• We are currently experiencing a flood of requests from bots scraping the forums. Unfortunately it has gotten to the point where it is negatively impacting the site. As a result the forums may be slow and you may periodically experiance an error message. We are aware of the problem and apologize for the inconvenience.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Into The Fire: Rise Of The Red Star (Revision 2, PG 15)

HK

Radiance of Shadows
Heh, bethca that you thought that I wasn't going to check out your story, eh, EC? Well, HK, and mind you, I'm going to stand by what my sig says. *Bows to the signature* Even though you and me have reviewed each other many times, I'm not going to pull any punches. :p

Also, before I begin, expect a review for that one-shot of yours pretty soon.

Well, yet another re-re-revision. Honestly dude, this is really starting to scare me. I mean, I know I'm doing a revision for my story, but I doubt that I'm going to keep on doing one. o.0 Oh well.

Well, dude, I have to say this about your story, or in this case, writing. To me dude, you have greatly improved on your vocabulary. Maybe I just didn't notice it before, but you have improved on your vaocabulary a helluva lot. So if I say a really negative comment in this review for one reason or another, remember that as a writer, you have matured.

Alright, I do have to pick on a few things, though. First off, and mentioned a few times by other reviewers, your characters. While it is still pretty damn early in the fic, you characters, to me, aren't that interesting. I don't mean any harm when saying that, but they just don't have a personality to keep me interested in. However, this isn't a problem with your Pokemon in the fic as much as your humans. Adam and George just don't really have a defined personality right now. I'm not going to encourage you to force them to have one, but I would like to be able to connect to the characters in some form or another, and I have yet to really feel like I'm able to.

Second, the overall plot. This actually wasn't as much as an issue in the previous revision, odd enough. I think what really brought life to your story were the interludes, as they gave off an ominous feeling, and it gave the story much more than the simple... trainer fic, or journey fic. Bah, I can never remember which one implies which... Now that was confusing. Anyway, while I know that your style is to keep the plot a mystery, I would like it if you were to include the interludes in some way; I really, really did like them.

Anyway, I can't comment on your spelling and grammar, as you know my track record of how I proof-read over my own. :p Your description is a bit lack-luster, despite your vastly improved vocabulary. I do advise you to try to devote more attention to detail, if possible.

Meh, despite my own little squables with the story, I still like it. I was starting to really get interested in it with the previous revision when you got up to Chapter 9, but I won't discuss it since that would belong to spoilers. I do hope that you take some advice into consideration, and I also hope that it helps you out. Well, until my next review or whatever the hell. Later.
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Well, yet another re-re-revision. Honestly dude, this is really starting to scare me. I mean, I know I'm doing a revision for my story, but I doubt that I'm going to keep on doing one. o.0 Oh well.
I know what ya mean... the reason I'm taking so long is 'cause these first chapters are kinda boring. And I've revised them before. Twice.

Second, the overall plot. This actually wasn't as much as an issue in the previous revision, odd enough. I think what really brought life to your story were the interludes, as they gave off an ominous feeling, and it gave the story much more than the simple... trainer fic, or journey fic. Bah, I can never remember which one implies which... Now that was confusing. Anyway, while I know that your style is to keep the plot a mystery, I would like it if you were to include the interludes in some way; I really, really did like them.
Don't worry, they are still here, but they contain much more, and happen every 5 chapters. I couldn't abandon them anyways, they're vital to the plot. Without the later ones, stff would be O_O confusing.

Cheers for the review HK, you finally got me to start on Chapter 5, which is going quite well now. 'Till later then :)
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
I'd actually finished this last night, but because of a brief spot of downtime I couldn't post it. Well, here it is anyway.

~Chapter Five: The Seventh Sin~

Light filtered through the trees on to the young trainers faces, waking them slowly from their slumber. Adam was the first up, groaning slightly as his back protested. Stretching and yawning loudly he woke Charmander up, though George and the indignant Totodile stayed slumbering. Looking around drowsily, Adam searched for the signs of some stream or pool to wash and drink from. Mentally, he corrected himself; it’d probably be more sanitary to take the drink first. He grabbed his small chrome hipflask, and pulled on his trainers.

"Hey Charmander, do you want to come and get some water?" he asked, looking down at the black reptile, who nodded lazily as he warmed himself with his tail flame.

So they set off into the sparse foliage of Petalburg woods, guided by the faint rush of water. Charmander lagged behind however, sniggering lightly as stray thought of Totodile puffing up her chest angrily strafed across his mind. Eventually, he burst out in full hysterics, rolling on the damp mossy floor, trying not to choke on his own tongue.

"Charmander, you do know it’s dangerous to eat strange plants, right?” queried Adam, sighing slightly as this prompted further laughing.

Deciding that Charmander was probably incapable of proper movement, Adam picked him up carefully, passing his flask to his pocket. Rolling his eyes, Adam continued towards the sound of trickling water, stepping carefully through the dew soaked grass. He could tell they were getting closer, as he saw an increasing amount of drooping willow trees around him. Suddenly, his foot caught a snaring root, and he fell flat on his face. Unluckily for Charmander, he was hurled forwards. Right through the veil of catkins, and into the stream.

It wasn’t a particularly large stream; it was only a foot or so deep, and about two meters across. The slow, trickle of water was eclipsed by the thick canopy above, the only light streaming through the gently swaying catkins. All in all, it would have been rather peaceful if it wasn’t for the small, cursing salamander wading to the shore. His tail steamed as he went, though it finally reignited with a whooshing sound as he clambered onto the mossy rocks around him.

-“At least I found the stream,”- said Charmander bitterly, wincing in pain.

“Yep. It’s lucky you didn’t do something silly like churning up the mud at the bottom too,” remarked Adam levelly, carefully filling his bottle upstream from the accident.

-“Still, looking on the bright side, I’ll be more resistant to puny water attacks now,”- laughed Charmander happily, forgetting his sorrows with daydreams of fame and glory.

After a few minutes of walking, the two made their way back to the camp, occasionally getting lost as there were no paths in that area of the woods. Once they did get back however, they saw that George and Totodile had woken up, and had packed the tent and the rest of their stuff up.

“There you are!” yelled George, running up to Adam and tossing his bag at him. “Shall we get going then?”

“Yeah, unless of course Charmander feels the need to dive into another stream,” answered Adam, hoisting his bag high on his shoulder.

So the four set off from their protective glade and onto the well traveled cobblestone path that lead to Rustborough. George admired the landscape as they passed, whilst Adam just trudged on, wondering silently about the Rustborough Gym. This was probably why it was George that spotted the tuft of beige fur nestled comfortably in the treetops. As he examined it further, it became clear to George that it wasn’t fur at all, but a flat pokémon nesting above. He could tell by the long, hooked claws that gripped from the spindly limbs, able to slash effortlessly at passers by. This pokémon did seem quite dozy, now George thought about it; the eyes were surrounded by red rings, like someone with a fatal case of insomnia.

“Adam, come here! I’ve found a Slakoth!” exclaimed George, unable to contain his excitement.

“Yes, if you don’t rush he might zoom off,” sighed Adam sarcastically, trotting casually back to were George had stationed himself.

With a glower at his friend, George climbed the tree, carrying his playful Totodile with him under one of his arms. Seeing the pair, the disgruntled Slakoth gave a half-hearted swipe in their direction, sending Charmander into fits of hysterical laughter at the ‘Pathetic pokémon’ as he called it. Leaping out of George’s arms, Totodile started to dance tetchily around the Slakoth, annoyed at the unprovoked attack.

-“Hey! You can’t just assault me!”-

“Yeah, only we can do that,” agreed a voice from below.

“Water Gun I guess,” said George, ignoring his friend’s commentary.

Complying, Totodile blasted the Slakoth from his perch with a stream of icy cold water. Groaning in annoyance, the sloth tumbled down, hitting the ground in an explosion of dust. Grinning, George tossed a pokéball at the unconscious Slakoth, happy with his success. The ball wobbled slightly in the damp grass, before giving off a loud ‘Ping!’

“Yeah! I caught a Slakoth, I caught a Slakoth, I…” chanted George happily from the tree.

