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Into The Fire: Rise Of The Red Star (Revision 2, PG 15)

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Fwee, chapter 10 is done, and thanks to some top notch beta-ing no longer has gender confusion in it. Go Chibi! On another note, I'll reply to last chapters replies later; time is short at the moment.

~Chapter 10: Psydelus The Surfer~
Adam had eventually gotten changed, and he and George were currently lying down on two white towels that had been set out a short way from the surf. On the tip of Adam’s towel, the sleeping form of Cinder lay, relaxed by the huge amounts of heat. Totodile had decided to lie down in the path of the creamy waves, pondering the mysteries of life, death and what name to get.

“You know George, you should really send Slakoth out to enjoy the sun,” reminded Adam.

“Yeah, and he’ll go psycho just like he did in Rustboro,” sighed George, slumping down slightly.

“Well, it’s not like he attacked you,” pointed out Adam. “Besides, there are laws against keeping a pokémon locked away.”

“Fine,” sighed George, pushing himself up, reaching for Slakoth’s shiny pokéball, and pressing the central button.

In a flash of light Slakoth appeared, stretching his entire body extensively, and yawning insultingly at George. When he’d satisfied his need for belittling his trainer, he considered his options.

-“Finally decided to let me out, eh? I bet keeping me locked up makes you feel big, eh? Well, I’m not going to be commanded about by some insolent runt of a human. I’ll have you know that I command the entire troop of Slakoth in Petalburg forest. I could blink, and you’d be gone!” yelled Slakoth, waving his flailing limbs angrily.

“I’m not the oppressor here, but you do know we’re in Dewford, right?” butted in Adam, grinning brightly at the street theatre.

“Hey! I’m not the oppressor either! I just didn’t want you to go crazy like in Rustboro,” yelled George, stepping back a bit to avoid Slakoth’s hooked claws.

-“Hah! My location does not matter, I’m easily powerful enough to crush you on my own!”- chanted Slakoth. –“Your only power comes from your Totodile, who seems to have attained some strength despite being under your command. I must assume she merely stays with you for the battles that you get when being ‘trained’.

“I don’t think-” started George.

-“I don’t expect you to. Seeing as I’m already here, I’ll cut you a deal; don’t give me orders, and I’ll fight in your name… the fights should be fun, even with you. Now I believe I shall go to sleep,” sighed Slakoth, lying down on the glorious sand.

*********​

Adam walked across the sands quickly, kicking up huge clouds of sand in his wake. He’d escaped from the boredom of sunbathing a few minutes earlier, the snoring of Slakoth driving him near insane. Cinder had joined him too and was hurrying beside him with an energy bar grasped between his two tiny hands.

-“So, where are we going to train?”- asked Cinder conversationally, taking a quick bite from his snack.

“There’s some cave around here somewhere according to Totodile’s pamphlet, and I figure it should be in that cliff somewhere,” answered Adam, glancing over his borrowed pamphlet.

-“So won’t there be rock types there?”- asked Cinder between chews.

“Yeah… If you’re thinking of weaknesses here, you can just use Metal Claw on any rock types. Besides, I heard there are more fighting and ghost types in the main complex. Here it is, ‘Granite Cave’,” announced Adam, surveying the cave critically. “It isn’t going to win any contests for most imaginative name, but it looks ok for training.”

Unsurprisingly, Granite Cave was made of brown granite, made smooth by frequent flooding when the sea was high. The entrance with the ‘Granite Cave’ sign above it was huge, big enough to fit a couple of rampaging Snorlax through easily. The two gave a brief glance across the beach and the distant shape of the changing rooms, before stepping through the cavernous entrance.

Before they could move very far, the two were struck by an overpowering stench of salt. Not surprising, seeing as it was right next to the sea, but neither of them had given it any thought. Once he’d gotten over it, Adam surveyed the cave quickly, holding his nose with one hand. The walls were coated in shining white salt, gleaming from the luminous shafts of sunlight that broke through the holey ceiling. Cinder had turned his attention to avoiding the salty-water that dripped from the glowing rocks above.

“Why not call it salt cave?” muttered Adam, walking deeper into the cave.

-“Or damp, water-dripping hell,” laughed Cinder a little bitterly, jogging to keep up with Adam and wincing every time a drop of water hit him.

The pair walked through the cave in silence, struggling over the occasional rock on their way. The cave was getting steadily darker, and the sound of a gushing waterfall filtered through the cave walls. As they turned a sharp corner in the rocky corridor, Adam’s foot got caught on a branch and brought him tumbling down. Cinder immediately burst into laughter as Adam pulled himself up, glaring at a large tree whose root had tripped him up. Similar roots stretched across the chamber, dipping occasionally into a large stream formed by the waterfall he’d heard earlier.

“The government should really do something about Houenn’s huge underground tree problem,” choked Adam, spitting a mouthful of salty soil onto the floor.

Turning to face the laughing Charmander, Adam caught a brief flicker of white light winking quietly from the shadows. Spinning around to face it, he found it had disappeared into the shadows like an elusive hallucination. After staring suspiciously at the area for a few minutes, he gave up. Sighing, he motioned to Cinder through the gloom, and went down the nearest passage he could find. Cinder soon caught up, still chuckling under his breath.

-“You know, I think this cave is empty. We haven’t seen anything since that Geodude half an hour ago,”- remarked Cinder, scouring the shadows suspiciously, as if they were hiding the inhabitants to spite him.

“Yeah, it’s a conspiracy alright.”

