• Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Legend Has It...

Kinginsoar

Advanced Spriter
Hi, I started a story in Microsoft Word and I'd like to see if I'm on the right track or not. I only have the prologue so far, but I don't think it's very good at the moment. I guess I have to write more.

Oh well, here's the story. The prologue is a little short.

Legend Has It
DSLomb Productions

Prologue​

There are many legends to be known in this universe. Many of these interesting legends include money, jewels, and riches. But there are the others that don’t.

Emma Richards was a popular student at Washington High School. She wasn’t nice, which was probably the thing that made her popular. No one knows why they like her; maybe it was her good looks, or maybe there are just others who aren’t nice either. But Emma just wasn’t nice. She made fun of anyone who was younger than her, and those people she teased still admired her.

“You’re my idol!” said Alexander Amber, a 3rd grader from elementary school who Emma pushed into a mud puddle. He said those exact words, even though he was covered in mud.

She had a boyfriend; Don Masters, who was the star player of the high school football team. Don was rude and mean to little kids; just like Emma. He always bragged about how he was better looking than other people. He bragged more often than he played football.

But who could blame him? He actually was handsome, which annoyed the other football players and high school students as well. He had straight, dirty blonde hair, which wasn’t too long but wasn’t too short. He was also very strong, which is what interested Emma.

Emma thought she had a pretty good life, until someone was brave enough to walk up to her and say;

“Coward.”

It was Max Henderson, a brave 6th grader from the same elementary school as Alexander.

That was the very word that began to tick Emma off. She pushed Max onto the rocky pavement (she was outside at his school), and stepped on his hand. It began to bleed.

“OW!” cried Max, who lay worthlessly on the pavement, covered with small rocks all over his body. “Stop it, stop it!”

It turned out that everyone learned a week later Emma had broken Max’s hand.

---

It was a month after that day that seemed to pass by shortly that something bad happened to Emma.

Emma stood in her room, shuddered with fear, as she stared at a man with a gun. The gun was aimed towards her.

“Please don’t hurt me!” she cried. “I’m just a high school student!”

“Just a high school student?” asked the man. His voice started to rise. “Just a high school student?!” he asked again. “You think that hurting and teasing younger people makes you JUST a high school, student?! You don’t deserve to live with us…us nice people who don’t hurt each other. You should just…go away. And since you won’t do that, I’m going to have to kill you!”

That was after the passing month had ended. Emma’s life had changed a lot during that month. And she did stuff no one could ever forgive.

END PROLOGUE

---

That's all so far. I hope it's not too bad.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
And she did stuff no one could ever forgive.

.. Er, like abusing little children/bullying them isn't something forgivable?

Or breaking a childs' hand? Also;

That was the very word that began to tick Emma off. She pushed Max onto the rocky pavement (she was outside at his school), and stepped on his hand. It began to bleed.

This .. was a bore to read. Seriously. You could have dramatized the moment even better, want a hint how? As Emma cruely stepped onto Max's hand, her wieght on that foot slowly started to crush the small childs' hand, causing bone to break the skin and let blood trickle out in rivulets.. Ooh. Drama. Instead of his hand randomly began bleeding.


“OW!” cried Max, who lay worthlessly on the pavement, covered with small rocks all over his body. “Stop it, stop it!”

.. have you never broken something before? Kids don't go ow they scream, especially when something is being broken. And how did the rocks randomly cover his body? Why didn't he struggle? Why did he just lay there like an idiot? Did no one see? No one care? Another example of rushed, and poorly thought out drama.

It turned out that everyone learned a week later Emma had broken Max’s hand.

Er .. it took a week for Max to realise his hand was broken? Or that it was Emma that did it. Cause seriously, if a student was this much of an abusive *****, she would be punished by now. So yeah, more 'wtfness' about this whole thing.

So.. yeah. Random people with guns appearing randomly and threatening bullies with death. Random blood appearing and delayed hand breaks ... :/ even for a prologue this is bad.
 

Chrono Mew

Chronos-itis
Hmmm show some detail i use that same program go to the link [sig] .../|Tales Of Densin|\... even though im not an expert its got some. Down be afraid to write more in a paragraph.
 
Top