John's Pokemon Quest!

[Mudkip8003]

This Story is called John's Pokemon Quest. Let me give you some info about it. First, This part is in Kanto. John is wanting to get 8 gym badges. His friend Kate is going for 5 ribbens.They are steting out on there journy together and helping each other out. They start in Plalet Town. So here we go into John and Kate's Quest!

Chapter 1: Begin off from Palet Town!

As the sun came up bright and early, John woke up, eager to get ready for an action-paked day! Today is a day with many suprises in wich John was starting his pokemon quest! John is a tall boy with spikey hair wich was brown. He loved puting on his red shirt and blue jeans that he had on now. As he ate his breakfast, His mom said "Are you ready to start your journy?" "Yes, Mom!" John repled as the took the last bite of his breckfast. As he put his things in his backpack he asked his mom "Oh, I forgot! How is Jolteon?" Jolteon, his pet was a very kind pokemon. "Doing fine, John. Remember to call if you need any help, O.K.?" Mom asked. "Sure!" John happly said. As he said one last good bye he set off, beging hs pokemon quest!

As he walked outside, his best friend, Kate walked out to. John said "Are you all ready?" "Yup!" Kate stated. Kate is a tall girl with wavey bloned hair with a blue bag and a pink vizer. They walked up to Prof. Oak's lab.As they both kocked on the door together Prof. Oak came out. "Are you two coming to get your starter pokemon?" he asked."Yes!" they both anwsered. Prof. Oak lead them inside to a table with 3 pokeballs on them. "You will chose one of these 3 pokemon," he said. Prof. Oak took the 3 pokeballs and out came Squrite, Bulbasar and Charmander. "It's so hard" John started. "To chose!" Kate finished. Prof. Oak laffed at that. John and Kate looked realy hard at the 3. But soon, they came to a disisen. "I chose Bulbasar!" Kate yelled. "I...I...I...I chose Squrite!" John yelled. "Squrit!" "Bulba!" the two pokemon yelled, happy they have new trainers. "Charr..." Charmander said, sadly. "Don't worry, Charmander, a new trainer named Rachel might pick you," Prof. Oak said. He was happy now. "Now here are 2 Pokedexes, one blue, one pink, and 5 pokeballs for both of you." Prof. Oak said. "Thanks!" the two exclamed. And with that, John and Kate set off for Route 101!

Thanks for reading! Tell me if I have any mistakes. ( Just so you know, I don't have the best grammer) I expect Chapter 2 up in about a week. Next chapter name being told in 3 days! I hope you liked it!

 

[Yami Ryu]

I doth proclaim.. I liked it better when the chapter limit was three pages, not two, and definately not a one page limit like a psycho wanted.

Chapter? What chapter? Outside a rushed and skimpy string of words here, I see no chapter.

So trainer A and trainer B suddenly go skipping along and choose Squirtle and Bulbasaur. If I wanted something that simple and boring, I'd crack open my old Red and Blue games and play them.

There's no description or information outside a paltry information dump about the main character; and then outside of that everything unsurprisingly becomes flat, bland and tacky. Why should anyone read this? Why would anyone want to read this? When as I said, if we wanted an adventure story with no plot, no character development, no good interaction, we can go and crack open a pokemon game and start a new file.

You also bunched talking together; a no-no.

I suggest you go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the Rules thread, two threads you should have read before posting this.

And please don't use age or this was my first time! as an excuse.

 

[Dragonfree]

Okay. As it is, this is too short; the rules require chapters to be at least two pages in length. This is not just an arbitrary requirement, either; the fact is that while very special circumstances can make short chapters necessary to get your intended effect across, that only happens when you really know what you're doing, and in the vast majority of cases, if your chapter is shorter than two pages, it is a sign that you're doing something wrong, most likely that your prose is way too fast-paced or that you're cutting off after only five minutes' worth of events. In your case, it's mostly the former. You must write longer chapters, or this thread will be closed.

Now, I'll just go through the whole thing.

This Story is called John's Pokemon Quest. Let me give you some info about it. First, This part is in Kanto. John is wanting to get 8 gym badges. His friend Kate is going for 5 ribbens.They are steting out on there journy together and helping each other out. They start in Plalet Town. So here we go into John and Kate's Quest!