As they turned around the twisty passage, Adam caught another glimpse of the light, two octagonal pupils of white burning through the cave. They vanished again, but one look at Cinder told Adam that this time, he wasn’t the only witness to their odd stalker. The lizard was watching the dripping water with a new edgy look.

-“Those lights almost look like the eyes of a Sableye, right?”- asked Cinder nervously.

Before Adam could answer, the eyes were there again, but much closer this time, glinting maliciously as they weaved through the cave. They got steadily nearer, and a shadowy silhouette followed. In a rush of foul, salty wind, the creature erupted from the shadows yelling loudly. Getting over the shock, Cinder could see it was in fact a Sableye; the bright gemstone eyes and razor sharp claws were unmistakable, as was the dark purple hue of her skin. Still, instead of trying to gut them like you might expect, she merely laughed at the shocked expression on Cinder’s face, her forked tongue licking the salty air mockingly.

-“Ok Adam, I’ll take this murderous fiend!”- announced Cinder dramatically.

“Calm down, the only way this Sableye would kill somebody is by tickling them to death,” sighed Adam, rolling his eyes. “Still, you can battle it if you want, we are here to train after all.”

The Sableye looked offended at Adam’s words, and didn’t wait for Cinder to make the first move. She charged at the small Charmander, slashing him rapidly with her sharp claws and creating small cuts across his midriff. Angered, Cinder jumped up and lashed out with his burning tail, scorching a patch of Sableye’s purple skin black. The black salamander circled her warily, glancing occasionally at his stinging cuts.

“Use a close range Ember!” Adam called out quickly, knowing that attacks like Scratch would have no effect.

Nodding, Cinder took in a huge gulp of air, a ball of pure fire growing in the back of his throat. Sableye jumped backwards from the black lizard, eyes glowing on and off rhythmically to try to put him to sleep. Cinder merely grinned, shooting a stream of burning embers at his enemy. As said enemy was motionless and concentrating on trying to use Hypnosis, the attack hit her full on, embers scorching the ghost across her whole body. With a high pitched screech, Sableye stood her ground, ghostly tendrils of purple wrapping around her body protectively. Suddenly, they shot outwards like streamers, grabbing Cinder roughly and wrapping him in their eerie glow. Despite his distance from the attack Adam could still feel the numbing effects of the attack—it felt as if his muscles were stabbed with cold, icy pins.

“Metal Claw it quick!” yelled Adam, annoyed by the attack.

With a roar of acknowledgement, Cinder staggered forwards quickly, his claw stiffening as he moved. As his claws began to glow, he launched himself into the air, throwing off the Night Shade attack as he plummeted downwards. The glowing claw met its mark, tearing a huge gash on the Sableye’s oversized head. But Cinder wasn’t done. Spinning around to face his foe, he opened his maw and sunk his milky white fangs deep into his opponent's mauve flesh. With a last shriek of agony, the Sableye toppled over, lying motionless on the rocky floor.

“Well done Char—Cinder!” congratulated Adam, spraying potion over Cinder’s wounds. As an afterthought, he sprayed a little onto Sableye too.

-“Heh, I sure kicked his ass!”- laughed Cinder happily, shaking his small arms in imitation of a boxer.

“Ok, note to self; compliments make Cinder go crazy. Anyway, do Sableye’s even have asse-”

Adam’s anatomical contemplation was tragically cut off mid-sentence by a large yellow duck hitting him on his head. Hard.

********

Adam rubbed his head, glaring at the Psyduck who had caused him his head wound. He wore a pair of rounded sunglasses, and he was carrying a familiar red surfing board under one of his glossy canary-coloured arms. It was rather hard to see his expression, as his mouth was billed, and his eyes were covered by the reflective surface of sunglasses. Cinder looked like he was sitting on the oft thin line between amusement and annoyance, eyeing Psydelus carefully.

-“Sorry for banging into you human, but it’s hard to see where you’re going when you surf over rocks in a dark cave,”- he quacked happily, rubbing his head with his webbed hand.

“Oh I don’t know, I’m sure your sunglasses helped you navigate!” replied Adam venomously, finally picking himself up with another glare at Psydelus.

-“So… You two are going on a pokémon journey right?”- Psydelus asked quickly, changing the subject as fast as possible.

Adam sighed deeply, but a small smile betrayed the fact that his mood was improving, either because he’d recovered from the shock, or because he was thinking about being a trainer. Before he could answer however, Cinder stepped in.

-“Yeah, we’ve already earned a badge, and we’re here to beat Brawly! It’s only me on the team so far though, he’s a bit picky about who joins,”- Cinder informed him, beaming with pride.

-“So you’re pretty good huh?”- asked Psydelus.

-“Sure! Why, I haven’t lost a single battle yet!”- exclaimed Cinder, puffing out his chest with pride.

-“I’ve been honing my battle skills recently, and while I’m not as good at it as I am at surfing, I’ve gotten quite good. If you’re as good as you say then you shall make a worthy opponent. How about it?”- asked the duck pokémon, adjusting his sunglasses to a more “cool” position.

Adam glanced sideways at Cinder, who seemed to be contemplating the offer on a deep level; or he was trying to give off that expression anyway. After a few minutes of mock thought, he nodded towards Adam and gestured towards Psydelus, as if asking “what do you think?”.

“Go for it,” Adam said to Cinder, before turning to Psydelus. “So, where do you want to battle then?”

