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lee jordan and the monkey talisman
- Thread starter KaMaKaZi
- Start date
Dragonfree
Just me
Yes, please do calm down.
Accept criticism or I'm closing this. This is your last warning.
Accept criticism or I'm closing this. This is your last warning.
El hariyamer
Order of the Green
It's not harshness, Steelwing, it's genuine concern. Unless you respond like the respectable human being I hope you are, no one will show respect either. To be given respect, one must respect others in turn. And have a good command of the English language with grammar, capitalization and punctuation. We all await your next chapter with bated breath, and we sincerely hope your budding career as a writer is not cut short due to your childish stubborness. It would be such a shame to see such a promising young talent wasted due to his extemporaneous judgementalism. Accept positive criticism for what it is, and the critics will accept you.
ok i think ive improved and hope that this will be alot better!
i will now except critizm and a sorry for the trouble. well here it is:
“Wh….who is it?”
“That isn’t important right now, what is important is that you’re here”
“Why…why is that important?” lee said trying to make out as if he wasn’t afraid.
“It’s important because I’ve wanted to talk to you, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a very long time now…”
“Look I don’t want any trouble I just wanna find my friends and go, ok? I wanna go home watch TV and never see you again, ok!”
“There’s no point in running lee you can’t change the past…”
“Ok, now you’re really started to freak me out” lee said keeping a close eye on the dark figure.
“Let me finish lee, I have to tell you something, something about your father”
“M...m…my father” lee said confused, “how do you know my father?”
“Oh yes, I knew your father, I knew him very well. Infant we were best friends once, just like you and Michael”
Lee then remembered about Michael
“Michael! What have you done with him!
“Calm down lee he’s fine”
“Ok your really creepy, just tell me how you knew my father and then leave me alone!” lee said with a little bit more confidence.
“Ill tell you how I knew your father if you just trust me and listen”
“why should I trust you, I don’t know you, your scary and you’ve been following me all the way down here! How can I trust you?”
“Go with your feelings”
“Go with my feelings! What are you some sort of guru!”
“Close”
“Huh?” lee said again confused. None of this made any sense what so ever.
“Well lee there’s something you need to know, something very important, something about your father”
“Just to clear a few things up how did you know my father?”
“I don’t exactly know how to say this but, well, he was a ninja”
“Err ok, your sain”
“No, I know it sounds weird, but it’s true, in fact he was one of our best”
“Our best? Who’s our?”
“Well your dad worked for a secret organisation, you see he worked for the ninjas”
“No, no, no, no! My dad worked for a car company not some sort of freaky ninja club!”
“Were not freaky, our organisation is called the SNS, the secret ninja service”
“Ok”
“You see the thing I need to tell you is that, we want you to join our organisation”
“There you go again with your we thing”
“This is we”
The dark figure then clapped his hand and about 10 dark figures dropped from the roof of the tunnel, as they came out of no where.
“This is just a small amount of the ninjas in the SNS”
“Ok I’ve got a question, 1 why do you want me to join and 2 who are you?”
“my name is master yin, and I want you to join because you will have the same ninja power as your father had. We are hoping that
you will become a great advantage for our corporation”
“Why, why would you want a kid in your corporation?”
“Because there is a problem which we need you to solve, you are the only person we know who might just have the ability to save the
world, and they would never expect a child to be a ninja”
“hmm…erm” lee started to move closer, “err yeh I” lee made a run for it, up the tunnel, he didn’t dare look back as he just wanted to
get outside near people.
In the cave one of the ninjas said “should we retrieve him master?”
“No, he will return when he is ready…”
well thats all for now i hope you liked it a bit more
i should of come up with a better story line but im sure i can make it intersting because this is where the story should start to get better.
i will now except critizm and a sorry for the trouble. well here it is:
“Wh….who is it?”
“That isn’t important right now, what is important is that you’re here”
“Why…why is that important?” lee said trying to make out as if he wasn’t afraid.
“It’s important because I’ve wanted to talk to you, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a very long time now…”
“Look I don’t want any trouble I just wanna find my friends and go, ok? I wanna go home watch TV and never see you again, ok!”
“There’s no point in running lee you can’t change the past…”
“Ok, now you’re really started to freak me out” lee said keeping a close eye on the dark figure.
