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Max's Hoenn Journey

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by harryheart, Sep 2, 2008.

  1. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    I have always wanted to know what Max got up to when traveling with Pokemon so I decided to create my own story of his journey. This is all about Max's travels in the Hoenn region and his developments as a trainer. It tracks his growth from where we last see him in the animé to where I envisage him heading, both in terms of development and also travels.​

    Please do comment on what you think of it, the plot, characters, techniques and skills and anything else that you feel you want to comment on. It's always better to get a review than not get anything, as constructive criticism is very helpful in improving the story and future chapters, bearing in mind that my latest chapters are a product of such helpful reviews.​

    Max's Hoenn Journey Intro 1 - Chapters 1 - 16
    Max's Hoenn Journey Intro 2 - Chapters 17 -27
    Max's Hoenn Journey Intro 3 - Chapters 28 - 36/41
    Max's Hoenn Journey Intro 4 - Chapters 37 - 40/42 -47

    - 2010 Serebii Fanfic Awards:
    Third Place - Best Human Supporting Character with Roxanne
    Joint Third Place - Best Character Development

    - Bulbagarden Fic Of The Month - April 2012

    Character Bios
    Max's Team
    Harriet's Team
    Roxanne's Team

    The Index Of Chapters
    Chapter 1: Decision, Decision, Demander
    Chapter 2: Tough Call Charmander
    Chapter 3: Oldale Towns ‘Protector’
    Chapter 4: Who are they?
    Chapter 5: A whole lot-a steel trouble!
    Chapter 6: Zigzag through the mind!
    Chapter 7: Back with a clash!
    Chapter 8: A Blast From The Past
    Chapter 9: Typhlosion, Typhlosion, Typhlosion! I love that Pokémon!
    Chapter 10: The right way to win!
    Chapter 11: More Force behind the Punch
    Chapter 12: Once more Round the Bend
    Chapter 13: Time to Fly!
    Chapter 14: Which way? - What way?
    Chapter 15: Sigh Puppet
    Chapter 16: A Week in Charge
    Chapter 17: Rise and Shine
    Chapter 18: A First Time for Everything (Part 1)
    Chapter 19: A First Time for Everything (Part 2)
    Chapter 20: An Iron Skill
    Chapter 21: Rock, Paper, Scissors! - Initial Post - Concluding Post
    Chapter 22: Like a Burmy to a Flame
    Chapter 23: A Devious Agenda of Sides
    Chapter 24: A Rampaging Solitude of Rock
    Chapter 25: The Plane Game
    Chapter 26: Conclusion in a Solution
    Chapter 27: A Silhouette Backtrack (Part 1)
    Chapter 28: A Silhouette Backtrack (Part 2)
    Chapter 29: A Silhouette Backtrack (Part 3) - Initial Post - Concluding Post
    Chapter 30: The Music Style
    Chapter 31: Don't Forget Me
    Chapter 32: A Chance Brawl (Spring 2013)
    Chapter 33: Hit 'em Hard
    Chapter 34: Hey it's Mine!
    Chapter 35: Stones Galore
    Chapter 36: Yet another...
    Chapter 37: Something is Coming...​

    Chapter 1: Decision, Decision, Demander

    It was a warm and sunny morning in the heart of Petalburg City, as Max awoke to the calls of his neighbour’s Chatot repeating the news of the latest results from the Sinnoh Grand Festival.

    “We have now finished the preliminary stages of this year’s Sinnoh Grand Festival. All contestants performed unique and inspiring acts, but the judges had to choose 60 finalists out of the 248 that entered this year. Who will come out on top and be crowned a Top Co-ordinator? I am honoured to announce these lucky finalists, they are as follows…”

    ‘Hnnn’, Max sighed sitting up and staring out the window into the forest of buildings known as Petalburg City while swinging his legs over the rim of the bed. His room seemed brighter this morning, today of all days. What a great day to get in touch with nature and Pokémon, a day to start his travels. He wandered over to the white coloured window, leaning against the wooden ledge that was a recurring theme in the house, something his Great Grandfather had thought of a century ago while he was Gym Leader in Petalburg. The hoard of Taillow were flying backwards and forwards, soaring through the wind with no difficulty and no need to flap their wings, only having to glide gracefully down the streets to reach their destinations.

    “Honey, are you ready yet? You're going to miss Professor Birch,” called his Mum from the living room, where she was stocking Max's bag with enough PokeBalls to make his fist few captures and checking he had all the suitable items. “Max dear, you don’t seem to have packed an extra pair of clothes?” She called up to her child, zipping the bag closed and walking back into the kitchen to prepare a special breakfast for her little man, a nice send off before he came back ready for his first Gym Battle.

    Just then back upstairs where Max was still intrigued with watching Pokémon in their habitat, the door burst open and Delcatty ran over to Max, jumping onto the ledge where she took full attention towards him. He hadn’t seemed to acknowledge her presence yet so she hit him with a Double-Slap directly in the face to break him from his trance.

    “Delcatty! That really hurt,” Max growled, wincing at the pain streaking across his frowned face and turning his back to the beige coloured cat. “I’m in a real hurry so not now Delcatty. I need to get ready and sort out my clothes, but thanks for the wakeup call! We might have time for a game later.” With that remark Delcatty’s purple ears pricked on end; its bushy tail glowed brightly causing a blinding light, a blue beam formed in her mouth with a little charged energy. Max was hit with a full-blown ice-cold beam, a chill swept through the room even though the windows were shut. The cat Pokémon had used a move known as Assist, picking a particular attack from one of the Pokemon’s team mates. No one ever knew what move would be produced, but this time it was Glaceon’s Ice Beam and really caused Max to become angry, boiling over with rage.

    “Nagh,” Delcatty sighed. May, Max’s sister, was a Pokémon Coordinator who was on her journeys in Johto. However she had decided to leave her Delcatty, and newly evolved Snorlax at home for training purposes with her Dad Norman, who ran the Petalburg Gym. Delcatty and Snorlax were both used in a few Gym battles from time to time under May's request, but mostly Delcatty had become the family Pokémon.

    “Delcatty, you never know when to quit!” Max mumbled, attempting not to upset Delcatty again with any of his comments and causing more pain for himself, although at this point it wouldn’t have mattered, nothing was going to stop him from starting his journey; pain was just a slight hiccup.

    Max took one last glance at the Taillow, stretching all of his limbs before slowly heading over to his wardrobe to begin to pick two outfits for his journey. Anything he forgot he could pick up in two weeks when he returned. The first was just an ordinary blue shirt with black trousers and a fluffy woollen jumper; his second choice was a green t-shirt with a Pokémon fleece and plain red shorts. The last t-shirt was the same as when he travelled with his sister, Ash and Brock. Since he had mostly been prepared, he had already packed the essentials in his bag the night before, so he wouldn’t be in a rush this morning. He rapidly pulled the last set of clothes on, grabbing the other items of clothing and racing downstairs, narrowly avoiding his Dad’s Slakoth that was lying on the landing, snoring his way closer to the edge like his nature predicted.

    Max ventured toward the smell of sweet pancakes emanating from the marble kitchen, grabbing his bag on the way. At the same time his Dad opened the back door leading into the kitchen from the greenhouse where his Sloth like Pokémon loved to hang out.

    “Morning Dad!” Max glanced at his neatly dressed Father walking inside, placing the metal food bowls onto the smooth side and reaching for the specialised Pokémon food.

    “Good to see you with a beaming smile. That doesn’t come often!” his Dad teased, causing Max to become slightly embarrassed which was normally the case whenever he spoke to his Father.

    “How’s Snorlax Dad? Doing well I hope.” Snorlax and Max were old friends, knowing each other from a few years back when May caught it as a Munchlax.

    “He’s fine, and is getting the hang of using Hyper Beam. He’ll be a tough Pokémon to beat now!”

    “That’s good, but I can tell you me and my Pokémon will succeed in beating you and earning a badge!” Max couldn't stop smiling from excitement, he was so eager to receive his future partner.