-“I know a place around here—nothing but Corphish visit there, it’ll be quiet enough,”- he quacked merrily. -“Follow me.”-

Shrugging, the pair followed the bright creamy shape of Psyduck through endless tunnels. As they walked on, the rock started to twist and turn in on itself, causing huge dips and narrow passages. They turned sharply and came to a rough, rugged opening in the rock face. Looking out, they could see a small strip of sandy beach, protected from the wind by huge protrusions of cliff on either side. The tide was just coming out, leaving the sand spongy and damp with moisture. As such, the three landed softly, and ready for battle.

Cinder and Psydelus each took separate sides of the sandy battlefield, Psydelus relaxed and Cinder posing dramatically. With a loud quack, Psydelus declared the battle had begun.

“Try an Ember, Cinder.”

The small lizard acquiesced, firing a condensed beam of embers at the stationary Psyduck. Instead of dodging and returning fire, which was what Adam expected, the canary bird shot through the scorching attack in a head-first lunge that struck his opponent in the gut, sending the Charmander sprawling across the damp sand. Making the most of his advantage, the singed Psyduck opened his bill wide and shot a spear of icy water crashing into Cinder’s unprotected side.

“Cut through it with Metal Claw!” called Adam.

Grunting with effort, Charmander extended his two tiny hands together, the claws pressing together with a light, grayish aura glowing through them. Charging forwards, the energized nails split the jet of water into a glorious veil of white wrath surrounding the charging salamander. Finally, the attack connected with the Psyduck’s jaw, hurling him backwards and ending his attack. While he was recovering, Cinder landed three heavy blows on Psydelus, ruffling his feathers and staining his breast with blood.

Charmander leaped upwards, climbing one of the vast stretches of granite that lay around them. From high above, he could see the duck had mostly recovered, and was charging another Water Gun attack. Time to act, then. Powering up a second Metal Claw, Cinder hurled himself from his protective ledge. His body twisted athletically as he fell, turning constantly as he tracked the movements of his feathered opponent. Just before collision, he was hit with a heavy blast of water, soaking his delicate dark skin with cursed water. He could feel himself drop unconscious, but it was too late for Psydelus; his momentum would be enough to knock out the billed creature now. And it was; the two collided heavily, forcing each deep into the soaked sand beneath them.

Adam jogged over, worried about the two pokémon. They were both knocked out cold, lying recumbent on the private beach. Reaching out a pokéball, he withdrew Cinder into the metal sphere for easy transportation to the pokécenter. Still, what about the Psyduck? It didn’t seem right to leave him here, and he’d used the last potion back in Granite cave. Perhaps he should catch the guy? After all, he could let him go once he was healed….

-“Go ahead dude…”- muttered Psydelus blearily, his eyes opening a fraction.

The young trainer knew what the Psyduck meant. Unclipping one from his belt, he dropped the silver pokéball.

The End of Chapter 10
 
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Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Woo-hoo, caught this one as soon as it came out! :D

“Why not call it salt cave?” muttered Adam, walking deeper into the cave.

-“Or damp, water-dripping hell,” laughed Cinder a little bitterly, jogging to keep up with Adam and wincing every time a drop of water hit him.

*snickers* Funny, and kind of cute, too. ^_^

“Ok, note to self; compliments make Cinder go crazy. Anyway, do Sableye’s even have asse-”

XD

Charging forwards, the energized nails split the jet of water into a glorious veil of white wrath surrounding the charging salamander.

O_O Well, that was cool…

Cinder vs. Psydelus was one of your very best battle scenes, IMO. And have some happy points for the use of Sableye, too. ^_^ But... *sniffles* Wehhhh, because your description of Night Shade pwns the one I've been using...

Funny though, I didn't notice any typo's when I read TOoS...

That would be due to the fact that each chapter thereof has been subjected to proofreading MANY TIMES in the fashion particular to the clinically obsessive-compulsive. I still go back and proofread that thing from time to time…
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Good chapter. I liked it.

BTW. Since I have reviewed your fic, would you please consider reviewing and rating mine?
Some people would accuse you of advertising, what with the request being longer than the actual review :p But I shall in any case, as soon as I get time in the reviewing zone.

yeah, I have been "thinking" of reviewing for some time now. But everybody does, right? Seriously, I like that line. You know I like T&T and that fic would be proud to accomodate a line like that. Very classy, yet pretty damn funny wsecraking line. Thanks to Sike for pointing that out after it escaped my attention.

The breeze whipped her long brown hair around her face, and ocean spray tickled her face gently. A pale serpentine dragon had coiled itself around the metal banisters, singing a soft song that lulled through the silence of the deck, the beautiful symphony attracting a small audience behind them.

I would like to draw attention to this line, one of many such in this fic. This kind of lines are the most underestimated lines in fics, IMO. Unlike other lines, which help to flesh out the story, these lines show off your writing ability, as well as descriptive ability. Poetic, yet short and sweet, all the while adding a touch of superfluousness that I love very much.

-“That doesn’t even make sense!”- exclaimed Charmander.

“She might be delirious from that Rock tomb,” suggested Adam.

-“Maybe she’s drunk on power?”- speculated Charmander.

“Maybe she’s drunk?” offered Adam.

-“Maybe,”- laughed Charmander.

-“I can hear you two, so shut up!”- yelled Totodile huffily.

“How can I refuse a demand like that?” mocked Adam.

Nice one. Sarcastic humour again. Well done with that.

The battles were nicely fleshed out, and I doubt tat yo could have done very much more with them. You did use the same words twice in close proximity at times, but that is merely me nitpicking, and can hardly be considered a fault.

