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Journey of Two Coordinators

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Ayra, Feb 13, 2006.

  1. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    This story was originally created by Ember, I just took it and made some changes. Most of chapter 1 is Ember's story-line, I just made it from my point of view and added more people. The story's original title was Journey of Two Friends.

    Journey of Two Coordinators

    I hear my alarm ring, so I reach up and turn it off. Today's the day! The day Arielle, Selda, Lisa, Alex, and I receive our first Pokémon! Also, since my father and Prof. Birch are such good friends, my best friend Arielle and I are getting the Pokémon we want! Arielle's getting a Pikachu, and I'm getting a Wurmple, in hopes that it will evolve into a gorgeous Beautifly!

    I walk up to my vanity. I grab a brush and start brushing my long, blond hair. Once I finish, I clip on my blue Pokéball barrette. My nightgown is then shed, and my white halter top and periwinkle blue miniskirt are put on. I then put on my two gold Egyptian ring bracelets, my blue platform sandals with crisscrossing straps that stop at my knee, my star sapphire stud earrings, and finally, my most treasured possession, the Beautifly pendant Arielle gave me for my tenth birthday. I then put on my blue backpack, strap on my blue Pokéball-holder belt, and head down the stairs.

    When I get downstairs, my mother is at the stove and my father is reading the newspaper. I clear my throat.

    "Ah, Ayra, are you ready for your journey?" my father asks as he looks up from the newspaper.

    "You bet!" I exclaim, "Arielle and I are going to become the best coordinators this world has ever seen!"

    "That's the spirit!" he replies.

    "Are you sure you have everything you might need?" my mother asks for the umpteenth time.

    "Yes Mother." I say as I roll my eyes. "Well, it's time."

    After I say my good byes, I head down the road towards Prof. Birch's lab. As soon as I get there, the first person I see is Arielle, as she runs to greet me. She has long brown hair and is wearing a blue t-shirt, a red mini-skirt, a yellow bag, blue socks, red running shoes, gold stud earrings, the Espeon pendant I gave her for her tenth birthday, and a red and white hat.

    "Hey Ayra!" Arielle says.

    "Hey Arielle!" I reply. "Today's the day! I can't wait to meet our Pokémon!"

    "Me neither, this is gonna be so awesome!" Arielle exclaims.

    "Honestly, you two are so immature, they're just Pokémon." says a voice as it draws nearer.

    "Oh please, we didn't ask for your opinion, Selda." I say as I glare at her. Selda's the daughter of two very famous coordinators, therefore, she's very rich. She's also a very arrogant and cruel person. Her parents spoiled her rotten, buying her anything she wanted. However, nothing they did could get her to like Pokémon. So they would take away all of her make-up and whatnot unless she took coordinating classes at the Pokémon Academy. This increased her hatred of Pokémon. She also thinks she's the most beautiful girl in the world and that people should bow down and kiss her feet. She's wearing a red, tight-fitting upper body halter top that tries to express non-excistant cleavage, while showing off everything from the bottom of her chest to her waist, a blue diamond necklace that her parents gave her for her tenth birthday, diamond stud earrings, a pink mini skirt, a pink shoulder bag, and pink high heels.

    "Humph, whatever. I'm just here because my parents made me come." Selda replies.

    "Same here, I hate Pokémon." Lisa says as she and Alex walk up. Lisa is the same type of person Selda is. Lisa's wearing the same exact outfit as Selda, but she's wearing a pink halter top, an amethyst necklace, a purple mini skirt and high heels, emerald stud earrings, and a green shoulder bag. Lisa's parents are world renowed Pokéblock makers, therefor, they too are very rich. Just like Selda, Lisa hated Pokémon and her parents did the same thing to her as Selda's parents did. Selda and Lisa met each other at the Pokémon Academy the first day and became instant friends because of their mutual predicament and hatred of Pokémon.

    "I don't really care one way or another, I just want to become famous." Alex says. Alex too is an insensitive person. If he ever cared about anyone, other than himself, once in his life, that would shock me. He's wearing a black long sleeve T-shirt, a Swiss gold watch, long khaki pants, a brown backpack, and polished black dress shoes. As far as Alex goes, have no idea why he's such a snob. He, myself, Arielle, Selda, and Lisa all met each other at the Pokémon Academy. However, Arielle and I know why Selda and Lisa are snobs because we were all in the coordinator class. Whereas Alex was in the trainer class, therefor, we only saw him at lunch.