“Let me finish lee, I have to tell you something, something about your father”
“M...m…my father” lee said confused, “how do you know my father?”
“Oh yes, I knew your father, I knew him very well. Infant we were best friends once, just like you and Michael”
Lee then remembered about Michael
“Michael! What have you done with him!
“Calm down lee he’s fine”
“Ok your really creepy, just tell me how you knew my father and then leave me alone!” lee said with a little bit more confidence.
“Ill tell you how I knew your father if you just trust me and listen”
“why should I trust you, I don’t know you, your scary and you’ve been following me all the way down here! How can I trust you?”
“Go with your feelings”
“Go with my feelings! What are you some sort of guru!”
“Close”
“Huh?” lee said again confused. None of this made any sense what so ever.
“Well lee there’s something you need to know, something very important, something about your father”
“Just to clear a few things up how did you know my father?”
“I don’t exactly know how to say this but, well, he was a ninja”
“Err ok, your sain”
“No, I know it sounds weird, but it’s true, in fact he was one of our best”
“Our best? Who’s our?”
“Well your dad worked for a secret organisation, you see he worked for the ninjas”
“No, no, no, no! My dad worked for a car company not some sort of freaky ninja club!”
“Were not freaky, our organisation is called the SNS, the secret ninja service”
“Ok”
“You see the thing I need to tell you is that, we want you to join our organisation”
“There you go again with your we thing”
“This is we”
The dark figure then clapped his hand and about 10 dark figures dropped from the roof of the tunnel, as they came out of no where.
“This is just a small amount of the ninjas in the SNS”
“Ok I’ve got a question, 1 why do you want me to join and 2 who are you?”
“my name is master yin, and I want you to join because you will have the same ninja power as your father had. We are hoping that
you will become a great advantage for our corporation”
“Why, why would you want a kid in your corporation?”
“Because there is a problem which we need you to solve, you are the only person we know who might just have the ability to save the
world, and they would never expect a child to be a ninja”
“hmm…erm” lee started to move closer, “err yeh I” lee made a run for it, up the tunnel, he didn’t dare look back as he just wanted to
get outside near people.
In the cave one of the ninjas said “should we retrieve him master?”
“No, he will return when he is ready…”
well thats all for now i hope you liked it a bit more
i should of come up with a better story line but im sure i can make it intersting because this is where the story should start to get better.
Poison Master
A Local Person
unfortunately, there still isn't enough description.
Something tells me you posted this in the reply box.
There's barely any description, none of what's going on is explained. Details, Details, Details! Also, you never explained as to where they are, every sentence is in quotes and nothing's explained.
Who's talking with who? Where are they? Why was his father a ninja? Explain. Go into detail about what they're talking about.
You failed to improve from last time. Sorry..
There's barely any description, none of what's going on is explained. Details, Details, Details! Also, you never explained as to where they are, every sentence is in quotes and nothing's explained.
Who's talking with who? Where are they? Why was his father a ninja? Explain. Go into detail about what they're talking about.
You failed to improve from last time. Sorry..
what do i use to show someones speaking then " or '
oh well i think that ive improved ud know where they were if ud read the other chapters properly
and you would also know who he was talking to if u read it
i bet uve not even read any of the other chapter even if u hav u havn't read it very well
i can understand why you dont know why his father is a ninja, im sure i will improve for the next chapter and i think i know a bit more thx alot for the advice
what do u want me to describe ur not supposed to beable to see the dark figure yet any way so how can i describe him
give me something to describe
thx anyway
oh well i think that ive improved ud know where they were if ud read the other chapters properly
and you would also know who he was talking to if u read it
i bet uve not even read any of the other chapter even if u hav u havn't read it very well
i can understand why you dont know why his father is a ninja, im sure i will improve for the next chapter and i think i know a bit more thx alot for the advice
what do u want me to describe ur not supposed to beable to see the dark figure yet any way so how can i describe him
give me something to describe
thx anyway
Poison Master
A Local Person
We cannot really give you things to describe, but stuff like feelings, thoughts etc is pretty good, also clearer ways to show who is talking.