I do have to say that you have improved tremendously from the last time, and I have to "reluctantly" rescind my comments about you in the summer awards thread. I came in here to see how well you are writing right now, and I was pleased to be pleasently surprised, and I take nothing away from you. Actually, I am a realistic person, and I praise what I like, and I do like this work. Expect to see my nomination for yo in the summer fic awards soon. Do carry on the good writing.
O_O Well I can't say i was expecting THAT after the Summer Awards thread... Thanks for the review Skorpion. By the way, I don't ever get jealous, I get even ;)

Yey! Punctual Sike! *hands paper cookies*

Yeah, I was quite happy with how that battle turned out - Cinder & Psydelus seem to work together well. I bet your nightshade description isn't worse though; I like mine and all, but it isn't very true to the name :/

Sike said:
That would be due to the fact that each chapter thereof has been subjected to proofreading MANY TIMES in the fashion particular to the clinically obsessive-compulsive. I still go back and proofread that thing from time to time…
So you might say there were schifty five typos before that hard proofreading work? ;)
 

Tale

Well-Known Member
Finally! Looks like I caught up; which means only one thing!
I have more spare time than you! *Pokes tongue* either that or I sit at my computer WAY too much...which I suppose is the most likely situation.

As mentioned many times before I found your description improved and improved throughout the fic, getting better and better even though it was decent to begin with.
I love this fic, it has to be the only journey fic I've stuck to reading and the most entertaining.
The characters are fantastic (especially the Pokemon - Psydelus and Cinder in particular. I sincerely hope Psydelus remains on the team =D) and you've really given them seperate personalities which is always looked for in a story.
The plot, very entertaining and these interludes really keeps one reading for knowledge of an interesting plot ocurring (unless they were just random events that have nothing to do with the story whatsoever >>; which I doubt...).
The style of writing is also highly entertaining, easy to read and perfectly understandable amidst all the description you do give - which is an amazing talent to retain.

Spotted a small amount of typos which dont really matter to be honest.

As I said, I love this fic and it never fails to inspire me to write myself.
Well bloody done EC! Well bloody done!
*Waits for next chappy*
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Tale: Thanks for the review! As you've left, I won't reply lengthily, just let you know I appreciate the support.

Just to let you know, due to time constraints, this fic is now on temporary hiatus. The Interlude will turn upover Christmas, probably with another chapter. Thanks for reading!
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
I have been staring at your banner for some time, I finally got around to reading your story. Very well done! I enjoyed it immensely. :)

There were a few typos, here and there, but I can't really remember them now... They were in earlier chapters. Your description is very good, your strong points battles and pokemon. The swellow scene has stuck in my mind, you did a very good job with that.

On the description note, I feel that you could describe the surroundings a little more. I can imagine the characters perfectly, (nice personalities for the pokemon! :)) But I do have a little problem with the surroundings. In the latest chapters there was an improvement, but in the earlier ones I felt a lacking. Probably just me though. :)

I like how this story is panning out, I am realizing from it what makes a full long story. With mine, it will always be short because I introduced only one plot line, with some twists, but there isn't much there to grow on. I will have to work on that...

A very good piece of writing, I look forward to the next installment! *thumbs up*
 
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The True Champion

Behold his Power
I like this story alot it is very interesting and your writing makes me want to keep on reading. I didn't seem to notice any typos but it doesn't really matter because your fic is awsome. I like the part about april and then seeing her again i am looking forward to seeing her part in your fic. As for cinder he is very orginal and same with totodile, what i have seen of slakloth he seems like a kick *** pokemon who won't take carp from any one even his own trainer. I hope that when he becomes Vigorath he devealops a greater bond with George. Now to Psydelus he most be the coolest Psyduck ever i have always hated what the show did to Psyduck like what water pokemon can't swim but what ever back to Psydulus he is so cool like what trainer good say i have a surfing Psyduck, i hope that you have Adam keep him because he is the coolest...... well second to Cinder at least, I hope that Adam does get to keep him because he definitly should have a psychic type on his team and Psydelus is perfect!!!!!!!!!!! I am looking ofrward to the next chapter because I really what to see the next gym battle and if Psydulus does stay on Adam's team I can't wait to see him kick *** against Brawly's pokemon. Keep up the good work!!!!!
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
I have been staring at your banner for some time, I finally got around to reading your story. Very well done! I enjoyed it immensely.
Yey! I'm glad you enjoyed it - special thanks for reviewing too =D

There were a few typos, here and there, but I can't really remember them now... They were in earlier chapters.
Yeah :3 Now Chibi is offering her brilliant betaing services, the many typos and such I make are swept away. I'll give some of the older chapters a looking over to see if I can find anything...

On the description notw, I feel that you could describe the surroundings a little more. I can imagine the characters perfectly, (nice personalities for the pokemon! ) But I do have a little problem with the surroundings.
Thanks fot the advice :D I'll try and increase the clarity of the surroundings without increasing the actual amount of description there, if you see what I mean.

like this story alot it is very interesting and your writing makes me want to keep on reading. I didn't seem to notice any typos but it doesn't really matter because your fic is awsome.
Thanks for the review The True Champion, I appreciate the feedback!

As for cinder he is very orginal and same with totodile, what i have seen of slakloth he seems like a kick *** pokemon who won't take carp from any one even his own trainer.
I'm glad you like the pokémon, as characterization is one of my weak points usually ^^ I love that phrase too... 'Won't take carp from anyone' XD

Now to Psydelus he most be the coolest Psyduck ever i have always hated what the show did to Psyduck like what water pokemon can't swim
Yeah; I always wondered why Misty didn't just givet hers a few asprin. And Golduck just look so darn cool... Glad you like the surfing duck :)

Thanks again to both of you for the reviews, which were inspiring enough to push me over my self inflicted writers block for this fic. As a reslt, here's the next interlude, brimming with crapp- I mean GOOD horror.

