Chapter 1: Gym Challenge
Maxie studies hard in his classes, trying to build a strategy to beat Roxanne. (I'd expand on this section - perhaps show the strategies he's been debating between? It would help to demonstrate the way Maxie's battling mind works and revealing character's thoughts can be a powerful way to open their personality up to the reader.) He trained Combusken to do attacks, and he studied battles (Again, I'd expand on this. Mebbe give examples of the attacks and the way he trained Combusken to perform them. Same with the battles. Which battles did he study (through books/videos/lectures?) and what did he gain from studying them? These are big points and can really be fleshed out. Whilst I like the quick pace you've got here, you can afford to slow down a bit.). After several days, or even weeks (Mmm, I'd reword this - it's a bit awkward. Perhaps 'Sometime soon, be it weeks or days from now'. For some reason, what you've got now is seeming like a bit of a list of things to do. 'Blah happened, and after that, blah...'. I feel that highlighting the uncertainty here would help - it makes his future that little bit less assured - and thus a little bit more real.), he would battle Roxanne for his permission to PBF Academy, and his first badge, which means “Beginner” in the Academy. If you got in without a badge some how, (even though it’s impossible) you would be at a lower class that beginner (If it's impossible to get in without a badge, how come there's procedures for people who don't have badges? Mebbe just delete this sentence as the logic of it is a bit tangled.). He must obtain the Stone Badge. Maxie sent a request note to the office to challenge Roxanne (I thought he wanted to battle after he'd had a bit more time to prepare? If time has passed, then I suggest you show it more clearly. This is in the same paragraph as where you said he would battle her in the future and thus it seems that it's in the same day/timeframe that Maxie was wanting the extra time. My advice is to separate this - perhaps into another paragraph where you show how Maxie has improved over time and now feels ready to make his challenge.).
The next day, during battle time, (A time where you must battle opponents, or engage into an important battle) (I'd avoid using brackets to explain things. It kinda rushes the story a bit. Try getting rid of the brackets and then taking the time in a proper paragraph to explain a bit about what 'battle time' is.) Maxie was sent to the gym arena to battle Roxanne. She stood there waiting for Maxie to enter and take his spot After reading through your story before editing, I can see how 'in control' you shape Roxanne to be. As such, perhaps you could make this section a bit more dramatic and intimidating? Not necessary, but it would add a bit of flare...).
“Are you, Maxie, requesting a challenge to gain entrance to PBF? (I wouldn't use the abbreviation here - this is a formal battle challenge, the results of which will affect legal/administrative requirements. In a way, it's like filling in an official form - and those things tend to use full names for things.)” she said.
Maxie said nervously, “Ye… Yes…Ma’am.”
Roxanne gave Maxie one bit of advice, “Don’t be nervous, you should always be excited and truthful ('truthful'? That doesn't fit. And although 'excited' works, I'd suspect that an adult trainer would advise a newbie to be confident in battle and 'true to their heart' when they decide if they will battle or not. Or something to that effect.)to be in a battle, especially since YOU challenged me. Let’s go.” (Despite the 'excited' and 'truthful' bit, I like this part. ^^ It's realistic and satisfying to see the predictably nervous trainer get told to get over it.)
Maxie took the advice, and became proud and said, “All right”
Battle: Maxie vs. Roxanne (Uh, this is bit annoys me - it's dividing the story up into little sections where it might just flow smoothly. It's also distracting your readers from the actual content. I'd cut it and simply use paragraphs.)
Roxanne sent out a Geodude, a rock-type Pokemon, while Maxie sent out his fire-type Pokemon (I wouldn't use 'a rock-type Pokemon' followed by 'fire-type Pokemon'. While there's a lot to be said for repetition, it doesn't belong here. Just 'sent out his fire-type' will do. And since you've already introduced his Combusken, you could probably just have 'while Maxie sent out Combusken'.), Combusken.
“Okay, Geodude, start off with tackle!” commanded Roxanne (I don't like 'commanded' here. It does convey the meaning and help to show Roxanne's confidence, but it's too long. If you're going to make it long, I recommend making it properly long and describing way she commanded it - with power and confidence or whatever you pick.).
Maxie said, automatically (Since the comma has to go there (I think), I'd make it 'Automatically, Maxie said'.), “Dodge, Combusken!”
Combusken quickly jumped to the right, and Geodude just missed by an inch.
“Go, Combusken, use Fire Blast!” said Maxie.
Combusken used Fire Blast in a long strip of fire as it came toward Geodude (As Combusken came towards Geodude or as the fire came towards Geodude? Clarify here.). As it hit Geodude without even trying to dodge, the fire blasted away from Geodude, and cooled off, canceling the attack. (Again, jumping in the use of 'it'. Be very clear about what you're meaning here - it's a dramatic point in the story so you don't want your readers confused.)
“No!” cried Maxie, “The attack didn’t affect Geodude.” (And I'd advise putting either an exclamation mark after 'Geodude' instead of a full stop (to make it sounds more forceful) or putting '...' after 'Geodude' to make it sound like Maxie simply trailed off.)
Roxanne commanded, “Geodude, use…. Rock Tomb!”
Maxie gasped - ('-' or '...' cause I don't think a comma belongs here. Either complete the sentence with a full stop or make it trail properly into the next one.) that was one of the most powerful rock attacks that Roxanne used. There was no chance of Combusken escaping the attack. (Aren't Combusken's incredibly fast compared to Geodude's? If there was time for Maxie to gasp and realise that Combusken couldn't escape and time for Roxanne to then call off the attack, surely Combusken could have dodged in that time?)
“Stop! I surrender! Stop your attack!” Maxie begged.
“Geodude, cancel command,” said Roxanne immediately. “Not to be mean, but you have to defeat me in order to get to the academy. Students there are stronger then me. Practice up some more and you will get there. I promise that you will, I trust you, but my trust won’t get you there (Again, I don't think that 'trust' is quite the right word here. 'Believe in' sounds cornier, but it fits better. Eh, whatever you pick, I suggest you change it.). Class will start soon. You should get to your next class. Bye. (Since Roxanne's so fond of formal language (ie: 'cancel command' instead of 'stop' or 'hold it' or something) I more imagine her saying 'Goodbye instead of simply 'bye. It's just a bit more in keeping with her character and mannerisms.)”
Later that day…
Maxie was lying on top of his bed, thinking about his battle. Having a flash back he asked himself, “What did I do wrong? Combusken’s fire blast didn’t affect Geodude. That is a very powerful attack. Whoah, awkward wording. 'That is a very powerful attack' doesn't sound natural.. it's too formal. Maxie's just thinking to himself - surely he thinks casually?)”
Maxie got up, and got a handbook from his desk, and started reading it. It shows the average attacks a certain Pokemon could learn, and he looked up Combusken. Searching, he found 3 (As always, use words instead of numbers. 'three', not '3'.) attacks that could also be bought as a TM. He planned to go to the Devon Corporation the next day. (Now here's a VERY tasty serve of originality. In my experience, it's rare that TMs are used at all in stories... and I can't remember ever coming across their use to help make a come-back after losing - EXTEMELY well done here. This is fresh and interesting... though how's Maxie gonna be able to afford TMs? Eh, find out next chappie, I suppose.)
). It's a colon because you're saying what his pokemon was. When you say something about a place, a phrase, then you say what it is; it is a colon.