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Lucki

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by icemew, Feb 6, 2006.

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  1. Overwhelming_Latias

    Overwhelming_Latias Well-Known Member

    Alright, first a confession. Until now I've been one of your 'phantom readers'... those gits that read fics and don't review. For that I apologise, but your fic is picking up pace somewhat, and I never reject a review request. :p

    Good Points
    -Compassion. I prefer to read fics that actually highlight apathetic characters, but it's actually nice to see a character that shows compassion and honour. It's touching to see Lucki actually use one of her potions to heal the wild Pokemon that Silver had defeated.
    -The fic is well-written. No notable spelling or grammar errors, so kudos there.
    -Nice to see that she receives her Pokemon not from Professor *Insert Tree Species*, but from the Pokemon School in Rustboro (which makes more sense to me).
    -Couldn't help but chuckle at the puddles remark. Silver's target practice made for some early eye-candy in RuSa then ;)
    -Excellent use of character, in Chapter One particularly.

    'Bad' Points
    -I think you need to use a little more description, with both characters/Pokemon and their surroundings. Your first chapter featured quite a lot, and i was impressed, but I feel this has waned over the next two installments. A bit more will make the environment easier to imagine and improve your fic greatly.
    -Somewhat cliche'd. She starts with a Squirtle... okay, I can get over that. But her second Pokemon is a Flareon?! I'm intrigued to see whether this will make her a Mary-Sue or not.

    Somewhat briefer than my normal reviews, but it's late and I didn't wanna drag on too much.

    Take in your critiques, and build on them. Keep up the good work and I look forward on the next installment.

    -OL
     
  2. icemew

    icemew Banned

    You're right, I'll be sure to step up the description in the next chapter. I guess I was rushing a little.

    Well, I promise that Lucki's next pokemon will be a lot more common. ;136; Flareon seem underused to me though...all the other evolutions are more popular, and, although I'm not a fanfic expert, it seems to only show up pretty much when all of the evolutions are present.
     
  3. Overwhelming_Latias

    Overwhelming_Latias Well-Known Member

    I never meant on an UU or OU scale. Flareon IS the least used Eeveelution... poor guy.

    I was just a tad suprised that Flareon was her second Poke. Despite being UU, they are powerful... I would've thought it would not obey Lucki or appear apathetic.

    It would be great to see Flame disobey Lucki or whatever. That would really highlight it's age you describe in the last chapter... teens never do as they're told! :D

    Well good luck again.

    -OL
     
  4. King of the Munchlax

    King of the Munchlax Needs a new name...

    I'll give you the basics-

    Good Points-
    Description is very good! I get a picture of what is going on.
    Characters-Very unique with great personality.
    You used Flareon! It is my favorite Eevee evolution.
    Well written- It is very neat and easy to read.

    Bad points-
    Ummmmmm...I really didn't see any.

    Overall:
    10/10
    5 stars/5 stars
    Three ;212; ;212; ;212; ;212; and a;136;
     
  5. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Overwhelming_Latias, sorry, but Flare probably won't be disobedient. He's a breeding-center pokemon and was pretty bored hanging around the Pokecenter, so until Lucki screws up, he won't cause trouble. That, or until he gets stronger and winds up self-important ;) . All of her pokemon won't be so well behaved, though...won't say any more about that now. Anyway, I guess you're right that Flareon are strong, but I'm not really going much on stats, and he's got no fighting experience, so he at least won't be. Lucki's going to have a LOT of training to do.

    And King of the Munchlax, thanks, I'm glad you liked it!:D
     
  6. Evan Turner

    Evan Turner You are my only fear

    Hello. This was an okay chapter. And now we know why there's those little puddles near Rustboro. Heheh. It was overall good, although as Overwhelming_Latias said, the Flareon thing was kinda... Mary-Sueish. But as long as she isn't all mighty or all that much more pwerful, then it would be okay. That;s pretty much my only pet pieve, so that's okay. So, good luck, and keep going. This is a good fic, keep going and listen to those advices.

    Smuggler
     
  7. icemew

    icemew Banned

    No problem, I'm thinking Flare is probably weaker than Silver (no battle experience and a few hours of training < four battles and several training sessions), and Silver's not really that strong. So he won't be much help for a while. (Plus, he's practically useless against Roxanne.) Definitely, not an all mighty poke.
     