*flees*

~Interlude Two: The Culling~
The tall, shadowlike Xalo descended towards the distant light of the town below. Their bodies were shrouded completely by massive cloaks that billowed and coiled in the chill air. A shaft of moonlight splintered briefly through the dense cloud above, illuminating the malevolent, curved shapes of naked daggers that hung in wait by the side of each Xalo warrior. Beside them, ghostly wraiths whispered their way through the pale forest, chattering and snickering eagerly as they anticipated the bloodshed that was to come. They wove tendrils of damp, groping mist that obscured all signs of their presence, a deathly shroud that swam to cover the cheery face of the town ahead.

They soon came upon the paved road that led to the village, which was veiled for the most part by the ethereal mist of the ghosts. From what little could be seen of it, the village was a typical of the area; two story houses made of firm granite and capped with slated roofs. An eerie silence permeated the air; an ignored omen of things to come. As predicted, the town offered no resistance as they entered; the occupants were mostly asleep in bed, oblivious to the presence of the strangers. Drawing their daggers, the Xalo split into several groups, each creeping up to one of the large houses bordering the main street, hiding in the gardens. The main group hid in the bushes surrounding the mansion. Crouched low, one man reached out a blackened hand, and knocked loudly on the wooden door. Somebody swore from inside, before turning the lights on in one of the upstairs rooms. In the silence that followed, the shadows converged beside the Xalo, twisting into distinct, horrific shapes.

The most common was Sableye; an imp like creature with a spiked oval head and huge grasping claws tipped with vicious, serrated ivory claws. Octagonal eyes like murderous diamonds glanced around greedily, and the assembled Sableye broke into wide smiles full of knife-edged teeth as they sensed the prey drawing closer. Around them, Duskull hung like bloated corpses, their pallid gray flesh torn and rotting. Smooth, twisted skull faces stood out from the folds of their skin, illuminated by a single red eye that rolled between two cavernous sockets. A whole menagerie of different, though less numerous, pokémon appeared throughout the village, lurking impatiently for the signal.

After what seemed like an age, the grand mansion door was shoved open with an indignant squeal. A tall, middle aged man stood in the doorway, a lavish scarlet nightgown wrapped around him as he strode angrily into the garden, looking around with mixed feelings of rage and puzzlement. Shivering as an icy gust pulled at his white hair, he turned his back on the hidden men with an indignant mumble. An instant later, and the Xalo leapt up either side of him, stilettos flashing murderously as they cut through his wrinkled skin, ribbons of blood spurting from multiple wounds. A single, shrill shriek shattered the silence, and then the man was dead in a poll of blood. The ghosts leapt forwards, feasting on the warm flesh of the lone victim.

All over the village, doors burst open, people gazing out blearily before being enveloped in dark, crackling tentacles of energy or being cut apart by the deadly knives of the Xalo. Screams tore the air desperately as villagers were culled mercilessly. Man and ghost alike burst into house after house, searching relentlessly for the desired sacrifice, but to no avail. The ferocity of the search was boundless, all thoughts of stealth forgotten.

*********​
On the outskirts of the village, the hospital waiting room teemed with men, women and children who had escaped the massacre that was still taking place. Many were injured, either by their attempts to escape or by the mysterious attackers. Those that couldn’t walk were strapped to one of the huge, creamy brown birds that usually transported medicine to the town. The Pidgeot were uncomfortable inside the crowded room, and their large pink talons scratched noisily across the tiles, doing nothing to alleviate the panicking masses. April watched tearfully as her father and mother secured her younger brother between the wings of a jittery female avian.

As the last of the injured were prepared, a police officer made her way to the front of the crowd, her raven hair stuck to her face with sweat. The terrified audience glanced at the woman expectantly, and April could see her steeling herself. After confirming that everyone was ready to leave, she pulled herself up, raising her voice to be heard over the hysterical sobs that racked the room.

“I know you are all scared, and many of you have lost loved ones, but we must flee as quickly and silently as possible if we are to reach the safety of one of the neighboring towns,” she announced loudly, her voice shaking slightly. “I’ll lead us through the woods and into Davak. Our pursuers will have a hard time following us there.”

And then she was gone, bursting through the doors, followed swiftly by streams of desperate people. April was caught up and swept along, forced into a desperate run to stop herself being trampled to death. She held her mother’s hand tightly as her father broke away to the right of the crowd, reaching for a segmented red and white sphere that hung at his belt. Running sideways so his body would shield the dying town from the light that shot from the pokéball in his hand. He quickly rejoined the others as the glow faded, leaving the majestic form of Dragonite.

His muscled bulk was coloured a dark canary that stood out in the dark night like a dulled beacon. Small, emerald wings unfolded from his back, and he took to the air in a rush of wind, sailing high above the dashing forms of the Pidgeot. His rounded face surveyed the bloodied village with wise eyes, growling under his breath. Were it not for his duties as the group’s sentinel, he would have dearly liked to return the insult to those that had destroyed the home of his trainer, crushing the life from their veins with his massive, dexterous tail. Instead he kept a watchful eye scanning the ground below for any signs of the ghosts.