    "Those are the wrong reasons to have Pokémon!" Arielle and I exclaim.

    "So? Who cares?" Selda asks.

    "We do!" Arielle and I scream in unison as we all start bickering.

    The bickering continues until Prof. Birch comes up to greet us.

    "All right, that's enough, stop fighting and come and meet your Pokémon." Prof. Birch says.

    "Okay." we all grumble.

    We walk into a room that has lots machines and a large table. On the table are three red and white Pokéballs.

    "Here are Torchic, Mudkip, and Treecko." Prof. Birch states.

    "Wait a minute Prof. Birch, where's my Wurmple and Arielle's Pikachu?" I ask.

    "They're here. Come out Wurmple, Pikachu!" Prof. Birch calls.

    Out of the other room comes a red caterpillar-like Pokémon and a yellow mouse-like Pokémon.

    "Pikachu, Wurmple, meet your new Trainers." says Prof. Birch as he presents our Pokémon to us.

    "Oh wow, they're adorable!" Arielle and I exclaim.

    "I'm going to name you Belle, Wurmple." I say.

    "And I'm gonna call you Spark." Arielle says.

    "Here are your Ribbon Boxes." says Prof. Birch as he hands us each a blue box with a ribbon symbol in the middle of the lid. "Oh, I almost forgot. Ayra, Arielle, your Pokémon won't go into their Pokéballs."

    "Oh, that's okay." I say.

    "As long as they go in for Contests, I don't mind." Arielle says.

    "Now can we get our Pokémon so we can get the h*ll outta here!?!?" Selda demands.

    "Of course, you can choose either Torchic, Mudkip, or Treecko. Selda, you choose first." Prof. Birch says.

    "Whatever. I don't give sh*t about Pokémon. I just want to get the h*ll out of here. So I'll take a damn Torchic." Selda says.

    "Okay, here you go." Prof. Birch says as he hands her a red and white Pokéball. "Lisa, it's your turn. Which one do you want?"

    "I'll take Mudkip. I'm only taking a Pokémon to protect me and Selda from any damn Pokémon. The only reason we're doing this is for a trip around the world and an escape from our damn parents." Lisa says.

    "Then I get Treecko." Alex says.

    Prof. Birch hands them both a Pokéball. He then gives all of us a red Pokédex and five red and white Pokéballs. He then gives Selda and Lisa red Ribbon Boxes and Alex a metal Badge Case, he then wishes us all luck on our journeys as we head out the door.

    As Arielle and I walk up the road to Oldale Town, we're stopped by Lisa and Selda.

    "Ayra, battle me!" Lisa yells.

    "And Arielle, you battle me!" Selda yells.

    ---------------------

    Hope you like it! Ember and I worked hard on this fan fiction.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2006
  2. SillyGoose

    SillyGoose Guest

    A little on the short side...even for a trainer fic. The descriptions were...acceptable. Dialogue seems a bit rushed. Also, here's where your fic crashes for me: the characters are cliche. Its good for a prologue/chapter 1. Not like the other trainer crap I'm flicking through. This one does have potential. This next chapter will be a defining moment: will it actually be original or will it be boring? Trt and step outside the realm of Ruby and Sapphire.
     
  3. Ember

    Ember Guest

    Hey Ayra, I like the story so far. ^^ Anyways, keep up the great work!
     
  4. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    I'm so sorry! I did the best I could! I didn't know that my characters were cliché! I'm so sorry!!!

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
  5. SillyGoose

    SillyGoose Guest

    Whoa whoa whoa nothing to be sorry about. You just need to expand their personalities and add some backstory to them. For example: why is Selda such a bi*ch? Perhaps some flashbacks will help.
     
  6. Overwhelming_Latias

    Overwhelming_Latias Well-Known Member

    I'm assuming you have the permission of the orginal author? Even if this work is majorly edited, you still need her permission to use her characters. Sorry to bring this up if you've already gotten permission.

    Anyhow, seeing as how you're in need of a constructive review...

