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Like Man, Like Pokémon: Wending Forks on the Path [PG-13]

Eszett

one love
Like Man, Like Pokémon: Wending Forks on the Path [PG-13]

You wanted origins? You've got origins.

I've hinted about this to a few people, sent portions to Eefi and Josh, and expanded on what I sent those two long into the wee hours of the night. The rating is tentative and is likely to fluctuate as time goes on; if I had to take a guess in which direction I would reckon it would become a stronger rating. In addition, I hope that this material won't be too esoteric to you, since it will feature considerable embellishment on the origin of languages, Russian composers, and the philosophy of Nietzsche. Furthermore, the plot does contain Darwinian evolution within it just in case you find that objectionable.

Without further ado, commence reading. Please comment when you finish the section and I hope you enjoy it. :D

~~~~

¯~-._ Prologue: A Timeless Revelation _.-~¯

"...And that is how we came to be, every human and Pokémon on the face of this planet."

That story of eons dealt me a totally unexpected blow. I could hardly digest its contents, which spanned over too many years to count, detailing the various nuances of my past that no science classroom or textbook would have ever explained to me. Something in the back of my mind warned me that it was probably just a fancy collection of lies, but deep in my gut, I knew it to be true. Staring at the traits of myself and those of my Pokémon, it seemed that every little clue in our anatomy and demeanor pointed to this brilliant deduction.

People always told me that I was good at interacting with others, and the many friends I have stand as a strong testament to that, but what exactly made me such a sociable person seemed such a mystery until I heard that tale. Could it be, then, that I was selected by the blood and code of my ancestors to possess these traits? Why, then, was I chosen above the rest? What made my birth so special as to have the all the gifts resulting from the culmination of a 200,000-year journey bestowed onto my body? I did not feel any different from my peers, I did not feel any incredible mental or physical talents within my flesh. I was still only an above-average student like the majority of my peers, and I spent most of my time on the basketball team as a benchwarmer.

Still, it struck me that, while I was not the brightest or most coordinated individual, I could always maintain a positive attitude towards any being or situation for however long I needed to. The smartest of my friends struggled to acquaint themselves with those who lacked their incredible facilities of knowledge, and the most athletic of my friends tried with intense perseverance to fathom our school materials in a reasonable time to little avail. Despite the traits in which these people excelled, they did not bother to expand their horizons. Yet such action seeming came so naturally to me that I hardly noticed it.

As I look back, I realize just how pivotal my role as a trailblazer has been. I was the first person in my town to even acquire a Pokémon license after I found a stray Electrike abandoned by its owner, nursing it back to health and lavishing it with an almost motherly love, maintaining a everlasting vigilance and focus on it. Even after the veterinarian said that it had only a 5% chance to survive, I stayed by its side if only to make it last few moments enjoyable and free of pain. However, even I was aghast when it seemed that under my care its condition was improving, and in due time it made a full recovery, forming a bond that no force in the world could sever.

Everyone was so ecstatically surprised at my masterful handling of the situation that they threw my Electrike and me a party, whom I had christened Ruffian, yet at the time it did not seem that big of an accomplishment to me. Though my determination was admirable, I only did what I felt had to be done, seeing to the end that my goals be fulfilled.

Yet, amidst the hoopla and naïveté that my folks radiated onto me, I gathered something else from my grandfather. Beneath the gaze of his constant, unmoving vigil, I suspected within him a knowledge so deep and involved that he could not possibly divulge it in full within the span of ten lifetimes. However, at that age I still held a touch of foolishness about me.

Nah, that can't be, I thought, well-aware that the whims of my mind usually led to fruitless conclusions.

By golly, I was more mistaken than I could have imagined.

~~~~

¯~-._ Chapter 1: The Dream of Catalysis _.-~¯

The only thing I have remembered from my childhood is a maxim that my grandfather often told me as an infant: "the bond between man and Pokémon runs deep in our blood". Ever since he told me how, when I was born, he sensed an aura from within me that surmised I would become one of the greatest Pokémon trainers to live on the planet, this phrase which plays over and over in my mind to this day gained a new significance. Little did I know that after hearing my grandfather speak to me on the patio one lazy summer day when I was fifteen, I would soon be on the prowl to decipher the meaning of this phrase.

