Maggots of Society [Journey Fic - R]

[Ventus3]

((My text is in bold xD))

Luphinid Silnaek: Okay, I'll answer your numbered notes then!

1. Nice guess here, really nice guess.

2. Yes, Jason is desperately trying to hang onto his illusions that Andrew is great because he is the only friend he has, and because his whole world would fall apart if he realized Andrew isn't as great as he thinks he is.

3. Ooooooh, so close! *gives maggot cake*

4. Yes, she is going to be pretty complex. Though I grew fond of Jason in a way. Andrew is just a little snot I want to punch.

5. I know! I still can't quite believe it myself. XD

Thank you for your review! You have some VERY good guesses! I love it when people try to analyze my work. =D

Legend of Lucario: Yea, I hope some things make sense later on, but I honestly don't think it's all THAT confusing...or at least, I tried to make it very clear that Jason was the one who had the memory in the beginning. Some of the later chapters will get even MORE mind-boggling. D:

This story's gonna be like a Rubix cube, except without the weird contests in Finland that involve solving them with just your feet. xD

Kacho: Uh, if you're getting confused, I don't know what you'll do in the next chapters. And how did you manage to read this one in the first place if you kept mixing them up? o.o; Jason is the shy one with the 'Andrew complex'.

Ten year olds don't have attractions? That's news to me, since I had some crushes back then...o_0

Same here xP I pretended to get married once when I was ten to this girl I had a crush on xD.

Sorry about the Caterpie part - it's not too important.

I didn't need to see that, trying to erase now xD

Thanks for the comments, though!

Ventus3: Andrew hit Jason because he disobeyed him. Then after he peed his pants, he becomes enraged when Jason asks him if he's okay. Oh, spanish homework...well if you need any help on that you can ask me, since my first language is spanish. XD

I hope the next chapter is coming out as soon as you can make it come out. Now to Spanish! Oh cruddles she didn't teach us about TV xD! *tries to figure out Spanish words for TV show types*

 

[Burnt Flower]

jeremyruano: Whaaaaaaaat, all the sentences look the same? x_x Ugh, could you give me some examples (like bobandbill did)? This is a HUGE deal. *sigh* I really tried to mix things up a bit.

And actually, the first chapter was supposed to be only 5 pages just like the prologue, but then it just...became longer as I wrote.

Ventus3: Hahah at the whole rubix cube thing.

If you have any other problems, don't be afraid to PM me or write in my profile. :3

 

[Ryano Ra]

xDD Yeah, I also thought the first chapter was only going to be about five pages, but I'm actually glad that it came out much longer than you expected. Hopefully that means the second chapter will be a bit longer. ^.^; xDDD *smears your face with his hand*

 

[Elemental Charizam]

Nice chapter. Works very well with the prologue to create a sense of foreshadowing. Considering that Andrew goes from being infatuated with Claire to hating her guts (at least, I assume it's her in the prologue) and Jason goes from being the subordinate to being the one in control there must be something big in the future.

So far Andrew seems like quite the craven character with his accident and his reliance on Jason. I'd say that he's probably the one of the two more dependent on the other, behind his cool guy facade - Andrew seems to long for acceptance and acclaim, whereas Jason is an introvert and, besides that, doesn't have a large ego to sustain.

In places, the description feels kind of forced - you sometimes use adjectives where they don't quite seem to fit, which stops the prose from reading in a fluid way. It's what I do when I force description out of the way becaue I don't really want to write it. That said, there are some beautiful pieces in there, too. I'll give some examples of sentences I thought sounded off:

It was a child; he was barely a bundle of dirty rags, his extremely emaciated frame partially concealed by his ratty, colorless clothes. Once he noted the boy’s presence, he raised his dirty face, his sunken eyes silently imploring him.

The "extremely" here, for example, seems unneccesary.

Here's a random error I spotted:

A lone boy was huddled underneath a half-crumbling rooftop of a dingy pub, depression and sorrow etched in every contour of his pasty face, when he heard the faint cry.

The first "a" should be a "the".

5/5

 

[Burnt Flower]

Ra: I don't know if the second chapter will be longer or not; if it is, many people won't like that, but oh well, they'll just have to live with it. =P

EC: Hola EC!

Yes, that is really one of the major points as to why I wanted to go back to the past so readers could see the differences between the past and the present. Oh, and yeah, really nice analysis of Andrew; in a way, he is MUCH weaker than Jason, and this terrifies him.

