Lisa the Legend

[Gavin Luper]

Hi there people. Just thought I'd post my fic here.

Cheers!

- Gavin.

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Lisa the Legend​

Quest for the Legendary Pokemon ...

Prologue


"And a 12 year old boy reported sighting the mysterious Pokemon Suicune today. The boy and his friend were training pokemon outside the Burned Tower. They are the third this week to report seeing the legendary Pokemon. Police in Ecruteak are treating the reporting as possible but have declined any confirmation. In other news a man has pleaded not guilty to mistreating a Magmar at the ..."

Sitting at the bar-stool at the kitchen bench, Lisa Walters craned her neck to the side to see the large television set in the carpeted lounge room. She munched on her cereal as she watched, interested. And at the same time, she murmured quietly to herself "Could the legendary pokemon ... be so near?"

Tom, Lisa's older brother, entered the cramped kitchen/family room, carrying a backpack. Tom was meant to be babysitting Lisa and her younger siblings, Wesley and Jean, while their parents travelled around Kanto for two months, studying Omanyte fossils or something like that. Lisa didn't see the sense of it, but all the same, it brought in good money for the family. Lisa's parents had already got enough money from the job they began not three weeks ago that they had bought Lisa an Aipom - her very own Pokemon!

" You kids are alright for today," Tom stated. " I'm going to the gym for some training."

Tom was a gym trainer at the Ecruteak Gym. Tom, who was 18, did not live at home. Instead, he shared an apartment with his girlfriend Miki, on the other side of town. Tom was staying at Lisa's house for a few days until they became used to the fact that their parents were away, then he was required to check on them twice a day.

Lisa sighed as she finished her cereal and drained her glass of orange juice. Finally she turned to Tom and said, in a rather bitter voice: " OK then, have fun."

Her bitterness was as could be expected from a young, budding trainer who had a poor way of accepting defeat. Lisa had attempted to fight the gym trainers many times, but her Pokemon simply wasn't strong enough. Her Aipom was unable to leave even a scratch on the Ghost Pokemon in the gym, no matter what attacks she used.

So why didn't she catch more pokemon? Lisa's parents were quite strict, and no matter how much Lisa pleaded, they were not going to let their 14 year old daughter roam the cities and fields of Johto, a wide and vastly unexplored county. Although she greatly wished she could, her moral restraints drilled into her from birth seems to tug her back each time her mind wandered. But she often longed to roam the fields, forests and oceans of the country.

" Lisa, are you listening to me?" Tom broke into Lisa's thoughts.

" Sorry, Tom. Go on," Lisa said, standing up and clattering her bowl and glass into the sink, and absent-mindedly turning the taps on heavily. She rolled up her sleeves, brushed a tendril of shiny ebony hair from her eyes and plunged her hands into the warm water.

" I said could you take care of the kids today?" Tom said, impatiently. He was obviously itching to battle trainers at the Gym. " After you wash the dishes, of course."

" Sure," replied Lisa, vaguely at first before realising what she had just agreed to. "I'll look after 'em for you."

" Thanks, Leese," Tom said in a rushed voice. " Seeya at lunch time."

Tom raced through the kitchen, to the entrance in a blur. The front door slammed shut. The second Lisa heard Tom's car pull out of the drive, she tied her bandana onto her head and ran upstairs to her room, forgetting about the dishes. Her bedroom was a large, airy room, the source of light being a sliding door which led onto a balcony. Lisa ignored the beauty of her room, as her mind rejected the thought of babysitting her younger siblings.

" Wes! Jean!" Lisa bellowed, slipping her sneakers onto her feet. She took her pokegear and hung it around her neck, like a necklace. It was the substitute for the necklace she lost a few days ago, and she rarely used it until then. But now, she had to.

Lisa had a plan.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Oooh. Well, at first, I was unimpressed, but then I reread the bit (yah, I'm a sloppy reader) where it explained that she had an Aipom and was a failed trainer. For a moment, I'd been thinking she was going to get Suicune as her starter and go off and defeat everyone... I like this version HEAPS better. Aipom is SO underrated.

Anyway, I'm a suspicious of the whole 'necklace' thing. It could be that it was a random reference and will never be mentioned again. Or it could be that the presumed jewellery was in fact something SPESHUL and will attract teh Legendary. *has read too many fics like that for comfort*

The main formatting issues were the use of numbers instead of words (ie: 12 instead of twelve). Don't be slack! Just that little bit more effort and your story looks a whole lot more professional. The other format error was the space after each " before the text. No need for that. Just "have the character say something" will be fine.