“The question is, why?” asked Adam.

“Your just jealous,” said George haughtily, jumping down from the tree, and crashing into a damp spiky bush.

-“Oh the hilarity!”- spluttered Charmander, grinning manically at Totodile.

After a brief pause, Adam set off, followed by George, Totodile and finally a giggling Charmander. The resumed stroll through Petalburg forest was quite pleasant, the flowers glistening in the early sun, and plump Swellow serenading their passing joyfully. Even the path became better cared for as they neared the city, and the gang even passed grumpy workmen in overalls in the middle of repair work.

Suddenly a harsh scream of pain cut across the birdsong. Instinctively rushing towards the noise they saw a small clearing with two even smaller boys facing off against each other. One of them was the kid they’d seen with his Solrock on the beach, still dressed in his grubby outfit, and the other was a green clad camper with dark messy hair. A small dog pokémon was biting into a screaming Solrock. Her back was covered in dark messy fur, which parted lower down to reveal well muscled grey legs glossy with perspiration. Her head was sleek and pointed, with a small mouth full of sharp yellowing teeth. Said Poochyena growled menacingly at the back of her throat as she leapt off the Solrock, ready to strike again. Adam remembered seeing similar Poochyena around Petalburg park often, tumbling merrily around in the grass or chasing bugs in the grass.

The young kid from the beach was cursing, yelling orders at Solrock with frantic determination. All this did was confuse Solrock, making it even more vulnerable against the dark type. A small trickle of golden blood was trickling slowly from one of its bite wounds, and Solrock seemed to have trouble levitating too.

That puppy thinks she’s so cool… picking on that lump of rock, I’ll show it how you battle, thought Charmander, stepping between the two pokémon with a happy grin on it’s face.

Shaking his head at Charmander’s heroic behaviour, Adam made the hasty decision that he should probably help out, even if he thought it was a bad idea.


“Charmander, use Ember on her face, if you must,” sighed Adam.

Nodding, Charmander opened his mouth before sending a stream of burning embers at Poochyena’s face. Enraged, the pokémon charged at Charmander, biting his smooth reptilian skin with her sharp row of yellow fangs.

“Now, try and scratch her underbelly,” said Adam, wincing as he saw the pain shoot through Charmander.

Reaching out with his short arm, Charmander scratched the Poochyena’s underbelly again and again, as his foe squealed in pain. After a few scratch attacks the Poochyena fled with her tail between her legs back to a now furious camper. Before anyone else could move he charged over to Adam in a huff.

“You idiots! You can’t stop a pokémon battle in the middle!” he screamed at Adam and Charmander, before turning to the Solrock’s trainer. “You chicken! Can’t even finish a battle! I’d of thought more of you Tom.”

“I can see you’re not a very happy camper,” sniggered Adam.

With a scream of rage, the unhappy camper stormed off, his Poochyena bounding after him, looking ashamed of herself. The other trainer, or Tom, seemed equally angry, returning his Solrock to its ball, and strode furiously from the battleground. But it seemed he couldn’t leave without yelling something either.

“You two have ruined my reputation, my chance of getting into Team Magma! You’ll pay for that! DON’T THINK YOU WON’T PAY!” he roared behind him, stumbling madly through the undergrowth towards the path.

“If this were a novel, I’d be shooting the author for that cliché,” muttered Adam.

Unfortunately, or luckily depending on which way you looked at it, nothing else eventful happened until they reached Rustborough, and by then it was midday. A huge arch rose over the road, printed with the message ‘Welcome to Rustborough’ in huge brown letters. There was a background of a bustling stone village - probably Rustborough a few hundred years ago – behind it, though it had probably been a bit dirtier, considering the only Houenn way of getting rid of rubbish. Rustborough, though now a city was still made mostly of stones and tiles, except of course the humungous Devon headquarters and the famous Tri-stadiums. Large concrete roads ran through the center of Rustborough,* but most of the land was pedestrians only paving, safe for all to roam.

The pair of trainers soon found the red dome of the pokécenter opposite the trainer school. It was larger than the one in Petalburg, and looked more modern too, slightly out of place in a city of stone, though the walls were stone clad up to the dome.

“Well, here we are,” announced George, walking through the automatic doors, yawning widely.

“Yep, better get Charmander healed up,” added Adam.

-“Yeah, and remind me never to do anything nice again,”- muttered Charmander, his spirits finally dampened.

Inside, the pokecénter’s walls were a cheerful orange, and the floor was covered in a spongy dark blue carpet. Wiping their feet on the rug, the pair walked up to the reception desk. The white-clad nurse was busy dealing with a tall, fair-haired girl, so the two leaned against the counter until she finally walked over.

“Hello, I’m nurse Joy. Can I see your injured pokémon?” she asked in a cheery voice.

“Sure,” they said together.

Adam placed Charmander and Totodile on the polished oak desk, whilst George fiddled around until he found Slakoth’s pokéball, and handed it over. The Nurse put the pokéball on a scanner, and examined Totodile and Charmander carefully using a number of strange tools.

“Your pokémon will be fine, please come back in an hour,” said the smiling nurse.

“Thanks,” said Adam, walking out of the pokécenter, stretching as he went.

“Thanks nurse Joy!” called George, following his friend into the outdoors.

After a lengthy discussion, George managed to persuade Adam to follow him to the Devon corporation building until their pokémon were healed, instead of checking out the library, which is what Adam would have preferred doing.

End of Chapter 5

*Like you can see in the anime, there are few roads/cars in the three regions. In Rustboro there’s one giant crossroads with small offshoots, most people use buses and trains.

I'll put up the menu in a minute, as well as the re-worked Chapter 4. See you all later :D
 
Last edited:
O

Olyon

Guest
A slakoth eh? Very interesting, thats a great idea to do! It will be really interesting finding out how George copes with it in battle, considering its laziness :p

This was a great chapter! I think your description is great and the characters are really developing well (like the happy, jokey attitude of Charmander). I found a couple of mistakes:

Said Poochyena growled menacingly at the back of her throat as she leapt off the Solrock, ready to strike again.

I'm not sure the "Said" should have been there, if it was, plz help me understand :p

And I noticed you spelt Rustboro as "Rustborough", I think its spelt Rustboro anyway...

Anyway I saw that u spelt Hoenn ans Houenn or some such word and thought that perhaps this spelling is deliberate. If it is, again, plz help me understand and ignore my comments.

Well done for this chap! I found it very enjoyable to read! :D
 

HK

Radiance of Shadows
Whoo... quick update I see, EC. Heh, that rhymed.

Flame: Whoa, you're really impressing my with your rhyming skills. Guess this morning that you forgot to take your pills.

-.- How about... no?

Flame: HK! You're a idiot!

Why?

Flame: "Pills" and "no" don't rhyme, dumbass!

-.- Anyway... onto the review.

Well, a slight filler chapter, IMO. Just that nothing truly exciting happened in this one. You did improve on showing personalities a lot more though, and this chapter I believe is your longest. No major mistakes that I saw, or perhaps I'm just being lazy. If I were you, I would pray that it is the former.

Description is getting to be a lot better. The Poochyena's description wasn't as good as it could've been, and the same with Slakoth, but your descriptions of Pokemon have certainly improved. The forest seen was funny as well, although I thought that if the flame went out on a Charmander, that said Charmander would die? Meh, bit confused there.

The personalities are coming out like I said, although this one focused a bit more on Adam. You seem to be trying to flesh out his personality, which is good. The Slakoth capture wasn't as important with me since I have read the original, and I knew that George was going to make that addition to his team. Although I do wonder... [SPOIL]Are you going to handle Slakoth's evolution the same as you did in the previous version, or is it going to be different?[/SPOIL]

Another question for ya: Was their trip to the Devon Corporation in the previous version? I'm sorry, my memory is bad at the moment.

Anyway, not exactly an entertaining chapter, but what makes up for it is that the interludes make a return, and you know how much I like your interludes. I do hope that they are longer, although like I've mentioned before, I'm a bit disappointed that you will only have the interludes every five chapters. Oh well, quality over quanitity I guess.

