Lost but Seeking
No worries. We chose not to put a word limit on entries, despite the fact that we knew people might run long with them. Yours is certainly not the longest entry we've seen since we started doing contests here.
*Hugs back* Thanks for that It really did make me feel better. I was just worrying since I was wondering if what I did was selfish since I hadn't thought about how much time and work the judges would ahve to do in reading and re-reading everything multiple times and offering their critique. I've also been kinda dreading the results since I realize the mistakes I made and have been worrying about how hard I'm going to get nailed for them XD I guess there's no use crying over it now, but to just leave it into their hands.Yeah. And it's not like some of us had not the plans to write heavier or longer entries as well, I know I had to prune some things at least
it just... sometimes it does work out, as it might happen in your case; sometimes it just doesn't. All in all that you were able to actually push it says something.
And good luck with your writing, don't let "perfect hindsight" get to you! *hugs*
And thanks for that too I realized that mine wasn't as long as Chozo's for the HGSS contest, but that it did come pretty close.Negrek said:No worries. We chose not to put a word limit on entries, despite the fact that we knew people might run long with them. Yours is certainly not the longest entry we've seen since we started doing contests here.
I'll be there until February 8th. Apparently the place does have internet, though, so I should be able to post the results while I'm there.Just wondering, Dragonfree, how long is Florida vacation? And if you're on vacation will someone else be able to inform us when Psychic is done?
“Thus, when explorers found this place, they can only confirm that Mt. Pyre is nothing more but a mountain of many dead humans and pokemon, after learning the history of Pyre City. Two thousand years after the discovery of the mountain, it becomes the Mt. Pyre of today. The location of the two orbs that I oath to protect.” With the cloudy sky covering the peak of the mountain, the Vet cuts out the inner chains within him.A great bloody battle is quickly arriving between three factions. Lancers of Reshiram. Guardians of Groudon. Followers of Kyogre. No thanks to their war, my people were caught in between. It’s like the war that happened in Cameron Palace. Try as we can to not get involved in their battles, all three factions fight over our mountainous city. It is here that the three factions discovered our secret that they called a stain by Arceus. Try as we could, my people … everyone died at their hands. Relanno and I suffered so much for something we never did to them. It’s until that they tried to kill me. Being the founder of this place, I lost almost my entire hope of living this life as I wane to the three powers. However, Relanno, my husband, took my place. I begged him not to do this. I can’t stop him from protecting me. When I see their weapons stab him in the chest together, my soul died painfully. My innocence, forever gone. Anger, my hatred to those factions awakened the darker and revengeful side of me. Power that I can only use if I have matured with the person I wholeheartedly trust. I call out my message of doom, my desire to avenge my beloved. I want those guys dead. I lust to hear their screams of pain and agony. My source of power, the millennium comet, will be the bane of the people who killed my people and my lover. As I look around, I ended one thousand human lives. Only seven homes are standing. Seeing the monster I’ve become, I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. I turned to a monster that will be feared by everyone. I have nothing left. As I finished this carving, I wrapped myself with my human husband’s dead body. It is the only thing that is protecting me. I returned on being a wish maker once more as I turned Relanno to my chrysalis cocoon. I wanted to be free from my responsibilities. But fate hits me back. Forever stuck in the cycle as the giver of energy to this planet. At least now, Relanno’s soul will always be with me –as a strong spirit living in my chrysalis cocoon- forever. As I finish writing this before I return to destiny, whoever finds my child, don’t let her face the same fate. For my daughter’s chosen mate, love her with everything you got. Don’t hesitate to make her bear your generation.
It's a bad sign when your reader stumbles over the very first sentence of your story; it has barely started when you fling us into a strange insertion whose slightly-off grammatical structure makes it hard to tell what's going on in it. I couldn't properly parse it as a description of Mt. Pyre until I'd stopped and reread it a couple of times. The core of your opening sentence is "In the peak of Mt. Pyre, two humans lament the loss of an innocent boy", which is simple, easy to understand and stands perfectly well on its own - the description of Mt. Pyre would be better off getting its own sentence than inserted awkwardly into the middle of one that isn't even really about Mt. Pyre. You also wouldn't generally talk about being "in" a peak, and when you say the fog blurred the sight of "many sharp eyed humans", you make it sound like there are many people there, making it confusing when there are actually just two.In the peak of Mt. Pyre –land of the dead with polished graveyard stones made out of Graveler rocks, misty fog blurring the sight of many sharp eyed humans, some cracked rocks that formed caves found near the entrance to the grave serving as home to the residing pokemon- two humans lament the loss of an innocent boy.
