Legends do come true

[toadman9]

i really wanted to get everyone informed about whats going on so far.I tried to make sure i corrected spelling and everything, but no ones perfect. the only thing i wish is that this isn't closed immediately. thank you.


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chapter 1: A new species found.
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*Slap*
"OUCH!What was that for?"Lance had just got slapped by Clair, his best friend. They had both been given Dratini's on there 12th birthday, by Lances dad, Drake. Drake was an elite four member in hoenn.They decided to start they're journey in kanto instead, because they wanted to beat 2 elite fours before going up against Drake. The elite fours were the kanto elite four and the johto elite four.They were so far on they're way to fight sabrina, the 7th gym leader in kanto.
" That was for touching my butt, jeez!"Clair was obviously mad because she left a bruse on his cheek.
"I'm sorry, it's just your beauty is blinding me." Lance commented, trying to save himself.
"And so you have to take it out on my butt?Jeez, men are so, so...." *Boom*!!
"What was that?" Clair was looking around, trying to find out what had happened.
"Ah, evil pokemon!"people were running out of the town screaming.And pursuing them were a Hitmontop,Hitmonlee, and Hitmonchan.
"Dragonair go!" both Lance and Clair through there pokeballs, and out popped two Dragonairs.
"Dragonair, ice beam!" Lances Dragonair shot a ice cold beam at hitmonlee, sending it flying into a building.
"Dragonair, twister!" Clair's sent out a twister that took out hitmontop and hitmonchan.
"What made them so evil? They didn't do anything." Clair was confused, as was Lance. But all of a sudden the hitmon's all stood up and rushed at them at fast speeds.
"Why did i ask!"

 

[Yami Ryu]

This is a very bad, very rushed, very script fic.

One: What do Dragonair, Hitmon Lee/Chan/Top, Clair and Lance look like. Are they clothed, naked, or other?

Two: What do the Attacks look like? Ice Beam, Twister? And anything else that might have been lost in this english language killing fic.

Three: The grammar abuse just kills my eyes. As does the stupidity of the characters and their pokemon. Or maybe it was the lack of personality and how Clair called the three fighting type's evil. Didn't it occur to her the trainers might be the ones who are the evil beings?

Four: Where were this panicing mob's pokemon? Seriously, the number of pokemon from a mob, which usually would consist of 15 people or more would be more than enough to handle Three pokemon.

Five: Length. Since you rushed this first chapter out it is very tacky, and very, very badly done. You go from one thing to another and another, and are all higgledy piggledy with the use of the space button and describing and the personalities that it goes from being a rushed chapter to a very badly rushed chapter.

Overall I suggest you go back to the drawing board and READ the Rules and the Advice for Aspiring Authors stickies. They're at the top of this forum. There's even an Advice Sticky in Non-Pokemon fanfics.

Edit: I just remembered: Clair and Lance are also Related as in cousins, or so the game hints at it... so are you also doing incest in this? O___o

 

[Flaming Lip]

...

Right... 3 paragraphs =/= chapter. First of all... What? Everything happened so quickly. Lance and Clair get Dratinis and end up going for thier 7th badge and get attacked by Hitmons?

What? I just can't follow it. Its too rushed and I have virtually no idea whats going on.

Here:

Recipe for a Decent Chapter:

You'll need:

-Description

-spelling and grammar

-at least a rough idea of what happens

- atleast 4 or more pages on Word

- OPTIONAL: Beta to make sure your Chapter is nice smelling and good looking. (it helps the taste too)

Add the ingrediants together in a bowl (except the Beta) Blend, and add charecters and actions (see recipes 1 and 2). Bake at 250 F and let sit for ten minutes. Look over it to make sure it looks nice and pretty. Add Beta.

Voila! Chapter.

Too sum it up, you're missing most of the components you need to make a chapter.

 

[Willow's Tara]

Well it needs alot of work like the other two said, very short, the words were smashed together, I couldn't tell who was talking, OPut two spaces in between each speech.

Regenade- They are? I didn't know they are related, or might be, or I might have known that but forgot.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Willow's Tara: Yeah, talk to the guy in the pkmn center in FRLG just before fighting the E4, he mentions, I think, been awhile since I talked to him, that Lance is related to a gym leader in a distant land, or another dragon user in a distant land, and the only one to my knowledge that could be, would be Clair

 

[Willow's Tara]

off-topic- Oh I see!, that's interesting

toadman9- After learning that new information, ym question directs to you, if the two are cousins why would Lance flirt with Clair? Were they joking or is this part of a plot?

