Kristen's Life

[twilighteevee]

Before we begin, I want you to...
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Read The Rules First!
​

That is all.

Chapter 1
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It was a sunny day, and young Kristen was in exploring the castle she called home. She is the youngest of her sisters, always curious. Her curiousity often got her into trouble. She once bit a Rhydon, unaware of the it's strength. She ended up getting in trouble, also lost a tooth, and was grounded. She never tried that again. Then she played outside after dark, and evil Umbreons tried to take her away. She was grounded again, and didn't learn her lesson. But it never made her stop. She found a door, and opened it. She looked around, and saw an egg. It was on a pillow, and had words sewn on it. She sounded out the words. "Special Egg," it read.

She was from a smart Eevee family, and her trainer taught her to read. So now she regreted it. She ran out to find her sisters. "I saw it! I saw it!" she cried. Her sisters looked up. "What?" one asked. "I saw the egg!" she cried.
"What egg?" she asked. "The 'Special Egg!' I saw it!" she cried more. Her sister came to her. "The Special Egg?" she asked. "I went up some stairs to explore, and found a door. So I opened it to see what was inside, and it was an egg on a pillow! It had the words 'Special Egg' on it!" she cried.

She looked up, expecting her sisters to gasp. But they didn't.
"Look, it was an egg. No 'Special Egg,' an egg." she said.
"Well then, I'll show it to you!"

Kristen ran up the stairs. Her sisters sighed, and followed her. "I'll prove it to you, it's a normal egg." her sister said. "I'll prove you wrong!" Kriisten opened the door, and there it was. The pillow, the words, and the egg.

"See? The Special Egg!" she cried. Her oldest sister, Espe the Espeon, took a step towards it.
"It... does..." she said.
Everyone looked around, and all of them ran away, not daring to glance back at the "Special Egg" that was more special then they could possibly be. When they got out of the house, they had some uninvited visitors waiting for them.
​

 

[Joe Vega #4]

Thank you! We've been blessed with an intelligent newbie!

... no, seriously. It's not every day we get a decent newbie to the forums like you.

Now, there are things you need to work on.

"I saw it! I saw it!" she cried. Her sisters looked up. "What?"

It would be better like this:

"I saw it! I saw it!" cried Kristine as she dashed like the wind. Her sisters looked up from whatever they were doing.

"What?" they asked.

Description of actions, what characters look like, and settings have to go down to the last detail. Also, When a new person speaks, you must start a new paragraph by pressing Enter twice. Otherwise, it's all one big text block. With that and a bit more effort, it could end up great.

Don't use black text. That doesn't look good on some skins.

Ta ta!

 

[Overwhelming_Latias]

Some good ideas here, and some bad ones that need a little work. I'll shorten this down a little so you know what to improve on.

Good Points
-Interesting view of an Eevee. I've seen first-person fics about Pikachus, Mews and the like, but can't quite recall one about an Eevee.
-Spelling is generally okay, with very few errors ('regreted' being the most evident at the moment... its spelt 'regretted')

Bad Points
-Punctuation and grammar is average. Then again you're ten years old, so its actually quite good for your age. You need to use paragraphs some more, to break up a huge block of text such as this.
-Description is somewhat lacking too. Again, because you're only ten, this isn't too bad. Try describing characters a little more, such as Espe:

Espe had short, glossy pink fur which glittered in the sun's light.

Thats just a bad example, but stuff like that helps make a fic more readable.

Anyhoo, good luck and I'll check back here soon to see if you've improved!

-OL

 

[twilighteevee]

Some good ideas here, and some bad ones that need a little work. I'll shorten this down a little so you know what to improve on.

Good Points
-Interesting view of an Eevee. I've seen first-person fics about Pikachus, Mews and the like, but can't quite recall one about an Eevee.
-Spelling is generally okay, with very few errors ('regreted' being the most evident at the moment... its spelt 'regretted')

Bad Points
-Punctuation and grammar is average. Then again you're ten years old, so its actually quite good for your age. You need to use paragraphs some more, to break up a huge block of text such as this.
-Description is somewhat lacking too. Again, because you're only ten, this isn't too bad. Try describing characters a little more, such as Espe:



Thats just a bad example, but stuff like that helps make a fic more readable.

