After walking for what seemed an eternity we found ourselves in some kind of temple. We continued walking many of us scared out of our minds that at any moment the enemy would attack, but we kept walking and once we reached the other side of the room we saw it. A large statue of some kind of huge fire pokemon, and there in its arms was a torch kinda like the one at the pokemon league, and there in the middle of it…was you.”
“We slowly approached, and then something happened. You woke up, and although you were completely immersed in flames your body didn’t burn. You didn’t mind them in the least. And you looked at us with the innocence of a child. It was like something none of us had ever seen before, or would again. And like a baby, you crawled out of the torch and then began hugging your father’s leg. From that day forward you were his son, but all of us knew the dark secret behind your past, and that whatever you are, it isn’t human.”

Amerigo stood in complete shock at those words, unable to respond. What he had just heard sounded like something out of the movies, but as he looked into the man’s eyes he could tell he was telling the truth.

“Lastly, I should mention that Neil was also there. He had been in the army to pay for law school, which is how he met your father. The three of us can discuss this more at the will reading, but for now lets go sit down so that the funeral can start.”

Amerigo just barely managed to say, “Uhh, okay.”

And with that the two of them took their seats.

The funeral began with the coffin being carried up the steps. It was set down in front of everyone so that they could look at it. A band played trumpets, as a military man walked forward and handed Amerigo a flag, and a framed certificate of his father’s bravery. Everyone in the crowd cried, as the coffin was once again picked up and then carried into the shrine.

After this was done various people went up to a podium that stood in front of the crowd and gave speeches about the man they all cared so much about.

Amerigo’s was short and simple, “He-hello everyone. Most of you know me, but for those of you who don’t I am…the son of Mr. Leonardo Ballo. Although he and I were not connected by blood, we did share the bond that comes from father to son and vice versa. I loved him very much, as I hope you do, but believe that he would not like for all of us to wallow in our sadness. Instead he would desire for us to pick ourselves up and move on with our lives. That said I still hope that he won’t be forgotten, and that his actions, and the lessons he has given us will be remembered throughout our lives and passed on to others that may use them as well. Thank you.”
Amerigo took his seat, many in the crowd crying at his words.

And finally after all the speeches were done, a reception was held so that everyone could talk, and discuss with each other their relation to the man. Amerigo merely sat in a corner slowly nibbling at a plate of food he had in his lap, as he thought about everything that had happened to him in the last few days. People stared at him, and many tried talking to him.

“I feel so sorry for you, if there’s anything I can do to help, just ask.” Said one woman.

“I’ll be fine, but thank you for your generosity.” He replied.

And finally a few hours later it was over. Crawford drove Amerigo to the family estate where his father’s will would be read, and where his future would be determined.

 

[katiekitten]

...Sorry for not beta reading this time. I got too busy.

'Tis good! You are getting better, slowly but surely. =D

A few points...

With the cloaked figure, it would be better if you didn't tell us it was Mewtwo. Let us guess, through a gentle bout of description. And perhaps have his cloak fully cover him so he looks like a man. XD You could make his face thrown into shadow, with his eyes only faintly visible. Other than that, that bit was quite good. =D

One last thing: ...I don't think Mewtwo would admit that the legendaries made a mistake so easily. And as he was the one who disagreed before, you could make him sceptical, have him deliver his message bluntly/crypticaly. It would tie it in a little more with the beginning. =D

 

[Yami Ryu]

This still feels rushed and flat though, on the emotional front.

Amerigo rubbed his girlfriends back to comfort her before saying, “Katie, we’ll meet again I promise.”

With that he walked into class for the final time.

The next day Amerigo stood on the stage with all the other graduates, looking into the eyes of the parents of the kids he was so jealous of. After he received his diploma and a few awards and scholarships he said goodbye to all his friends, and after taking some time to come to terms with the fact that he would never return, walked out of the doors for the last time

And don't stack scentences and paragraphs to try and make it look like you wrote more, that's another no-no.

I suggest taking time when you do emotional scenes as they don't seem to be your forte, as the death scene, the revelation of what Amerigo is and the part where Amerigo was leaving his friends and girlfriend felt stiff and forced.

