• Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Kaleidoscope of Worlds (Possibly PG!)

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
The plot has something that had to do with an event that happened during the GSC series of Pokemon Adventures(the manga)

Warning: There might be some spoilers included for people who have not read the manga Pokemon Adventures for the GSC series(well, duh). xP

Progress so far:

Prologue: Just a messenger(Done)
Chapter One: In which a wish comes true in a twisted way(Done)
Chapter Two: In which there is much rain and pondering(Done)
Chapter Three: In which Ditto's rival appears(Done/Considering)
Chapter Four: In which Rai-ick "helps" and there is an information overload(Done/Pending for further edits)
Chapter Five: (Sort/of/started. About... 0.0000001% done! X_x'')
==============================

Characters so far:

Tarek-kay/Tarek(for short):

Obnoxious Ditto sent by Prof. Oak to do an observation in another world.

Rai-ick/Rai(for short):

Described by Tarek as his "rival"...Or is he? Nuff said fer now. xD

--------------------------------------------------------
Prologue: Just a messenger

A single clatter of windows slamming shut, a flap of my wings and I was on my way. Again. With the wind blowing straight in my face, streaming up my beak and feathers all a mess, I was on a mission. Clearly, the Man in White hadn’t been fully awake and so had just manage to stagger to my Pokeball to release me and send me on my way instead of sending himself there. The person I’d been sent to was…interesting enough, but still, it was rather demeaning for a ditto of my stature to be reduced to a messenger.

I let out a deep, heartfelt sigh that came out as a pathetic little chirp before I returned my attention back to where it was supposed to be focused at: my surroundings, location, destination and navigations. Sadly enough, I did not have the luxury of extra time to ponder what this “alternate worlds theorem” the Man in White had been muttering about had to do with my quest.

I noticed that he’d been fiddling about with the phone on his table, trying to contact someone whom he called “Gold”(now, who could that be?), then giving up and saying that he’d send me to find “Red”, the boy(I knew this ‘un, almost everyone did) being the last person who had been sighted with Gold.


Many people say it’s fun to fly. I’m usually on their side, that is, if I’m not in the middle of gale force winds and there’s a water spout heading in my direction. On this particular morning however, all was well. The sun was up, the bird-like pokemon were chirruping sweetly(and loudly) and smooth flying conditions were enjoyed by those capable of flight.

I decided to speed up a little and flapped harder while trying to seem like I wasn’t in a hurry at all(albeit trying to keep at least a scrap of dignity instead of flapping about like a lunatic). Ah, almost there: a small peaceful countryside house in the midst of the settlement otherwise known as Pallet Town. Keeping in mind that-

SPLAT

Stupid lamp-post.

----------------------------------

Alright. Chapter One might be a trifle confusing for someone who's never read Pokemon Adventures, but please bear with me! XD And it might be somewhat rushed.
---------------------------------------------------

Chapter One: In which a wish comes true in a twisted way

Around an hour later…
In a whole different world…

Humph. Some “short trip”. I was now rocking upon my talons in the form of a pidgey, my brown to sandy shaded feathers buffeted by the blasts of wind created by the onrushing spurt of almost continuous traffic, caused by the busy cars streaming down the highway and past my tree.

Come to think of it, how had I ended up here, anyway? Oh, righto:

The pidgey fluttered back through the window of the lab and came to rest upon a perch, its surface worn down from use. I looked around, surveying the all too familiar scene before me. The usual stack of books piled here and there in a random fashion upon shelves and desktops, and worse: the Pokeballs, those cruel instruments in which humans found power to restrain us, each one containing a different specimen of Pokemon. They were all nestled there in neat rows on the Professor’s shelves.

“Have you found him?” came a sudden voice from another corner of the room. I jerked in surprise, not expecting such a straightforward query. The Man in White looked up at me from his pile of documents heaped across his desk. I gave a bird-ish shrug of my shoulders and shook my head. “Ah.” The Prof. slumped back into his chair, scrubbing at his bloodshot eyes. Strange. I’d never seen him work that hard before, at least put that much effort so as to strain his visual orbs.

