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lee jordan and the monkey talisman

K

KaMaKaZi

Well-Known Member
This is my first story ive wrote so please leave a message at the end of chapter 1 with some good and bad points.

chapter 1

Lee Jordan was an average 14 year old boy of average height, he had brown hair with bright blue eyes. He went to a normal school just like any other normal boy. In all he considered himself, normal.



It was a Thursday morning and the sun was shining. Lee woke up with a smile on his face, he had a good feeling inside him, it was gonna be a good day.
''Lee breakfast is ready! shouted Lee's mum. Lee's mum had blonde hair and was single, Lee's dad had died when he was younger but he got over it.
''Im coming! Lee replied. He ran down the stairs and into the kitchen.he was having pancakes with syrup this morning, his favourite. He sat down and started eating immediatly, when he had finished he went back upstairs to get ready for school.


Lee met up outside his house with his friend Michael, they had known each other since primary school and were good friends. They arrived at school on time and when straight to there form for registration, when they had been marked in they went off to there first lesson, and so the day began.


Lee arrived home at the usual time of 3:20, he was tired after his long day of school and he was hungry, he grabbed a quick snack and then made his way upstairs to his room. the phone rang and Lee answered it.

''hey lee its mike''

''hi'' lee replied

''i was wondering if you wanted to come to the cabins with me in a bit?

''erm im not sure isnt that where that person got robbed and beat up?

''nar you've just been hearing things, come on itll be fun!

''i dont think so im really tired i think i might just chill out at home''

''suite yourself, how about tomorow after school?

Lee was getting impatient so he decided to break.

''sure, why not''

Lee put the phone down, fell on his bed and wondered what would happen at the cabins tomorrow, Lee had a bad feeling about it...
 
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Zero Nexus

Zero Nexus

Stand up, go for it
not bad,but it needs 2 b longer ,otherwise,ok

p.s with the email u sent me from *jay jay* [yes,i know its u],i thougt it was from someone u sent my details to,and u absolutely scared the hell outa me

U WILL PAY!!!!
 
J

Jonouchi

Chibi-cario
zezrex, don't double post.


Ok, this story is lacking one major thing, two actually. DESCRIPTION AND PUNCTUATION!!

Description-there's barely any description at all. Including the kid, Michael. What does he look like? How does he act? Tell us in the story! Also the setting needs description too for some occasions

Punctuation-Run off sentences in some places! Like this

''erm im not sure isnt that where that person got robbed and beat up?
Click to expand...

It should have been..

"Err..I'm not sure." Lee responded nervously. "Isn't that the place where that person got robbed and beaten?"

That's how you write a sentence. Not exactly good desription, but it should be something like that.

Also it's too short, it need to be at least a page on Microsoft Word. Speaking of which, I suggest you use that next time.


Follow those tips and you'll do better

EDIT: Another note. DO NOT Start the story with the character's description. That's where the opening of your story goes. Save the character description for later on in the beginning rather than the first sentence
 
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K

KaMaKaZi

Well-Known Member
ok first of all ill like to say that this is my first story and second of all id like to see u write a story
3rd of all who do u think u r!!!!!!!! u r not an english teacher u r just a cocky big headed boy who thinks he knows everything.
i wud of sed thx for the tips but u sed them so harshly...
i know its not great i sort of rushed it oh yeh and i dont want ur opinion on this story ever again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
zezrex5 probably didnt mean to double post, who r u to tell him not to!!!!!!
p.s thx for the post zezrex and as for u JONOUCHI ill try harder next time, sheeesh...
oh yeh and y wud lee respond nervously!!!
(let us never speak of this again...)
 
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J

Jonouchi

Chibi-cario
steelwing said:
ok first of all ill like to say that this is my first story and second of all id like to see u write a story
3rd of all who do u think u r!!!!!!!! u r not an english teacher u r just a cocky big headed boy who thinks he knows everything.
Click to expand...

You're not an english teacher either, so watch your mouth.

i wud of sed thx for the tips but u sed them so harshly...
i know its not great i sort of rushed it oh yeh and i dont want ur opinion on this story ever again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...

I was not harsh, it's called "Criticism." Your fic will not be liked by everyone.

oh yeh and y wud lee respond nervously!!!
Click to expand...

"Err" or "erm" would show signs of nervousness. He wouldn't like the idea of doing what he was told. He'd be afraid of doing it.


I suggest using Microsoft word for your fics, it will help, trust me
 
K

KaMaKaZi

Well-Known Member
Chapter 2

Beep beep beep went lee’s alarm clock. Lee opened one eye and thumped the top of his alarm clock. He got up and walked out of his room and slowly made his way down the stairs. He eventually reached the kitchen, and he then made himself a bowl of coco pops. Lee wasn’t looking forward to school today, he was too tired to even eat his cereal never mind going to school. So lee got ready slowly but surely and by quarter past eight he was out of the door


In lee’s first lesson he could barely keep his eyes open. ‘Anyone, no? Lee do you know the answer? Huh? Lee mumbled. Well maybe you would know if you paid attention. ‘…’ lee just stayed quiet for the rest of the lesson, trying his best to stay awake.


Dingaling!!!!!!! Went the bell while hundreds of children swarmed out of the classroom agar to get out of school the place which they saw as a prison…


Lee was on his way home when a though sprung to his head!
‘Oh no!’ ‘The cabins’ Lee rushed to the cabins where he promised he’d meet Michael after school. He’d be lucky if they were still here.