    “Max honey, have you decided what you’re going to pick? That is a tough choice so I would start to think about it!” Carolyn tossed the pancakes into the air elegantly, as if she was in her childhood again, competing in contests.

    “Mum, its obvious: it’s going to be Mudkip, it has so much potential that I want to help unlock."

    “You’ve already decided?” His Mum was amazed; it had taken her a whole three hours to decide that she wanted a Treecko while waiting around her local Pokémon centre with her Mother coaching her into a decision. “Well good luck dear, I know you’ll make a great trainer.”

    Max grabbed his pancake from the plate, stuffing it straight into his mouth and swallowing instantly without chewing. The car was waiting for him; ready to see him off into the wide world where many adventures lay in wait to catch Max off guard, some with life changing experiences. He slumped into the front seat of the car and quickly opened his yellow bag to check that everything he needed was in there, finally the moment was approaching. Norman slid in to driver’s seat, starting the car and revving the engine, kicking a dust cloud behind him.

    “Good luck, Max. Remember I always love you.” Carolyn waved from the porch, wiping away a few spots of tears as Delcatty and Snorlax also made their way to the front lawn to wave off a dear friend.

    Max sat in the car. He stared out the window at the flock of Murkrow flying over the Gym, eyeing all the possible food, one day one of them could be part of his team, battling for him. How great could that be, owning different species of Pokémon. The car began to kick up dirt...and they were away, on the path to gaining a Pokémon. Max wearily lay back against the seat and wondered about the journey he and his Pokémon would face, who they would meet and what obstacles would befall them. If only he knew what was there to trip him up. The moments were getting tenser and tenser as they approached the exit of the City, leaving the hum ad buzz that came with it. Max was becoming closer to the start of his travels. Thoughts began to roll across his mind. Will Mudkip like me? Will he obey me? Will it even be a he?

    “Max, you're just worrying, Son,” Norman calmly said, in hopes of soothing his agitated boy while zooming along the road past rustling bushes.

    “Huh? What do you mean Dad?" His blank face starring into the eyes of his loving father, pleading for help without intentionally asking, only needing to show his emotions.

    “I can tell by the look on your face that you’re worried, and you're wondering whether the Pokémon will like you. I thought about the exact same thing when I was your age and went to receive my first Pokémon, although I hadn’t decided what I would have. I worried about the same thing. In the end I got there to find the Pokémon had escaped and Professor Birch’s father gave me a Slakoth to go and retrieve the starters. It ended up with me bonding with Slakoth and claiming that as my starter, but you already know that story.” The lab became visible through the thick forest of trees; Max was inches away from the start of his new life. “Looks like we’re here Son, you ready?”

    Max nodded and swung the car door open climbing out into the blinding light that unveiled him to Professor Birch and Professor Oak who stood in front of him.

    “Huh? Professor Oak?” Max was astounded to see Professor Oak here, at Birch’s lab. “What are you doing here? I heard you were at a Professor conference meeting up with Gary in Sinnoh!"

    “Well, the conference isn’t happening right this instance. So I wanted to come and visit an upcoming Trainer. Conferences can always wait, but visiting you can't, as I presume I will find it difficult to visit you again in the future.”

    “Well Max, let’s show you to the Pokémon, come inside so you can choose your starter,” stated Professor Birch.

    Max nodded, and everyone followed Professor Birch inside the laboratory to where six PokeBalls sat on the table with their outsides shining with a pristine sparkle. Max looked at them with beady eyes, wondering with deep thought which one contained Mudkip and his future partner, someone he could be proud of! The excitement suddenly phased over him, as he realised that instead of the normal three starter balls that lay there, there were instead six with three mysterious Pokémon awaiting his presence.

    “Why are there six PokeBalls Professor?”

    “Ah, a simple reason really. As well as the Hoenn Pokémon you also have the choice of three special Pokémon that I brought along with me from Kanto who have been excited to meet you all day long. I decided to do this because you gave me help when you were visiting my lab in Kanto, looking after the new starters for another Trainer. So I thought I owed it to you.” Professor Oak said while walking over to the PokeBalls and opening them up one by one with the Pokémon appearing in the most majestic sparkling light that was rarely seen.

    First appeared the quiet and shy orange bird Pokémon Torchic that was ruffling its small feathers to give it a more natural look, 'Torr' it cried, becoming excited and charging around the room knocking into Max’s legs before waddling round the room trying to hold back tears of pain. Secondly the elegant grass Pokémon Treeko was sent out, perching up on its wonderful spotless tail and giving Max a very childish wink, acting rather cheeky for its own good. Next appeared the sweet water-Pokémon Mudkip, who seemed more perfect than first conceived by Max. It sprayed him with a weak jet of water and Max gave a little chuckle before wiping his face dry.

    “Wow Professor!” Max couldn’t believe it, in a few more minutes he’d be walking out of the lab with his brand new friend Mudkip, only after viewing the mysterious Pokémon that were rare to this region.

    “Now Max, here come the Kanto Pokémon, a commodity to have in a region such as Hoenn,” Professor Oak stated as he opened three more PokeBalls. Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Charmander appeared at once, as if they were a synchronized team performing in a Pokémon Contest, each having been pruned and cleaned showing of their most glorious attributes.

    “They’re all so cute... but I’ve already decided what Pokémon it will be, I choose you…” He concentrated his attention solely on Mudkip who was paying the upmost care toward him, already showing a high bond between the two. Max was about to continue with his sentence when a little knock originated from the windowsill in the far corner of the laboratory which only Mudkip could hear. All his attention was lost and had now wandered over there to investigate leaving Max slightly hurt.

    “Mudkip, wait,” the young trainer cried, waltzing after the little water type who had managed to securely leap onto the white coated wood. He was so caught up in this moment that he completely missed noticing the small Charmander who had playfully chased after him. Not seeing the fire type, Max unknowingly trod upon the fiery tail causing a hot yelp to spur out of the orange lizard’s mouth. Max took the full brutal force…

    “Ah, that’s really hot,” he shouted reeling back over to the table, “Sorry about that little buddy, are you okay,” the little voice of Charmander squealed an excited response at the prospect of being noticed. There was a silence, Max stared into the eyes of the little Charmander understanding that this Pokémon seemed eager and raring to travel with someone just like Max, and would probably prove to be a great Pokémon addition to his team.

    “Max, looks like fate has collided with you,” Professor Birch noted, bending down to pick up the little dancing ball of fire that seemed completely unmoved by the slight pain sent coursing through its body.

    “Do you want to travel with me?” Max softly inquired, giving a little stroke of the burning red tail. Charmander nodded in excitement and utter glee from the realisation of gaining this success, “Okay, then. Looks like Charmander has chosen me. My starter Pokémon shall be Charmander then!”

    The two of them looked at one another, gazing into each other’s eyes. A solemn look broke the moment by papering itself across Max’s face, before he turned to look at Mudkip who had returned from its little excavation and was happily enjoying playing with the other Pokémon after wandering back into the centre. Charmander, however, had taken full interest in him, so maybe it was meant to be... A small chuckle began to break the barrier of his lips; Max knew that this would be the start of a great friendship and that Charmander would be his loyal friend, even if that hadn’t been his original plan.

    This is the start of Max's Hoenn Journey!
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2013
  2. Shinxy

    Shinxy isnotamorningperson.

    Okay, I'm going to be nice in this review because it's honestly a pretty good first story and I don't find too much wrong with it. *hugs* I like you already, new kid. *smile*

    A Ratiosu Review coming right up!

    You probably don't want to announce that...one post per chapter, mostly. And it's 'be assured' not 'be sure'.

    --Grammar Nazi

    What you probably want to do here is explain why it was a beautiful morning. A warm and sunny morning would have told us why it was beautiful, but if you just put beautiful there, it could be anything. I think rain is beautiful. It doesn't mean it was raining. Everyone's opinion is different.

    A better sentence would be something like, "It was a warm and sunny, but not humid, morning, and as Max looked outside he was amazed at how beautiful the day was." This tells the reader what Max's opinion of beautiful is, and also what kind of weather it was. Double bonus, yeah!