Well, until the next review or whatever the hell. Later.
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Description is getting to be a lot better. The Poochyena's description wasn't as good as it could've been, and the same with Slakoth, but your descriptions of Pokemon have certainly improved. The forest seen was funny as well, although I thought that if the flame went out on a Charmander, that said Charmander would die? Meh, bit confused there.
Yeah, his flame wasn't completely out, as heat was still being funnled there. Though it hurts to have the visible flame be put out, it can usually be re-ignited if the Charmander is strong enough.

Are you going to handle Slakoth's evolution the same as you did in the previous version, or is it going to be different?
Yeah, I think I will... I'm toying with a few different ideas at the moment, so nothing is certain.

Another question for ya: Was their trip to the Devon Corporation in the previous version? I'm sorry, my memory is bad at the moment.
Yeah, it was. Not exactly the most important scene ever, but it serves some purpose.

Said Poochyena growled menacingly at the back of her throat as she leapt off the Solrock, ready to strike again.
I'm not sure the "Said" should have been there, if it was, plz help me understand
Well, as I was talking about the Poochyena before I sais 'Said', it was appropriate as previously I was 'saying' stuff about it.

And I noticed you spelt Rustboro as "Rustborough", I think its spelt Rustboro anyway...
Yeah, it is... I keep forgetting that. I'll edit it out sometime. Thanks for finding the mistake Olyon :D

Well, thanks for reviewing HK and Olyon, I might have the Interlude up tonight... but I might not :p
 
M

mindripper

Guest
Ok. even though you told me not to say anything to you again, I just thought I would drop by.

I read a portion of your older stuff, and I can see where the lauded improvements come from. Generally, a good job with the story and characters thus far. I know that someone said that your story is not really developed, but I believe that some stories require longer intros, and that you will prob show a few more of your cards sooner rather than later.

Some grammar mistakes, and wrong usage of words, but I can understand what you are trying to put accross, so it's no biggie for me.

Nice use of interludes. Too many people fail to use them, and merely describe television progs (like in your fic) as part of the story, not paying attention to the fact that interludes are usually extremely useful.

The length of chapters is a bi short, but as long as you post fast enough it is ok, because to a new reader like me long walls of text are very intimidating.

Ok, why did Solrock faint from exhaustion? I know that it had prob done some training prior to the battle, but that seems a tad extreme? After all, there is too much contrast with the depiction that Solrock was getting charged up by the sun just moments before its losing of consciousness.

So far, nice job, and good luck with future chappies. Also, please do take a look at my fanfic, linked in my sig, and post a review if possible. I will review again once one or two more chaps are up.
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
~Interlude 1: Tears of Blood~
The sun shone through the branches of an oak tree, sending dancing patterns of light across a young girl’s face. Her brown hair cascaded over her shoulders, and her bright emerald eyes sparkled in the morning sun. She looked about twelve or thirteen, and wore a black sports jacket and a pair of pale beige trousers. This was her favorite tree in the whole of Terra forest, a beautiful tall white oak, with numerous curved branches that were perfect to lie on. She was perched comfortably, though her hands were racing across the pages of her diary at an alarming pace.

Below her a tiny black haired boy frolicked around the clearing, rolling around in the fallen leaves of Autumn, laughing at their merry crunches. His green pajama like outfit would have camouflaged him from anyone walking on the ground, were it not for the multicolour leaves that carpeted the floor. With a slight sigh at her brother’s antics, the girl put away her diary in her backpack and leapt down from the tree, before walking up to her brother.

“Come on William, or we’ll be late for dinner,” she sighed, holding her hand out to him.

“Okay, m’ comin’ April,” he replied, dropping his leaves and grabbing her hand.

The pair walked steadily across the ancient forest path, William occasionally stopping to hurl crispy leaves in the air with childish enthusiasm. Apart from their muffled footsteps the forest was fairly quiet, the odd string of birdsong ringing out through the peaceful forest. Occasionally a few Zubat would fly by, supersonic squeaks ringing from their mouths as they searched for food. The bright glow of the moon was the only light in the descending dusk; they hadn’t meant to stay so long. As they neared home, April spotted the slow, steady glow of the village.

They didn’t notice at first, but soon April began to realize that it was quieter than it should have been. The Zubat were nowhere to be seen, and the birdsong had long died. Slowly, she brought William to a stop as a patch of silvery clouds flowed over the forest, covering the path in shadow. Despite the lack of wind, she could hear the heavy rustle of leaves coming from the bushes.

“C’mon April, there’s still cake left at the house…” moaned William, tugging at her sleeve.

With a wary glance around her, April allowed herself to be pulled along by her brother, knowing how anxious he was to get back. But when they were barely two feet away, the bushes gave off another rustle of movement. Two red eyes shone out of the dark like murderous flares, and a low guttural growl emitted from an unseen maw. Even William was curious now, and despite his sisters efforts to drag him away, he stayed firmly put.

Like a bullet a black blur shot out of the bushes, leaping high over William, gleaming paws tucked firmly to his tummy. With a gasp, April whirled around to look at the shadowy shape darting away. Two metallic horns erupted from his pointed head, curving backwards with a evil edge. Three silver rivets of armour covered his sleek black body, though they were far too thin to offer real protection. Four thin limbs extended from his lithe body, ending in rounded paws with razor claws protruding. Each ankle was encased in a metal manacle, and his thin tail had a much smaller ringlet, just before the arrow shaped point at the end.

April sighed in relief, they were lucky to have gotten away from that unscathed, she’d read that Houndoom could be very dangerous. But before she could relax, she heard a wailing moan from the floor. Her brother was sprawled on the floor, his face pastry pale. Then she saw it; two sets of paw gashes, one on each eye, seeping blood like crimson tears.

April quelled her instinctual reaction, forcing herself to think. If I stay calm and get him to the hospital, everything will be alright… she reassured herself. Repeating her thoughts to herself, she hoisted her brother across her shoulders and ran as fast as she could for the nearing town.

After what seemed like an eternity, she saw the white hulking shape of the hospital draw near. The glass doors shot open before her, and a concerned Nurse instantly ran up to her, taking William with great concern. She yelled behind her, and before April knew it, her brother was layed out on a bed, with a Doctor dabbing at his eyes with cotton dipped in hot water. Sighing in relief, April collapsed on the plastic chairs of the waiting room, falling quickly to sleep.

*********

Stalactites hung like thin white daggers from the ceiling, touching and bonding with stalagmites to create a jaw like opening to a large chamber. By the door were several translucent Gastly, dark spheres shrouded in swirling purple gas. The menacing ghosts were gliding slowly around the entrance, guarding it. A rusty brown stream gushed from a hole in the ceiling, cutting a small corner of the chamber apart from the rest, before disappearing by the ominous entrance. It fell through a large jagged hole in the pearl white rock, which echoed with the sounds of a waterfall. The stream was overlooked by a large dusty rock jutting out from the furthest wall. Two black-clad monks stood at the tip of the rock, gazing at the body of water. Their faces were masked by large shadowy hoods, giving the cloaks they wore a strange empty look. The front of the smaller cloak turned to the other, the bottom flapping slightly as a draft blew down from the surface.

"We have found our sacrifice. A young boy marked by one of her creatures, ready to undergo the rite," he whispered swiftly.

"Good. Have the Xalo sent to retrieve him. Kill the other townspeople. Leave no survivors," the other replied, before pausing, "And do it properly this time, the last thing we need is him on our backs again."

The smaller monk’s cloak nodded, perhaps a little nervously, before walking past the floating specters, and into the passageway. His footsteps echoed throughout the underground complex in distorted tones, before they were joined by a great many other walking men.

End Of Interlude 1

BTW, thanks for the review mindripper, I dropped around and reviewed T&T at last. Sorry for being mean earlier, but I was having a really bad day and I was expecting a PM from someone else.
 
Last edited:
M

mindripper

Guest
Ok. I will be a lot more detailed with this one and will list almost every vocab and word-based mistake in this interlude, since it is pretty short anyway. Here goes.

sending dancing patterns of light across a young girl’s face

The connotation of this sentence portion is kinda incorrect. "Sending patterns of light dancing across a young girl's face" is better. With your version, you denote the patterns of light dancing around in the first place, something that is not very possible.

supersonic squeaks ringing from their mouths as they searched for food

The word "supersonic" means that the Zubats' radar is beyond the audibility level of humans. The word "ringing" then becomes self-contradictory!

