Just looking for feedback

[Team Volt Grunt]

I have a friend who posts updates on his Nuzlocked Challenge in the form of mini-fanfic chapters on facebook every couple of days. His most recent post inspired me to try my hand at writing my own game update in the form of a fanfic. I am doing a pokedex quest instead of a Nuzlocke challenge, but I decided to write about my battle with Koga, since it was the most recent event. Please note, this is basically a glorified play-by-play of an actual in-game battle. I have no prior experience in writing fanfics, so I would appreciate anyone that takes a minute to read it and give me feedback. You can see more about my Pokedex Quest on my blog (link in my sig), but this is the only fanfic style post so far. Feel free to read it here, but it looks better on the actual blog.

Spoiler

“A mere child like you challenges me? The very idea makes me shiver with mirth. Very well, I shall show you true terror as a ninja master. Poison brings steady doom. Sleep renders foes helpless. Despair to the creeping horror of Poison-type Pokémon! GO! Koffing!”

“Kadabra, you first!”

The two Pokémon appear in flash of light as they materialize from their Poké balls. Kadabra leads off with a Psychic attack that drops Koffing like a deflated balloon. Her speed and special attack powers are too high for Koffing to even stand a chance.

“Humph! I see you have some skill. Let’s see how you fare against… Muk!”

“Let’s not hog all the fun, Kadabra. Come back. Go! Sandslash!”

Koffing and Kadabra are returned to their poke balls in a flash and replaced with Muk and Sandslash. Sandslash starts digging underground while Muk begins shrinking in size. Sandslash immediately resurfaces directly under Muk, nearly depleting his health and Muk responds with Acid Armor, becoming more protected by its putrid, filthy epidermis.

“Sorry, Koga, but that’s not gonna be good enough. Sandslash, use Slash!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself child! Hyper Potion!”

Muk regains his health and Sandslash misses his mark. The Minimize attack Muk used earlier paid off.

“Dig, Sandslash!” Green instructs, but this dig ends in a miss as Muk continues to build up his protective acid. “Try again!” Muk continues to condense its own body in order to raise evasiveness, but Sandslash manages a hit. Unfortunately, the acid is doing its job and the attack barely makes a scratch. “Keep Slashing!”

Sandslash obeys, swinging her claws through the air and lands a Critical Hit, leaving Muk with just the tiniest amount of HP. However, Muk follows by poisoning Sandslash with a deadly Toxic attack! She will continue to lose health if Green doesn’t end this quickly. Sandslash attempts another slashing attack, but Koga uses his second Hyper Potion, bringing Muk back to full health before it hits, dealing less damage than the previous Dig attack. And again, Sandslash takes damage from the poison. This battle isn’t looking good for Sandslash.

Sandslash continues to slash away at the blob of toxic waste and Muk continues to minimize. Finally, Green decides to pull Sandslash back and bring Kadabra back to the battle.

“Sandslash needs help! Go, Kadabra!”

But this was a poor choice on Green’s part. Kadabra is hit with a Sludge attack and her Psychic attack misses, leaving her open for another Sludge attack that knocks her out.

“Oh no! Kadabra!” Green runs out onto the field to try and comfort her friend before returning her to the Poké ball. “Don’t worry, Kadabra, it’s not over yet. Raichu, your turn!”

Green sends out Raichu and attempts to paralyze Muk with Thunder Wave, but the attack misses. “Toxic!” Koga shouts and Muk hits Raichu with the same deadly poison that infected Sandslash. Raichu’s next Thunder Wave hits its mark and paralyzes Muk, but is it enough to turn the tide? Green yells, “Thunderbolt!” at the same time Koga yells, “Minimize!”

Raichu’s powerful electricity brings Muk down below half health for the third time and Muk shrinks a little more. “One more time!” Green directs her Raichu. An amazing burst of electricity shoots out of Raichu’s cheeks and hits Muk in the middle of his blobby chest, bringing his health to zero.

“Humph! You pulled it off. I admit you have some skill, Green, but your technique lacks the subtlety and precision of a ninja. Muk inflicted some serious damage on you. You have not yet proven to be worthy of victory. Koffing! You’re next!”

Green forgoes the opportunity to switch Pokémon. Without Kadabra, she doesn’t stand a chance against the Toxic onslaught. She knows that she has to revive him and get him back in the game. Raichu takes damage from the poison, dropping below half, and Green uses her Revive.

“Smokescreen, Koffing! Show her how difficult it is to fight something you can’t see.”

Koffing decreases Raichu’s accuracy and Raichu takes more damage from the poison. Green uses a Super Potion on Raichu, but the combination of Koffing’s Sludge and the poison already in his system is too much and Raichu faints.

“If only I had Hyper Potions! You did your best Raichu, I’ll have you back to full health soon. Kadabra, it’s time to take this battle back!”