As the group entered the forest, he was forced to keep his distance from them by the spidery branches of the trees that arched over the dusty trail below. He felt uneasy being separated from the virtually defenseless humans scurrying below, but there was nothing he could do but stay alert. As it happened, he did not have to look long before he caught a glimpse of something moving through the trees; a dark wisp that glowed like a purple pyre of flame in the night. Searing with unbridled rage, Dragonite threw back his head, summoning his element. A green tongue of dragon fire lashed out from his mouth, licking the specter’s body painfully, burning its gaseous form as it howled in pain. It soon fell away through the trees, but the dragon could sense others approaching even in his moment of victory. It had been a long, painful night for them all.

He suspected it would get worse.

The End Of Interlude Two​
 
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M

mindripper

Guest
This is your review for your 2nd interlude. As you have amply stated, you did review my stuff, and the least I can do is to repay you in coin. I will pick out what I liked/disliked, and I will firstly state that I distance my mind from whatever BS I am slinging at you on the other threads, and however you interpret what I say is at your own discretion. On with the review.

nak
ed daggers that hung naked

Word repetition there.

Mist wove its way behind them

From this line, I instinctively gathered that you sued a personification of "mist", but I do not think that was the case. It does not flow well the way it is right now. I think you should be able to change it yourself.

which was veiled for the most part by the ethereal mist of the ghosts

Nothing wrong with this, but I feel that you passed up the chance to do something even more impactful with this. Flesh it out more; have the mist swirling around the ghosts. Have the ghosts' malevolent eyes playing hide and seek with the story's viewpoint. Describe your ghosts from head to knee, and conclude that their feet were lost in the mists, or that perhaps... Get waht I mean? Fill in that line yourself.

Shivering as an icy gust pulled his white hair

"Pulled at", ok?

I know you are all scared, and many of you have lost loved ones, but we must flee as quickly and silently as possible if we are to reach the safety of one of the neighboring towns,” she announced loudly, her voice shaking slightly. “I’ll lead us through the woods and into Davak. Our pursuers will have a hard time following us there.”

And then she was gone, bursting through the doors, followed swiftly by streams of desperate people

Something seems wrong with this. These people are supposed to be scared witless. They seemed like they are in some lethargic spell instead of being utterly terrified. You should have an out burst. FOr example, your room is entirely silent at the start, with everyone looking at everyone else, deciding if what had happened was a dream or not. Zoom and focus on one face, and then move on to another, and then another. Suddenly, have someone start screaming in the midst of the deafening silence. Link that to what you have and fit it in somehow, and the emotions would be conveyed better.

Those were the parts I had problems with. Other than that, the interlude was actually pretty well done. You seem to have improved from what I remember of you, although I admit that my perception could have been coloured by certain "events". I take nothing away from your control of the environmental factors, and that you did not merely resort to gratituitous violence. I was playing RE4 just now, and this one reminds me slightly of RE2, except that the situation you depicted did not seem utterly hopeless. A little SH feeling as well. I like it that you described each pokemon's standout feature, and then moved on quickly. Something that others, including myself, seem to have forgotten at times. It was pretty short, and so i end here. Till next time.

EDIT-- Do clear your inbox. My next review and any others in the future will be PMed to you, if you would like them.
 
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Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Clearing my inbox is a hard task, as I find the text only versions hard to read, and I like to have the most memorable ready to read. But ok, I shall clear room, though PMing reviews is an awfully strange concept o_O

On to the actual review replying thing...

Word repetition there.
So there is; I meant to say something totally different there XD

From this line, I instinctively gathered that you sued a personification of "mist", but I do not think that was the case. It does not flow well the way it is right now. I think you should be able to change it yourself.
I didn't really intend to personify mist, more to imply that the ghosts were weaving it, and thus its source. I'll go change that in a second.

Nothing wrong with this, but I feel that you passed up the chance to do something even more impactful with this. Flesh it out more; have the mist swirling around the ghosts. Have the ghosts' malevolent eyes playing hide and seek with the story's viewpoint. Describe your ghosts from head to knee, and conclude that their feet were lost in the mists, or that perhaps... Get waht I mean? Fill in that line yourself.
I wasn't kidding in that line; they really ARE ethereal... as in, even the few ghosts' that DO have feet don't have them in this form, and they don't have eyes as such either. I described them later on, but now they were exactly as I described them - wraith like. As it was a fairly fast paced sort of thing, I tried not to slow down the pace too much with needless repetition of words like 'malevolent'.

Something seems wrong with this. These people are supposed to be scared witless. They seemed like they are in some lethargic spell instead of being utterly terrified. You should have an out burst. FOr example, your room is entirely silent at the start, with everyone looking at everyone else, deciding if what had happened was a dream or not. Zoom and focus on one face, and then move on to another, and then another. Suddenly, have someone start screaming in the midst of the deafening silence. Link that to what you have and fit it in somehow, and the emotions would be conveyed better.
Well, most of them were shellshocked, but many had burst into tears; I was trying to demonstrate the different reactions whilst keeping it brief. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll review the scene, maybe lengthen it, but not in the way you described. After all, then I'd be writing your fic :p

Other than that, the interlude was actually pretty well done.
No need to sound so suprised ;)

Anyway, thanks for the helpful review Mindripper!
 

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
The most common was Sableye; an imp like creature with a spiked oval head and huge grasping claws tipped with vicious, serrated ivory claws. Octagonal eyes like murderous diamonds glanced around greedily, and the assembled Sableye broke into wide smiles full of knife-edged teeth as they sensed the prey drawing closer. Around them, Duskull hung like bloated corpses, their pallid gray flesh torn and rotting. Smooth, twisted skull faces stood out from the folds of their skin, illuminated by a single red eye that rolled between two cavernous sockets. A whole menagerie of different, though less numerous, pokémon appeared throughout the village, lurking impatiently for the signal.