I can recall the morning as if it were yesterday. My stomach was upset from the feast we had last night, so I had gone to sleep considerably earlier than the rest of the family. It was a uneasy sleep I had then, accompanied with a dream that still fills me with dread to this day: I was frolicking in the windy, lush meadows in the countryside with my friend Miko, whiling away the time when I was free from assignments, the time that I could be alone with nature and the love of my life. Not a person, house, or car was in sight as we rolled about in the honey-yellow flowers and glinting green grass, inhaling the sweet air passed downwind by the whistling blusters. All the while, my eyes remained firmly locked upon hers while the sweet countenance gazed back at me, tumbling down the hill as a unit that we maintained by holding a grip as strong as our love. I tell you, we felt so invincible at that time, knowing that we had each other and our Pokémon on which to rely.

Miko and I did not have a long history together, yet we still knew that we were the perfect pair for each other. We met each other at the Kyoto Music Festival in 2009, exactly two years before I had this dream. And gosh, what an enchanting moment! we were sitting next to each other with our own friends, and due to the tight seating arrangement the two of us sat smack-dab next to each other. It was then and there that we watched the Philadelphia Orchestra, on tour throughout the world thanks to a generous grant from an anonymous philanthropist, playing Night on Bald Mountain by my - and her - favorite composer, Modest Mussorgsky. I was overwhelmed to tears at the beauty of the piece, from its fierce onset to its tranquil closing. Experiencing it in that ampitheater, immersed in the noises of the gods, I felt myself unwittingly rise up from my seat as I attained a heightened level of spirituality.

"May the gods bless you, fine souls!" I uttered amidst the drone of applause that followed. Yet, my ear caught those exact words coming from another source. At first I thought it was the echo of the ampitheater, but it did not sound like my voice at all. Indeed, it wasn't even the voice of a boy my age. I darted my head every which way, only to lay eyes on the girl next to me. She had already been looking at me for a few seconds now, a keenness and awareness of her surroundings that she seemed to innately possess. With our eyes, ablaze with vigor, drilling into the other pair, seeing in that fraction of a second the composition of each other's essences in full, we knew our paths were intertwined for good from that day forward. The two of us instantly exchanged every contact we could muster as it were a reflex, spending every day thereafter talking to each other long into the night.

We developed a fondness and an understanding for each other in only a few days, and soon enough we found each other spending every moment we could salvage together. Our long discussions about the artistic achievements of The Mighty Handful and the sessions we spent training up each other's Pokémon allowed me not only to discover her cool yet impassioned demeanor to which I became so attached, but also to realize my innate ability to adapt to the wavelength of any individual I met. We lauded each other for our accomplishments, taught each other the bits of wisdom we acquired from our walks of life, and established within the other an unbreakable trust on which we could always rely.

Yet this sense did not seem to hold up as we rolled down the hills of my dreams, blithely unaware of what lay in the path ahead. After tumbling for about 40 yards, our grips on the other firm as love, I felt several shocking jabs press down on my back, each one sending up a surge of inexorable pain that somehow rendered me unable to move anything from my shoulders down. As I looked up, subconsciously dragging myself to the side so that Miko could see as well, I bore visage to a gruff, menacing figure with broad shoulders, a tall head and a short trim. The sun was behind him so I could barely make out his details, but I could easily glean from the shadowy visage that he was a well-built man, perhaps a soldier, and that he incapacitated me with his boots, lined on the bottom with several electrified cleats. While I could not see it, I found it apparent that he was staring straight into my eyes, shattered by the loss of tranquility.

"Budy pokom!" With a booming voice that rustled the leaves of the trees, he issued a decree in a language that I did not understand. Nevertheless, the graveness of his voice exacerbated the fear I was experiencing, making my heart race faster and faster. Miko pulled me closer to her, whispering to me that she did not wish to bear sight to this hideous interruption.

Upon noticing this, the figure shouted once again: "Uglan kõlm!" He drew a long, rigid finger in her direction, which she managed to interpret as a demand for her attention. With that, we knew with nary a word between us that this figure would not tolerate any dilatory actions and that he had some pressing motive he needed to fulfill - and that we were an essential part in his plans.