Three silver rivets of armour covered his sleek black body

"Rivets of armour" is not really correct, because rivet in this context would mean the metal bolts which are inserted through holes and then hammered to join pieces together.

Ok, there are other grammar mistakes which I left out, because I could get your meanings still even with them around. Description was pretty good, and as I have said, too few people utilise interludes. However, why not have the interlude as part of a chapter instead? That way, you have instant linkage with the story, linking the parts which you want connected together. This way, you run the risk of readers not remembering the interlude as well as you would want them to, and could make the connection less poignant.

Take nothing away from the interlude, even with the mistakes I pointed out. The fact that there is an interlude gives you extra points in the first place. Keep up the good job.
 
O

Olyon

Guest
Wow, very well done Elemental (can i call you that?). I thought this did very well in terms of description and such and such, I didnt find any mistakes but it wouldnt matter if I did cos Mindripper has already :p

I liked the whole atmosphere of it all and I love how you described William, you really made his childish innocence and childishness as a whole basically shine through really well. In fact you did that so well, I felt devastated when he was attacked and of course chosen for a sacrafice! I hope somethin happens to stop it to be honest :(

Very good interlude and I cant wait to see how this ties in with the story! :D
 

IceKing

Sexorific!
After all the times you reviewed my fic its about time I reviewed yours. I had a NICE list of dislikes in my head...when I read this fic a month ago. Bleh, I forgot most of them so youre going to get a nice wonderful review.


Anyway, I actually really liked this fic. I enjoyed reading it alot, it was not a pain and I didnt have to force myself to stay focused and shoot up some ritalin like I usually have to do with many fics. Im much more interested in the second plot rather than the first plot for now.

I just had to point out that I reread this passage fifteen times, but never understood what was going on!

"Hey Charmander, do you want to come and get some water?" he asked, looking down at the black reptile, who nodded lazily as he warmed himself with his tail flame.

So they set off into the sparse foliage of Petalburg woods, guided by the faint rush of water. Charmander lagged behind however, sniggering lightly as stray thought of Totodile puffing up her chest angrily strafed across his mind. Eventually, he burst out in full hysterics, rolling on the damp mossy floor, trying not to choke on his own tongue.

"Charmander, you do know it’s dangerous to eat strange plants, right?” queried Adam, sighing slightly as this prompted further laughing.

I like the personalities of Charmander and Totodile, always nice to give them individuality rather than making them Pokebots. I wish George and Adam had more defined personalities, but I could tell from the end of the last chapter we'd see more of their internal personalites that make them seperate with the whole library thing.

I like the omens you add in George and Adam's adventure that foreshadow the second plot. Its giving me some ideas for my own fic. I <3 the dead Swellow, that was one nice cliffhanger you had their with George throwing up. The prologue sorta felt corny in my opinion (dont know why) but it was an interesting prologue for a journey fic. Now we know that they both survive for a little while! I rejoyced at the the phrase "her creatures." I also <3 female bad guys.

Bleh, sorry for the sucky review. Note to self, STOP PROCRASTIANTING! I really like this fic and Ill be around for later chapters.
 

HK

Radiance of Shadows
Whoo... how goes it, EC? Well, you dropping a comment on the preview of my rewritten edition of my own fanfic reminded me to check out yours. So, here I am.

Yay, preludes!! *Does an odd dance* Ahem... Anyway, I'm glad that we finally get to the preludes. Like I said, if anything, the ominous atmosphere that these create are as entertaining as the rest of the story. And that is a compliment, man.

Sadly, not much to say as this was somewhat similar to the first interlude in the last edition of your fic. However, I noticed that you changed up the names. I don't remember what they originally were, so I'll leave it at that. Although, you did change the name, right?

Description really set the mood quite well, but personally I wasn't affected as William being attacked by the Houndoom as much as others were. Combination of the fact that there wasn't a real attachment to him, from a reader to a character point of view, and also I have read this before. XP Aside from that, I absolutely loved your description of the Houndoom. It was damn-near perfect, man. Your best description of a Pokemon yet. It definitely gave off the feeling that the Houndoom is an evil, demonic-like being in this instance.

Grammar and vocabulary wasn't much of a problem. Any mistakes will be handled by other reviewers, as I am too lazy to point them out, if there are any.

The monks return. Alright! You left us with some questions as to what they need for the sacrifice, what the sacrifice is for in the first place, and finally who has has been involved and possibly thwarted previous attempts before.

Again, like I have mentioned numerous times, I love the interludes. Those are what really made the story for me the first time that I read this. Good luck on the rest of the revision, and I hope that you keep improving.
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Ok, why did Solrock faint from exhaustion? I know that it had prob done some training prior to the battle, but that seems a tad extreme? After all, there is too much contrast with the depiction that Solrock was getting charged up by the sun just moments before its losing of consciousness.
Still haven't exlained this. Basically, Solar beam was a very advanced technique and it took lots of concentration for an inexperienced Solrock to use it, concentration it was hard to muster whilst soaked in water and exhausted, and it fainted from the effort.

The connotation of this sentence portion is kinda incorrect. "Sending patterns of light dancing across a young girl's face" is better. With your version, you denote the patterns of light dancing around in the first place, something that is not very possible.
Well, the light looks like it's dancing all around her because of the movements in the canopy above, and whilst the light isn't really doing this, it looks as if it is, and I wanted it to sound like this happend around her too.

However, why not have the interlude as part of a chapter instead? That way, you have instant linkage with the story, linking the parts which you want connected together. This way, you run the risk of readers not remembering the interlude as well as you would want them to, and could make the connection less poignant.
They aren't really meant to be connected with the main plot yet, they're set two years in the past for those that don't know.

Thanks for the review Mindripper, I'll get fixing those mistakes afte I've finished writing. *Trace elements of pie*

Wow, very well done Elemental (can i call you that?).
Yep, you can if you like.

I liked the whole atmosphere of it all and I love how you described William, you really made his childish innocence and childishness as a whole basically shine through really well. In fact you did that so well, I felt devastated when he was attacked and of course chosen for a sacrafice! I hope somethin happens to stop it to be honest
I'm glad that worked, I felt that people might not connect with him enough to feel sorry for him much... Thanks Olyon :D *Pieness*

After all the times you reviewed my fic its about time I reviewed yours. I had a NICE list of dislikes in my head...when I read this fic a month ago. Bleh, I forgot most of them so youre going to get a nice wonderful review.
XD Lucky me, eh?

As for that passage, Charmander is remembering Totodile's rage about him mocking her diary, and Adam is being sarcastic about him eating magical berries. Glad to have you on board IK! *Gives pi*

Sadly, not much to say as this was somewhat similar to the first interlude in the last edition of your fic. However, I noticed that you changed up the names. I don't remember what they originally were, so I'll leave it at that. Although, you did change the name, right?
Nope :p

Description really set the mood quite well, but personally I wasn't affected as William being attacked by the Houndoom as much as others were. Combination of the fact that there wasn't a real attachment to him, from a reader to a character point of view, and also I have read this before. XP Aside from that, I absolutely loved your description of the Houndoom. It was damn-near perfect, man. Your best description of a Pokemon yet. It definitely gave off the feeling that the Houndoom is an evil, demonic-like being in this instance.
Fwee! I reworked that description a bit to get it right :D Thanks for dropping a review HK *Gives Flame pie*

Below is the new combined Chapter six! Enjoy it or eat your own liver. Maybe not ;)
 
Last edited:

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
~Chapter 6: A Serpent and Cyanide~

The two trainers stood in awe of the humongous glass tower that shot up from the rocky pavement. After a few seconds of exaggerated staring Adam eventually poked George through the door, not wanting to dawdle in the middle of the sidewalk. The Hi-tech theme continued inside, with the floor paved with brilliant white marble and tables made from smooth, gleaming chrome and a smart black surface covering the top. Matching chairs were made of curved chrome tubes, the seat covered in dark, polished leather.

