leafsfan's adventures in the Pokemon world

[leafsfan19]

Chapter 1-First Pokemon
I was sitting in front of my TV in my hometown of Toronto, Canada one evening, watching a pretty good movie, when all of a sudden, a white light shone in from the ceiling.

"That's weird." I said to myself. I was then sucked into the light. When I landed, I landed with a pretty hard thud inside a big lab building.

"Where am I?" I asked myself.

"You are in the lab of the famous Pokemon research professor, Samuel Oak." said a man in a lab coat, red shirt, and tan pants.

"You're the famous Professor Oak?" I asked.

"Correct." said Professor Oak. "That light that transported you here was an Abra's Teleport attack."

"Well, now I know how I got here." I said.

"Anyway, since you're here, you get to choose between three Pokemon." said Oak.

"What are my choices?" I asked him.

"You can choose from Bulbasaur, a grass type, Charmander, a flame type, or Squirtle, a water type. There's no right or wrong choice, so choose your Pokemon now." said Oak.

"Okay." I said. I picked up a Poke Ball at random and threw it into the air. An orange lizard with a flame on its' tail stood in front of me.

"Charmander." said the Pokemon.

"I see you've picked Charmander. It'll come in handy later on." said Oak.

"Charmander, return." I said, and the Pokemon disappeared back into the ball in a blaze of red light.

"I know you'll take good care of Charmander." said Oak. He then handed me six empty Poke Balls, and a Pokedex.

"The Poke Balls I'm giving you are so you can capture any Pokemon you see in the wild." said Oak. "And the Pokedex contains all the information you need to know about the Pokemon you'll meet. It's also your indentification and can't be replaced, so don't lose it."

"I won't." I said.

"By the way, I didn't get your name." said Oak.

"It's Mark." I told him.

"Well, Mark, good luck with your Pokemon journey." said Oak.

"Thanks, Professor." I said. I then left the lab and began on my Pokemon adventure.

End of Chapter 1

What do you think so far?

 

[Sybot]

There was barely any description and it was very short. Chapters should be at least three pages in MS Word. Also the plot seems very generic; its one of those 'kid falls into the Pokemon world and goes on a journey' stories, which are very cliche.

It could have been worse, but this was still not very good. You should read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread at the top of this forum.

 

[DarkPersian479]

Why would Oak choose to teleport random people to his lab when he doesn't even know their name? Seems like he would at least know the names of the people he transports to his lab. Just doesn't sound realistic to me.

Also, more description of the characters and Pokemon would be helpful, even though it's only you, Oak, and Charmander. You say nothing about yourself. Are you 10 years old? Or is your character 75? What color hair? Athletic or not? Nice guy or evil villain? I know nothing about your character. Please elaborate.

 

[leafsfan19]

Even though my real age is 19, my character is this fic is 10 to make it look more realistic. However, he has brown hair, same colour as my real hair, he's athletic, like the real me, and he's a nice guy, just like the real me.

 

[DarkPersian479]

Okay you could go like so,

After a day of plaing [your sport], I arrived back home. After greeting my parents and combing my deep brown hair, I sat down for a night of TV movies on the soft leather couch in our living room...

And go from there.

 

[nashie1]

and is super fantiscal with magik powers liek me.(self inserted Mary sue)

What's unrealistic about a 19 year old trainer. It's more realistic than the idea of letting 10 year olds venture into a world of vicious creatures and evil gangs all by themselves.

It's too short and could do with some proper formatting. Plus i think you'd have a different reaction to a light coming from the ceiling "That's wierd." Doesn't cut it. also you need to stop telling people and start showing people whats going on. Basically describe how you got sucked into the light without outright saying that you were sucked into the light. It will improve the story so much.

My final point is that this is so cliched. Try an original plot or atleast something that doesn't involve the basic plot from the games.

 

[Orange_Flaaffy]

*lol* Um, as far as I know I think there are more requirements to becoming a pokemon trainer than being ten and just falling out of the sky/light I think there is a test of some sort etc...

