Kitsune Capers (Preview)

[Nylf]

This is a preview, and an ideas thread. If you think anything needs improving, tell me now, as within the week I'm finsihing he first chapter and starting my first ever non-Pokemon fic. And a real doosy in length at that.

Back stuff:

Kitsune Capers is set in this world, but there are few alterations to the what could be called theological side. It just helps keep things all round really, and it makes my job easier if you know before hand.

Everything in existance is set on a plains system.
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'The Grand Fortress'
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'The Divided Plain': Human World/Yokai World
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'The Forsaken Fortress'
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Basically, the highest and lowest plains, 'The Grand Fortress' and 'The Forsaken Fortress' appropriatly are above our plain, 'The Divided Plain'.

'The Grand Fortress' is basically Heaven/Nirvana and the other places all thrown together. It's where you go if you fulfil your purpose, and keep your nose clean in the process.

'The Forsaken Fortress' isn't as easy to explain. If you don't fulfil your purpose, you get sent here, then sent back. Basically it's the centre of re-incarnation. This is regardless of whether your record is clean or not. If you don't fulfil your purpose, you get sent back. Simple as that.

If you do fulfil your purpose, but don't do it with 'moral integrity', or basically don't keep your record clean, you get stuck in 'The Forsaken Fortress' for eternity, and you're basically, to use the Christian word, damned.

These two plains were once like 'The Divided Plain', but they merged eons ago.

'The Divided Plain' is what some would call the physical plain. The human half is our universe, and the other half is the Yokai, or demon world. The two exist less side by side, more one over the other, so crossing between them is more like teleportation than entering a door and walking out.

And crossing between them happens rarely, portals are rare, but they happen.Though if you do cross, you're usually stuck. Which sucks, trust me. Humans are slaughtered, while demons usually enter hiding, or if they are aggresive are wiped out by the appropriate art of a country, be it witchery, wizardry, the art of onyomoji , shamanism, etc. Notice how most of them are ancient arts.

That's because once, the two plains overlapped so seriously, the worlds were practically one and the same. Portals became so large that one entire world(the Yokai world) became part of the other. This happened pre-BC, and was undone at the end of feudal times, as the world began to industrialise. Convenient really.

In this, yokai hate/fear advancement and humans. Humans because either 1: They're tasty, 2: They're weak, or 3: they represent advancement.

Because of heir dislike to advancement, their world is a more chaotic version of Feudal Japan.

Of course though, they are exceptions. But the rest will be covered

That's the background, and in all it will be covered in the story, but that's just in case you had to know beforehand. And now the preview/prologue:

Kitsune Capers

There have been a lot of heroes. And they have had a lot of titles. Son of Zeus, Agent Of God, Shaper Of Destiny.

But when the danger is at the greatest, what title would you expect the hero to have?

What if I told you his title was 'Son Of Lucifer'?

And what if I told you that Lucifer wasn't Satan, but a golden furred, nine tailed fox spirit, with power enough to rule an entire world witha benevolant paw?

You look sceptic. Well, I'm not lying.

Over 1'000 years ago, in the Yokai world, a fox with golden fur rose up, with powers beyond the imagination of any other demon. Wielding all the elements, and many other ancient arts, he gave order to a world falling into utter chaos. He received the title 'Bringer Of Light, Lord Of The Yokai'. This kitsune had links to the world of humans, and from his title, he gave himself the name Lucifer, as it represented what he was, a daemonic bringer of light and hope.

The demons though, didn't know his secret. When he was still a young fox, over 2'000 years ago, a human saved his life. He owed that human his life, and his kitsune's honour and blood meant he owed that human his life. Since that human had died of old age, his vow had been passed down through the ages. Just over 150 years ago, he fell in love with the current member of the bloodline, a human girl whose name has been lost.

She bore a hanyokai son, with both the blood of the mightiest demon and of a human. Named Kitsusanoo Shippo, he became the most hated creature in the Yokai world.