Kadabra comes out blasting a beam of Psychic energy directly at Koffing, who goes down in one hit.

“Very good, but your Kadabra has taken a lot of damage. And now it’s time for you to meet my strongest Pokémon, Weezing!”

“We’re not backing down! Kadabra, Psychic!” Kadabra extends her arm and the twisted spoon in her hand contorts as Weezing shrieks in agony and falls, completely out of energy.

“Humph! You have proven your worth! Here! Take the Soul Badge!”

As Green gazes down at her new badge, she remembers the intense training she and her friends went through over the last couple days in order to earn this badge…

Thanks

 

[bobandbill]

If you want feedback on your fic or writing, you need to post it here rather than say that it can be found through your signature.

So I edited into your first post, sans the images. I need to go rn, but I should be able to give my thoughts later. Just posting this so you don't wonder why it's magically appeared in your post like that.



I feel a general comment to be made on the writing is that the battle itself could stand to be described better. You mention the attacks and consequences of them ('barely making a scratch', 'becoming more protected by its putrid, filthy epidermis'), but there's a lot of telling of facts and some too close to the way the games dictate battles ('Sandslash obeys, swinging her claws through the air and lands a Critical Hit, leaving Muk with just the tiniest amount of HP.', 'Sandslash immediately resurfaces directly under Muk, nearly depleting his health').

You'd want to try to show these events. Rather than saying that Muk had the tiniest amount of HP, try mentioning some action of the Muk that tells us that it suffered a big hit. Does it moan in pain? Does Koga wince at seeing the hit? What makes the hit a critical as well? Did it say strike the eyes, or slash off part of its 'body'? Same goes with lines like 'Muk regains his health and Sandslash misses his mark.' - regains his health is a rather boring bit to read and doesn't help us imagine how the Muk itself is feeling.

The fact that in this battle they're freely using healing items seems a bit odd too. In the games it's a mechanic, but here it seems to imply also that one could just keep healing as long as you brought enough Hyper Potions, and that revives work instantly. It doesn't sound very realistic, at least to myself.

The basis for itself is fine; more just commenting on stuff that could be improved.

 

[Team Volt Grunt]

I feel a general comment to be made on the writing is that the battle itself could stand to be described better. You mention the attacks and consequences of them ('barely making a scratch', 'becoming more protected by its putrid, filthy epidermis'), but there's a lot of telling of facts and some too close to the way the games dictate battles ('Sandslash obeys, swinging her claws through the air and lands a Critical Hit, leaving Muk with just the tiniest amount of HP.', 'Sandslash immediately resurfaces directly under Muk, nearly depleting his health').

You'd want to try to show these events. Rather than saying that Muk had the tiniest amount of HP, try mentioning some action of the Muk that tells us that it suffered a big hit. Does it moan in pain? Does Koga wince at seeing the hit? What makes the hit a critical as well? Did it say strike the eyes, or slash off part of its 'body'? Same goes with lines like 'Muk regains his health and Sandslash misses his mark.' - regains his health is a rather boring bit to read and doesn't help us imagine how the Muk itself is feeling.

The basis for itself is fine; more just commenting on stuff that could be improved.

Thanks for the great feedback, bobandbill! I will definitely keep this in mind in future posts!

...but there's a lot of telling of facts and some too close to the way the games dictate battles...

The fact that in this battle they're freely using healing items seems a bit odd too. In the games it's a mechanic, but here it seems to imply also that one could just keep healing as long as you brought enough Hyper Potions, and that revives work instantly. It doesn't sound very realistic, at least to myself.

There isn't really anything I can do about this. At it's core, this writing is just a more detailed description of an actual in-game battle and I want it to reflect that. If it happens in the game, it will happen in my writing. Even at the cost of sounding less realistic. Hopefully it won't deter people from reading if they understand that this is exactly how the battle played out.

 

[JX Valentine]

There isn't really anything I can do about this. At it's core, this writing is just a more detailed description of an actual in-game battle and I want it to reflect that. If it happens in the game, it will happen in my writing. Even at the cost of sounding less realistic. Hopefully it won't deter people from reading if they understand that this is exactly how the battle played out.

Actually, not to be super blunt about it or anything, it most likely would. See, unlike art or games, all we get are your words, basically. So all we have in terms of excitement is simply what you tell us; we have to envision what's going on by basing what's in our heads on what you tell us. Therefore, if you do a lot of telling (including "Green uses a Revive" and that's about it), it ends up a little boring because ... there's not much to go on. There's no suspense. Things just happen.