When lee arrived there was no one there just himself the cabin and that tunnel which no one had ever been down before. He thought to himself ‘maybe they went down the tunnel?’ ‘Nah…’ He then got the sudden urge to go down the tunnel. ‘No!’ he said to himself ‘you’ll probably get robbed!’ but soon enough he was finding it very hard to resist and besides what if they had got hurt or something so in the end he ended up going down the deep dark scary tunnel.


‘Michael!?’ ‘Are you in here?’
He then saw a path blocked up with wood, he was a bit worried that they were trapped down there so he decided to start moving the wood. By the time he was finished it was very dark but he needed to see if they were ok. He walked down the narrow path until he started hearing things, like quick footsteps, they seemed to be getting closer but every time he looked around there was nothing there. He was getting pretty scared wondering if it was some sort or thief or murderer. He wasn’t helping himself thinking these thoughts. He made it to the end of the tunnel and it was a dead end, was it a trap, would he get out, he wasn’t quite sure at the moment and started to wish he just went home. Suddenly a figure merged out of the shadows and said ‘hello Lee’.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thats all for now im open to ideas but try not to be too harsh.thx
by the way i used microsoft word and wrote a page and a half its still not that long!
 
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P

Poison Master

A Local Person
Well, its better than before but still a little short, for some reason I get confused when I'm reading it, but thats probably just me, I think yo can still improve and I see that you have improved, I'll keep an eye on this one.
 
K

KaMaKaZi

Well-Known Member
thx for the coments i need to spend more time on each chapter i mite do 3 pages on microsoft word.
thx anyway, i know theres alot wrong but im trying.
i mite be riting a better one soon more to my style.
 
J

Jonouchi

Chibi-cario
It's longer, but description is still lacking. Also, when your character is talking, NEVER USE Apostrophe marks, use these:

"Hi!"

Quotation marks are used so your character talks, the other mark is sometimes used for thought. Also, this is what annoyed me the most

Well maybe you would know if you paid attention. ‘…’ lee just stayed quiet for the rest of the lesson, trying his best to stay awake.
Click to expand...

Note the BOLD statement. No one ever does that. This related to not only make-believe, but to real life as well. IRL, no one will say things like that. Instead of '...', tell us that he didn't respond. Use it after talking to give some sort of pause (I wouldn't suggest using it, but..).

Your quotes must ALWAYS END!!! I see some sentences where the quotes aren't closed. Also, never put two quotes in the same place. Which is what you did by doing:

‘Oh no!’ ‘The cabins’
Click to expand...

It should be:

"Oh No!" Lee said in shock. "The cabins!"


You can do better than that. Look at the "Advice for Aspiring Authors" Thread in this forum and the Pokemon Fanfic forum, they're both stickied. and look at some of the 5 star fics here to get yourself an idea of how to write. I'll look at this next chapter to see if you've improved.


That ends my review
 
J

Jonouchi

Chibi-cario
It will unless you improve greatly in the next chapter. You want it kept open, don't you?

Then take our advice and use it well. Follow the threads posted, read 5-star fics to get an idea (but don't take theirs) of how to write and use proper spelling. Those will keep the fic open
 
K

KaMaKaZi

Well-Known Member
omg u think u know everything
u write a fic!!!
seriously write one i wanna review it!
if u dont then ill know, go on prove me wrong!
 
T

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
If you want your thread to be closed, continue arguing and it WILL be closed :D You should be thankful that some gave you advice, use it. And fine, review my fic. I could predict what you want to do: Give me a bad review because I gave you one. Actually, I don't give harsh reviews. They're just "harsh" when I see fics that need that need to be improved. I'll see the next chapter, and if it wasn't good...I'll PM Dragonfree or something. Don't make a big deal out of it. I even read those threads I gave you.

PM me when the next chapter is up, that's how all of us will see if you used any advice we gave.

~Timid Kyogre
 
K

KaMaKaZi

Well-Known Member
u r not a moderater who do u have the right to tel me stuff
stop arguing with me ur gonna get it banned
of course thats wat u all want
i dont want to speak to u again after this because ull just start an argument
i mite write another 1 which will be better and i dont want any arguments
 
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M

MaskedManAbsolkid

Well-Known Member
First off, you're the one starting arguments by not taking constructive critisicm. If you take it, your fic will improve greatly. Nobody has said they want the thread closed, they're just warning you. You'll be very disliked if you carry on acting like that.

About the fic now. It's not great, but it's not complete rubbish. Punctuation and description are lacking, and the chapters need to be longer. Its possible to put the two chapters together, then I'm guessing it'll be just about 2-3 pages. You're doing well, so keep up the work and you'll do better.
 
T

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
Steelwing said:
u r not a moderater who do u have the right to tel me stuff
stop arguing with me ur gonna get it banned
of course thats wat u all want
i dont want to speak to u again after this because ull just start an argument
i mite write another 1 which will be better and i dont want any arguments
Click to expand...

I know very well that I'm not a mod, but it doesn't mean that mods could only review o_O...

And like what Absolkid said, you're starting the problem here. I'll see the next chapter, if there wasn't much improvement I'm afraid that I'll have to PM Dragonfree or something.

Now people, let's make this a 'Mature argument' :)

If you want any advice, PM me. I'll read the next chapter when it is posted...

~Timid Kyogre
 
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