I assume by "Thankful that Tornadus is not present today" you're just saying she's glad it's not storming, in a roundabout way (after all, why would Tornadus be literally present in Hoenn and why would that be something people spend their time worrying about?). But that's exactly the problem: this roundaboutness makes it unnecessarily take a moment to piece together what you're talking about, and it interrupts the flow of the story. Why have her think of Tornadus instead of just directly of the weather?Thankful that Tornadus is not present today, she turns to the Veteran Trainer –in the 50s of age- dropping portions of his soul from his face to the gray stone of his son’s final cocoon.
Aside from how "rustic" is definitely not the word you're looking for, your weird grammar strikes again: he regains his composure "from" drying his tears? That should be something like "after" or "by" (I can't tell which you mean). "Draining out" is also a strange way to describe drying tears, the "out" shouldn't be there because you've got "out of" later, and yet again, by referring to his tears as "liquids", "rustic" or otherwise, you're unnecessarily obfuscating your actual meaning without adding anything.Dressed in a black tuxedo suit, black pants, dark leather shoes, and a plain white necktie, he slowly regains his composure from draining out the rustic liquids out of his purple eyes.
Here you inexplicably seem to refer to the man (or maybe his son?) as an "it", not once but twice. Then you say a loud scream is "akin to a young girl in extreme pain hinting some anger" - hinting some anger? "Hinting" is implying something without stating it outright - a loud scream isn't "hinting" anger, much less only "some" anger. I think you're trying to say it's a scream of pain with a hint of anger to it as well, but what you actually say is that the scream is like a girl who is hinting at some anger, and when we imagine a girl "hinting" at anger we definitely don't picture her screaming. The image is confusing and awkward.When it’s about to command its pokemon to use Signal Beam on the next group of plasma grunts, a loud scream –akin to a young girl in extreme pain hinting some anger- echoes all over the young man’s place.
Aside from the typo ("thought" when you mean "though"), you don't say something is "an astonishing awe for" somebody. Awe is an emotion - something can inspire awe, or the grunts can watch it in awe (even in astonished awe), but a thing can't be an awe. You can say uneasiness was "weighing on" him, but not just "weighing" - weighing without an accompanying preposition is assessing the weight of something. Then there's "parental father", which simply feels redundant and kind of ridiculous - you may be using "parental" to mean he's fatherly and not just a father, but "parental father" doesn't sound a lot less silly than the obviously awkward "fatherly father", and in any case if he's fatherly we should be able to see this in the story without you explicitly telling us he is in the narration.Thought it was an astonishing awe for the grunts, uneasiness weighs the parental father.
What does "running like a protective Latios" mean? Similes are meant to compare aspects of the unfamiliar thing you're describing to aspects of something familiar or otherwise easy to picture, but I'm drawing a blank as to what aspect of Latios I should be picturing and transferring onto this situation - is there some distinct manner in which Latios runs protectively alongside others, as opposed to anyone else? (Can Latios even run to begin with?) And they went "through" a tree? You probably mean towards, or past.Running like a protective Latios alongside his trusted eeveelution, they raced through the nearby tree.
becomes this:"Violet, would you please be a dearie and fetch me some Petcha Berries for dinner?" Her mom asked Violet that fateful day.
(It's also "Pecha Berries," not "Petcha Berries.")"Violet, would you please be a dearie and fetch me some Petcha Berries for dinner?" her mom asked Violet that fateful day.
becomes this:"Your welcome, sweetie." She replied back, struck by surprise by what her daughter had just done.
"Your" should be "you're" here, because "your" is the possessive form of "you," while "you're" is a contraction of "you are." The full sentence should be "You are welcome...", so "you're" is the correct form to use in this case. And while we're here, "replied back" is redundant--you should just use "replied.""You're welcome, sweetie," she replied back, struck by surprise by what her daughter had just done.
