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Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by icemew, Feb 6, 2006.

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  1. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Finally done...

    (Oh, and whoever rated this three stars, could you speak up? If you didn't like something you should say so...)

    Chapter Five - Fallarbor

    It wasn't long before Lucki was out of the hilly area and on flat ground again. She waded through the tall grass, Flare bounding along a bit clumsily next to her. Peering ahead she saw that not far off the tall grass ended and the sandy tan path began, just before the edge of Meteor Lake. Over that lay the deep russet bridge, stretching out of sight, toward the distant opposite side.

    Lucki made her way through the end of the grass and to the shore, where the clear blue waves lapped inches from her white shoes. They lapped over the edges of the bridge as well, so that the wood was soaked although not submerged. Up ahead she could see fishermen struggling to land Goldeen and Magikarp, causing water to surge up in huge waves where they were standing to swamp the surrounding area.

    "I'd better recall you," Lucki mentioned to Flare. He nodded, eyeing the way before them nervously, and she took out his pokeball and recalled him.

    Lucki began making her way across the wooden planks, moving careful to try not to splash water into her shoes as she went through the wetter areas. She narrowly avoided being directly splashed a few times when a fisherman suddenly hooked a pokemon, but the mist sprayed into the area left her somewhat damp by the time she made it to the other side.

    She continued on along the now dark reddish ground, passing small ponds that dotted the area. Rather than grass there was some low-lying plant with round leaves and white flowers, and some petite, graceful trees with branches laden with greenery in clumps.

    Lucki came upon an older, neatly dressed in dark grey man sitting on a bench by the side of the brown trail. A Poochyena with white-flecked fur lay beside him, eyes closed and head resting in its paws. Its ears twitched at her approach and the dark type raised its head and roared, then lay its head back down without even opening its eyes. Lucki looked at the bite pokemon, not sure what to make of it.

    "Oh, don't mind him," the man explained, standing. "He just likes using the move." He reached down and scratched the thick salt-and-pepper colored fur on his pokemon's neck. "My name is Ian Jennings. What's yours?

    "I'm Lucki Middling."

    "Are you heading to Fallarbor?"

    Lucki nodded. "Is it close?" she requested.

    "You're nearly there," he responded. "Just a bit ahead. Could you do me a favor, though? You see, I've been trying to catch a Nuzleaf, but they're quite shy and my Poochyena can't stay quiet for any length of time, and as he's my only pokemon…" Punctuating this statement, the Poochyena roared again.

    Lucki nodded again. She could see how that would be a problem. "I've only just started, so my pokemon aren't that strong," she told him. "But I do have a fire type. I'm sure he'd be able to handle a Nuzleaf."

    "Really? Do you think I could borrow him? It shouldn't take too long, as I know where to find them."

    "Okay, let me just explain to him." Lucki released Flare and told him what was going on.

    "You'll be staying at the Pokecenter today, won't you?" Jennings asked. "I'll drop him off there, all right?"

    "Sure," Lucki replied, "No problem." She waved goodbye as they headed off under the trees. As she started to go, the Poochyena jumped up and began to trot along with her like a small but very noisy escort.

    The road turned sharply right and she found herself facing what looked like farmed fields, with small seedlings sprouting up in squares of cultivated, dark soil. She passed a house with a weird sign proclaiming Ultimate Fossil Expert in Residence! and then she had reached Fallarbor Town. The Poochyena roared yet again and then started back the way they had come, tail wagging cheerfully, no doubt intending to meet up with Jennings.

    Looking around Lucki thought it seemed a lot more rural than Rustboro had been, with only a few buildings and houses, and unpaved roads a lot like the one on the route she'd just been traveling. Lucki sneezed. And dusty too. It seemed very dry, despite all the water she'd seen along her way in.

    Lucki headed in, planning to head to the Pokecenter and stay the night. Along the way she saw a huge domed building. It had four red columns that curled to meet at the top, blue sides and white accents. In design it resembled the tent she had in her bag. Over the door was a huge copy done in blue and white of the four pokeball symbol of the Hoenn Pokemon League. She went over to investigate. The sliding doors opened automatically to let her in when she approached.

    Lucki entered. It was spacious inside. She looked around and saw a girl her age with obsidian blue hair in a shoulder-length ponytail wearing a white shirt and short, pleated blue skirt. "Hi," she greeted. "What's this place?"

    The girl turned, dark emerald eyes focusing on Lucki's face. "Oh, it's a Battle Tent," she explained. "It's a new competition they've just started. You have to battle people according to special rules. It's only here for two weeks, and then they move to a different town to hold a different competition. The last one was in Slateport, and I heard it had a different set of rules than here, but I missed it."

    "Really? Cool. Thanks." Lucki trotted across the alternating dark and light round tiles of the floor, up to the short line by the counter. After a short wait she reached the front.

    "What pokemon will you register?" the young brown haired man asked.

    She only had Silver at the moment, so she handed him the white pokeball. "Silver, my Squirtle," she stated.

    The man took it, nodding, and placed it onto a platform near his computer. The machine beeped. He gave her the pokeball back with a piece of paper that had 18 on it and pointed to one side. "Go through the second door to your left."

    "Okay, thanks." Lucki headed over and opened the door. There were seven other trainers inside, each with only a single pokeball, as well as an adult dressed in white. Across from here were three more doors.

    "Welcome, trainers," the man announced. "In a moment, you will begin your Battle Tent challenge. The rules are simple. You and your opponent have three turns to defeat each other's pokemon. If neither pokemon has fainted by the end, a judge will determine the winner based on three categories: Mind, Skill and Body. The first reflects how aggressively you battled, the second how effective your moves were, and the third how healthy your pokemon is by the end. Whoever makes it through three consecutive battles will be rewarded with a prize." He gestured behind him towards the doors. "You will battle in the rooms behind me based on your assigned number. 12 and 15, step forward." An orange-haired girl and green haired boy did so. The man directed them through one door. "11 and 18, step forward."