 

[leafsfan19]

Chapter 2-Hitting The Road

Last time, our hero, Mark, chose Charmander as his beginning Pokemon. He is ready to take on the challenges that await him in the world of Pokemon.

I had left Pallet Town and was on my way to Viridian City. I had heard from one of the townspeople in Pallet that Viridian had a gym, but the leader wasn’t in town. I hadn’t planed on going to the gym anyway. On my way to Viridian, however, a young man gave me a spray bottle called a Potion in case I needed to heal my Pokemon during battle.

“This is probably a good time for the Pokedex to tell me how to train my Pokemon.” I said to myself. I took out the device and flipped it open.

“While being trained, a Pokemon usually stays inside its’ Poke Ball. However, there are some exceptions. An example being Pikachu.” replied the Pokedex, named Dexter.

“So that’s how I do it.” I said to myself. At that moment, a wild bird Pokemon flew above me.

“What is that?” I asked myself. I took out Dexter for information on it.

“Pidgey is a bird Pokemon. It uses flying attacks such as Aerial Ace. However, it can also blind the enemy with Sand Attack.” replied Dexter.

“That can’t be good.” I said. I took out an empty Poke Ball and fired it at Pidgey, but it sent the ball right back at me with its’ wing.

“I wonder why that didn’t work.” I said. I took out Dexter again.

“To capture a Pokemon, you have your own Pokemon battle the wild one and weaken it before attempting capture.” came the simple response from Dexter.

“Now he tells me.” I said. I took out Charmander’s Poke Ball and fired it into the air.

“Charmander, go!” I cried out. Charmander appeared in a blaze of light.

“Charmander, attack the Pidgey with Scratch!” I commanded. Charmander obeyed and went straight at the tiny bird, scratching the wings with its’ fingernails. Pidgey fought right back by flapping it’s wings and sending Charmander flying.

“That must be one of Pidgey’s attacks.” I checked the Pokedex to be sure.

“Gust is Pidgey’s most powerful attack. It can blow the enemy away by flapping its’ wings.” said Dexter.

“Charmander, hang in there!” I yelled. Charmander got right back on his feet.

“Now, use your Ember attack.” I ordered. Charmander shot out streaks of flames right toward Pidgey. It hit the bird Pokemon dead on, causing it to collapse. I then got out the same empty Poke Ball I had tried before.

“Poke Ball, go!” I yelled. The ball hit Pidgey, and it disappeared in a blaze of red light. The ball shook three times before making a dinging sound to indicate that it was captured.

“Yes! I got Pidgey!” I yelled out excitedly. I then picked up Pidgey’s ball and continued on. After lots of walking, I finally reached the entrance to Viridian City.

“I’m here.” I said to myself. On the entrance pole, however, I noticed a picture of two people. One of them had long red hair, and the other had short blue hair. It turned out to be a wanted poster.

“I don’t know who those people are, but I hope I never see them.” I said to myself. I then headed to the Pokemon Center to get Pidgey and Charmander healed up.

End of Chapter 2

Sorry this one is kind of shorter than I'd want it to be, but I have to go to bed. And you people who are reviewing this fic, you could be a little nicer in them, as this is my first fanfic for serebii.net. And I'll try to make my chapters longer from this point on.

 

[Yami Ryu]

I reported you but it seems it didn't work-

Your chapters are crap. Got that? You did NOT take any advice given to you, you did not try to put more effort into the second chapter;

Sorry this one is kind of shorter than I'd want it to be, but I have to go to bed.

So you admit to writing this in the reply box and NOT A WORD PROGRAM.

And you people who are reviewing this fic, you could be a little nicer in them, as this is my first fanfic for serebii.net.

One of the weakest, lamest, most abused and dove poor excuses EVER USED

Your description is poor, your emotional depth for characters is poor. This is not helped in any way of you using a self insert and first person. What do the attacks look like? What do the pokemon look like? The area you're traveling in, the blood, sweat and tears of injured/battling pokemon. The main human characters description. Originalty, plot depth, etc and so forth.

You just fall flat on your face in the unoriginality and noob fic department when you don't try to improve those areas.

Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors.

 

[nashie1]

Just because its your first fic doesn't mean we should be any nicer about your work. Would you rather we kiss your *** and say its briliant allowing you to remain the crappy writer you are under an increased delusional state.

You didn't take our advice and as a result your fic is getting even worse. You have little to no description, you haven't explained to us how the character knows about the pokedex as it wasn't mentioned in the first chapter.

Some tips on description: use it. it will bulk out your fic and possibly make it slightly more bearable. Imagine we've never seen these pokemon before; what do they look like?

My last few points: Charmanders have claws not fingernails. Your character shows no suprise at being sucked into an unknown dimension and my final point is that its still to short. Type it in a word processor so you can save it. It might also help with spelling too.

Check out the advice for aspiring authors and follow our advice before you post the next vomit-inducing installment.

 

[DarkPersian479]

Sorry this one is kind of shorter than I'd want it to be, but I have to go to bed

Do you really need to post this before you go to bed? Why not wait till the next day and flesh it out? Don't rush things just to get them out rapid-fire style.

a Pokemon usually stays inside its’ Poke Ball. However, there are some exceptions. An example being Pikachu

NO! Ash's and Ritchie's Pikachus were exceptions. As TR said, "That Pikachu is special." The way you write it, it's as if ALL Pikachus refuse to stay in Pokeballs. What exactly makes the Pikachu species as a whole so special. Sure, Ash may have an unusually powerful one, but Pikachus as a whole are not that impressive.

This is horribly unoriginal. You have Jessie and James. You even have the guy that gives out potions on route 1! I'm still waiting for you to receive Oak's Parcel and return it to him, as well as a rival named Gary who says "Smell Ya Later"! *This is sarcasm, please DO NOT include these elements*

Please put some more thought into this in the future, and TAKE YOUR TIME.

 

[justice_pie]

i don't come to the fan fic section very much,as i only help out in 1 fan fic (well,its an encyclopedia type thing.) but i wanted to point out that,your character seemed to attack the pidgey,for no reason other than training, and the pidgey dosen't seem to have done anything to him,other than fly over him. that seems terribley unrealistic, would a real person who needs to train up a real charmander just say:"right!i'm gonna to make my charmander attack a pidgey!"
surely he would think twice about hurting a wild pokemon that hasn't done anything to him, it would have been a lot better if the pidgey had attacked him,then there would be a better reason.
and also, the pokedex said, "when a pokemon is being trained it stays inside its pokeball"......not really imo, if a pokemon is being trained it is fighting to gain experiance in combat so that it can become stronger ,and even evolve.

 

[mrmimeykai]

Even though my real age is 19, my character is this fic is 10 to make it look more realistic. However, he has brown hair, same colour as my real hair, he's athletic, like the real me, and he's a nice guy, just like the real me.

i suggest you write like a 19 year old and not a ten year old , I stopped reading at the first sentence

"...Pretty good movie..."WTF!!!?

 

[justice_pie]

i suggest you write like a 19 year old and not a ten year old , I stopped reading at the first sentence

"...Pretty good movie..."WTF!!!?

i'm kinda shocked it was written by a 19 old, i actually thought it had been written by a7-10 year old.

 

[nashie1]

Age is no measure of skill. Whilst an adult may understand it better, getting a 30 year old and a 10 year old to read throught the advice for aspiring authors they should both be able to create adequate fics.

I read through chapter 2 again and noticed that during my rant i missed out a part of the chapter. Ashes Pikachu was an exception, not all Pikachu will stay out of their pokeballs. Also 'fought right back' should just be 'fought back'

You're so lazy in your description you haven't even described Jessie and James. Surely that should be easy seeing as it requires little to no imagination. You didn't even tell us what gender they were. My final point is that this unoriginal cliched plot has taken a turn for the worse. Don't take the plot from the anime.

Please take our advice this time and please don't take my harshness to personally, that's just the way i am...

 

[leafsfan19]

nashie, while in the actual anime, Ash met Misty on his way to Viridian, my version is slightly different. And I plan on introducing Team Rocket in the next chapter. Oh, and I will also try to add descriptions of new characters in future chapters.

