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Kingdom Hearts: The Beginning {Rated PG}

metroid0630

< So cute! *huggles*
Kingdom Hearts: The Beginning {Rated PG}

This is the first Fan Fic I will have ever posted on a site, but not the first I have written. You guys can be honest and tell me what you think, but if your gonna tell me it's bad, tell me how to improve it. The story has to do with what happened befoe the events of Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts 2. I also have an RP in the works that goes witht he story. I have no idea for how many chapters it will be, but it will have a Prolouge and an Epilouge.


(Quick little side note: This takes place before Sora, and Riku, and Kairi are born.)
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Lets get started with the Prolouge and the first chapter.
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-Prologue-

He stood there, staring into darkness, hundreds of yellow dots staring back at him. The eyes of those black creatures. Wind was rushing all around him; the world he knew and loved was getting sucked up into a purple ball in the sky. The only light came from the streetlights that were left there.

“What do I do?” He cried. “I’m lost! I want my mommy and daddy. What’s happening? I’m scared.” The black creatures sat there, staring right at him. None of them moved, and anything he chucked at them went right through them. His short blonde hair got ruffled by the wind, as did his clothes.

“Go away, leave me alone!” He said to the creatures staring at him. His blue pajama shirt got ripped off of him, revealing the body of a five-year-old child, which is exactly what he was. All of a sudden, the creatures made their move. They all jumped onto him at once. He screamed and cried as the creatures attacked him. One by one they fell off of the child, until only a couple dozen were left. They kept trying to attack the body, only to do no damage. A white light came from his chest, and it made the world turn to daytime. All of the creatures around him vanished, turning into black wisps of mist, as pink hearts floated into the air.

The light disappeared, only for it to be nighttime again. The body of the five-year-old laid there, completely motionless. The sphere in the sky sucked it up along with the rest of the world.

-Chapter 1-

There he stood. Staring the same creatures that had taken his world right in the eye. Only this time, he knew what he was facing. It was knight out, but in this world, it was always night. Rain was falling all around him and the creature, making noises as it landed on the ground, and in puddles. The creature stared right back at him, trying to look him in the eyes. Only, it couldn’t see his eyes, since they were covered by the black hooded trench coat he wore. It was zipped from the top down, the zipper sitting at about his knees, that way he could move quickly. The sleeves went down to his wrists, leaving his hands and fingers out of the coat. The black shoes and jeans he wore were pretty much connected. It was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.

“Stupid heartless.” He said. His voice was boyish, neither deep, nor high pitched. “Your going to pay for what you did to my world, and to me.” Two blades appeared in his hands in a flash of light. In his left hand sat a bluish-white weapon. Its blades were attached to a circle, and it looked like if you hit something with it, the weapon would spin. The circle was attached to two thin rods that when down into the handle. The handle had black grip on it, and two extra grips that came out of the top and bottom. On the bottom grip was a chain with a star shaped charm on it. The second one was completely black, its grip was also black, but it was in side a complete circle. The blade this time was three points sticking out, the middle one being the longest, and thickest. Both weapons were the length of his arms, and they reached pretty far.

“C’mon you stupid Shadow, lets go.” He said. He twirled the weapons and yelled. “Feel the power of the Oathkeeper and Oblivion keyblades!” He rushed at the creature, and it jumped at him. He swung both of the keyblades, and the hit, the black creature wasn’t dead, but it was missing one of its legs, and its left antenna. It jumped at him again, and he swung the keyblades a second time, this time it disappeared in a black cloud of mist, a pink heart floating into the sky. The gray bricks that made the ground around him turned black, and more of the creatures popped up. This time, they cornered him into a wall.

“Great, not again.” He said. One of the shadows jumped at him, and he stepped aside. It went head first into a wall. There was a thud, as some water and gravel fell of the building. “Stupid heartless.” He said with a laugh, he twirled the Oblivion and Oathkeeper keyblades. He pulled his hood down, revealing green eyes, and hair short hair. His hair wasn’t a natural color in fact it was anything but natural. Instead of being just one regular color, it was partially blonde, with blue, and black streaks in it. The rain landed in his hair, and slid down onto his face. He brushed it aside with his right hand, and rushed at the heard of Heartless in front of him. He moved as quickly as possible, trying to take them all out, but there were to many for him to survive. His weapons disappeared in a flash of light, and he pulled his trench coat off, revealing two large black bat wings coming out of his shoulders.

“I swear, I will get you back for giving me these cursed wings!” He yelled at the heartless, as he took off into the air. He flew as fast as he could, but the raindrops were blurring his vision. He narrowly missed two towering buildings, and slipped through some tight gaps until he landed on a building. He put his trench coat back on, and hopped off the building to the ground. He looked around, good; no one had seen him land.

“How you doin’ Josh?” A rough voice asked him. He turned to see a gruff looking man, in his late forties, early fifties standing there. He had blonde hair held up by a blue bandana wrapped around his forehead. His shirt was white, and he had blue jeans on. He also had a toothpick sticking out from between his lips.

“Hi Cid.” Josh replied, “What do you want?”

“Just wondering if you were going to pay me some more money, and make me richer.”

“Not tonight Cid, I got to go see those three ducks. Huey, Dewy, and Louie.”