And just one more thing concernting the GF bit;

Amerigo rubbed his girlfriends back to comfort her before saying, “Katie, we’ll meet again I promise.”

Phones, email and letters don't exist?

Then all of a sudden he heard a voice in his head, “Hello boy, I am Mewtwo. I have come here to deliver to you a message. My comrades, the other legendary pokemon, and me need you to stop a great threat that has begun its decent upon our world. We by accident turned one of our peers into a servant of darkness. You know him as Lugia.”

... oooh k. Seriously, out of the blue Mewtwo randomly contacts him, gives him information and HE DOES NOT FREAK OUT AT RANDOM VOICE TALKING TO HIM?

I'm sorry, but this is just still bad. This still reeks of mary sue, and beta'd or not, you need to put effort into this Torkoal.

 

[Torkoal]

Okay, I did some editing to try and get rid of the problems mentioned by KK and Yami Ryu.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Sorry but slight editing isn't going to fix your problem, outside of a rewrite, the problems I pointed out still exist. Simply editing won't fix what is pointed out :/ concentrate on fixing/solving it in the next chapter.

 

[katiekitten]

*hugs Yami*

>.>;;

XD

A bit better, but you do kinda state the obvious a little. What you need to try and do is imply that Mewtwo disagreed, instead of having him come out and say it. Sarcasm, and doubt can be shown through body language, the way he speaks, the words he chooses... ectra.

To go into a little more detail...

On the description and picking up a little on what Tezza said. =D

It was a marble building set in the mountain and from the outside appeared no larger than a garage, but there was a large amount of rooms, corridors, and hallways, making the whole thing the equivalent of a labyrinth, and the knowledge that you were surrounded by the dead didn’t exactly help the mood of the place. Outside was a large circular space on, which were many chairs. Some of the family members and friends had already arrived dressed in black, and mourning the loss of the great man they all loved, and admired.

Here, you are trying to set a solomn scene. Description is a good way to do it, but you have to use the right sort of language. Dark, sad words, sad sentences, sad word combinations. The bolded part, while good, doesn't really fit in with the situation. First, it is kinda a personal comment, a comment you'd expect a narrator of character to say. But with third person, you are not a character, you are describing a character. And second, it doesn't really fit in with the mood, you know?

But that is just my opinion. :x

The description is a bit listed, but it is only a little, so it isn't really a problem, although I'd prefer it if you'd find another way of putting it. On creating an atmosphere... It's something that comes with time. The only advise I can give you there is to read your heart out. XD

And now the reason for the random hug! XD

Like Yami said, you might want to try and put more emotions into the piece. I'm happy to see that you've taken my advice on not revealing Mewtwo, but you need him to be more surprised when he first hears the voice. Will he think it's outloud? Will it take him a while to realise it is in his head? Will he freak? Will he think he's gone crazy? If so, how will Mewtwo calm him? How will Mewtwo get him to believe what he is saying? What would the limo driver think about his charge staring randomly ino space, talking to the air/moving his lips noiselessly?

And later on, when he realises that he has been adopted. How would he feel? Angry? Will he not believe it? Will he feel suspicious? Sad? Confused? Curious? Would he ask where it was, and decide to go there to try and find his origin? And the questions go on. I know that if I figured out I was adopted, I'd be pretty upset. I'd want answers, I'd want to know why I was abandoned and who were my parents. I'd be angry at my fatehr for never telling me. The guy he is talking to would be sympathetic, and a little wary, if he knows what is good for him. Nobody takes that sort of news lightly.

When he leaves his girlfriend, he would probably cling to her, kiss her, hug her, for if he really loved her he wouldn't want to leave. He'd feel regret.

If he's graduating, why isn't he? Or is she younger than him?

I think that perhaps you revealed the main plot too fast. You could have Mewtwo be there, but how about just being this odd person who watches him then dissapears? With what I said earlier, you could have him search for the place he was born, and find the answer, plus more.