    It should be 'and Max awoke to the calls of his neighbour's (neighbours' if it's more than one) Chatot repeating the news.' I'm just putting in the italics to show what parts of the sentence are wrong. Also, what news? That it's a pretty morning? Explain please.

    Here is where a lot of people make mistakes. You use game language instead of what a sigh would actually sound like. In the video games, 'awgh' would typically be a sigh, but real people, even in fanfics, don't sound that way. It would be weird to put the sound of a sigh in the game, so they just use words. A better word would be 'hhhhhhhn' or something like that, or even nothing at all. Just 'Max sighed'.

    'Awgh, Max sighed sitting up and starring out the window into the forrest of buildings known as Petalburg City.'

    1. Awgh, should be "[insert groan noise],"
    2. Max sighed should be "[insert groan noise]," Max sighed,
    3. 'starring' should be 'staring'
    4. 'forrest' should be 'forest'

    I like how you used the analogy between a forest and the buildings in P City, though. I can imagine what it looks like now. Good job ^^

    1. 'Honey, are you ready yet' should be 'Honey, are you ready yet?' because it's a question, and the way you wrote it is a run-on sentence. Though most people do speak like this, we try to keep fanfic characters grammatically correct.
    2. 'your' should be 'you're' (you are)
    3. 'Mum' should be 'mum'

    1. Here you could put either 'Just then, the door burst open, and Max...' but I tend to overuse commas so it might be the way you put it.
    2. 'double slap' should be 'Double-Slap' as Pokemon attacks are capitalized and this particular one has two parts to it. Good use of introducing the Pokemon, though. I wouldn't have thought of that. 'A Skitty Double-Slap'...hmm... =P

    1. ''Nagh.' Skitty sighed.' should be 'Nagh,' Skitty sighed.' Remember that whenever you have the person/Pokemon/animal/inanimate object saying the sentence with a tone (he said, she yelled, it screamed) the sentence always ends with a comma before the quotation marks. I'm guilty of overusing it that way myself ^^; In this case, 'nagh' would be a good thing for Skitty to say since it really does say that, unlike Max's earlier sigh.
    2. If I'm not mistaken, 'Co-ordinator' is spelled 'Coordinator', but it might be because I don't spell formal stuff -.-;
    3. 'Jhoto' can be spelled either that way or 'Johto'. Most people prefer the latter, however it doesn't really matter either way.
    4. At this point, after 'Jhoto', the sentence becomes run-on. Break it up into something like '...Johto. However, she had decided to leave...'
    5. 'gym' should be capitalized. In Pokemon, Gyms are a proper noun.

    1. 'Not now Skitty I'm in a hurry,' should be 'Not now, Skitty, I'm in a hurry!'
    2. If you end this with an exclamation point, don't worry; just capitalize the 'w' in with because it starts a new sentence. You can't keep it lowercase because it's not something Max used as a tone of voice. If you make the comma into a period (because he might not be yelling) then keep it as a period and just capitalize 'with'.
    3. An ice-cold beam? Ice Beam? Can Skitty learn that? Plese elaborate on what attack it was...I got confused ^^;

    1. 'Ha,ha,ha, thanks Skitty' should be 'Ha, ha, ha, thanks, Skitty,' unless you want to put 'Max laughed. 'Thanks, Skitty,'' before it. Then you can eliminate the hahaha. Remember to space after commas.
    2. If Max was mumbling how can Skitty hear him? If he wasn't meant to, then you can leave it alone.
    3. 'that' starts a new thought/sentence. Capitalize please. Then you would take out the comma after 'mumbled'.

    1. You might want to put just 'the edge'. 'The stairs' sounds too repititive.

    1. Since he is asking and this is not very...uh...grammar-ly, it should be 'So...ready, Son?' Son is usually capitalized when dads are talking. I have no idea why o_O

    1. 'Of course Dad' should be 'Of course, Dad,'
    2. You forgot the punctuation mark at the end.

    1. It should be 'Have you decided what you're going to pick? I mean, that is a tough choice.' Also add who is talking because of the next sentence.

    1. I thought he was talking to his Dad. 0o
    2. It should be 'Mum, it was obvious: it's going to be Mudkip. It has so much potential that I want to help unlock.' Punctuation at the end of the sentence. But it was a good sentence overall.

    1. You seem to like using 'after that comment' and 'with that comment'. Try not to - it makes you seem un-creative (???) and I'm sure you can come up with better than that. You can even say 'Max leapt...' and leave out the comment thing entirely.
    2. Did Max really leap into the car? Remember, leaping is like jumping into the car and doing a flying tackle sort of thing. 'Jumped' might be better. To put more emotion you might want 'jumped excitedly'.
    3. Should be 'leapt into the car. His dad followed whilst being shunted by Carolyn.'
    4. What does shunted mean? Maybe a simpler word. Remember, we are not all scientists and Harvard graduates, though we may like to imagine it. ^^
    5. Who's Carolyn? If it's his mom, you need to say so, or introduce the name (ex: His mum, Carolyn was her first name (but Max never called her that),...)

    1. Should be 'Good luck, Max. Remember, I always love you...'
    2. You can wave and wave forever but no words will come out. So you need a period after 'you' because 'waved' is not showing her tone of voice.

    1. Should be 'Max sat in the car. He stared out the window at a flock of Murkrow flying over the Gym, eyeing all the possible food.'
    --Remember you have to describe Murkrow. Maybe 'a flock of black, medium-sized birds called Murkrow' because some people don't know what Murkrow are. I know, it's sad. =P
    --You don't want to put 'targets of food' in. Maybe 'targets' or 'food'. The former sounds like they dive on people for fun, so maybe the latter.

    1. Should be '...and they were off.' Or 'off and away'. Doesn't matter which.

    1. Good use of lay. *applauds* No one ever uses 'lay' right.
    2. Should be, for every 'will', 'would'. You switched tenses though it may not seem like it. You should be in perfect past (I think it's called that ^^;).

    1. Should be 'The moments were getting tenser and tenser. Thoughts began to roll across Max's mind. Will Mudkip like me? Will he obey me? Will it even be a he?' (You don't have to use italics for thoughts. I just do.
    2. Good last sentence ^^

    1. It should be either 'Max, you're just worrying.' or 'You're just worrying, Son.'

    1. Should be 'Huh? What do you mean, Dad? How?'

    1. He can't look at Max's face if he's driving! HE'LL CRASH, LIK OH EM GEE! *screams at imminent doom* Unless he's in the front seat, which you might want to tell people.
    2. 'your' should be 'you're'
    3. 'will the Pokemon like me.' should be 'and you're wondering if the Pokemon will like you.'

    1. 'at this point' is making it sound like he is in the future. Nothing at all is better. End the sentence with 'what I would have'. Get rid of the semicolon and end in a period.
    2. 'I still worried about the same thing.' should be 'I worried about the same thing.'

    1. A Slakoth to retrieve the starters? Though it's unlikely, it's possible, however.
    2. The last sentence should be 'Oh, looks like we're here, Son. You ready?'

    1. Should be 'Max nodded and swung the car door open. He climbed out to be greeted by Professor Birch and Professor Oak.' The car door didn't swing open by itself, and it's not surprising to find two professors at a lab (except for Oak, but since Birch is there too you can't put 'only'.)

    1. Should be 'Huh? Professor Oak? What are you doing here? I heard you were at a Professor Conference.'
    2. This both makes a lot of sense and no sense. The former because Max is like addicted to Prof. Oak's life, so that added a touch of humor even if you didn't mean to, and the latter because...*breathes deep from talking so long*...if there was a Professor Conference why wasn't Birch there? If it was only for Oak because of some reason (i.e. Kanto professors, etc.) then you need to explain.

    1. Oak didn't say it, really, so 'that is where I was going to be' is better.
    2. Should be 'Yes, that is where I was going to be, but I can have breaks from journalists once in a while...can't I?' He's not really talking to Max, so 'I' is better in this case.
    3. It's kind of a big thing to miss a conference, so you might want to have a better reason.

