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Kertonmel: Sinsufficient Glory!

Dilasc

Boip!
Well, it’s that time again where I bring to front another story I likely will not finish! Warning, this story is CRUDE! It’s vulgar, sexist and perverted... but only in the name of storytelling with no deeper insight supporting such behavior. Henceforth, I’m thinking PG-13 is good since there’s nothing graphic actually mentioned, just LOTS of wordplay. As for whether it’s subtle or not: you decide!

I hope you like lotsa Double Entendres because… uh… well, I forgot the punch line!

In any case, disclaimer is that anything said here is just for the sake of story or lulz… I tend to fall off the deep end into a lull.

Be hopefully blown away by new Pokemon and new types the likes of which you’ve only maybe seen before.

In any case: Welcome yourselves to Kertonmel! Enter an adventure that snarks its way through hardship and rigorous danger. Enter the story of…

Kertonmel: Sinsufficient Glory!


Chapter Lists will be placed Here
Chapter 1: A Glimpse of Awesome


Watchlist:


Well, Shall we begin?

Chapter 1: A Glimpse of Awesome

Have I ever mentioned how great I was? No seriously, I’m just plain badass and nobody knows it yet. To be fair, I try to conceal this greatness for now, but just you wait! I’m about to embark into that wild world and everyone will want to see the glory of my balls; they’ll think I’m an awesome Pokémon trainer too.

So who the hell am I? Well, if you don’t yet know, I’m Ralph Garbinto, and I live near the desert of Kertonmel: it’s sort of a dry place, but as we travel, you’ll learn more about this place than you’ll care to know. Heck, I barely care myself!

Anyways, I’m fourteen, and it wasn’t my birthday recently… where would anyone get the idea of people starting their journeys right at about their birthday? No, really? Is it like, every trainer is a spring chicken or something? Me, I’m just a giant prick; my height on the other hand I’d say is… average for my age.

Yes, gaze at my perfect blue hair! You gotta have blue hair... or something. It’s curly though, which I’m surprised more people aren’t. You’d think the curler existed worldwide but everyone wears their hair flat… or in spikes. What’re those whack jobs thinking?

So, where was I? Oh yea, me being awesome! I’m headed over to meet with a sexy woman who I’m dying to meat… I mean meet… no, I wanna do bot, heh. Susanne Conifer, so what if she’s two and a half times my age plus three years, she has a reputation of bringing children into her workspace to take monsters from her. Maybe I should repay her with one of my own, ya think?

It happened last week when I had applied for the second year in a row for one of the starting beasts so I could get glory! I got disqualified the first time when I said something nasty to one of the girls there. Not that it was wrong, because it wasn’t.

Look, her skirt was WAY too short and I simply had to know how it never showed… anything beneath. It had to have been like magic, or some crap. For realz, how do those things not fall off? Why even wear them that short if you know guys want to look underneath, right? Uh… am I right? Stupid sexy hotties! You know the inevitable will happen. Not to mention, I was DYING to see… at that rate it might’ve been literal.

Hah! So, anyway, here we are! We stand at the pinnacle of hawtness. A sexy woman with round objects to put in my hand, though not the kinds I really want. Eh, with what I get I’ll be rolling in them soon enough… just you all wait!

So, I’ve been thinking over the creatures that I’m to get: Pokémon - Small monsters that live in balls near your belt. Whoever invented these would’ve been a case for Sigmund Freud to call the ultimate answer! I think history said that one of his patients had the basic schematic… sick fucker! Not that I don’t mind balls at my belt as they’ll take a kick meant for less durable but far mare awesome ones!

Hmmm, the Pokémon in question now… okay, let me see if I can explain them because they’re just… weird. It’s like some kid made them with a bunch of stickers and whatever god or creator gave them life played a cruel joke and let them somehow manage with such twisted existence.

I’ll start by saying this simple fact: all of them are cyclopean, one eyed freaks. If I were a wuss, this would be the stuff to fuel my nightmares. They also have the oddest colors befitting their… types.

Deep breath Ralphie… give me a moment because if you can’t see these creatures (and you can’t, most likely) then the best way to describe them is the most longwinded and probably the most boring. Fortunately, I’m not boring because I’m badass so entertaining people for me is easier than Nintendo doing so!

