L.O.A: Protectors of Peace

[Burnt Flower]

So the Deoxys mystery is finally becoming clearer - Great!

There were only two spelling errors in this chapter (affect-effect, pokemon-Pokemon) but most of it was fine. But there were some continuity errors as well; like when Billy was still mourning over Rayquaza and then, all of a sudden, there was Victor's scene with the Deoxys. There also needs to be more transition between Tom and Susan's scene at the beginning of the story. Also, the '(Scene change) (Back at the base)' isn't needed in any way since this story isn't written in script-format; you could put in asterisks (***) to show the readers that a completely new scene is about to happen.

There were some random quotation marks here:
“Why else would Deoxys be after her? He must feel some kind of connection to Sarah.” “My theory is that if we can understand Deoxys’ composite parts, we can better understand Deoxys and his weaknesses.”

It should be:
“Why else would Deoxys be after her? He must feel some kind of connection to Sarah. My theory is that if we can understand Deoxys’ composite parts, we can better understand Deoxys and his weaknesses.”

The plot is more intriguing by the second. The suspence and mystery in this story could be felt clearly, so good job on that! I like how the story is revolving around on such an interesting Pokemon like Deoxys; it's also excellent that you're now using sci-fi elements in your story to unravel Deoxys genetic compound.

So, Sarah and Tom have more time to show off their personalities. I like them and think they're well-suited for each other (if you know what I mean)
But I think that this sentence:
Billy symbolized the courage and heroism that Tom had lacked until he joined L.O.A.

It's making Billy a bit too perfect. Watch out on making Billy a Gary-Stu; try to put more negative qualities to him since nobody is perfect.

All in all, an enjoyable chapter!

 

[billy5772]

Thank you for your review! I took note of your saying that Billy didn't need to be perfect and have cleverly worked in some flaws in chapter 7. Hopefully you'll be shocked. Thanks again for reading my fic; L.O.A. Protectors of Peace. Oh and about the scene change thing, I tried putting asterisks in but it looked too confusing with the two different changes juxtaposed within the same couple of paragraphs. I don't know. I'll try it again next time. See ya!

 

[DeciousSennenal]

Firstly, thanks for asking me to read this, I love the story. Very original, and quite hard. Reminds me of a game a friend told me about (a rom of Pokemon blue where you started with a legendary bird, only they never reached this power - trust me, training Zapdos up from level 5 took hours).

Your fic has improved massively, and I will keep reading and reviewing the story. I suppose that Burnt Flower has a point ...
;063; What, you are agreeing with Burnt flower??

Yes psyclone. I think that Billy is risking becoming too good, and therefore ruining the story. As long as that is avoided, I can see you going from strength to strength.
Decious

 

[billy5772]

Thanks for reviewing my story. I'm glad that reviewers like you and Burnt Flower have helped me improve as a writer. Chapter 7 will be posted by this coming weekend. I've already started reading your fic, Decious, but haven't finished yet. I'll post a reply by tomorrow though. I appreciate you calling out Billy's problems or lack thereof and have already considered this criticism as I have been constructing chapter 7. As for now, History homework! *sigh*

 

[billy5772]

Get ready for chapter 7 on Sunday!

 

[Burnt Flower]

Get ready for chapter 7 on Sunday!

And I shall surely be waiting!

 

[billy5772]

CHAPTER 7

It’s been awhile but here it is finally.

“We can’t take him on our own,” Tom said

“Not with that attitude,” Susan said as she released her Umbreon from its pokeball. “Umbreon, use confuse ray!” Deoxys was shrouded in a dark cloud of confusion. This was Tom’s signal.

“HO-OH, use sacred flame!” The legendary fire bird loosed a ball of fire that hit the target and exploded into flames upon contact.

“Now, Latios use dragon claw!” Susan’s dragon did as told and it looked as if L.O.A. had the upper hand. A cloud of dust had risen from the force of the attacks and Susan and Tom rose above it on their respective flying legendaries.

“HO-OH use your wings to clear the dust.” The dust was cleared and Deoxys was nowhere in sight. Half relieved and half worried, Susan and Tom landed to check on the man who had been the object of Deoxys’ most recent attack.

“Are you okay sir?” Susan asked the motionless body that lay on the floor of the room whose wall had been forcibly removed by Deoxys’ attack. The man stood up and put his gun down on a nearby table.

“So that was the shot that we heard,” said Tom remembering the noise that had drawn them to the scene in the first place.

“What is your name sir?” Susan asked him but he made no reply.