Apart from that, well done. Nicely spaced paragraphs and touches or realism. I hope we meet that Aipom soon. For some reason, I picture Aipoms as being real extroverts. Should be a great character!

PM me when the next chapter goes up, eh? Thanks! Good luck and have fun!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Guitar dude bill]

OK. On a negative basis
This has pretty much NO description. You didn't describe the trainers, or explain what gym trainers are. We know yeah. You still need to describe them. In grammar. Your spacing speech marks and the words. Not correct grammar!
On a positive basis
A good and intersting plot. I'm interested what the plot will turn into. Original. I've never seen a fic that has a similar plot. It has a good cliffhanger. Written well. So I think this fic is quite good.

 

[Gavin Luper]

Thanks for the replies.

As for the criticisms ... there's more description in future chapters. The spacing with the quotation marks is simply how I've always written this fic; it's not going to be changing, correct or not. As for the use of numbers ie "12 instead of twelve", that's rectified in future chapters, just not yet. And I can't be bothered editing it all for something that insignificant.

Thanks for reading! Here's chapter one! Ignore the iffy paragraphing in some parts ^^.

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Chapter 1 – Adventure in the Burned Tower.


Wesley, a cheeky 12 year old boy, and Jean, an even cheekier 10 year old girl stormed into Lisa’s bedroom.

“ Yeah, what is it?” snapped Wesley. “ Hurry up Lisa, an elite four battle is on TV.”

Lisa ignored him. “ Nanna’s coming to look after you today.”

“ That old bat?” Jean laughed rudely, picturing her ancient, wrinkly grandmother who lived in a elderly home on Tower Street. “ Since when has she been looking after us?”

“ Since now.” Lisa said. “ I’m going for a … walk.”

“ Where to?” Wesley asked. “ Come on, Leese, Koga could be on his last Pokemon by now!”

“ OK, OK,” Lisa said. “ I’m going to the Burned Tower to do a little training with –”

“ Ah-ma!” Jean called in a five year old voice. “ I’m telling!”

“ Who are you gonna tell?” Lisa said, trying to look as smug as possible. “ Nanna won’t mind at all, and Tom’s at the gym. So nyaaa!” Lisa poked her tongue at her younger siblings contentedly.

Jean paused for a moment; Lisa could almost see the cogs turning over in her head. “ I’ll ring Mum and Dad,” she claimed at last. Wesley nodded in agreement, then strained his ears to hear any noise from the Elite Four battle on the downstairs TV.

“ One step ahead of ya,” Lisa said, once again with a smug look. “ Right now they’re in Mt Moon – no mobile phone coverage. They’re probably knee deep in Omanyte by now anyway.”

Wesley and Jean knew they were beaten. Wesley quickly retreated to the lounge room, and Jean tramped quietly to her bedroom, with a final “ It’s not fair!”

Lisa watched as they left. Alright! She thought to herself, nothing stands in my way, except maybe getting Nanna to come …

*​

One hour later, Lisa was strolling down the road to the Burned Tower. That tower has a really odd past, Lisa thought to herself, as she threw Aipom’s pokeball up and down in her hands.

Almost 750 years ago, two towers were built in Ecruteak City to signify the importance of Pokemon in Johto. One tower was in the west, The Brass Tower, and one in the East, the Tin Tower. Two majestic, flying pokemon lived at the top of the towers. They were rarely ever seen by humans, and one was rumoured to be a glittery phoenix pokemon known only as “ Ho-oh”. 600 years after the construction of the towers, the Brass Tower was caught in a blaze of fire that burned the tower and reduced it to almost rubble. The pokemon at the top had flown away, never seen again.

Lisa brought her mind back to the present day. She found herself standing outside of the burned Tower, fiddling nervously with Aipom’s pokeball.

“ Alright, Aipom!” Lisa called. “ Come out!” Lisa opened the pokeball in a flash of light. Aipom leapt out, and perched itself on Lisa’s shoulder. “ Thanks Aipom,” Lisa said. “ I felt kinda scared next to this tower.”

Lisa stood in the shadow of the building and looked up. Even an Onix was dwarfed by the tower, which had had many of it’s levels burned down. Lisa felt like some form of bug in comparison.