...all the uses of "than" are incorrect. It should be:The Rattata again nodded its head. Violet than looked at the berry, and than back at the Rattata. She than boldly held the held the berry out to the Pokémon, gesturing for it to take it.
Those are the only two systemic problems that stood out to me; other than that, you have a scattering of errors that might be a result of misunderstanding or might just be typos. More diligent proofreading is all you can do to combat the latter; as for the former, you can try and learn grammar on your own through books or online guides. You may be able to pick up some of it just by reading a lot and getting used to how things ought to look. One way or another, you're ultimately just going to have to practice.The Rattata again nodded its head. Violet then looked at the berry, and then back at the Rattata. She then boldly held the held the berry out to the Pokémon, gesturing for it to take it.
I assume this is compared to today’s average family? Because it would stand to reason that if this is the first recorded human-Pokémon bond, other human families at the time would also be living in fear of Pokémon. Try to be a bit more specific.Now this family wasn't like your average family, for they feared Pokémon with their life.
"Yay!" exclaimed Lisa gleefully.
That's the "'Blah blah,' verbed Subject adverbially." construction, and you use it a lot in this piece. It's a bit awkward, and stands out like a sore thumb when you keep doing it over and over again. Generally speaking, though, you do fine in terms of grammar and punctuation, and aside from leaning a bit heavily on the adverbs, your prose is pretty clear and concise. I think you'd do well to include more narration in addition to your dialogue, if only so that we can learn a bit more about your characters through their actions in addition to what they actually say, but overall keeping things simple helps this read along pretty easily, which I appreciate."Volt Tackle? I think I've heard about that..." said Lisa thoughtfully.
That might be a little kludgy, but it doesn't stop the story outright to explain, it makes it clear that she's lip-syncing to telepathic speech and it even adds to the "mimicking humans is hard" angle by implying that people sometimes notice she has trouble with a lot of 'S' sounds close together (Grace, nice, see). I'm not sure what her trouble with sibilants might be or whether that's even a logical difficulty for her to have, but you get the idea and I'm sure you could come up with something suitable."Hi, Grace! Nice to see you!" I said, projecting my thoughts as clearly as I could and hoping my lips were in sync this time. I'd received enough funny looks to know I needed to be careful with that many sibilant sounds so close together.
That one is similar to your original text but is more relaxed, even with a bit of pride thrown in, and is more fun to read in general. Try experimenting with the conversational tone and see if you can have Latias's voice really shine through in the story she's telling."Hi, Grace! Nice to see you!" I said, and I even got all those 'S' sounds matched up right for once. It's not as easy as it looks, you know, projecting your thoughts out loud and trying to make the right shapes with your mouth at the same time, but I've just about got it down. Certainly better than that Latias I heard about who can mimic a human's appearance perfectly but can't say a single word.
That's just an absurd thing to think. There's also that weird bit where he's going on about how water-type pokémon all want to get hit by lightning because of some kind of deep-seated self-destructive drive. The shellder just kind of seemed to accept that when Mudkip said it, which makes it appear that that's actually a fact in your view of the pokémon world, but at least to me that seems like a pretty out there statement to be dropped in like it's common knowledge. Then there's the part where Mudkip decides he's not so similar to Seigi after all, but at that point it's too late to back out for some reason... just rather strange. If you were trying to indicate that we shouldn't trust Mudkip to have an accurate grasp of what's going on, these statements would be good indicators of that. However, if that's the case, I think you didn't do a good enough job of making that clear through other means.My heart, on the other hand, was so irresponsible that it couldn’t even show up on time for the sake of these slowpoke and shellder.