Looking around, George soon spotted the sparkling reception desk, and behind it, a large poster advertising tours of the building. Walking over they both readied their wallets, with extreme reluctance in Adam’s case. Soon, a blonde haired receptionist in her 20’s walked up to them, smiling radiantly.

“Hello!” she chirped. “What can I do for you today?”

“We’d like to go with the next tour group please,” replied George.

“Here you go!” she said, handing them two tickets “The tour starts in two minutes. That’d be 6 páva please!”

They handed over the money quickly as they took they took the tickets, Adam wincing at her high-pitched voice. There was already a large group of tourists gathered at the spot marked ‘Tours-queue here’, so they walked over and got in line. After a few minutes of George humming and general boredom, a short black haired man walked over to the queue, glancing down at his checklist.

“Hello everyone! My name is Bill and I’ll be your guide today. Can I see your tickets please?” asked Bill, examining the tickets.

“Ok, everyone’s here so lets get moving!” he announced, leading the group up curved marble stairs.

The second floor room was filled with gigantic radio transmitters, as they studied the effects of different waveforms on pokémon evolution. One unlucky Rattata had evolved into a small, green skinned Raticate as a result, and was yelling loudly in protest, gnashing anything it saw into pieces. The next floor up was the berry mixing room, full of metallic vats filled with colourful berry juice. On the fourth, they were testing out the new satellite navigators out, testing their signal strength and their resistance to the elements. They were lead onwards and upwards to the last tour floor, which contained a huge battle arena and benches full of experimental TM’s ready to be tested. Before they got in the waiting lift, their guide turned around to face them, rubbing his hands together happily.

“Well folks, this is the end of the tour. Does anyone have any questions?” he asked, looking around briefly.

A green sleeve shot up, and started waving it’s hand like a trophy. The guide ignored it, and turned briskly around, leading them into one of the shiny elevators. The lift took them back down to the ground floor, right next to the gift shop. As they walked towards the entrance, they saw the owner of the green sleeve pull Bill hastily aside, conducting a hushed argument with surprising vigor. Though George wanted to go and find out what the deal was, he was pushed through the doorway by an impatient Adam.

The shop was one of the few carpeted rooms in the entire building, presumably to give off a cozy vibe. Said carpet was a dark royal red and the walls were white with elegant gold leaf patterns, which made the room look deceptively expensive. Rich wooden shelves lined the delicate walls, covered in bottles of various potions.

After looking around for a while Adam decided upon a platinum pokédex skin and several of the new Oran berry based potions, complaining about the outrageous prices of gift shops everywhere. More enthusiastic, George himself immediately chose a blue saténav and a blue pokédex skin. After paying for their rather expensive stuff the two walked out onto the earthy streets of Rustboro.

“Well, that was a good waste of an hour or so,” said Adam, looking at his watch. “Shall we go get our pokémon then?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to have my first Gym battle!” replied George excitedly.


*********

“Here are your pokémon, as good as new!” exclaimed the Nurse as she handed the two their three pokéballs.

“Thanks, I think,” said Adam, taking Charmander’s ball and pressing the circular button.

-“I’m back baby!”- announced Charmander happily.

“Thanks nurse Joy!” exclaimed George, clipping his pokéballs onto his belt.

He released Totodile in a flash of bright light, smiling as she burst out dancing from foot to foot, almost as enthusiastic as him about the upcoming battle. The four left in high spirits, ready for the upcoming battle.


*********

“Look, I’m sorry but Roxanne is already facing a challenger!” sighed one of Roxanne’s assistants. “You can go wait in the stands if you like.”

“…..Fine,” conceded Adam, walking past her and into the arena itself.

The Gym wasn’t exactly the most glamorous in Houenn, faced with nothing but plain rock and small automatic doors at the front. It wasn’t very different inside either, earthy floor covered the battling arena, and the stands were just stone steps. The only tiled places were the reception rooms and the offices to the back, though not one of the gang knew this. Adam, George and their pokémon sat on the stony steps, glancing around at the scattering of other onlookers in the stands, before turning to see the current battle unfold.

On one side a fairly old teenage girl stood elegantly in a white t-shirt and a pair of immaculate denim jeans. Her mahogany hair cascaded beautifully down past her shoulders, veiling her face from all sides. On the other side was a young adult with bright pink hair tied back in neat pigtails. She wore a gray tracksuit top and a long gray skirt that came down to her knees. Adam recognized her as being Roxanne, the Gym leader of Rustboro city.

On the brown-haired girl’s side a light-blue serpent turned magnificently in the air, floating with draconic grace. Her head was rounded softly, with two tiny white wings protruding from the back of her skull, twitching as she soared through the air. On the other side a ball of seemingly solid rock bobbed up and down in the air, a frown plastered on his stone face. Two huge rocky arms hung at his side, sculpted muscles tensing in anticipation.

“Try again Geodude, Rock Throw!” yelled Roxanne across the arena.

“Dratini, Ice Beam them down,” replied the girl coolly.

Concentrating, Geodude slammed into the ground with his hard hands, causing huge chunks of earth to explode upwards and towards the Dratini. As they approached, she shot a brilliant beam of light blue energy at them, which covered them in a rough pattern of ice on contact. With the added weight they fell down quickly, shattering on the earthy field.

“Ice Beam again,” commanded the brown haired girl before Roxanne could name another move.

Another blue beam shot out, shining brightly as sun passed through it, illuminating the frozen shards of air moisture that it carried within. Geodude was distracted by the brilliant patterns of light, and didn’t even notice the cause heading towards itself. Suddenly, he felt the stinging cold blasting through him as the ice crystallized on his rocky carapace. With a weak cry, the Geodude collapsed heavily on the arena floor.

“Well done, but let’s see how you face up to Nosepass!” shouted Roxanne, hurling a pokéball onto the ground.

As the flash died away, a gigantic stone head loomed menacingly out of the dusty air, snorting at his opponent through a huge bronze nose. Unsurprisingly, it gave off a huge brassy sound that echoed through the gym, like hearing a trumpet through a megaphone. As if further deriding his opponent, the Nosepass shook the flat rock flaps by his side slowly, waving Dratini bye-bye.

“Nosepass, Rockslide!” yelled Roxanne.

“Dodge with Extremespeed, then use Water Gun,” countered the girl.

Nosepass ripped chunks of the earth floor up in the air with a flap of his rocky wings, hurling them at his foe in a constant barrage of rock. Before they could hit, Dratini darted away in a blue and white blur, vanishing from the field. As Nosepass looked around angrily, Dratini arrived behind it, spraying a jet of foamy water across his back. Shrieking in rage hew pivoted to face the serpent, who blasted him again with another blast of ice-cold water.

“Finish it with Ice Beam,” called out her trainer.

Dratini obeyed instantly, illuminating the building with another glowing blast of light that froze in an icy sheet as it hit the drenched Nosepass. After a few seconds of this, Nosepass fell back in a huge explosion of noise, dust, and ice shards. Returning her fainted pokémon instantly, Roxanne walked over to her opponent, smiling brightly.

“That was great April! Here, take this badge and TM Rock Tomb, you’ve earned them!” she said happily, handing a chip like device and a golden badge.

April shook her hand and thanked her for the battle, before walking out of the gym, Dratini slithering through the air behind in a joyful, carefree way.

“That was a pretty cool battle, huh?” asked George, back up in the stands.

Adam raised an eyebrow slightly, though in reality he too had been impressed by the battling of Dratini, who had felled two opponents in a matter of minutes. Deciding that it might be better to watch another battle before he tried, Adam motioned for George to go first. George smiled as he walked down the stands, excited to be the first of the two to beat Roxanne… Well, that’s what he thought anyway.

“Welcome to Rustboro Gym!” shouted Roxanne, her voice booming through the cavernous gym, focused at the descending figure of George.

“Thanks! I’m here to challenge you for a battle,” George blurted out before thinking. “Do you need to heal your pokémon first?”

“Don’t worry, I have another two, assuming this is your first time through a league?” she asked, putting the pokéballs containing her fainted pokémon on a glowing silvery tray.