“I think I got him good,” the man said as he, now standing right outside the wall of his house, looked up at the sky as if he were searching for the space fiend. “You kids can run along now.” As he said this he walked past Tom and Susan and through the giant hole in his wall and proceeded up the stairs into his bedroom. Tom and Susan stood there, amazed at the lack of appreciation for their help and for the magnitude of the situation in general displayed by this man.

“Did he really think that his gun shot alone is what caused Deoxys to flee?” Tom said.

“I don’t know, but he seems awfully calm about the situation.” Susan and Tom proceeded into the man’s house and walked up the same stairs that he had and knocked on his bedroom door. “Sir, it may not be safe for you to remain here. We don’t know if Deoxys will come back or not. May we escort you to a safer location?” Susan did not get a reply and she and Tom both kicked in the man’s bedroom door to find him already in his bed wearing a night cap and curled up under his comforter.

“Is he serious?” Tom asked amazed and amused at the same time.

“You’re going to have to come with us,” said Susan forcefully. “You’re in danger if you stay here.

Then, Susan paused as she saw Latios trembling. “What’s wrong?” she asked with a calm in her voice that accurately denoted her ignorance to what was happening.

“Oh my goodness, Susan look out the window!” Tom stood staring into the night sky which was now lit up with what seemed to be four falling stars headed right towards them. In what seemed to be one swift motion, Susan grabbed the man out of the bed with a strength that she didn’t know she had and rushed out of the house with Latios right behind her. What had been previously perceived as falling stars now looked to be what they actually were; missiles falling from the sky.

“We have to stop them!” Tom said.

“Don’t you remember what happened last time? Only Mewtwo had enough power to contain the explosion of one missile and now there are four. We have no choice but to escape.”

Shocked that Susan would give up on the rescue and sacrifice the lives of a countless number of people so quickly, Tom was resolute to not give up. “If you don’t stay, I will.”
Tom released HO-OH, jumped on its back and flew into the sky like a flaming missile.

“I don’t have a choice now, let’s go Latios!” And so, they left they left Victor sleeping in his yard and hastened upwards. The missiles were coming down fast but thankfully they were all within a small distance from each other. Latios used his mind to stop all four missiles and suspend them in the air.

“Now what?” As Tom said this, Latios lost his hold of the missiles and cringed with pain. Now the missiles were falling back to the earth rapidly. Tom turned around to see Deoxys, his hand still giving off a black aura from the shadow balls he had just fired at Latios and Susan, having been thrown off of Latios by the force of the attack, was now falling through the air with incredible speed. Tom and HO-OH, as they began to swoop down and help Susan, were held in place by an atmosphere of evil psychic energy emanating from Deoxys. Now, as Susan fell and the rest of the team was caught in an all engulfing atmosphere of paralysis, Tom wondered if he had made the right choice in not fleeing like Susan had said. But only for a moment. He would not have been able to bear the guilt that would have come with not having done everything he could to protect innocent lives. This time, unlike the Kyogre disaster, if destruction came he could not feel that it was his fault. In his mind, it was Billy’s fault and his alone. Had he been there they would’ve had a better chance. But now destruction was inevitable and hope was rendered foolish sentiment in light of their current predicament.

“He must still have control of that space station and its artillery.” This realization was what put Tom in a state of total hopelessness and he waited there, suspended in the air, for death to come.

This chapter was a little short especially considering the amount of time it took for me to post it. I have just been sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo busy that I couldn’t finish it. But here it is. The next one will definitely be up by Friday. I’m on break!

 

[billy5772]

CHAPTER 7 1/2

The calmness of the night sky showed complete ignorance to the impending doom. Susan was falling, Tom and HO-OH were suspended, and four nuclear missiles were about to impact the earth. Then, a purple streak of lightning could be seen in the distance, but not for long, as it was approaching with an increasingly high rate of speed. The purple streak approached the coast, disrupting the water in a way that was reminiscent of the arrival of Kyogre a few years back. It came closer, water still trailing behind it from the ocean. All this took place within a couple of seconds and now the purple streak whisked passed HO-OH, then it flew past Latios, and began to spiral downwards. Just before hitting the ground, it stopped and the purple streak was revealed as being Mewtwo. Lifting one of his hands, a blinding light surrounded it. Latios disintegrated into a cloud of blue and all of his individual particles gathered into the light around Mewtwo’s hand. Then HO-OH burst apart in like manner and also gathered into the light orb surrounding Mewtwo’s hand. Then, not liking what was happening, Deoxys turned and started to fly towards Mewtwo, releasing Tom in the process. Deoxys found that he was unusually slow though and he could not seem to advance towards Mewtwo at all. Tom, Susan, and the missiles were no longer falling at a regular rate of speed either. Celebii winked and disappeared. Now the light around Mewtwo’s hand expanded and engulfed him like a glowing orb. In seconds, the light shattered and a new creature emerged.