  8. Heya!

    Um... I kinda guessed that Lucki would be getting a Flareon... the pic in your sig next to what I'm assuming is a pic of Silver sorta gave it away. XD

    Spoilers aside, this was a highly enjoyable chapter.

    Not only is it refreshingly original to see a trainer actually putting time into developing their pokemon's accuracy, it's hauntingly reminiscent of my own ideas about pokemon battling. IMO, sufficient accuracy and speed cannot be beaten.

    Another point I liked was the way that Flare joined the team. Pokemon old enough to think for themselves can be the most interesting and entertaining and, as such, Flare looks set to become an awesome addition to the story/team (tragic nickname aside).

    With regards to the pokemon themselves, I very surprised to hear that Silver had never gone swimming... wouldn't she have been let out for a while in breeding centre pools? Since she's a Squirtle, I kind of expected her to have had a little experience with water. Even just in a bath? Or do they hose the pokemon to keep them clean? Eh, she's still adorable and starting to take on a solid personality. Flare, too. All of your characters, in fact, are developing smoothly. ^^

    You're quite creative with the battles, aren't you? I'd not thought of Sunny Day being used to blind the opponents. In-ter-es-ting. ^^ I also liked the finish to the previous battle. Both Lucki and Atki are realistically pleasant to each other. Just regular people having a regular battle. Nice!

    As for the whole 'Rocket encounter' thing, I reckon you've pulled it off a lot more smoothly than most new 'trainer meets Rocket, beats up Rocket, saves day' scenes I've seen. ^^

    Anyway, overall, I like this! It's fresh and cute and entertaining. Sorry about the long time it's taken me to reply... >< Good luck and fun to you!

    Piney.
    ;204;;324;
     
  9. icemew

    icemew Banned

    I guess my sig is spoilery. Maybe I'll throw in pokemon she meets but doesn't catch.

    Yeah, I just couldn't think of anything to call Flare ^^; It might change if I think of something better.

    Well, Silver's really young. She's not quite just-hatched, but all of the starting pokemon are young pokemon.

    And I'm really glad you liked the TM battle, I was a little worried about that.
     
  10. Kenouni Renashin

    Kenouni Renashin Hear me roar!

    I think you're doing very well.
    I do really like the idea of the translaters.
    Makes life with Pokemon so much easier. ^^
    God luck with it, and don't give up.

    ;249; Kenouni Renashin ;250;
     
  11. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks! I actually didn't intend to use translators at first, but then I realized I'd be writing a story where half the characters had no dialogue and almost no personality.:eek: And there's no way I'm giving up! I'm going to see this story through to the end, it's just too much fun to stop. :)
     
  12. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Finally done!

    Chapter Four - Roxanne and Others




    Lucki got back up and dusted herself off.

    "What now?" Silver asked, staring in the direction the Team Magma member had vanished.

    "We got the briefcase back, and I don't know if I can catch up with him again," Lucki replied, walking up to Silver and applying a potion to her bruises and cuts. She recalled Silver and jogged back out of the forest.

    "Oh! You got it!" the man shouted, seeing the briefcase in her slightly dusty hands.

    "Sure, it was no problem," Lucki told him as she handed it over. "What is it, anyway?"

    "This briefcase contains blueprints," the dark suited man explained, "Although I don't know why Team Magma cares about Devon blueprints."

    "Oh, Devon?" Lucki repeated. "Cool, you work for them?"

    The older man nodded. "Thank you for your help," he told her. "I don't have anything with me, but if you come back to the company with me, I can give you something.

    Lucki agreed. She quickly picked up her bag from where she'd placed it while the three of them had been resting and headed back to Rustboro with him. This time, after entering the city, he led her up past the Pokecenter and then to the left, and they arrived at a huge building that looked sort of Gothic Victorian rather than the headquarters of a massive cutting edge company. The brownstone had arches and pillars in places that seemed purely decorative, and tall narrow archaically styled windows like of a monastery. Inside was a spacious reception area with old-fashioned furniture sitting on a red carpet. The man leading Lucki headed over to the receptionist behind a long counter and talked to her quickly, then ran off.

    He reappeared a few minutes later with a card - and without, Lucki noticed, the briefcase. "This is a ferry pass," he told her. "It allows you to ride the ferries for free. It should be pretty helpful for a trainer."

    "Wow!" Lucki gasped.