“Okay, just don’t get yourself killed out there.” Cid said.

“Yea whatever.” Josh said as he walked off into a building.

“Kid, one day, you are going to get your self killed.” Cid said, fearfully as he walked into his store.
 
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Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Sorry to say but instantly- I don't like this. This isn't a prelude to KH2 really. :/ as it's sorta proven no one but Sora can really handle a Keyblade- unless you count King Mickey, and Riku with his anti keyblade or whatever. But anyways, sad to say all you have is an OOC, and a bit of a gary stu one at that.

The first chapter was rushed and short, barely any real battling to it so I assume that's not your forte`. This could have also been longer, or part of the prologue as all it felt was a big descriptive introduction to the main character.

“Feel the power of the Oathkeeper and Oblivion keyblades!”

Also how did he come to have these :3 sorry but .. all you have is a big pile of Gary Stu, or an OC in a waaaaaay AU KH verse setting :/
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... then I don't think Cid and the FF crew and everything would be around :/ as if this happened before Sora was born, this would have to be before Ansem started his experiments. :/ so you'd have best been better off doing something original and whatnot. Meaning Original characters- save for Merlin as I bet that old wizard would still be around. And Maleficent :/ she doesn't die as she's pure evil. And evil never dies.

But I would suggest you not use Oathkeeper- as well it was proven to be something made from Kairi and Sora's friendship. Right? :x so I think that would be like a 'Sora' and 'Kairi' only keyblade :/
 

metroid0630

< So cute! *huggles*
I dunno, I think I would leave the keyblade just for the heck of it, but Cid, he would still be aound, I mean, he's like in his 30's or 40's. Also, if I am correct, Ansem had been doing his experiments for a while. But, I'll leave spoliers out of this, for those who have yet to play KH: II. But, I will fix it later... I guess.
 

metroid0630

< So cute! *huggles*
All right, time for my second chapter, it's short, but it introduces another character

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-Chapter 2-

Tifa walked slowly down the hall, knocking on the doors as she went, yelling. “Time to get up you stupid maggots. Time for your next lesson.” Her brown hair flowed down to her lower back, and groups of it fell in front of her face by her brown eyes. She had a white shirt on that was barley visible, and was covered by a black zipped up sleeveless vest. She also had black shorts on and a weird dress type object. The dress like object started at her waist, and in the front fell down to just where her pelvis stops, with her shorts going a little farther. In the back, it went down to a couple inches above her ankles. Her shoes were tennis shoes, but instead of having laces in them, they were tired onto her legs, just above her ankles. The ties were black, and they pushed the neck of the shoe, along with the tongue up against her leg.

Her arms weren’t muscular, but they weren’t skinny like most girls arms. She was really pretty strong, and if needed be, she could knock down one of the wooden doors that lead into these rooms. As she walked down the hall, kids and teenagers walked out of the rooms. They were rubbing their eyes, since they were still asleep. They wore white robes and pants. The robes were tired onto the students by belts of different colors, some blue, some yellow, others black, and a few red ones. Tifa walked into a grand ballroom, as most people would put it, but instead, it was a training room. There were blue mats laying everywhere, set into square rings. She stood there as the students filling in. Whenever she saw one of them yawning, she gave them a quick and slightly painful rap across the head. When they had all filed in, she made a loud whistle, and they all fell silent.

“Today we will be learning about how to kill the Heartless.” She said she didn’t have to yell it since her voice carried pretty far. “We are going to let some Heartless into this room, and you all will learn how to defeat them” A murmur arose from the students. “Silence!” Tifa screamed. The room fell silent again. “I will not let anyone die. We have a large store of potions, so none of you will die. Also, we will only be letting Shadows, and a couple of other Heartless in here.” Just then, a red light started flashing, and the doors started to close.

“We are all going to die!!!” Screamed a couple of the kids.

“Stupid idiots!” Tifa screamed. Heartless started making their way into the room. “They were supposed to be on guard the whole time!” she yelled. “Well, students, it looks like you get to learn the hard way. Every one, form a circle, don’t let them get behind you.” The students did as they were ordered. A heartless tried to jump at Tifa, but she took it out with a few swift punches. Heartless where swarming everywhere, every spot was covered in black. All of a sudden, a black sphere that went to blue then to pink in the center appeared in the middle of the room.

“Everyone, let the orb suck you up, you will be transported to another world, try to find each other if possible.” Tifa yelled over the roaring wind. "Great, this is the third world I’ve lost this week, and it’s only Tuesday." The power of the sphere was too much, and she got sucked in.
 

The Doctor

Absolute Beginner
Tifa sounded cruel and sadistic when I read it; too OOC for my taste. Isn't she talking to kids? I doubt the real Ms. Lockheart would talk that way.

Yami's pretty much on the target about your story; and with her, that's very easy. Once she points out weak points, they're easily visible. Your OC reeks of Gary-Stu-ness, the chapters are too scarce to be convincing and the whole universe you created makes my brain hurt.

All newbie authors must go to the "Fanfiction Rules" and "Advice For Aspiring Authors" threads; they weren't put up there for decoration. And the whole "But this is my first fanfic!" excuse died out with the dinosaurs.
 
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