    1. Who's saying this?
    2. Should be 'Well, Max, come inside so you...'

    1. 'Both' would be better because there is only two people following.
    2. 'poke balls' should be 'PokeBalls'
    3. Write out the number 6 please. (i.e. six)

    1. Should be 'Why are there six PokeBalls, Professor? There are only three starter Pokemon in this region.'

    1. Should be 'Yes, Max, that's true. But you also have the choice of the Kanto starters as well as the Hoenn, due to all the help you gave me back at my Pokemon Lab in Kanto. So I kind of owed it to you," Professor Oak said while walking over to the PokeBalls and opening...'
    2. Explain what help he gave Prof. Oak.
    3. Don't use 'whilst', it's more of an old English word.
    4. 'mentioned' is never a good word to use as tone of voice. Use 'said' or anything else.

    1. Shortly describe the Pokemon (not in block paragraph), like 'The Fire Bird Pokemon stretched its small yellow wings and pecked at the air with its beak.'
    2. ', Torr it cried' should be '...shy Torchic. 'Torr!' it cried.'
    3. I really like the adjectives you used for the Pokemon as they came out, they were good ^^
    4. 'quite' should be 'quiet'
    5. They don't have to be a diving team. They can just be a synchronized team. =P

    1. Don't put the 'aaaah' in there; put Max doing, ah, whatever he's doing there before the quotations. (i.e. Max squealed. "They're...) I doubt Max would squeal, but it was an example.
    2. Should be 'They're all so cute...but I've already decided what Pokemon it will be. I choose you, Mud..."

    1. Should be 'Hi, little buddy. You okay?' (Never use 'ok' in a story. Write it out.) The little voice of Charmander squealed in agreement. 'Do you want to travel with me?' Charmander nodded. 'Okay, then. My starter Pokemon will be Charmander!' (Typically, trainers tend to overdo it on the enthusiasm, so Max should too ^^)

    1. Get rid of 'both'.
    2. 'start of a great friendship' is an overused cliche...if you can think of something more original it would be great. However, it's a little tough to avoid using these kind of cliches.
    3. You switched tenses again ^^; 'Charmander will be his loyal friend' should be 'Charmander would be his loyal friend'. Look at 'knew' in the same sentence. Use the tense that it follows. Hence, 'would', not 'will'. If it was 'will', 'knew' would have to be 'will know'. And you'd have to change the whole story around.

    1. This should be seperate from the story. It's kind of obvious, so maybe you should delete it all together, but you can set it as an author's note. Doesn't matter.
    2. Should be 'This is the start of Max's Hoenn journey!'

    *breathes in and out* That was long. Overall, I give it 3.5 stars out of 5, and hope to see more. The Charmander was an unexpected twist and I would like to see how Max is with Charmander.

    NOTE TO EVERYONE: When you're cooking dinner, never touch raw pork roast with your bare hands to put it on the toaster pan thing. It's GROSS. It feels like someone's intestines. (Although I have never felt someone's intestines...so I wouldn't know ^^;)

    Another Ratiosu Review completed!

    *looks for Ratiosu smiley*

    Damn, it's not on th side and for some reason the 'More' button never works.

    Uh...what number is Latios again?

    I'll guess.

    ;381; ;381; ;381; ;381; ;381;

    Hope it works ^^

    *remembers from old days when she was Ratiosu on here*

  3. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Thanks Shinxy thats a really nice review and I mean it

    Sorry about all the grammatical mistakes, thats how I let m6yslef down in exams, but I'm hoping this is going to be good as the storyline is quite intreaging
  4. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Short and rushed sums it up.

    Now to get nity gritty; Max is so special he doesn't just get to choose from the three standard starters, but the three Kanto pokemon as-well? And then when he's about to choose Mudkip, Charmander hurls itself into his arms and he chooses that instead?

    Sorry but if a character truly has his or her heart set on a item/creature, why be swayed so suddenly by a pokemon hurling itself at you and giving you the puppy dog eyes?

    And I bet there's nothing sinister or sly behind the Charmander's actions? Already shooting down a good plot twist, with poor and flat characters.

    This came off as scripty, with how you failed to describe not just the setting, the pokemon, what they did/how they acted, but the people when they talked, not even slightly.

    So all in all this has very little sparkle and shine, or originality. Or anything to make it stand out; I suggest BEFORE you start on the next chapter, or even finish/post it if you have started, go and read ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS because it's not just grammar issues you have.

    It's everything else to boot, too.

    And then when you've learned and grown a bit more; come back And rewrite this or write something better than this and post it.
  5. Shinxy

    Shinxy isnotamorningperson.

    I agree the plot was a bit...uh...odd. And I hate characters that have the 'special' option of whatever. But I'd have to see more of this to tell.

    *has a weakness for Charmander and hates Mudkip with all her heart*

    Thanks HH. I try not to be mean...
  6. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    How do you know that. Since I never explained what Charmander was doing, and I may have a plot line on that. And Ok I must admit it is short, but I made Chapter 1 short for a purpose, because I wanted to see what people thought of it and what I could improve on in the next chapter. There are answers to the statements you put. And again I must agree that it is quite scripty, but in the next chapters to come, that will become less and less, since I will be describing Pokemon and scenery. And I did go back and edit the story to add in Pokemon description and the reason I didn't descripe Murkrow and Skitty is for another reason that will be revealed as soon as new chapters come out. Thatnk you for your comment though. I will go away and edit the next chapter, which is already written and describe things better and the thing with Charmander. Like I said, It'll be explained.
  7. gypsi wagon

    gypsi wagon New Member

    hello harry heart i have read max's hoenn journey and well i'd lie to say well done! it's a first story from you and i think that is the best so far.

    i look forward to seeing chapter 2
    i would give it rating of 3.5 out of 5 well done!

    Gypsi Wagon
  8. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Max's Hoenn Journey Chapter 2

    Well everybody here is chapter 2 of Max's Hoenn Journey

    I hope this has improved on some aspects, and thank you to the 3 people that did review. All comments are welcome as I said before.

    Chapter 2: Tough Call Charmander

    The path seemed endless as its trail drifted off onto the horizon, an unseen end to a tiresome road. By now Max had started to stoop lower and lower from the exhausting strain of walking for hours on end. His body had become more accustomed to the sofa in recent years since the end of his travelling days with his sister. He thought back to those days with Ash, May and Brock, the great journey’s they experienced meeting Jirachi, Kyogre and Groudon. Oh how he longed to be travelling with them again, some companions through Hoenn, but no; Ash was now off with Brock finishing his Gym battles in Sinnoh and May was still in Jhoto tying up a few loose ends. He had to do this on his own! He had to prevail, to become the world’s greatest trainer, on his own.

    Max reached down to his black belt that kept his flashy red shorts around his waist. His friends PokeBall dangled from it, alone as of the moment. He unclipped it and pressed the white button in the centre, making the entire red and white ball bigger in his palm, an astonishing experience still after all these years. Max halted and threw it in front of him, calling upon his new partner, “Charmander, come on out!” A white flash of light appeared from within the ball fading to reveal an orangey-red lizard that had a fire burning brightly at the end of its tail. ‘Char,’ it called before jumping nimbly onto Max’s shoulder, nuzzling into his neck. Max gave a light laugh, acknowledging their friendship; he could feel they were going to grow close. He reached into his Shorts pocket and brought out his Pokédex, the red small computer device clicked on and began to give a description of Charmander.

    “This Pokémon is the pre-evolution of the Fire Dragon Pokémon, Charizard. This is a starter Pokémon for all beginning trainers from Kanto. One major point of interest, if the fire on Charmander’s tail should happen to diminish then the Pokémon will fall very ill and need to have medical treatment right away,” the young trainer listened intensively to what the mechanic device had to offer, intrigued by its last comment. Although he was a wiz on Pokémon compared to many people he knew, that piece of information had managed to elude him for so long. He returned his focus upon the gravely path, noticing the equivalent of a lay-by flourishing with a lush coloured grass, just right to make up their first camp. Max felt a last stretch of life reverberate his legs, giving them enough energy to reach the site up ahead.