Haha, I agree with you. I really have a bad tendency to add that extra adjective. XD But I do that not because I don't want to write the scene or want to get it out of the way; the first quote comes from one of my favorite scenes in chapter one. I'll try to cut it down, you're right.

Oops, will correct that!

Gracias, EC! *hugs* (as to why I'm speaking in spanish, I have no clue XD)


TO ALL: I haven't written the second chapter yet...(except for one scene), but I think I know what it'll be about, so I'll get right to work.

Oh and I don't know if anyone's interested, but here are some changes I made in the prologue and chapter one from the first draft:

*In the first draft, Claire was originally called 'Casey'. Yeah.....

*Jason didn't really give a damn about Andrew, and was really sarcastic in the first chapter. Oh, and he was really artistic (I had to delete a whole scene where he was sketching a Weedle). I have no idea what I was smoking when I first wrote that.

*Andrew's hallucination originally didn't provide him with his real inner voice, only showing his nice side to fool readers at first. Dunno why I changed it...

 

[Legend of Lucario]

That's interesting.

You completly changed Jason's personality from the original draft. So anyways thought I'd comment on that.

Another thing was that I figured you had already written a couple of chapters from one of your comments to me on the preview. It doesn't matter but I can't wait for it!

 

[Burnt Flower]

Legend of Lucario: Yeah, his personality was a complete 360° turn. XD

Nope, I was planning on writing several chapters before posting my story, but that didn't happen. =P



Oh and today's my birthday!!! I expect lots and lots of reviews, haha! *cracks whip*

 

[Legend of Lucario]

Oh yeah I saw that! Happy birthday Patteh! My brother's birthday is on Thursday and the new Miley Cyrus CD comes out today! Man so many events happening. I really got to get that CD though

ON TOPIC:

Okay so anyways still loving the fic and if there is a four page wait between every chapter then I cannot wait for page 8!

 

[Sike Saner]

First of all...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :D​

Second of all... I am liking the frell out of these characters. They seem quite realized, especially Jason (though of course, I have gotten an especially long look into his head since that chapter did follow him). ^^

And I found Andrew rather fun to read about in that chapter. And it was interesting, I thought, that he, who seems to have issues with the Squirtle line if what the victims of his toy-slaying were is any indication, ended up with not only one but two Squirtle--a Squirtle in a Poké Ball and a "squirtle" in his pants.[/jokeIjustcouldn'tresistmaking] X3

And Claire... yeah, I find her creepy as all frell. X3 I love creepy characters.

Highlights:

He knelt down beside a sodden, slimy cardboard box, seriously deformed by the heavy rainfall and the passage of time. With slightly trembling hands, the boy opened the malformed flaps, anxious at what he would find inside.

It was a child; he was barely a bundle of dirty rags, his extremely emaciated frame partially concealed by his ratty, colorless clothes. Once he noted the boy’s presence, he raised his dirty face, his sunken eyes silently imploring him.

“Please help me,” he repeated softly, weakly lifting one bony hand. And reflected in those wide, brown eyes was the dawning of a terrible and horrifying madness unlike anything the frightened boy had ever seen before…

Wow. o.o Quite a memorable image, there, in my opinion.

“I don’t like this toy,” Andrew said, examining a Squirtle figurine with a vapid smile painted across its plastic face. Without any preamble, and much to Jason’s shock, he gleefully broke one of the cyan arms, splintered the tail, and finally – as though assessing the final brilliant stroke that would complete his masterpiece – snapped the head off, before dumping the pieces unceremoniously onto Jason’s lap. “It looks better now.”

I love it when an act of destruction is referred to as being performed "gleefully". X3 Also, I thought that describing the Squirtle figure as having a "vapid smile" was a nice touch. I can totally picture a Squirtle with that kind of face, and the image of such amuses me. X3

In comparison, Jason was just a puny weakling, a nasty tumor on humanity’s backside, a writhing maggot that was abhorred by all…

Lovely choice of words. X3

“Oh, so that’s the girl you like,” Jason said, before scrunching his nose in disgust. He wanted to warn his friend about the rampant cootie infection all girls had, and comment on his unhealthy infatuation, but he remained quiet.