Poison Master
A Local Person
he means its all just speech
Chapter 4
Lee kept on running none stop along the path. He eventually felt like he was out in the open enough to stop and look back. There was nothing there just a few people walking past along with some cars passing by on the road. Lee was still confused as to what went on in that tunnel. He didn’t know what to do with himself at the moment; his brain was too baffled to think about what he should do. He eventually reached home in half the time it would of if he was running normally. He had no idea that he could run so fast. He stopped running as he reached the brown gate at the front of his house. He walked up the stone path with bright green grass on either side of it. He reached his front door and immediately put his key in the lock. Finally he was safe at home.
The following morning he woke up shattered, and as usual had to thump the top of his alarm clock to shut it up. He slumped down stairs where he found his mum pouring his cereal out.
“Hi Hun, just thought I’d make breakfast this morning” said lee’s mum
“Oh…ok” lee replied
“There you go” lee’s mum said as she put lee’s cereal on the table in front of him.
“Thanks mum” lee mumbled
Lee couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday; he thought it was a dream when he woke up. Lee soon got ready for school and slowly walked out of the door. As he closed the door behind him he noticed Michael at the end of the path.
“Hi” said Michael, what’s up?”
“Erm nothing” lee said pleased to see that Michael was ok.
“Oh yeh, how come you weren’t at the cabins yesterday?”
“Oh I… lee paused for thought wondering whether or not to tell Michael about what happened under the tunnel yesterday, “I couldn’t”.
make it”
“Why?” Michael asked
“I had a doctor’s appointment”
“Oh ok” Michael said although you could tell he was disappointed.
They soon reached school and made their way to form.
“Well see you later” Michael shouted as they parted to go to their lessons.
“C ya” lee shouted back.
Lee was in his lesson and was still thinking about yesterday, he was so curious as to how that ‘master Yin’ knew his dad, one thing was for sure lee wasn’t going to forget about this.
The school day went by slowly and lee was glad to get out when it ended, he wanted to get home to try and think about the offer master Yin gave him yesterday. He wondered if they were actual ninjas and if they were serious about him joining. He remembered how those ninjas cam down from the tunnel roof out of no where. That was surely proof that they were for real.
As lee was walking home he happened to pass the green cabins and the tunnel. He looked at the arch-like roof; he could just about see inside it. He tried not to stare too long as he was afraid that they’d come out and get him, or even worse his body might be tempted to go inside!
Lee dropped his school bag and fell on his comfy water bed, lee loved to lie down on this bed even if he wasn’t tired, he just found it relaxing.
It was getting late and for some reason Lee wasn’t getting tired. He tossed and turned in his bed but no matter what he just couldn’t get to sleep. He decided to go down stairs for a little snack but then he felt something inside him, something that wanted him to go up into the attic. He decided to go with his feelings, he thought that it might tire him out a bit even if he was just going up to the attic.
Lee hadn’t been in the attic much; in fact he couldn’t remember the last time he was in there. Anyway lee grabbed a torch and then pulled a rope making some dusty old stairs shoot out from the trap door. He walked up the stairs and each one creaked as he stepped on it. Lee popped his head up so he could just see in; he then turned on his torch and slowly started to make his way into the actual attic. He got in and started to look around flashing his torch around to make things clearer. As he turned around he saw a rusty old box lying there in the open like it wanted to be found. Lee approached the box slowly and cautiously, with all that was going on in these past few days he didn’t know what to expect. He opened the box and there was a black leather case covered with dust, he then opened the case hesitantly and it revealed what looked to be a samurai sword!
“Wow!” said lee, “I wonder who it belongs too?”
The sword was silver with strange markings on it the handle it was perfectly shaped and the blade looked sharp.
Lee then paused for though and then…
“No…it couldn’t be, could it?”
“If my dad really was a ninja then that means that master Yin really did know my dad and that they actually want me to become a
ninja!”
“What are you doing up here?” said a voice from behind Lee
“Hey! He he, I was just erm I was erm”
It was Lee’s mum.
“What have you got there?” she said curiously
“Uhh…nothing, nothing” lee replied
Lee’s mum sighed, “Well just hurry up and get to bed its 2 in the morning”
“Ok mum” Lee replied, “Few, that was a close one!”
Lee put the sword back in its case and then took it into his room. He hid it under his bed and then went to sleep with a lot more on his mind…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
well thats it wadya think?
huh? huh? huh?
