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Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by icemew, Feb 6, 2006.

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  1. icemew

    icemew Banned

    The Pokemon Master - oops, the first was shouldn't have been there. Fixed that, thanks!

    The Snorlax tried, and it did body slam, but Silver was staying further away and using watergun most of the time. No chance to sit on her. It makes sense a smaller pokemon would be able to dodge better.
    He's not that strong. Lucki's almost at Fortree, she's not quite such a rookie now...
  2. The Pokemon Master

    The Pokemon Master Master Trainer

    You're very welcome! 'Tis what reviews are for.

    And you're right, it does make some sense, but even considering all of that it's a bit questionable that Snorlax couldn't use its sheer bulk to push through the Water Gun and squish her. Still, it was well written, so I don't exactly mind. At least not for this battle situation. Don't let it get too wierd, e.g. Silver beats Zapdos. Exaggerated example, to be sure, but hopefully you get the point.

    Until we meet again...
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2006
  3. Plum

    Plum Beginning Trainer

    Oh no! Her pokeballs are gone! What's going to happen next?!

    Anyway, it's so great that Flare won! Yay!
  4. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Well, the battle went pretty much watergun, Silver going "AAH!!!" and running out of the way of the Snorlax, watergun. There were many squishing attempts.

    Poor Silver.

    And Plum, thanks! Glad you liked it.

    And hey, who rated this one star??
  5. Rani Fernleaf

    Rani Fernleaf Innocent Sarykins

    You've been officially Monostar'd! Evil, evil people. They did it to me too. S'fine, just means you're awesome XD

    'Kay. -silently pretends that self didn't wish for a good squishing. Cause dramatic=good.- That works for me.
  6. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Ick, three one-star votes in a row. Guess I really shouldn't get involved in touchy fights...

    But here's chapter 11! My keyboard was being strange, so there might be some really weird typos. I proofread three times, but I don't know if I got them all.

    Chapter 11 - Trouble

    Lucki's first thought was a Linoone stole it. The rushing pokemon could be even more troublesome than their pre-evolved forms of Zigzagoon. But there was no reason why a Linoone would open her bag and run off with just her pokeballs. They'd just make off with the whole bag.

    Pokemon thieves.

    Lucki shuddered. To think someone like that had come in the night while she was sleeping, without her knowing anything...

    But who would do something like that? Team Magma?

    Those creeps would definitely do something like that. They hadn't thought about right and wrong when they tried to steal those blueprints from Devon, why would they this time?

    They wouldn't get away with this. She'd...

    ...what? She was out here without her pokemon. She could try to get to Mauville or Fortree, but that would take hours, and by then the thieves could be gone. She was on her own. Completely.

    Lucki smiled suddenly. I bet the last thing they're expecting is for me to cause them trouble...


    There! Lucki thought in triumph, spying figures moving a little way below her. She was lying on her stomach on the ground, concealed by the heavy vegetation that covered the edge of the small cliff she was on, a thick mixture of trees, bushes and grass. And even if she could have been seen, none of the figures seemed to be paying any attention to the area above them.

    The figures below were on the large main path, by a white pickup truck. I knew it! Two of them, both in the distinctive Team Magma outfits – two red cloth bands around either arm, gray-black gloves, gray pants with a red belt and more of the red bands around their ankles above their gray shoes. And of course the weird red hood with black horns on either side, like they were pretending to be some sort of demon.

    It looked like they were loading bags into the back of the truck. Or one of them, anyway, a boy who looked like he was maybe thirteen who was turned toward the direction Lucki was, although there was no chance he'd see her, hiding in the bushes and up so high. He didn't seem like he was paying any attention, anyway. The other boy was turned away, head completely hidden by the red hood. He looked taller and older, maybe by a year or two, and probably keeping watch. The younger boy slung a brown sack into the back of the truck. The tie on the top loosened and a handful of pokeballs rolled out. One bumped against a rubber tire and popped open. Flare appeared. He looked around.

    "Hey boy," said one of the Team Magma members, walking over and patting him on the head before picking up the open pokeball and recalling him. "It's a shame we can't keep them, huh?" he commented to the older boy, who was gathering fallen pokeballs. "That one looked friendly."

    Why didn't Flare do anything?