    Good Points
    -Your fic is well-written. You've even go so far as to put the accent in Pokemon etc, which many authors omit (including me). A very nice touch that makes your fic easier on the eye than most.
    -Wurmple. As a starter, this thing has so much potential. It's like the Gloom situation some fics have. What will her Wurmple evolve into: Beautifly or Dustox? These aspects of fics are a nice thing to have as they keep the audience guessing. You could subtly suggest that it would evolve into Cascoon, and then BAM! Silcoon instead. Make sure you use these opportunities. :)
    -You've written a bit more than a page in MSWord from the looks of it. Better than the one paragraph crap you normally see. :D

    'Bad' Points
    -Self-placement in fics is a risky thing to do. I myself have actually used my own name for the protaganist in my own fic, though the character himself is nothing like me (I'm not a 'criminal' etc etc). Just make sure that Ayra's personality etc is not exactly like your own, and you won't have a problem. :)
    -Cliche cliche cliche. Ten years old, waking up to go to see Birch, Torchic et al... I think the redeeming thing here is that Ayra actually got a Wurmple, which is refreshing to see.
    -Selda has cleavage at TEN? Riiight... I'm getting May vibes here... you might wanna reconsider that. o_O
    -The way the Pokemon are handed out after Wurmple/Pikachu... "Here you go"... meh. I didn't like this. You could've expressed reluctance, disappoinment etc. Weren't these kids not overly keen on being trainers?

    Well there you go. I think with a bit of work this could be good. As SillyGoose said, try your best to diverge from the whole RuSa realm. Perhaps not taking the protaganists route in the games, for example.

    All the best.

    -OL
     
  7. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    There, is that better? I'm really sorry that my storyline isn't as good as Ember's was.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
  8. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    There, is that better? I'm really sorry that my storyline isn't as good as Ember's was.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
  9. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!!!

    ~ayra~;267;
     
  10. Overwhelming_Latias

    Overwhelming_Latias Well-Known Member

    I really can't comment on your fic being better or worse than Ember's, simply because I haven't read the original.

    Don't take your criticism too badly. Take it into your stride and build upon it.

    I hope you're okay. Keep it up, eh? :)

    -OL
     
  11. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    There, is that better? I hope it is.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
  12. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    Chapter 2

    "Ayra, battle me!" Lisa exclaims.

    "Arielle, battle me!" Selda exclaims.

    "Fine, we accept! Ay, you go first, I'll judge." says Arielle. We then run to a field filled with trees.

    "Good, go Mudkip!" Lisa shouts as she throws the Pokéball into the air.

    A blue fish/salamander Pokémon with a tall fin at the top of it's head and orange spikes on it's cheeks bursts out of the Pokéball in a flash of light.

    "Mudkip, eh?" I say as I scan it with my Pokédex.

    "Mudkip, the Mud Fish Pokémon, the fin on Mudkip's head acts as a highly sensitive radar. Using this fin to sense movements of water and air, this Pokémon can determine what is taking place around it without using it's eyes." the Pokédex states.

    "All right then, Belle, take the stage!" I yell as Belle jumps off my shoulder and lands in front of Mudkip, with a determined look on her face.

    "Mudkip, Mud-Slap!"

    Mudkip opens it's mouth and shoots out little balls of mud.

    "Belle, use String Shot to pull yourself up!"

    Belle attacks a tree branch with a long, silky thread, and pulls herself up, dodging the Mud-Slap.

    "Great job Belle! Now use Poison Sting!"

    Belle shoots out dozens of tiny, sharp, poisonous barbs at Mudkip, injecting venom on contact.

    "Mudkip, Water Gun!"

    "Belle, use String Shot to dodge!"

    Mudkip opens it's mouth wide and shots out a torrent of water at Belle. Belle attacks a different tree branch with String Shot, and just as she begins to pull herself up, she gets hit with the Water Gun.

    "Come on Belle! You can do it! Strike back with String Shot!"

    "Mudkip, dodge!"

    Mudkip jumps up and dodges the String Shot.

    "Mudkip, Mud-Slap!"

    "Belle, use Poison Sting!"

    Mudkip fires the Mud-Slap and Belle fires the Poison Sting. When they connect, the poison barbs pop all the mud balls. They then slam into Mudkip, adding more poison into it's body.

    "Good job, Belle! Now use, String Shot!"

    "Mudkip, dodge!"

    Mudkip doesn't get out of the way quick enough and gets entangled in the String Shot.

    "Mudkip, break free!"

    "Quickly Belle! Poison Sting, then Tackle!"

    Belle fires the Poison Sting, then waits until the poison barbs are about to hit Mudkip, then runs toward Mudkip, who is struggling to break free of the String Shot. Mudkip then gets hit with the Poison Sting and then is sent flying when he's Tackled by Belle. Mudkip hits a tree, then slides to the ground, no longer able to battle.

    "Mudkip is unable to battle, Wurmple wins!" Arielle exclaims.

