Jake's Only Shot

[Torchibusken]

Go on. You might like it, it's a one-shot fic based on ASB battling.

Pad’s Only Shot

Jake, the rookie and challenger trainer at the Orange Islands’ summer tournament surveyed the battlefield with interest. This was his first year at the Islands’ championship; he originally came from Hoenn, but took a luxury cruise with the league money he had gotten there. The field was a calm picnic scene, the kind of one you would find in some old happy family outing, with overhanging trees over a lake at the far left of the field. He waited tentatively on the challenger’s stand, wondering when his opponent would appear. Suddenly, a rustling in one of the pear trees caught his eye. A mid-adult girl fell from the tree and instantaneously righted herself.
“Come down, challenger, and send out your Pokémon. I am Selenaira, your first challenge at the Orange Island’s tournament.”
She was proportionately built, and wore an orange shirt and ultramarine shorts. She pressed a button on a small object clenched in her other hand, and it enlarged into a Pokéball. With a flick of her wrist, Selenaira tossed it onto the bank of the lake, where it materialized into a dragon-shaped seahorse. Jake immediately whipped out his Pokédex, and flashed it towards the horse, now floating serenely in the water.
“KINGDRA, the Dragon pokemon.
KINGDRA sleeps on the seafloor where it is otherwise devoid of life. When a storm arrives, the POKéMON is said to awaken and wander about in search of prey.”
Jack’s mind rumbled about to think of a Pokemon that could overpower a dragon. He finally made a decision and hurled one of his Pokéballs out into the field. It materialized
To form a doglike blue and yellow pokemon that crackled with little volts of electricity. Selenaira spoke first.
“Corale, use Dragon dance!”
“ Sparkpad, use Thunder Wave!”

The Manetric reared up and started to gather small volts of electricity into his body and out his mouth, forming an imprisoning column around Selenaira’s Kingdra. Corale immediately reared up and started to circulate in the water, small blue and red orbs circled around her at various speeds. Sparkpad’s Thunder Wave finally descended into the water, making Corale let loose a howl, but she did not appear to be in pain. Surprised, Jack opened up his Pokédex and checked the weaknesses for Kingdra.
O: Dragon
X: Fire, Ice, Grass, Electric
Jack cursed his luck, knowing that the only reason he had called out his Manectric was to amplify Corale’s weakness.
“Sparkpad, use Take down! Try to send that water over Kingdra’s head!” Sparkpad ran forward and tackled Corale with all of his strength. A small wave of water came up, around and fell an inch away from Corale, now still relaxed from the impact that was taken away by the water.
Selenaira’s face tensed and new commands leaped out of her mouth. “Corale, use twister, and then Ice Beam! Get above Sparkpad!
“Sparkpad, try a Thunder! Aim for her mouth!” Corale closed her eyes and summoned a mighty gust of wind that blew Sparkpad up and over her, and then released a freezing icy bean from her mouth. Sparkpad cringed in the air, and his legs and body shined with an inch-deep coating of ice.
“Now, Sparkpad! Use Thunder!” Jake was practically screaming. The now-frozen Manectric’s eyes tensed, and became yellow. The clouds overhead turned gray and a colossal streak of lightning came down and struck Corale right on her mouth. Corale eyes became blank…she swirled a bit in the water…and then fell down, unconscious.

“Corale is unable to battle! Sparkpad is the victor!” The ref waved his green flag over his head to signify Jake had won. Selenaira stomped over and asked him “How did that not miss? Your Manectric was completely frozen!”

“Thunder is doubly accurate when it rains. Next time…don’t make so much waves.”

Jake walked out of the field and on to the next center, leaving Selenaira pulsating with anger behind him.

 

[Clare]

The first thing I would suggest is that you space your paragraphs out - since you can't indent on this board, this would make it easier to tell where one paragraph ends and the next begins. Also, it is a little on the short side; try expanding on what you write and spinning key events out a little. In addition, the ending seems a little bland. And was the sole purpose of writing this to describe a battle scene?

On the plus side, the spelling, punctuation and grammar is reasonably good and there is some good description. So there's a chance the mods will allow this to stand . . .

 

[Magi of all]

Many problems here. First of all, your fic is way to short. a page and a half in word does not a chapter make. Lenght is important becuase it draws in the reader. To short and you have nothing to keep our interest.

Next you lack description. We have no idea what Jake looks like. He could be 90 feet tall with cheeseburgers for hands for all we know. Describe him. Talk about his hair, clothes, face, pinky finger, anything you can think of. Your description that is there also needs work. Selenaira, which is a weird name by the way, is "proportionately built, and wore an orange shirt and ultramarine shorts." If you describe a person in one line, then you did a bad job. Also, what color is ultramarine. Another thing, who describes a battle field as a clam picnic scene? Does the audiance get to eat down there after the fight? Its a battle field, not a park. To sum it up, describe everything in at least some detail.

Thirdly, your characters stink. They are flat and sue/stu-ish. Jake could be any random trainer in the world, he needs a distinct personality. Right now, he's a flat Ash clone, also known as a Gary-Stu. Make him unique, give him flaws and strengths, friends and enemys, ups and downs.

Lastly, that battle was so bland it could have been taken of a GameBoy screne. Again, description is nessecary and helpful. Don't just think of a battle on your GameBoy screne, Think of a fight between two creatures that can shoot lightning and control water. Be as realistic as the world will allow. Why is jake not running to his Manectric to see if it is allright. For that matter, how can a frozen pokemon attack. The nature of freezing prohibits it.

Take this advice to heart, Read the Advice of Aspiring Authors and give this another try. It could be great, but you need to work with your story more. So long and good luck.

 

[Torchibusken]

...
As Clare said, I wrote it purely to describe a battle scene. I deliberately did not throw any emotions in there. I did not describe trainers. It was based off an ASB battle- scenes can be anything there. Did you really think this was a final draft? I posted it here so I can have crits, this is my second fic. I know, I'm not very good. Thanks for critting.