...I'd have thought that his father woukd have told hiim, or something. Someone on the expidition would have leaked it to the press, or something. It's a little too odd a thing to not be noticed. The neighbours, atleast, would have wondered. Does he have a mother? A fake one, I mean. Even if he did, people would still wonder where he sprung from if she wasn't pregnant.

There are a lot of questions, but they can be easily answered. =D

Sorry once again for not Beta reading, I'll try and be there for the next chapter. =D

 

[Torkoal]

Chapter 2: Where there’s a Will there’s a way
The limousine drove up to the gate, which in an almost majestic way opened revealing the heavenly sight of the mansion and enormous surrounding estate. It was spring and the garden was at its most beautiful. The cherry trees were blooming and were a beautiful pink, and the flowerbeds seemed to be something right out of your dreams. Pokemon of all kinds roamed and grazed on the lawn; from dignified Stantler, to lovely Beautifly.

However the mansion itself topped it all. The place was a castle fit for; designed for, and used for making kings feel at home. It was painted white and sparkled like a jewel in the afternoon sun. The castle was huge standing tall enough that from the highest tower, one could see for miles unimpaired. None of this splendor however could lift Amerigo’s spirits.

The limo came to a halt at the front door, and just like the gate, but on a much larger scale, the huge wooden doors opened as if they were calling Amerigo into their spectacular embrace.

The two walked through an entry way bigger than most houses; the ceiling at least a hundred feet above their heads, and their feet walking on only the softest of carpet. Beautiful murals covered the walls, and statues sat on pedestals in varying points of the grand entry. The two then reached a huge staircase. It was made of white marble smooth and like everything else, exquisitely crafted.

They walked up and made a left at the landing. Continuing they made their way through hallway after hallway until they reached a large door made of gold. Amerigo pushed it open, and inside was the castle’s library. It was the bookworm’s dreamland. Floors and floors of books, ancient tombs of knowledge covered the room. It was a cylinder with a spiral staircase leading up to each floor. There were also corridors extending out in many directions to make room for even more books. In the center was a large round table with many chairs.

Opposite Amerigo and Crawford sat Neil wearing a look of professionalism on his face as he always did when Amerigo saw him, but just as with his voice on the phone call, there was a hint of sadness about him. There were various other people already sitting at the table. All of them focused their gazes on Amerigo. He sat down and gazed around at the people sitting at the table. He recognized most of them, and was able to figure out who the others were.

There was his family members which included his brother and two sisters, his aunts, uncles, and cousins, and his two surviving grandparents; also many of his fathers friends were seated, most of them his buddies from when he was in the army, so they were all in uniform; finally on the far side of the table opposite of Amerigo of course was Neil. Mr. Johnson stood up and took a few moments to look at each person individually. Amerigo could feel the sorrow in his eyes when he looked at him, but also the strong sense of duty he felt at his job and to the man he was so close to, and what he had to do for him. With that he spoke. “Family. Friends. We are gathered here today to read the will of Leonardo Marcello Ballo. I will now read that document to you, and bestow upon those designated in the document the items specified. Ahem,

“Dear family and friends, as you are all aware I have gathered many assets in my lifetime, which after much contemplation I have decided the inheritors there of. My son Orlando, as the eldest of all my children you always had the most responsibility, and you held up to my expectations, and even exceeded them, so to you I bestow my company. My eldest daughter Elena, you were always strong, and I believe we had a good relationship, even having fun together, although you would never admit it; to you I bestow all my estates in the hope that you will use them wisely. My dear son Amerigo, you were always jealous of your brother, thinking that you had to be as good as him, but I tell you that you have you own talents, and I believe that you will succeed in life, so onto you I bestow all of my gear, technology, and other equipment in the hopes that it will aid you in your journeys as a pokemon trainer. You will also receive one copy of all items that the company produces, and finally, I bestow upon you custody of all of my beloved pokemon. Take care of them…”

The will was very long and the reading went on for quite some time, until the last part, which Amerigo would never forget. “And lastly to all of my family members I will bestow two final things, first you all will receive an equal amount of my financial assets, with decisions on how to split it left up to Neil, and finally one piece of advice, always trust your instincts.”