Just over 100 years ago, Lucifer passed on. For reasons no-one knows, or frankly cares about, he died. All that is known is he said to his assisstants, a Shikigami, or guardian spirit, called Subame, who took the form of a blue swallow with a red belly and the japanese symbol for wind tatooed on his forehead, and Cane, a firey red dog spirit or Inugami, with an elongated body with a black mane. His tail pitch black, and his body covered in ever burning flames, they were told by lucifer that in a week he would die, so they should prepare for the event.

A week later, it happened. Lucifer's lifeless body was found at his favourite spot, a crystal clear lake where, at the time of a full moon, it turned purest white. Some say it was where the eternal portal between the worlds was, but Lucifer had guarded it fiercly, so no-one knew.

Now Lucifer's powers, at his age, were tied to a gem he wore under the white ruff that was around his neck. Known as 'Hoshi Amutsu' or The Star Of Heaven, it was rumoured to hold the ultimate power in the demon world. It became the most sort after thing in the entire Yokai world.

Unfortuantly, Lucifer had hidden it, and only told his son where it was, so that when the time came he could claim his lineage.

But, Kitsusanoo may have been blessed with many things, but a good memory wasn't one of them. He quickly forgot the gem, and owing to another rumour, this one about the gem and his link, he had to go on the run. Cane and Subame protected him, since they were powerful demons on their own, and they had made a vow to Lucifer to protect Kitsusanoo.

Another demon helped Kitsusanoo, a raccoon dog spirit or tanuki called Agmochi. Resembling a bulky racoon in baggy black trousers, Kitsusanoo had saved his life once before, and Agmochi owed him. Owing to their similarity in powers, Kitsusanoo having only one tail, Agmochi trained him.

A life on the run changed Kitsusanoo. While most demons couldn't understand demon, the codes of their blood and the might is right formation in society made freedom little more than a kitsune's illusion.

Or in his case, a hankitsune's dream. Kitsusanoo gained a longing for freedom, where he may no longer be forced to be on the run. Where he could live by his rules. His human blood cried for it's world. He now seeks for a way to the human world. Where he can find his freedom.

But behind his dream and human blood, a differant cry goes out to Kitsusanoo. Somewhere deep within him, his father's blood and memory are trying to reach him, to tell him the fate of existance rests in his hands.

And when the fate of the world does indeed rest in the hands of demons, who can you pray to?

Any improvements needed? Or should I post the prologue and then the first chapter?

 

[Keleri]

Well, I'm bored, so: Not bad, I guess. This reads like a synopsis/teaser rather than a prologue. All the Japanese terms really don't flow very well, since you have to explain what they all are right away, and I can't help but feel like you recently developed an interest in Inu-Yasha and want to write something along those lines (half-demons with demon buddies, a powerful gem, "Shippo"...) One character being named 'Lucifer' when there's so much Japanese flying around sounds out of place.

...an entire world witha benevolent paw?

You look skeptical. Well, I'm not lying.

Space between 'with' and 'a'. Spellcheck. Seriously.

Over one thousand years ago,

Unless it's a complicated number (like 10957, say), or occasionally if you're writing out a monetary value, you should write it out in words. Additionally, it's "1,000", not "1'000".

"Kitsusanoo"? Kitsune + Susanoo, I'm guessing. It works, but to me it's an ugly, clunky name. By the way, if his mother was a human (i.e. he was born in the human world) and half-demons are despised, why is he in the demon world?

All that is known is that he said to his assisstants, a Shikigami, or guardian spirit, called Subame, who took the form of a blue swallow with a red belly and the japanese symbol for wind tatooed on his forehead, and Cane, a firey red dog spirit or Inugami, with an elongated body with a black mane. His tail was pitch black, and his body covered in ever burning flames, they (the flames, apparently?) were told by lucifer that in a week he would die, so they should prepare for the event.

