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Journey in the Regions

K

krispokeman

Guest
CHAPTER 1 - THE ADVENTURE BEGINS

“Wake up, Wake up now” shouts someone from the darkness. Young Zack turns his light on and then gets out of bed. He gets dressed and rushes downstairs to find his mother cooking his breakfast. “Why did you wake me up?” asks Zack, and then he looks at the time. “Because you’re going to be late to pick your first pokemon!” replies his mom, while she puts his breakfast on the table. Zack eats his breakfast and runs out of the house. He runs as fast as he can to get to professor oak’s lab. Today was his first day of becoming a trainer, and starting his journey across the land of kanto. He reaches the lab and walks inside. Then he spots three pokeballs on a table and 5 minutes later he notices someone else with professor oak. “Ah, Zack, glad you could make it, I hope you’re ready for your first pokemon” “I sure am professor” replied Zack as he went to the table to choose his first pokemon. “I want squirtle” says Zack, picking up the middle ball. “Fine, then I choose this one” says the boy that was standing next to professor oak, picking the first one off the table. “I got a bulbasaur” said the boy. “I think I better get going, I have a lot of places to go to” said Zack, and he starts to walk out of the lab. “Wait a minute Zack, let’s have of the battle to see how strong out pokemon are” shouts the boy. The boy sends out his bulbasaur and Zack sends out his squirtle. “Squirtle, tackle attack now” “bulbasaur, tackle attack now” both pokemon ram each other head on and bounce back. Then, before anyone notices anything, squirtle rams bulbasaur again and it faints. “Yes, I win” shouts Zack, and the boy starts talking to him. “Good battle. Oh and by the way, my name is James and i want to be the pokemon league champion” then he runs out the door and out of sight. Zack runs after him, but when he gets outside the lab, he can’t see James anywhere. Zack continues to walk to viridian city about 10 minutes later and spots a pokemon center. “Yay, a pokemon center, just what I need” thinks Zack to himself. Zack rushes to the pokemon center and looks on his map. “I can go and train my pokemon in the route next to this city” he thinks to himself. After his pokemon are healed, Zack heads out to the pokemart to buy some pokeballs. Then he heads out into the route and starts training his pokemon. After a few hours, Zack has successfully caught a pidgey and his pokemon are now stronger then before. Then he notices James standing near the grass. He walks up to James and asks him if he wants to have a battle. James says yes and sends out his nidoran. Zack sends out his pidgey and the battle begins. “Pidgey, use tackle” “Nidoran, use poison sting and then tackle him right after” pidgey rams nidoran but nidoran fires at pidgey and then tackles him. Then pidgey faints after two shots. “Go squirtle, use water gun” Squirtle fires water out of its mouth and it hits nidoran head on. Then nidoran faints and James sends out his next pokemon – a pikachu! “Pikachu, use thunder shock” “squirtle, use water gun” pikachu thunder shocks squirtle and then squirtle faints. “Yes! I win. My pokemon will be the best in the world, then I will be the best ever trainer in the world!” shouts James. “Pokemon are not tools for evil, James” says Zack, but before he can say anything else, James cut in. “Pokemon are tools, and I will be the best trainer in the world, but why would I want to care about pokemon?” says James. “Charizard, ember!” someone shouts from a distance, then the next thing that Zack can see is a charizard firing embers at James’ pikachu. After his pikachu is attacked, James runs off. Zack thanks the trainer and he runs off. Zack wonders who it was that saved him from his rival and comes to a conclusion that it might be the pokemon champion. Zack heals his pokemon, and heads out north of vidiridan city. After a few minutes, he reaches the entrance to viridian forest and prepares to go in, when he spots James running up the path towards him. “I knew you would be here, you’re going to face the pewter city gym leader aren’t you?” asks James. “Yeah, and so what, what are you going to do?” replies Zack. “I’m going to get it first” says James, and he runs off into the forest. “Wait, I’m going to get there first” says Zack, and he runs into the forest, not knowing what awaits him in there.
 

Saffire Persian

Now you see me...
First, I'll gladly look over and critique it if you'll do one thing: Make paragraphs - double spaced, that is. It makes it look a lot better and more readable.. this jumble of text really turns readers off, no matter how good your story is. ^^
 
Not only that, Saffire, he seems to confuse verb forms. For example, replies should be replied. I see lack of Pokemon name capitalization and end punctuation marks. Not to mention the story is extremely rushed & has very short battles. It breaks the capitalization rules & comma rules. Doesn't even capitalize "I". It has a very gamelike plot. Very random as well. Although, the minute I heard this was set in Kanto, I knew the fat,electric rat Pikachu would be in it. Why? All noobish fics set in Kanto have it.
 
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