    Max placed his belongings on the ground, feeling the damp moisture against the back of his hand. The sensation tickled his nostalgic thoughts, as a child he had always loved camping, not only to get close to Pokémon but because of the fresh smell you woke up to, every morning. He snapped back into reality, unclipping the blue sleeping bag from the compartment at the top and setting it out ready for the night. His attention flickered over to his Pokémon who was gazing into tree where a few Bug type Pokémon were making habitats for themselves.

    “Charmander, get over here buddy, let’s take a quick break, then you can go and play again,” Max kindly said slumping against a fallen log that just happened to be right where they were. He gazed into the affectionate evening sky, noticing the faint stars winking one by one down on the still Earth, now was the perfect time to help themselves to supper. Inside his bag contained the dinner that Max had prepared for himself the night before, while still awaiting the arrival of his 10th birthday, a feat for any budding Pokémon trainer, or Co-ordinator.

    Max took a small bite out of the cheese sandwich, wary of its taste, and he was right to do so, it didn’t quite compare to Brock’s stews and soups while Charmander dug into a little bit of his meal given to them by Birch. It seemed like the perfect picture, two friends eating side by side, there was nothing that could ruin it. The bowl full of Charmander’s food was rapidly left clean, Charmander was eager to get off and play, Charmander was eager to get off and play, amongst the marshy patch by the river.

    “Be careful little buddy! Don’t get your tail wet; you heard what the Pokédex said!” Max mentioned, with a subtle tone of concern in his young voice, not wanting to rush Charmander off to a Pokémon centre after a few hours. He finished off his cheese sandwich, placing the box back in his bag and turning around to where Charmander had been heading. He had disappeared from view.

    “Charmander, stay where I can see you please,” Max called, hoping his little friend would appear in a matter of seconds, but he didn’t there was just silence, with only the faint wind whistling through the forest. “Charmander, where are you?” Max called again, jumping onto his feet, feeling a little cautious about the situation. He ran over to the riverbank only to find there was no sign of Charmander. Where had the little Pokémon gone?

    Max heard a rustle coming from the bushes behind the resting point, immediately heading back.

    “Charmander, is that you? If this is a game it’s not that funny.”

    Once more there was no reply, sparking a rapid fear to spread, and with the recent description he had heard from his Pokédex he began to justify all sorts of crazy ideas that were springing into his young mind. Had Charmander become badly injured that it couldn’t respond?

    Suddenly, a ferocious roar echoed throughout the woods with a piercing sound that began to provoke a real sense of panic inside of Max. Where was his little friend? The sky was slowly shifting its colour into a dark grey as the clouds rolled into the setting. His nerves were getting to him, the growl had worries him more than he first realised, and with his new friend disappearing his cause for concern was placed correctly. He scanned the area of the bushes; however there was no glimpse of Charmander. What if this creature had him? What would he do? The roar sounded again, this time seeming closer than the first. Max had no clue what to do, May would, Ash would, but he wasn’t anything like them. It seemed hopeless.

    ‘GRRRR,’ the noise was unbearable, and Max could see why. A gigantic Pokémon loomed over him, with his shadow penetrating everything surrounding it, thrusting them into deep darkness. His legs were shaking; he had never encountered this Pokémon before and knew nothing of it, it wasn’t the time but he had to find out what it did. The new trainer reached for his Pokédex; it clicked on when he flipped open the lid with the blue screen flashing a scaled down image of the Rock Pokémon before delving into its detailed description.

    “Ryperior, the final evolution of Rhyhorn, this Pokémon is one of the strongest Rock Pokémon capable of being encountered and should be viewed cautiously and at safe distances if in the wild. Be careful of its Megahorn and Rock Wrecker attacks as they can dish out immense damage.” Max stood there, staring at the colossal sized Ryperior who seemed to take no care of him. His legs started to shake more vigorously, enough so that he could move. With each step he gained his speed; soon enough he was running, running as fast as his legs could go, but was it quick enough to escape? A white gleaming beam began to form in Ryperior’s mouth being formed into a Hidden Power. There was no chance for Max to flee! With the beam unleashed, Max was sent flying into the water. He sunk towards the bottom, kicking about as he fell to try and resist the weight upon him. The light began to fade; his eyelids became heavy. Max hit the bottom with a soft thud.


    Further along the road which Max and Charmander had stopped off on, the petite fire type was scrounging through the bushes, looking for other friends to play with after he had caught a glimpse of a smallish green blob sliding into the thick foliage, leaving a green slime residue behind it. His intriguing knowledge had overcome him, and now he just had to continue searching for new friends, but the roar that caught him off guard changed his priorities. His emotions were rapidly changing, making him evermore scared; he had to find his trainer and get to safety. His little legs moved as fast as they would go as he charged back along his tracks, worried about the situation. He came to an abrupt holt, as he crashed into a tense rock leg blocking his path. Casting his eye upwards, he saw an angry, distraught Pokémon firing white beams into what seemed like nowhere.

    ‘Charrrrrrrrrr!’ the voice of the little Pokémon rang out like a distraught bell, altering all it could to danger, the Pokémon didn’t want to hesitate and quickly dived into the surrounding bushes where he could stay safe yet see everything that occurred.

    A young female came running around the corner, noticing the intimidating Pokémon engaging in a battle with an unknown opponent. She stood there, watching as Ryperior was hit with two more attacks, but she wasn’t able to get close enough to see where they were coming from without endangering herself. Suddenly an eerie spiral of light encased the bushes and three silhouettes were tugged into its vast pit, before disappearing from sight, the rock Pokémon stumbled backwards caught off guard but was relieved the attacks had suddenly died down, but his anger was overflowing. This person knew she had no time to worry and had to sort out the Pokémon standing in front of her.

    Ryperior, stop this at once,” she called, attracting Charmander’s attention. The voice had originated from a female blocking Ryperior’s path, outstretching her arms to indicate to the Pokémon that it had to stop. Her physique was comprised of long dark brown hair with a darker shade of colouring in her skin tone. The hair was tied up in a few pink hair bands, and followed by a blue blouse and pink tights that was noticeable from the colour of her body. Charmander didn’t recognize this woman, but was pleased she had come to the rescue.

    “I can’t let you go on a rampage like this; I challenge you to a battle.” She cried as Ryperior eagerly reacted with a smile creping, his strong rock face that seemed to crinkle in disgust. It clasped its huge outstretched fists together which seemed to be disfigured at the joint on which it attached to its colossus chest. The fins just seemed to add an extra sense of power, another implement that could unleash damage.

    “Well, let’s go Nosepass.”

    A tall orange beaked rock Pokémon came soaring out into the night air with another white light encasing it before evaporating into the atmosphere. Its body was coloured blue apart from its orange nose. It also seemed to be hard as a rock, although its colourings suggested otherwise, the battle was going to be tough.

    “You ready to fight?”

    Nosepass gave a grunted approval, unlike how Charmander communicated.
    “Well then use Rock Tomb to start off with and we’ll see where that gets us,” she called while her Pokémon immediately reacted to what she was asking. Its beak started to flash from orange to russet as its concentration built up inside. Then shards of rock flew out of the ground straight for Ryperior, enclosing it in a pile of soaking earth. Ryperior gave a roar and the rocks started to rumble before exploding and sending shards of rocks raining down like a meteor shower.

    “Nosepass dodge the oncoming rocks, and then use Earth Power,” the woman cried yet again, herself eager in the battle. The Earth began to shake; small explosions from within the ground began to unnerve the restless Ryperior with shoots of liquid mantle rock shooting into the air slightly. Ryperior wasn’t going to take it, and responded by stomping his feet, creating small earthquakes. The lady was now worried, her Pokémon needed more encouragement.

    “Nosepass quickly put more power in it, I believe in you.”
    The nearby trees started to shake and collapse. Ryperior was knocked to the ground, weakened by the force of Earth Power. The woman unclipped a PokeBall from her belt.