"Zabul na strosyu, rõ kalitt menek. Vilz!" he shouted with a characteristically unnatural firmness, furthering my suspicions that he was a military figure. After he ascertained our stare of bewilderment, he drew back his right arm and snapped three times, and in a near-instant a rather lanky figure, who by looking at the edges of his head I could tell wore glasses, came to his side. He reiterated to this figure what he had just said to the two of us, and with a nod, he spoke to us in a soft yet chilling tone:

"Ratak said that he wants you to get up and follow him." Not even a moment after this second figure, who I could only assume was a translator, said this, Ratak held some armament with a long barrel pointed directly at us. More frightened than ever, Miko let go of me and sprung up, and while I tried to do likewise, the injury I sustained from my cleats rendered me incapable of performing it. Sensing urgency, I was quick to state my inability to get up. After the translator told this to Ratak, he issued, again in his eerie voice:

"Well, I guess that we will have to leave you. Come, let us take the girl away." Upon saying that, Ratak got out a pair of handcuffs, putting his arm in one loop and Miko's in the other.

It felt like a million needles going straight through my heart; I could barely control my feelings. As shock gave way to anger, I reached to my belt - my arms still remained functional - to grab one of the Pokéballs upon it. I managed to snag the customized Pokéball of my Ruffian, long since a Manectric, and with that I threw the ball on the ground like no tomorrow, watching sparks fly all about from his fur and from the ball. From the moment he left the ball, he looked poised and ready to attack, sensing that Miko was in danger. I did not want him to use Thunderbolt lest the electricity travel through the handcuffs, injuring Miko, so instead I ordered him to use Crunch. Taking a step back to prepare his assault, he then lunged forward, his mouth wide open, aimed straight for Ratak.

All would have worked out well, but the translator whipped out some device, which I could only tell he had from the glimmer its shiny exterior gave off, and used it on Ruffian. He experienced a sudden change in demeanor, as if he could not remember the events that just ensued, and after regaining his senses it seemed to him that he had known Ratak and the translator all his life and that they were his loyal guardians. The translator, who I had sensed bore a wicked grin, whistled to get Ruffian's attention and pointed a finger in my direction, and Ruffian, sensing me as an alien figure, gave a fierce, defensive growl. With a punctuated snap from the translator, Ruffian built up a massive charge, and after I had gathered what the device did to him, I knew that he had every intention of launching a Thunderbolt straight for me.

"Sweet dreams," said the translator, as if he knew that his croney made a mockery of what was once a perfectly happy dream sequence. And, as if this was not enough to agitate me, when the two figured turned around, I noticed each one bore a giant red star on the back of their jet-black uniforms. Oh goodness, how this could be! they were members of that band of rogues, the Namzi Clan, known for their brutalities against the Japanese people! Oh dear Miko, I cannot let you go with them! Stop! STOP!---

At that moment, I was ravaged from head to toe by the shock of what seemed a million volts. The instant I regained my senses, I saw that I had jumped out of my bed nearly two feet in the air, coming down to land on a mattress saturated with the sweat of my incredible stress throughout the ordeal. It seemed to me a mere insignificant nightmare when I first woke up, and thus I largely dismissed it as I got myself cleaned up and showered for breakfast.

A good portion of my family was at the table to enjoy that wonderful meal that my mother prepared. She had cooked up a selection of okonomiyaki, which I would have found awkward for a breakfast entry hadn't she filled them with jelly obtained from the cherry blossom trees we grew outside. It was a hearty meal that I enjoyed dearly, its tart, tangy crispness lingering in my mouth for two days thereafter, yet my stomach still did not take to it very well. I laid on the hammock on our porch, staring up at the tranquil sky dotted with light clouds. I let out my Ruffian, still as loyal to me as it had always been, and it promptly crawled up onto my breast and laid down as I stroked its bristly fur. I would have likely fallen asleep on the hammock, yet, then and there, I heard my grandfather beckon to me with his frail yet lyrical voice:

"Koji, I sense that you have come of age at last. To commemorate this, I would like to tell you a story that only members of the Mitsuo family are entitled to hear. It is a story that I am sure you will enjoy, for it explains the most pivotal dictum I told you time and time again when you were but a toddler. Please, be my guest..."

While I usually found my grandfather's stories to be a drag at best, the subtle lightness in his tone of voice piqued my interest thoroughly, and thus with complete sincerity I was able to vocalize five words that would alter my life for as long as it lasted:

"Yes, Ichiro-kun, I am listening."
 