“ Ai!” Aipom said; Lisa had no idea what he meant.
“ You’re right,” she replied. “ Let’s just go in.”

The girl placed her hand on the wooden door and pushed it open. The door had not been replaced since the inferno so many years ago, and the splintered door creaked open.

The tower’s insides were extremely dark and dreary.

“ Um.. maybe we should go back out.” Lisa said slowly.

“ Ai!” Aipom shook it’s head. Lisa undertsood him now; he was determined to keep going.

“ Alright.” Lisa said reluctantly. “ Let’s move on then.”

After a minute or two of silent walking, the two friends stopped in a corner.

“ Maybe we’ll see Suicune, the legendary pokemon.” Lisa wondered aloud. “ It’s meant to be really bright and glowing.”

The floorboards creaked under Lisa as she stepped cautiously along. Suddenly Lisa glimpsed a light up ahead.

“ S- Suicune?” Lisa asked, almost timidly.

“ Nope.” A voice said. “ Unless you think I’m legendary too.”

A male figure stepped out of the gloom. “ I’m a fire breather,” he said. “ Name’s Ray.”

The man who had appeared was quite plump. He had a bald, egg-like head and wore a very ugly red clown-like suit.

“ Lisa,” Lisa said, shaking hands with the man. “ Uh … Do you train Pokemon?”

“ Sure do,” Ray said. “ I have a Charmeleon and a Koffing.”

“ Would you like to battle me and Aipom?” Lisa asked. “ We came here to train.”

“ Alrighty then,” Ray said. “ I choose Koffing.”

“ Go Aipom!” Lisa cried, quickly pointing out at the wood-panelled floor before her.

“ Ai po!” Aipom leapt out to face Ray’s Koffing, which appeared in a flash of radient white light. The Koffing didn’t look very healthy; it’s mouth was hanging open in a sick kind of way, while one eye was half-closed and looked bruised. Lisa grimaced; she couldn’t be sure, but it seemed that Ray’s Koffing was intoxicated by its own gases.

“ Koffing – Tackle attack,” called Ray suddenly, catching Lisa off-guard.

“ How pathetic,” Lisa said, without even thinking. “ Oops… did I say that aloud?”

“ Uh huh.” Ray said, with an annoyed look. “ Um… you’d better tell your Aipom to do something.”

“ Huh?” Lisa said, turning her attention to the battle. Koffing was relentlessly slamming into poor Aipom, who was squeaking in pain.

“ Aaah!” Lisa cried, annoyed at the loss of battle time. “ Um, Aipom, Doubleslap attack – and then Swift.”

“ Ai!” Aipom squealed, slapping Koffing into a spin with it’s odd tail rapidly. Then, seamlessly, Aipom finished the Doubleslap and launched into the Swift Technique. Dozens of ivory-coloured, luminous stars appeared before Aipom and shot out at Koffing in a barrage of light.

“ Pom!” declared Aipom triumphantly, as the light from the stars subsided. Koffing was revealed to be fainted, lying flat on his back.

“ Return!” Ray called bitterly.

As Koffing was snuffled up into it’s pokeball, Lisa and Aipom rejoiced. “ We finally won a battle! All our training at the park last week paid off!”

“ Ai pom!”

Ray turned to Lisa. “ Koffing was my weakest Pokemon – so now here’s my strongest. Go Charmeleon!”

Lisa cringed, as the crimson lizard-like pokemon jumped onto the wooden floor and leered overbearingly at the comparatively small Aipom. “ Come on Aipom – use your Agility.”

“ Pom!” Aipom cried, running swiftly in circles around Charmeleon, who quickly became confused.

“ Charmeleon, close your eyes. Don’t try to watch it,” Ray ordered sternly, not going to give up at all. Lisa eyed him carefully. Ray didn’t seem very concerned yet, maybe Charmeleon really was strong after all?

“ Char!” Charmeleon said in a deep voice. The fire lizard closed it’s eyelids and soon got its sense back.

“ Aipom, stop with the agility, and try Swift again,” Lisa ordered. Ray’s calmness in this round was beginning to unnerve her, maybe he had a secret weapon of some kind?

“ Pom!” Aipom skidded to a halt and launched another series of stars, which slammed into the unsuspecting Charmeleon.

“ Me!” Charmeleon cried in pain.
“ Charmeleon, Flamethrower.” Ray cried. “ Full power.”
“ Char!” Charmeleon said, opening it’s mouth and absorbing fire from the inner parts of it’s body. A huge fireball began forming.