We’ll start with the grass type: Corvolden. Now, most lands have a creature that’s green, with at least four legs, either bipedal or quad… Corvolden is a friggin’ corn stalk! I kid you not! It is yellow corn and its leaves are burnt brown. It has no legs and the leaves are ’hands.’ It is cool enough with where a stem on corn usually is a FRIGGIN' SOCKET PLUG! Yea... it has a socket plug! How was this some sort of beneficial trait in a natural world anyway?

In any case, I think it might be cool, since it’s a grass type, and an electric type… you don’t know what types are? Well, good thing I’m here to tell you, right? Of course I’m right, because I’m awesome! But as I said, it’s got two types, which is way useful.

Next, the water type, Liqwierd, has a name that sounds like it’d fit a porn star. This thing must baffle science and faith alike. How do I make this simple? No, seriously, how do I make the description easy to understand? How the hell? I just… I better begin before my brain pops.

OKAY! So, if Corvolden is corn, then Liqwierd is a mutant mermaid with an amorphous body... that’s literally the best description I could give as a basic! Liqwierd’s lower body has a red fishy mermaid fin, not long, but just… there. Its body is, as I said, like it literally is water, but it’s a dark purple! Its arms have no fingers, ending in rounded stubs and its eye in the middle of its face is a glowing green. This thing would make me piss myself if I didn’t fear it merging with the liquid I make.

I hear it looks more like a real mermaid with evolution, and becomes more of a ghost. Hmm…. I’m not that desperate… wait, I’m not desperate at all. Women fall naked at my feet willingly! For real. Just let’s get to the last one!
Anteekay: An, friggin’ teekay. How do I describe it? Well, it’s a bug, a black army ant of a sort. It has a singular netted bug eye in the middle of its face and segmented legs… two of them. From what I learned, this two segmented ant crawls around using its antennae AS legs to help propel its motion. It can’t even walk straight. At least Liqwierd can hover and Corvolden can bounce. This thing is slow as hell and uses its sensory head thingies to WALK.

Hey god, Arceus, All Father, etcetera… kiss my sexy Mongolian ass! If you’re a woman, use your tongue! To be sure, this is clearly not nature’s favorite creature, and to be fair, it is an endangered species. But why in the name of yummy girl kitty would any new up and coming trainer find a train wreck like this to be useful. I’ll admit: the ghostly blue fire that puffs up infrequently is badass, just like me (in case you forgot,) but still.

Do girls find these creatures cute? Will a man like me, awesome I may be, ever crack the eternal question about the human woman? Maybe… maybe.

One more thing about Anteekay, it’s not even a fire type, which I think SHOULD be illegal, but evolving into one might be helpful, I suppose. Still, it looks like it wants out of its misery.

That’s why I’m going to avoid it at all costs. Ha-ha… ha… I have this sneaking suspicion that irony is going to thwack me in the face.

Hmm, I’ve gotten so lost giving you all such worthless exposition, you didn’t get to watch my last breakfast: uh, picture it like the last supper but with playboy bunnies, robotic pirates being offed by my kung fu, and a picture of Groudon in the background giving me a thumbs up. We’re totally homeboys!

So, here I am at the door to Conifer’s place. There’s a door, so obviously I’m opening it… I don’t gotta tell you such useless stuff, do I? I likely might, but beholding what’s ahead, I see two women who aren’t useless… not until I find them to be.

Susan is in her thirties, and women look good for a long time… I measured the length on my wang… you won’t understand the complex math because you are simple humans. She has sea green hair that flows down her face, and tends to block it and the blue eyes within. She’s not much taller than me, but she has a knock… err! Two, actually, and nice sized… don’t ask for that measurement bullcrap. To me, being anything to look at is good enough.

Also there waiting is another woman, well, a girl. Since I am fourteen, she’s legal enough for me to do things to. I’ve seen her in school too, so maybe she already knows I’m awesome. That’s good because it saves me from wasting… uh, seven minutes of my life.

Tanya Ricket, some twelve year old cutie. Her hair is black, her eyes are brown and her boobs are small short: not the best combination of awesome, but I’ll take it. Her greeting smile means she totally wants me. Her words follow “Aren’t you that kid who stares a lot and says dumb things?”