Anyhoo, good luck and I'll check back here soon to see if you've improved!

-OL

I'll make a new chapter soon, but thanks for the tips!

 

[twilighteevee]

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

That day, Umbre, the oldest boy of Kristen's family, and the other boys came home from a trip. Umbre was black, so his sisters could see him anytime. But they didn't herd around him like usual, so he got suspicious. So he ran around, looking for any signs of life.

"Espe! Kristen! ...Vapa? Flarey? Jolty? Anyone?" he called.

He heard nohing. He ran around, and saw no one.

"Hey, Flames, come here!" he called. His little Flareon brother ran over.

"Why don't you heat up?" Umbre asked.
"Why?" he asked.
"It's a surprise," Umbre replied.
"Oh... I get it. Sure thing," Flames got hotter, and made the area heat up.

It made Vapor, the Vaporeon, spout water to cool Eli, the Jolteon. Soon, it became so hot, that all the girls came out and showered in the water.

"Where were you?" Umbre asked. The girls looked at each other.

"Well..." Espe bagan.

"I was walking in the castle, when I found this staircase. So I walk up, and then I find a door. So I push it open, and I see an egg on a pillow. And
I see words on it. They said 'Special Egg' and I got scared. So I ran down and get Espe, Vapor, Flarey, and Jolty to come up. And then we ran back down, and hide. Then you come." Kristen explains.

Umbre sighs. "Let me see it," he says.

So they run up, and open the door. There it is, the Egg.

"I told you so," Kristen says. Umbre stares, and then turns around. "RUN!" he shouts. They all run, and get outside.

"That was close," Umbre says. "What was?" Kristen asked. "We could have been in trouble if we stayed any longer," he replied. Then the door opened.

"Hey, Kristen, come here," called a voice. "My trainer! Maybe she's got a surprise. I can't wait to see it!" she cries. She runs over.

"There you are. You're in big trouble." her trainer, Rica, said. "Pwee?" Kristen replied in a sweet voice.

"You went into a room you aren't allowed in." she said. "Pwee?" "Now you're grounded in my room, Kristen," Rica said. Kristen froze. "Come on," Rica grabbed Kristen.

"Pwee! Pwee!" Kristen cried as she tried to squirm free. The others had no choice but to watch in fear, hoping they weren't next.
​

 

[Xiang]

Chapters should be at least a page or two long, and the only exception is a prologue. You should separate your paragraphs with a space

like

this. And when a different character speaks, you put a new line on.

"Like this," someone said.

"See the space?" asked someone else.

You need a lot more description and emotion put in. Try using metaphors and similes.

Similes and metaphors:

Her heart beat as fast as an orchestra of rain.

Rain can't be in an orchestra, but it's pounding so fast that it seems like it is. A simile is a comparison with the words "like" and "as", while a metaphor doesn't.

Emotion Example:

Tears of bitter salt plopped on the ground as quiet sobs wracked her miserable body.

Or something like that.

Now you must review one of my fics! Just kidding, but I would love it if you did. You don't know how desperate I am these days for review.

 

[twilighteevee]

Chapters should be at least a page or two long, and the only exception is a prologue. You should separate your paragraphs with a space

like

this. And when a different character speaks, you put a new line on.

"Like this," someone said.

"See the space?" asked someone else.

You need a lot more description and emotion put in. Try using metaphors and similes.

Similes and metaphors:

Her heart beat as fast as an orchestra of rain.

Rain can't be in an orchestra, but it's pounding so fast that it seems like it is. A simile is a comparison with the words "like" and "as", while a metaphor doesn't.

Emotion Example:

Tears of bitter salt plopped on the ground as quiet sobs wracked her miserable body.

Or something like that.