 

[toadman9]

OK, thanks guys. I'm gonna go and check out those rules. Its just i got a 4+ in writing so i thought i'd go with the flow.
The part about Lance flirting with clair is that he's joking. you know, cousinly love.And also, the part about clair calling them 'evil' she was asking that. She didn't think they were evil but the villagers did.

I'm thinking of actually rewriting the first chapter. Please tell me if i should or not.

 

[blackemerald]

Sigh. Now, to review everything that went wrong.

*Slap*
"OUCH!What was that for?"Lance had just got slapped by Clair, his best friend. They had both been given Dratini's on their 12th birthday, by Lances dad, Drake.

No spaces after speech marks, wrong useage of commas and type of their. Take out the second comma.

Drake was an elite four member in hoenn.They decided to start they're journey in kanto instead, because they wanted to beat 2 elite fours before going up against Drake. The elite fours were the kanto elite four and the johto elite four.They were so far on they're way to fight sabrina, the 7th gym leader in kanto.

No capitalization of places or people's names, putting numbers instead of typing them like a person who's bothered. Their, not they're.

" That was for touching my butt, jeez!"Clair was obviously mad because she left a bruse on his cheek.
"I'm sorry, it's just your beauty is blinding me." Lance commented, trying to save himself.
"And so you have to take it out on my butt?Jeez, men are so, so...." *Boom*!!

There is a wonderful key called enter or return. Use it when a new person speaks. Also, if Lance is so pathetic that he has to hit on his cousin, this proves that your charater has no personality. Don't forget to press the space bar after speech marks.

What was that?" Clair was looking around, trying to find out what had happened.
"Ah, evil pokemon!"people were running out of the town screaming.And pursuing them were a Hitmontop,Hitmonlee, and Hitmonchan.
"Dragonair go!" both Lance and Clair through there pokeballs, and out popped two Dragonairs.
"Dragonair, ice beam!" Lances Dragonair shot a ice cold beam at hitmonlee, sending it flying into a building.
"Dragonair, twister!" Clair's sent out a twister that took out hitmontop and hitmonchan.
"What made them so evil? They didn't do anything." Clair was confused, as was Lance. But all of a sudden the hitmon's all stood up and rushed at them at fast speeds.
"Why did i ask!"

Enter key. Space bar. Proper description. Spellcheck. Proper grammer.All of these are your friends yet you refuse to use them. Why?

Funny how I managed to review this whole chapter in four quote, isn't it?

And to answer your question, yes. For all our sakes.

~B.E

 

[toadman9]

Thanks blackemereld, i think i will make the corrections, and add a little details too, then maybe Renegade wont be so mad.

Next chapter: A new species discovered(remake)

 

[toadman9]

Here it is, the remake of Chapter 1. I hope it's better this time, i did do more changing. And i added some stuff too.
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Chapter 1(Remake): A new species discovered!

One year ago, while sitting at home watching the pokemon channel, a boys father came home.
"Lance come say hi." the man yelled to Lance as a girl walked in after him.

"Hi Clair, how are you?" Lance's cousin Clair was the one who had just walked in. She had blue hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a dark blue dress.

" Hi Lance, i see you havn't got dressed yet." She was right, he hadn't gotten dressed today. He was still in his pj's that he slept in, and his red hair was messy just like it always was.

" You kids can chat later. Right know i have something i need to give you. But first you need to close your eyes. No peeking." Right after both the kids closed there eyes. Lances dad Drake pulled out two pokeballs. He then let the pokemon out. And when he did, two light blue pokemon popped out.They had long bodys with white stomachs.

" OH MY GOD!" Clair was running around, jumping up and down, and screaming at the top of her lungs. Lance on the other hand wasn't running around of jumping up and down or anything. He was just standing there, staring at the pokemon he had only saw on tv. He had wanted one his entire life.

" Ok kids, stop looking and lets get going. You did want to start your journey didn't you?" Lance dad was still chuckling as he walked out the door, where his private jet had landed.

" Where are we going to start? Kanto, Johto or Hoenn?" Lance was ready to go anywhere.

" I think you should start in Kanto. It would be easier to start out from there. Then you could come back to Hoenn after the elite four. Or you could go to Johto.Theres even the Orange Islands. Anyway, hop up into the plane then we'll head to Kanto.
One Month Later....