It had the basic body structure of Mewtwo with wings on its back that were thin and delicate but burning with fire. A rainbow-like aura made of feathers surrounded Lewoh as his once white and purple body now was a luminous blue. It’s once bowed head now lifted to the sky where the missiles and Deoxys loomed. Now normal time resumed and Lewoh burst upward. He caught Susan, Tom, and the missiles with his mind and now faced Deoxys. Deoxys, again at full speed, rushed towards Lewoh with blinding speed having a shadow ball fist already prepared for its face. Lewoh slowly lowered Tom and Susan to the ground while simultaneously dodging the blow from Deoxys. Lewoh used his mind to throw all four missiles back into outer space faster than they had come. Enraged, Deoxys began to release numerous shadow balls from his hand like rapidly fired bullets. Lewoh, having been granted the power of time control by Celebii, dodged each and every one of them and then used his mind to draw them together into a giant shadow ball that was now just in front of him. He released it and hit Deoxys in the chest. Deoxys screamed with a loud shriek.

“That sounds like Sarah,” said Susan who heard the scream even from the ground.

“It sounds like a child too,” said Tom slowly coming to the realization of what was happening.

Then Billy emerged from a patch of bushes right next to Tom and Susan. Shocked, the rushed towards him partially angry that he had abandoned them but mostly happy that he was okay and that he had come to rescue them in a time when they needed it the most.

Deoxys now cringed and was barely able to move. Lewoh looked on him with a disgust that transcended any compassion that he could possibly have for this confused being that had caused so much pain. Now, as Deoxys sat there immobile and whimpering, small flames surrounded by blue and purple energy fields began to flicker off of Lewoh’s body. Now the flames completely consumed him and Lewoh released a fire ball of a great magnitude whose luminosity was unable to be compared to even the brightest star. That was the final blow and Deoxys disintegrated. He burst into a multicolored cloud whose particles split up and fell swiftly in three different directions.

“Mrs. Patterson, we’re afraid your son is…” Just then a loud cry interrupted Matthew Patterson’s doctor. Through the window had come his consciousness and his mother rushed in to find her child once again in his right mind.

No one had bothered to check but Sarah Wayatts had been lying on her living room floor unconscious ever since Deoxys had burst into her door only a few nights before. Now her essence, having been released from Deoxys, flowed back into her house through an open window. She stood up with a renewed mind.

“How did you do this Billy?” Susan asked him this after Lewoh began to descend towards them. Then Lewoh split into three beams of light; one red, one blue, and one white which all were absorbed into their respective pokeballs.

“Yes, that fusion of our pokemon was incredibly amazing. Where did you acquire such a peculiar ability for your mewtwo?” Tom asked bewildered and extremely curious while at the same time being accordingly excited over Deoxys’ demise.

“It goes like this:

Having left from that pokemon center on the night my Rayquaza died, I escaped to a forest in a land far away from here. I pondered the situation so intensely that it consumed my mind. The loss of Rayquaza, and the mystery of Deoxys and his strange link with Sarah Wyatts, all mulled over and over in my mind as I grieved heavily. The days passed slowly and I eventually deployed Mewtwo from his pokeball so that I would have some company. Mewtwo began to communicate with me telepathically. He could, of course, read my thoughts and he was somewhat disappointed with what he learned about me. ‘With my limited experience of this life, I can still understand your pain upon losing one of your dearest friends. I have also learned that any great cause has sacrifices involved in it. If in order to stop Deoxys a life had to be sacrificed then it is for a good cause and only serves to complete a task whose purpose is the good of all.’ With this I looked at him with anger in my eyes that seemed to frighten him, the most powerful pokemon. How could he say those things? As if I should just get over the loss of Rayquaza. How could I?

-“Yeah, I can’t even imagine the pain you felt,” Susan said interjecting.-

But then, I came to the realization that there was some truth in what he said. One who was so inexperienced with human emotion had given utterance to words which drove me down a path of contemplation that eventually resolved my feelings about Rayquaza’s death. Rayquaza’s sacrifice was for the purpose of a greater good and that was an honorable way to die. This justification of Rayquaza’s death was sufficient for helping me sleep that night.