    "Don't kid around. That was close," responded the older boy. "We're lucky that the Flareon was so laid back." His voice sounded familiar. Maybe he was the same one Lucki had defeated before.

    "Yeah, I'll be more careful. Still, it's a shame. I always wanted a Flareon. I'd call him Helios. He looked like a Helios."

    "He looked like he's not yours. C'mon, focus."

    Up on the cliff, Lucki fumed. I don't believe it! Why'd Flare just stand around like that? She sighed. I guess there's no helping it. But now that I've found them, what do I do?

    She hadn't seen any other trainers around, and guessed that even if she had run into anybody, odds were they'd have been pokemonless too. She needed to get to the truck and grab the bags, but getting there without the help of a pokemon would be tough and getting away again even tougher. And she'd need to hurry, no telling when they'd take off.

    Lucki realized she hadn't seen any pokemon for a while. Maybe they stayed clear of people without pokeballs on display, figuring there wasn't a chance of battles?

    Just as she was thinking that, another hoodie-wearing member showed up, carrying a smaller bag.

    "How'd it go?" called one of the first two. His voice was definitely familiar, Lucki was sure of it.

    "I think I got all of them – a few of them scattered after the first attack, but they stuck around around for a fight, and there were only a few left around to flee after that. I think I mopped all those guys up. And the plan worked great – no interference at all." He flashed a thumb's up at the other two.

    At that moment an arc of wind smashed through the trees on the side of the road into the new member, knocking him to the side and the bag off his shoulders. It hit the ground and pokeballs scattered everywhere. A Tropius flew out, headed for the pokeballs, only to be tackled to the side by a Mightyena one of them had let out in the confusion.

    The Tropius attempted another gust, but the dark type shrugged it off, running in for a bite attack. The Tropius shook itself free but rather than attack again attempted to fly off. It looked unsteady, and Lucki could see its wings were torn. It narrowly dodged the Mightyena's next attack and flew away – right toward Lucki's hiding place. She scrambled back.

    The grass type came crashing through the trees to come to a halt almost at Lucki's feet. Up close, she could see it – he - was in bad shape, with red scratches and scrapes all over his tan body, and his green leaflike wings looked even worse. Over his exhausted pants Lucki could hear the shouts of the three Team Magma members giving chase.

    "Hey!" she shouted.

    The Tropius slowly turned his long neck to regard her.

    "You've got to get moving, they're going to get you!"

    The Tropius let out a low cry. He attempted to stand, but one foreleg crumpled under him.

    "Okay okay wait!" Lucki rummaged through her bag, pulling out the Sitrus berries. It was a good thing she'd thought to collect them earlier. "Here, eat these, quick!" she told it, holding them out.

    The Tropius took them. He chewed the berries as Lucki frantically searched her bag, pulling out a super potion. She sprayed it on the Tropius' injured leg. "Come on come on!" she hissed, watching the injuries fade. The Tropius let out another deep cry. He tested his leg.

    "Can you move now?" she asked right as the first Team Magma member appeared.

    "Go!" he shouted, throwing out a pokeball.

    Quickly, the Tropius dipped his neck and grabbed Lucki by the back of her shirt. Then, wings humming, they rose into the air, dodging an energy ripple as they took off.


    Lucki wasn't sure how long they flew. It couldn't have been that long, especially not with the Tropius in the condition he was in, but when you're danging in the air by the back of your shirt with criminals on your tail and a decidedly unsteady pilot, everything seems to take longer.

    The Tropius dipped sharply and landed a bit roughly in another section of the forest, a good way from where she started, setting her down. Lucki stumbled slightly as she caught her footing and took a few deep breaths.

    "Thanks," she told him, turning. "Are you okay?"

    The Tropius was looking worse, neck drooping and his wings completely shredded by the landing. Still, he nodded gravely in response to her question.

    "So, I guess Team Magma stole all your friends, right?"

    He nodded again.

    "They stole my pokemon too," Lucki replied, getting another potion from her backpack and starting to spray it over his injuries. "I was just thinking of doing something like you did. So, wanna team up? Get back at those jerks?"

    Lucki was expecting something enthusiastic, but the Tropius just nodded a third slow time, looking determined. "Ius."