Holy run-on sentence, Batman. First, spellcheck, for the love of cheese. Okay, if you're dead-set on the japanese terms, don't define them in the text. Make a glossary at the end, 'cause it really disrupts the flow. You're also falling prey to the temptation to describe everything when it really doesn't need to be; save that for when we actually meet the character. Cut all of that out, and you get a sentence that runs much more smoothly, which I couldn't resist re-structuring entirely:

His assistants, the wind shikigami Subame and Cane, inugami of the ever-burning flame, knew beforehand: their master had forseen his death, and instructed them to prepare for it.

All the stuff about their appearances, not really needed, and very difficult to fit in. "Cane" is a little out of place because generally the hard c sound is romanized as a k. Also, this may only be personal preference, but 'japanese symbol' doesn't sound quite right to me--it should be "Japanese character".

Known as 'Hoshi Amutsu' or the Star of Heaven, it was rumoured to hold the ultimate power in the demon world. It became the most sort after thing in the entire Yokai world.

Ngh. Please don't use a language in your 'fic that you don't speak unless you get someone who is fluent to put it together for you. I don't know what "Amutsu" is, perhaps you've misspelled it, but it's not in my Japanese-English dictionary. I'm fairly sure that "Star of Heaven" should be "Hoshi no Ten", but if you absolutely have to have random bits of Japanese in the story (it's a phase, you'll grow out of it--I've been there) I suggest you find someone who actually knows Japanese to check it over for you.

Another demon helped Kitsusanoo, a raccoon dog spirit or tanuki called Agmochi. Resembling a bulky racoon in baggy black trousers, Kitsusanoo had saved his life once before, and Agmochi owed him.

"Agmochi" isn't Japanese either; all consonants are followed by a vowel in Japanese (a, i, u, e, o). The only one that appears by itself is 'n'. Again, just refer to him as a tanuki, and you don't need to describe his physical appearance, save that for when he appears in the story.

...So, he is told the location of the rumoured ultimate power in the demon world and he FORGETS about it? I can understand being a little distracted because people are trying to kill you, but... um, forgets completely? He'd better be forgetting that fire is hot with that sort of memory.

So... yeah, not a bad idea, although it resonates too strongly with Inu-Yasha for me and I can't stand the random Japanese, and you seriously need to proofread and spell-check.

 

[Nylf]

Right, I'll work on it. And yeah, you kinda guessed it with the Inuyasha thing. Also the Yamata No Orochi story peaked my interest. I'll work on my japanese, and 'Lucifer' is kinda random I guess, but he was what one could term a world traveller, and he chose his own name, as for all intents and purposes, he has no real past. He was just a fox, from Japan, who, with some help, became the most powerful creature in the Yokai World. Who, until he took the name, was nameless. Maybe I will change some other names. Like leaving the Star Of Heaven as just that.

I'm trying to keep it away from Inuyasha, but it's kinda hard. Most of the seperation is done later. The main villain is the biggest differance really. I'm keeping it quiet because it would ruin it, but I can say that pure good is little better than pure evil in this.

I'll check I spelt Agmochi right, I know what I meant by it, a japanese rice snack. Which the tanuki is obsessed with.

He doesn't use Kitsusanoo generally, he always shortens it to Kit. Or in the 'gami's cases, they call him 'little Kitty'.

And the Shippo bit, yeah, well it means tail, so it remains appropriate.

The reason he's in the demon world is he his father couldn't afford to leave the demon world too long, and he couldn't constantly go back and forth between the worlds. So, he and his wife made a choice, a risky one at that. Using the portal I hinted at, they both crossed into the demon world. Lucifer, Cane and Subame protected Kit's mother and Kit, while still allowing Lucifer to rule the demon world. This meant Kit grew up in the demon world with his mother and father. His mother is about the only human to ever die of old age in the demon world.

(I'm learning Japanese on my own, that's why it's very, umm poor to put it nicely. I know none of the grammar rules for it, so my attempts come out sucking, so other than character names I'll leave it. Other than Agemochi and Subame, the other character's typical names are not as japanese.)