I awoke the next morning, part of a burden having been lifted. But now, as I wandered in this forest separated from L.O.A., I realized the damage I was doing. Without my help, the team might not be able to defeat Deoxys and if Deoxys were to prevail, Rayquaza’s sacrifice and the aid of Celebii would’ve all been in vain. Encouraged to return by these thoughts, the trees and grass around me began to grow at a fast pace and to an unusual thickness. Then, in front of me, appeared Celebii. ‘What are you doing?’ she said with a tone of disappointment. ‘Why are you here tending to your own grief when Deoxys is still uncontrolled and capable of causing much more grief than you feel now?’ Celebii had been talking to me in my mind and even my thoughts were silent while I sought a justification for my actions. ‘Return to your friends and aid them in defeating Deoxys.’ Just as she said this rays of light began to burst through the foliage of the forest and blind me. What I saw next was nothing but amazing…

Um, that’s the end of chapter 7. This story has taken kind of a twist. For the better or for the worse? You tell me. Chapter 8 will be one of the final chapters and I will probably make another fic soon. Anyway, tell me what you think of this chapter and don’t hold back on criticism.

 

[FlamingRuby]

Let's see here...

Description: You managed to get some nailbiting scenes in here! Good work!
Characters: For a moment, I was worried if your characters were going to survive! They all share a gret bond with their Pokemon companion, and you do a great job of showing that.
Plot: Wow...I was on the edge of my seat wondering if they would defeat Deoxys! Excellent use of action!

 

[billy5772]

Thanks for the review. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. Chapter 9 might take about another few days to complete though. Stay tuned!

 

[Burnt Flower]

Nothing like a good dose of action!

There were some spelling and capitalization errors here (It’s-Its, loosed-let loose, pokemon-Pokemon, the-they, mewtwo-Mewtwo, pokeball-Pokeball) but most of it was written well. Grammar was almost as good as the spelling, but there were some missing commas. I'll show some in the following examples:
Then, a purple streak of lightning could be seen in the distance but not for long as it was approaching with an increasingly high rate of speed.

This should be:
Then, a purple streak of lightning could be seen in the distance, but not for long, as it was approaching with an increasingly high rate of speed.

Another one would be:
Now as Deoxys sat there immobile and whimpering small flames surrounded by blue and purple energy fields began to flicker off of Lewoh’s body.

It's like this:
Now, as Deoxys sat there immobile and whimpering, small flames surrounded by blue and purple energy fields began to flicker off of Lewoh’s body.

This paragraph should've been seperated because two people are speaking in it:
“Are you okay sir?” Susan asked the motionless body that lay on the floor of the room whose wall had been forcibly removed by Deoxys’ attack. The man stood up and put his gun down on a nearby table. “So that was the shot that we heard,” said Tom remembering the noise that had drawn them to the scene in the first place.

And Billy's narration of the events that happened to him could've been seperated into more paragraphs.

Description was at its best in this chapter - great job!

I was very happy to see so much action in this chapter and I was quite surprised at most of the events that happened here. The part that shocked me most was Mewtwo's fusion with the other Pokemon (for a moment there, I thought he turned evil ) Though the action was fantastic in this chapter, part of its excitement was lost when Billy began to explain the events that happened. I know that it was necessary but I think it would've been better off in the 8th chapter.

Billy seemed oddly formal in this chapter, even though he experienced some scenes that could've traumatized a normal person. One example would be:
“Oh my goodness, Susan look out the window!”

If I were in his place I would've cursed heavily or fainted on the spot.

And there are still some qualities that make him too perfect. Like this one:
With this I looked at him with anger in my eyes that seemed to frighten him, the most powerful pokemon.

His gaze frightened the most powerful Pokemon in the world? I can't imagine Mewtwo being scared of anything...

All in all, this has to be one of the best chapters that you have written.

 

[billy5772]

Thanks for your review. I didn't know how this chapter was. I think I might go back and edit out some of those mistakes. I had turkey on the brain ;018; I'll make the next chapter even better I hope. Anyway, thank you again for reading my fic!

 

[Meta Kyogre]

Great chapter, I like the fusion of the Pokemon very interesting, but tbh I'm more concerened now if anything big will happen now that Deoxys is gone *Thinks about it for a while* Oh well I'll just have to wait I like the way you described Mewtwo appearing and the length was excellant. Can't wait for your next chapter.

 

[billy5772]

Chapter 8

One of the shorter chapters but hopefully you will enjoy it anyway. Here it is.

CHAPTER 8

“I shielded my eyes from the blinding light as best I could but in the end it seemed to penetrate even through my arm and into my eyes. Jirachi slowly descended in front of me and the light dimmed. I removed my arm from in front of my eyes and gazed into the glorious aura surrounding the legendary wish maker. Jirachi did most of the subsequent talking because I was left speechless.”

“The danger that threatens the peace of this world has summoned me from my sleep,” Jirachi said with a voice much deeper than his appearance would suggest it be. It echoed in my mind as a resounding cymbal. “I have been drawn to you because you possess the will to save the world and are in danger of jeopardizing the attempts of your comrades by holding back your assistance.”