The one thing you'll want to remember—and the thing that all good Nuzlockes understand, comics included—is that a fan creation needs to break out of a straight-up retelling. It has to be more. You have to present your interpretation on how the world works or what different things (e.g., what different moves, what different used items, that kind of thing) look like. That's all part of how fanfiction works. It's not just putting the game to text; it's putting the game to text and then adding to it. The reason why the latter is important is because, as I've said, your readers have most likely already seen canon. They don't need to be told what happens in canon again, and battle results just aren't interesting enough to hold their attention. When they go to read any piece of fanfiction, they're going into it expecting to see the author's interpretation of the world, not just what happened. So it's up to you, the author, to add more. Don't just tell us what's going on. Elaborate. Make things realistic. Describe. If a Koffing uses Smokescreen, don't just say that it lowers a Pokémon's accuracy. Describe to us what the Smokescreen looks like. If a character uses a Revive, go into detail about how their injuries are slowly healing or however you think a Revive works. Adding those details help us to imagine the excitement and violent nature of a battle, and they help us to delve into your take on the Pokémon world.

Tl;dr, readers aren't normally interested in a slightly more detailed in-game battle description, unfortunately. Not when it comes to fanfiction. They're more interested in interpretation, including all the vivid descriptions and detailed thoughts on how different bits of the Pokémon world works.

That said, sort of have to agree with bobandbill on all counts. I just couldn't really get that much into it because it sounded like you were sticking a bit too much to in-game mechanics instead of thinking of this as if you're describing a two magical animals going at each other. Don't be afraid to break away from the game!

 

[Team Volt Grunt]

I took your advice and decided not to write so game oriented. As much as I liked keeping exactly to the game, it wasn't popular with you guys so I'm going to try going more realistic. I've posted a second short chapter, this one taking place at the entrance of Victory Road. Please tell me what you think. You can also see it in my sig, although I didn't add any pictures this time. Thanks for reading.

Spoiler

Entering Victory Road

“You can pass here only if you have the Earth Badge. Oh! That is the Earth Badge! Okay, then. Please, go right ahead.”

As the last guard motioned for her to pass, Green realized that she had finally made it to Victory Road. She had crossed the entire region of Kanto, faced the top trainers in every town, and even taken down a criminal syndicate. And it was all thanks to the team of monsters she had raised, trained, and grown to love. Her friends were just as proud of their skills and accomplishments as she was. They were all ready to make their greatest accomplishment yet, but first there was the cave…

The entrance was small and it looked dim beyond. The smell of damp, still air flooded Green’s senses as she took her first step in. She could see movement in the shadowy distance. The wild Pokémon here were stronger than wild Pokémon she had faced anywhere else, but she wasn’t worried. Her Pokémon had faced and defeated stronger foes than these. She called out Raichu to fend off any that were brave enough to attack.

“Raichu, come on out!” she declared as she tossed the Poké Ball. “Any Pokémon would be foolish to try and take you on.”

“Chu!” Raichu said with confident smugness.

They began walking. The sounds of their steps echoed along the cave walls. Green looked around. At the same time she saw some steps, Raichu pointed to the wall just beyond them, saying, “Rai Chu Rai!”

“That wall… It doesn’t look natural. There must be a way to move it. Let’s look around for a lever or a switch.” There was nothing close to the wall, so they spread out. Green shouted, “Sandslash, give us a hand!” and with a flash, Sandslash materialized in front of Green.

The three continued looking until Sandslash called out, “Slash! Slash!” and jumped up and down pointing her long claws at a strange tile on the ground.

“Good job! Now how do we activate it?” Green walked over and stood on the pressure plate. She wasn’t heavy enough to cause a reaction. “Hmmm…”

Then she spotted it; a large, round boulder over by the stairs. “Sandslash, use your Strength. I bet that boulder is just what we need to activate the plate.”

“Sandslash!” she claimed as she flexed her arms and torso, and then dashed over to the boulder. Using her Strength, Sandslash was able to push the boulder into position on top of the plate. A loud “Click” and a low rumble told Green that the switch in the plate was triggered and the wall had been moved out of their way.

As they made their way back to the steps to move on, a passing Onix was startled. His roar echoed through the cave, sending goose bumps down Green’s spine. “Raichu, your electric attacks won’t do any good against that big guy.” Raichu gave an “humph” and crossed his arms as Green continued, “Sandslash, use your Dig attack!”

Winking in Raichu’s direction, Sandslash leapt into the air and dove at the ground, slashing her claws and burrowing into the dirt. The noise of the earth shifting and the Onix roaring in anger, mixed with the rising dust made it difficult for Green to sense what was happening between the two, but she heard a loud smash and felt the floor shake as the wild Onix attempted to slam his tail at the spot where Sandslash dove into the ground.

“Ha! You’ll have to be faster than that, Onix. Alright, Sandslash, give it to him!”