    Lucki and another boy stepped forward and the announcer directed them through a different door.

    Inside was another adult, the judge, behind who was another door. "Take your positions at either side of the area and begin," he ordered.

    Lucki looked over at her opponent, who had short purple hair and seemed like he was her age. She hoped she could do this. She went to one side of the small wooden floored arena and sent out Silver. Her opponent released a Surskit, a small blue pokemon with a round body held up by four pencil-thin delicate legs.

    "Okay, Silver, we've only got three moves, so be careful," Lucki called out. "Start off with tackle!"

    "Quick attack, Surskit," the boy responded.

    Silver nodded, running at her opponent. The Surskit raced along the floor as well, jumping at the last second to collide with Silver and bouncing it off one shoulder. Silver was pushed back a set as the Surskit skidded along the ground, splaying out its legs to keep its balance.

    "Great, again," Lucki stated.

    "Try to slow it down with bubble!"

    The bug-water type began to spew a froth of tiny bubbles towards Silver as she approached, but the tiny turtle seemed barely hindered, pushing her way through the foam without effort to hit the pond skater, flipping it over and sending it back almost to its trainer's feet. It righted itself but Silver tackled it a third time, stunning it.

    The judge declared Lucki victorious and told her to continue through the door.

    In the next room was a red-headed girl in a light summer dress who Lucki recognized as another of the group from the start, as well as a healing machine for pokemon. The judge took Silver's pokeball and placed it inside. When it was finished, he told them to begin their battle.

    Lucki and Silver took their places. The other girl bit her lip and then sighed, sending out a large Numel. Without hesitation Lucki ordered a water gun. The numb pokemon managed to force its way through the attack for a single tackle, but then with a sigh much like the girl's was knocked over by the water attack and didn't bother to get up. Anticlimactically the judge told Lucki she was the winner and she went through the last door.

    The other trainer hadn't arrived yet, so there was only the judge waiting there. By the time Silver had been healed the other trainer had arrived, a dark grey haired teen. He sent out a Gulpin.

    Lucki looked at the weird round green pokemon suspiciously. It had only two small protrusions for arms on either side of its huge head, and no real body. A yellow feather stuck up from the center of its forehead like a hat's plume. It didn't look like it'd be much trouble.

    "Pound," her opponent stated.

    The Gulpin began to hunch its body across the field toward Silver.

    "Water gun, Silver!"

    Silver shot out a jet of water. Unperturbed, the Gulpin opened its mouth widely and simply swallowed the attack, then returned to its slow crawl. Reaching Silver, it humped its body up and struck her over the head with one small arm.

    Lucki remembered now. Gulpin would try to minimize damage by swallowing all projectile attacks. Inexperienced trainers would sometimes make the mistake of thinking it was absorbing the attacks without taking any damage, which wasn't true. It was only that a Gulpin's practically iron-clad insides were better suited to taking the damage. "Hit it in the side or back, Silver, you'll do more damage!" she called.

    "Quick, poison gas!"

    Silver ran to one side. The Gulpin started to turn to face her, but before it could finish she released another water gun. The Gulpin's soft side bent under the force and, shocked, its mouth opened, releasing a puff of amethyst vapor. The poison quickly diffused away, but part of it blew over Silver, whose skin took on a faint purple tint. She wobbled slightly.

    "Use another pound!" the boy called.

    "Quick, withdraw!"

    Silver vanished into her shell. The Gulpin's attack glanced off her.

    Lucki was about to try another move when the judge called, "Cease!"

    She rushed over to Silver, administering an antidote before the poisoning could get worse, then looked to the judge. He seemed to be deliberating. "Both of you were equal in Mind. But the Squirtle did more damage in attacking and despite the poisoning is in better overall health." He turned to Lucki. "I declare you the winner." He took out a small bag and handed it to her. "Inside are a random selection of TMs."

    Lucki thanked him and proceeded out through a side door, back into the main lobby and then outside again. She continued further on to the Pokecenter.

    "Hey Flare," she called, seeing the fire type lying at the foot of one of the waiting couches. "How'd it go?"

    He loped over. "It took a little while to find one," he replied, "But the rest went fine."

    "Good. Okay, return," Lucki decided, pulling Flare's pokeball over her belt and pressing the center button. The flame pokemon was sucked inside. She then headed over to Nurse Joy. "Excuse me, could I have a room tonight?" she requested.

    Nurse Joy nodded. "Of course, here," she responded, taking a room key out and handing it to Lucki. "Have you seen Prof. Cosmo, by any chance?" she asked. "He lives around here."

    "No, I only just got here," Lucki stated.

    "Well, if you get the chance, you should see him. Apparently he's found something interesting. He lives in the long white split-story house down the street from here."

    "Thanks for telling me," Lucki replied. "I guess I'll visit." She said goodbye and headed out again, following the street for a bit. Before long she same to a place that matched Nurse Joy's description. Heading up, she read on the mailbox Cosmo. She walked up the steps and rang the doorbell.

    After a moment a middle-aged man with dark brown hair and a long white lab coat answered the door. "Oh, hello. You're a trainer? Come in."

    Lucki nodded, stepping through the door. "Nurse Joy told me you found something?"

    "Yes, although exactly what I'm still working on. Would you mind letting me see your pokemon?"

    "Sure," Lucki responded.

    "Okay, come this way." He led her down the hall into his lab. The place was white with polished steel countertops, and everything was perfectly clean and uncluttered. A large pedestal shaped machine stood near the center of the room. A clear round dome covered the top, allowing her to see a large metallic stone sitting in the center. "I recently found this meteor, and I'm trying to discover its properties. Have you ever heard of moon stones?" he asked.

    "Yes," Lucki told him. "They're a type of meteorite, right?"

    "Exactly. This isn't a moon stone, but it seems to be something similar. I'm trying to see how it responds to different pokemon. Could you let out one of your pokemon?"