“I did not know that they were in danger,” I said.

“Yes you did!” This was a loud sound in my mind that made me cringe with discomfort due to its revealing truth and its damaging volume. “What did you think would happen if you left a team who was barely able to defend itself against Deoxys to fight without you? I have come to you, the weakest of the team, so that I may give you the courage and strength that it takes to rejoin your friends and defeat this monstrous…

“Weakest of the team!” I shouted. “Man, that’s a pretty wild accusation don’t you think?!”

“No, the fact that you didn’t have the strength to move on in the face of a crisis, the fact that you left the team when they needed you the most shows that you are the weakest link.”

Some serious contemplation followed on my part as I reflected on the danger that I put you guys in.

“There is no more time for talk, how will you help us?” I asked.

“You speak the truth, there is little time and much distance to be traveled. I will lend you my power but you must choose what to do with it.”

“Okay, here it goes. For the sake of saving my friends and restoring peace to this world, I ask of you, Jirachi, and you Celebii to lend me your power!” As I said this, time immediately came to a stop and Celebii burst into a cloud of green particles that slowly gathered around Mewtwo’s pokeball that was still wrapped around my neck. Jirachi burst into a cloud of golden particles that did the same and Mewtwo emerged from the pokeball glowing so brilliantly that I could not look directly at him. He turned, and with the voices of Celebii, Jirachi, and himself, said

“Speak your wish and it shall be done.” That is when I wished for Lewoh, the fusion of three of the strongest pokemon, to be born and the rest is history.

“Wow Billy, you really came through for us,” Susan said as she smiled slightly. “I forgive you for leaving the team because all that matters is that you’re back now.”

“Yes, not only did you come through for us, you came through for a countless number of lives that would’ve been destroyed in the wake of Deoxys’ destruction,” Tom said, elaborating on Susan’s words.

“All that is left to do now is survey the damage. Deoxys caused a lot of trouble during his short existence and part of it is my fault. We must hurry and set things straight.”

Now that the team is all together again, they set out on a journey of reconstruction. Their fist stop was Houston, Texas.

This post was really short but that’s because chapter 9 will be out soon. Stay tuned for the reconstruction series of chapters. This fic is wrapping up and I’m thinking about writing another one. Should I continue with this story or come up with something completely new? Please respond because I’ve got a few ideas on continuing the L.O.A. series.

 

[billy5772]

CHAPTER 9

The team touched down in front of NASA headquarters and slowly entered the building. As they walked down the halls they felt that ominous evil that exuded from the now perished Deoxys all around them. It was as if their fear of him had become a tangible presence that now walked down the halls with them.

“I still remember our last time here when Deoxys’ confusion shrouded this place in darkness,” said Susan, “I still am not comfortable being here.”

“There is no Deoxys,” Billy said with confidence. “We destroyed him and his evil just an hour ago. There is nothing to fear.”

“I guess,” Susan said not completely relieved from her anxiety about being in this place again.

They arrived at the division of the building in which records of space missions and scientific data were kept and opened the door to the room where the scientific data from the Deoxys space mission was held. Billy knocked on the door and it was immediately opened.

“How are you all?” asked a somewhat neurotic scientist whose obsession with his work could be seen in the bags under his eyes and the many gray hairs combed over the top of his head. He had helped them before when they sought data about Deoxys and could now tell from the looks on their faces that they had been triumphant over the hideous space monster.

“We’re fine; we just wanted to let you know that we have destroyed the space monster.” Billy said this in a way that connoted his pride in the team’s achievement. There was silence.

“Okay, that’s good work. Take five?” As the scientist began to shut the door, Billy stopped him.

“We also wanted to make sure that you all understood exactly what caused the problem so that it would not be reproduced. May we inquire as to what progress has been made in that respect?” The old man slowly reopened the door to reveal a room full of tables and lab stations with papers and test results scattered about in a seemingly un orderly fashion with test tubes and other scientific apparatus operating amidst the chaotic arrangement. Susan and Tom shuddered at the site of this, remembering that night when they had done some paperwork of their own trying to figure out who Deoxys’ next target was.

“I think this might have been the scariest part of defeating Deoxys,” Susan said as she looked at Tom and smiled. Tom smiled back and Billy missed the reference altogether but was glad to see that Tom and Susan had grown closer; it made for a stronger team.

“We’ve been working as hard as we can but have not completely solved the mystery of Deoxys’ composition. We understand that a number of DNA fragments somehow came in contact and reacted with a human astronaut on board the last space shuttle mission to form the creature we now know as Deoxys. What we don’t know is what facilitated such an amazing reaction.”