Well… what a bitch, “Aren’t you that girl who forgot the meaning of subtlety?” my words are a bit harsh, but she’s making me look bad and sound bad! “Anyway,” I continue… why am I feeling hesitant to speak all of a sudden? “I’m here. Can I make my choice?”

Susan sighs at me, her eyes not leaving me. She looks like she’s gauging my every move as though I’ll start trouble. Looks, of course are deceiving. She’s totally checking me out because I’m sex on wheels… whatever that means.

She speaks, her voice like rich and smooth velvet, “If you behave yourself Garbinto, yes you may. However, Tanya has already taken Liqwierd.”

Yadda yadda! She goes on to say a bunch of other useless thingies about responsibility. Things I remember from LAST YEAR! In any case, Corvolden is my choice. But somehow I wonder a few things… surely this delay won’t cost me.

“So,” I say to the legal girl, “uh, why…. Well, that!” I point at the Pokéball. I can’t even form words!

“Liqwierd is awesome and cute!” she replies with a smug pout… yea that might possibly be ironic, but just go with it, “you wouldn’t understand.”

“Ya got that right!” and man do I agree with my outer voice more than ever. If this girl is high, she’d better share with me! “So do you h…” I am interrupted by the DOOR yet again.

In walks a somewhat older blank slate of sexy. This girl has yellow wavy hair going to her shoulders that really doesn’t interest me in the least. The curves for one her age are unheard of: hey all father, Arceus, Imhotep, Hugh Heffner, whoever! I take it all back! Make creatures unworthy all you want, you just better make curves even younger!

To be fair, I know her too. She’s Janie Yurtz, and she is a year older than me… like that’ll stop my fantasy. If I remember right, she was a new girl last and I hear she can cook. A girl who can already make my dinner, is it? I’m in sexist heaven! Sadly, unlike Tanya and Professor Conifer, Janie is wearing pants, and not a dress I wouldn’t dare peak up until I actually made my choice.

“Hello!” her voice is deep and sultry. I’m melting! Save me, Zeus!

“Aaaa…” my mouth hangs, and no, it’s not the only thing hung right now. “An…” I can’t even enunciate a J right now… what the crap is wrong with me?

The girl smiles… I can’t tell if it’s wicked or not, her eyes are too far out of my peripheral, but her voice keeps me stuck, “Ms. Conifer,” she begins nicely, “do you still have Corvolden?”

“Of course!” the MILF without children replies, “Ralph here is taking too long, so it’s yours!”

“Yay!” she replies… yay? YAY?! What kind of believab… wait, that means I get…

“****!” and in multiple definitions of the word. My mind is in a daze as I approach. Words that you nor I care about (though in my case I’m just not paying attention) are being spoken as I acquire the god’s chew toy specie.

This meant I would receive Anteekay and it means that Zeus is crapping thunder on me… like in that one fighting movie… uh, Twilight… or was that just thunderously crappy.

“Um… I don’t…” I can barely finish a sentence here!

“You don’t want it?” Conifer suggested, “Well you can always try again... next year!” she’s grinning... was I really so disliked for my sexy words? Honestly, I don’t get it; don’t women like to be wanted? They go for guys who abuse and attack them with attack combos even Street Fighters wouldn’t dare to use. Wait, no, I get them regardless, have I mentioned that enough times yet?

“Couldn’t I trade, babes?” I asked. I had the right to ask, no?

“No!” was Tanya’s reply, “I picked the Liqwierd, I will not budge!”

Janie seems a bit more hesitant, “Well...” she’s speaking all ellipses-like, “I don’t know...”

“I’ll throw in my first capture!” why was I sounding so fervent.

She seems to in turn, smile back, there’s something running through her head, “you do know traded creatures are less likely to listen to strangers, right?” She sounds sweet enough, enough to match her body for sure.

“With a pair like...” I feel this sudden urge to stop myself; the two older girls here are leering at me angrily. I feel my defenses dropping! “I mean, if the creature has a pair, I will personally come back and cut it off if it don’t obey!”

“Uh... I’ll pass, Ralph,” she hesitantly concludes, “sorry! I think you should respect a lady’s choice, we find it a turn-on,” she winks.