He presents his escape from the lab as an example of these attributes, but it doesn't seem all that reckless or impulsive to me. The way I understand things to have gone down, he'd been planning this for a while: he wanted to go to the ocean instead of going with a trainer, so he focused on learning survival skills rather than battling technique, came up with a plan to distract Rowan, and then put it into motion and fled. Jumping into the conflict between the slowpoke and the shellder is reckless, yes, but it's the opposite of self-interested, which is another thing Mudkip seems to think the two of them share. He mentions that neither of them has a problem hurting others to get what they want, which is true to some extent, but giving some torchic a bruising isn't quite on the same level as "blowing up an entire tribe of slowpoke." In general, Mudkip's analysis of his actions and motivations doesn't square with how I see the events of the story, and so his constant insistence that he's the same as Seigi grated on me. I think you could do a better job of showing us the character attributes you want us to pick up on through the way characters act during the story instead of talking about them in the narration--if you intend for Mudkip's assessment of himself to come across as accurate.I was reckless, impulsive and prone to not thinking through situations well, and apparently, so was this shellder.
It should be “tendency’s” since you’re trying to say “their tendency is.”They do it so that their self-destructive tendencies out of their system before they’re older.
You take literally eighteen words to say "not winter" (you aren't even being specific about which of the other three seasons it is!). Using more, fancier words does not make this sentence better--it really just looks like you're trying too hard. You're making things harder to understand, rather than easier. There's certainly a time for that in writing, but it's not appropriate here. At times, it gets bad enough that I can't even tell what you're talking about, like here:A certain man was attempting to coach a Druddigon, on a night sometime during a time of the year where the precipitation comes down in large drops as opposed to hexagonal flakes.
I really have no idea what's going on with everything beyond "by virtue." You're saying the bone is the same as the ones other cubone have because it's different than the ones marowak have? That's all I can get out of reading this, but that's just a weird thing to say.Dangling from an arm of the shivering creature is a worn bone, its density and composition common with most of the others such creatures would wield by virtue that the bone is inconsistent with those that the creature’s elder brethren would have.
That should be "craned," in order to put this fragment in the past tense rather than the present. And this is a fragment--another frequent problem in this piece. There are plenty of reasons why you might drop a sentence fragment into a story here and there, but they're just all over the place in this one; in particular, you're fond of the construction "[person] does something / [dialogue] / [Which/and] caused [fragment]." Just on the first page you have these two:An intimidating tricephalic form with six wings sprouting from its back covered in black false feathers that then turns on the Axew, craning its main head down to its level.
A young boy, perhaps 5 or 6 was eagerly playing with a toy truck.
"Vroom! Vroom! No mountain’s a match for these tires!"
Which elicited a bit of a sarcastic look from an elder boy...
In both cases, the third "sentence" is actually a fragment. Beyond the fragment problem, you should also be very wary of repeating the same construction over and over again like this--maybe you should look hard at other ways of incorporating dialogue into your story.A girl a few years younger than the elder son was then examining a music player.
"Well, your gift can’t be THAT good if it was just buried under the tree like-"
And had her remark cut off by an abrupt exclamation.
I'm not sure what effect you were going with by finishing all the sentences here with ellipses rather than periods, but for me, at least, it seems like things are kind of drifting, like they're taking place underwater or in slow motion.And reached out... Attempting to reassure the boy... Perhaps in a manner that had been done many times before in times of duress and grief in years before...
"The trainer least familiar with her surroundings?" Just call her "the new girl" or something. To some extent this is just a manifestation of you making things really convoluted where they should be simple, but it's particularly bad when you're referring to characters, because it makes figuring out who you're talking about a chore. You also have a weird tendency to use indefinite articles to refer to characters you've already introduced, as in these two examples:The trainer least familiar with her surroundings called upwards.
A young girl took in the scene with deep awe, following the craftsmanship of peoples long departed.
In both cases, you want "the" rather than "a" or "an"--"the young girl," "the upset druddigon"--because you've already introduced the characters. You're not talking about some unknown female druddigon: it's the same one as has been around for the entire story. Using "the" instead of "an" is a signal that we already know this character; the way you've written things now is confusing, because it's not always clear when you're actually introducing a new character and when you're talking about someone we've already met.An upset female Druddigon roared in the face of the exasperated boy.
You can leave the dialogue and remove the explanation, because the audience does not need the same thing explained twice. It gets repetitive and distracting.And an inquiry as to the nature of the training of a Pokémon rather uncommon amongst trainers of their age in their hometown.
“What’s the story with the Axew?”