So, Lisa thought, I was right. He does have a secret weapon.“ Aipom – Quick attack.” Lisa cried hurriedly. If the flamethrower hit Aipom the battle would probably be over. Aipom sprinted on all fours at the powerful Charmeleon, and slammed into it just before the flames were launched. However, when Charmeleon tumbled over, it opened it’s mouth and the flamethrower poured out in a gush, knocking Aipom over.

“ Aipom!” Lisa cried instinctively. Aipom had been so good. Lisa couldn’t stand losing in anything, especially not a battle.
“ Charmeleon!” Ray cried.

The smoke cleared, revealing an unconscious Charmeleon, and a very weak Aipom.
“ Aipom we won!” Lisa cried.
“ Ai!” Aipom cried, running up to Lisa and hugging her.

Ray recalled his Charmeleon.
“ You’re a really skilled trainer.” He said slowly, as though struggling to congratulate her. “ I hope you win plenty more battles.”
“ Thanks Ray.” Lisa called after the man as he walked out of the tower.
“ Welcome.” Ray called back, sounding a little more relaxed.

Lisa looked around and found herself all alone once again. “ Well, Aipom, I don’t think there are any more Pokemon or trainers in here.” Lisa said. “ Let’s go … oh!”

The ground beneath Lisa and Aipom suddenly gave way and disappeared beneath them.

“ Uh oh.” Lisa said in a small voice, before plummeting to the basement.

The girl and her pokemon landed with a thud in the ancient basement, a cluster of wood panels and dust on top of them. Coughing, Lisa threw off the planks of wood. “ Oww,” she moaned, rubbing her head. “ Hey, Aipom, look!”

Lisa sat up and looked around the old basement – it was not nearly as dark as it should have been. Aipom and Lisa fixed their eyes on a mysterious glow coming from a platform a few metres away. There were what appeared to be three strange pokemon there. One was yellow, one red and one blue. Lisa immediately recognised the blue one from the news report earlier that morning, and she gasped in shock, surprise and awe.

“ Suicune!” Lisa yelled. “ It’s the legendary Pokemon!”

The three creatures turned to Lisa, and gave her such an odd look that Lisa felt like her feet were rooted to the spot. Suddenly, the yellow creature dashed away to the left with a look of surprise, and the red one to the right, with a look of mild anger. Suicune looked at Lisa for a moment, then prepared to run away also.

“ No, Suicune!” Lisa called, feeling a sudden desire to see more of Suicune; to learn about it, especially after the news report that morning. “ I can’t let you get away!”

She had taken only two steps when Aipom ran up to Suicune and grabbed hold of it’s glowing aurora fur. “ Aipom wait!” Lisa yelled, pulling her feet off the ground and leaping onto Suicune’s back. She grabbed hold of both Suicune and Aipom, as the legendary pokemon leapt through the wooden walls of the basement, and south, out of Ecruteak.

 

[Hoenn Warrior]

This story is pretty good. The plot in it is also good . Looks like Lisa is going on that Pokemon Journey despite her parents permission thanks to Suicune. Are you excepting any new characters in your story, if you are I have one you could use.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Mmmm. Well, I'll start by saying that the formatting errors I mentioned in last review are not insignificant. A lot of people are REALLY turned off by the presence of numbers instead of words. Basically, these are all just things that deviate from accepted formatting - and any deviations are a distraction from the content of your story. If your reader is too busy thinking 'oh lookie! I can't believe the author did that!', they're not going to have much time for what your'e actually trying to convey to them.

Another thing that people tend to get annoyed at are Legendaries. What the common perception tends to be is that Legendaries are the 'ultimate' pokemon - beasts of almost undefeatable strength and ability. If a newbie trainer (Lisa, although she's had the Aipom for a while, is definitely not 'Legendary catching' material. You said yourself she's not that capable.) gets a Legendary, it just looks silly. Unless the Legendary was playing with the little human, why would they submit themselves to such a puny master? And in the circumstance you just described, I'm assuming that Suicune is playing along with Lisa and Aipom. I mean, the Legendary dogs are described as being among the fastest pokemon in existence. Like they wouldn't have time to run away form a stunned human.

Anyway, your characters are certainly coming along. The younger siblings in particular are shaping up to be selfish and rude. And for a change in the newer fics I've read, I'm getting a sense that the main character and the pokemon they've supposedly had for ages are close. It's rarer than you'd think, despite the fact that it seems to follow logic.