    Lucki released Silver. The tiny turtle looked around with interest as Prof. Cosmo stooped to tap a few buttons on the machine. It hummed a moment, then quieted.

    "And the other?"

    Lucki recalled Silver and sent out Flare. The professor repeated his motions.

    "Hm…" He sounded surprised. "This is problematic."

    "What's wrong?" Lucki asked.

    "I checked another Flareon earlier, and got a different result. I'm not sure what to make of this." He sighed. "Clearly, a lot more work is needed." He turned back to Lucki. "Which way are you headed?"

    "I'm going to Lavaridge, then down to Mauville."

    "Ah. If I find anything more, would you mind sending me your Flareon to retest? This might just be a glitch in the machine," he mentioned, not sounding convinced.

    "Yeah, sure," Lucki told him. "Tell me if you figure it out."

    "Of course."

    Lucki said goodbye and headed back to the Pokecenter.
  2. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Well, I finally crawled out from under my mountains of schoolwork, and got back to work on this.

    Chapter Six - Fire and Ash

    The next morning, Lucki asked Nurse Joy what the best route to Lavaridge was.

    Nurse Joy considered. "Probably the Mt. Chimney Lift. It's a long hike otherwise," she responded. "That'll bring you up to the top. From there, there's a path down to Lavaridge. It's along the road out, so you can't miss it."

    "Thanks!" Lucki replied, heading out.

    She sneezed as soon as she stepped outside. She kicked the ground lightly, expecting to scuff up a puff of dirt. Instead the toe of her sneaker bounced off. It was too hard packed.

    Whatever, Lucki thought. She continued along, sneezing again. She noticed the plants on the side of the path were starting to look dusty. Before long the air itself was cloudy with a fine dust, and then she could see larger flecks of ash. These coated everything.

    "Boo!" shouted an ash pile, exploding.

    "Ah!" Lucki jumped. When the powder cleared she could see a younger, very dusty boy in its place. His face was smeared with soot and he was wearing a ninja costume, complete with what looked like a toy sword in a sheath.

    "Haha, got you! Now you've got to battle!"

    "You could have just asked," Lucki grumbled.

    The boy ignored her and enthusiastically hurtled a pokeball into the air, without even introducing himself.

    An insectoid pokemon materialized on the ground. It was a very white grey, except for its two foremost legs, which were a brown, wooden color, and two small things on its back, the size and color of leaves, that might have been wings. It was Nincada, a bug type, Lucki remembered. She touched Flare's pokeball, about to send him out, when she remembered that it was a dual type, part bug and part ground. She released Flare's pokeball and moved her hand forward, to Silver's pokeball. She grasped it and threw it out.

    "Scratch!" shouted the ninja-boy excitedly, jumping up and down once.

    "Oh no, look out!" Lucki cried, but it was no use. The Nincada hopped forward and scratched Silver the moment she materialized. Silver shouted in surprise and stumbled back.

    "Water gun!" Lucki added quickly.

    Silver nodded. "Right!" She inhaled deeply and sent a jet of water at the Nincada. It shuddered under the assault.

    "Use dig to get out of reach," decided the ninja-boy.

    The trainee pokemon rapidly scooped up dirt with its brown front legs and disappeared into the hole it made. "Huh?" asked Silver, walking over to peer into the hole. As she was leaning over to look in better, the ground under her legs exploded and the Nincada sent her flying face-first into the hole.

    Silver yelled, her voice muffled by the dirt. She pulled her head out and sent another burst of water at her opponent, but the Nincada was already burrowing back into the ground. Uncertainly, Silver looked around herself, trying to figure out where it was.

    "It's going to come from below you," Lucki advised. "Just wait for it to attack and hit it with another water gun."

    Silver nodded. "Okay." Before she could do anything more, the Nincada erupted from the ground again. She hit it with another water gun, managing to do more damage, but it rapidly burrowed out of sight.

    Silver fixed her eyes on the ground below her determinedly. After a few long seconds, the bug type erupted from the ground again, only to be met with an answering blast of water gun, shoving it back into the hole. Silver kept up the attack for a few more seconds, until the hole was filled with water, then stopped and looked around, expecting another attack.

    Instead, a rather bedraggled Nincada struggled out of the water and pulled itself onto dry land where it collapsed, breathing in relieved pants.

    "Return," the ninja-boy announced. Before Lucki could say anything, the boy shouted, "Haha! I'll beat you next time!" and darted into the tall grass.

    What a weird kid, Lucki thought.

    "Wow, it's hot here," Silver observed.

    "Yeah, I guess that makes sense," Lucki responded. She hadn't really noticed until then. "We're near a volcano. Want to return?"

    Silver nodded and Lucki returned her to her pokeball and continued on.

    Lucki saw some other kids up ahead running about with bags they held open. The ash was coming down even more heavily there.

    "Hey, what are you doing?" she asked. Up close, she could see the weave of the bags were weird, allowing light through the gaps, except near the bottoms.

    The nearest girl stopped. "Oh, hey. We're collecting ash. There's a man who lives around her who can make really cool things with it. Wanna try?"

    Lucki started to agree, but sneezed a third time. "No thanks," she asserted. "I'm heading to Lavaridge for a badge."

    "On a pokemon journey, huh? Well, good luck!" The girl returned to running and Lucki returned to walking along the path.

    Before long, Lucki saw a wooden signpost. Lift  it read. Guess I'm close then. Soon she saw a small building with an oddly shaped roof, with one end sloping down to the ground like a triangle. Two long cables stretched out from behind it, leading to a long line of tall poles and stretching up the side of Mt. Chimney all the way to the peak.

    Lucki entered the building through the open doorway. Inside was a simple room with tough grey tiling on the floor and walls, two green couches, a vending machine and small trashcan. Lucki headed over and bought a small lemonade. She was thirsty after the long walk in the dry heat.

    Then, sipping her drink, she walked up to the light yellow cable car with three big windows on either side. It looks like a car on a Ferris wheel, she thought, stepping inside. The doors shut behind her. Moments later, there was a hum of machinery and the car began to move.