Lee kept on running none stop along the path. He eventually felt like he was out in the open enough to stop and look back. There was nothing there just a few people walking past along with some cars passing by on the road. Lee was still confused as to what went on in that tunnel. He didn’t know what to do with himself at the moment; his brain was too baffled to think about what he should do. He eventually reached home in half the time it would of if he was running normally. He had no idea that he could run so fast. He stopped running as he reached the brown gate at the front of his house. He walked up the stone path with bright green grass on either side of it. He reached his front door and immediately put his key in the lock. Finally he was safe at home.
The following morning he woke up shattered, and as usual had to thump the top of his alarm clock to shut it up. He slumped down stairs where he found his mum pouring his cereal out.
“Hi Hun, just thought I’d make breakfast this morning” said lee’s mum
“Oh…ok” lee replied
“There you go” lee’s mum said as she put lee’s cereal on the table in front of him.
“Thanks mum” lee mumbled
Lee couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday; he thought it was a dream when he woke up. Lee soon got ready for school and slowly walked out of the door. As he closed the door behind him he noticed Michael at the end of the path.
“Hi” said Michael, what’s up?”
“Erm nothing” lee said pleased to see that Michael was ok.
“Oh yeh, how come you weren’t at the cabins yesterday?”
“Oh I… lee paused for thought wondering whether or not to tell Michael about what happened under the tunnel yesterday, “I couldn’t”.
make it”
“Why?” Michael asked
“I had a doctor’s appointment”
“Oh ok” Michael said although you could tell he was disappointed.
They soon reached school and made their way to form.
“Well see you later” Michael shouted as they parted to go to their lessons.
“C ya” lee shouted back.
Lee was in his lesson and was still thinking about yesterday, he was so curious as to how that ‘master Yin’ knew his dad, one thing was for sure lee wasn’t going to forget about this.
The school day went by slowly and lee was glad to get out when it ended, he wanted to get home to try and think about the offer master Yin gave him yesterday. He wondered if they were actual ninjas and if they were serious about him joining. He remembered how those ninjas cam down from the tunnel roof out of no where. That was surely proof that they were for real.
As lee was walking home he happened to pass the green cabins and the tunnel. He looked at the arch-like roof; he could just about see inside it. He tried not to stare too long as he was afraid that they’d come out and get him, or even worse his body might be tempted to go inside!
Lee dropped his school bag and fell on his comfy water bed, lee loved to lie down on this bed even if he wasn’t tired, he just found it relaxing.
It was getting late and for some reason Lee wasn’t getting tired. He tossed and turned in his bed but no matter what he just couldn’t get to sleep. He decided to go down stairs for a little snack but then he felt something inside him, something that wanted him to go up into the attic. He decided to go with his feelings, he thought that it might tire him out a bit even if he was just going up to the attic.
Lee hadn’t been in the attic much; in fact he couldn’t remember the last time he was in there. Anyway lee grabbed a torch and then pulled a rope making some dusty old stairs shoot out from the trap door. He walked up the stairs and each one creaked as he stepped on it. Lee popped his head up so he could just see in; he then turned on his torch and slowly started to make his way into the actual attic. He got in and started to look around flashing his torch around to make things clearer. As he turned around he saw a rusty old box lying there in the open like it wanted to be found. Lee approached the box slowly and cautiously, with all that was going on in these past few days he didn’t know what to expect. He opened the box and there was a black leather case covered with dust, he then opened the case hesitantly and it revealed what looked to be a samurai sword!
“Wow!” said lee, “I wonder who it belongs too?”
The sword was silver with strange markings on it the handle it was perfectly shaped and the blade looked sharp.
Lee then paused for though and then…
“No…it couldn’t be, could it?”
“If my dad really was a ninja then that means that master Yin really did know my dad and that they actually want me to become a
ninja!”
“What are you doing up here?” said a voice from behind Lee
“Hey! He he, I was just erm I was erm”
It was Lee’s mum.
“What have you got there?” she said curiously
“Uhh…nothing, nothing” lee replied
Lee’s mum sighed, “Well just hurry up and get to bed its 2 in the morning”
“Ok mum” Lee replied, “Few, that was a close one!”
Lee put the sword back in its case and then took it into his room. He hid it under his bed and then went to sleep with a lot more on his mind…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
well thats it wadya think?
huh? huh? huh?
Last edited:
M
macBad0
Guest
A 10 out of 5