FEAR TEH COOTIES! XD I pretty much always like it when the subject of cooties comes up in a story. X3

Leaving behind all pretenses, she stared almost hungrily in their direction, her face hideously contorted in a grotesque parody of a smile.

“I see you.”

Holy crap, that's creepy!

Although he felt like his intestines were tying themselves into knots, Jason decided to throw his Pokeball into the air as well, a certain curiosity taking hold of him. It split open, a beam of formless light almost blinding him, as it took shape.

The orange lizard blinked his brown eyes rapidly from the bright sunshine, swishing his fiery tail in the process. Charmander took one good look at surroundings – from the disgusting, yellowish puddle of vomit, to his new trainer that looked freshly unearthed by some gravediggers – and promptly returned back to his Pokeball.

XD I loved that. I loved how the Charmander took one look around, was all like, Fuds to this! and went right back into the ball. XD And I liked the part about how Jason "looked freshly unearthed by some gravediggers", too; I liked that choice of words.

Jason quietly went back to the camp site, not saying anything at all.

But he wasn’t worried.

After all…

Andrew Morton always knew best.

There is something I find very, very ominous about that part... o_o


I'm continuing to like the frell out of this, and I'm looking forward to more. And I definitely want to be on the PM list, oh yes. ^^

 

[Dusk Eagle]

Good chapter. The only part that had me confused was where Jason's perspective jumps from the dream of the child back to reality, and that's only because I didn't read this line as thoroughly as I should have:

Hearing his friend’s voice, the boy abruptly came out of his eerie stupor with a mind-halting crash back to the present.

Good story, looking forward to chapter 2, where we meet the real Claire (I think)!

 

[Air Dragon]

OH, you better believe it, Dusk Eagle!

Well, i caught a couple of errors here and there:

at the end of the alley

unbidden images came to the forefront on his overly agitated mind.

his blue eyes with his red pyjama sleeve.

Watch the last one... it happened before...

Wow, i guess i can kinda relate to Jason a little. but seriously, the dude really needs to get out more... so far he looks like the only non-psychotic cast member so far, downtrodden to introvertism by Andrew's violent tendencies...

Well, only time will tell if the poor guy will get a spine... or get his snapped.

mwahaha.

L@er!

 

[Legend of Lucario]

Just browsing the fan fiction section and came back to say that I like your fiction. I can't wait for what happens after the scene that you wrote for chapter two. You have us all wondering!

So anyways bye!

 

[duncan]

Very nice. I enjoyed this one almost as much as the prologue. Needless to say, I loved the prologue. XD

The beginning was very good, some good imagery there. I got a bit confused while reading it, but I'll put that up to me being tired.

Jason nodded timidly, knowing full well how much his friend desired to become a full-fledged Pokemon trainer: posters of Professor Oak’s wrinkled face were plastered all over the walls, heaps upon heaps of charts detailing Pokemon attacks lay upon the desk, and encyclopedias dealing with fascinating subjects – such as the mating habits of Caterpie - were scattered messily all over the floor.

Nice little detail there. XD

Jason felt an annoying itch in his arm, and was also experiencing something akin to claustrophobia, when he saw her.

I don't know, but this seemed a little awkward to me. Rewording this a bit might help.

“If you say so…” Jason said vaguely. This girl was nice-looking in Andrew’s eyes, so he tried to look at her in the same appreciative light, but failed miserably; in his opinion, she looked more like a runt-like alien from another planet.

It's because of her girl cooties, obviously. XD

His friend had raised one dark hand, and struck him hard across his face, his expression bereft of any compassion. The inhibited boy had taken it silently, knowing full well in his heart that he deserved so much worse. Even now, Jason still felt the sting of the slap on his cheek, but that was nothing compared to the look of complete and utter disillusionment that had shone darkly in Andrew’s eyes. Jason covered his pale hands over his face, feeling tears come to his anguished blue eyes; he really was a complete failure.

I like how you portrayed Jason's...devotion, I suppose, to Andrew so well. Although I don't see why (yet) he's like this, you did it well.

And wow, look at all these replies. Although some of the comments might be considered spam, though. Don't want any trouble, do we?

Anyway, judging from the preview, I'd say the next chapter is going to very good indeed. Nice job.