    Looking out the window Lucki saw the steep side of the mountain, clear even despite the thick growth of trees, by the way the tops of each further tree were above the ones before it. Lucki had been wondering if it would have been better to hike and see if she could get another pokemon, but now that she saw what she'd be up against…I'm glad I don't have to walk that, she thought with relief.

    The trees rapidly turned to pure pines, and the ash grew thicker. As she traveled higher and higher, the pine trees petered out, leaving nothing but bare red rock. She approached the flat plateau of the top, then for a moment, crested above it. She only had a second to look at the flat roseate stone specked with a few people, not quite able to see into the crater herself because of the angle, before the cable car descended into the sister building of her starting place.

    It came to a stop inside and the doors opened. Lucki stepped out into a room that was a mirror image of the first one, with the same two green couches and boring grey tiles – Ashen colored, I wonder if that's why they picked it? Lucki mused. She tossed her lemonade bottle into the trash and headed out.

    The ground was uneven, with small rises and pits. There were a few other people there, as she had seen on her way in, and looking more closely she saw that about half were adults. There was a small stand nearby selling something called lava cookies. Lucki bought one from the old woman and began to walk around, munching on it. She looked over the edge into the smoking crater, watching the molten rock bubble. It was impressive, but she needed to get going. She turned and headed off. There was a set of stone steps leading down into the forest on the other side of the crater, and she headed to them and started down.

    The forest was dim and gloomy, with ash over everything. There were fewer pines on this side of the mountain than Lucki had seen on her ride up, but it seemed just as steep. She picked her way down carefully, glad she didn't have to make her way up this slope.

    Lucki saw there were a few other trainers walking around, made conspicuous by the puffs of dust that rose around them as they transversed the grass. They must have been looking for pokemon that lived in the area. She wondered what they wanted in particular. So far, she'd only see a numel off a good distance from the path she was on, and Lucki remembered learning that those were common in a number of other, less forbidding areas, so she didn't think that was it. She remembered there was some pokemon that was unique to this area, Jagged Pass. What was it?

    She jumped down a ledge into another clump of ash-covered plants, sending up a huge puff of dust. Spoink! she realized. The psychic-type pig pokemon was considered a dependable fighter, and moderately popular among trainers, and it was only found here. If she could get one, it'd make a great addition to her team.

    As the dust settled an odd flash of bright red caught her attention out of the corner of her eye, and she turned to see a familiar red-hoodie- clad person hopping quickly down a thin path a little way away from her.

    Team Magma again! Lucki started to follow, picking her way down as fast as she could. The crunching of her footsteps alerted her quarry, who looked over his shoulder to see her and then took off in a near run. Lucki tried to speed up, following the trail she saw him taking. What was Team Magma doing here, anyway? For that matter, what had they been doing in Rustboro or around Lanette's house? She was going to get some answers. Burning with determination, she started taking small jumps, landing in areas she'd seen him stand and knew were flat. She wasn't closing on him yet, but the gap stopped widening. And he couldn't keep running forever.

    The Team Magma member turned suddenly and disappeared behind a huge rock. By the time she got there, there was no sign of him. Lucki looked all around her, trying to see some clue as to where he'd vanished, but there was nothing. He must have gotten into the trees while the boulder was blocking her view and either hidden or moved fast enough to be out of sight. Lucki sighed. She'd been so close…! She turned to go.

    Her foot caught on something round and spongy, and she tripped, letting out an "Oof!" At the same time, something shouted "Spoink!"

    Lucki rolled over to see an irate Spoink near her foot righting itself and continuing to bounce, the giant pink pearl balanced perfectly atop its head between its ears. "Spoi! Poi!" it yelled.

    Wow, who would have thought I'd trip over the very pokemon I wanted to find?

    The Spoink continued to yell. "Spoink poi!" Another grey Spoink popped out of the sooty grass, and then another.

    What was a group of Spoink called? Lucki couldn't remember. The only thing that came to mind was a murder of murkrow, which was not encouraging. Lucki scrambled to her feet and found herself narrowly avoiding a psywave attack. "Ah!"

    She thought it would be a good time to leave and turned to go, only to find herself face to face with an equally irate Grumpig.

    The black and purple manipulate pokemon looked every bit a dependable fighter, and pretty imposing at that, despite the fact the two black pearls lined up along its muzzle and third pearl on its stomach looked almost clownlike. It was an inch sort of three feet, but, Lucki reflected, it was amazing how intimidating that could be when it easily outweighed you, even with the combined weight of your bag.

    But she did need more pokemon for her team. Lucki sent out Flare. She had been hoping for a chance to get a Spoink, and a Grumpig would be even better.

    "Okay Flare, start off with ember!"

    Flare nodded, releasing a small tennis-ball sized flame. The Grumpig bounced back on its pink spiral tail once, then back to its two-toed feet, pushing out both its arms at the same moment. The ember attack hit against a wide ripple of psychic energy and bounced off at an angle. The manipulate pokemon repeated the motion, tossing Flare into the air with a second psywave. The evolved eevee twisted to land on his feet and the instant he touched the ground he jumped the Grumpig with a quick attack. It was now the Grumpig's turn to fly into the air. It landed on its side and bounced, seeming unaffected, and turned to land on its tail the second time. Right as it bounced off its tail back onto its feet, Flare hit it with a second ember attack.

    The attack didn't seem very effective. Looking unfazed, the Grumpig sent another psywave at Flame, who sprinted to the right, narrowly getting clear.

    Lucki remembered that Grumpig could have the thick fat characteristic, reducing the strength of fire or ice attacks. And this particular one looked unusually well-padded. Still, there were other attacks she could have Flare use. "Bite instead, Flare!"