 

[leafsfan19]

Chapter 3-Enter Team Rocket
In our last episode, Mark left for Viridian City. On the way there, he encountered a Pidgey. However, he had Charmander burn it with an Ember attack in order to capture the bird Pokemon. Mark has now entered Viridian City to heal his Pokemon for the challenges that lay ahead.

Upon entering the Pokemon Center, I looked at a poster promoting the Indigo League, a tournament for top Pokemon trainers.

“According to this, I need eight badges to enter the tournament.” I said. “But I don’t have any badges yet.” Well, I was going to get some. I then approached the nurse at the desk to heal my Pokemon.

“Welcome to the Viridian City Pokemon Center.” said the charming, gentle nurse. “How may I help you today?”

“You can heal my Charmander and Pidgey.” I told her. “By the way, what’s your name?” I asked.

“My name’s Joy.” answered the nurse. “And beside me is my Pokemon assistant, Chansey.”

“That’s a nice name.” I said.

“Thank you.” she said. “I’ll just take your Pokemon so I can get them checked.” I gave her my two Poke Balls containing Charmander and Pidgey and headed for the waiting room. As I sat in the waiting room, I thought about how great it would be to become a Pokemon League champion. It had always been my childhood dream. All I had to do was defeat eight gym leaders, plus a few more top trainers, and that dream would come true.

Three hours later, Nurse Joy returned with my Pokemon.

“There you go. Your Pokemon are healthy and ready to fight.” said Nurse Joy.

“Thank you very much.” I told her. Suddenly, all the lights went out in the building. This only lasted for a minute before the lights came back on. Standing beside me and Nurse Joy were the two people I had seen on the sign.

“Prepare for trouble!” shouted the red haired person, who was female with a white sweatshirt with a big red R across the front. She also wore a white skirt and tall black boots.

“Make it double!” yelled her partner, who had short blue hair, long white pants, black boots, and a white sweatshirt with a big red R across the front.

“What the hey? Who are you?!” I demanded.

“Allow us to introduce ourselves.” said the blue haired person.

“To protect the world from devastation.”

“To unite all peoples within our nation.”

“To denounce the evils of truth and love.”

“To extend our reach to the stars above.”

“Jessie.”

“James.”

“Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light.”

“Surrender now, or prepare to fight.”

“Meowth, that’s right!” exclaimed their cat Pokemon.

“You’re the guys on the poster!” I exclaimed.

“Good guess, twerp. Now hand over your Pokemon before I just take them from you.” ordered Jessie.

“Not in a million years!” I yelled.

“Well, we’ll just have to battle you for them then.” replied a very confident James.

“Fine by me.” I said. I then released a Pokemon.

“Pidgey, go!” I yelled, and Pidgey appeared from the ball in a flash of light.

“Ha! That little bird doesn’t stand a chance against us.” said Jessie. “Arbok, go!”

“Weezing, go!” yelled James. The two Pokemon both appeared on the opposite side of me.

“Hey! Two against one is against the rules!” I protested.

“We’re bad guys. We never play by the rules.” explained Meowth.

“Well I do.” I said. “Pidgey, Gust attack!” I commanded.

“Weezing, Sludge attack!” countered James. Pidgey started to flap its wings at the exact moment Weezing released a puddle of sludge. Weezing’s attack hit first, and the sludge hit Pidgey right in the face.

“Pidgey!” I yelled.

“Told you that little bird was weak.” said James. I had little choice but to return Pidgey to its ball.

“I’ve got something that’ll burn you guys up.” I said, brimming with confidence. “Charmander, I choose you!” I threw Charmander’s ball into the air and the lizard appeared.

“You think that lizard’s going to stop me?” scoffed Jessie. “Arbok, attack with Poison Sting!”

“Charmander, deflect the needles with your Flamethrower!” I ordered. Charmander sent a straight line of fire right into the needles that Arbok was firing, causing the needles to burn.