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Angeling

true love
Ooh, I already read the extended versions when you sent it to me, and I loved it. I want to read more already, so hurry up and write more. Haha. Nah, take your time.. but don't procrastinate like me.

Good work though, and keep it up. Also, I want to know the next time you update and stuff..

[/endofshortcommentreview]
 

PDL

disenchanted
woah... This is an impressive atmosphere you're bluiding here. It pays to have an extensive vocabulary :)

however, the transitions between scenes seemed a bit... abrupt? I'm not saying it's bad though.

It's definately leading somewhere though. keep it up :)
 

Eszett

one love
Yeah, I had concerns about that in due time, but I wasn't sure where else to incorporate the bit about Kasumi besides where she was mentioned. I know it's a bit jumpy at the moment but it'll start to flow in due time.

Thanks for the comments so far.
 
When you sent me this over AIM, I was pretty overwhelmed with how powerful the first chapter was. It definitley managed to get my attention. It started so happily, and then it got extremely tense, and then before I knew it, it was but a dream. Takes a lot for me to actually lean forward while I read so I can get to what's going on quicker. Obviously the speed of light wasn't quick enough from my origional vantage point. Excellent quality of writing as I mentioned to you, and I'm certainly interested on where you're goin' to take the story next.

Good stuff.

-Josh
 

Cacophony

Well-Known Member
So this is it, huh? Yep, I read it. At first I was feeling a little reluctant to reply, but you did ask for comments in your intro, so here they come. Oh yeah, these are just random musings, so they aren't in any real order. But moving along...

Excellent command of the English language, as expected. I do think that it sounds a bit stuffy at times, though. (Please don't hurt me!) Still, I think you've balanced your vocabulary nicely; by that I mean you've used a selection of words that are advanced and sophisticated without being so obscure that it alienates readers. I can't imagine sticking around for the whole thing if I was bogged down with flipping through a dictionary each time I finished a few sentences. So good job with that. ^^;

Plotwise? I can't say yet, because not a whole lot has happened as I see it, but the narrative definitely managed to keep my attention. That's probably as good a sign as any for the moment. And you did a fine job at setting the mood to boot. You say you'll be incorporating Nietzsche into this as well, eh? From what little I remember of him, I can see that possibly working in a number of ways. I'll admit I'm interested in seeing what direction you choose to take it. No spoilers, though! >:O

The thing that probably surprised me most is the setting. I must ask: why Japan? Is it because the regions from the games are loosely based on existing Japanese locations? Not to say this is a problem, of course; it just caught me a little off guard.

There are a few other minor things too, but they have to do with personal preference and are therefore irrelevant. It's your story; you should write about what you want, regardless of what other people think.

In short, good job. I'll keep reading if you keep writing. I get the feeling that the really good stuff hasn't even been touched on just yet.

And that's it. Hopefully this is meaningful to ya!
 

PsiUmbreon

Well-Known Member
OMT, Eszett wrote a fanfic? *grabs dictionary*

JK it wasn't that bad... just barely at around my vocabulary level I'd say. I was worried you'd make it too complicated but I was pleasantly surprised that you didn't. XD

Anywho, interesting how you fused real life locations with Pokémon. My guess as to the setting would be around where you live. And keep it up, I hope to see more out of you and this fic.
 

Hahahabvc87

Always watching...
Gah! How wonderfully laid out this first chapter is!

I sense that your words have been chosen very carefully to create a strong atmosphere suiting the current event. "Emotionally touching and vivid in detail" is how I would describe it.

Well, I'm not quite sure what to say of the use of real places in a pokemon world; I'm not quite used to it, so I'm afraid I can't give you an honest opinion just yet.

Side note: the first time I read the word "ampitheater" I thought it was "armpit-heater" o_O"
Then, I realized it was supposed to be "ampi-theater". ROFL at my mistake. XD
 

Atoyont

Brains for brawn
Quite fantastic, I must say. I do look forward to reading more of it. Surprisingly reminicient of the way that J. K. Rowling writes; by that, I mean an exciting atmosphere from the very beginning, ensuring the audience's complete attention for the entire story. And though I don't believe in Darwininan evolution, I have no objection to it; indeed, I try to respect other's opinions. Don't keep us waiting too long, but make sure to write the literature to the best of your abilities.