This kind of thing should never be necessary. The story ought to speak for itself; your characters' motivations should be clear from their actions and dialogue without you explaining them to us first. Also, it's "ribbons", "starting", "journey" and "Pallet", in the context of "there journy" it should be "their journey" ("there" is something that you could replace with "here" and it would still make sense), and one generally wouldn't speak of "going into" their quest.

Chapter 1: Begin off from Palet Town!

Generally, I don't think one would speak of "beginning off from" somewhere, either. English isn't your first language, is it? It's not mine either, but I've been writing for a while. When writing in a language you're not fluent in, it is especially important to read a lot and make careful note of comments about one's word usage, so I hope you will do that. Again, that should be Pallet Town.

You continue making all sorts of spelling errors or typos (you should usually run your story through a spellchecking program before you post it) as well as often wording things very oddly throughout; I'm afraid I'm too lazy to go through and correct them all.

Now, one of the first problems I notice is that your tenses keep fluctuating. The sun came up, but then suddenly today is a day of surprises. You go on like this; John is a tall boy, but his hair was brown. Stick to one tense throughout; either you tell this all as if it happened in the past or you tell it all as if it were happening now. Most stories are written in past tense, using "came", "was" and so on, so I recommend that.

I couldn't help raising an eyebrow at the mention of John "loving" to put on his red shirt and blue jeans; why does he love putting them on? (I mean, I'd understand just loving to get dressed in general, or loving the clothes, but loving to put these on in particular?)

Now, then we get to the paragraphing. If you read books, you'll notice that there is always a paragraph break before somebody new begins to speak. This is necessary to make the story easier to read and follow.

Now, we get again to why this chapter is so short. You're not describing what happens in enough detail; while you include descriptions of what your characters look like, you don't give any life to the story as it is happening. Do more of describing exactly what people are doing, every step of the way instead of just skimming over it with something like "They walked up to Professor Oak's lab." Where is the lab? Is it far? Are they talking on the way (and if so, about what)? Oak sends the starters out; what do they do? Do they look expectantly up at John and Kate? Does the Charmander seem hopeful while the Bulbasaur just looks indifferently down at the floor? (That would give the starters some character, as well.) John has a hard time choosing; why is that? Is he thinking about their advantages and disadvantages? If so, show us what he's thinking! It would make the story a lot more interesting.

Good luck with your next chapter. Take it slow, write it on a word processor where you can save it, spellcheck it and take your time, and try to work on going more in depth about what is happening. Right now you're skimming over the events at breakneck speed, and it doesn't make for a very good read.

(And Yami, exactly how is the minimum page requirement relevant here, if I may ask? This is under half a page in Word, and the last fic I saw you rant about the page requirement in was just over one page; you're free to rant if you find an obviously careless, rushed fic that is actually slipping past the rule as it is but wouldn't if it were three pages, but it puzzles me exactly what you're complaining about here.)

 

[PocketmonMaster]

John's Pokemon Quest(ionable)! Chapter 1 Review

...Uhh... OK then... Here I am, PocketmonMaster, having a little look in the FanFiction section, and up pops a fic. But this is no ordinary fic, this is Mudkip8003's fic. Anyway, let's get down to the reviewing and whatnot. I will be sarcastic through this review, do not take anything personally, but keep the lessons learnt. OK then, let's get to work!

*Knuckles down to work*

This story is called John's Pokémon Quest. Let me give you some info about it. First, this part is in Kanto.

Technically, it's spelt Pokémon. with the 'e' haveing the little line above it.

Why are the words after your commas capitalised? Capitilsation only takes place in names, proper nouns and at the beginning of a sentence. None of letters bolded were in any of those three catagories.

John is wanting (wants) to get 8 (eight) Gym Badges. His friend, Kate, is going for 5 ribbons.They are starting out on there journey together, and helping each other out. They start in Plalet (Pallet) Town.

Woah! It's a massacre! You have butchered the English language to the point that it is beyond recognition! Bold indicates that the word is wrong (or improper capitalisation - remember what I mentioned earlier?). (Brackets and Underlining) is what should replace a word. Two sentence have really, really bad grammar, so I'm not even going to touch them.

So here we go into John and Kate's Quest!

It sound like you are implanting us/ yourself into the fic with this sentence. Try to clean it up a bit.