 

[jirachiman876]

Man its taken me too long to read this. -_- I'm angry with myself. Other things turned into band camp which made it hard for me to get on to read this. ^^; Good stuff though. I really like the dominant personality in andrew and the little somber Jason tagging along. You do really well with their personalities. I like claire though. She's a very interesting person. I can't tell what she's thinking if she's a really some kind of homicidal maniac like Jason is percieving or a nice girl who also has a curch on andrew. ^^ It's very good I can't wait for more!!!
jirachiman out ;385;

 

[Ventus3]

All I have to say is, I hope you can get another chapter out before the fourteenth, seriously, I have to leave for five days then, and I don't think my mom's gonna bring the router for my network with us.

Great job, also, I wonder why I'm now thinking of Rihanna's song Disturbia when I'm reading this fic. xD Good Job again Burnt Flower!

 

[Burnt Flower]

Legend of Lucario: I doubt we'll reach page 8 before I post the second chapter. XD Extremely belated happy birthday for your bro, though! Thanks for the support! *hugs*

Sike Saner: Siiiiiiiiiiiiike, heyyyyyyy! I'm sorry I couldn't reply to you sooner.

And you get a super maggot medal (I know, cheesy; someone shoot me, please) for being the ONLY person who noticed Andrew's hatred for Squirtle!!!! It's a very important detail. And yeah, Claire is SUPER creepy.

BTW, I love it when you quote parts of my fic; that's how I know what parts I'm doing well. XD

Ahaha, I loved to write Charmander's reaction.

Despite it all, Jason is still a typical kid. =p

YES, you mentioned the last part! Oh poor, deluded Jason........

AND THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I'm twenty now. XDDD *HUGGLES* Thanks a million for reviewing!

Dusk Eagle: I really should've made that line a lot clearer. Many people were confused...;_; Yup, we finally meet the real Claire...

Thanks for reviewing!

Air Dragon: Wait, isn't the American spelling for pajamas is, well...pajamas? I'll correct the other mistakes, though!

Yes, Jason isn't a sociopath...but he still has deep issues.

Annnnnnd....

Well, only time will tell if the poor guy will get a spine... or get his snapped.

Kudos for this! Ohohohoho, you shall see in time......*smiles evilly*

Thanks for the comments!!!

duncan: Haha, the prologue was fun to write about. =P Oh and Jason's devotion will be explained in detail throughout the upcoming chapters. Damnnnnnn, I'm going to correct those mistakes when I can; thanks for pointing them out to me! And yeah...I realize I might have a problem like that...I love my reviewers...but I really don't want my fic closed. ;_; Thanks for the review, duncan!

jirachiman876: Well...if you really think Claire is just a normal girl with a crush on Andrew...just wait until the next chapter. XD Thanks for reviewing, Lewis!

Ventus3: Ackkkk, I'll definitely try...but I'm incredibly busy right now. D:




TO ALL: I'm sorry the second chapter is up next! x_x I'm moving from Bolivia to NY in two days and I'm soooo incredibly busy, it's almost ridiculous. I'm REALLY sorry about this.

Oh and the next chapter will be all about...Claire.

 

[Ventus3]

Have a fun time moving! xP I've had to move every like two years when I was younger so I feel your pain slightly, but I was always in the same school xD.

 

[aSc1@3]

I just started reading this, and it is awesome. i was confused about the prologue and the first chapter until i looked at the titles. also, if jason found andrew, why does it seem that andrew is the boss? and andrew's personality in the prologue reminds me of Bean from the Ender's Shadow series(am reading Shadow of the Hegemon) if you've ever read it.

P.S. Can I be added to the PM list please?

 

[Legend of Lucario]

wow you have not updated here for a while Patteh. I still cannot wait for the next chappie and...

YOU HUGGLED ME. I love hugs. So anyways can't wait. I luzz you has a fanfiction writer

*Hugs*

 

[Burnt Flower]

Ventus3: Haha, I have moved before to Chile and Argentina, but it's always difficult at first. *nods sagely* Thanks, though!

aSc1@3: Yay, new reader! Jason and Andrew's relationship will be explained later on...and why exactly Andrew became the dominant one, so to say. And sure, I'll add you to the PM list!

Legend of Lucario: Thanks! I know I haven't updated in quite a long while....I've been a bit busy. D: But you guys are what keeps me going!




TO ALL: Yeah, I've been very silent these days...I am SO sorry about that. Being in New York has been a bit hectic for me. XD But don't worry, i guarantee you'll love the second chapter and I'm working on it. *cracks knuckles*