Just a side note: Kasumi is Misty's name in Japanese; if any Anime fans read this, they might get a tad confused.
 

Eszett

one love
Josh, I'm glad that you're so compelled by the story. Trust me, though, it's going to kick into high gear soon enough.

Cacophony, where does it feel stuffy? Mind you, I don't feel this to be a very action-packed chapter and so I can expect the descriptions to be a bit tedious, especially compared to the next chapter which I hope to finish by tomorrow. And, while I selected Japan for the setting, I chose it rather ambivalently, yet there is some rhyme and reason behind it that I don't want to get into lest I give away some spoiler.

Greg, nah, I don't live in Japan. :p See what I said to Cacophony in regard to my selection of that.

Hahahabvc87, hehe, I get that quite often. People have encouraged me to write a fanfic on account of my vocabulary, but as I might have stated I never got around to it. To explain the use of real places in the Pokemon world - or, rather, incorporating Pokemon into the real world - would give away too much so I'm holding on answering that now.

T Lord, I never read any of her books (I stopped reading Harry Potter after the first chapter of the first book, alas :() but I'll take your word for it. And on the note of Kasumi, no wonder that name sounded familiar to me. I changed it to Miko.

Everyone, thanks for your comments. Someone is going to scold me for not writing a chapter soon, so it should be coming.
 
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Atoyont

Brains for brawn
I forgot to say that the first chapters of JKR's books are rather boring. Stick it out, though, and you'll find a wealth of humor, intelligence, fantasy, realism (emotions mostly), mystery, and action, all woven into one beautiful package. I also stopped reading after the first chapter once. I gave it another chance, though. You should, too, at least if you like fantasy.

Back on topic: Keep it up. That name change will help, too.
 

Eszett

one love
Oh boy a new chapter. Check it out, I needed to up the rating so you know it'll be juicy. Trust me, this'll tie into Pokemon by the fourth chapter or something.

¯~-._ Chapter 2: A Tricky Onset _.-~¯

I got myself sufficiently relaxed to prepare for what he wanted to tell me. The sun, ruddy and searing, hung straight above me, its blinding light shielded from me by the roof of the patio. He took a seat beside me in the flimsy-looking bamboo chair with the hard cushion that I loathed to sit in as a child, but considering his constant usage of it he wore in the cushion so as to make it comfortable for him. My mind, captured in wanderlust about this minutia, finally returned to reality when his entrancing yet commanding voice broke the silence.

"Good, it delights me that you possess such alacrity and finesse. This is a tale that spans deep into our origins, one that delves where the written word cannot penetrate and where the spoken word remains forgotten to all except a single individual. By ancient tradition, the eldest member of our family line recited this story to his granddaughter, whom he instructed to pass on to her oldest grandchild, advising her to tell this new story-bearer to do likewise. I have come at last to possess knowledge of this adventure, and now that my day is near it is your turn to learn of this fascinating journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all goes back to ancient Africa, where animals trekked through the lush jungles and attempted their best to gain the upper edge on each other. For centuries upon centuries, perhaps even millennia, no one species of creature was able to gain a true upper edge on each other. Some would develop sharper claws over the generations, while other would gain more dexterity that allowed them to sweep over the verdant canopy, taking care not to snap the branches of any trees. Even so, advantages came and went, and thus the animals lived in fear of each other, yet with a bitter desire to achieve some form of dominance.

Early in these days, several wars between the animals would rage. It was often the felines versus the primates, or the insects in their massive swarms against everything else in the jungles. Where lines of species collided, soldiers suffered casualties. In one horrific incident, after a young chimpanzee had dismantled a hive of wasps, they instantly left their tattered home and attacked the innocent invader, dealing him a prompt and painful death. After this horrific incident, which resulted in the youngling's mother lamenting for days on end, this motley crew had haphazardly swarmed to the tree of the baboon elder, barging into its thick of leaves and repeatedly jabbing him with their vicious, poised stingers, all while he was asleep. In a furious rage, he woke up and tried to swat the legions away with his hands, but alas he perished as well to these attacks.

And thus feuds would rage in these jungles, lacking organization or purpose and dragging nearly every member of the forest into them. As the baboons noticed the death of their elder and the many sting marks that littered his body, each of them made way to ransack the hives of the wasps in a petty attempt for revenge. The chimpanzees had done likewise of their own accord, but only because a particularly vainglorious and swarthy member of their clan had smashed the partially opened nest from the youngling into pieces. With these squabbles erupting, the wasps who became increasingly affected by these stings began attacking other individuals presumably for preventative measures, but this only kicked up more dust into the growing sandstorm.