    "You hear that Belle?!" I ask, "You w-huh?" I stop short when Belle begins to glow. As Belle is glowing, her shape begins to change. When Belle stops glowing, she is no longer a red caterpillar-like Pokémon, but a white cocoon-like Pokémon with two clear, happy red and white eyes.

    "Belle evolved into a Silcoon!" I exclaim as I scoop up my new Silcoon. Meanwhile, Arielle scans my new Silcoon with her Pokédex.

    "Silcoon, the Cocoon Pokémon, one of the evolved forms of Wurmple. Silcoon's body is covered in fine silk threads. It it remains dormant inside it's silk covering while it waits to evolve." the Pokédex states.

    "Wow, that's awesome! Congratulations Ayra and Belle!" Arielle says.

    "Can we get on with it?!" Selda screams impatiently.

    "Yes, Arielle, it's your turn, I'll judge." I say.

    "Finally. Go Torchic!" Selda yells as she throws a Pokéball.

    "Whoa, a Torchic." Arielle says as she scans it with her Pokédex.

    "Torchic, the Chick Pokémon, Torchic sticks with it's Trainer, following behind with unsteady steps. This Pokémon breathes fire of over 1,800 degrees F, including fireballs that leave the foe scorched black." the Pokédex says.

    "Okay then, go Spark!" Arielle shouts as Spark leaps off of her shoulder in front of Torchic.

    "Torchic, Ember!"

    "Spark, Agility!"

    Torchic fires dozens of little fireballs at Spark. Spark then starts running very fast, dodging the fireballs by disappering right before the Embers land, then reappearing .

    "Great Spark! Now use Thunderbolt!"

    Spark charges it's electricity in it's cheeks, then expels it outward and launches it at Torchic. Torchic tries to dodge it, but doesn't get away quick enough.

    "Torchic, Peck!"

    "Spark, Double Team!"

    Torchic runs towards Spark, with it's beak jammed forward, but Spark creates dozens of holographic images around Torchic. Torchic then gets confused, not knowing which one to Peck.

    "Good job Spark! Now use Thunderbolt once more!"

    "Torchic, Quick Attack!"

    Spark fires a Thunderbolt at Torchic. Torchic runs very fast towards Spark and dodges the Thunderbolt. Then Torchic slams into Spark.

    "Hang in there Spark!'

    "Torchic, Ember!"

    "Spark, Agility!"

    Once again, Torchic fires little Embers at Spark. Spark then runs really fast and dodges the Embers.

    "Good Spark! Now use Thunder and Quick Attack!"

    "Torchic, dodge!"

    Spark starts running towards Torchic, emitting powerful electricity all over her body as Torchic tries to avoid her. In the end, Torchic doesn't get away fast enough and receives massive damage.

    "Torchic, Tackle!"

    "Spark, dodge!"

    Torchic runs toward Spark as Spark tries to run away, however, Spark doesn't get away quick enough and gets slammed into a tree by Torchic.

    "It's okay Spark! Now use Thunder!"

    "Torchic, dodge!"

    Torchic doesn't dodge quick enough and gets zapped by 1,000 volts of electricity and falls to the ground, no longer able to battle, or move for that matter.

    "Torchic is unable to battle, Pikachu is the winner!" I proclaim.

    "Awesome job, Spark!" Arielle yells.

    "Grrrrr, how could we lose to THEM?" Selda asks Lisa.

    "You may have won today, but you won't be so lucky the next time we meet!" Lisa yells as she and Selda run away.

    "Well, that was a waste of time." Arielle complains.

    "No it wasn't," I reply, "we gained lots of experience from those battles, but let's be on our way. I want to reach Oldale Town before dark."

    As we're walking down the road we see two Pokémon playing. As we get closer we see that one is a very cute pink cat-like Pokémon with a thin tail with a large pink oval at the end, and the other is a cute brown and white cat-like Pokémon with large ears and a white mane around it's neck.

    "Aaaaaahhhh, how cute!" we yell.

    --------------------------

    I'm sorry, but I already have chapter three done as well.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2006
  13. SillyGoose

    SillyGoose Guest

    I'm gonna tell you like it is...it felt like I was playing Ruby on my Gameboy. Remember, a list of attacks does not make a battle. Description does...
     