    He smiled. "Those blueprints you saved were part of a multimillion-dollar project, and whatever the thief and Team Magma were planning to do with them, it's something I'm sure we're better off without. You earned this." He excused himself for his meeting and Lucki exited Devon.

    She headed southward and stopped at the Pokecenter to heal Silver and Flare, who Lucki thought despite his enthusiasm was probably pretty tired by now. Nurse Joy healed the two quickly and Lucki stepped back outside.

    This time, she headed for the Rustboro Gym. She and Silver had trained, battled and even taken out a member of Team Magma, they should be ready to at least try for a Stone Badge.

    The Gym wasn't far from the Pokecenter, and she reached it within a few minutes. Confidently she headed inside.

    It was a bit odd for a rock gym. Under her feet was weirdly patterned tile, alternating diamond-oriented pink squares with blue plus signs. The walls were rough like unfinished stone, although it was dyed or painted in pink as well. What Lucki assumed was a stadium area was in the center, looking like the floor of a cave. On either side of it were rock platforms for the challenging trainer and gym leader to stand on.

    An older teenaged girl who was practically a young adult was waiting there. She wore a grey dress that had long sleeves with a slight flare around the wrist and a white collar that looked somewhat schoolteachery until one got to the skirt, which terminated well above her knees, leaving the rest of her legs covered only in red tights. She had long brown hair that was arranged somewhat like an Officer Jennies, and tied back with a large pink ribbon in a bow into a split ponytail. That was Roxanne.

    "I challenge you to a one-on-one battle," Lucki announced.

    Roxanne nodded. "All right." She and Lucki walked over to their two platforms. Roxanne picked a pokeball and opened it, releasing an odd-looking pokemon about three feet tall. The whole body seemed to be made of a head, with a heavy protruding brow and holes on either side for ears located midway down its sides. It looked as if it had literally been chiseled from rock, with flat planes rather than the rounded look of nearly every pokemon. Its arms looked like mostly flattened pyramids that were attached on one end, rotating weirdly as it settled itself, and its legs were the shape of metal washers. They didn't look as if they should work, but it lifted one and then the other before being still. It was colored completely blueish-grey except for the large protruding nose, which was bright red. It was magnetic, Lucki knew. Higher level Nosepass could even use some electric attacks with it, but she probably wouldn't run into that in this battle.

    Lucki sent out Silver. "Okay, Silver, you can do this."

    "Tackle," commanded Roxanne.

    "Water gun! Try to stop it!"

    As the compass pokemon ran at her, Silver blasted at it with high pressure stream of water. The rock-type slowed slightly but didn't falter, pushing through the attack into Silver. She retaliated with a second quick water gun to the eyes and then jumped right to avoid the other pokemon's body slam. While it was down she tried a tackle, only to bounce back off its side.

    The Nosepass seemed unphased, although Lucki didn't know if that was just because its expression was pretty set.

    "Rock tomb!" shouted Roxanne.

    The gym leader's pokemon stamped one polygon leg with a low grunting cry. Smallish rocks, about the size of Lucki's fist, rained down in a small circle around Silver, piling up into walls just over the water type's head, then they collapsed inward, covering the tiny turtle in a triangular pile of rocks. Underneath Silver began struggling, and the outer rocks began to roll off. Meanwhile the Nosepass stumped over to the trapped water type, then, at Roxanne's command, jumped into the air for a second to land atop Silver and the rocks in a body slam. This scattered the stones but Silver was only pinned under this new and larger rock. She wiggled and managed to pull herself out, her rounded shell almost popping her loose when the weight shifted.

    "Another water gun, Silver!"

    Silver nodded, shooting another water gun at the Nosepass while it struggled to right itself again. This one seemed stronger than the previous attacks, knocking the hefty stone pokemon onto its side, leaving its legs to wave uselessly a moment in the air before it rolled over and levered itself up with its stiff arms.

    "Tackle again!"

    The Nosepass struck Silver again, sending her skidding over the ground on her shell, spinning about. Silver looked dazed as she stood back up.

    "And now rock tomb!"

    Silver threw herself to the side. She was struck by a couple of the assembling stones, which bounced off her back, but otherwise managed to get out of the way of the attack. She took a deep breath and sent another powerful water gun at the rock type, knocking it over. It flailed its legs weakly but rather than get up it stilled.

