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-[Kid Rocket]- (PG-13)

S

Swinub

Guest
-[Kid Rocket]-

Chapter 1:
An alarm starts buzzing like a wild beedril. The horrid noise interrupts John’s sleep. He flies out of bed and on to the floor.
“Dammit, not again...”
He slams the alarm clock with great force, and cracks the glass. But it turned off, that’s all he cared about. He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he got out some Poke-Cereal and poured a bowl. John is not a nice kid. He’s not pure evil either, but he is naughty. He once heard of an international team of Pokemon thieves named Team Rocket. He would one day like to join that team, oh the mischief he could cause. But now he had to focus on more recent tasks. Beating his sensei.
John is 12 years old, pretty much 13. He doesn’t care much about life, as he learned a theory by a famous philosopher. He didn’t believe much in any spirits, or demons, or angels, or anything like that. He just, “existed”, as far as he can tell. He got his first pokemon at 11. A Magby he found crying in the bushes. He took it home, and gave him some berries, the best in all of Jhoto. Looks like he had been chewing on some poison bark.
He lived in a medium, middle class family in the outskirts of Violet City. He trained his Magby ever since he got it, so far he knows ember, leer, and smokescreen. He never tried out smokescreen yet, however. He was saving it for his battle today.
He ate his cereal and got his cloths on. He slung a bag of food over his back and released his Magby. They started on the way to Falkner’s gym. They passed through the sprout tower, on the way there. He shuddered at all the Monks. Falkner didn’t like John much, likewise for John. But as long as he wanted to learn, Falkner was willing to teach. Even if it is reluctant.

Enjoy, more coming soon!
 

DKzM0mA

Bring it.
The thing that I noticed when I read this was the numbers. I'd advise you to write out the whole word. ('eleven', not '11') because just using numbers looks lazy and distracts from the rest of the story.

The second formatting error is paragraphing. Just chunking a whole heap of text together looks terrible from a reader's point of view. It's a lot harder to decipher than when paragraphs are neatly double spaced.

Content wise, I'm surprised that John is so philosophical at such a young age. And with such a sombre philosophy too. It seems out of character for a mischief-loving twelve year old. From perhsonal preference, I'd suggest on lightening up with the philosophy. And if you do include it, I wouldn't try to do it through a child.

As for his Magby - it's nice to see a relatively UU pokemon given a time to shine, but 'crying in the bushes after eating poison bark'? Come on. You can do better than that. I mean, I can see how it's possible, but it just seems unlikely that such a relatively rare pokemon would be wailing in the bushes. Wouldn't something have eaten it? Where were its parents? Why, considering it's a fire type, didn't the bush catch fire? And if it was sick, why didn't he take it to the PokeCenter?

On the other hand, the relationship he has with Falkner is quite interesting. Student-teacher relationships are very important and can seriously affect the way a child develops. Has Falkner's preference for flying types affected John's battle style even though he has a Magby? What sort of things has he learnt from Falkner and are these centered on Flying types?

On the topic of Magby's smokescreen, I reckon John would have tried it out before though. I can understand that people save special things for special occasions, but not to know how your pokemon will be at performing one of its moves seems like shooting yourself in the foot. If Falkner's taught John about battling, he doesn't seem to have done a great job of it.

On the whole, you've got an interesting beginning here and I'm assuming we'll be seeing a battle next chapter? Good luck and have fun.

Piney.
;204;;324
 
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