  14. Shadow Ichigo

    Shadow Ichigo Left On A Journey

    Hey awesome story Ayra-chan^^ try not to put alot of attacks stuff in here. but I like it^^. Keep it up
     
  15. HB5squared

    HB5squared I'm Back

    Where to start.... Description needs to be better in the battle scenes. Where as in the first chapter your description of the people's clothes almost put me to sleep. Did you even think to put what color skin or hair they had, did they have a big nose or a lazy eye? You are very good at describing clothes but what about where they are? I was reading through chapter two and all of the sudden there is trees everywhere, which you failed to describe.

    How come all the coordinators are girls?

    Please do not have your main characters catch the "Coordinating" pokemon such as: Skitty,beautifly,torchic,bulbasuar,minun,ralts etc. You catch my drift they are all overused for coordinators.

    Another thing, please don't always have your main characters win their battles and the two snobby girls lose. This reults in boredom!

    Also how come the starter pikachu knew thunder? and agility? They just got them and they know all their attacks? I'm really lost now.

    The story line is there, I can feel it but you need to listen to this advice and take it seriously because I'm probably not the only person who thinks this.
     
  16. Tyranotar

    Tyranotar Guest

    I had a problem with a level 5 or so Pikachu using Thunder as well (although levels should almost never be used in a fanfic). Yes, please describe better. Not many people are extremely talented at describing right from the off (in my first few, I could barely describe anything at all) but you'll get there.

    Other than that, this is a fine fanfic that shows lots of promise.

    HB5 I think you're being a BIT too harsh in a few points. For example, I don't think it's fitting to say "Don't always have your main characters win their battles", because they've each only battled once...

    Anyway, it's your opinion and not mine. Keep writing Ayra!
     
  17. HB5squared

    HB5squared I'm Back

    I ment for future reference as it seems (as mentioned before) cliche.
     
  18. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    Chapter 3

    "Aaaaaahhhh, how cute!" we yell.

    "What are they?" I ask.

    "Don't know." Arielle replies.

    "Let's check our Pokédexes!" I say.

    "Good idea!" Arielle responds.

    Arielle and I take out our Pokédexes. I then point mine at the pink Pokémon and Arielle points hers at the brown and white Pokémon.

    "Skitty, the Kitten Pokémon, Skitty is known to chase around playfully after it's own tail. In the wild, this Pokémon lives in holes of the trees of forests. It is very popular as a pet because of it's adorable looks." my Pokédex states.

    "Wow, a Skitty! I gotta catch it!" I yell

    "Eevee, the Evolution Pokémon, it's genetic code is very unstable, so it could evolve in a variety of ways. There are very few alive." Arielle's Pokédex states.

    "Whoa, an Eevee! I gotta catch it!" Arielle yells.

    "Go, Belle!"

    "Go, Spark!"

    "Belle, String Shot!"

    "Spark, Thunderbolt!"

    Skitty and Eevee see our attacks and quickly dodge. Eevee then counters with a Sand-Attack and starts kicking sand at Spark, and Skitty counters with a Tackle and starts running towards Belle.

    "Belle, Harden!"

    "Spark, Agility!"

    Spark starts running very quickly and dodges the Sand-Attack, while Belle fortifies her cocoon and repels the Tackle.

    "Alright Belle, String Shot!"

    "Now Spark, Thunder and Quick Attack!"

    Spark starts emitting electricity and runs toward Eevee and Belle shoots a string of silk at Skitty. Both Skitty and Eevee try to dodge but aren't fast enough and Eevee gets shocked and is temporarily stunned, and Skitty is wrapped up in String Shot and can't move. While Skitty is trying to break free from the String Shot, Eevee recovers and starts running towards Spark to Tackle her.

    "Spark, use Agility to dodge!"

    "Quick Belle, use Tackle!"

    Spark disappears as soon as Eevee is about to Tackle it, and Belle throws herself forward and Tackles Skitty, sending it flying. Then, Belle suddenly begins to glow.

    "Belle's evolving!" I exclaim.

    When Belle stops glowing, she is no longer a white cocoon-like Pokémon, but a gorgeous, gray, butterfly-like Pokémon.

    "Belle evolved into a Beautifly!" I exclaim as Arielle scans my new Beautifly with her Pokédex.

    "Beautifly, the Butterfly Pokémon, the evolved form of Silcoon, it's colorfully patterned wings are it's most prominent feature. It flies through flower-covered fields, collecting pollen. It attacks ferociously when angered." the Pokédex states.

    "Wow, Congratulations, Ayra and Belle!" Arielle says.

    "Let's try out your new attacks, Gust!"