“I’d forgotten. Red set off with Green quite some time ago. So now, Chris, Silver and Gold are all gone too…I can’t garner that necessary information: what it was like to enter Celebi’s realm, the realm of time-traveling.” Then, the Man in White’s gaze traveled around the room, finally landing straight on me. Several long moments passed, with both of us staring back at each other. The Professor’s expression was unreadable. I, on the other hand, was wondering if all that researching had finally succeeded in cracking his brain.

After what seemed like half an eternity later, Prof Oak seemed to emerge from his reverie at last, remarking to me that I’d been just “the perfect test subject” and also how he could have possibly missed it. I shook out my ruffled feathers in confusion. These humans were just plain daft. At least, we Pokemon had our own logical reasons for doing weird things.

Then the professor got up suddenly and started bustling around the lab, searching for something he called a “Portal Opening Remote” or in short, the POR. I watched on with a rising amount of amusement, especially when the poor human had to bend himself downwards and crawl along the floor. When the Man in White got up at long last, he turned towards me with something that looked roughly like a kaleidoscope. It even had two ends for seeing through it. It was only at that particular point of time when the POR as the Prof. called it, made its appearance that he started explaining to me what he had been working so hard for.

The POR, or the kaleidoscope shaped object, was a tool that the Man in White had been working on for an extended length of time. It had the power(according to the prof.) to travel to a whole different world. Before I even had time to swallow this piece of rather unbelievable information, the wretched man rushed on to tell me about a certain battle that had taken place around one or two years ago. It’d been centered around the time-traveling Pokemon Celebi. The world of time had also been intruded upon as well, in the midst of the heated battle, which had caused the Man in White to ponder upon the possible existence of other worlds.

Short pause all around. I waited. And waited. I was waiting for the burst of laughter that would come from the Man in White, waiting to hear him say that it was all a great big joke, waiting for him to get me back into my Pokeball. But all these self-predicted actions never came. The Man in White was looking as serious as I’d ever seen him. So I just turned my back on him. Sounds silly right now, come to think of it. But what else could I’ve done? Destroy the POR? Oh, I should have. Could have. Would have. But I didn’t.

Then the Prof, possibly feeling rather awkward in the prolonged silence, started mumbling about how the Celebi must have sealed off the portals connecting the worlds from humans, since the strands of human DNA sent in through the portal by him had been instantly destroyed. But not a Pokemon’s. Oh, so that was it. The Man in White wanted me to go investigate that other world.

That I had the power to shape change, to “adapt to almost any other environment”, was his excuse in booting me out to undergo this dangerous task. Yeah, right. The power to adapt. Just because I was a ditto. Some” power”. And then he added with a weak grin that wasn’t this what I wanted? Freedom with no human to tell me off, boss me around?

And that, was how I came into this supposed “other world” with the stupid heavy POR clutched in my talons. Moral of the story: never ever wish for something that you know is practically impossible. It might just come true. In a particularly twisted way…

-------------------------------------------------------

O____o'' EGADS. ...Um...I'll edit any mistakes or whatevers tommorrow or something, cos' I'm in a hurry to post this. X_x Comments, constructive critisism(sp?) are welcome!
 
Last edited:

katiekitten

The Compromise
This is very good Luckmage! *hugs* I really enjoyed this, especially how you gave the ditto a heckload of attitude. *grins*

The ditto reminds me of Bartimaeus, from the Bartimaeus trilogy. (Now over, sadly. *sniffs*) I was wondering if I would ever see that style of writing again... And here it is! *smushes in another hug* I am very happy now. Toodle pit...

*wanders off humming*

Oh, nearly forgot. No spelling errors that I could see at the end, and it is a little rushed, the first chapter. Ah well. :)

Also, people tend to post the prologue separate to the first chapter. The length of the chappie bothers me a bit, too. You see, all chapters have to be over 1 microsoft word page long, and this is borderline. Maybe put more into the next chapter? If not that is fine. :)

I also recommened Word for spelling errors, if you are not using it already. :)

o_O Army of smileys... Sorry about that. *resists the urge to put in another one*
 

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
Yays. My first review. ^^

The ditto reminds me of Bartimaeus, from the Bartimaeus trilogy.

...*is caught in the act* Er...I've read the Barty Trilogy too...and enjoyed it. So that's probably why the ditto sounds like Bart. X_x''

all chapters have to be over 1 microsoft word page long, and this is borderline.

Chapter One was...about two Word pages long... o_O'' Hmm...maybe there's something wrong with my paragraphing thingy...