    Jump to Chapter Twelve
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2006
  7. Air Dragon

    Air Dragon Ha, ha... not.

    hmm, that was short... the poor tropius seems really bashed about... if his friends were captured, does that mean he can't travel with Lucki, or were they wild too...

    thanks for the shout out, i really gotta go. Later!
  8. shadowlight

    shadowlight Fraught With Peril

    Hmm I was wondering about that too
    I hope that they get to travel together
    He would make a nice addition to her team
    I can't wait for the next chapter
  9. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    To tell the truth, I have been avoiding this story for I thought, (misguidedly) that this wouldn't be any good. You proved me wrong. Very wrong. =D I have only read the first chapter, but it has hooked me right in. Great job! =D

    I will be back when I have caught up, I just wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed this... =D
  10. Plum

    Plum Beginning Trainer

    This is really exciting! Hurry and continue, PLEASE!!!
  11. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Wow, a fourth one-star in a row, that's like a record or something. Least I got more votes and nice replies!

    Air Dragon, yep, the Tropius didn't have an easy morning at all. And he's wild, that's why he's up and about. Team Magma's poaching on top of stealing trainer's pokes. Evil people.

    shadowlight, well, maybe.....

    katiekitten, hi! I'm glad you did decide to read after all. What gave you that impression? Anything I can change?

    And thanks, Plum, I'm happy you like it too!

    New chapter will be up soon...ish.
  12. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    I took entirely too long to finally get around to this thread, let me tell you...

    Well, at least I finally did get here to read this, and I'm glad I did. I like the plot, particularly in that it follows its own course through Hoenn rather than simply being just a predictable reflection of R/S/E and just going from gym to gym in the same order as the games. There are also plenty of nice surprises and unexpected twists in this story, particularly the theft of Lucki's Pokémon.

    My favorite thing about this is easily the use of the Pokémon translator devices. They do a great job of conveying the Pokémon's thoughts and feelings, which makes the Pokémon feel more like characters rather than just accessories to the human characters. That's a quality I always love to see in a story. ^^

    I look forward to reading more of this. ^^ Before I depart for the time being, here are my favorite funny quotes from the story:

  13. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Thanks, Sike Saner, I'm just happy you did get around to reading it! I'm glad you liked the gym mixup, I think I confused some people with that. :D And I'm really glad you like the pokemon, I'm always worried of slipping into pokebot territory or doing something else wrong!
  14. DarkPersian479

    DarkPersian479 Well-Known Member

    Wow... this is something else. Well articulated battles, clear personalities of the Pokemon, and it's pretty original considering it's in the Hoenn region that we know all too well. I'm in the process of rewriting my own fic and trying to make it an "original" journey fic (starring a girl) that stands out, like yours does (only I do have the "tree" professor and a self-made region). However I am having trouble developing distinct personalities for my Pokemon and you seem to have an excellent handle on it. I like this one because unlike some of the "critically acclaimed" 5-star ones, this one isn't intimidating or daunting. Its a good, well developed story that I can immerse myself into. And yes, I do have a soft spot for original original trainer fics starring strong-willed girls :)

    Grammar mistakes are few and far between, and they don't really detract from the enjoyment of the story itself.

    Only problems I've seen so far are Lucki getting evolved forms quickly, and the somewhat skewed battle vs. Snorlax. Even with two evolved forms it doesn't seem that Lucki is overly dominant in her battles. I'll be looking forward to updates of this for sure, and I may even be inspired for my own fic. But I won't steal your ideas (like the translator thingie), I promise! I'm not like those jerks from Team Magma!
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2006
  15. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Wow, thanks DarkPersian479!

    Pokemon personalities, well, for each pokemon I picked a certain distinct trait for it, like timid/hyper, as the starting point. It seems to work pretty well.

    I guess she did get a lot of evolved forms but then the story's about halfway done now, and she's about halfway through her badges too. Usually by this point in the game my team's pretty developed. Those two are her only ones, too.

    :) Well the translators aren't just my idea. Other people have used them too.
  16. Kenouni Renashin

    Kenouni Renashin Hear me roar!

    *Feels guilty for not reviewing every chapter.*
    I really like this story, I really do.
    Your writing style reminds me of my own ^o^
    I feel so sorry fo rthat poor Tropius u.u
    Anyhoo...I think you're doing really well! Keep it up.

    ;249; Kenouni Renashin ;250;
  17. icemew

    icemew Banned

    :) No problem, I'm just glad you did end up reviewing. And thanks!