“That’s the way. Charmander, Ember attack!” I commanded. Charmander fired out flame streaks that hit Arbok directly, causing it to burn. Arbok yelped out loud.

“What? No way!” cried Jessie.

“Had enough?” I asked. All of a sudden, a Growlithe was standing in the doorway behind Jessie and James. Beside the Growlithe stood Officer Jenny.

“Stop in the name of the law!” yelled Officer Jenny. “You’re both under arrest.”

“Oh no, the cops!” yelled Meowth.

“Let’s get out of here!” yelled Jessie. Jessie quickly returned Arbok to his Poke Ball and ran out of the centre with James and Meowth.

“You win this time, twerp, but we’ll be back!” yelled James.

“I’ll be waiting for you.” I yelled back. At that moment, Officer Jenny, who had returned Growlithe to his Poke Ball, approached me.

“Well, I didn’t get to arrest anybody, but you, young man, did stop Team Rocket from stealing your Pokemon. I want you to have this as a gift.” said Officer Jenny. I took the Poke Ball that was in her hand and opened it. It was the same Growlithe that was standing in the doorway.

“This is cool. Thanks.” I said.

“Don’t mention it.” said Officer Jenny. She then left the centre.

“Growlithe, welcome to the team.” I said. I then returned the fire Pokemon to his ball.

“Nurse Joy, where can I get a gym badge?” I asked.

“Well, there’s a gym in Pewter City. You can go there. But, you’ll have to go through the Viridian Forest.” answered Nurse Joy.

“Pewter City is where I’m headed, then.” I said. I then left the centre and headed for the gym in Pewter City.

End of Chapter 3

 

[Yami Ryu]

THE BASICS

-----------------------------------------------------------------

As I have read the various works posted on this board, I have noticed many of the same problems over and over. Here are some general guidelines to follow when writing your fics:

1) Proper Use of the Keyboard.
There are several useful keys on the keyboard:

Enter/Return: This is one of the most useful keys. Use it whenever you have finished with one idea and are ready to move on to the next paragraph. Use it when one person has finished speaking, and another is about to start. When doing so, hit it twice, to produce a blank line between paragraphs. This makes it a lot easier for your readers to tell where your paragraphs start and end. Large blocks of uninterrupted text are hard to read.

Shift: Another important key. Hold it down when typing the first letter of a sentence, the first letter of a name, or the letter 'I' when using it as the first person singular subject pronoun.

Caps Lock: Often used as a substitute for the 'Shift' key. Don't do it. Text should not be in all capital letters unless someone is SHOUTING!

The Spacebar: Hit it once after every word or comma, twice after a period.

Tab: Unfortunately, this does not work to indent paragraphs on these boards. This is why a blank line between paragraphs is essential.

Other Keys: Your keyboard, unless it is defective, comes with a full complement of letters. Don't be afraid to use them. There is no reason to type 'u' instead of 'you', or indeed to use any abbreviation you learned in a chat room. There is no penalty for taking a few seconds longer to type complete words.

--------------------------------

2) Tips on Composition.

Paragraphs: Use these as your basic unit of composition. Each paragraph should be used to set forth a single idea. If a paragraph seems to long, it probably contains multiple ideas, and should be split up for clarity. If it seems too short, expand on the idea.

Sentences: A sentence should contain exactly one action or statement of existence. If it contains more than one, split it into two or more. If it contains less than one, finish the sentence. Run-on sentences are often confusing, while fragments make the reader feel that something is missing.

Description: Make sure that your reader can visualize what is happening. Don't just say something like "Joe walked along enjoying the scenery". This gives no indication of whether the scenery he is enjoying is a redwood forest, a beach at sunset, or the Grand Canyon.

A description is not just a list of attributes. When describing a character, don't just list their name, age, height, weight, hair colour, and current pokemon team. Bring this information out gradually when the person appears in a story.

Don't have Joe meet a trainer named Fred who is 12 years old, has green eyes and red hair, is three and a half feet tall, and whose pokemon are squirtle, pikachu, butterfree, grimer, tauros, and krabby. Have Joe see a short, red-haired kid with startlingly green eyes, and talk to him. Have names mentioned early in the conversation. The pokemon may be either revealed in a battle, or introduced individually during the conversation.

