Loand Region: Story of a Breeder

[Kusai]

Sorry that the prolog is very short, chapters will be much longer...


Prolog: Heading to a new Land
(PG-13)
I sat on my bed in the cabin of a ship humming to myself, looking down at a blue pokemon egg, yes I am a breeder, been a breeder for almost nine years now. I love to hatch pokemon and raise them from eggs, I usually end up donating most of the pokemon I hatch and give them to kind trainers, but this egg was important, because my grandma sent this egg to me.
I was heading over to the Loand Region, a region in which I was born, but I was raised in Kanto. Loand is not your everyday happy region. It is mostly marshy and swampy, and there are very few major cities. It is also very humid and it rains a lot. I also heard that it has a very bad smell that can take a couple of months to get use too. There are also only three gyms here to, and a tiny pokemon league, which that really doesn’t matter to me much saying I am a breeder.
So why am I heading to this region then? Well there are two reasons on why I want to see it. The first reason that I would want to see this region is because it is my home region, the place I was born, but left it when I was too young to even remember it. The second reason I want to visit this region is because of Summer Mountain, the only place in the region that was not swampy and had a nice breeding center.
I looked down at the egg again and then at the pokeball around my neck. The pokemon around my neck was the most important pokemon to me because it was my starter, the grass/poison pokemon, now fully grown in it final form, given to me by professor Oak almost nine years ago.
“All getting off at Sha’in Port, Loand Region, please step off.” A voice on the intercom said. I grabbed my backpack and the incubator that the pokemon egg was in and then left the room to get off the ship.
As I got off the ship, I saw that the only walkway was gravel, “Great this place is so poor that it cant even afford a street.” I looked at the small city, a pokemon center, a restaurant, and about ten homes, a sign said, Sha’in Port Pop: 43. A smell of swamp water came from the marsh that seemed to come from all directions heading away from the town. “Well I guess this is the place I was born, maybe I should check in at the pokemon center.”

 

[Tezza]

G'day mate, let's have a look.
While your description is good, some of your sentences are runon. For example, the first line:

I sat on my bed in the cabin of a ship humming to myself, looking down at a blue pokemon egg, yes I am a breeder, been a breeder for almost nine years now.

Should be

I sat on my bed in the cabin of a ship humming to myself, looking down at a blue pokemon egg. Yes I am a breeder, and have been a breeder for almost nine years now.

Rereading will pick up these mistakes and will also pick up word repetition. Word repetition sometimes throws of the flow of the write. I suggest using a 'double enter' too so your writing isn't cramped up. That deters readers.

Your description of Lotand is great, I get a good indication of what I'm in for and I like the idea of a marshy, humid region, gives it that much more realism.

I'd be careful of your tenses, again reread. At one point you say 'I was heading over ...' and then you start using present tense, which gives the impression that your character was already there.

Even though this is your prologue it could use some fleshing out, some descriptions of the oceans she's looking at, or the ship, or how she feels about the ship. Look through her eyes and describe what you would see, what you would think. Take your time and write four or five chapters before you post on the forum, and make sure each is the very best you can post, more favourable reviews because you only get one chance to make an impression. Reread, rewrite, reread, rewrite... tis the cycle of a fanfiction author.
Goodluck in your fanfiction ventures, I'll be watching.

 

[HB5squared]

First and foremost when making a paragraph, hit the enter key. This way it is easier to read then a big block of text, which you have. All this information and more is in the advice for aspriring authors sticky. I know you are new so you should really check that out.

“Great this place is so poor that it cant even afford a street.”

Your character seems like such a kind and nice person. This line didn't suit him... It was very out of character. Unless of course someone else is narrating the story other than him.

I intend to read the first chapter, which will hopefully will have better formatting and better description. What does your character look like? How did the cabin he was in look like?

It's intriguing but poor description and formatting. Please fix these areas for the next installment and read the advice for aspiring authors sticky.

 

[Kusai]

Sorry another short chapter, promise next one will be longer.

Chapter 1: Wynut just come on out

Nicholas short brown hair blow in the wind as he entered the pokecenter. He looked down at the ground, feeling bad at what he just said. “Man that was a rude thing to say about this city.”

I looked down at the egg, set it down and took of his green sweet shirt, then untucked his gray short-sleeved shirt out of his tan pants. I then saw a girl, about my age, 18 or 19, a little shorter than I; she was about 5’7, her long blond hair looked like something out of a storybook.

“Hello, my name is Crystal, who are you.” She said in a very claim and charming voice. She smiled and then looked at me for a minute, then at the blue egg that I was holding.

“My name is Nicholas, it is very nice to meet you Crystal.” I replied to her. “I am a breeder, been a breeder for almost nine years now, so, if you do not mind me asking, what do you do?”

“I am a researcher, I love to learn about how environment effects pokemon, and how the change of weather can effect them and how, well-“ She paused for a minute, “Sorry, I was just rambling again.” Her head went down like it upset her.

“No, no, do not get upset, I am exactly interested in what you want to say.” I replied. I didn’t mind listening to what people had to say, it exactly made me in a good mood. Grandma uses to say ‘The more you learn, the better off you are.’

“No, no,” Crystal replied. “Maybe some other time, right now I think it is best if we heal our pokemon.” She started to walk up to where the counter was, then looked at me as is she wanted me to follow, so I did.

“Welcome to the Sha’in Pokecenter, would you like to heal your pokemon.” Said the Sha’in nurse Joy. Everyone knows what a nurse Joy looks like because they all look the same.

“Yes please, I would like that a lot.” I replied handing her the pokemon around my neck and putting it on the table. Crystal put her pokemon on the table just as well.

“It will take just about one night for me to heal your pokemon so if you are not in a hurry, please just stay the night, dinner will be free.”

“Thanks,” I said again. I then headed to sit down on a bench and began to look through a book which head pictures of different pokemon eggs in it and what pokemon hatch from those eggs.


“So a Wynut is what is going to hatch from this egg, I am sooo excited, I just cannot wait to see the new baby Wynut.” I really wanted to jump around and sing, but I was going to respect the other people in the pokecenter and not do that.

“So you cannot wait til the Wynut hatchs can you.” Crystal said, “I just wanted to know if you want to go and have dinner with me.” She said and smiled.

“Yes, I would love to come to dinner with you.” I set down the book and stood up and smiled, “Thank you, I really do not like to go to dinner alone.”

“Great, thanks, I don’t like to have dinner alone either,” Crystal said as she smiled, “Just something seems weird, do I happen to know you?”

“You know I think I- wait a minute, I do remember you, nine-years ago, we both started our pokemon journey.” I smiled, now remembering this was a childhood friend.

“Nicholas, I knew there was something I knew about you, you seemed like someone I know, but now I remember, we have a lot to talk about.”

“Yes we do Crystal, Yes we do, and we can do it during dinner, as we-“ but I was interrupted by a flash, the blue egg was glowing, which meant that it was ready to hatch, yes, Wynut is coming out of it’s egg.

To be cont……..

Episode 2: Wynut have a reunion….