    Wait til you see what happens to him next chapter...
  18. Skysthelimit

    Skysthelimit Hoenn's Superstar

    Hmm. This is the first time I have seen this thread.
    And I must say, I rather enjoyed reading it this rainy afternoon
    I am fond that you chose Tropius to be in the story
    Its one of my favorites. =D
    Good luck, and keep writing
  19. icemew

    icemew Banned

    Skysthelimit, glad you had the time to read! It's always great to get a new reader.

    Chapter Twelve – Retaliating

    "All right," Lucki muttered, watching the path and single Team Magma member approaching, bag slung over one shoulder. "You ready?"

    By her side came the quiet agreement of, "Ropi."

    "Good. I'm going then." Lucki stood, brushing dirt off her knees, and jumped into the path.

    "Hey!" she shouted boldly at the startled Team Magma agent. "What do you think you're doing?"

    He looked at her in surprise. Then the gust attack hit, knocking him over and making him drop his burden. Lucki ran forward, snagging the bag of pokeballs off the ground and taking off as he was getting up. He started to chase, only to swear as he was cut off by a sudden flurry of razor-sharp leaves launched by Tropius. Lucki could just imagine his perplexed look as he tried to decide to chase her, going one way, or deal with the attack coming from the other side of the road. She didn't wait for him to figure it out.

    She ran for a few minutes before she was certain she was safe, then opened the bag. It was filled with ultraballs. Probably stolen too. She opened them, releasing a multitude of Roselia as well as a pair of Linoone. No Tropius, but it was a start and these didn't deserve to belong to criminals any more than the Tropius' herd did.

    I wonder why they're catching all these guys. To sell, I guess.

    The Tropius came a few minutes later. He was a lot better at finding her than she was at finding him. He looked okay, barring his wings. They were yellowing and wilting despite the super potion she'd sprayed on them, but he seemed not to mind. It was a good thing that Team Magma hadn't given serious chase though, as it was obvious there was no way he'd be able to pull off another flying escape.

    Of course, she wasn't their goal. Their goal was whatever they were doing with the stolen pokemon. She was just getting in the way of that. And doing a good job of it, she thought spitefully as she started back toward the path. She'd managed to stop one of the Team Magma poachers. They'd have to catch all those pokemon again. And they couldn't stay here forever. Sooner or later one of the other trainers would get to a city and report this. Hadn't Team Magma gotten kicked off Mt. Chimney within a few hours of their taking that meteorite?

    She started to head back to the path. "Time to find another target."


    Two bags later Lucki found herself running for her life. Apparently they'd figured out what she was up to, and this time, when she ran out, another Team Magma jerk had been waiting. She'd barely even seen him before he'd thrown a pokeball out and she'd taken off before things could get worse.

    She heard an order shouted and dropped flat as the psychic attack rolled over her, smashing through the trees and bushes just above her. One of the last Team Magma pokemon had tried something similar, but it hadn't been half so destructive. The plants and air was so wet that fire attacks hadn't had effects like that.

    The instant the attack ended she scrambled back up and kept running. I'm not your goal, remember! she thought angrily. Your boss didn't declare today's mission Make Lucki's Life Suck! So quit chasing me already!

    Another attack didn't come crashing down on her, so she slowed and risked a glance behind her. She didn't see anything – well, besides a bunch of destroyed plants – or hear another attack called.

    She could hear water up just ahead. Figuring she was lost now, she headed forward, stepping out of the forest onto a narrow beach by the Rain River.

    Lucki took a deep breath and looked around, trying to get her bearings. She turned back to the forest, holding one hand above her eyes to shade them as much from the light rain as the noon sun.

    At which moment a Grumpig bounded out of the forest, psychic energy gathering in its hands.

    Not another one! Lucki thought. Or maybe – was that what Team Magma was doing there on Jagged Path, when I saw the one? Catching pokemon, like they are here? she realized. And maybe I should be running right now rather than thinking about all this.

    But then something huge leaped out of the water. Lucki turned in time to see a gigantic Sharpedo arced in the air, a hyper beam gathering between its massive jaws for a second before shooting out and sending the Grumpig crashing back into the forest.

