Black Murder Heavangelon
Ow! Ow! Harder! Ow!
This is a little story about what happened before, after, and maybe during the game. this chapter will explain how it all got started. It will be in script format, seeing how all funny stories are like that.
This story is rated PG - Pg-13.
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Chapter 1
Ruby Heart is on her ship, looking out into the sea at night.
Ruby Heart: Ah, the sea. Such an omniscient beauty. It’s like I’m home, safe. Wonder how long it has been since I’ve been home…
Some random pirate crewman walks onto the ship
Crewman #1: Uh, Captain?
Ruby Heart: Yeah?
Crewman #1: I think I’m having my period…
Ruby Heart: What the f- Are you crazy? You can’t have periods!
Crewman #1: And why not?
Ruby Heart: Because it would violate the rules of nature and pretty much everything else we stand for.
Crewman #1: It’s a free country!
Ruby Heart: …a free country?
Crewman #1: Yeah. You know? America?
Ruby Heart: Please. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a free country. How stupid…
Crewman #1: You’re stupid!
Ruby Heart: …
Throws Crewman off board
Ruby Heart dusts her hands off
Ruby Heart: Those sharks will be feeding tonight. Honestly, a free country…
Crewman #2 enters
Crewman #2: Has anyone seen Bob?
Ruby Heart: Which Bob? The drunk-off-his-*** Bob, the lazy Bob, or the Bob who holds a gun that isn’t loaded yet he still believes it is?
Crewman #2: You forgot constipated Bob.
Ruby Heart: Oh, and what about He-who-cuts-himself Bob?
Crewman #2: Wait; there is two of ‘em. Which one are we talking about?
Ruby Heart: Which one are YOU looking for?
Crewman #2: …I forgot.
An island comes into view
Ruby Heart: Oh, land h- wait.
Crewman #2: What’s wrong?
Ruby Heart: I can’t say it.
Crewman #2: Why?
Ruby Heart: Because it’s wrong.
Crewman #2: How is that so?
Ruby Heart: Women never say that. Seriously, think of me saying that and you’ve got yourself a yurist.
Crewman #2: Yurist?
Ruby Heart: You know what I mean.
Crewman #2: Not really. I don’t even know what that means. Is it Japanese for- Oh…
Ruby Heart: Yeah… Why don’t you say it?
Crewman #2: Good idea. LAND HO!
On the island beach. The setting is morning
Ruby Heart: Alright everyone. We’ve made land. Problem is I don’t know what land we landed on.
Crewman #3: At least it’s land, right?
Ruby Heart: Let’s hope its friendly land.
Crewman #4: Are there any sharks here?
Ruby Heart: Sharks?
Crewman #4: No wait, that’s just stupid. Let me rephrase that. Are there any land sharks?
Ruby Heart: For the love of god (rubs her forehead). I’m surrounded by idiots.
Crewman #5: Hey, where’s the flush handle on this tree?
Ruby Heart: I stand corrected; morons.
Deeper into the island, like, jungle deep
Ruby Heart: Okay, we should probably start looking for that treasure. Everyone, start looking.
Crewman #3: Should we be on the lookout for X’s on the ground? The treasure is usually buried there.
Ruby Heart: Burying the treasure is old. Nowadays, people hide their treasure in volcanic caves, or temples, or in their underpants.
Crewman #3: But there’s a big black X right there on the ground.
Points to a big black X on the ground
Ruby Heart in a hauntingly voice: It’s just an illusion.
Crewman #3: No, I can pretty much see it.
Crewman #4: Me too.
Crewman #6: I can’t see anything.
Crewman #5: That’s because you’re blind.
Crewman #6: And crazy as ever.
Ruby Heart: Just pretend it’s not there, okay? Now start looking!
Scene changes to Crewman 2, 4 and 5
Crewman #2: What are we doing? I’m tired.
Crewman #4: Captain Ruby told us…like, twelve times we’re looking for treasure.
Crewman #2: Why are we taking orders from her?
Crewman #4: Because we’re stupid.
Crewman #5 enters with a medallion
Crewman #5: Hey guys, does this count as treasure?
Crewman #2: I think the treasure we’re looking for is inside a chest.
Crewman #4: Where’d you get that thing?
Crewman #5: Oh, from him.
Points to a Mummy, as in THE Mummy from “The Mummy”
Crewman #2 and 4 look at Crewman #5
Crewman #5: What? He lost this to me in a poker game!
Scene changes to Crewman #3 and 6
Crewman #3: I don’t care if it’s clichéd or not, the treasure has to be under this big black X.
Crewman #6: Where is this ‘X’ you spoken of?