FWEE for the nifty description of the Ghosts. Did a nice job of making both Sableye and Duskull seem both dangerous and creepy; even kind of icky...

But I still think Sableye and Duskull are really pretty cute, and I always will. ^^

Now, Dusclops, on the other hand... o~o

...But I digress.

An instant later, and the Xalo leapt up either side of him, stilettos flashing murderously as they cut through his wrinkled skin, ribbons of blood spurting from multiple wounds. A single, shrill shriek shattered the silence, and then the man was dead in a poll of blood. The ghosts leapt forwards, feasting on the warm flesh of the lone victim.

Fweeeee, murder most fun! *chuckles unwholesomely and does giddy dance* Ah, but you you surely must know that that's something I always like to see. Come on, you have to admit that was pretty cool. ^^ LET THE BLOOD FLOW! :D

So you might say there were schifty five typos before that hard proofreading work? ;)

No, actually there were schfifty-five and heif. :3
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Pretty good interlude, Elemental! I felt in the moment, I especially liked your description of the Pokemon. On the description front, excellent! I could see it all, it was brilliant.

Keep it up! :)
 
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Tale

Well-Known Member
...

I love your fic. I love it so much.

What an interllude! Have I mentioned how your fic inspires me so? How it pops so many questions into my head, questions I want answered.

This interlude produced such an amazing atmosphere, such an amazing thrill. I loved it! The Pokemon used, the description of it all, the characters created. It does so much.

My most dearly loved part of the chapter is from where Dragonite appears. He is so freaking cool! For some strange reason, I love dhow you made him soar above the Pigeotto - that image was just so awesome. His authority was well portrayed, and highly interesting. Everything about this interlude posed so many questions.

Loved it loved it loved it loved it. You HAVE to hurry with the next chapter EC! Please!
 
R

Ray_League_Champion

Guest
Greetings everyone especially Elemental Charizard!

What more can I say, one of the best journey fics I have read. The characters are superb; I love Cinder's personality, his cheekiness has brought several smiles to my face! I like Totodile as well and her rivalry with Cinder is one of the best parts of the fic.

I was wondering though if you could develop the main characters of George and Adam a bit more. So far we don't know much about them as people. I really like Slakoth's boss-man attitude complemented with the fact that he falls asleep at every available oppurtunity.

Watch out for a few spelling mistakes here and there.

I love the interludes as well you would hardly ever see them even in books yet I love the concept of side stories that are actually woven together with the main plot. Your interlude in particular is great. I was actually shivering in fear after that last one! (Okay maybe a bit of an exageration but it still spooked me!)

Great fic and I will enjoy reading it 11/10!

;239;
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Wow, that's a lot of reviews! Thanks to everybody!

Review Answering Post:
Sike:
FWEE for the nifty description of the Ghosts. Did a nice job of making both Sableye and Duskull seem both dangerous and creepy; even kind of icky...

But I still think Sableye and Duskull are really pretty cute, and I always will. ^^

Now, Dusclops, on the other hand... o~o
Darn, I knew I should've gone for the Dusclops - but Duskull look so much more evil, with that rolling red eye... Dusclops just look like they have a bad pair of grey pajamas on. Glad you liked them though, even if they were cute XD

LET THE BLOOD FLOW!
I thought you might like the gory aspects :D

No, actually there were schfifty-five and heif. :3
Foiled by technicalities!

Tale:
...

I love your fic. I love it so much.

What an interllude! Have I mentioned how your fic inspires me so? How it pops so many questions into my head, questions I want answered.
Glad it's inspiring, though why you love it somuch is still beyond me Tale :p But I'm glad the Interlude raised quewstions, as that's one of their main aims.

My most dearly loved part of the chapter is from where Dragonite appears. He is so freaking cool! For some strange reason, I love dhow you made him soar above the Pigeotto - that image was just so awesome. His authority was well portrayed, and highly interesting. Everything about this interlude posed so many questions.
I'm glad you like the Dragonite, as he features quite a bit in the nrext few Interludes :D

Ray League Champion:
What more can I say, one of the best journey fics I have read. The characters are superb; I love Cinder's personality, his cheekiness has brought several smiles to my face! I like Totodile as well and her rivalry with Cinder is one of the best parts of the fic.

I was wondering though if you could develop the main characters of George and Adam a bit more. So far we don't know much about them as people. I really like Slakoth's boss-man attitude complemented with the fact that he falls asleep at every available oppurtunity.
Yeah, it seems I have the problem opposite to that many authors have; no personality in the humans rather than the pokémon. Well, I still like them, but I'll continue character development in the next chapter. The problem may be that George is supposed to be a very normal character, though I guess not as adam suffers from the same critiscism... *rambles on* Thanks for the advice!

Really appreciate the reviews everuybody! Just a quick update: so far I've done half a page of the new Chapter, though I hope to do more today :D
 

IceKing

Sexorific!
[Chapter Seven Review

-“Nice tangent guv’nor. Back on topic, you know I was thinking that maybe once we’ve got a few badges under our belts it might be best to cut from the crowd; take a different route through the gyms than others,”- said Charmander.