    “Well I’d better capture this one Nosepass; it’s too dangerous on its own. PokeBall go!” The red and white ball raced towards the wounded Ryperior, missing bits of debris on its way. Finally it hit Ryperior; a red light enveloped itself around the hard rock Pokémon. In a flash it was inside the ball. The white circle at the seal flashed red, the ball shock, after a few seconds it stopped. Ryperior was caught.

    “Well, Nosepass, we better get back on the road and do what Norman and Birch asked us to do. We have everything we need and there’s nothing else out here for us.”

    Now Charmander saw its opportunity to ask for help, Max had vanished and had no idea what to do. ‘Chaaarrrrrrrr,’ cried Charmander leaping out of the shelter of the bushes and into the path of the Nosepass and her trainer. They were taken aback, bewildered by the surprise, and Nosepass didn’t hesitate to protect themselves and began to create a yellowy blue ball at the tip of its nose.

    “No Nosepass! I don’t think it wants to hurt us. Who are you little guy? Are you lost?”

    ‘Chaaar, Charmander Char.’ Charmander was trying the best it could to try and make her understand that his trainer had gone, the last he saw of him was a hand slipping into the depths of the river. He pointed at the shoreline, trying to indicate his feelings.

    “What are you trying to tell me? Someone fell in?” Charmander nodded in agreement. He turned towards the river and ran over to the bank, watching for any sign of movement.

    “Looks like I’m going to have to go in.” She dived into the cold blue water, a chill passed through her body. I have to keep going, I need to get further. She mustered up all the courage in her soaked body and began to push her way towards the riverbed. There was a faint light, gradually getting brighter and brighter which she swam towards, a few Lanturn had gathered round a young boy flaccid as he lay upside-down against the bottom. They were tugging at him, trying so hard to move him, but they couldn’t. The woman reached out and grabbed a hold of a piece of clothing with the Lanturn following suite, they had to give it all they could and save Max.

    Only moment later he was lying on the sand, as the woman lent over him immediately recognising him, “Oh no! It can’t be, Max, Max.” There was no time to waste, she had to bring life back into him the best she could, before something like pneumonia began to home in. “Come on Max, wake up come on!”

    Max gasped, sitting up and spiting water everywhere, like a machine gone wrong. “What …… happened?” Max said panting and gasping for air at every opportunity. He looked around him and noticed Nosepass and a woman sitting next to him. “Roxanne! What … are you doing … here?”

    “It’s a long story, and there’s no need to waste your time right now Max while you should be resting.”

    “I’ll be fine, trust me,” Max spluttered attempting to stand up but falling to his knees. His eyes strolled to where Charmander stood, blinking so innocently at him.

    “Thanks buddy. You helped save me.” There was a silent moment; Charmander looked up towards his new trainer. He sprang into his arms and gave Max the warmest hug he had ever felt, “And Roxanne, I owe you my gratitude as well, without your help I could easily be dead right now, so as my gift would you like to camp out with us tonight? You can tell me everything that happened then, that way you won’t be wasting my time.”

    “Thanks, and seeing as we’re both heading in the same direction I presume, I would love to stay with you, and I’m sure the story would intrigue you.”


    A few hours had passed, and now Max was unbearably tired, supper had been consumed and there was no real reason to stay up, all he wanted was a cosy fire he could fall asleep next to.

    “Roxanne, do you have a match?” Max asked.

    “A match, honestly sonny boy, you have a fire Pokémon, ask it to perform a fire move.” Roxanne shook her head in amusement.

    “Okay. Charmander use a weak ember,” Max calmly said, watching his little friend eagerly chipper at the thought of benefiting the two. ‘ Char,’ a shot of fire burst out of Charmander’s mouth and hit the pile of twigs. The cold night air began a transformation into a warm sanctuary. “Thank you Charmander, you’re a great help, and Roxanne going back to your story, one thing I don’t understand is what you were doing in these woods. Rustboro is a few days away.”

    “Good question. It was all to do with Professor Birch. He asked me to come and collect something known as the ‘Protector.’ Supposedly it helps a Pokémon known as Rhydon to evolve. This was what I collected. Here, have a look.” Max took a hold of the object and examined it carefully. He noticed the arch and the rusty redness of the colour.

    “Wow! It’s…magnificent.” He proclaimed sounding very stunned.

    “It is, definitely. But I have to make sure it reaches its destination, Oldale Town.”

    “Why Roxanne, the only reasons someone would want it is if they had a Rhydon or wanted to evolve one?” Max seemed puzzled; why couldn’t someone just go out and buy their own one, but it was to presumptuous to think anything sinister was undergoing.

    “Max if I had the answers, I would tell you,” Roxanne's face started to show worry and concern, what was she hiding?

    The discussion continued for a long period of time, even though both parties just wanted to rest their heads and nap off, however it didn’t seem like the sand man would make a stop tonight!
    Last edited: May 30, 2009
  9. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member


    Charmander, Charmeleon and Charizard are not birds.

    And looking back at your first chapter; I can barely see the editing, if anything was edited. It was still rushed. Still tacky. Still flat. No you don't need to describe the Skitty but you didn't describe Max getting sprayed by water nor his reaction to it- and Max is so OOC I'm laughing, because he is an anime character afaik so.. yeah. I think Mudkip could have shot your Max and he'd just have a goofy grin and choose Charmander over Mudkip cause it used puppy dog eyes and he's just bleeding out and dying.

    And I love how Max is able to avoid drowning, dying from oxygene starvation or any other really serious ill effects. And then suddenly wants to challenge Roxanne to a battle!

    Fine. Continue blissfully on your path down Gary Stu-dom for Max and insanity, unbelievability and general bad writing. I told you what you were doing wrong and what to do to get better; you're making your own ditch. You get yourself out.
  10. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Max didn't challenge Roxanne to a battle, where did u get that from, and he hadn't drowned for that long, it just seems longer because i'm describing things in more detail.
    Really it would have been 1 min to 2 mins max, you can survive that. Since I researched it.

    And the bit about getting Charmander was edited, but thanks for the heads up on describing reactions as yes I'm not very good at that.

    Overall thank you for your second review, it's better than the first which is something to be pleased about. And sorry to say this but is it possible if you can specify what i need to improve on.
  11. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    I misread then- but that still doesn't excuse Max magically not suffering ill effects, wether you can last 1-2 minutes without oxygene, and to be honest when you put so much time and detail into describing, it's not just 'describing the scene' even though it was poorly done and the characters, both pokemon and human were flat, it was longer than a few minutes. Because otherwise you just powerplayed Roxanne, had Nosepass super powerful, and stronger than a gym leader pokemon should be.

    Take Onix vs Tyranitar, Brock's Onix was able to survive a battle against Tyranitar for around 5 minutes, but in the end even when Onix flung Tyranitar away and it landed in the lake, Onix was the one to faint. Not the other way around.

    NOW AS I SAID BEFORE and you obviously could not GRASP it. Your characters are flat. Your chapters are rushed. Your scenes are rushed. Your description is short and tacky. You have no believability.
  12. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for explaining those things again. And I'm sorry it felt rushed. With scenes being rushed though, it is only really once scene each chapter. Excluding Chapter 1 where I do have to agree with you. And if I went into more detail then yes Max would definitely be dead. Next time if I work on this, then hopefully you will find it believable.

    Thank you for your time
  13. DanChimchar

    DanChimchar Friends are Diamonds

    I really like chapter one and two. I shall be coming here more often to read your stuff. I have a fic like yours but Mines on May in Johto.
    Anyways a bit of errors. But its good for a beginer
  14. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Thank you DanChimchar. It's a real boost when someone thinks its really good. I will definitely be continuing the story.

    Chapter 3: Oldale Towns ‘Protector’
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2008
  15. DanChimchar

    DanChimchar Friends are Diamonds

    Nice title it means two things. That they are in Oldale town and The Item protectotr is finally they figure out why they needed it and it also mean like Oldale Town Protector like the person who watches over them. Nice tittle it keeps us guessing what it is or if its all.
  16. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Max's Hoenn Journey Chapter 3

    What i hoped to do. Thanks for the heads up. And I hope your stories goes as planned as it'll be usefull reference to later chapters.