“Well, call us as soon as you figure something out.” The team headed back down the hallways through which they had come and out of the building. As Billy walked out of the front doors, a sudden quiet came over the surrounding atmosphere. The Master ball that Billy wore around his neck shook uneasily and began to glow. Everything stopped and Tom and Susan seemed to fade away. Billy looked up at the sky which was now pitched black. He looked down at his feet and all around them was rubble seemingly of the building that they had just exited. Then a strong wind blew and Billy turned to survey the rest of his immediate surroundings. Desolation greeted his eyes for miles around. Then, as if moved by some invisible force, Billy moved his head upwards to the sky again. Now he saw three dark figures in the sky who seemed to be pleased with this state of destruction and who smiled revealing three sets of mouths with crimson-red teeth that assured Billy of their evil. Then, the shadows dissipated and the building was again standing behind Billy and his two friends. The figures had disappeared from the night sky and the moon’s light kept the night from being the evil shade of darkness in Billy’s vision.

“Is something wrong Billy?” Susan asked, sensing his sudden uneasiness.

“Yes, there is something very wrong,” Billy said as he began to think about what his vision had meant. He related to them everything that he had seen and they listened with uneasiness.

“What do you think it means?” said Tom who was already contemplating the meaning of the vision. “Do you think it was a glimpse into the future? That would make sense seeing as how that Master Ball was just glowing and it is the one in which Celbii and Jirachi focused their energy to give you the power to create Lewoh. Some of their power may still be inside of that ball.”

“That definitely does make sense.” Billy took hold of his master ball and looked at it. It had changed from a dark purple to a brilliant white color that was so bright he had to turn away after a few seconds. “That’s definitely a good thing. This means that no matter what we have a bit of Celebii and Jirachi’s power with us at all times.”

“I think that the Master Ball you are wearing deserves a new title. How about…” Susan said as she struggled to think of a new title.

“Miracle Ball!” Tom interjected. “That’s perfect. We’ll call it the Miracle Ball.”

“The shiny…oh, I guess Miracle Ball is better,” Susan said as she realized that her title sounded like crap compared to Tom’s.

So, the team headed to their next destination to continue their journey of resolution to the Deoxys mystery, a new piece having been added to the puzzle; the meaning of Billy’s vision and the true power of the Miracle Ball.

So, how was chapter 9? There wasn’t much action but I am setting up some action for the next couple of chapters so stay tuned. Respond and tell me what you thought of the progression of this chapter, the characters, and the events. Criticism is always welcome.

 

[Burnt Flower]

Interesting!

There were some spelling errors in these two chapters (waked-wake, fist-first, un orderly-non-orderly, pitched-pitch, master ball-Master Ball) though there aren't too many. Grammar was also good, though there were some few mistakes. I'll show them in the following examples:

You forgot to add a question mark instead of that comma since it's a question:
“Is something wrong Billy,” Susan asked, sensing his sudden uneasiness.

This should be:
"Is something wrong Billy?” Susan asked, sensing his sudden uneasiness.

Another example:
“What do you think it means?” said Tom. He was already contemplating the meaning of the vision.

These two sentences could've been joined in the following manner:
“What do you think it means?” said Tom, while contemplating the meaning of the vision.

Other than those mistakes, there are no more grammar issues; your writing style is quite excellent.

Though these two chapters had no action, they weren't boring. Chapter seven more than made up for the lack of action. I guess there still are many problems to solve even after Deoxys died, so that was pretty realistic.

It's also good to see some more apparent flaws for Billy, since he was turning out to be too perfect:
“No, the fact that you didn’t have the strength to move on in the face of a crisis, the fact that you left the team when they needed you the most shows that you are the weakest link.”

If this paragraph doesn't scream Tom/Susan, I don't know what does.
“I think this might have been the scariest part of defeating Deoxys,” Susan said as she looked at Tom and smiled. Tom smiled back and Billy missed the reference altogether but was glad to see that Tom and Susan had grown closer; it made for a stronger team.

Will the Miracle Ball play some important part in the story, even when it's finishing? Or will it appear again in the sequel? Anyways, how many chapters until the end?

About this:

Should I continue with this story or come up with something completely new? Please respond because I’ve got a few ideas on continuing the L.O.A. series.

I think you should try to write a completely new story, but don't give up entirely on the sequel of L.O.A. In that way, you'll broaden your writing horizons.