“Yeah! If there’s nothing else… let’s battle!” yelled George excitedly, his feelings mirrored by an ecstatic Totodile.

“More super effective attacks, huh?” called out Roxanne, eyeing Totodile with a sigh.

As the ball burst open, a gargantuan rock-snake exploded onto the field, his rugged body grinding together as he moved. He waved the dark horn hat protruded from his forehead like a sword, its razor edge chinked and nicked from training. Unlike the rest of his rounded body, the head was clean cut, his rock hard skull set in a permanent frown. He glanced briefly at the bounding Totodile dancing around him, rolling his eyes hypnotically.

“Don’t let him intimidate you Totodile, Bite him and strike close range with Water Gun!” yelled George, his voice faltering slightly.

With a merry gurgle of acknowledgement, Totodile leapt forth head first, clamping her maw around a section of the Onix’s rocky body. As her milky teeth held her close, she shot a pressurized stream of water spraying from the corners of her mouth, making the Onix groan in pain.

“Rock throw!” Roxanne commanded quickly.

Onix coiled his tail around some of the dusty boulders littered around the arena, then hurled them at Totodile. Totodile dislodged her grip and danced away frantically as the rocky barrage neared, chattering her milky teeth in fright.

“Er…dodge?” suggested George, dumbfounded.

Totodile was still panicking, and only narrowly missed the last boulder as she skipped away. Rocky shrapnel scuffed her scaly skin as she fled, much to her distress. Her golden eyes flashed defiance at the great beast even in retreat, ready to counter-attack at any time.

“Water Gun him again!” cried George, frowning at the behemoth of rock.

*********

“That’s strategy that is,” Adam told Charmander, nodding sagely.

Charmander raised his eyebrows, or the skin where they’d be if Charmanders had eyebrows in any case.

-“Looks like dear old Toto’s in danger,”_he replied, grinning at the joke.

“I dunno, surprisingly it seems to be working,” observed Adam, seeing a panicking Totodile squirt Onix with another stream of water.

*********

“Dodge!” yelled George desperately.

Totodile did a back-flip, her surprisingly lithe body bending around in mid air with great alacrity, landing safely past the projectile rocks. Gurgling, she squirted another jet of water at the Onix, an evil grin at the corners of her mouth as he reared away, sweat dripping down his rocky carapace. Her nerves had settled a bit now, replaced by thoughts of rage and revenge; it’d pay for underestimating her.

“And again Totodile, aim for its eyes!” called out George with increased conviction.

“Rock Tomb her quick Onix!” commanded Roxanne.

As Totodile summoned water to her mouth, four huge rocks erupted from the floor. They collided together, squeezing Totodiles tummy as they lifted her off the ground and high in their vice like grip. Due to the extra pressure, the water short out of her mouth in a single bullet of water that collided with her foes eye in an explosion that drenched his entire body. With a roar of agony, Onix fell to the ground, causing a huge tremor throughout the Gym. The rocks binding Totodile sank back into the floor, releasing her from their grasp. She ran around the arena joyously, happy to be free from the grip of the rocks.

-“Who’s laughing now, Charmander?” she yelled victoriously.

*********

-“That doesn’t even make sense!”- exclaimed Charmander.

“She might be delirious from that Rock tomb,” suggested Adam.

-“Maybe she’s drunk on power?”- speculated Charmander.

“Maybe she’s drunk?” offered Adam.

-“Maybe,”- laughed Charmander.

-“I can hear you two, so shut up!”- yelled Totodile huffily.

“How can I refuse a demand like that?” mocked Adam.

*********

“Great battle, but we’ll see how you fare against Geodude!” called out Roxanne, releasing a second pokémon.

Out popped another Geodude, though he was darker, and he seemed to be older too. He glowered menacingly at the celebrating Totodile while smashing his rocky fists together in anticipation.

“Mega Punch!” commanded Roxanne.

“Water G-”

Before he could finish, he saw Geodude speed towards Totodile, hurling her sky high with a gigantic punch from a bronze-glowing fist. Wordlessly he recalled her, glowering at the smirking Geodude. Sighing, he sent out Slakoth, though he didn’t really stand a chance against their rocky opponent. Sure enough, the sloth erupted from the ball, scratching his head with a confused expression. He yawned loudly and shot the Geodude a look that said, despite all evidence to the contrary, that he was below him.

“Lets finish this quick Geodude, Rock Throw!” called out Roxanne.

“Dodge?” asked George hopelessly.

Slakoth gradually picked himself up, walking slowly away in a relaxed manner. Before he’d even got started, he was knocked over by a huge volley of boulders from the other side of the field. Glowering venomously at Geodude, he got up, and kept walking along towards him.

“Slash!” commanded George desperately.

“Rock Throw again Geodude!” Roxanne called out again.

Slakoth ignored him and kept walking before being hit by another rocky barrage. Snarling indignantly, he changed direction, moving a little faster, this time in Geodude's direction. Yet another volley of rocks hit him, burying the sloth in a large group of rocks.

“Well, it looks like I win this time. Try again when—” started Roxanne before being cut off by a huge crash.

The simian creature had tossed the boulders off himself in a single upwards stroke, sending them crashing across the arena. He continued towards the Geodude with slow determination, like a glacier rolling across the landscape. Another barrage was knocked away with ease, and it was clear Roxanne was worried.

“Magnitude!”

Suddenly, the loud crash of rocks ceased, and the arena descended into a ominous silence. Slakoth’s claws scrabbled across the floor, carrying him towards the dormant statue of Geodude. As George watched, he felt his soles vibrating gently, followed by a low rumbling sound draining into hearing; an ignored background noise calling for immediate attention. Soon, the whole gym shook with the violent vibrations, shelved stones screaming downwards like meteors. And then-

BANG!

*********

Two young trainers walked sullenly down the dreary streets as if on death row, making a beeline for the pokécenter. On closer inspection, one would find that the one to the left, named George, was easily the most sad of the two. On closer inspection by a suspicious mind, one might say that the second, Adam, was only pretending to be sad so as not to trigger further sulking and possibly a mild case of GBH. Adam didn’t need to keep faking depression for long however, as the deep, soothing aroma of freshly cooked food was floating towards them, carrying waves of cheer that perked up his friend considerably. Wordlessly, they sidled up to the Nurse on the desk, who was currently dealing with a screaming man and what looked like a turnip; albeit one with large, curved leaves and stumpy legs. When the hysterical man had left and the plant was stashed safely away, George got a room for them both on the third floor. They both walked up, still muffed in a blanket of stuffy silence.

“Oh well, I guess losing isn’t that bad,” conceded George at last, more to break the silence than anything else.

“Yeah, you can’t go around expecting to win everything, can you?” snorted Adam, seizing the opportunity to cheer George up in his own special way.

“Right. Me and Totodile just need to train a bit, and we’re bound to win!” exclaimed George.

“That’s the spirit.”

“Yeah! You better train too Adam, no use in rushing into these things like a fool,” advised George happily.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Alright Rustboro, here I come!” yelled George, now full of vigour, and in Adam’s opinion, hypocrisy.

The End Of Chapter 6
 
Last edited:

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Hello.

In the past, I've not been one who would typically check out journey fics, but I have recently decided to try and open my mind a little bit where such stories are concerned, beginning with this one. So far, I find myself quite enjoying this - there's something to be said for broadening one's horizons, indeed. :D

A couple of highlights:

Elemental Charizam said:
They walked for a long time, chatting about their starters, how humans were ‘dim in the brain’, and how Charmander could use ‘a drop of tact and a big bottle of shut up’.

Terrific, and hilarious to boot. One of the major high points of this story is the personalities of the Pokémon - they're actually characters. Thank you for not portraying the Pokémon as mere tools, as possessions belonging to the trainers and nothing more.


Elemental Charizam said:
“You two have ruined my reputation, my chance of getting into Team Magma! You’ll pay for that! DON’T THINK YOU WON’T PAY!” he roared behind him, stumbling madly through the undergrowth towards the path.

“If this were a novel, I’d be shooting the author for that cliché,” muttered Adam.