“But I...” wait, did she say ‘turn on?’ “Very well. I respect your wishes.” I figure I should bow like a gentleman right here. Maybe I’ll score some easy just like that. Instead, she just shakes her head with a giggle. Is she trying to seduce me?

“Eww,” is all the younger girl adds, somewhat uselessly.

I don’t think I’m going to get my answer because Conifer clears her throat authoritatively. “Well then. Before you all leave, I want to speak to each of you individually about things I know you might need a little help with.”

It is here where minutes pass. Both girls come and go quickly enough, but her eyes fall on me rather harshly. Somehow, I feel this might take a while. And then she asked me to sit down in that stern way you hear in movies and shows. This was indeed going to be harsh.

“Now, Ralph, I know you want to be a Pokémon trainer,” she asks, “but I wonder... why?”

“Why not? Doesn’t every kid?” is my reply. It’s a fair yet vague one, no? I mean every kid practically DOES, don’t they?

“How about the real reason?” she asks, she’s not buying it... well I’ll think of some bullcrap... uh oh, she’s getting closer, she’s not. Oh Zeus-chips, it’s... it’s... the stare!

“I wanna get girls!” I answer faster than I even realize. I shut my eyes, open them and quickly answer again, “I mean, I want adventure like my mother did!” Both are true answers... yet the thing is, which is more socially acceptable, ya dig?

“I see... well you should be aware of the law with your first reason...” the sexy adult explains, “but your second answer should probably be your default choice from now on.”

Humor, she has it in droves... you can’t tell but I’m definitely being sarcastic. She continues to speak before I can interrupt, “I remember that. It was two years ago after all. I was full out on applications so she went to... Brenetmos,” ooh, darker tone, that must be foreshadowing or something... if I cared.

Well, if you must know, it’s because Conifer and Brenetmos are rival professors. Brenetmos isn’t much of a Pokémon professor. He’s more a biologist who is licensed for giving new Pokémon out. The strange thing is that he gets his from a good distance overseas. His usual suspects come from Japan for some reason.

My mother got from him this creature called a Turtwig. She... didn’t make it. No, she’s not dead or missing, that’d be a silly cliché to bite me in the ass later! Far from it, she just got in a low position in the Pokémon League. She came in thirty-seventh place if I recall correctly. I’ll explain the league later, but I have to finish rambling first.

So, where was I? Oh yea! Mom still contacts me, dad and my six year old sister, but I think Kylie is starting to grow distant from mom... I try to keep her interested. Mom sends a good deal of winnings home for us when she does. I think she’s south of here now in some Chinese region called... Kydonastik. Yea, the Chinese are weird!

Actually, it’s not too unlikely for people to have family who’ve tried their luck in the league. Tanya’s older sister, who I don’t remember as anything other than Bombshell, got in sixth place last year... she must’ve used her superpowers to win. I would if I had those! Hmm, I think I’ve gone on a bit too long of an exposition... the professor babe is speaking.

“Brenetmos is a bad person. Three years ago he played a trick on a boy who thought his sister died! That poor kid was bitter and hateful... wasn’t too bad for a newbie though.” she’s ranting too.

She’s telling the story of one Phillip Molson... it was on the news a whole bunch, because... no, I’d rather not. Maybe one day SOMEONE will finish that tale. For now, I think this is my story, is it not? “Get on with it!”

She seemed shocked and genuinely embarrassed; it’s a pretty sight, her face all red! “If it’s just to go on adventure, you’d better be careful. I pulled a few strings to give you this chance.”

Now this is news to me, “I had to turn down this potential kid who BEGGED not to go to Brenetmos. Do you know what this does to me? I’m trying to procure him an extra Corvolden as an apology,” I think I can interject here. You know what I’m going to ask, “And no you cannot turn that in for his instead.” Apparently, she did too.

“Never mind, then. Is that all?” I’m honestly bored here.

“I’d say so…” she replies as her phone rings. If you don’t know, phones have visual camera linked to computer screens… sometimes technology feels somewhat imbalanced with its so called ‘progress.’

“Hey Professor!” says the voice. Familiar, too familiar, she’s… no way!