Overall, I'd say that you might be on a winner here. What happens next, though, will be a telling moment in your story. At the moment, you have a newbie trainer on the back of a Legendary. Interesting to see the outcome... Good luck and have fun with next chapter! PM me when you next update? Thanks. And MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Gavin Luper]

Hoenn Warrior: Thanks very much for reading and replying. I don't accept other people's characters in my story though, sorry; it's my own original work.

Pinecone Tortoise: Not once have I said that Lisa will catch a Legendary pokémon. Be careful about making assumptions like that, because it might make you look extremely foolish.

I do welcome criticism, but only if it is really constructive; criticism of a story's plot is rarely useful. When reading a fic, it's expected of a reader to accept the world they are being offered (within reason) and not question its basis. This story, while initially centering on pokémon, defies a lot of the "facts" that you might rely on. So just keep that in mind when reading.

As for the formatting, I disagree with you on its importance.

I just thought I should also point out that this isn't a "new fic", it's been going for over four years and I'm close to finishing the second book of Lisa the Legend.

As for PMs, I can't be bothered messaging people when chapters are done, it's easy enough to check the thread, I'm sure.

Thanks for the comments and Merry Christmas to you too.

Here's chapter two!

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Chapter 2 – Lisa’s Quest Begins.


“ Aipom, keep hanging on!” Lisa yelled, as the wind blew her bandana off and released her long black hair into her face, obscuring her eyes.

“ Ai!” Aipom called back, it’s tense tail holding onto Suicune for dear life.

Suicune was faster than any car on the Ecruteak Expressway. Lisa was sure that it never became tired at all, and it hadn’t stopped once in the whole hour Lisa had been on the mysterious creature’s back. Lisa was wondering when they would stop. Suicune just kept going relentlessly, but despite Lisa’s concern of where she was going, it was a very different experience for her.

“ We must be half way to Azalea by now.” Lisa thought to herself. “ Well, at least I can say I’ve seen Suicune. This is pretty exciting I spose.”

Suicune raced along through the forest, not actually wanting to shake off his passengers. He needed them … he just needed to see what to do about them. His mouth was drying up after the hour-long pelt, and he veered away from the dense growth, and leapt into a nearby murky lake, and screeched to a halt. Lisa felt her body lurch forwards as she tumbled into the muck.

“ Ew!” she cried, wiping mud off of her clothes. “ This is gross.”
“ Ai.” Aipom nodded.

Suicune was at the shallower part of the lake, drinking extremely fast. All of a sudden, the brown water glowed and shimmered, and became crystal clear, and pure.

“ What.. was that?” Lisa wondered as her jaw dropped in awe.

“ Pom?” Aipom asked, watching as the water bubbled around him, turning from a deep, green-brown, to a pure, clear-blue hue.

“ This is really amazing.” Lisa said, slowly. “ Suicune has the ability to… cleanse water.” The 14 year old girl cupped her hands, let them slowly fill with the clear water, and drank gratefully. Aipom swam around playfully.

A few feet away from Lisa, where the water was still frothing, a tiny Pokemon appeared. It was a shiny blue colour and had no arms visible. Short grey spikes pointed from the sides of it’s oval head.
“ Woop?” It said in a squeaky voice.
“ Hey, that’s a Wooper.” Lisa told Aipom, who was glaring suspiciously at the newcomer.

Suicune was still drinking rapidly at the shore. Suddenly it looked up, and in the same instant Wooper used Water Gun, spraying the legendary; not damaging it in any way, if anything it was revitalising Suicune’s strength, but Suicune was still annoyed at an invader of it’s territory.

The Suicune opened it’s mouth and a silver orb appeared.
“ Uh oh.” Lisa said, wading over to Wooper and Aipom. “ It’s Ice Beam!”
“ Woop!”

Aipom was peering from behind Lisa’s shoulder, but Wooper was a very territorial Pokemon. It paddled over a few metres away from Suicune and let out another Water Gun. Suicune was even madder, and released a huge beam of Ice which engulfed Wooper in seconds. The tiny pokemon gave a frightened squeal, and sank into the lake.

“ Wooper!” Lisa yelled. “ Suicune! What were you thinking?”