    Also something to mention:
    The new chapter will be up by the weekend, It is pretty long compared to my others and there is more action involved. Again, I dont care what you think of it as there is always room for improvement!

    Here is the new chapter, enjoy:

    Chapter 3: Oldale Towns ‘Protector’

    The morning damp breeze whistled through the forest treetops awakening sleeping Pokémon from their blissful sleep whether big or small, young or old. It was a natural daily routine. Somewhere amongst the forestry of tress, a young and chirpy Charmander began to open its turquoise eyes beginning to arouse to the calls of Dodrio and Doduo which to the small fire type seemed like calm and beautiful voices. These two Pokémon were like the forests bell doing a number of jobs for all the Pokémon of the woods, alerting them to danger such as the night before when a Rhyperior rampaged along by the lake before being subdued by Roxanne. However in this case they were just an alarm clock for the young Pokémon as it stretched its limbs and clambered out onto the dew soaked grass.

    ‘Char,’ the newly awoken Pokémon yawned as it began to inhale all the forestry smells and the morning fresh air. Its legs seemed weary and weak but that wasn’t going to hold it back at all. Instead Charmander decided the best way to stay awake was to practice a few of its moves thus helping it improve in its power and strength as well.

    In the corner of its eye it noticed the crisp burnt out embers from the fire that he had created the night before trying to control its flame, now was another chance to try and control it by sparking the fire once more ready for breakfast to be fried over the flaunting flames. Within a few seconds the remaining logs of wood and kindle were spread over the area just ready for a little match to allow it to fume again, and that’s exactly what Charmander intended. He jumped high into the morning sunlight having his shadow cast across the sleeping human members of his group. It seemed menacing and creepy and although the small Pokémon knew where it came from he couldn’t help but worry. Charmander turned his attention away from the shadow and inhaled a vast amount of air to give the embers a bit of a punch behind them to help them gracefully reach their target.

    The few shots of fire flew out of the orange Pokémon’s mouth creating a cackling noise as they gained upon the logs. Unfortunately though Charmander had released a larger quantity of embers being pushed by an extreme amount of power, trouble was brewing. The impact seemed okay momentarily until the flames leapt onto the grass sizzling from the damn texture it contained until they were left sore and dry easily ignitable by the rest of the fire. Charmander’s panic was placed rightly so as the fire spread like a rabid Rattata hungry for a few berries. Smoke began to cover the vicinity where Max and Roxanne where still sleeping, not yet aware of the danger beginning to coat them. Charmander was scared for its life and that of his fellow friends, suddenly realising how hazardous his moves could be if untamed and not properly instructed. It knew that in order for everyone to be safe he had to wake them up somehow and a Screech was going to work. The piercing sound could not only be heard by the three next to Charmander, but by a few Pokémon further away that had hightailed it the minute the noise sounded. They weren’t going to wait around to find out what on earth was releasing the noise or causing it!

    “Argh,” Max and Roxanne cried as they leapt out of their sleeping bags, clutching onto their ears as if they might suddenly drop off. The noise was unbearable and really took their first initial reactions before their bodies began coughing as the fumes were inhaled inside their organisms causing a sensation of drowning which terrified Max. Yesterday’s experiences still hadn’t passed him and the sensation he had experienced was extremely frightening and wouldn’t easily be ridden from his conscience; and the fumes wafting about his system were just building upon the terror.

    “What the hell is happening,” Max called trying to be heard over the dreadful noise.

    “I believe its Charmander’s Screech attack commonly used when a Pokémon experiences fear,” cried Roxanne, “And it seems this smoke is what’s causing it, now we’d better try and clear it away. Nosepass use your Rock Tomb to put out the fire and Max command Charmander to use another Screech to blow the Smoke away but concentrate the vibrations so they hit one centre point with a pushing force.”

    “Right, okay Charmander, you heard Roxanne let’s get to work. Screech attack.”

    Both Pokémon immediately did as commanded attempting to stop the fire spreading and getting the smoke cleared. Rocks came crashing from the heart of the ground breaking up the earth and then landing down upon the crisps ground in order to restrain the fire, while the fast vibrating airwaves began to clear the area of any hazy smoke making the air cleaner, a fresh breath to Max.

    It didn’t take long until the area was completely void of fire where only small cinders were fuming smoke. Everyone stood relaxed feeling a gentle relief as they managed to thwart another ordeal within two days; Max didn’t remember journeys with Ash compiling of such things.

    “Charmander are you okay?” Max asked in a gentle fashion so as not to hurt his Pokémon’s feelings, noticing a great relief from its eyes as it snuggled up in his warm moisture arms.

    ‘Char, Charmander, Charmander.’ The orange lizard squawked trying to explain his story as best he could, almost beginning to cry from the sheer worry encountered with the experience, but Max couldn’t understand. He felt solemn and withered knowing that his Pokémon was scared yet he had no clue what to do and what he was saying. If only there was some way to understand.

    “Roxanne, do you know what Charmander is talking about?” Max’s face seemed glum, his Pokémon needed him yet he couldn’t help, he didn’t even sense his partner was in danger. If something more drastic had occurred it could have been a hazard to all of them and ended up putting them all at great risk and could have ended the new journey already.

    “I’m afraid if I answered that then I wouldn’t be teaching you a very good lesson, try to listen to Charmander. Open up your heart to your partner, then you may begin to understand.” Max took a hold of Charmander, gently lifting him off his shoulder and placing him firmly on his lab, brushing the dangling salty tears away from the corners of his eyes which felt cold and slimy against his skin, different to human tears.

    “Now Charmander, repeat everything you said as I want to understand and be here for you.” Max shut his eyes and tried to imagine Charmander speaking in his head. He listened intensively, but nothing, “Just a little more,” The Pokémon language was slowly transforming into a rough language he understood, not by words but by the sounds of the voice such as a quivering tone and nature that helped define his emotions and roughly what he was trying to communicate. That was the key. With just a little concentration he understood his Charmander through the tones and textures of the sounds made, it seemed quite a complex idea yet he accomplished the understanding and could finally communicate with a better manner. The little Pokémon finished what he had to say and gazed lovingly into the down heartened hazel eyes of his trainer who was awe struck by amazement an sorrow. The Pokémon didn’t quite understand the mix up of feeling and stood up, noticing Nosepass in the corner of his eye. ‘Char,’ the small rascal called before running over to Nosepass and beginning to play a game of tag whilst glancing over in Max’s direction.

    “Looks like they’re having fun, Max!” stated Roxanne, “Now onto more pressing matters, what was it that Charmander attempted to tell you?”

    Max climbed up onto his feet and looked at Charmander, who seemed very reluctant in his game, with his movements looking rather slow and tired, “He tried to start another fire, but things went way over the top and he caused a small fire which escalated into what we saw. He then screeched to wake us up and keep us from danger.”

    Max looked around the forest glimpsing at the sparkling bushes radiating in the Sun’s rays causing a basking sensation of happiness that Max could spend eternity in. The magical ripples on the waters’ surface, and the treetops swaying from side to side caused even more eager emotions and the rhythm from the movement seemed melodic as if singing them a lullaby. However Max’s thoughts were drenched in agony and irony and he started to ponder over the idea of being a successful Pokémon trainer, ravelling with his Pokémon, caring for them in thick and thin. Would he make it in the world of Pokémon?

    “Umm Roxanne, I’ve been wondering just of now whether I’m cut out to be a Pokémon trainer. It’s something that I’ve always wanted and hoped to achieve, but now the opportunity is here...it just feels different.”

    The tone of his voice implied heavily that Max had lingering doubts in his capabilities and choices, questioning his loyalty, “I should have been able to understand Charmander, to help him out when he needed me. But instead I couldn’t understand him and had to leave him on his own while he faced the blazes of the fire. What does that make me?” Tears broke out of their protective casing, pouring down the cheeks of his face with no murmuring to drown them, just the watery droplets. He pulled a tissue out of his pocket and dabbed the salty drops away.