By the next dayfall, the cheetahs and parrots had joined this conflict, the former pouncing up trees to attack baboons and wasp nests alike, with the former dive-bombing at chimpanzees and even digging into ant mounds. Irritated by these provocations, the queens of each residence called upon their reserves, giving them the chemical signal to proliferate all about the floor of the forest, taking up whatever they may find in it. This did little to alleviate the situation of the macaws; indeed, it only worsened it as the homes were no longer kept safe by the reserves. In the meantime, those ants that were dispatched proved to be a mere nuisance for the felines that prowled the terrain, yet a few particularly sensitive cats made it their duty to completely mutilate these mounds, killing the queen inside.

Angered at this noisy display, the elephants on the outskirts of the forest charged in to clear up the ruckus, but despite their size and power they proved to be of little value in ending this dispute quickly. Indeed, their relative slowness made them an easy target for the wasps and remaining ants alike, who would ensnare each of them from the top and bottom, respectively, giving them a duel dosage of venom. More often, they served as platforms on which these spontaneous warriors would conduct their quarrels, chimpanzees leaping onto the broad, gray landings to throw hard-shelled fruits at the cheetahs below, the newly-joining lions climbing up them, ripping into their flesh with their fierce nails to attack the primates from their perch above. Every so often, an elephant would succumb to the toxins and blood loss, collapsing to the ground, taking every creature that stood on its back by surprise. In addition, their mass spelled a messy death to whatever lay in its wake, and by this method many elephants posthumously took the lives of rodents and snakes that they had happened to fall upon.

Soon enough, nearly every creature was engaged in this gruesome conflict, which now spanned from coast to coast and had engulfed almost every part of the continent in bloodshed, a few sparse savanna areas being spared from this prime display of brutality. Nobody remembered why this conflict had started, nor did they even care for that matter: as long as one member of their species was fighting against others, all the others felt it fit to do so as well. By this method, innocent bystanders rapidly converted into full-time fighters, clobbering whatever they could find that was in proximity of them.

After a week of bitter struggles, the factions soon met dissension amongst their own ranks as the strongest and most truculent members, lusting to kill even after all of their murderous deeds, lay arms on their own kindred, giving them a traumatizing display of power that shocked even members of other species. The armies, shrinking from within themselves as these ruthless individuals injected vignettes of violence into their own legions in their last moments of life, proved to be the only thing that eventually led to this incredible struggle dying down. Soon enough, no member of any species was strong enough to deliver a single blow to anything, and the former belligerents were mollified upon noticing just how many corpses of their comrades lay in the field, festering with flies. Everyone retreated back to their homes with sullen expressions, thoughts of lamentation brewing in their minds.

This whole feud was the culmination of many smaller skirmishes that broke out in years past, and while the testimony of such events had long since returned to the earth, it left such an impression on the creatures engaged in it that the aftermath of each one was at least recognized by the upcoming generation. Yet, after some time, the battles stopped, and a uneasy peace that lasted for centuries on end throughout all of the continent, as species mainly kept to themselves and tended to the needs of their children. During this hiatus, it seemed that the memories of the past had faded, yet the feelings remained the same. Thus, from an innocent yet naive act of exploration, some seventy percent of all the animals in Africa perished.

What primarily led these endeavors to become fruitless each and every time was not any deficiency in the physical build of the creatures involved or the weapons they possessed, but rather the lack of any organization. Relying on ancient instincts from when animals first developed on Earth, creatures simply did what the most boisterous members of their species were doing. When one or two wasps decided to have joyrides stinging hapless mammals, all the others followed suit, which attracted the attention of yet other communities of wasps hailing from other nests. Even more frightening than this mob mentality was that no creature in the forest was ever aware of it, which only led to more fights without learning any lessons.