Suicune was now in no mood to be told off. It glared up at Lisa before firing an Ice Beam that narrowly missed Lisa’s head. Then it began firing Ice beams every few seconds. One hit Wooper and knocked it out. Then, after one extremely inaccurate beam, Suicune leapt up into the air.

“ No, Suicune, don’t go!” Lisa yelled. In a last, desperate attempt to keep Suicune with her, Lisa threw a Pokeball at the legendary aurora Pokemon. The water type shrugged it off, and the pokeball fell down onto tiny Wooper, who turned red and dematerialised into the ball.

“ Hey …” Lisa said slowly, as the ball wobbled to and fro, and finally came to a halt, and rolled onto it’s inverse.

“ Ai?” Aipom said.

“ I … caught Wooper.” Lisa said, in a shaky voice that sounded nothing like her usual one. “ I caught another Pokemon!”

Lisa and Aipom jumped up and down, as Suicune’s aurora form glowed one last time, than dissolved into the lake.

“ Alright! What an easy catch!” Lisa said, reaching to pick up the pokeball, which was floating in the crystal lake. Lisa clipped the ball to her belt, made sure Aipom was on her shoulder, and began wading back to the shoreline. Then she turned back to where she last sighted Suicune, and realised he was gone. “ I’ll see you again, Suicune.” Lisa muttered to herself, barely conscious of what she was vowing. “ I didn’t know much about you before, and I still don’t. But I want to – I, I vow to find the secret of the you, and one day I WILL catch you, Suicune.”

“ Pom?” Aipom looked at Lisa strangely, and then began to laugh.

“ Quiet Aipom.” Lisa sighed, flicking playfully at it. “ You just ruined my dramatic moment.”

The two friends soon came to the shore.

“ We’d better go heal you guys at a Pokemon centre.” Lisa said, gleeful at having two Pokemon and vaguely reminding herself of a young male TV actor who once starred in a series ‘To Be a Master.’

Lisa flipped out her Pokegear and watched as the tiny screen said ‘Connecting to satellite’. Then a map appeared and Lisa discovered that she and Aipom were in fact only a few miles east of Goldenrod City.
“ Alright, Aipom.” Lisa cried. “ We’re off to Goldenrod.”

*​

“ Aipom, Doubleslap!”
“ Ai! Ai! Ai!” Aipom yelled, using it’s tail to slap the opposing trainer’s Psyduck.

“ Psyduck – Water Gun.” Anna, the trainer of Psyduck, cried. “ Don’t relent.”
“ Aipom, block it with Swift.” Lisa called.

Psyduck prepared for a Water Gun, but as the Pokemon’s speed was pretty pathetic, Aipom’s attack got in first, and knocked Psyduck of it’s feet. The Psychic Pokemon slowly recovered, and spurted a blast of Water at Aipom, who swiftly dodged.

“ Now finish this with Tackle.” Lisa ordered.
“ Aipom!” Aipom cried, throwing it’s body straight at Psyduck and fainting it, winning Lisa’s second battle.

“ Lisa, you’re really strong for a new trainer.” Anna said as she recalled Psyduck.
“ Thanks, Anna.” Lisa replied. “ Aipom and I used to train with wild Pokemon near Ecruteak.”
“ Ecruteak? You’ve come a loooong way.” Anna said, brushing burgundy hair from her eyes. “ How many badges do you have?”
“ None.” Lisa said. “ I’m not really on that sort of quest.. I’m actually more of a…. um…. Legendary pokemon Researcher.”

At this, Anna laughed. “ Legendary Pokemon aren’t real.” She said in a rather snobbish voice.
“ Sure they are.” Lisa said. “ I’ve seen three.”
“ Whatever.” Anna said. “ Well, take my advice; you should just earn badges. It’s easier and a lot more fun.”

The girl walked off into the forest with her nose in the air.
“ WHAT A SNOB!” Lisa yelled. “ Well, then, I’ll do the opposite of what she said. I’m going to not only find out about Suicune, but about every Legendary Pokemon there is.”

*​

Minutes later, Lisa came across a couple of trainers at a fork in the road. A young boy and girl, about two years younger than herself.

“ Excuse me.” The girl called to Lisa. “ Are we on the right track to Goldenrod?”

Lisa walked over to them. The girl had pale aqua hair, and wore Pokegear around her neck, like Lisa. The boy wore black and gold clothing, and a cap to match. He had messy black hair, and also had pokegear around his wrist.

“ Nope.” Lisa said, looking at the way they had been going. “ The right way is the path I’m taking.”