Crewman #3: How did you get so blind?
Crewman #6: I don’t know. It happened while staying at my grandma’s house.
Crewman #3: You poor, poor thing…. Well, let’s get digging!
Crewman #6: Hand me a shovel. Don’t leave it in my hands, I’ll find it soon…
Crewman #3: Here, now dig!
The two start digging
Crewman #6: You know, if we DO find the treasure, why don’t we just keep it for ourselves?
Crewman #3: That is a good idea; but remember, the captain will hunt us down for it.
Crewman #6: We could use it to cure my blindness.
Crewman #3: You and your selfish needs. You don’t need surgery, you just need faith, trust, and-
Crewman #6: Pixie dust?
Crewman #3: What are you, crazy? According to recent studies, they found mercury in that stuff. What you need is miracles. They happen unexpectedly, they might even happen right now.
Crewman #6: Wait, I think its happening.
Crewman #3: That’s it, believe in the miracles.
Crewman #6: I can see better now, my eyes are whitening. I see the light. It’s a holy miracle!
A monster octopus suddenly appears from the hole
Crewman #3 and 6: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
Octopus: RRAAAAWWRRGGHH!
Crewman #3 and 6: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Octopus: RRAAAAWWRRGGHH!
Crewman #3 and 6: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Octopus: RRAAAAWWRRGGHH!
Crewmen and octopus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Crewmen: …………
Octopus: ……………
Crewmen: ………..
Octopus: Aren’t you gonna run away?
Crewman #6: Aren’t you gonna eat us?
Crewman #3: Don’t provoke him, idiot!
Octopus: Actually, I don’t eat humans. I only scare them so they don’t eat me.
Crewman #6: So, you were only scaring us so we would run away?
Crewman #3: Thank God you’re the only monster that doesn’t eat humans.
Octopus: Well, you might wanna worry about those flying crocodiles.
Crewman #6: Where?
Octopus: Behind you.
Crewman #3 and 6: F(beep)!
Scene changes to Ruby Heart in front of a chest
Ruby Heart: Found it! I did better than anyone of my crewmates. Where are they, anyway?
Crewman 2, 4, and 5 run by Ruby with the Mummy chasing them. Then Crewman 3 and 6 run by her with flying crocodiles after them. Then some random crewmate runs by Ruby with a giant boulder on his tail.
Ruby Heart: Oh well, their loss.
Review if you like. Just no flames please. I love this game a LOT!
This story is rated PG - Pg-13.
--- --- --- ---
Chapter 1
Ruby Heart is on her ship, looking out into the sea at night.
Ruby Heart: Ah, the sea. Such an omniscient beauty. It’s like I’m home, safe. Wonder how long it has been since I’ve been home…
Some random pirate crewman walks onto the ship
Crewman #1: Uh, Captain?
Ruby Heart: Yeah?
Crewman #1: I think I’m having my period…
Ruby Heart: What the f- Are you crazy? You can’t have periods!
Crewman #1: And why not?
Ruby Heart: Because it would violate the rules of nature and pretty much everything else we stand for.
Crewman #1: It’s a free country!
Ruby Heart: …a free country?
Crewman #1: Yeah. You know? America?
Ruby Heart: Please. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a free country. How stupid…
Crewman #1: You’re stupid!
Ruby Heart: …
Throws Crewman off board
Ruby Heart dusts her hands off
Ruby Heart: Those sharks will be feeding tonight. Honestly, a free country…
Crewman #2 enters
Crewman #2: Has anyone seen Bob?
Ruby Heart: Which Bob? The drunk-off-his-*** Bob, the lazy Bob, or the Bob who holds a gun that isn’t loaded yet he still believes it is?
Crewman #2: You forgot constipated Bob.
Ruby Heart: Oh, and what about He-who-cuts-himself Bob?
Crewman #2: Wait; there is two of ‘em. Which one are we talking about?
Ruby Heart: Which one are YOU looking for?
Crewman #2: …I forgot.
An island comes into view
Ruby Heart: Oh, land h- wait.
Crewman #2: What’s wrong?
Ruby Heart: I can’t say it.
Crewman #2: Why?
Ruby Heart: Because it’s wrong.
Crewman #2: How is that so?
Ruby Heart: Women never say that. Seriously, think of me saying that and you’ve got yourself a yurist.
Crewman #2: Yurist?
Ruby Heart: You know what I mean.
Crewman #2: Not really. I don’t even know what that means. Is it Japanese for- Oh…
Ruby Heart: Yeah… Why don’t you say it?
Crewman #2: Good idea. LAND HO!