And, yeah, Chappy One was rather short. I go for quality rather than quantity... So that's why it turned out so short and I was in a rush to finish this, but I think Chapter Two/should/be/longer. I think... xD

people tend to post the prologue separate to the first chapter.

Oops.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing! ^_^'' *goes to think about the next chapter*
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
*ducks head* Eep, my bad, sorry. Forgot to change the text type... *gives sorry cookie*

Bartimaeus type character! *waves happy flag* Having a simular character is fine, don't worry. :)

Sorry for bothering you again... *runs off*
 

Mika_Coyote

Forever learning!
Hmm... Interesting... Of course, I never read the mangas, so here and there I'm a little confused, but it's no biggie! Nice start, by the way! It's certainly engaging enough to make one want to keep reading! Uh... Since the fic is only starting... I can't say much more... Sorry... XD *gets hit*
 

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
Okay, before I start I need to warn folks who get bored easily: this is a pretty boring Chap, so get out quick while you still have the chance. As in "nothing" really quite happens besides me trying to get a "feel" of what the main character is about.

------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Two: In which there is much rain and pondering

It was raining. Oooh, thunderstorm. Spooky. I’d taken a new form to blend in: a dull brown, skinny and flea-bitten tom cat. The feline crouched down low, sheltering underneath a handy thorn bush in the field that’d been almost too conveniently situated near the highway. The tom shivered ever so slightly against the wind that battered against it. Splendid. Now I was cold and wet. Not to mention, the distant crashing of thunder overhead didn’t exactly help my mood. Giving myself a quick swipe of a wet tongue in a futile attempt to flatten the windswept and drenched fur draped across my back, I gave my current situation a quick once over.

…Well. Perhaps I’d been in worse conditions before, but being dumped out by myself into a world that I didn’t know was certainly a new one. All I wanted to do now was just accomplish my task and haul the POR safely back home. Wherever “home” was for me. Speaking of the POR… The cat glanced behind itself to take a closer and also wary look at the tool. The kaleidoscope shaped object seemed harmless enough. It reached from the tip of my nose to around my cat form’s midriff. It was an unappealing blackish-blueish-greeney colour, sparkly too and it had the usual two ends: one larger and wider with the other end smaller and for seeing through. I almost snorted. Funny. The tool that held the ability to travel between different worlds seemed like some child’s toy.

Meanwhile, while my attention had been directed towards the POR, the rain had finally slowed to a bearable drizzle. I stuck a little pink tongue out from the bush, feeling the cold and sharp sensations of water droplets dripping slowly into my mouth as I tasted the air for any useful scents that might help me on my way. Various tangs of smells struck me(or rather, the cat part of my brain), but not anything that I could put to good use.

So I crept out cautiously from my refuge, just remembering to drag the kaleidoscope along with me. I had barely taken a pawstep or two forwards when there was a jarring sensation and- Thump. I hit the ground backwards and went sprawling upon my back, letting go of the POR which had been clutched in between my jaws until one or two seconds ago. Feeling dazed, I simply stared up at the dark sky which was currently swathed in veils of grey clouds, only to be started back into alertness by the rivulets of water striking against my face.

I scrambled to my paws awkwardly, then stood there like an idiot for a second, looking around frantically for the POR: the only tool I had to ensure my return back to the Pokemon world. There it was! It was wedged firmly between the branches of the bush. I sighed. Could anything else go wrong? Now even plants seemed to become hindrances. I leaned forward and griped the rain-slicked kaleidoscope in my jaws.

Yank.

Tug.

Pull.


The bush still refused to forfeit its prize.

The cat backed off a little and considered its next move. Besides ripping the entire shrub apart, I could see that brute force wasn’t going to work. So I tried the next best tactic: bending back the weight of the branches that had tangled the kaleidoscope with my front paws. No problem getting it out this time. The tool slid out smoothly from the bush without a hiccup. Feeling marginally better after solving my first crisis(okay, so it wasn’t much of one, but what’d you expect? Alright, so perhaps you humans would be better off reading about your own species), I resumed my journey across the field with the kaleidoscope slung in my mouth like some trophy of heroism.