Yet, peering silently from behind the leaves, one anointed individual gathered a wealth of knowledge during this war from within his many hiding spots. This young chimpanzee led an unfortunate life up until this point, for after his birth he was scorned for being especially physically weak while possessing an noticeably larger head. Nevertheless, his mother reluctantly tried to take care of him, but her feeble facilities of judgment got the best of her as several adult chimpanzees mustered the chutzpah to spit on this child. Seeing error in her ways, his mother joined in on this public humiliation, shattering his world as the one individual upon which he rested faith betrayed her motives. Thereafter, the adults ostracized him from the community, who had been forever marred by this terrible experience.

What the others did not realize is that his strange head lent him to powers of cognition beyond their wildest dreams, leading him to remain calm and collected in his indefinite exile. Since he lacked tremendous physical facilities, he spent much of his time musing pensively about himself and the others, taking residence in a thick banana tree that was largely isolated from its peers, trying to rationalize what was it that made him so different from the rest of his species. From this perch he allowed himself to see as much of the world he wanted, though before the war he rarely used this privilege, disgusted by the slovenly conduct of his dull-witted peers. However, upon hearing the breakout of war, he instantly drew his attention from his musings to take a peek at the war, fashioning a mask of leaves so that he would not blow his cover and be dragged in himself. He had almost watched through the entire event without eating or simply even blinking, captivated by this grand yet awful display of wanton power.

Yet, from deep within him, he hearkened upon a strange desire: he knew that he was different and arguably better than those on whom he bore visage, who were foolishly sacrificing themselves to a humid and sanguine culling, but nevertheless he wanted to be a part of this action. Knowing very well that he would be ripped into pieces were he to jump from his sanctuary and charge into the battlefield, he spent a good deal thinking about how to integrate himself into this action. Then, with nary a suggestion in his mind towards it, he had spontaneously developed a very rudimentary grammar for himself to use, using images of terms to connect concepts in sets of two lexemes, giving him the ability to finally come to terms with his ultimate goal.

Them fool! he thought to himself, pointing a finger from behind the bushes to the homestead of his species. Me smart! he strung together, directing that finger to his chest and poking into it a trifle. Lastly, he formed the culminating thought in his newfangled discovery of imagery language: after uttering these two thoughts, from within his throat emerged a voiceless stream of air, which he managed to manipulate using his tongue and lips to produce a string of phonemes: the first protolanguage.

"hwa" - pointing to himself - "ho!" - thrusting his hands from his large head to the chimpanzees. His mind raged: Me use! Me use!

It gave Hwa great pleasure to know that he could finally make himself useful - and he was intent on salvaging all the perks his plan would provide him.
 
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W

Who knows

Guest
Review

PRO:-

1. Good command over English
2. Good description
3. Great atmosphere
4. Nice title



CON:-
1. Grammar and spelling mistakes
2. Average plot



What should you do?

- Get a good word-editor either MS word or open-office. You have made lot of spelling and grammar mistakes; it lowers the richness of the fic.
- The average plot is not bad If you can fix This mistakes





Final Rating:
7.8/10 [If you didn’t have the grammar and spelling mistakes, the rating could be around 8.5/10]


Comments: Really a nice fic, if you cold solve those spelling and grammar mistakes, it will be a great fic and I am going to keep an eye on this fic.
 

Omega Pirate

shove it up ya bum!
I just read the first chapter and was blown away. I find it hard to find a fic. I can actually get into and enjoy reading and already I can do this with yours. I see what people mean when they speak so highly of your vocabulary. :S

I see the second chapter is up so I shall have to read it now.
Hope its as good as the first.
 
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Cacophony

Well-Known Member
New chapter, huh? But first I'll get this out of the way:

Cacophony, where does it feel stuffy?

I thought about this, and I think the problem may lie within my own personal conditioning to certain uses of language more than anything. It's just that to me, whenever I hear people saying things like "May the gods bless you, fine souls!" in my own life it is always used for comedic effect, and is suitably exaggerated and overblown as a result, so that's what I've grown accustomed to. This makes it inherently difficult for me to take such language seriously; I'll read it, then the words are played back in my head with this loud, boisterous voice full of mock self-importance. There's no flaw to your writing, the issue rests in how I internalize it. That's my explanation, at least, and I'll try not to let it get in the way of my reading. So, uh...yeah. >>;

Okay, now onto Chapter Two. It was definitely unexpected, that's for sure. Random thoughts:

The mindless, murderous anarchy surrounding the various animals was described in good detail. I don't think it got gory enough or whatever to necessarily warrant a PG-13 rating, but there was a good mix of vocabulary with a destructive feel to it. (This doesn't mean that arbitrary focus on gore and bloodshed is required, or even wanted for that matter.)