Today is a day with many suprises in which John was (is) starting his Pokémon quest!

How could you misspell 'which'? While there are variatitions on the word, none of them look like this. I have a strong feeling that someone did not type this up in a Word document.

You switched from present tense to past tense in this sentence. Keep to the same tense please, it's just good writing.

John is a tall boy, with spikey hair which was (is) brown.

Arrrggghhh! Wich Wich is Wich? Get a spell-check!

Changed tense again, this is becoming a problem.

You have just listed all of Johnny boy's features. From his tall stature, to his spikey brown hair. Now I have a clear view of him. Do you know why it is clear? Because it is not descriptive in the least. For all I know, his nose could be broken due to an after-hours punch-up. Or that he has a third arm growing out of his spine. Both of these examples are plausible because you have barely mentioned what he actually looks like.

He loved putting on his red shirt and blue jeans that he had on now.

I love to put on clothes as well. The warm, snug feeling I get when I put on my jacket. The exhilleration (and the thrill) I get, when putting on pants... Seriously, what's up? If this isn't what you meant, rewrite it.

As he ate his breakfast, his Mom said (asked,)
___
"Are you ready to start your journey?" __
___
"Yes, Mom!" John replied as the took the last bite of his breakfast.

Capitalisation (both ways), His - his, mom - Mom

I believe that it is 'breakfast' not 'breckfast'. You spelt it right the first time, why not now?

Heh heh. He repelled his mother.

When somebody is speaking (or taking over the speaking role from another person), begin a new paragraph. You are just creating massive text block which kill everyone's eyes.

"Yup!" Kate stated.

'Stated' doesn't really fit. Since she is using a colloquial term (Yup), you should mention it with a word less rigorous than 'stated'. Perhaps 'replied'.

Kate is a tall girl with wavey blonde hair with a blue bag and a pink vizer.

Once again, arm coming out of spine or sixteen heads. No real description here, or anywhere else now that I think about it. You are also 'listing' her aspects. Listing is not a good way to get information across. Many people gloss over it and don't take in much of the information. A much better way to describe aspects is to work them into your story, like this.

Kate stood tall, waiting for John to show himself. Never, in the space of time she had known him, had he been late to anything. Yet, here he was, late to recieve their own Pokémon. The slight breeze that had been blowing all morning picked up for a second, flowwing her wavey blonde hair infront of her dainty face and ocean-blue eyes.

Still, no movement from the door. Kate stepped back, trying to find somewhere comfortable to sit down, content to play the 'waiting game'. When she finally sat, Kate placed her blue bag next to her, essential both in survival, and style.The green summer grass brushed lazliy against her dark blue jeans, while the mysterious Kricketune hummed lazily. Lying back, Kate un-intetionally looking up at the glaring sun, her pink visor, the exact same pink as her shirt, spared her most of the pain of the blinding hevenly light. She sighed, hearing the front door of John's house close, and a thunderous race down the front stairs towards her.

Truely, if there was ever a perfect day to get a Pokémon, this was it.

Not only did I describe Kate (and her surroundings), I also injected a little life into the story.

Professor Oak led them inside to a table with 3 Pokéballs on them (it).

When writing, stay away from simplifying words (Professor - Prof), unless it is being said by a character.

Unlees writing a really big number like 57792374024 or something like that, spell out your numbers. The 3 looks really stupid sitting in the middle of that sentence.

I do believe that the table is a singular, not a plural.

"It's so hard" John started.

I could say something hilarious about this line... But I won't...

But soon, they came to a disisen (decision).

I think you are trying to write decision. I'm not entirely sure...

"I...I...I...I chose Squrite (Squirtle)!" John yelled.

Squrite? What's a Squrite? It sounds like some ancient gem or something. It's a shame that no-one can seem to be able to spell Squirtle anymore...

"Don't worry, Charmander, a new trainer named Rachel might pick you," Prof. Oak said.

Usually the Professor gives out only three Pokémon (apart from four in the Anime/ only two in Yellow). Does he have a cupboard full of all three starters, so the Charmander will only have a 1 in 3 of being chosen. Usually, if you are the last to the lab, you get whats left, that being Charmander.

"Now here are 2 Pokédexes, one blue, one pink, and 5 Pokéballs for both of you." Prof. Oak said.