Everyone got up from his or her chairs, some people more pleased than others, but most of them agreed that Valentino had made the right choices in choosing who he bestowed his wealth to, Amerigo among them. Neil walked up to him and said, “Amerigo, there’s something else you should know. There’s one other thing your father wanted me to give you. Meet me outside, after everyone else has left. He simply replied, “Okay.” in a rather confused voice. He then remembered the one other thing he had to do. He turned to the man who had been by his side the whole time, “Salvatore, what will you do now? Do you want to come with me?”

“Master Amerigo I’ve been your caretaker ever since you were born, I changed your diapers when you were a baby, and have always been by your side, but no, I can’t come with you. You are undertaking a journey that I cannot follow you on. As for me, I’ll be here acting as butler for this estate, but if you find that this is not the life for you, and decide to return, I shall once again take up the position of being your caretaker,”
“…Thank you, and you know… you’re not just my caretaker, you’re my friend, and I shall never forget you. Until we meet again.” Amerigo said as he walked away and waved.

In a wise voice he replied, “I’m sure we will, I’m sure we will.”

 

[Torkoal]

Chapter 3: Tech Galore
Amerigo looked around. He remembered that Neil had told him to meet him outside after everyone else had left. Suddenly the grand wooden doors began to open and almost slyly Neil emerged, the huge doors dwarfing his stature. He calmly walked down the stairs that led up to and down from the doors, all the while staring at Amerigo then when he reached the bottom he simply turned and signaled for Amerigo to follow. They walked for a while until they finally reached the back yard, he kept going leading Amerigo into a large complex of buildings, and Amerigo knew immediately what he was here for. At his graduation, he had wondered why he didn’t receive a starting pokemon like all the others, he realized now why. Neil had brought him to the stables, where all of his father’s pokemon were kept, and many of those pokemon had, had children, in some cases, even starting families.
Neil finally opened his mouth and spoke, “I believe you know why you’re here. It was one of your father’s wishes that you choose the child of one of his pokemon to become your starter. Even though he is no longer alive, I mean to make sure that his wishes are met. So I have brought you here to choose one of these pokemon to become your own.”
Amerigo looked around, instinctively knowing which one he would pick, and he found it. In one corner sat a large orange dragon curled up, along with a few others including one that was noticeably bigger than the rest. He walked up to the huge one and patted its nose. It liked this purring almost like a cat. He then walked over to the one that was curled up, and looked at what it was curled up around. It was an egg, which was glowing.
Neil walked up behind him and putting his arm on his shoulder said, “I had a feeling you would choose that one. It’s close to hatching.”
Amerigo bent down and looked at the one curled up around it. The orange dragon looked at the large one, which nodded and it signaled that he could pick up the egg. As soon as Amerigo picked it up he felt an odd sensation. He felt like he was bonded to the tiny creature inside, and at the same time the light around it, which was previously white turned red and then in his arms the egg morphed into a small red lizard. It opened its beautiful green eyes and stared at him. Amerigo felt love for the creature and hugged it. The two orange dragon creatures looked at each other, and nodded.
“Well Amerigo its official, you are a pokemon trainer. Now that that’s done I need to give you the stuff you inherited from your father.”
“Hmm? Oh, right. Well, where is it?” I actually have it all right here. I knew we would be coming here so I stashed it away.”
Neil looked around to see that nobody was watching and removed a pile of hay, revealing a trap door. He opened it and with all of his might pulled out a huge box. He set it on the floor and opened it revealing a menagerie of items, including a large number of pokeballs of different kinds, some Full Restores, Max Potions, Calcium, Carbos, HP Up, Iron, PP Up, Protein, and many other items, but one in particular caught his eye. It was an odd little device. It looked like silly putty, but had lights on it, and an antennae sticking out as well. Amerigo picked it up, and began to fiddle with the odd piece of equipment.
Neil, worrying that he would accidentally break the state of the art piece of technology spoke up, “That’s a Pokemon Translator. People had been trying to make these for a very long time, but it wasn’t until recently that they finally succeeded. Put it in your ear, and it will translate pokemon speech into our language. Go on, try it out.”