---------------------------------------

Some hours later…
Somewhere…

The sparrow hunched itself over, shivering. It drew its tiny claws closer in. Bedraggled feathers fluffed out, it hopped outside where the sun cast off some feeble light. It was of little comfort but cheering after the gloomy and overcast weather I’d been through. After I had traversed the field and walked some length along the busy highway, rain had started falling again. Almost like an omen.

But I had to say this: besides the weather and having to take on various obscure animal shapes(no eye-catching forms or anything flashy, in other words), this expedition was turning out far better than I’d expected. So far so good. All I had left to do now was: find a human ally, acquire some more info on the place and then make a quick exit from the place. It was easier said than done, but it’d probably wouldn’t prove to be too difficult.

The only hitch in my plan of course was how I’d get a human to be able to understand my Poke speech. It did make those with a higher level of cognitive ability(brighter entities including me) wonder a little: if humans were supposedly “smarter” then why were we Pokemon able to understand them, and not they, us? It was a subject certainly worth pondering over. But not now. I still had a task to be accomplished. Such higher musings could be kept away for later.

But I still needed to learn exactly how to speak Human first. The sparrow slashed its wings downwards in a power stroke and fluttered away through the air, this time with a clearer goal in mind. (Note: I’d stashed away the POR someplace secret, in case(highly unlikely)a more observant human had stumbled upon it)

----------------------

You guys may now pelt me with rotten marshmallows for writing such a boring chapter now. *hides*
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
I liked this new chappie a lot! *hugs* Don't worry, its not boring. It does let us get to know the character, which is a always nice. :)

Meh, nothing else to say. My reviewing brain has switched off. Until next time! *wanders off* :)
 
Last edited:

Koubagia

Superluminal Porygon
I'm liking this, my scoring system hasn't really reflected well how much I like this, but I don't want to differentiate from my set method. I have never read the manga, but I found it pretty easy to understand anyway. Here is my full review:

Plot
Very unique and original, from what there is so far.This looks like it could develop very interestingly, and it has certainly kept me reading so far. The second chapter was a little dull in concept and seems a little redundant, but I'll take that back if it proves relevant, which I think it will be.

Plot score: 8/10

Characters
I haven't read the trilogy that Ditto's character is from, so I cannot compare his character to that which he was based on. However, you gave a good impression of the character by showing rather than telling, which is good. The only criticism to make is that I don't get an impression from the writing itself that Ditto truly is a "brighter entity", but this can be overcome by using a bit more complex language. But that's my only real complaint.

Characters score: 8/10

Interest
I am intrigued by this, the "real world" thing is a concept I am considering for a fic, and if used well could make this story very good. It's very original, though a Pokémon taking the leading role is nothing new I think a Pokémon in the real world alone could make a very interesting plot.

Interest score: 9/10

Construction
It's well laid out and easy to read. First person is not used very often from my experience, but you have used it very well. Things you could improve include the use of onomatopoeia, which I dislike, although that is only a matter of opinion. Having Ditto speak to the audience like you did breaks up the flow of the story a little, too. The chapters could be a little longer, but that's not really a problem.

Construction score: 7/10

Overall score: 80%
Woo! Banner upgrade!
 

Praxiteles

Friendly POKéMON.
Whee! Good writers do come true!

Good work. The idea is refreshingly original. Alternate universes make for quite a bit of fun, since it's virtually impossible to make a linear plot. And, of course, I have a feeling that won't be the only universe the Ditto would see, which would keep a reader's interest in the chapter. I think I'll honor you by making your fic the first one to be reviewed with my grading system. Here it goes:

Readability
How much the reader is hooked on

The most important section for me, even though its weightage is about standard. I'd say you pretty much take the cake there. Being a Ditto, your character has quite a bit of potential, and many ways to move about what I believe is the original human universe, though it might not be. And since you're more or less following the alternate reality theorem exactly, there are infinite worlds, and infinite opportunities along with it. In other words, a highly interesting fic. It's a bit dull right now, but I expect it to increase its pace as the chapters go.

Score: 19 / 20

Plot
How well-made the plot is

As I said before, it's an alternate universe, so there are no Gyms or Leagues, as far as I can tell. And since it's quite obvious the Ditto's expedition will not be just allying with a human and getting out of there, as it was planned, there will most likely be quite a plot, with many twists and turns and no clear idea of what the future would bring. I can't say much; it's only two chapters; but I would say the plot will be quite good.