“ Thanks.” The girl replied thankfully. “ Now if some of us knew how to read a simple map … not mentioning any names … HIRO!”

“ Sorry!” the boy said. “ Well, Kris, it’s not my fault the Pokegear’s wrong.”

“ It’s not wrong, you’re wrong!” Kris yelled.

“ Um.. hello?” Lisa said.

Hiro and Kris turned to look at her. “ Oh, sorry.” Kris said. “ I’m Kris, short for Kristal. Me and Hiro here are from New Bark Town.”

“ Lisa.” Lisa shook hands with Hiro and Kris. “ from Ecruteak.”

“ Lisa.” Kris began. “ Um.. would it be alright if you came with us to Goldenrod? We’ll get lost again soon…”

“ Gee.. I’d like to,” Lisa began. “ But I’m kinda on my own quest right now… to find legendary Pokemon.”

Kris looked at Lisa blankly. “ Lisa, I’ll tell ya what. If you beat me in a battle, you can go. If I win, you come with us to Goldenrod. Fair or what?”

Lisa looked from Kris’ pleading face to Hiro’s.

“ Alright.” Lisa said. “ One on one.”

Kris took twenty paces back. Lisa did the same.

“ Let the battle begin.” Hiro called.

“ Chompy, go!” Kris yelled.
“ I choose Aipom.” Lisa yelled.
FLASH! Aipom and Totodile appeared at once. The Totodile had a berry hanging from it’s neck.

“ Chompy – Rage attack.” Kris called.
“ Aipom – Sand Attack.” Lisa commanded.

Chompy charged at Aipom, kicking up sand from the ground and leaving a small furrow in it’s wake. Just before the Rage attack hit, Aipom kicked up a cloud of dust from the ground. Chompy was unable to see, and the attack missed completely.

“ Good Job, Aipom, Now use Swift.”
“ Counter with Water Gun.”
Aipom shot out a stream of stars, which all slammed into Chompy’s Water Gun. Both Pokemon were hit with their own attack, as they collided and rebounded.

“ Chompy, Whirlpool.”
“ To---to---.” Chompy breathed out a stream of water, which formed into a Whirlpool as soon as it was out of Chompy’s mouth. Aipom was knocked out by the blast, and promptly fainted.
“ Aipom!” Lisa cried, preparing it’s pokeball. “ Oh – return.”

Aipom disappeared in a flash of light.
“ You’re really good Kris.” Lisa said, fiddling with her pokegear and not looking directly into Kris’ eyes.
“ Thanks Lisa.” Kris said. “ C’mon, we’re not that bad. We’re off to Goldenrod, and that’s where you were headed, right?’
“ Yeah.” Lisa said gloomily, her annoyance growing.
“ Well, then, show us the way!” Kris cried, taking Lisa’s hand and speeding off down the road.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Whoo. Guess I was wrong about you and I'm sorry if my review upset you. I do, however, stand by the formatting comments. It's one of those things that people don't really notice if you get it right, but if you get it wrong, it stands out like a sore thumb. Speaking of which, I'd suggest double spacing the speech from the rest of the text. Oh, and maybe use italics instead of capitals. Again, it just looks more professional. All of these are things that really do make life easier for the reader.

Anyway, as to the plot, I was wrong as I hoped to be. I mentioned these things cause I thought you were a newbie who might actually make such mistakes. I'm glad you haven't. ^^ Evidently I underestimated you.

Mind you, I still feel that there are limits as to what the reader can be expected to swallow. If you're going to go against the 'norms' and 'expectations' of fanfiction, I'd advise adding in a bit more description so the reader can visualise YOUR version better. At the moment, I'd say that even though the little bits of detail (like the 'Connecting to satelite' - that was great!) are helping to really flesh out the story, you could still go a little bit more.

I can stop commenting on the plot if you want. But what else would you like me to comment on instead? Personally, I enjoy people commenting on my plot - I put a lot of effort into it and I like to hear what people thought of it. Then again, writing is personal, and so is what we want to hear about it.

In summary, great work. I'm really impressed at what you have so far. It's so much better than I'd thought it would be. ^^ Merry Christmas to you!

Piney.
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[Hoenn Warrior]

Another great chapter! And its cool that you dont want to use any new characters in your story. Feel sorry for Lisa being paried up with these 2 trainers that cant read a map. Well cant wait for the next chapter.