 

[billy5772]

Thank you for the review! In answer to your questions: Not exactly sure how many more chapters there will be since I don't know where I want to cut this one off and begin the sequal. It's lookin' like 2-3 though. The Miracle Ball is definitely gonna play a major role in the sequal and not immediately in this fic. Oh, and now that I have the time, I'm gonna head on over and finish reading your latest one-shot. Thanks again for reading "L.O.A."

 

[DeciousSennenal]

Well, the last two chapters continued your good trend. I enjoyed the idea of combining the legendarys, and as said above, making Billy have major flaws adds to the realism.

 

[billy5772]

Thank you for your review. The next chapter will be up by the end of the week.

 

[billy5772]

CHAPTER 10

L.O.A.: Protectors of Peace is coming to an end but stay tuned for the upcoming L.O.A.: Wielders of the Miracle Ball. What do you think about the title? Do you think that it will attract more attention than my current title? I was also thinking that instead of doing a sequel, I could do a prequel to explain more in-depth about how Billy, Tom, and Susan met and became L.O.A. I don't know if you've noticed but I haven't explained that at all and no one knows what L.O.A. stands for either. These are questions that would fit best in a prequel. Tell me what you think. Well, on with chapter 10 of L.O.A.: Protectors of Peace!

“Is this where the house was?” Billy asked this as he, Susan, and Tom flew over that coastal city in California once more.

“Yes, it should be just up ahead,” Susan said as they neared Sarah Wyatts’ house. They touched down in the middle of the street at around the time all of the school-aged children were getting off of the bus from school. Two third-graders stood at the corner where the bus had been just a second ago and simultaneously dropped their jaws and the L.O.A. lunch boxes that they had been carrying as they saw the team descend from the air on the backs of HO-OH, and Latios.

“Maybe this wasn’t the best time for this,” Billy said now realizing the magnitude of attention that would be attracted by their arrival. When they set foot on the ground, each legendary returned to its pokeball. Billy just stood there for a moment, gazing into the distance about two blocks away. The chilly wind moved across his face causing his eyes to water, blurring his vision. His gaze, however, remained constant. It was now March, about five and a half months since Rayquaza died in that very spot, but he could not forget it yet. And as the trees rustled in the wind and the birds sung of the arrival of spring, Billy couldn’t help but hope for a rebirth of Rayquaza in light of all the rebirth taking place in the nature around him.

“Is something the matter?” Susan asked as Billy’s gaze remained fixed on the spot where he had found his best friend lying motionless on the ground not too long ago. Although he thought that he had resolved his feelings about Rayquaza’s death, revisiting the site brought to the surface emotions that had merely been suppressed and not completely resolved. But now, he resolved, was not the time for mourning. A tear slowly streamed down his face and tickled his cheeks. He wiped the tear away with his sleeve and started to walk towards Sarah’s house.

“Billy,” Susan said as she put her hand on his shoulder, “you don’t have to bear this alone. We know what happened and we can help you get over it.” Billy heard this and appreciated Susan’s remark. He had been bearing this burden on his own and the weight of it was too much to handle.

“I’m here for you too, Billy,” said Tom.

“Thank you, I appreciate your sympathy.” They began to walk towards Sarah’s house together. There attention was temporarily diverted as Susan and Billy commented on the how completely repaired the house next to Sarah’s was. It was the one that had been burned down in one of their fights with Deoxys. Tom remembered this embarrassing mistake vividly:

“HO-OH use sacred fire!” Tom’s legendary bird shot forth a ball of fire that flew parallel to the charging Umbreon. Deoxys transformed into his speed mode and moved out of the way of the attacks. The sacred flame kept going and Sarah’s neighbor’s house burst into flames.

Tom kept walking and exhorted the others to move on as well. They stood on the porch and knocked on Sarah’s door. When she came to the door, the team was relieved to see her doing well. She currently had an apron on and was apparently busy in the kitchen.

“May we come in?” Susan asked as Tom and Billy stood behind her.

“Sure, everyone else has.”

“What do you mean?” Susan asked

“While that monster thing was alive, I was lying here unconscious for weeks. I’ve been robbed multiple times! I never locked the door back after that monster burst in here."

“What did they take?” Billy asked preparing to write a check from the L.O.A. expense account.

“Well, they took my…56’ plasma screen television, my um…Ferrari is missing as well, and…”

“You’re making this up aren’t you? We didn’t see a Ferrari in the driveway last time we were here.” Sarah started to laugh nervously and realized that they were smarter than that.

“Want a cookie? I just baked them.” Sarah quickly rushed to the kitchen.

“Your place certainly looks nice seeing as how it’s been robbed so many times!” Susan said with a triumphant tone that accused Sarah of lying about the entire ordeal and therefore lifted the weight of guilt from her shoulders.