So girls automatically get Pink Pokédexes? And boys blue? The generic colour is generally red, but why is Professor Oak being stereotypical and giving them those specific colours?

3 = three

Pokéball

"Thanks!" the two exclaimed. And with that, John and Kate set off for Route 101!

Route 101?! I thought they were in Kanto! Why are they suddenly in Hoenn? They should be on Route 1!

Finally, you grasped the mediocre skill of writting numbers.


Overall: Underlength by a long shot. The absolute mininmum length allowed on these forums is two pages (on MicrosoftWord). But then again, I doubt you have read the rules at all.

There is basicially no description what-so-ever in this story, and when you did put any descrcription in, it is 'listed' and bad at best. I am strongly advising you, no, telling you to put description in, and when you do, put it in a form that is easily readable and pleasing to read.

Go read the Fan Fiction Rules and Regulation, have a look at the Advice for Aspiring Authors Thread, have a read of good fics to see what they are like, run any work you do through spell check, and create a fic better than this.

On the Side: It's funny because my review is several times longer that your fic.

Thanks for reading! Tell me if I have any mistakes. ( Just so you know, I don't have the best grammer)

I know you have bad grammar (and spelling). There are a lot more mistakes, but, we can only make our posts so long.

EDIT: Legend is quite correct in my mistake. Please look down one post.

Thanks. PocketmonMaster.

 

[Legend]

Capitalisation (both ways), His - his, mom - Mom

Actually, not quite. It's 'his mom,' because when you're referring to something in the possesive, it's not a proper noun.

Otherwise, Mudkip, I would take ALL of PokemonMaster's advice. It's very good, and will help you immensely.

 

[Yami Ryu]

answered in another fic but I guess I can elaborate here.

(And Yami, exactly how is the minimum page requirement relevant here, if I may ask? This is under half a page in Word, and the last fic I saw you rant about the page requirement in was just over one page; you're free to rant if you find an obviously careless, rushed fic that is actually slipping past the rule as it is but wouldn't if it were three pages, but it puzzles me exactly what you're complaining about here.

Because Dragonfree, obviously when you want to lower the minimum to two pages, and I heard someone else not you or Sandra wanted to lower it to one, you both should understand and grasp the fact; when you lower the standard for length, you lower the standard for everything else. Because that means people think they can be even skimpier about the details and everything, because ah I only have two write this much! Or this much! Or infact, not at all!

That is why I love the changed length rule oh-so much. It wasn't draconian or oppressive, it helped keep a standard for writing.

 

[haitianzero]

answered in another fic but I guess I can elaborate here.



Because Dragonfree, obviously when you want to lower the minimum to two pages, and I heard someone else not you or Sandra wanted to lower it to one, you both should understand and grasp the fact; when you lower the standard for length, you lower the standard for everything else. Because that means people think they can be even skimpier about the details and everything, because ah I only have two write this much! Or this much! Or infact, not at all!

That is why I love the changed length rule oh-so much. It wasn't draconian or oppressive, it helped keep a standard for writing.

I agree with most of what Yami has said, but I don't think the "page limit" rule should apply to prologues/first chapters. I felt that way when I posted my first chapter here. I wanted to ended it earlier, to leave a certain effect, but because of the two-page minimum rule, I had to extend it a bit, thus killing what I was striving for. Normally, first chapters/prologues aren't that long anyways. However, when it comes to the subsequent chapters, I believe it should be at least 3 pages minimum, which is roughly 1500+ words. I understand where Yami is coming from: if a writer has to write at least three pages, they would most likely fill that chapter with more descriptions, scenes, action, character development and whatnot to fill the gap, thus creating (hopefully) notable works of fiction. It also forces the writer to take more time to write some work of quality, instead of posting 2 pages of crap on a hourly/daily basis, just so they can update and have their fics bump to the top of the page.

*************************

Alright, back to this story. This fic doesn't seem original, lacks descriptions, lacks emotion, and it lacks real characters. Mudkip, I believe you need to make your plot, fic, and characters as unique as possible, so you can differ your works from others. Try something that no one has done before. It'll probably garner more readers if you do it right. Though, from your first chapter alone, I can already tell you're not a very experienced writer, but you can work hard to become one.

Good luck. Maybe you may throw something new and different at us in the later chapters, but as of right now, this fic is not worth anyone's time.