That put a smile on my face. Good show.


Loved the interlude! I caught a little taste of the occult there...most unexpected and intriguing. Something else I particularly liked was the description of Nosepass - particularly the sound he made. Eh, I have a soft spot for Nosepass, what can I say? So, yes, that was nice. Of course, the description of the other Pokémon was good, too.

Overall, I am glad I decided to pay this story some mind. Keep up the good work!
 
C

Chronicles Death

Guest
Nice fic. I like the story really good! Uh.......um....What else? Oh yah, you have a few grammar mistakes here and there, nothing major, and ITS A LITTLE BIT TOO SHORT!!!! WAAAAHHH!!! heheheh....sorry.

Mudz: Take your medicine...

0_0o Uh, gotta go. C.W.F.M. (can't wait for more) *hold on Mudz, you and Rogue can give me the shot later right? Guess not.OW!!!!*
 
O

Olyon

Guest
Thought I'd missed a chapter when you'd said you were on chapter seven ^^;

Well I didnt find any mistakes this time, I enjoyed the battle between the Dratini and both of Roxannes Pokemon; I love how described how it flew around...dont know why but I just did ^^;
Yeah good job and hurry with that next chapter, I gotta nominate someone!
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Yey, reviews! Thanks Olyon, Sike and The Rogue Trainer, I took your advice and hopefully this chapter is better for it. I really appreciate the help ^_^

Loved the interlude! I caught a little taste of the occult there...most unexpected and intriguing. Something else I particularly liked was the description of Nosepass - particularly the sound he made. Eh, I have a soft spot for Nosepass, what can I say? So, yes, that was nice. Of course, the description of the other Pokémon was good, too.
Glad my fic didn't send you running and screaming away from the genre :D As for the Nosepass, I thought you might from reading TOoS, though mine didn't blow up. Yet ;) Anyways, thanks for the great review, you actually got me to get rid of my writers block thing.

Yeah good job and hurry with that next chapter, I gotta nominate someone!
Thanks for the nomination-to-be Olyon! Okay, now I'll nominate you...

~Chapter Seven: A Stones Throw~​
Early next morning, the two scrambled out of the pokécenter in their old traveling clothes; there was no point in changing as the training regime would surely get them all covered in grime. The two trainers were followed out by Charmander and Totodile, who looked refreshed after a long night’s rest. As planned, they made their way through to the other side of Rustboro to battle the different pokémon that dwelled there. However, crossing the city proved harder than it sounded, for they had to cross one of the huge road branches full of heavy traffic, walk through several miles of bustling citizens, and to top it off, figure out how to get out of the walled city. By the end, Totodile had turned into an irritable, snappish companion, in no mood for training.

“Look Totodile, think of it this way, do you want to beat those Rock pokémon or fail and have Charmander laugh at you for ages? Besides, you said you wanted to train before,” pleaded George, crouched painfully on one knee to converse with the tiny crocodile.

-“Fine,”- she replied at last, condensing all her sulking into a single word.

George glanced over at Adam, who was helping Charmander practice his Ember technique against a number of natural targets, as well as several clay Pidgey carefully thrown before the lizard. George was at a loss as to what he might do to train Totodile, drawing his foot across the earth aimlessly as he thought, trying eagerly to come up with something. Totodile was not in the mood to wait, and soon thought up her own training regime. Taking in a deep breath, she summoned water into her mouth, building it up until there was a considerable amount dammed in her small maw. With a malevolent gargle, she released the pressurized Water Gun on George’s face, knocking him backwards.

“Why did you do that?” spluttered George, wiping his face as dry as he could.

-“You’re the one that persuaded me to train!”- she cackled in reply.

Before George could argue, another stream of icy water connected, this time in his midriff, though he was able to keep his footing this time. Before another attack could be charged, George dived behind a bush, mentally cursing the sparse forestry of the area. Glancing through the maze of branches and leaves, he saw a blue blur move towards him, a sure sign of Totodile activity. Cursing, George darted across open territory, only just dodging a blast of water from the pursuing pokémon.

*********

After over an hour of this frantic chasing, the pair lay leaning against one of the few trees in the area, panting heavily despite the shade. Eventually, Charmander and his trainer joined the two, tired out from the morning’s training.

“How about we go and get something to eat, then come back in the afternoon?” asked Adam after regaining his breath.

“Sounds good to me. Just so long as Toto here doesn’t try and drown me next time,” sighed George.

Totodile grudgingly agreed, and so the gang set off to eat at a nearby Pizza King, returning for several more hours in the afternoon. The four spent almost a week in this fashion, though George didn’t get anywhere trying to train Slakoth, who simply threw him scornful looks and ‘hung around’, literally. Still, by this time, they were all confident in their ability to beat Roxanne, and so early on the 10th of July, the four walked through into the Rustboro Gym and up to the same old secretary.

“Hello again. Is the leader battling again, or may we go in?” inquired Adam.

“As a matter of fact, you may. However, only one trainer may challenge Roxanne at once,” she replied, gesturing to the open doors.

“Thanks,” said George.

The group walked through the two large doors and into the stony gym for the second time, Adam heading up to the stands, leaving George and Totodile to challenge Roxanne. The two ambled forwards to the challenger area, soon catching Roxanne’s attention.

“Hello again, I thought I’d see you here again. So, I assume you’re here for a battle?” asked Roxanne, receiving a nod of confirmation from George. “In that case, do you mind if we fight two-on-two this time? I need to work on my technique, and it should make things more interesting.”

“Yeah…” murmured George, thinking of Slakoth’s slacking off. “Ok.”

Totodile leaped instantly to the front, her small azure feet tapping a merry jig across the stone floor, eager for revenge. She was soon joined by the drowsy form of Slakoth, his light pink stomach pressed firmly against the earthy floor. Slowly, he lifted himself up onto two pristine paws, casting a look of distain at the dusty arena, and then at George. Nevertheless, he looked to be in battle position, just as the merry Totodile.

Casting his eye across the stadium, George saw that the two opposing pokémon had also been sent out. Unsurprisingly, the first was the monolithic Nosepass, assuming position on the right side of the arena. His second opponent was a muscular Geodude, flexing his muscles in a blatant attempt to psyche the challengers. A deafening hoot of Nosepass’s nose rang through the gym, signaling the start of the match.

“Both of you, Rock Throw at Totodile!” ordered Roxanne swiftly.

“Power up a pressurized Water Gun, and unleash it on Geodude. Slakoth, try and stop Nosepass with a Yawn,” commanded George.

On Roxanne’s side of the field, huge chunks of the arena flew upwards, surrounding the two rock pokémon in a shield of floating stone. While Totodile was still charging her high-pressure attack, the two let fly their attacks simultaneously, sending a cloud of dust and rock towards the crocodile. As the attacks closed, more and more of the flying rocks collided together, shattering into sharp shrapnel and dropping heavily from the projectile in huge clumps of earth. Only a few whirled onwards towards their target, who dodged each despite the fact her mouth was bulging with compressed water. It was at this time that Slakoth finally decided that despite the fact his trainer had ordered it, a Yawn might actually do the trick, and so he opened his mouth wide, letting out a long, drawn out yawn pass his lips. Even Totodile, as she climbed one of the makeshift pillars, felt slightly drowsy. Shaking it off, she locked on to her target, and unleashed a huge wave of frothy white water that zoomed towards Geodude at an incredible speed.

Roxanne had seen this coming however, and was ready. “Smash into the floor with your fists and try and hold on!” she commanded, turning to Nosepass for assistance. “Quick Nosepass, let off a Zap Canon attack at that Totodile!”

Just as his fists hit the ground, the water struck, a river of pent up fury blasting him backwards, tearing his knuckles slowly across the floor. Nosepass roared in rage, his nose humming and sparking as the electric energy built up, causing his entire face to glow. With a great grinding sound, he turned to face the Totodile, releasing a huge blast of electricity in her direction. Shooting forwards like a celestial beacon, it glanced past the concentrating reptile, smashing against the stone walls with a deafening crackle. Though the attack missed, it had distracted Totodile, stopping her Water Gun and making her slip off her rocky perch. She caught herself mid-fall, struggling up with her small limbs clutched tight to the weathered stone.