Score:18 / 20

Description
Using description

Better than average. You let the reader have a clear idea of the scene, but you make sure it's not so much that the end result is a gigantic paragraph of boring details droning on. The only flaw you have is characters. While I know exactly how Prof. Oak looks like, it's impossible for every reader to know. Some are newbies to Pokemon, and have no idea how a Pidgey looks like or the appearance of a Ditto. While you shouldn't overload the description, there should be more than just 'brown to sandy shaded feathers' when talking of a Pidgey, and at least a small idea of what Prof. Oak looks like.

Score: 16 / 20

Character Developement
The name is self-explanatory

Out of the two characters you have right now, I'd say it's great. The Professor's personality really befits his title, and the Ditto is very well-developed. Best of all, you show it all rather than just making a section reserved for the character's past. I'm not very experienced at the stuff, but I have a basic feel for it, and I can say you're good.

Score: 20 / 20

Spelling, Grammar, and Vocabulary
The spelling, grammar, and how much the ideas are dressed up

It's almost flawless. You most likely use a spell checker, and so it's pretty much perfect. The only thing you need to know is that Pokemon names have capital first letters. There isn't a ditto, there's a Ditto, and ditto (pardon the pun) for all the rest. Everything else is great.

Score: 14 / 15

Total Score: 87 / 100; A-. Relatively good.

Keep it up, or, better yet, make it higher!
 

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Alright, so perhaps you humans would be better off reading about your own species

Ha ha ha ha...That got a knowing laugh out of me. XD

Thing is, I prefer Pokécentric fics, muchly. ^^ The lead character being a Pokémon is instantly appealing - I like getting to read from a Pokémon's perspective, since, after all, I already deal with a human perspective every day from the moment I wake up. XD And that the character is a DITTO only helps matters, because, of course, the abilities of the species make them about as unique as is possible. This guy's already been a Pidgey, a kitty cat, and a sparrow - that alone is just really cool. ^^ He definitely offers a lot of interesting possibilities.

I like very much that you're going with the alternate worlds theory, because it reconciles both a world with Pokémon, and a world without. And because there are both here...yeah. I like the idea of a Pokémon in a world that doesn't have them, has no cause to believe in them, and is therefore uterrly unprepared to deal with one. Which should mean a lovely time for our Ditto friend here...heh heh heh. XPPP

You handle first-person perspective excellently, and with a style that is severely easy to like. ^^ From the prologue alone, I was made to care about this character and this story and was instantly interested in reading more.

Favorite moment:

Keeping in mind that-

SPLAT

Stupid lamp-post.

XDDDDDDDDDD

This is just really enjoyable to read. Salute! ^^
 

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
Eh...

Oh my geeeeeeeeee. O__________o

Looks like I've a LOT to live up to, after this. xD *did not expect fic to be rated a whopping five stars*

Er...thanks? xP And yes, I'll try sprinkling in more descriptions and stuff. *makes extra note to capitalize the names of various Pokemon species*

Although I was thinking that the Ditto [SPOIL]should be staying in just this world as I'll be creating some...opportunities for "things" to crop up[/SPOIL].

Yah.

Spoilers for next chappie: [SPOIL]I should be into-ing a new charry![/SPOIL]

Have to add that the progress for this fanfic will be going quite slowwwww...because this writer is a horrible procrastinator and she is currently short of ideas. -_-''

*will add in more things later in this post, if time permits it* xD
 
Last edited:

Catapult Turtle

AbLªh GenerªL
(Is Turtley.)

I haven't read something this good in a long time ^^ The plot is pretty original, although it's really kind of early to tell anything for sure. I liked chapter 2, because your writing there was particularly humorous. As it is everywhere. In some places your descriptions get a tad messy, but other than that, this is really good. You've got me as a reader though, for sure!
 

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
Squee!!! xD Hey Turtley/Catapult Turtle! Tis' Firey/Luckmage here,from WAUD and all that jazz, thanks fer reading and stuff. ^__^ *replies to some various reviewers' comments as well*

The only criticism to make is that I don't get an impression from the writing itself that Ditto truly is a "brighter entity"

That's because "my" Ditto here is a braggart. He is just "one of those" characters that like to brag about their supposed "talents". ...Poor guy. xP

I like the idea of a Pokémon in a world that doesn't have them, has no cause to believe in them, and is therefore uterrly unprepared to deal with one.