On the island beach. The setting is morning
Ruby Heart: Alright everyone. We’ve made land. Problem is I don’t know what land we landed on.
Crewman #3: At least it’s land, right?
Ruby Heart: Let’s hope its friendly land.
Crewman #4: Are there any sharks here?
Ruby Heart: Sharks?
Crewman #4: No wait, that’s just stupid. Let me rephrase that. Are there any land sharks?
Ruby Heart: For the love of god (rubs her forehead). I’m surrounded by idiots.
Crewman #5: Hey, where’s the flush handle on this tree?
Ruby Heart: I stand corrected; morons.
Deeper into the island, like, jungle deep
Ruby Heart: Okay, we should probably start looking for that treasure. Everyone, start looking.
Crewman #3: Should we be on the lookout for X’s on the ground? The treasure is usually buried there.
Ruby Heart: Burying the treasure is old. Nowadays, people hide their treasure in volcanic caves, or temples, or in their underpants.
Crewman #3: But there’s a big black X right there on the ground.
Points to a big black X on the ground
Ruby Heart in a hauntingly voice: It’s just an illusion.
Crewman #3: No, I can pretty much see it.
Crewman #4: Me too.
Crewman #6: I can’t see anything.
Crewman #5: That’s because you’re blind.
Crewman #6: And crazy as ever.
Ruby Heart: Just pretend it’s not there, okay? Now start looking!
Scene changes to Crewman 2, 4 and 5
Crewman #2: What are we doing? I’m tired.
Crewman #4: Captain Ruby told us…like, twelve times we’re looking for treasure.
Crewman #2: Why are we taking orders from her?
Crewman #4: Because we’re stupid.
Crewman #5 enters with a medallion
Crewman #5: Hey guys, does this count as treasure?
Crewman #2: I think the treasure we’re looking for is inside a chest.
Crewman #4: Where’d you get that thing?
Crewman #5: Oh, from him.
Points to a Mummy, as in THE Mummy from “The Mummy”
Crewman #2 and 4 look at Crewman #5
Crewman #5: What? He lost this to me in a poker game!
Scene changes to Crewman #3 and 6
Crewman #3: I don’t care if it’s clichéd or not, the treasure has to be under this big black X.
Crewman #6: Where is this ‘X’ you spoken of?
Crewman #3: How did you get so blind?
Crewman #6: I don’t know. It happened while staying at my grandma’s house.
Crewman #3: You poor, poor thing…. Well, let’s get digging!
Crewman #6: Hand me a shovel. Don’t leave it in my hands, I’ll find it soon…
Crewman #3: Here, now dig!
The two start digging
Crewman #6: You know, if we DO find the treasure, why don’t we just keep it for ourselves?
Crewman #3: That is a good idea; but remember, the captain will hunt us down for it.
Crewman #6: We could use it to cure my blindness.
Crewman #3: You and your selfish needs. You don’t need surgery, you just need faith, trust, and-
Crewman #6: Pixie dust?
Crewman #3: What are you, crazy? According to recent studies, they found mercury in that stuff. What you need is miracles. They happen unexpectedly, they might even happen right now.
Crewman #6: Wait, I think its happening.
Crewman #3: That’s it, believe in the miracles.
Crewman #6: I can see better now, my eyes are whitening. I see the light. It’s a holy miracle!
A monster octopus suddenly appears from the hole
Crewman #3 and 6: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
Octopus: RRAAAAWWRRGGHH!
Crewman #3 and 6: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Octopus: RRAAAAWWRRGGHH!
Crewman #3 and 6: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Octopus: RRAAAAWWRRGGHH!
Crewmen and octopus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Crewmen: …………
Octopus: ……………
Crewmen: ………..
Octopus: Aren’t you gonna run away?
Crewman #6: Aren’t you gonna eat us?
Crewman #3: Don’t provoke him, idiot!
Octopus: Actually, I don’t eat humans. I only scare them so they don’t eat me.
Crewman #6: So, you were only scaring us so we would run away?
Crewman #3: Thank God you’re the only monster that doesn’t eat humans.
Octopus: Well, you might wanna worry about those flying crocodiles.
Crewman #6: Where?
Octopus: Behind you.
Crewman #3 and 6: F(beep)!
Scene changes to Ruby Heart in front of a chest
Ruby Heart: Found it! I did better than anyone of my crewmates. Where are they, anyway?
Crewman 2, 4, and 5 run by Ruby with the Mummy chasing them. Then Crewman 3 and 6 run by her with flying crocodiles after them. Then some random crewmate runs by Ruby with a giant boulder on his tail.
Ruby Heart: Oh well, their loss.
Review if you like. Just no flames please. I love this game a LOT!