    Flare jumped for the Grumpig again. It sent out yet another wave of psychic power, but Flare passed through unaffected, protected by the dark type energy of his attack. He bit into the psychic type's side once, then tried to back up. The manipulate pokemon retaliated with a beam of sparkling golden energy before he could do anything more, and in a moment he was swaying on his feet, confused.

    Lucki recalled him and switched in Silver, ordering a water gun attack. Silver obliged, striking the other pokemon, but the Grumpig quickly deflected it again. Silver stopped her attack and looked to Lucki for further suggestions. "Eep!" she shouted as she was lifted into the air by another burst of psychic energy, yanking herself into her shell for protection. She popped back out after landing.

    "Okay, Silver, use your water gun again and wear it down. That Grumpig can't keep blocking forever."

    "Alright!" Silver agreed. She sent out another water gun. The manipulate pokemon did another tail bounce and released another energy wave, sending the water splattering all around. Silver kept up the stream of water. For several moments it seemed like a stalemate. Then the Grumpig's attack failed. The water was inches away before it threw out another psychic burst. Lucki's strategy was working.

    But then Silver's water stream narrowed. In another few seconds it stopped entirely. The tiny turtle panted in exhaustion. The Grumpig angled its arms together, focusing its energy into a psybeam, the force stunning Silver and knocking her out.

    Now what was Lucki going to do?



    A cliffhanger! Well, it seemed appropriate.

    Jump to Chapter Seven
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2006
  3. The Pokemon Master

    The Pokemon Master Master Trainer

    Alright, time for your review! Sorry it got delayed for so long, I have a lot of things to do at the moment, and my internet decided to play dead just as I submitted your review a little while ago. -.- So I'm redoing it, and here you go! *rolls up sleeves*


    Lucki: The main character of this story is quite interesting. She seems to have a kind and caring family, and she seems to really care about others in general. Overall, very well developed! And I'm glad to see that she didn't go all Mary-Sueish after she got Flareon. Great character!
    Silver: It's an amusing little critter, isn't it? Never been swimming, even though it's a Water-type. Oh, the irony. Anyway, she's got quite a personality developing, something you've handled quite well. And I like the how, despite her being shiny, she could prove to be a really weak Pokemon in the end. She's getting quite good, however, which is only to be expected given the amount of training she's already had. I like how you created a way to intriduce her character with a translator, too. Good character here!
    Flare: Not too many people get a Flareon for their second Pokemon, you know. But you managed to temper that by making it completely inexperienced (not a single battle before she picked it up? Gosh, that's just amazing). I actually feel kind of sorry for him. After all, being stuck in a storage room while all the Pokemon around you are being carried off to have wonderful adventures with trainers has got to be a depressing experience. He seems to be picking up his end of the team, though, after some considerable training. He seems to be the source of a great deal of outside interest, though, and Lucki seems more than willing to lend him away for a short time. Hmm... Oh well, another great character here!


    The plot of this story is amazing. The way you portrayed the obtaining of a starter Pokemon was truly unique, I enjoyed it immensely. And your way of showing her journey is interesting as well. Anyone else notice that she seems to be aiming for the Gyms that her Squirtle's good against? First Roxanne, now Flannery. Oh well, maybe it's just me. Glad to see Team Magma (every fiction needs its villain(s), after all), and I wonder if Team Aqua will show up as well. You do seem to have the Emerald version's plot influencing this, but not overly so. Good to see that! Your description's good too, you've spaced it out wonderfully (at least in the most recent Chapters). Wonder what'll happen with the Grumpig, though... Is it already another trainer's Pokemon? Such as the person who said "Hey!" right at the end? Or does that person just want to catch the Grumpig, too? Hmmm...


    This is wonderful, I can't find any mistakes. I could probably read it all again and check, but I do have more reviews (and a Chapter Part) to write, so no time yet. Great job from what I can see, though!


    Wonderful fiction so far, your writing has definitely improved since the beginning. Keep it up!

    Once again, I apologize for the late review. And I also want to apologize for not including more characters and Pokemon in the appropriate section. I just felt that they were really the only ones I could comment on at this point, so they're the only ones I did. I'll do the rest if you want me to, but there's quite a few of them... Ah well. Can't wait for the next Chapter, I've enjoyed this tremendously so far!

    Until we meet again...
  4. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks! I'm glad to hear Lucki's still safe from mary-sue-ness, and that their personalities are good. It's so tricky, so it's great to know it's working out. :D

    ^^ Yep. Well, it was either that or have Lucki and Silver march off to Wattson right off and lose for the first five chapters (electricity pwns, at least when you're Silver) and somehow that didn't seem like the best idea :D Besides, Lucki's education should be good for something, right?

    Yes, although not the way you'd expect...THAT I can promise.

    You're really close, but not quite. :D

    Thanks again for the review!
  5. Nasuka

    Nasuka Guest

    I like this story very much. Lucki is an interesting character and it's very refreshing to see a trainer actually take time to train their pokemon and win because of effort, instead of battling right off the bat and somehow win without experience. I also like how you didn't make the story cliche with a shiny pokemon and a eevee evolution,but instead also make them have almost no experince and not uber strong. This story has lots of action. Overall, this is good fic and worth reading.
  6. Air Dragon

    Air Dragon Ha, ha... not.

    just red all six chapters, icemew! time to review...

    several niggling spelling and a few more grammatical ones marred this fic, but it was interesting so i'll spare you the lecture. just do try to use a spell checking wordprocessor in future, ne?

    overall, Lucki is your average fresh out of school heroine with a regular start. she's not special, but she's so much more than normal too. nice mix. although set in the hoenn region with which storyline many of us may be familiar with, you have, however, breathed uniqueness into it with the ability of Silver to surf early and with a normal track record and not so mary-sueish. kudos to you! the plot is good, the characters colourfully vibrant...you got me into this! i'll keep up the reviews, just pm me when a new chappie comes out! Ok, later!
  7. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Nasuka, Air Dragon, thanks! I'm glad you like it!

    I do actually...I guess it's trying to sabotage me?