    "Hey, are you okay?" asked a boy in a black and white stripped short sleeved shirt and blue pants. He was wearing a bandanna tied over his head and had dark gray gloves on his hands. Team Aqua. "They stole your pokemon, right?"

    "Yeah – What are you guys doing here?" she demanded.

    "Hey, hey!" the boy protested, putting his hands up defensively. "We're the good guys."

    "That doesn't answer my question," Lucki replied suspiciously.

    His hands still in the air, the Team Aqua boy responded, "We heard Team Magma was getting involved in something again over here, and figured we should do something about it." He paused a second to look her over. "From how you look, it's probably a good thing we did."

    Lucki looked down at herself. Her clothing was dirty and mud-splattered, her shirt and skirt ripped at the edges, and she had small red scratches on her arms and legs from the bushes she'd been pushing through. "Okay, point. But what are you guys planning?"

    "We're just here to stop them. If you have any ideas that could help, or could just fill me in a little...You've been out here a while, right?"

    Lucki nodded. "They stole everyone's pokemon, I think, and now they're poaching. I think they might've robbed a store beforehand, because they're using ultraballs. They had a truck up that way," she told him pointing northwest, "on the main path."

    "Any others?"

    "I didn't see any, and all of the Team Magma guys I saw were heading that way. I don't know how much longer they'll be staying – I've been jumping lone ones and grabbing the pokeballs, but they could always decide to leave without a full load."

    "That's good. They're usually pretty fast about this, so they get out before we can get there. You're probably the reason they were so delayed. They're just using a truck, though? On the main road?"

    Lucki nodded.

    "We've cut them off then, no problem." He grinned. "Actually you're kind of lucky. We're the stronger group. If the tables were turned and we were the bad guys, well, that'd be pretty bad."

    "And you're so humble, too," Lucki retorted sarcastically.

    He laughed. "Okay, we'll get moving." He walked over to the edge of the river, where his Sharpedo was waiting, and jumped onto its back. "Just head to where that truck was. By the time you there, we'll have your pokemon safe, no problem." He waved and the Sharpedo took off upstream.

    She headed back into the forest, starting north. She came across the Tropius before long, and cringed. His wings were just gone, probably torn off on the way, leaving just four vibrant green bumps on his back where they had been attached.

    "Hey, are you okay?" Lucki asked worriedly.

    The Tropius nodded slowly.

    "But your wings...are you sure?"

    The Tropius nodded again. "Pius." He didn't seem to be in any pain.

    "Well, okay," she responded dubiously. "If you're sure."

    The Tropius just nodded a third time.

    "Well, I met up with Team Aqua. Seems they're here to stop Team Magma too. The one I met up with was really confident. I guess we'll find out if he's right or not, because he said by the time I got there, they'd have won." She grinned. "I guess we should get going and find out, huh?"

    They continued northward for several minutes. Soon, they were almost there.

    "Trop!" called a voice, and Lucki turned to see a pair of Tropius bound out of the trees toward them. The two were smaller than the one who'd been traveling with her, and both their wings were undamaged.

    "Trop!" replied Tropius.

    "I guess they really did it," Lucki remarked. She sped up to go around the bend of the path, where the truck had been.

    It was gone, but there was a different Team Aqua member waiting who grinned and waved when he saw her. "Hey, you're the girl who got attacked by some psy-type earlier?"

    "Um, yeah."

    "I've got a message to pass on: Sorry, but the Officer Jenny said she was taking all the trainer's pokemon back to the Pokecenter for redistribution. So, you'll have to pick them up there." He shrugged. "But no worries, we got everything. Although they got away...well, they've always excelled at high-tailing it afterwards. Have to be good at something, right?" He grinned.

    Lucki smiled back. "Yeah."

    "Well, that's all I had to pass on. Bye!" He headed off.

    Lucki sighed. I guess I'll have to wait a bit longer to get my pokemon back. No big deal, though, I'll be in Fortree soon.

    She turned to see the Tropius. "Well, we did it," she told the grass type, who nodded in response. "Um, I was wondering, now that that's done, would you like to come with me, as one of my pokemon?"

    The Tropius nodded again.

    "All right!" Lucki yelled.

    Jump to Chapter Thirteen
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2006
  20. Plum

    Plum Beginning Trainer

    Wow, what is with that Tropius?

    Anyway, another great chapter! Keep up the good work! :D
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