*snickers* Just wait and see... =P *evilcacklelaughter* I would say more but that would just give away the plot... >.>

----------------------------------------------

Edit: Took down Chapter Three, cos it came out very sloppily. I'm currently thinking how to rewrite it.
 
Last edited:

Koubagia

Superluminal Porygon
This review might seem a little on the harsh side, and I'm sorry, its just that I know that you can do better than this, the other chapters are fine examples.

Interest
I hate to say it, but this chapter was not brilliant. I've really liked your fic so far, but I feel that this chapter was a little dull. I'm sure that it will become relevant at a later time, but I think this could be improved upon, perhaps by including an appearance of the main character, Ditto. Chapters 2 and 3 were so short that it might well be worth it to have combined them, that would have made the interest score a little higher.

Interest Score: 6/10


Plot
I've seen you do better. Chapter one was excellent, chapter two was good, and this was mediocre in comparison. It was a little confusing, it's one thing trying to add mystery to your fic, but another to simply confuse the reader. Its a very fine line, and you might have crossed it a little here.

Plot Score: 4/10 (sorry, I'm just a little disappointed)


Characters
This has always been a good point of your story, and is the redeeming feature of this chapter. I love to see characters start to develop and Prey and the stranger have come across well here. You haven't really made this chapter long enough to get a good feel for them, but I can tell from what you have written what sort of people they are. The characters are the best part of this chapter.

Characters Score: 8/10


Construction:
Overall good, no immediately obvious grammar or spelling mistakes here. Easy to read as usual, and although the length is once again a disappointment, there is little to criticise here.

Construction Score: 9/10


Overall Score: 67.5%
 

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
Yes. I'm superbly...bad at writing in third person and for twists in plots . Meepish. Maybe I should just stick the Ditto's point of view from now on... e_e'' *HAS to make chappies longer next time*

I should have just written Chapter Three from Ditto's POV instead. Gah. And I/really/shouldn't/have/forced/the/story/out/like/that. Major mistake. >____<

Edit: I'm putting this on hold until I get a good idea or something like that.

It could be today or maybe even a week later, but I promise I'll finish this! X____x

Does anyone have any ideas to further the plot?

Edit again: Alright, I'm taking it down Chapter Three and rewriting it, sorry everyone! @___@

Note: Oh, ok, no wonder it was confusing...I forgot to mention in Chappie Three that the events were happening at the same time and "same place" where the Ditto was. The Prey and the stranger part comes in after Ditto hid the kaleidoscope on top of the letterboxes. And they all took place at that particular block of flats.

...To sum up: Ditto+Prey+Stranger= Simultaneous events at the same time
 
Last edited:

Smile Guy

Keep Smiling...
katiekitten said:
The ditto reminds me of Bartimaeus, from the Bartimaeus trilogy. (Now over, sadly. *sniffs*) I was wondering if I would ever see that style of writing again... And here it is!

My thoughts exactly, actually. I really thought BARTIMAEUS the moment you introduced the ditto in the Prologue. It was rather similar. But anyway, onto a review. I'm afraid, due to lack of time, I only managed to read the Prologue and Chappy 1, but I will get round to the rest, some time soon, whenever that soon might be.

The attitude and character of your ditto is superb. Just like the Bartimaeus trilogy the thoughts and moans and angers of this hapless helper is very well done. However, I would be careful to balance thought and action just right. Otherwise it gets very confusing. Too much thought and it -- not necessarily become boring -- but becomes samey and repetitive. Too much action and you get completely and utterly lost. "Weren't they in a volcano a couple of seconds ago?"
"Oh. I missed that tiny sentence."
It can all amount to some confusion. I also felt, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that you were trying to find longer, more 'intellectual' words for every word. Although, this can add variety, it can also be a pain in the neck -- It can destroy a nice pace to a story. Write what comes into your head, if you don't have that ability (and many people don't) then just try to use the words that you'd say if you were actuall telling the story.
But, despite my criticisms it is very good and I see the 'P' word = Potential. Good luck with this.
Now, could you please review my story?
 