    Belle starts flapping her wings at Skitty, creating a strong gust of wind that sends Skitty flying. Skitty then recovers from the Gust and runs toward Belle, her tail poised to use Double-Slap.

    "Belle, dodge it!"

    Belle then flies up and dodges the Double-Slap.

    "Way to go, Belle!" Arielle and I yell.

    "Pikaaa!" Spark cries as she's sent flying by Eevee's Tackle.

    "Oops, I forgot that I'm battling Eevee! Spark, Thunderbolt!"

    "Belle, Silver Wind!"

    Spark fires a Thunderbolt at Eevee, while Belle flaps her wings hard, sending out a strong gust of wind with silver flashes. Skitty and Eevee both try to dodge our attacks but don't get out of the way fast enough and get hit. They then fall to the ground. I then throw a Pokéball at Skitty and Arielle throws one at Eevee. The Pokéballs hit them and zap them inside, then fall to the ground. The button on the Pokéballs blink three times, then stop, signifying a successful capture.

    "Alright!" we yell as we run towards our respective Pokéball and pick it up. We then let out Skitty and Eevee, so we can introduce ourselves and give them nicknames.

    "Maaaayy!" Skitty says.

    "Vee!" proclaims Eevee.

    "Hello, Skitty. My name is Ayra, and this is Belle." I say to Skitty. "And from now on your name is Joana!"

    Skitty nods, showing that it acknowledges it's new name.

    "Hi, Eevee. I'm Arielle, and she's Spark." Arielle says to Eevee. "And your name will be Jenna!"

    Eevee nods, acknowledging it's new name. We return them to their Pokéballs and let our Pokémon get into a comfortable position on us, Belle lands on my head, and Spark climbs onto Arielle's shoulder. We then hand down the road towards Oldale Town.

    By the time we reach Oldale Town, the sun is high in the sky.

    "We've finally reached Oldale Town." I say.

    "What should we do here?" Arielle asks.

    "First, we should head to the Pokémon Center. We can rest our Pokémon, get something to eat, and book a room for the night." I reply.

    "Okay, then what?" Arielle inquires.

    "Then, we should probably do some shopping, for medicine, first aid supplies, food supplies, and some information guides on berries and Pokéblock. I also want to buy a Moon Stone and a PokéNav." I reply.

    "Speaking of food, did you bring cooking supplies? I didn't, and do you know how to cook or do first aid?" Arielle exclaims, panicking.

    "Don't worry, I've got all that covered." I say, "Now let's head for the Pokémon Center."

    As we're walking through the town towards the Pokémon Center, we overhear three gossiping women.

    "Yeah, I heard that Teams Magma and Aqua took the Red and Blue Orbs!"

    "Really? Then why haven't Groundon or Kyogre awoken?"

    "I heard that the orbs will only activate for a specific person. The Red Orb chooses a person, and the Blue Orb chooses a person."

    -----------------------------------------------

    Well, here it is, I'm going to guess that it's horrible.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
  19. MaskedManAbsolkid

    MaskedManAbsolkid Well-Known Member

    Few points.

    ::It seems like there's a mirror between Ayra and Arielle, because the same thing happens to both of them.

    ::In my opinion, Wurmple/Silcoon/Beautifly seems like a super pokemon. Up to now, it seems no attacks have hit it. They may have, but I didn't see. Also, you evolved them too quickly. Sure, they evolve quickly anyway, but that was a bit too quick.

    ::Even when describing Selda and Lisa, you made it obvious that they're basically the same character. Make them different. Alex seems like the male version of them, just less nasty. Same with Ayra and Arielle

    ::This may turn into a Mary-sue fic.

    ::Even though this is a fic, what is the chance that a Skitty and Eevee would pop up outside Oldale, and both would be caught at exactly the same time by two characters that seem like twins?

    ::Your description makes it seem like the characters are talking, floating clothes with hair. Are any of them tall, short, fat, thin, etc?

    ::Try not to make it a R/S/E copy. I've played through each game at least once, and a lot of others will have played the games too.

    That may sound nasty, but it's not. Try to listen to the suggestions and you'll improve. It's got a chance of becoming successful.

    Edit: I liked the end of the previous chapter where you brought in the red orbs and blue orbs, but it seems obvious that Ayra and Ariella will probably be chosen by the orbs. There's still a chance that Lisa and Selda will be chosen.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2006
  20. Wind Waker

    Wind Waker Now that's Effulgent

    Heeeeeey, I remember this fic from along time ago. It's good to see the fic back up aagin by the way and keep up the good work!
     

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