    :D And I'll be sure to PM you when I'm done with the 7th chappie. (If anyone else wants me to PM them, leave a note!)
  8. Plum

    Plum Beginning Trainer

    Lucki is such a cool person! Great story!
  9. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks, I'm glad you like it! :D
  10. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Yay! It took me forever, but I'm finally done!

    This chapter is rated PG, as there's a swear. I think that's the way it works, right?

    Chapter Seven - Flame

    Lucki heard a pokeball pop open. A large doglike pokemon with thick black and grey fur tackled the Grumpig, knocking it to the side. It righted itself and sent a psybeam at the Mightyena, without effect.

    "Are you okay?" asked the trainer, a boy with short dark blond hair and amber eyes who looked like he was about fifteen. He was wearing jeans and a yellowish red shirt.

    "Yeah," Lucki replied, blushing embarrassedly. She accepted his hand and got up off the ground.

    The Grumpig bounced off the side of a rock and launched itself into the bite pokemon for a body slam, but the dark type leapt into the air and dodged. Landing, it jumped after the manipulate pokemon, biting hard into the Grumpig. The boy tossed a pokeball into the Grumpig and it was sucked inside. The ball shook a moment and then settled.

    The trainer retrieved the quiet pokeball and looked at it thoughtfully, patting his Mightyena's head.

    "So, what happened?" he asked Lucki, who was healing Silver with a potion.

    "I was chasing a Team Magma member, but I lost him and I wasn't looking where I was going and stumbled over a Spoink and then this Grumpig showed up…Hey! Have you seen Team Magma around?"

    "Nope," the boy responded. "They aren't around here. Maybe because people here train fire types, so they're not as impressed by the team. If you saw one, he was probably just passing through. Oh, my name's Keegan, by the way."

    "I'm Lucki," she introduced. "Thanks for helping me out." The two started down the path.

    "No problem, you helped me get a Grumpig! You headed to Flannery's gym?"

    Lucki nodded. "Yeah, you too?"

    "Yep," he replied. "So, what pokemon do you have?"

    "Besides my Squirtle Silver here, just my Flareon. You?"

    "I've also got a Numel," he answered. "Actually, that's why I'm here. I'm not interested in a badge, I just wanted some advice from Flannery on raising Numbel."

    "Oh, is something wrong?"

    "Nope," he stated again. "They're just kind of weird pokemon to raise, and I'm not sure I'm training mine to the best of his abilities. I figure Flannery would know more about it."

    They reached the end of the forest. By this point the plants were green again, without even a light dusting of ash. They headed out into the sunlight.

    Off to the east Lucki could see a steep drop broken only by small ledges. Beyond it was Route 112, she remembered. Once she had the Heat Badge, she'd be going that way.

    But for now, she and Keegan headed west, into Lavaridge.

    "Hey, is that your Squirtle?" mentioned a blue-haired girl passing them on the sidewalk, half-kneeling to get a better look at Silver. "A real cutie. Is she your pet?"

    "No, my starter."

    "Oh," the girl responded. She looked from Silver to Lucki. "You're a coordinator, then?" she asked.

    Lucki was starting to get annoyed. "No, I'm a trainer."

    The other girl stood back up. "What? But –" she gestured towards Silver, "- it's obvious she's never going to be a fighter. There's no way she'll be able to keep up with trainer pokemon at the higher levels. You'd have to be insane to want to battle with her."

    "Hey! Who do you think you are?" snapped Lucki. "Silver's no weakling! I challenge you to a battle!"

    "No way," the girl replied contemptuously. "I'm not that cruel." She walked off, leaving Lucki seething.

    "That bitch!" Lucki grumbled to Keegan. "Who does she think she is, acting like that!"

    "Oh, just ignore her. She probably just lost a battle and has to feel she's better than somebody," he dismissed.

    "Yes, but – ooh, I can't believe she'd insult Silver and I like that!" Lucki stalked off toward the Pokecenter. "Like to see what she'd think of us getting our second badge. Bet she doesn't even have one!" Lucki ranted.

    She was still annoyed by the time her pokemon had healed, although she'd settled down somewhat. "Alright, let's go to the gym!" she announced as soon as she got her two pokeballs back.

    "Confident, huh?"

    "I'll never know unless I try, right?" Lucki responded, trotting out. "Ooh, hot springs!" They were passing large pond-sized pools of bubbling water, with people lounging and swimming about.

    "Yeah, Lavaridge is famous for the springs. It and Verdanturf are the two major health resorts of all of Hoenn."

    "Right," Lucki replied. "I remember hearing about that. It's supposed to be good to sit in the springs or the sand, right?"

    "Uh-huh, although I don't know how true it is."

    They reached the gym. As Lucki opened the door, a plume of steam billowed out. "Wow," she stated, entering, "it's like a sauna in here."

    "Actually, it is one," Keegan responded. "Well, good luck. I'm not going to be battling, so I'm going ahead to meet with Flannery. Since you're a challenger, you'll have to go the long way, through the obstacle course."

    "Obstacle course?" Lucki repeated nervously.

    "Well, sort of." Keegan pointed ahead of them, where she could see several round holes filled with bubbling water. "Some of those are actually the tops of geysers of water. The gym channels them for this challenge. If you step into one of those, you'll wind up in the room below, and there are others that'll bring you back to the upper floor. You have to navigate through to the gym leader, fighting trainers along the way."

    "That seems awfully hard," Lucki mentioned.

    "Well, it's a good way of weeding out people who aren't serious, right?" Keegan pointed out.

    "Right!" Lucki shouted with determination. She'd show she was serious! She marched forward and stepped into one of the bubbling holes.

    "Ah!" she shouted as she fell through the boiling water and stumbled onto the ground. "Hot!"

    "Well, it is a hot spring, you know," mentioned a voice dryly.

    "Huh?" Lucki wiped the water from her eyes and opened them to see a girl a few years older than her, with short black and red hair and a red outfit.