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
I tried rewriting Chapter Three again. So, yeah. X_x''

==================================

Chapter Three: In which Ditto’s rival appears

My pale white heart shaped Barn Owl face illuminated in the light cast off from the treacherous lamp posts that I did my best to steer clear of, I spread my wide buff brown and white wings for extra lift on the cool night air and hovered on the spot while I took in all I could perceive with my acute vision.

I was airborne over a great bustling metropolis, the busy highways were jam packed with vehicles of all shapes and sizes, while humans(also of all shapes and sizes)crowded the walkways. Oh, and the sky was dark and sprinkled here and there with stars with only the moon obscured by fluffy grey clouds. No rain this time, I was glad to note. Good. I was getting tired of shaking out sopping wet feathers.

A cool breeze ruffled my handsome self and I shook my head in a contemplative manner. The humans didn’t notice a thing, did they? As far as I was concerned, this was just a breeding ground for trouble. Perfect for a riot to start anytime: the people all compressed into a massive throng, the atmosphere was so thoroughly tainted with the greediness and ecstasy that materialism brought.

In other words, it was Heaven for frenetic shoppers, busy bargain hunters and gape mouthed tourists. Buildings were simply squashed side by side: shopping areas. Clothing, food, beauty products, you name it, the shops sold it.

I shrugged my feathered shoulders and fell back to mulling over my situation, not being at all tempted by any of the goods, bought or sold. Basically, I’d been given a month by the Man in White to complete my task. Tough luck. A month. It wasn’t the duration that ruffled my sleek feathers, oh no. It was more the thought that my long term rival might be here and that we might meet up, what with him being a Border Guardian and all.

Yes, I have a rival. His name is Rai-ick. Not that he scared me, not really. Just made me feel uneasy. What with that long serpentine body in his original form…. It would only make things worse, mulling over things that had happened so long ago. Besides, the off chance was that Rai-ick might have forgiven what I’d done…Might.

Oops, veered off in a totally unhelpful direction there. I leaped back into my usual perceptive and non-day dreamy self again.

Wait…there was a road sign up ahead near a bus stop. A long skinny green placard with wording inscribed on it; perched atop an iron pole. While the road sign wouldn’t give any clue at all as to what specific region I was in, it would definitely help matters if I at least knew where I was right now. I squinted down at it, trying to read the inscriptions from a distance. And yes, I could read.

Orchard Road.

Hmm.

I started to speculate what it might mean to say about this road: Orchard. Maybe instead of meaning that the cultivation of fruits and other greenery, it might have meant the “cultivation” of shops instead.

…Boring.

Just then, I spotted a peculiarly shaped building up ahead: it was a regular brown rectangle, only it suddenly rounded off into a weird arc at the end. I read the name of the building: Wheelock Place.

…Even the name was odd. Out of curiosity’s sake, and also the fact that it was starting to get rather tedious, what with just hanging around in mid-air like a Haunter ready to spook people out of their wits(now there’s a fun idea; only I couldn’t act upon it). I located a secluded area with some difficulty and spiraled down in a gravity defying nosedive into the alleyway.

A few moments later, a tall young man around nineteen years of age emerged from the alley. He tugged at the tight collar of his black shirt with some amount of discomfort and ran a nervous hand through his mop of brown hair before he stepped into the seething mass of humanity, disappearing into the crowd.

Hello, humanity.

Half pushing and shoving my way through the multitude of sweaty and swearing bodies, I made quite a slow progress though I speeded it up a little when I let out a discreet spark of lightning(borrowed from my Raichu shape)to literally shock the unlucky and stubborn person who was in front of me and just refused to clear off.

Two hours later…
Approximately Eleven p.m
Wheelock Place, Borders Bookstore

I picked up a book from the shelf and leafed through it idly, my eyes glazed over in lethargy. I cupped a hand over my mouth to conceal a yawn. Alright, this had gone too far. I was going to have to retire for the night. Too many shape changes that day and too much surveillance. Basically, I was pooped and teetering on the brink of collapse.

Something caught my eye just then, riveting my keen blue gaze to it.

No. This couldn’t be. Could it?...

So. They knew that Pokemon existed… Or did they? On that particular shelf of books? Possible “proof” that they, the humans this world knew? Well. Quite a discovery. If you called a discovery a piece of knowledge that made your world come tumbling down, then yes, it was a discovery.

A shelf choked full with books about Pokemon? Pokemon manga?

