I've got this cool idea but I don't know.....

[rayquazair]

My idea is that there is this kid just walkin' along and then,he is grabbed into an alleyway.So he sees this armored knight standing in front of him,and he is letting off bright light.He explains that he is the light guardian,and there is a darkness guardian.He is going to try to defeat the darkness guardian,but cannot do it alone.The kid agrees and he is on a journey to find and stop the darkness guardian.It's non-pokemon,but do you think it will be good?If you need convincing,here is a sample of the prolouge:

PROLUGE
Once,long ago,there was an evil that controlled the world.That is,until a brave knight vanquished this evil warrior.Now,in the present,a normal boy walks down the streets."man,this is stupid.I HAVE FREAKING HOMEWORK IN THE SUMMER!Why,and how?I did noth-"the boy was yanked into the alley."Who are you?"the boy,named Michael,said.The warroir said nothing,but handed him a book."read this.Study it,and meet me at the docks.To find me,look for a painted spot onthe wood.Grab the center,make sure no one's looking,and climb in the hole."The warrior said."I will."michael replied."You'll find the reason in the book.",and,with have saying that,he vanished.

Remember,that was only a SAMPLE.

 

[rayquazair]

Hello?Uh,26 views!no replys!What wrong?

 

[Breezy]

Frankly love, it won't be any good if you write like that. >>; The reviewers will eat you alive without even reading it.

In my opinion, I would make the prologue about how the warrior vanquished the evil warrior and then get into Micheal being pulled into the alleyway and being told about the journey and stuff as chapter one. I think it would be nice to have some background information on that.

There isn't enough information to actually comment on the 'fic itself. Anything else you can tell me or is that all you planned out?

 

[.:Ultimate Shroomish:.]

It would be better if you introduced the character and wh ythe knight has to fight and where they live. trust me, I have my own fic.^_^

 

[The Burnt Shadow]

Um, this would be a good non pokemon fic, but try and expand the beginning a little. Normally at first, people would awfully be hesitant about if they should do what they need to do and need some convincing to do it. Plus elaborate a bit more...

 

[rayquazair]

Frankly love, it won't be any good if you write like that. >>; The reviewers will eat you alive without even reading it.

In my opinion, I would make the prologue about how the warrior vanquished the evil warrior and then get into Micheal being pulled into the alleyway and being told about the journey and stuff as chapter one. I think it would be nice to have some background information on that.

There isn't enough information to actually comment on the 'fic itself. Anything else you can tell me or is that all you planned out?

It's a SAMPLE.

 

[katiekitten]

...Isn't a sample supposed to be an extract from the actual text? A little taster of what is to come? If so, then what Breezy has said, (*salutes* XD) is perfectly fine, because if that is what your writing is going to be like, it needs to be sorted out now. Oh, and if that is what you actual prologue is going to be, (based on the use of 'sample'), then again, you need to listen to what Breezy has said. =D

...Poor wittle return key. ;_;

A couple of hints:

After a comma, you have a space. =D

If you have another person talking, you start a new line, with a line gap. Like the above. Before they start speaking. And if the first person replies, you do the same thing. Like so:

Bob was walking down the street. It was a sunny day. Vincent was walking down the opposit side, and waved a hello. Bob smiled.

"Hello vincent!" He called.

"Hello Bob!" Vincent replied...

You get the picture. XD

Last hint: Space after a fullstop/period as well. =D

 

[The Doctor]

It might be interesting if you swapped the roles of light and darkness around. Y'know, like in Yu-Gi-Oh! GX? Oh, let me explain.

Spoiler: Second season

Jaden goes blind for a bit and can't see his cards, so he adds cards he created as a child; chiefly the Elemental Hero Neos. He regains the ability to see his other Heroes after he visits Neo Space and he learns of the ongoing struggle between darkness and light. The twist is the Society Of Light are the villains and Jaden, the hero, needs darkness to prevail over the sinister light.

So if you swap roles around, you create a fresh spin on the whole "good vs. evil" thing and you have a bit of originality.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

It might be only a sample, but remember that people have only this sample of your work to go on. Yeh can't blame folks for assuming yeh've not put a lot of effort into the story if yeh haven't put a lot of effort into the only segment they've seen of it. Yeh might have put oodles and oodles of effort in, but if your sample doesn't reflect that, how were the people who saw this supposed to know?

And I reckon most of what people are reacting so negatively to is simply the messy formatting. Spelling, grammar and punctuation errors abounding, this sample is hard to read both from a 'deciphering the meaning from unclearly punctuated text' point of view and a 'wow, this cramped spacing is straining my eyes' point of view. Simple solution? See below.

PROLOGUE​

Once, long ago, there was an evil that controlled the world. That is, until a brave knight vanquished this evil warrior. Now, in the present, a normal boy walks down the streets.

"Man, this is stupid. I HAVE FREAKING HOMEWORK IN THE SUMMER! Why, and how? I did noth-"

The boy was yanked into the alley.

"Who are you?" the boy, named Michael, said.

The warroir said nothing, but handed him a book.