    Roxanne sighed, closing her light ruby eyes for a second, then recalling her pokemon. She hopped off the rock platform and over toward Lucki. The two girls shook hands. "You battled well," Roxanne praised. She handed Lucki a small grey badge. "The Stone Badge is yours."

    *

    Stepping out of the Pokecenter after resting her two pokemon, Lucki looked northward. With the Rustboro Gym defeated, it was finally time to head on. Impatiently she broke into a trot as she headed out of the city.

    She slowed down once she reached Route 115. The cement sidewalk petered out to a wide sandy path with grassy meadow on either side, a drier version of the area she, Silver and Flare had been training in. There were some trees to her right and over to her left she could see a slope leading to a golden beach and the ocean. The wind was blowing off it and she was just close enough to smell a slight ting of salt. She sent out both of her pokemon and the three began to walk along the path.

    "Oh, hey!" she shouted, seeing a bluehaired boy up ahead. "Jonic!" She recognized him from school. He turned, yellow eyes looking surprised when he saw her.

    "Oh, hi," he greeted. A Beautifly flapped near his shoulder, and one side of the green shirt he wore lightly flecked with golden powder from its wings.

    "Wow! You've already evolved your pokemon to its third stage!" Lucki admired.

    "Well, I got it as a Silcoon," Jonic admitted modestly. "We've been practicing a lot since then. So you decided to go this way too?"

    Lucki nodded. "I figured that, since my starter was a water type, it'd be the best move to go for the Rustboro Gym," she explained. "Hey! Let's have a battle! Flare could use some practice."

    "Yeah," he agreed. He turned to the Beautifly. "Sorry, but you'll be sitting this one out. You can't take on a fire type." The Beautifly sighed, sounding disappointed, but didn't object. Jonic picked the other pokeball around his waist, which was the same pure white as Silver's pokeball, releasing a fluffy brown foxlike pokemon with big chocolate eyes.

    "Tackle!" Lucki announced.

    "Sand attack!"

    The Eevee spun around and began kicking up a tornado of sandy dirt, half-blinding Flare, who turned his head and closed his eyes in response. The normal type quickly took advantage of this and tackled his squarely in the chest, jumping back when Flare tried to retaliate. It circled around, Flare turning awkwardly to try to keep up and prevent the unevolved pokemon from getting behind him, then darted forward and bit Flare on his side. Flare tried to shake himself loose and the Eevee released him, backing up again.

    "Focus, Flare!" called Lucki. "Hit it with ember!"

    Flare nodded. The Eevee began circling again. Flare send a fireball at it, knocking the evolution pokemon off its paws. It quickly scrambled upright again, looking wary.

    "Finish it off with take down!"

    The Eevee focused and then rocketed toward Flare. The fire type send another ember attack toward the other pokemon, but the unevolved pokemon powered through it as if it wasn't there and smashed into Flare, the force strong enough to faint him.

    Lucki sighed. She knew Flare was still inexperienced, but there was something unpleasant about losing to a lower-stage evolution of your pokemon.

    "Good battle, Lucki," Jonic told her, petting his recovering Eevee.

    "You were great," she replied, spraying a potion onto Flare. "Your Eevee's really impressive, fighting like that."

    "Maybe we'll battle again," Jonic mentioned.

    "I hope so," Lucki replied as Flare got to his feet and shook himself. "Bye!"

    "Bye!"

    Lucki headed on. The path sloped upward as she got closer to the mountains. Ledges started jutting across the landscape and pine trees began appearing in force.

    Silver said something Lucki didn't catch, and then "I feel a lot better." Lucki was about to ask what Silver had been talking about when she detoured around another ledge, rounded a corner and there it was, Meteor Falls. It rose from the surrounding forest, a huge mass of bare yellow-grey rock. She could see the entrance a little way up, carved stone steps leading up the flat plateau the cave mouth opened onto. She started up.

    "Oof!" gasped Silver as she slipped on one of the steps and fell, smacking her chest into the rock edge. She tried again, trying to push herself up with her arms and swing a leg up, but she couldn't quite reach.

    "Why don't you rest in your pokeball for a while?" asked Lucki. "Until we're past this area."

    "Okay," agreed Silver, sounding relieved.

    "Flare? How about you?"

    Flare shook his head and began climbing. He seemed to be able to handle it. Shortly they reached the platform and entered the cave.