Truthfully, I felt…annoyed really. Just annoyed and irritable. How could they? Did these humans in this world know what they were toying around with? What were they doing, publishing these books that followed the outlines of what happened in my own world.

My own world. These humans were toying around with my own world. Could they predict what was happening there?

But there was nothing I could do about it. At least, not now. But if I ever managed to get my claws on the publishers…

Replacing the book back on the shelves where it rightfully belonged, I turned on my heels and marched back out of doors. Out of the air-conditioned comfort as well. The only thing that I would miss after leaving the place.

I backtracked to the alley again and took off in a random direction in my Barn Owl form. Right before an invisible obstruction blocked my way, causing me to crash right into it and spin out of control for a moment before I righted myself.

What on Earth?…

I tried again, ending up with a similar result.

Silly me. I suddenly realized that I’d made an immense mistake. The abrupt stop of the rain, trespassing through the Borders(not the bookshop, you dense humans) while coming through this world. And now this invisible barrier.

If I was right about who had been causing all this, I was in big trouble. I spiraled back down to the ground again, needing some ground cover, being too clear a target in the air. Emerging from the alley in my previous human guise, I stepped back into the mass of humans.

Someone tapped my shoulder. I spun around, but with less finesse in my weary state.

Oh, Hell

“Rai-ick, what are you doing here?...” my brain grinded to a sudden halt in the midst of my shock, leaving me no articulate jibes to spare.

That, Tarek-kay, is exactly what I should be saying to you.” And with that, my old time rival, pulled his very human lips back in a nasty smile.

===============================================

e___e''
 

Praxiteles

Friendly POKéMON.
Hmmm... I can tell what you meant by opportunities cropping up...

Another good chapter. The first thing, actually, that I noticed was the (final) decision to give the poor Ditto a name. Tarek-kay, eh? I can't quite say what I feel about that name. Interesting...

Anyways, I'm not all that glad to see Tarek-kay get a rival. It's a bit cliché, if you know what I mean. But then again, I've only seen one peice of dialog by Rai-ick (the name reminds me of ickiness), so this could turn out to be quite intriguing.

Also, as a side note, I wonder if Tarek-kay will ever meet the owner of that Manga. Now that would be a sight to see.

*More tiny paragraphs come; curtain falls.*
 

Luckmage

Boulder Trainer
Pyroken Serafoculus:

The first thing, actually, that I noticed was the (final) decision to give the poor Ditto a name.

Yes. Actually I'd already decided his name even before Chapter Two or something. xD

Anyways, I'm not all that glad to see Tarek-kay get a rival. It's a bit cliché, if you know what I mean.

They're not really "rivals", it's just that...Erm... *cannot give away anything without spoiling the plot* Well, let's just say that they just share different ideals and backgrounds. And Rai-ick is there for a wholly different reason. He's not there for the sake of chasing after Tarek-kay though. xP

I wonder if Tarek-kay will ever meet the owner of that Manga.

Now there's something to consider. Heh-heh. -shifty eyes- And btw: [SPOIL]the manga series that Tarek-kay got all worked-up about was Pokemon Special. =D[/SPOIL]

And as always, thanks for reviewing: *hands three cookies to Pyroken Serafoculus*

Note: I am adding a character list to my very first post in this thread.
 

Sike Saner

Peace to the Mountain
Seriously, I just love the premise of this to death. ^^

Tarek-kay going into an alternate-universe and seeing mangas about his own world - that was a classic moment. I imagine were I in his posotion, my reaction would have been a bit....different. I would have likely gone "WHOA, WHAT THE ****?!?!?" and gotten EVERY eye in Borders on me....yeah. Good thing Tarek-kay didn't react like that. XDDD

And I am immediately intrigued by Rai-ick. Whose name is very fun to say, btw. ^^

Couple of random highlights:

gape mouthed tourists

XD Nice and apt description.

Out of curiosity’s sake, and also the fact that it was starting to get rather tedious, what with just hanging around in mid-air like a Haunter ready to spook people out of their wits(now there’s a fun idea; only I couldn’t act upon it).

Heh, that got a chuckle out of me. ^^

trespassing through the Borders(not the bookshop, you dense humans)

XDDDDDDDDDD Yeah....you dense humans! XPPPPP
 
Top