    "I'm Lehava, one of the challenge trainers," she explained.

    "Yeah, yeah, I get it," Lucki gasped, trying to catch her breath in the humid, hot air.

    "Then pick your pokemon. If you win a one-on-one fight, you can continue."

    Lucki nodded. "Go, Silver!"

    "Go, Slugma!" The amorphous red lava pokemon appeared, its body rolling and bubbling like a slow-motion version of the pools of water. Two large oval eyes sat atop a raised bump that was the head, with plumes of almost feathery looking magma above them. Twin blobs of lava dangled on either side of its face, looking as if they were about to drop.

    "Quick, water gun!"

    "Stop it with a flamethrower!"

    Silver's blast of water collided with the flames spouting from the Slugma's mouth. The attacks exploded into a sheet of hot steam, temporarily obscuring everything from sight. But as the steam cleared Lucki could see Silver had kept up her water gun after the flamethrower had ended, striking the fire type square in the face and making the sluglike pokemon pull back into itself to concentrate its heat.

    "Rock slide!"

    The Slugma re-extended its head. Its body rippled slightly but otherwise didn't move. Lucki thought that it hadn't used the attack, but then rocks appeared above Silver and dropped, burying the tiny turtle.

    "Silver! Are you okay? Try to get out!" Lucki called.

    After a few seconds, a blast of water shot out from the pile, punching a hole through the rocks. Silver climbed out.

    "Yawn, Slugma, knock her out!"

    The lava pokemon stretched its mouth to huge proportions, exhaling a small puff of steam or smoke as it did so.

    "Hit it with another water gun!" Lucki shouted quickly.

    Silver nodded and set another long water gun into the fire type. Its outer skin began to harden and turn grey as it cooled where the water was hitting, and rest of it curled up into a ball again. When the attack finished the Slugma's liquid body stayed pooled in a lump. It had fainted, and the other girl recalled it.

    Silver sat back, looking tired, then suddenly lay down and went to sleep.

    "Oh! Silver!" Lucki ran over and picked the tiny turtle up. After a few moments, Silver opened her eyes and blinked sleepily.

    "What's going on?"

    "You fell asleep from the yawn attack."

    "Oh." Silver yawned.

    "You can heal your pokemon at the machine behind you," Lehava told Lucki.

    Turning, Lucki saw that there was, in fact, a machine against one of the walls, tucked away in a drier corner. She recalled Silver and placed the shiny pokemon's pokeball on the machine's slot, then activated it. After a moment, it dinged and Lucki retrieved it.

    "Okay, so now what?" she asked Lehava.

    The girl pointed to two water columns on either side of her. "Pick one. All paths lead to Flannery in the end, but the long way means you have to fight more trainers. If you pick right, you'll be able to get there in just a few more rooms without battling anyone else."

    "Okay, thanks," Lucki replied. She considered, then walked up to the righthand column. She took a deep breath and jumped in.

    This time she shot up rather than down.

    The room was empty, as were the next two. She stepped into the fourth upward geyser.

    Lucki wiped the water out of her eyes to see Keegan and Flannery talking. She'd made it! Keegan turned to her. "Hey Lucki! Good timing, we've just finished talking." He turned back to Flannery for a second. "Thanks for your help, and please call me if you think of anything different, okay?" He waved to both of them before heading off. "Well, I'm off to take the advice, good luck!"

    Flannery nodded, looking a bit distracted as she shifted gears. She was a few years younger than Roxanne, probably a few years younger, with hot pink/red hair tied back and flaring out behind her. She was wearing a short black shirt with a red heart in the center, and plain jeans.

    "All right!" she said enthusiastically. "You've got two pokemon? Then let's have a two on two battle."

    Lucki nodded, adding, "Okay," as she picked Silver's pokeball and tossed it.

    Flannery sent out a Magcargo. The fire-rock pokemon looked somewhat similar to its unevolved form, but it was darker in color, the red faintly purplish rather than orangey like Slugma, and it lacked the feathery plumes above either eye, both of which were more round than oval. On its back was a shell-like collection of hardened rock, the individuals pieces constantly shifting as Lucki watched, with occasional jets of flame bursting from underneath.

    "Rock throw!" began Flannery.

    The Magcargo swung its shell, tossing pieces of itself straight at Silver, who quickly withdrew into her shell to protect herself from the hot stones striking her. When the barrage stopped she popped her head back out, looking no worse for wear.

    "You can do this, Silver," Lucki called encouragingly. "Hit it with a water gun!"

    Silver sent a quick pellet of water into the Magcargo's head, with enough force that its soft body bent under the pressure, but an instant latter the Magcargo's body popped back into its normal position.

    "Flamethrower, Magcargo!"

    The Magcargo opened its mouth, inhaled deeply enough for its chest to billow outward, then exhaled a long orange stream of fire.

    "Quick, dodge it!"

    Silver threw herself to the side, lying flat against the ground for a few seconds as the fire narrowly missed her.

    "Keep using flamethrower," called Flannery. "It can only dodge so long!"

    Silver eeped and jumped to her feet just in time to get out of the way of the next burst of flame.

    "Use your water gun to fight back!" shouted Lucki. Silver met the next flamethrower with a water gun, temporarily covering the room in a thick cloud of hot steam. She stopped her attack for a moment, only to be hit by the Magcargo's flamethrower. She struck back with another water gun, knocking out clumps of the shell and fainting her opponent. Flannery recalled it and threw out her next without hesitation.

    The pokemon that appeared was another reddish fire pokemon with a shell on its back and a fiery glow emanating from underneath. But in many ways, it couldn't have been more different. Its body was clearly defined and firm, with four legs holding it above the ground and a smooth head and neck free of random blobs and shiftings, and its shell was made of a single solid stone, rather than a collection of pieces. It snorted, releasing twin plumes of smoke from its nostrils. Despite its color and type, the Torkoal before them more closely resembled Silver than the other pokemon they'd fought so far.

    "Another water gun, Silver!" Lucki ordered quickly.