EWW! BRITISH HUMOR! *GOUGES OUT EYES* That would be nice if they did take a different route from the norm, adds a bit more originality. This chapter was good, I love your style of writing and Chibi Pika is an effective beta, spotted no mistakes whatsoever. I wish you kinda explained things more than summarizing them (the latter part being a skill I need) like their training and walking to the gym. Show more of their feelings and emotions rather than just rush them into the battle. I'd like to see a bit more in between gym battles. As for the battles, they were nicely described but the first one went by WAAAAAY too quickly and Roxanne posed no threat whatsoever. She should have a bit more personality as well; she's kinda dull and her speech seems rather rehearsed, though her "Oh hell..." line was rather funny

Charmander learning metal claw at the rock gym is so overdone its not funny. I actually skipped the battle thinking I read it before! You gotta great writing style, dont harm it with unoriginality. But I know this fic is going to get VERY interesting so I'm not worried

Chapter Eight

Hah! So they have nicknames now, aye? I liked the part where Adam said how cliche Flare and Flame were. One strength you have in this fic is that the pokemon have nice personalities, as shown by their ability to speak. I wasn't too fond of the start, too many one liner dialogues for a section, I wonder what they did on their visit home o_0? I can see your Britishness in your writing style, which I quite like since it keeps me hooked. Favorite part was definetely the Dratini VS Gyarados. I thought the girl was one of the bad guys and trying to destroy the ship *coughs and looks away* then I realized she was just trying to capture the gyarados. Very nicely described, Adam and George need to give her a nice telling off for nearly wrecking the ship though. Wonder what was with that surfing psyduck, that was rather random.

Chapter Nine

-“I thought an accent gave me more personality, you know, to go with my name and all…”-

....XD

A white baseball cap adorned his head, with the traditional Houenn half-pokéball symbol sown in black thread. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt with a discreet white ‘ᇘ’ logo in the right corner. His black pokéball bearing belt had six metallic spheres attached in their shrunken forms, though only one was occupied. Underneath he wore pale grey sports trousers and a pair of shiny white running shoes.

Don't go too all out on the clothes. Whats the white logo supposed to be? And also, your misspelling Hoenn or Hoeen. I dont know how its spelled either, I just know theres no u.

She was wearing a black t-shirt and long dark trousers, which looked uncomfortable in this

I second that o_0


Another nice chapter, you portrayed the atmosphere of the city very well, I could feel the heat on my own neck. Was the muscle guy Brawly? I thought he was because of the light blue hair, but I figured someone would have pointed that out in the chapter. I forgot Charmander was black but not shiny, I'll bet a million dollars (or pounds) that it has to do with the plot. The battle was rather random but interesting, not as good as Dratini VS Gyarados though. The dream was definetely the best part of this chapter, very intriguing and adds more to Charmander's position in the plot. I can only wonder I suppose... Anyway, good job and good luck! As for critique, watch out for the cliches and that's pretty much it. Description was goood as well

Chapter Ten review

“The government should really do something about Houenn’s huge underground tree problem,” choked Adam, spitting a mouthful of salty soil onto the floor.

Like Britainland needs to do something with the excessive monocle problem!

“Yeah, it’s a conspiracy alright.”

A conspiracy like Britainland and they're...*gets shot*

“Calm down, the only way this Sableye would kill somebody is by tickling them to death,”

Or gouging their eyes out

-“Heh, I sure kicked his ***!”- laughed Cinder happily, shaking his small arms in imitation of a boxer.
GASP! HE USED A BAD WORD!

Adam’s anatomical contemplation was tragically cut off mid-sentence by a large yellow duck hitting him on his head. Hard.

I foudn that to be funny. Very funny.[/B]

eyeing Psydelus carefully.

how does he learn his name

The young trainer knew what the Psyduck meant. Unclipping one from his belt, he dropped the silver pokéball.

And there we go! He catches a pokemon


Nice chapter again, good battles especially, and we saw some interaction between George and Slakoth. I like your choices for pokemon so far, they aren't too common and are rather interesting. I kinda wanted Adam to get Sableye since I love Sableye, but a surfing Psyduck seems like it will have much more entertaining results. Did it steal its surfboard from a human or something? The Charmander VS Sableye was described beautiful though the Charmander VS Psyduck was a bit short, only a few pargraphs. Your battles can be very nice at their best levels, I can hardly await the gym battle. I like how short your chapters are, keep it like that =P Goodbye!


Interlude 2 Review

a poll of blood. The ghosts leapt forwards, feasting on the warm flesh of the lone victim.

Should be pool. You sure can do some good horror if you want to, you'll be a formidable opponent in ToT.



This interlude wasn't as "wow" as the first one, but it was still very good and chilling. Watch out, sometimes there can be too many details at once in this interlude making it kinda hard to read. I personally wish you made things a bit more gruesome, though the ghosts devouring the man's flesh was rather nice. Everytime I hear Xalo Warrior I keep thinking Xiao Lin Warrior! It was nice to see April back, I'm guessing she'll be an important part to the interludes. I also like how you keep your interludes nice and short, I might do something like that for WIQ since I originally planned it.


Overall fic review: Its going nicely but still has room for cranking up! Good luck writing!


IceKing....out
 
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R

Ray_League_Champion

Guest
I know this is a bit of a spammy post but I was really gettin into this fic and am really missing it. Any idea on when the next chapter will be up?
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
More than half of the latest chapter is done, I just can't get at it at the moment. Expect it to be udated relatively soon! (A few weeks :p).

Does anyone still care? No?

Didn't think so.
 

Venastois

Well-Known Member
wow, this is one of the better fix that i read. the interludes are great, no one else has them... though if you dont post the next one soon, i'll sick my sableye on you. ;)

anyway, i'm kind of a closet reader, so i probably won't post all that much, and even if i do, it might not be a review, but just a commnet.

anyway, great fic and post as soon as possible!
 
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