Dirt and stone exploded from the ground below Onix as Sandslash dug back to the surface to strike. Onix howled in pain as he was pelted with dirt and claws. Onix’s eyes clamped shut, and he immediately went silent and fell limply to the ground. The sounds slowly stopped echoing and the dust and dirt in the air started to thin and settle.

“Nice job, Sandslash! Now let’s get going. I’m ready to get to Indigo Plateau.”

The three of them walked past the place where the fake cave wall stood a few minutes ago and turned a corner where they came upon a person. Green motioned for her Pokémon to stop and the trainer looked back at her.

“Was that you making all that noise!? I wonder if you are good enough for me,” said a cool looking trainer with long purple hair. “I’m Naomi. Let’s battle!”

“Okay, let’s battle. I’m Green, and I am more than good enough for you,” she said with a smirk. “Go ahead, Raichu!”

“Go, Persian!” Naomi called as a long, slender cat the size of a lion materialized in front of her.

“Raichu, start off with Double Team.”

“Chu!” Raichu cried. A small amount of static flashed at his cheeks as Raichu twitched and suddenly there were two Raichu facing Persian.

“Persian, use Payday!”

“Perrrr!” Persian hunched as if to pounce, and the jewel on her head glowed. Coins began to materialize and fly from the gem toward the twin Raichu. The image Raichu faded and the real Raichu was showered in coins. Raichu flinched a few times, but swatted most of the coins with his paws and tail. The attack didn’t do much to harm him.

“Let’s show Naomi our true power! Thunderbolt!” With loud crackling and bright flashing, lightning bolts shot from Raichu’s yellow cheeks and zapped Persian before she had a chance to counter. Fur standing on end and mouth in the shape of a silent howl, the electricity was too much for Persian and she fainted.

“Wow, too much! Persian, return!” The familiar red beam issued from the Poké Ball Naomi held toward her Pokémon and enveloped Persian, reclaiming her. “Next, I’ll use Ponyta.”

“Sandslash, this one is yours. Use your Dig attack!”

Just like the battle with Onix, Sandslash jumped into the air and dove into the ground as if it was water and she a diver. Just like the battle with Onix, Sandslash emerged from an explosion of dirt and rocks right under Ponyta. Just like the battle with Onix, Ponyta fainted from the torment of dirt and claws.

“You’re making me a little desperate now. Rapidash! GO!”

“In that case, I’ll show you my star champion. Raichu, Sandslash, return! Come on out, Blastoise!”

Raichu, Sandslash and Ponyta were pulled back into their Poké Balls as Rapidash and Blastoise emerged from theirs.

Rapidash pawed at the ground and whinnied as Blastoise’s cannons popped out of the compartments of his shell. Knowing that the majority of the tunnel still lay ahead of them, Green wanted to finish this battle and keep moving. She decided to go with Blastoise’s strongest attack.

“Blastoise, use Surf!”

“Blas!” Blastoise lifted his thick arms into the air. Calling on the power of the water within the ground and walls of the cave around him, Blastoise lifted a wall of water and sent it crashing at Rapidash. With nowhere to run, Rapidash attempted to overpower the water with a Fire Blast attack, but the water overcame the fire and Rapidash took the full force of the tidal wave. Green was surprised its fiery mane and tail weren’t extinguished. Unable to get back up from the wave, Rapidash whimpered before submitting to her exhaustion. Then she was hit with a red beam and dematerialized.

“I lost out… I never wanted to lose to anybody, especially to a younger kid. Nice job.”

Green and Blastoise moved deeper into the cave, on their way to the ultimate test.

 

[bobandbill]

You've certainly made some improvement with the battles, particularly with the Onix battle. Much more exciting to read. =) Have a few quick comments:

“Raichu, come on out!” She declared as she tossed the pokéball.

That 'She' should be 'she', as the sentence doesn't end/start there with dialogue.

As they made their way back to the steps to move on, a passing Onyx was startled.

Onix.

“Was that you making all that noise!? I wonder if you are good enough for me,” said a cool looking trainer with long purple hair.

Sometimes there's still poins where showing can be employed over telling. For instance, what is cool about the trainer?

“Go ahead Raichu!”

“Go Persian!”

When someone is addressed by name/nickname/title/etc, then a comma should go before or after the name. So here you should for instance say 'Go ahead, Raichu!'.

“Raichu, start off with Doubleteam.”

Double Team as two words is how it is in the games iirc, so might as well stick to that.

 

[Team Volt Grunt]

Sometimes there's still poins where showing can be employed over telling. For instance, what is cool about the trainer?

LOL, she was a Cool Trainer in the game. That was one of my small attempts at staying true to the game. If you must know, I thought her shirt was pretty cool looking. Thank you for reading and critiquing. I fixed some grammatical errors and corrected my use of the words "Poké Ball" and "Pokémon" so that they are all the same (no "pokemon", etc.).