    The rock was a muddy sediment color, and the air was damp and clammy, in contrast to the dry warm air outside. Pools of water lay in shallow depressions, in some areas, against walls, they looked like a massive waterfall had paused. Somewhere beyond where she could see, Lucki could hear the churning of a real and very active waterfall. Flare shifted next to her.

    "You sure you want to stay out?" Lucki asked.

    "I'm fine,:" Flare replied.

    They continued on. Lucki saw a set of more steps to her right, and she headed up them, onto the next flat area. From there, she could see the waterfall crashing down a few yards ahead. It sent up a fine mist she could feel against her face.

    A smashing sound brought her out of her trance. She spun as Flare yelped in surprise and jumped back into her legs. A Bagon snorted, raising its head from the fragments of the rock it had just smashed.

    It looked a lot like any other Bagon, with a white bony growth covering its head and growing down over the back of its head like a crest. It had two muscular legs and small arms, a large jaw with visible ***s and a tan stomach. But its blueish purple skin was covered in red scrapes, and the hard white horn of its head was bloody.

    "Oh! Are you okay-" Lucki started to ask. It growled, lowered its head and changed Flare, who scrambled out of the way. Then suddenly Flare tackled it, knocking it off its feet. "What? Flare, don't!"

    "He wants to fight," Flare replied. The Bagon looked at her and grunted, nodding once.

    "Even still, I don't think it'd be good for either of us. Bagon are strong pokemon, and he's obviously high level to have ventured this far out."

    "Let me just try. He's the one who challenged us."

    The Bagon hopped, handing inches from Flare and biting him. The flame pokemon yelped but then retaliated with his own bite, forcing the Bagon to release him. He scrambled back, putting some distance between the two. The dragon type watched Flare, considering its next move. Then it lowered its head and barreled forward in another headbutt. Flare avoided this as well, and Lucki relaxed. The attack was powerful, but the Bagon had to run in a straight line because of its weight and momentum. Flare wouldn't have any problem dodging that as long as he kept his distance.

    "Flare, make sure you keep back!" she called. "You don't want its headbutt to connect!"

    Flare nodded quickly. "I will."

    The Bagon scowled, then opened its mouth to spit out a gout of white flame, blanketing the area Flare was standing in. Lucki could feel the heat from where she was standing behind the Bagon. Fire type or not, that attack would be brutal.

    But when the attack faded, Flare was still standing there. He glowed slightly. Lucki gasped. He looked stronger suddenly, like an older and more powerful Flareon. He inhaled and then sent out his own ember attack. It flared white, lighting up the dim cavern and hitting with such force it knocked the Bagon across the stone and into the river. The dragon type growled, righting itself and hopping out of the water, only to be stuck by another massive ember attack and knocked back in. The water at the edge steamed for a moment.

    "That's it, Flare!" Lucki called encouragingly. "Just keep hitting it with ember!"

    It snarled from the water, then positioned itself and launched forward in another headbutt attack. Flare tried to stop the rock head pokemon with another flame, but the dragon type charged through it, visibly burned but undaunted. Its head struck his side and sent him flying to fall on one side. Lucki started to walk toward him, thinking he'd been knocked out again, but he got back up after a moment, hitting the Bagon with another supercharged attack, then tackling the dragon type while it was blinded by flames. A third rapid ember knocked the Bagon into the shallows of the water again.

    Rather than attack again, it began to glow white. Lucki and Flare watched as the Bagon grew in size, the bone on its head growing out on either side to wrap around its body. When the white glow faded, Lucki's eyes were met with the sight of a Shelgon, a huge quadrupedal ball of white bone with two eyes staring out from the center. It began to lumber away.

    Flare trotted over and she began administering a super potion. "He just left?" she wondered. "I guess he must have been trying to evolve." The glow was fading now, returning Flare to his normal look as the vibrancy drained away. He must have been tired by now. Lucki considered offering to recall him again, but figured he'd just refuse a third time. Besides, he'd shown he could handle himself well enough.

    The two continued along. They didn't see any more Bagon. Lucki saw a Solrock over across the river, but none close up. Besides that and a few Zubat that flew over their heads, they didn't see any other pokemon along the way. Before long, they had reached the exit and they headed out into the sunlight, with warm air blowing away the chill of the cave.

    Outside it was rocky, with a wide path that wove around the cliffs. Lucki passed an older man hiking named Kino, who told her that while she was almost out of the mountain, she still had a good way to go before she'd reach Fallarbor Town.