I pause and turn around, sure it’s been a year, just about, but it’s so familiar. Could it be? “Liza Pumpel?” I tell ya what I’D like to pump. Well, maybe, Liza is a friend and doesn’t think I’m actually creepy. Wait, no woman does, forget I said anything. Sure, she moved to this town, Lipii, two years ago, but we hit off as… friends… without benefits. Part of me DIES every time I realize this truth, but at the same time, friends are nice to have. Also, somehow I feel bad for her. She has no mother… Well okay, a divorce cemented that fact, not death, but still.

I remember Liza being lucky and going to journey last year. Lucky, sexy bitch! Her starter was a Corvolden, again, a luckier bitch is she! To top it off, she went west to the region called Noscoviet, in Russia. That I don’t understand. Why would you go to Russia? The fact is simple: in Soviet Russia Pokémon catch you!

This green haired cutie managed to not get caught by these communist Pokémon… nah, I’m just kidding. See, we in this world don’t have any beef with Russia, though on the flipside never ask for beef FROM Russia, that stuff tastes horrible!

In any case, she did really well: fifth place! And now she was coming home to journey back here in Mongolia… in Kertonmel! I’m digressing again, aren’t I?

“Ralph?” she asks, somehow recognizing my voice even though it’s been submerged to the depths by puberty. “What are you doing here?”

“I… I was just leaving…” don’t stammer, don’t stammer… “I… well, uh…” dumbass moron! I told me not to do it! This is why I can’t have nice me… that doesn’t make sense, does it?

“Oh, you got yer first Pokémon, did you?” she smiles, almost beaming proudly for me, “good for you!”

“If you don’t mind, Liza... Phone charge isn’t cheap! What is it you wish?” oh Conifer, I have two coconuts and a mega branch that belong in your bushes.

“Oh!” Liza stammers, I can’t help but laugh… why am I being a douche bag? “I want to trade out some Pokémon. You did get the Smoochum I recently caught, right?” a nod and a ‘yes’ was her response, “I, well, I want to take it out. I’m sending over my Embabison.”

Well, about those Pokémon. I’m sure I’ll run across them both in my travels. I will not only remember to point them both out, I’ll point out any evolutionary stages they may have as well. Personally, I want to catch a magic type… I hear they’re very strong.

Magic type you say? I’ll explain that. Basically, ya know how every land has legendary beasts of splendor and majestic valor? Well, here in Kertonmel, we’re dicked outta luck on benevolence! We got the crappiest legendaries ever: the Oni. These psychopaths, or so the story goes, tried to pull the moon into the planet to spread untold chaos. Chaos is their best form of sustenance.

Since all five managed to regroup, it is said that seven seals were unleashed, freeing seven types upon the world. The process was a bit unstable, but most Pokémon were changed forever. Type changes still aren’t fully recorded, and some creatures are weakened, others strengthened by finally having a type to suit them. For the most part, type changes make sense. But like everything else, I’ll explain this to myself later. I have to wonder why I’m talking to myself like this though.

“Ralph! Is that facial hair I see?” Liza notices… well, it’s not face hair. It’s mostly some dirt on my face, but maybe… chicks dig the beard!

“Why yes,” smooth operator, I am! Why talk like Yoda I does? “Do ya like it?!” and there goes Casanova, slamming the door on my face and showing instead a desperado.

Before she could emasculate me in front of a childless MILF, Liza spoke again, “Oh no! I’ve been six minutes… If I go too much longer… I have to call my dad! Cya later!”

Susanne smiled as she hung up the phone, “take care, Elizabeth!” That’s her full name, but you can probably figure that out yourself. I personally think it’s a pretty name. Then again, you can name a girl Swamp babe, and I’ll still be aroused if she wants to get down and dirty!

Wouldn’t ya know it though… just as I’m about to have mind sex with She-hulk, Ms. Conifer speaks once more. “Well then, maybe you two will fight in the league…”

That sounds contrived! “That sounds contrived!” Sometimes I can’t help but say exactly what I think… I’m sure this won’t ever bite me in the ass!

“There have been odder fates before… but I’m holding you up. Your sister will probably want to see you before you leave.” Does she REALLY need to bring her into this?