Meanwhile, the beige form of Slakoth crawled towards his drowsy foes with a slow, unmovable malevolence. He could hear his human shout orders from behind him, though he was unconcerned with the little twerp. At least his partner wasn’t totally useless; he heard a rush of water overhead, and when he glanced over the smaller of his enemies seemed to have been knocked out. Though the sloth would have liked to be the one to knock him out, he had other Magikarp to roast; though their second opponent was uttering a series of brassy snores from his great nose, he wasn’t down for the count yet. The simian beast rose in a mushroom cloud of dust, landing a series of crippling blows against the Nosepass’s rocky carapace that echoed throughout the room. A final punch caught the huge magnetic snout like a hammer to the bell; its solemn ring vibrating through the cavernous stadium.

“Yes!” exclaimed an ecstatic George, punching the air in victory.

“Tch, I lose again. Here, catch,” called Roxanne, tossing one of her golden badges across the room, accompanied by an odd looking chip. “There’s the dynamo badge, and the TM Rock Tomb.

As George and Totodile celebrated his victory, Adam walked down the stone stands and onto the ground below, prodding George off the field and onto the sidelines. He turned to face Roxanne, Charmander jumping into what he probably thought was a ‘cool’ battle pose.

“Another challenger? Ok, but I’m afraid I only have one healthy gym pokémon at the moment, so it’ll have to be a one on one match,” sighed Roxanne.

“I guess I’ll have to limit myself to one from my great army of pokémon,” said Adam, winking at Charmander.

With a flick of a wrist, the young gym leader sent a pokéball spinning onto the ground, releasing another Geodude in a blast of white light. Though he looked slightly timid and weaker than the other Geodude, he was still strong enough to take on a Fire type. In fact, the small Charmander was enough to give the Geodude a quiet grin of confidence, though it came far short to the macho show boding before the previous match. Charmander merely raised a tiny thumb and gave a smirk of amusement.

“Start it out with an Ember,” said Adam thoughtfully.

“Mega Punch!” countered Roxanne.

Nodding lightly, Charmander took in a deep breath of oxygen, puffing out his small chest considerably. His tiny maw opened wide, sending a beam of screaming embers towards the speeding Geodude. With a slight whimpering growl, the rocky pokémon thrust his glowing fist forwards, scything neatly through the scattered flames. The few that did strike ricocheted off his skin leaving only slight sooty marks. Finally, he swung his bronze fist towards the black lizard like a weighted pendulum, smashing into the lizard’s gut. Snorting loudly as the wind was knocked out of him, Charmander was hurled upwards into a tidy arc, his body sprawling untidily as he hit the floor.

“Smokescreen it Charmander!”

“Use your Mud Sport Geodude!”

The Rock type pokémon obeyed at once, spinning in midair he became a brownish blur, building up speed before slamming downwards in a fountain of mud. Geodude was now covered in the insulating liquid, and Charmander’s fire attacks would be even less effective now. It did nothing to stop the wall of dark smog engulf Geodude however, and for now the muscular pokémon was left blinded. The young dragon’s ruby red eyes were designed to see through smoke, and although his vision was hampered, he could see his baffled foe well enough.

“Jump up on Geodude and pound him with Metal Claw!” ordered Adam.

“Dodge with Tackle!”

In a smooth back flip, Charmander hurled himself high into the smoky air above his foe, who was shunting around desperately to avoid being hit. In an impressive display of alacrity, Charmander twisted his scaly body around, landing on the erratic Geodude lightly. Gripping on to the shaking pokémon beneath with one paw and raising the other high above, Charmander forced a wave of Steel energy into his pearly claws, bringing them down on the Geodude’s hard armour. The stone being screamed as the hard claws raked down him painfully, drawing a slow stream of blood like tar. With a final shake of fury, Geodude managed to shake off the unwanted passenger before collapsing in a cold sweat on the earthy floor of Rustboro gym.

“Oh hell…” cursed Roxanne under her breath, before tossing over a TM Rock Tomb and Dynamo badge in Adam’s direction. “Congratulations for beating me, it seems to be a trend lately. Have fun with the Dynamo badge and TM.”

“Thanks,” replied Adam as he caught them both, stashing them in his two cases.

“We better go then,” laughed George, strolling through the exit with Totodile.

“You don’t say?”

*********

Back at the pokécenter room, Adam and George were busying themselves by packing up all the stuff of theirs that had been scattered in their week-long stay. Charmander was sat down on Adam’s bed, reading one of Adam’s training magazines with apparent interest. Totodile was listening to George’s earphones and dancing a merry jig, which was a great hindrance to the packing effort.

-“So, where to next?”- questioned Charmander, still reading.

“We’re going to loop back to Petalburg first, then take a ferry to Dewford to challenge Brawly,” George informed him.

“What is it with the TGC and the names of the people they let run the gyms. Wattson, Brawly, even Norman sounds a bit suspicious to me,” sighed Adam, zipping up his pack.

-“Nice tangent guv’nor. Back on topic, you know I was thinking that maybe once we’ve got a few badges under our belts it might be best to cut from the crowd; take a different route through the gyms than others,”- said Charmander.

“I guess we’ll just wait and see,” responded George, laying down on his hard hotel bed.

-“Goodnight then!”- yelled Totodile, smashing the light switch and plunging the room into darkness.

The End Of Chapter 7​

Thanks to:
Me: For writing it
You: For reading it
Chibi Pika: For beta-age of deum!
 
Last edited:

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Highlights
The following passages earned especially big smiles.​

Elemental Charizam said:
It was at this time that Slakoth finally decided that despite the fact his trainer had ordered it, a Yawn might actually do the trick, and so he opened his mouth wide, letting out a long, drawn out yawn pass his lips.

Elemental Charizam said:
Though the sloth would have liked to be the one to knock him out, he had other Magikarp to roast; though their second opponent was uttering a series of brassy snores from his great nose, he wasn’t down for the count yet.

Heh heh...yeah, you'd better believe Nosepass snores! XD A very amusing bit of mental cinema you've inspired there...Good ol' Nosepass...And good ol' you... :D

Elemental Charizam said:
“Oh hell…” cursed Roxanne under her breath, before tossing over a TM Rock Tomb and Dynamo badge in Adam’s direction. “Congratulations for beating me, it seems to be a trend lately. Have fun with the Dynamo badge and TM.”

Elemental Charizam said:
“What is it with the TGC and the names of the people they let run the gyms. Wattson, Brawly, even Norman sounds a bit suspicious to me,” sighed Adam, zipping up his pack.

Anyway, that was a satisfying chapter - not only do we get more nosey goodness *chuckles uncontrollably for several seconds* , we also get TWO Gym matches. By the way, I was listening to 311 while reading those battles; that was fun. Eh, for whatever reason, when I think Nosepass...I think 311...I'm not quite sure why, myself. Anyway, the point is that that was quite fun.

Another thing worth mentioning is that that Slakoth is steadily becoming very easy to like as a character - for that matter, so is that Totodile. You know I like to see good Pokémon characters, and now it has come to the point where those are the only kind of Pokémon characters I've come to expect from you. Most delightful. I'll be here for the next chapter, that much is certain. :D
 
J

jirachiman876

Guest
THis fic was recommended to me by IceKing and I'm actually glad he did. I actually like this. It's pretty good. Well written especailly the interlude. That was what really sparked my interest to keep reading. This is like most journey fics except with a shiny Charmander, which I do like. I've always wanted to put one of those in my fics. I found many mistakes innthe 8 chapters counting the interlude. BUt I only point them out when the next chapter after my first review comes out. Well, I like it and hope to read more.
One thing about the interlude. I have a prediction. Since I have not read this before I have no idea hwat happens so I shall predict something with the interlude. Okie that was total rambling. Anyway, I think that April is the totodile since April writes in her diary, and Charmander in William since he got his eyes gouged out and this gouging changed him into a special Charmander and turned his sister into a Totodile. But that's just a theory. Ya it's a theory not a prediction. *thwacks self*
jirachiman out ;385;
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Top