“Yes, the insurance covered my losses and paid for the damage repair.”

“Oh,” Susan said slumping back into a state of regret about leaving Sarah unattended to the night of that Deoxys battle.

“Well, we just wanted to check up on you Sarah,” Billy said as he and his comrades headed towards the door. Billy left a check for $10,000 on a couch next to the door and he exited the house. They walked down the front steps of Sarah’s porch and headed to the sidewalk where they would deploy their legendaries and be on their way.

“Well, do you want chocolate chip or peanut butter cookies? Seeing as how I baked both, it’s entirely up to you. I don’t know how these peanut butter cookies turned out though but I guess you guys wouldn’t mind being my guinea pigs.” Sarah placed the pan of cookies on top of the stove and turned around to call Billy and the others. When they did not respond, she slowly walked back to the entrance of her house and noticed that they were all gone. “Again?!” she exclaimed, her mouth full of peanut butter cookie. “Oh, what’s this?” Sarah said as she looked at the check. Cookie crumbs fell from her mouth as her jaw dropped to the floor with them. “I love L.O.A.!”

Just as Tom was preparing to release HO-OH, someone from down the street called out to them.

“You guys over there!” an angry man shouted. “What do you think you’re doing coming back to this neighborhood?! After all the trouble you caused, get out of here!” The enraged man continued shouting until Susan raised her voice in objection.

“Trouble we brought? We tried to save this neighborhood from ruin! Deoxys would’ve caused so much more damage than a burning house had we not been here to protect this neighborhood!”

“My dog was in that house!” the man shouted.

Billy couldn’t take it anymore and he reached on the side of his belt and grabbed a dull red pokeball. “Go, Rayquaza!” he said as the massive green dragon appeared sprawled out dead on the lawn right infront of the man. “Do you think that you are the only one that lost something that night?! Don’t come at us as if you are the only one who has suffered any consequences from the whole ordeal!” Susan’s eyes watered as she thought about how much it must hurt Billy to have lost his favorite pokemon and then have this man be so insensitive to the situation. “Rayquaza, return,” Billy said as Rayquaza’s body returned to the pokeball. The man hung his head and walked away. Susan looked at Billy amazed that he still carried around this dead pokemon. Sadness was written all over her face and when she reached out to comfort Billy, he kept moving forward.

“It’s alright Susan,” Billy said as he touched her arm. “We can go now.”

“It’s not alright,” said Tom. “I wish that I could bring your Rayquaza back because it’s causing you so much pain.”

“I wish that there was something I could do about it too,” said Susan. Then, the gentle spring winds started to increase in speed and force. Susan’s dark hair swayed violently in the high-speed winds. Then, the Latios pokeball on her belt began to glow a deep green and an innumerable number of bright green rays shot out from the pokeball seemingly permeating the air. The winds now became focused in a spot in front of them and the Latios pokeball was sucked into the center of the cyclone of air. Green rays of light still shooting out from it, the pokeball began to suck the life out of surrounding foliage that had bloomed just in time for spring. Trees began to wither and flowers began to fall over dead and the grass on the surrounding lawns began to turn brown and die as their essence was seemingly sucked into the pokeball in the center of the cyclone by the green rays of light. Then it stopped and the pokeball fell to the ground, no longer a bright red and whit ball but a glowing green ball.

“I don’t know what just happened,” said Susan.

“I think I do,” said Billy. “Go! Rayquaza!” Billy’s Rayquaza appeared once again just as lifeless as ever.

“Oh, I get it,” said Susan. She grabbed the shining green pokeball and aimed it at Rayquaza. “Power of Celebii and Jirachi, grant me the life force that is necessary to revive this mighty dragon!” Glowing beams of life shot out from the ball and hit Rayquaza with a force that caused his eyes to open and his limbs to be reanimated. Rayquaza let out a thunderous roar as the glowing beams still scurried all around his body healing him. Then the beams dispersed and Rayquaza lifted himself off of the ground and shook his head as if he were shaking off the stench of death. Billy literally burst into tears of joy as he ran to his dragon and embraced it as much as he could. Tom was relieved too because he had also been bearing the guilt of causing Rayquaza’s death.

“Susan’s pokeball must’ve been transformed into a Miracle Ball as well when her Latios, having been fused with a direct result of Celebii and Jirachi’s power, returned to it. Let’s call hers Miracle Ball: Life.”

Okay, that was the end of chapter 10. This has possibly been the longest chapter I’ve written and I hope it wasn’t too boring. I tried to throw in some light-hearted scenes in lieu of action sequences. Hopefully you enjoyed this one and will enjoy chapter 11 which will come out some time during the weekend or on Monday.