"Lance hurry up!" said Clair was yelling at Lance who was running out of the pokecenter. He had a black and red shirt on with black jeans.

" I just had to get my Dragonair from the nurse. I had her do a full checkup on him, He was acting a bit wierd. You could have gone on without me, i would have caught up."

" Ya i could have, but then i wouldn't have got to yell at you." Clair was about to say something else when she was inturupted by people running out of the pokemon gym.

" Run away, evil pokemon!" The one person said as he ran past Lance.

" Evil pokemon? How can pokemon be evil?" Clair asked Lance.They didn't have to wait long for the answer. A Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan came running out of the gym.

" Hit mon!" The Hitmonlee used high jump kick. It jumped high in the air and then came flying back down. When it hit the ground, the earth shook. Then the Hitmonchan used mach punch to push Lance to the ground.

" Ok that's it! Dragonair go!" Lance pulled out a pokeball and a long blue pokemon came out." Use ice beam Dragonair!" The dragon pokemon opened it's mouth and a see through beam of ice was blaster from its mouth.It hit the Hitmonchan dead on. The Hitmonchan was blasted back into a building.

" Seadra I choose you!" Clair's Seadra came out of it's pokeball. It was blue and had spike-like wings on it's back." Use twister!" Clair's Seadra opened it's mouth and blew a twister of air from it's mouth. It was a grey form of air that hit the Hitmonlee and sent it flying backward. But both attacks didn't work. Both Hitmon's got back up and just stood there.

" Very good job, but it's won't work. My pokemon are stronger then any other pokemon." A strange man walked out of the gym, and with him was a tied up Sabrina." I have enhanced my pokemon with a power that nobody but me knows about. I am Seth, and I wil not be defeated! Dark Weezing, come on out and use smokescreen." Seth grabbed a pokeball and summoned a Weezing. It came out and immediatly used smoke screen. When the smoke faded, the trainer Seth was nowhere to be found.

" That was odd. Did you see his pokeball? It was black instead of red and white." Clair asked Lance.

" I know. I think we should find this guy, for two reasons: #1,we cant get our 7th unless we do
and #2, i wanna beat this guy."

" Then it's settled."

 

[Yami Ryu]

... this isn't any better than your first chapter. Longer yes, better no. The characters are still flat, still bad. You'd have been better off having this as Kanto or Johto centered, without having them 'discuss' where they would go. Or you could even have left them in Johto, as I doubt Clair really ever left Blackthron, as there really seems to be no reason, and the reason in the plot just seems lack luster and not well thought out.

And in a month they had Dragonairs and Clair a Seadra? A Seadra on land, even when Horsea is shown to be unable to battle or cope well outside of it's water habitat. And Clair throws out a Seadra, onto dry land.

...

And Dragonair's in a month? They must have been doing some serious power crunch training to get them to evolve that fast. Then there's the fact they started off with Dratini's. Way, way over done. The trainies of the dragon clan are given dragon like pokemon and must earn the right to bear a dragon type. So far it seems Clair and Lance have not.

... outside of the fact they seem to be a Redneck couple.

Reporter: What reason is there for you to go to family reuinions?
Lance: To pick up girls.

<.< seriously, that is how your Lance is coming off as. A redneck sister loving hick *no offence to other rednecks* And Clair's no better.

And someone actually defeated Sabrina the psycho ****? What, is Seth uuberly powerfull to take on a psychic gym leader by his own lonesome? Was he immune to being turned into a plushie? What?

Your barely described attacks aren't any better either; so basically Seadra burped out a Twister. I could see Dragonair using Twister, thanks to it's wing ears, but Seadra using Twister? No. Not unless it was in the water, or near a water source to allow it to use a water variant of a tornado. AKA a 'water spout' or a water version of a tornado. But instead you have Seadra, burp out a Twister attack.

That really is not clever.

And what the hell is with you and not capitalising I? Is it beyond your capabilities still? And why are you spacing after a " in a speech quote? It's supposed to be "Blah." not " Blah." You do not put a space after the ". And don't use # or & or numbers such as 2 or 5 unless it's supposed to be a quote from a note or such in the fic. As it's lazy, bad writing, and it would only take an extra two seconds to write out Number, And or Two.

Just because you 'revised' chapter one, doesn't make it any less rushed than the first. Nor does it make it better.