Now you must review one of my fics! Just kidding, but I would love it if you did. You don't know how desperate I am these days for review.

We studied Similies at the beginning of thius year.

 

[Xiang]

Then you should be quite familiar with them, or at least have some idea of what they are. ^_^

 

[HB5squared]

Poor format. Like you said at the beggining of this thread "read the rules!" And now I'm telling you, READ THE ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS! No one wants to read a big block of text, it's hard to understand and Oh my GOD please use better description I wouldn't say: John went to bed. I'd say what John looked like, his bed, how he approched the bed symbolizing his attitude and you said you studied similies at the beggining of the year well you better go straight back to that class and study "how to write a story"

*sighs* Now that I have vented: It'S TIME FOR COMPLIMENTS This is a truly original story and you are very... unique in the develpmont of your characters. Other than that, practice!!! Please make your format, grammer and punctuation much better as well as your description and please read the sticky. If you want to rant about us not reading the rules well... why don't you lead by example and read the advice for aspiring authors.

I'm sorry if I came across as rude, but please read that thread and absorb all of what it has to offer as you apparently did for similies You're a great originalist but I left that compliment back in third grade... Keep writing

 

[Demise]

Hahaha! I like it...though I'm writing my own fanfiction. Yours seem more detailed then mine.

 

[Dilasc]

This story screams of irony. Well, not the actual story itself, but what you tell us is very ironic. Yiou ask us to read the rules, but off the bat, you break them by writing in a block of text, which appears to have been written in the reply box, might I add.

When someone new speaks, you start a new paragraph. When starting a new paragraph, use the enter key twice just so it doesn't get confusing.

I'm going to suggest you read a few works to get a good idea what's good and bad, and also what's in between. Trust me, it helps big time.

 

[twilighteevee]

Fine, I'll cancel the gan fic writing for a LONG time! I'm only ten, for your info!

 

[Xiang]

Age is never an excuse. However young you may be, you must take our comments to improve. Just because you're ten doesn't mean you can slack off and shoot back at us. I'm only eleven and have learned much from criticism.

 

[twilighteevee]

Age is never an excuse. However young you may be, you must take our comments to improve. Just because you're ten doesn't mean you can slack off and shoot back at us. I'm only eleven and have learned much from criticism.

I still won't write Fan Fics, and I was having so much fun. Now my fun's ruined, and I don't want to do another chapter forever!

 

[Xiang]

About your signature, I'm sure you have a lot of potential. You just have to bring it out. I'm sorry that people snapped at you, they never should've, but criticism tells you would you could do better. It does wonders.

 

[HB5squared]

Ten my seven year old brother knows how to write paragraphs. *rolls eyes* If you're going to be like You've ruined all my fun then I think that it's best that you do stop writing. I don't mean to sound cliche but if you can;t handle the heat saty out of the kitchen. Don't sit there and cry. TRY TO FIX IT! It looks wrong now because of the reasons listed above. No one said, you suck and you should sotp writing. If you think that these people are snapping, be glad you weren't here when renegade was he would have tore you to shreds. He doesn't give any advice and just tells you how much you suck. The people above are telling you what's wrong so don't sit there and cry about it... fix it.

 

[twilighteevee]

Ten my seven year old brother knows how to write paragraphs. *rolls eyes* If you're going to be like You've ruined all my fun then I think that it's best that you do stop writing. I don't mean to sound cliche but if you can;t handle the heat saty out of the kitchen. Don't sit there and cry. TRY TO FIX IT! It looks wrong now because of the reasons listed above. No one said, you suck and you should sotp writing. If you think that these people are snapping, be glad you weren't here when renegade was he would have tore you to shreds. He doesn't give any advice and just tells you how much you suck. The people above are telling you what's wrong so don't sit there and cry about it... fix it.

Hmm... good story... Okay, I'll continue. I'm just very sensitive, that's all.

 

[Xiang]

Don't get discouraged. We mean to help, but lately we've been getting lots of n00b fics, so we're not in a good mood.