I love my sister! I’d die for her, but… NO! She’s already starting to have ‘mommy issues’ because Mom hasn’t been home except on rare breaks from her adventures: three breaks in total! If I were that young, I’d be jarred too. So jarred I wish were canned… like soup. Mmm, soup! What was I talking about again? It was either chicks or Pokémon… maybe it was both and how I was hoping to find a Torchic, that’d be a much more kickass starter!

“Oh, don’t forget this. It’s your Pokédex! You’ll probably need it.” She hands me the device and I just pocket it. I’ll explain more about what it looks like later, but for now, I want to leave! Somehow this hawtie vexes me! And yea, I’ll explain how I’m good with big words too eventually as well… not that you care about trivialities like that, ya?

I say nothing more to the not quite MILF, not quite cougar as I depart… it’d be nice to see my family again for what may be the last time in a potentially long, LONG time. Time, (‘Father’ Time if you prefer)… even if you are the same thing as space: you’re the cruelest fucker ever, aren’t ya?
 

asperger1981

good reader
Man, you probably created the most over the top, self center, horny and smartass character that I've read and/or known about, which is saying too much. yet you managed to make likable enough to earn a trip to the crazy awesome large ham club (think like Kamina in the gurren lagarn series)

Oh, and welcome back, mate.
 

Diddy

Renegade
LOL

This fic is misogyny on wheels... whatever that means. This fic salutes every single demotivational picture and joke about women and kitchens and/or sandwiches.

In other words, it's several shades of win.

You have brass balls for posting this my friend. I salute you.
 

Psychic

Really and truly
I haven't read anything by you since Fossil Fool, and your little author's notes caught my attention, so I figured I would have a looksee.

From an objective standpoint, your character is a nice breath of fresh air in his chauvinism and complete obsession in women. Your Fakemon are incredibly strange and different, with an interesting setup in how useless they appear to be. The existence of real-world countries is something new, and I like that you have an actual reason for having new types, with consequences for other Pokémon. And useless/evil legendaries also sounds very, very nice, and a fun thing to potentially play with later.

Personally, however, I can't say that I'm feeling it. As I said, I like the idea behind Ralph, and while I don't think he is meant to be adored by readers, I just don't find myself enjoying reading the narration from him. I know he isn’t meant to be an entirely serious character, but I think you may have overdone his chauvinism to the point where he just goes on about it for too long. It just feels over-the-top, especially for a kid who is supposed to be fourteen. I like that he finds himself awesome and is so damn sexist, but it just feels like it's too much already, and he doesn't feel believable as a character because of it. He also goes on a tangent at every possible moment - tangents I already find are getting old. In all honesty, I felt that I had to drag myself through the narration for anything to really happen, which, while I figure it's supposed to be parodic of other writers, once again just seems to weigh the story down and keep me from actually becoming interested and engaged. It’s too much for me to enjoy it.

I wonder, however, if you could find a good reason for at least going off on the explanations. He seems to be addressing some presence that doesn't know much about his region, but I wonder if you could pin it down and make it more specific. For instance, in We by Yevgeny Zamyatin features diary entries from the main character who lives in a future dystopia void of individuality or freedom, addressing and explaining his society, as he hopes his records will eventually reach an alien society that is free (but the reader ends up aligning themselves with the “alien” society the narrator envisions). Perhaps, for example, your character finding himself so awesome and extraordinary that he imagines plotting his life into a movie, and speaking to his imaginary to-be audience could work better for you. I would suggest both him finding some sort of solid target that he is addressing, as well as toning down his chauvinism to a more believable level. It looks like you may have some chiselling away at Ralph before you really get to the core of his character, because at the moment he doesn’t feel like much more than an archetype. I’m sure he has some more basic, if a bit more psychologically deep aspects you can explore that would account for the way he is.