And on the memory, it goes on that he didn't even know it was his father's gem. His father had simply told him to hold onto it, for when he's older. And Kit knew his father had loads of old trinkets, so didn't really class it as much. He's 15 comparitively, and I know from personal experience, it doesn't matter how important something actually is, if you don't think it's important, you generally forget about it.

I'll rework some of the names, sort the Japanese and probably re-write the prologue.

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.


EDIT: Re-written prologue. It's remains similar, but I took out some parts that were too indepth, made the changes you mentioned, and fixed the japanese. Now 'Yokai' will be simply demons, I'm leaving the gem as simply 'The Star Of Heaven', and I checked, it is spelt Agemochi not Agmochi. Now the only real japanese is demon types and the full forms of character names.

This generally serves to give the reader an overview of the past events before this. Everything in the prologue often get's referenced, but some of the stuff I'm using to give dramatic irony, or whatever the term is where the reader knows something the character's don't.

Kitsune Capers

There have been a lot of heroes. And they have had a lot of titles. Son of Zeus, Agent Of God, Shaper Of Destiny.

But when the danger is at the greatest, what title would you expect the hero to have?

What if I told you his title was 'Son Of Lucifer'?

And what if I told you that Lucifer wasn't Satan, but a golden furred, nine tailed fox spirit, with power enough to rule an entire world with a benevolent paw?

You look sceptical. Well, I'm not lying.

Over one thousand years ago, in the demon world, a kitsune with golden fur rose up, with powers beyond the imagination of any other demon. He received the title 'Bringer Of Light, Lord Of The Demons'. He gave himself the name Lucifer, as it represented what he was, a daemonic bringer of light and hope.

The demons though, didn't know his secret. When he was still a young fox, over two thousand years ago, a human saved his life. He owed that human his life, and his kitsune's honour and blood meant he owed that human his life. Since that human had died of old age, his vow had been passed down through the ages. Just over one hundred years ago, he fell in love with the current member of the bloodline, a human girl whose name has been lost.

She bore a half-demon son, with both the blood of the mightiest demon and of a human. Named Kitsusanoo Shippo, he became the most hated creature in the demon world.

Just over one hundred years ago, Lucifer passed on. For reasons no-one knows, or frankly cares about, he died. All that is known is he said to his assistants, a wind shikigami called Subame and Cane, inugami of the ever burning flame they were told by Lucifer that in a week he would die, so they should prepare for the event. Trusting his word, they did so.

A week later, it happened. Lucifer's lifeless body was found at his favourite spot, a crystal clear lake where, at the time of a full moon, it turned purest white. Some say it was where the eternal portal between the worlds was, but Lucifer had guarded it fiercely, so no-one knew.

Now Lucifer's powers, at his age, were tied to a gem he wore under the white ruff that was around his neck. Known as The Star Of Heaven, it was rumoured to hold the ultimate power in the demon world. It became the most sought after thing in the entire demon world.

Unfortunately, Lucifer had hidden it, and where it was, only one demon knew.

Upon his death, Kitsusanoo became wanted throughout the demon world, some hunting him on a rumour, some extremists wishing to kill him and purge the world of his human blood, and some simply bounty hunters hired by the extremists.

A life on the run changed Kitsusanoo. While most demons couldn't understand freedom, the codes of their blood and the might is right formation in society made freedom little more than a kitsune's illusion.

Or in his case, a half kitsune's dream. Kitsusanoo gained a longing for freedom, where he may no longer be forced to be on the run. Where he could live by his rules. His human blood cried for it's world. He now seeks for a way to the human world. Where he can find his freedom.

But behind his dream and human blood, a different cry goes out to Kitsusanoo. Somewhere deep within him, his father's blood and memory are trying to reach him, to tell him the fate of existence rests in his hands.

And when the fate of the world does indeed rest in the hands of demons, who can you pray to?

Anything else I need to improve? I know it starts off very Inuyasha like, but I try my best to seperate it from Inuyasha later in the plot.