"Read this. Study it, and meet me at the docks. To find me, look for a painted spot on the wood. Grab the center, make sure no one's looking, and climb in the hole," the warrior said.

"I will," Michael replied.

"You'll find the reason in the book."

Having said that, he vanished.

And that is approximately how this little sample might look once the rules of spelling, grammar and punctuation are applied to it. Remember, when authors don't bothered to correct those little things, it can be interpretted as a lack of interest in their part. And if the author isn't interested in their own story, why should the readers be? And why should they strain themselves if they author can't go to the trouble of making the story that bit easier to read? There's a lot of other stories that DO have proper spelling/grammar/punctuation and nothing physically forcing readers to read your story - against those odds, it's generally a wise idea to get your story in the bunch of ones that ARE correct spelling/grammar/punctuation-wise. Also, see how it's a lot more spaced out? That sort of thing can really help to break up your story and make it more interpretable for your readers. ^^

A bit more description might be nice as well. Yeh've obviously got quite a dramatic scene there - a bit more detail about what this warrior looks like might help. Is he a tall, imposing character in ancient and intricate armour? Is he a short, chubby fellow with a broad grin and drab attire? The type of person the warrior is has a strong effect on the atmosphere of the scene. If the warrior is a foreboding sort, Micheal might be feeling scared or threated. If the warrior is a friendly and approachable, Micheal might be feeling more confident and willing to ask questions.

A little more info about Micheal's emotional state might help as well. At the moment, it's possible for the reader to improvise what Micheal's feeling, but they shouldn't have to. It might feel like stating the obvious, but it IS worth spoon-feeding your readers what's happening if it means they have less work to do. Readers can be terribly lazy things and tend to shy away from stories where they have to do the work. XD If yeh want people to enjoy your story, make sure they can just sit back and absorb and enjoy. ^^

Anyway, hope this gives a bit of insight into what people are griping about. Best of luck and fun to you! And if yeh need want anything in this post elaborated on or explained, or if you yeh want anything else commented on, let me know! Yeh've got quite a potent little beginning here, so please, put it to good use!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[rayquazair]

Hey,Hey,Hey!I'm new!So if your tryin' to bash you betta stop!

 

[Shadows Follower]

PT is not bashing you, she's trying to give you helpful advice. You just going to ignore it?

Anyway, I agree with some others in spacing it out and watching your spelling (boy do I know that). Helps people to read better. Also a word of advice:-

Hey,Hey,Hey!I'm new!

This excuse will never give you any sympathy here trust me on that. Your sample seems to be a bit lacking. Where did this evil come? Where does the good come from? Any reason this knight picked that certain boy? Why was he waiting in an alley? Etc

Just cause its a sample doesn't mean you can skip on infomation. If its the basic storyline for your story, you need to describe it to people in more detail so they can get a better picture. The idea is ok but I would need more infomation before I decide to read it. Thats my advice.

 

[Saffire Persian]

First of all, Pinecone Tortoise is the a she. XD

Second of all, there's no way in heck that she's bashing you. She does not bash anyone -- you have just met one of the nicest people in the forums. o.0 She was trying to help you. And I agree with what she said.

The reviewers will eat you alive without even reading it.

Nice, Breezy. XD *puts it in quotebook*

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Bashing? *blink* Who, me? Whoah, dude, sorry if it came out like that... I have this tendency to give long answers where short ones would suffice - which can look pretty intimidating when yeh're faced with oodles of suggestions. But I honestly didn't mean to attack you... mebbe what's needed here is a rephrasing?

What I was basically trying to say was that people have only seen the sample you've put up. And the thing people are most opposed to about it is probably just that it looks a bit messy and people don't like doing the work the author could be doing. It just looks hard to read - and that's very easily fixed. If you're not familiar with the rules of spelling, grammar and punctuation, just ask someone who is to give you a hand with it.

I know you're new - that's part of why I'm saying all this stuff. New authors often just don't realise that readers can be so picky about stuff like spacing and spelling and so forth. They don't realise how much the readers want to be spoon-fed the story. This isn't particularly fair on new writers, but while I can't go out and change what readers expect and demand, I can give new writers some idea of what they're up against.

And remember, a lot of the readers here on the forums are writers as well, so they DO know what you're going through and what they're asking of you.

So, yah, apologies again if you felt I was being cruel. I was truly trying to do the opposite.

Best of luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;




On a side note:

She does not bash anyone -- you have just met one of the nicest people in the forums.

Aww, shucks, thanks! ^^

 

[Jetx]

Sounds kind of cliche to me. I'd work on your grammar before you start writing. Spaces after commas and full stops/periods for those americans. It doesn't look to me like you use MS Word either.

 

[CWisgood]

So basically your plot is Good versus Evil? Very cliched.

And the whole 'Michael pulled in alley' thing is cliched too. Why does the knight need Michael specifically, instead of some smarter, stronger person? Why does Michael agree to what the knight said? For all he knows there might be a gang of perverts hiding in the hole waiting to... do something.

Moreover, how can the knight walk and talk to Michael if he vanquished the evil a long time ago? He should've been long dead if he's a normal human. And why doesn't anyone care there's a warrior in the street?