It takes place in Africa, but macaws are exclusively found in the New World... *shot for being needlessly pedantic*

Nietzsche lives, if I'm not mistaken! I'm assuming the next chapter revolves around Übermensch Chimpy's master plan, whatever it is? Though I have no idea how he'll actually pull it off... Realistically, I think the larger group of chimps could very well maul him to death on sight, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see. :/

I did see one glaring typo:

The chimpanzess had done likewise of their own accord, but only because a particularly vainglorious and swarthy member of their clan had smashed the partially opened nest from the youngling into pieces.

I dunno about other spelling/grammar problems, but if there are any they escaped my attention. I'm not about to go proofreading, though. Way too lazy.

Not too much else to say other than that, though it is getting more interesting. Good job, keep it up and whatnot. The usual. :)
 

Eszett

one love
Who knows: I used a new word processor to write the second chapter - OpenOffice.org if you must know. Regrettably I don't have Word but this will suffice since it's essentially the same thing as Office, but it's free and non-Microsoft. :p Apparently I did not have the auto-spellcheck turned on, and since I'm so accustomed to using it I was under the impression that I didn't have any errors.

Anyways, I went back and picked up on all the errors present there as well as enabling that feature. It should flow more fluidly now that I got rid of that part.

As for the average plot, it doesn't seem like much now, but I assure you that's it going to go places. It might seem slow right now and not leading up to anything, but this is merely the means in which I would like to write this story: I'm building up the plot as I go along rather than flinging you directly into the action, though admittedly many would argue that there is sufficient action within this second chapter.

Cacophony: Hmm...well, I can't do anything about the way you perceive that besides going back and changing the phrase.

Koji is meant to be moved to emotional tears in this scene. Essentially, it's like he approaching nirvana, and I tried to use "uttered" to create a rather plain tone of voice as opposed to a flamboyant, pompous one. Feh.

I did the rating change for safe measure lest this novel becomes incredibly brutal in the future, although I feel that this step warranted a slight bumping in the rating. I might include what sorts of graphic content are contained in each chapter before the chapter itself.

And fine, I changed it to parrots.

Thanks once again for the comments.
 

Hahahabvc87

Always watching...
Hm... all this massacre over a mistake by a young chimpanzee. I must say, this is truly disheartening. The irony is that a chimpanzee would be the first to wield the power of knowledge, escaping the instincts which have driven his race for eons!

Your vocabulary is probably the deepest I have seen yet (mine is already considered expansive, yet I still fail to grasp the meaning of a few words in the last chapter). Along with your style of writing, it gives your story an air of importance as if it were spoken from the very mouth of history itself. However, this also causes the plot to be rather slow-moving, and people might get bored after reading a few long chapters.

I'm interested in what's going to happen next, so please do continue this wonderful tale in the near future!
 

Angeling

true love
Eszett[url=http://www.serebiiforums.com/member.php?u=31507 said:
Someone[/url] is going to scold me for not writing a chapter soon, so it should be coming.
Indeed you are correct on that. ;p Not only will that "someone" scold you, but so will that "someone" kick you.

Anyway, nice chapter as I finally got to read it. :D It was sort of in a hurry, but well-written description of what was going on, so readers could envision what was happening. It almost reminded me of the eighth movie, but I figured it couldn't be too alike, right? Then I did get some points from Darwin in there. Unfortunate that I don't recall a thing about Nietzsche.

Wonderfully done again, kitty. Keep it up, or I'll go down there personally just to kick you. ;/
 
captivated by this grand yet awful display of wanton power.
I liked the way you used that phrase a lot.

Interesting chapter. There isn't a lot to say, as I thought the use of adjectives, and the image that I got from the writing was rather well done. As ever, looking forward to what's coming up next.

-Josh
 

Omega Pirate

shove it up ya bum!
As I said, I would come back to read the second chapter. And that I did. I can't even guess at where this fic is leading, you've switched parallels incredibly fast. Not that this is a bad thing.

Some things that confused me; I find it hard to believe these animals withstand such intelligence, they have formed their own armies. The insects especially, and yet they seem surprised when the Elephants fall over/onto them. Unless I'm missing something important.
 
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