    "I guess we'd better get moving," she told Flare.

    "Yeah."

    As Kino had said, they found their way to the base of the mountain shortly, after following the twisty route down. But even though the area was now grassy, it was still steep and hard to travel. Lucki and Flare, hurrying, were jumping off ledges to try to get down faster. Lucki jumped off another.

    "Ah! Altaria!" shouted a woman's voice suddenly, and Lucki ducked to avoid a large blue and white pokemon.rocketing at her head. "Oh, no, it's not them." Lucki looked up cautiously to see a young woman wearing glasses with thick brown hair tied back with a green headband. "I'm sorry," she apologized, helping Lucki up. "One of those Teams was skulking about earlier, and I've been worrying they're up to something. I mistook you for them."

    The Altaria returned to hover near the woman's shoulder. "You did come out of nowhere," he commented idly, not sounding nearly as apologetic.

    "Oh, my name's Lanette," she added. "What's yours?"

    "Lanette? You mean, you're the one who created the newest Pokemon Storage System?" Lucki gasped. "I'm Lucki."

    "So you've heard of me?" Lanette smiled. "It really wasn't creating though, just some modifications to the original system. Actually, it's that system that made me so worried. I don't think they would be interested in visiting me or hiking around the cave, so I was suspicious they might be intending to get control of the Storage System for some goal of theirs. They disappeared a little while ago, but I'm still a little anxious."

    "Unnecessarily so," the Altaria added.

    "Oh. I haven't seen any on my way here," Lucki mentioned. "Although I did see one in Rustboro."

    "Well, with any luck neither of us will be seeing any more of them," Lanette remarked. "Still, Altaria and I had better get back. Goodbye!"

    "Goodbye!"

    Lanette headed off along the path and Lucki continued on with Flare along her more direct route.

    Jump to Chapter Five
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2006
  13. Shadows Follower

    Shadows Follower Well-Known Member

    I think this is very good. Even though its a trainer story its still unique and its got plenty of action too. The translaters a nice idea to allow your Pokemon to talk and the personality of the characters are good.

    I hope you continue to write cause I'll definatley read more.
     
  14. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks, Shadows Follower, and I promise, I'm definitely going to finish this story no matter what! ^^; Sorry my response is late, I haven't been online.

    Tho, because of that, the fifth chapter's going to be kind of late too...I'll do my best to get it up as soon as I can.
     
  15. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    I confess, I've only read one chapter thus far. But even so, I really like it. Takes a unique spin on the old starting Pokémon plot.

    I expect to be even more satisfied when I read later chapters. Keep up the good work! :)
     
  16. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks, I hope you like the rest of the chapters too!
     
  17. Silentvibrava

    Silentvibrava Techno Teen

    I personally adore this fic so far. You're very creative/original in battling and recieveing the first pokemon, it's a nice refreshing break from all the others. If you add a couple of more side-plots now and again I'll be hooked till the end.
     
  18. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks, lightkeeper, I'm glad you like it! Sideplots...I've got some planned now, so I'll make sure to put those in more.

    The next chapter should be done soon. :D
     
  19. not_awake

    not_awake Who flung poo?

    As a service for your review, I'm more than glad to give one to you in return.

    With chapter 1 I was a bit fearful. It was very descriptive, almost too much so. The first paragraph seemed to inundate us with information that had no bearing on the reminder of the chapter (for example the color and wood of her desk). As others have mentioned this level of detail is better suited to describing emotions and actions, but I feel you got a better grasp of it in subsequent chapters.

    The second issue I had was how Flare was obtained. It seemed a bit deus ex machina (which lends itself to Mary Sue-ism). I'm not sure how you could revise this to a more agreeable manner, but it's not an overly glaring offense.

    Otherwise things are looking good. You have a nice level of detail and a good variety in your vocabulary. Chapters are sufficiently long to keep me interested without feeling like a chore to complete. The plot could pick up just a touch, but it's good to have a nice grounding before extraordinary things happen. All in all, it looks promising.
     
  20. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks for the advice!

    Description is confusing. ;327; Some people say more and some people say less...I guess there's some middle ground I should find? I should be done with the next chapter soon...I hope I'll get it right.

    Plot, plot, I do have one, it's just I'm kind of slow at setting things up. There's a lot of stuff between there and here. I'll do my best, though!
     
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