Amerigo placed the cone part in his ear, and then something odd happened. The huge, old Charizard roared, and Amerigo heard it say, “So…tired.”
“Holy ****! What the hell was that?!”
“So, do you like it?”
“It’s great! I’m definitely keeping this thing.”
“Good, but that’s not the only thing you’re getting.”
Neil bent down and rummaged through the box, until pulling out what looked like the hilt and guard of a sword.
Amerigo, a bit nervous at the sight of this odd, and slightly frightening contraption asked, “Uhh, what is that?”
“Neil sighed, before saying, “It’s a weapon we had made after receiving an report about an organization that apparently call themselves Rebirth. The report stated that they were making shadow pokemon, and that the only way they had to stop them was you, but that they needed for us to make a device that could harness your power. We used your DNA to create this. Grab a hold of it and you’ll see what I mean.”
Amerigo, still very weary slowly reached out his hand and grabbed the device. The hilt was almost squishy to the touch, and as soon as Amerigo touched it, he could feel something happening. Then a blade made of red energy shot out of the guard.
“What is this thing?”
“The blade only appears when you are holding it. It has a DNA scanner in the hilt that activates it when you touch it. We researched the process by which Giga Drain absorbs energy and incorporated it into the hilt. It absorbs your energy and turns it into the blade. Now, there’s one other thing you should see.”
Neil took out a very odd looking device. It was sort of like a searchlight, but smaller and it pointed straight up. Neil flipped a switch and the thing turned on. A stream of black energy shot out of the lens into the sky.
“We used this thing during the testing to create the sword. Now, use the blade to slash through that stream and you’ll understand what it was meant to do.”
Amerigo put the blade of the sword into the dark energy. As soon as he did he felt a sharp jolt run through his body that caused him to flinch. When he opened his eyes he saw that in the place where the sword was the energy had changed color, like when an object is put in front of a light and everything behind it is black, but this time, the energy above the sword was white.
“The energy you put that sword into is the same energy used to make shadow pokemon, but that sword has the ability to purify it. When we tested it on a shadow pokemon, we found that it purified them as well, without harming them, however the purification only works if the target is weak enough to be affected by it. In other words, just as how a pokeball won’t catch a strong pokemon, this sword can’t purify a strong Shadow Pokemon, which means you’ll have to beat them in a pokemon battle first. Now there is one other thing I have to give you, that will help you.”
Neil took out a syringe.
“The last thing the report told us was that the new shadow pokemon were ten times stronger than the normal ones, however we found a way to combat this. Your DNA has the same effect on fire pokemon. Therefore I believe that if I were to inject your blood into your Charmander it would multiply its power tenfold, however if you aren’t willing to do it I’ll understand.”
“…Will it have any negative effects? I don’t want my pokemon to be brainwashed or something.”
“We don’t know, but it may be the only way.”
“…I’ll do it if Charmander will.”
Amerigo called over Charmander, who was sleeping on a pile of hay.
“Charmander, I’m going to be trying to save the world while we’re on our journey together, but I think the only way to do that would be to inject you with some of my blood. I don’t know what will happen to you, but it may be the only way. Even so, I won’t do it if you don’t want to, so?
Charmander sat in Amerigo’s lap looking at him, pondering the information he had just received. He thought it over until replying, “Okay.”
Amerigo looked at him, and hugged him tight, before looking up at Neil with tears in his eyes, and saying, “He agreed.”
“Very well, pull up your sleeve.”
Amerigo pulled it up, and Neil stuck the needle into his arm, Amerigo grinded his teeth, trying to suppress the pain. Neil took out the blood, and then after treating Amerigo’s wound, injected the blood into Charmander. It gave a yelp at the pain, which caused the Charizards to come over worried about it. After Neil removed the needle, everyone stared at Charmander worried about what might happen. Charmander sat up and smiled at everyone, but then something happened. It began to convulse, shaking wildly before eventually passing out. Everyone looked at each other, not knowing what would happen next.