Moving on, I’m not personally a fan of fake regions or fake Pokémon, though I don’t mind when they’re pulled off well. It’s hard to judge your region at this point, though I do like the real-world basis, but your Fakemon...eh? I will admit that these confused the heck out of me, simply because...well, they really don’t sound like Pokémon. I mean...I don’t know. I know you were trying to do something different, kind of silly, acknowledging the fact that they all seem like a cruel, twisted joke, but just...what? They don’t really sound a whole lot like Pokémon, and they for sure don’t seem like good starters – aren’t starters chosen on the basis that they’re easy to train for beginners? These seem like the equivalent of shoving an Abra or at best a Hoppip in a kid’s face, especially with Anteekay. I obviously don’t know how well the Pokémon themselves will turn out as characters, but I hope you won’t rely on their strange looks for appeal.


As I said, the writing is all right, with just a few too many tangents and whatnot, and the sentence structure and grammar were fine. You tended to use a lot of exclamation marks in the narration, and there are a couple recurring mistakes I found regarding dialogue punctuation. Additionally, you actually switched tense entirely halfway through the chapter, so you may want to fix that. Here’s what I spotted.

I’m headed over to meet with a sexy woman who I’m dying to meat… I mean meet… no, I wanna do bot, heh.
Simple little mistake – I think you mean “both.”


This thing would make me piss myself if I didn’t fear it merging with the liquid I make.
I think it should be “I’d make” since this is hypothetical.


“I’ll throw in my first capture!” why was I sounding so fervent.
It should be “Why was I sounding so fervent?” with a question mark, and the question should be capitalized. You do this a couple times – just keep in mind that any time whatever words come right after speech can be counted as its own full sentence, it should be capitalized. Imagine the quotation marks aren’t there, and ask yourself if the phrase makes more sense as one sentence with a comma or two.


“Uh... I’ll pass, Ralph,” she hesitantly concludes, “sorry! I think you should respect a lady’s choice, we find it a turn-on,” she winks.
This was the point where you very suddenly and very randomly switch from past to present tense. It happens to the best of us, but watch out for this, and try to decide what tense you want.

Also, you need a period after “concludes,” and “she winks” could theoretically be its own sentence, so period after “turn-on” and capitalization, or you can keep the punctuation and say “she says with a wink.”


“Brenetmos is a bad person. Three years ago he played a trick on a boy who thought his sister died! That poor kid was bitter and hateful... wasn’t too bad for a newbie though.” she’s ranting too.
Again, capitalize “she’s.”


Sure, she moved to this town, Lipii, two years ago, but we hit off as… friends… without benefits. Part of me DIES every time I realize this truth, but at the same time, friends are nice to have.
This seems like a strange thing for this character to say, at least at the end. I can’t really see Ralph admitting, even to himself, that he can accept being friends with her after gushing after her consistently. I can even imagine him refusing to admit that they’re just friends – I would really enjoy seeing him consistently in denial and trying to woo her. He seems chauvinistic enough to do so, perhaps even enough to think that it’s impossible to be “just friends” with the opposite sex.


“If you don’t mind, Liza... Phone charge isn’t cheap! What is it you wish?” oh Conifer, I have two coconuts and a mega branch that belong in your bushes.
“Phone” doesn’t really need to be capitalized, but “oh” should. Also, I two coconuts and a branch sounds kind of funny – might a trunk work better? While this is an amusing line, it’s just one of those that makes his chauvinism a little overkill for me – you just don’t need a line like this every third paragraph, it gets a little old (at least for me).


Before she could emasculate me in front of a childless MILF, Liza spoke again, “Oh no! I’ve been six minutes… If I go too much longer… I have to call my dad! Cya later!”
Aside from this seeming like a somewhat useless phone call, I don’t think you need the comma after “again.” You should also spell out “cya” because this is spoken dialogue, not a text-based chat. You could probably get away with “seeya” if you want, but you know. :p



Despite the problems, I still did laugh a couple lines. Personally, I find that unless this is meant to be a half-hearted parody, it could use some polishing, and I think it could do well as a serious attempt. I feel right now that there are a few too many bells and whistles that were added with the hopes of being shockingly different and capturing the reader’s attention, which I found detracted from my own enjoyment of the story. I think you just need to chisel away at it a bit more, because you do seem to have some gold here, it’s just crusted in a layer or two of clay.

To be perfectly honest, if the story continues in this exact way I don’t think I’m going to stick around, but I would really like to see this worked on a bit more, especially to really get to the heart of Ralph’s character, because I think he could really be worth something. Best of luck!

~Psychic
 
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