Loyalty (One-Shot)

[shadowlight]

It was very good I thought the main character was a human until the end
It has a good plot it's descriptive

 

[Foo]

Wow. Just wow. This was an overall great story. I'm not the kind of guy who can tell you what's good or not, so I won't, but you described the Growlithe's feeling of loyalty so well. You also described *you*'s helplessness because he's a pokemon excellently.

...I'm speechless.

 

[SnoringFrog]

Scared?

(Not in the least.)

Nervous?

(Why should you be?)

Excited?

(Always.)

Ready….

(Your heart is pounding; muscles tensing; eyes constricting…)

Steady…

(The thrilling song of battle is in your ears, increasing in volume at a rapid crescendo, filling your body with adrenaline and fire…)

Go!

I really liked how you wrote this part, very well done. I especially liked how you used 'fire', giving it two meanings.

cawing as it attempts to keep afloat,

Afloat? I didn't know fearows floated; I thought they flew.

Your eyes return to your the Rocket, now running at a dead sprint. You move onto the road, your concentration fully on the just yards ahead of you. You’ll be upon him any time, now, and victory will be yours. But so concentrated are you on your goal that you don't see the car coming up the street. It's only when you hear Riley's panicked voice that you snap out of your reverie. You slow down, looking over your shoulder to see if anything's wrong.

I read this...anticipation grows...and the phone rings. Just like a commercial would do on a tv show. What kind of timing is that? Dang Capital One's robots.

It’s then, in that one terrible moment, that you hear the horn on the car blare and the warning cries of bystanders as they scream at you to get out of the way.

(But the cries sound echoed, as if they’re coming from a place far, far away.)

It’s then you smell the scent of burnt rubber on asphalt as the car tires screech against the road.

(But the smells are dulled, like smoke from a fire long gone out.)

It’s then you see the car – a great monster hurtling toward you. It won’t stop in time.

(But you can’t move; your legs are frozen, and your mind is in a shocked stupor.)

They say that when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, but it is not so. Your mind is a blank slate, uncomprehending – even the feelings of fear are dulled. It’s like you're watching the coming events from behind another’s eyes.

I've loved how you use 2nd person, I've told you that before, and I've always loved how you use parantheses in your writing. This section has to be my favortie and least favorite part of the story all at once. Favortie because of how well it's written and how much emotion it carries into my mind, and my least favorite because...well, I think that bit's obvious. It reminds me of a part of a book I recently read in which they depict a character's death this way, with the senses fadign and such. Very nicely done.


Awesome story, Saff. At first it seemed like you were talking about a Pokémon, but I think it was around the time you used the word 'feral' that it clicked for me. Your portrayal of emotions in this was near-flawless, IMO, it was actually good enough to warrant some real emotion on my part while reading it. That's something I've tried to kill, to be able to read most stories like this without batting an eye. That way the great ones stand out when I come across them. This one stood out.

 

[Saffire Persian]

Brian Powell:

and you can see the beginnings of Imprision at its work
Is the letter I suppose to a capital?

Yes, as Imprison is a Pokemon move, and I capitalize them.

I don’t know if you checked out the spoiler I made, but I want to thank you for making my life a living hell when I had to choose between yours and Big Al’s one-shot in that Laughingstock contest, it was a difficult choice. Yeah, I placed you as my no.2 in my rankings but I’m still very proud and happy that you’ve won.

thanks. ^^ Sorry I made it so difficult to judge though I guess some solid competition never hurt anybody in the [long] run of things. Thanks for your review!

Shadowlight: thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I was wondering how many people I would/woudln't fool in the end.

Foo: Haven't see you around before. Thanks for reviewing. ^^ I left you speechless, eh?

Snoringfrog: Afloat... I guess it's an odd choice of wording with a connotation that might not fit fearow as well as some. I'll keep that in midn and contemplate on changing it for a better synonym whenever I get the urge to revise.

I'm glad you like my second POVs though, they're currently my favorite to write, followed by first, then third. I'm glad people have actually come to appreciate the second person POV now - it's a rather undervalued POV now that I look at it, as hardly anyone uses it, and I've found that it's just as viable as any other, and the limations an constraints placed on it stereotypically don't necessarily need to be followed. I.E: You should n ever reveal the name or gender of you to better fit the reader into the characters shoes, etc.

 

[Imperial_Furret]

Exellent! Some minor spelling mistakes, but nothing big. But, is the main charracter a Houndour Growlithe?

 

[Hahahabvc87]

Tick. Tock. Tick. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

XD I just loved that line. Even the clock seems to be mocking their rather uncomfortable encounter!

It's rather selfish of the Growlithe to want to have Riley all to him/herself... but that's probably due to the fear of Riley forgetting about her dear Growlithe, and not wanting to be alone in this world. Silly Growlithe. XD

“My apartment’s flooded. All of it,” he says despondently, flopping onto the couch. For the first time you’ve heard him, he curses loudly, muttering something about ‘Grimer’ and ‘pipes’.

Ewwww, live sludge!

Now, to burn or not to burn? That is the question.

The more rational side of your brain tells you to leave his clothes alone – it’s probably the best set he has, and perhaps the only set, depending on how bad his apartment’s flooded.

But the other side, the not quite so sane side, is telling you to make a bonfire out of it, and dance merrily in the flames and laugh like a mad man.

That side seems to pop some crazy ideas into our heads every so often... Right now it's telling me to go all hyper and do lots of smiley abuse.

Definitely crazy. But…

He quickly pockets it before Riley can see. He nods once, showing his understanding, before standing up and going to Riley’s side while you watch on.

…you suppose you can share… just this once.

Just this once? Oh well, it's to be expected that the Rat won't be forgiven that easily...

As you said, it definitely was humourous with a twist at the end - a heart-warming one. I'm really glad I read this, so hopefully you can come up with more magnificence soon!

 

[Saffire Persian]

Imperial Furret: Growlithe. Definitely. XD

Haha87:

That side seems to pop some crazy ideas into our heads every so often... Right now it's telling me to go all hyper and do lots of smiley abuse.

I laughed for a full minute at that. XD

Now my mind's telling me to go all hyper and do lots of smiley abuse. XDXDXD

As you said, it definitely was humourous with a twist at the end - a heart-warming one. I'm really glad I read this, so hopefully you can come up with more magnificence soon!

XD Well, I have two one-shots in the works, but I'm working on Metamorphosis for Nanowrimo right now, so if you'll get anything, it'll be a new chapter at that. Thanks for your review!