    Silver blasted at the coal pokemon with a stream of water, which hissed as it struck the furnace area under the shell, releasing more steam.

    "Fire spin, Torkoal!"

    The Torkoal spat out a number of small flames, somewhat like an ember attack. They landed around Silver and then flared up into a circular wall of flames, trapping and burning her.

    "Douse the fire with water, Silver," Lucki called quickly.

    Silver shot a water gun through the flames in front of her and jumped out through the hole, but with slight burns on her sides. She sent another water gun at the Torkoal, resulting in more steam. Under the thick vapor, the Torkoal used another body slam, this time colliding and knocking Silver out of the obscuring cloud. A third water gun from Silver hit as well, producing still more steam. The two trainers waited a few moments for their pokemon to become visible.

    "Keep going! You can do it, Silver!" Lucki encouraged as the steam began to clear. "Try to get closer so your attack will be stronger!"

    Silver nodded. "Okay!" She ran forward.

    "Fire blast!" Flannery responded quickly.


    Silver tried, but was only halfway out of the path of the wide flames. The move struck and Silver flinched, but then retaliated with a closer range water gun. The Torkoal shuddered under the blast.

    "Flamethrower again!"

    Lucki called out, "Dodge!" again, but Silver didn't react in time. She was hit head-on by the orange flames and fainted. Lucki recalled her quickly.

    "All right, go Flare!" she shouted, throwing the ball into the center of the room. "Bite!"

    Flare appeared and quickly lunged for the other fire type, sinking his teeth into the turtle-like pokemon's long, exposed neck for a moment before it shook free, knocking him away. He landed neatly on his feet, prepared for the next attack.

    "Body slam!" Flannery decided. The Torkoal lurched at Flare, but he jumped out of the way and the other pokemon hit the ground rather that his body.

    That Torkoal doesn't seem tired at all, Lucki thought. It had taken some damage from the attacks, but was still going strong. Maybe she should try a different tactic. "Flare, toxic!"

    Flare darted forward again, ducking under the shell to bite down on one of the coal pokemon's legs. He released it a moment later, before the Torkoal could drop on top of him in another body slam, but the bite mark remained behind, a livid purple blotch that slowly spread.

    Flannery called, "Pin it down with rock slide!"

    The Torkoal reared up slightly and then stuck the ground heavily with its two front legs. Flare yelped in shock as he was buried under rocks. The Torkoal lumbered over as he struggled loose, body slamming him once he crawled out. Flare managed to wiggle free after a moment and pulled back to get distance again, but he breathing heavily and clearly getting tired.

    But the Torkoal wasn't much better. It struggled to get back up, one leg giving way under it. After several tries it was on its feet again, but the poison had taken effect. The coal pokemon rocked slightly, and its head drooped, no longer held up proudly.

    "Tackle! Finish it off!"

    Flare nodded and began to run at the Torkoal. It lifted its head, inhaling.

    "No!" shouted Flannery. "Endure!"

    But the Torkoal was already breathing out a flamethrower. Flare ran directly into it without flinching and slammed into the other pokemon. The Torkoal remained standing a moment longer, then collapsed.

    "Good battle," Flannery told Lucki, recalling her Torkoal.

    Jump to Chapter Eight
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2006
  11. Shadows Follower

    Shadows Follower Well-Known Member

    Another good chapter. Your description has gotten better from your first chapters can I can visualize the battles better. I would like to see a bit of comedy but I guess you can't fit everything into one chapter. In my opinion, more description is better but you choose what you want. Keep it up anyway as I'll happily read the next chapter.
  12. Air Dragon

    Air Dragon Ha, ha... not.

    Sweet! Nice battle! Keegan seems cool, and that girl was a b****... anyways, reviewing time!

    Just one thing i wanna cross check for you...

    Numel? or is that it's nick name?

    all in all, a good chapter! keep it up and keep me posted for new chapters! Later!
  13. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Shadows Follower, thanks, I'm glad you liked the battles. I was worrying they might have been too long, but I guess not :D That's a relief.

    I'm not really good with comedy...I'll try to put some in, though.

    Air Dragon, yeah, it was the nickname. Now that you mention it, it really isn't that clear. And I'm glad you like Keegan!
  14. The Pokemon Master

    The Pokemon Master Master Trainer

    Well, this was a nicely done Chapter. As mentioned before, your description is improving quite a bit, and your grammar is still very good. Glad to see Lucki win the Gym match. Two down, six to go... wonder if she'll catch another Pokemon soon?

    Until we meet again...
  15. Comoesa

    Comoesa Boulder Trainer

    Pretty good story...pretty good chapter. Bo Lucki seemed a bit out of character. And why does almost everyone Lucki meets, there pokemon don't have translators.
  16. icemew

    icemew Banned

    The Pokemon Master, thanks, I'm glad to hear you think I'm doing better with description too.

    Well...maybe... ^^

    Comoesa, what do you mean, out of character? And the people she meets do usually have translators, I just don't always write out conversations between everyone. Sometimes they're not out, or they're busy battling.
  17. TheTurquoiseTauros!

    TheTurquoiseTauros! This is bull crap!!!

    Wow!! Great job! I love it, but I am confused about what route Lucki takes. Not the original way like it the game or anime. But other then that its very good.
  18. icemew

    icemew Banned


    The route Lucki's taking...well, she's going on the same routes as in the game, but in a really different order. She starts in Verdanturf, uses the tunnel to go west to Rustboro, then up and through Meteor Falls to Fallarbor, then down to Lavaridge. There are all routes between these places, but you can't use them for much of the game. Once she gets to Mauville it should be less confusing, because she'll be more-or-less on the normal game route.
  19. shadowlight

    shadowlight Fraught With Peril

    Great job
    I like how she takes a different route but it is a little confusing
    I hope the next chapter is just as good
  20. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks shadowlight! The route should be less confusing from here on, so hopefully that'll be less of a problem.
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