-------------------------------

3) Other General Advice

Plot: Try to be original. "Joe is 10 (or 11 or 12) years old and about to start his pokemon journey. He goes to Professor (insert tree here) and gets a (insert pokemon here)" has been done too many times already. "Joe is a 10-year-old from Pallet Town and about to start his pokemon journey. He accidentally sleeps in, and by the time he gets to Professor Oak's lab, all the starters have been taken, so he gets a Pikachu" is so old everyone is sick of it.

Try to be reasonable. A new trainer is not going to start with a legendary, or even rare, pokemon. The standard starter pokemon were selected for a reason: They are easy for professors to obtain whenever new trainers are about to start, they can be controlled by beginners, and with proper training, they can become quite powerful.

Likewise, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to catch any of the legendary pokemon. They are simply too powerful. If you have seen either of the movies, think about it. Mew or Mewtwo can deflect any attack you try with minimal effort.

Consider the scene in The Power of One where Ash's Pikachu (which has been known to defeat rock and ground types) meets Zapdos. Compare their relative power levels. Now think about how hard it would be to defeat Zapdos. This can be applied to any of the legendary pokemon. No trainer will have one unless it has a good reason to want to accompany that trainer.

Characters: Make your characters real. Give them strengths and weaknesses. Inherently superior trainers who win each battle effortlessly are boring. So are incompetent members of Team Rocket. So is the gym-leader-who-can't-stand-being-defeated. The stock "Rival" character is also getting old.

Whatever you do, don't just refer to people by labels from the GameBoy games (Rocket, Cooltrainer, Lass, Bug Catcher, etc). Remember that these are real people you are working with.

Spelling/Grammar: Write your story in a word-processing program. Use the spellchecker, but don't depend on it completely. It can tell whether your word matches the spelling of a real word, but it cannot tell whether it is the word you wanted to use.

Use grammar checkers with extreme care. They cannot actually understand what you are saying, and often make mistakes.

--------------------------------

4) My Personal Advice:

Note that the contents of this section reflect my personal preferences. Other good writers may disagree with me.

Battles: I generally dislike sentences of the form "(pokemon species) used (name of attack)". You are describing what the pokemon does. In a real-world battle, the pokemon would not "use Bite on" its opponent; it would "bite" its opponent. There are, however, exceptions to this. If there is no verb for the action, go ahead and say "Bulbasaur used Leech Seed". Still, try to avoid "used (name of attack)". Better options would be "fired a hyperbeam at (enemy)", "hit (enemy) with (attack)", etc.

Additionally; the GameBoy battle format makes no sense in the context of a real battle. A pokemon in a real battle would not just attack, then stand there waiting for its opponent to attack. In a real battle, you would have no time to go in and administer a potion or antidote to your pokemon. Watch the TV show for a reasonable depiction of what battles would be like.

GameBoy Terminology in general: Try to avoid it. In the real world, referring to something as "Level 17" is meaningless. Pokemon have varying levels of power and experience, but don't just summarize all of this with a single number. In the world of your fanfic, pokemon are real, living creatures. They are individuals. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, and skills.

The only thing worse than referring to "levels" is referring to "hit points", "power points", or any of the "statistics" (attack, defence, "special defence", etc). Avoid use of these terms at all costs.

-Original text by Murgatroyd

.... you aren't trying at all. You're continuing to spew out crap chapters, with no effort being put into them. You still aren't describing. You still are rushing...

You ignore advice..

:/ just gonna report you now

 

[Feity]

Rocket Dan motto ftl... D:

 

[nashie1]

You still haven't taken our advice.

Surely trainers should be expected to protect their pokemon. Why should they need a gift?
Plot is stolen from the anime.
Your character seems to be unphased by the fact that TR has a talking Meowth. Judging from the fact that he was unaware of badges, i'm guessing that in real life your character hasn't played the game or watched the anime.

I don't know why I bother to review this because chances are your not reading or considering this advice.