    “Max. The answer is…you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Try and relax and enjoy your time with your Pokémon.”

    Silence then crept into the forest, infecting everything including the wild Pokémon.

    “Thank you Roxanne. That was a real comfort booster. Now, shouldn’t we start heading off to Oldale Town, because I think it’s time to find out the whole story behind the ‘Protector.” Max seemed to have forgotten the past few minutes and changed his attitude to one of a concerned parent, seeking comfort in the answers that stood before them. He looked around facing Charmander, his beloved friend. Max unhooked Charmander’s PokeBall from the black leather belt holding his shorts in place. “Charmander re…”He wasn’t able to successfully finish his statement. Roxanne cut him off in the nick of time.

    “What are you doing? Why don’t you let Charmander have fun and play for a while? Instead of calling him back at your convenience.” Roxanne suggested while watching Charmander enjoy his time with Nosepass. Had Max really made a mistake? “You can’t always have Charmander in his PokeBall. You have to let him roam!”

    He stared blankly at the ground, as if grovelling for answers beneath true intelligence.

    “Okay! Yes you’re right.” Max cast his eyes upon Roxanne, waiting for a sign of confirmation of his understanding. It didn’t fall onto him. She just gazed at her Nosepass, happily enjoying itself in the company of the bouncy Charmander.

    “Well…Charmander. It’s time to set off!”


    The sun had wriggled higher, smiling down on the tired young Trainer, Max, travelling to Oldale Town with his Gym Leader friend, Roxanne. They were only a few hours away from setting foot in the ruins close to the main town centre. Max had heard stories from his older sister, May, about the ruins, circling the small, quiet town. She had visited these caves; under imprisonment with her newly found friend, Ash. Using a combination of their Pokémon to defeat the devious, Team Magma and escape their clutches. They too had been held up in a plot to find out the mysteries surrounding the ruins but had not been too successful in the forthcomings because he had too become entangled within their evil wrath.

    Max’s thoughts wandered, landing on the memory of his first ever meeting with Professor Oak, a top Pokémon researcher from the region of Kanto. The weather was roughly the same as that of this very day that shrouded the forests in a golden light. Sunny, mildly humid and a few clouds dotted here and there. Professor Oak was visiting his friend Professor Birch, bringing along the three Kanto starters with him for a new trainer, beginning the long journey to becoming a Pokémon Master. The day had turned out to be a typical day, fighting three members from Team Rocket, but Max remembered some advice Professor Oak had given him. ‘Always believe in yourself. You have the will to accomplish what you want!’

    Thinking upon the heart found words; he speculated the future that was beginning to unfold in front of him, as if a Red Carpet had been placed at his gracious feet, how all his journeys that were to follow would start off with the mystery of the ‘Protector,’ this illustrious item that held with it the secrets of a certain evolution whilst also being of some value to a certain someone.

    He searched the ongoing road through the ever-growing trees that seemed to reach the tips of the sky, where noticeable bird Pokémon flocked from either side of the forest as if commuting from work. His vision flicked back down to the ground where he noticed a black blur, positioned close to the path. It seemed as if it was moving, possibly advancing on the two travellers’ positions, but his naïve nature left him oblivious to the possible danger.

    Max speculated the possibilities that lay with this very figure, something intriguing and unknown could lie in its clarity, maybe a new Pokémon that had never been found on anyone’s radars; he could be opening a new secret to the Pokémon world.

    “Arrrrrgggghhh,” someone cried as they flew out of the concealed bushes. Roxanne, notably worried, pushed Max out of harm’s way and was knocked to the ground herself, ripping her pink tights. Nosepass, out of its ball, quickly reacted, forming a yellow and blue ball at the end of its orange beak. The Zap Cannon flung itself at the attacker crackling with the fall intensity of electricity. The attacker screamed, falling and hitting the ground at an incredible force as he was struck with this flooded ball of lightening. He winced as the pain rushed through his body as if caught up in a tremendous flood.

    His face turned red, scowling, attempting to hold in his anger. “What did you do that for?” The man yelled at the top of his voice, echoing it around the once quiet forest.

    “Nose, Nosepass,” The answer was simply that of protection.

    “Me? Attacking you? You must be joking!” The attacker sounded annoyed at the accusation, “I was protecting myself and my town! How dare you accuse me!” The rage was boiling inside of the mysterious man; he couldn’t keep it withheld in the boundaries of his skin. It burst out in a blinding temper, “You are the ones coming to wreak havoc upon our civilised town! So don’t question my loyalties. I challenge you to a battle.”

    Max was rather bemused at the man’s accusations, and the plain fact that he decided to solve it through a Pokémon battle. He was standing at the sidelines watching idly onto the mini soap opera performing directly in front of him. The idea of a battle though intrigued Max, even if it was a rather odd choice of solving this problem, but with that in mind it was a good chance to finally test his skills with Charmander.

    “Sir, I’ll accept your challenge.”

    “You, kid I wasn’t challenging you, I was challenging the lady. Anyway, you wouldn’t stand a chance against me!” he rather cockily responded.

    “I’ll have you know that the ‘lady’ happens to be Roxanne the gym leader. And I happen to be the son of Norman. So I have a few tricks up my sleeves, Mr!”

    With a smug smile, Max turned to Charmander, “You ready to have our first battle Charmander.” Smiling back at his trainer, Charmander nodded showing utter delight and respect for his new best friend.

    “Okay Kid. I’ll battle you instead. And Miss Roxanne, pardon my stupidity!”

    Max and Charmander gazed into the mysterious man’s eyes. They were all set and ready, but the thought of who they would face haunted them the most. It would make sense if he chose a water type or even a rock type since it would be super powerful against Charmander, but he had already proved himself to be a loony so there was no hope in guessing.

    “Well here is my choice!” The man unhooked a PokeBall from his brown leather belt, “Right, come on out!” A small green Pokémon appeared in the flash of light. Different parts of its body were different shades of green. It smiled kindly at Charmander and Max, gazing toward its opponent as it gave a little shake of its coiled plant like qualities on the tip of its head, “You ready.”

    ‘Budew, Bud!’ The cute grass Pokémon replied, jumping into the air in a bound of joy. It kicked its little legs to show appreciation for its trainer.

    “Hey! Roxanne do you think you can judge this match?”

    “Sure thing Max, both trainers ready?” she asked, receiving a nod from both corners indicating their readiness, “Begin!”

    “Kid you can have the first move.”

    “You’ll regret this!” Max couldn’t wait; he was psyched and eager to call his first move, “Okay! Charmander use Ember.”

    Multiple shots of fire flew from Charmander’s little mouth, showing the power behind this small fire Pokémon.

    “Budew, jump out the way!” screamed the other trainer. It was too late. Budew was directly hit and sent soaring against the large Oak tree, nearby to the battlefield, “Are you okay, Budew?”

    Budew clambered back onto its small tiny feet, shaking the dust from its pristine body.

    “Right, Budew lets use Water Sport.” Budew began to shake its body in a vigorous fashion, spraying water everywhere in sight.

    “Huh? What does that do?” Max asked, puzzled by the strange move performed by Budew.

    “Young Kid, if you don’t know that, then you have a long way to go until you understand the world of Pokémon.” The strange man began to urge a smile onto his face, broadening into a full-blown laugh. “Ha! You make me crack kid.” Swiftly the man became serious, “Budew, let’s show them your Bullet Seed.” Fast seeds came bellowing out of Budew’s petite mouth.

    “Charmander, use another Ember to counter!” Again, shots of fire raced towards the opponent, only this time hitting the Seeds speeding towards Charmander, “Yeah! That’s got rid of them.” Unfortunately, to Max’s astonishment, the Bullets kept on coming. The Ember wasn’t destroying the seeds as Max had originally predicted but instead seemed to be weakening in power the longer the battle progressed. “What? Why?” Max was gob smacked, had Charmander become considerably weaker from just one attack.

    “It’s because of the move Water Sport. When a Pokémon uses that move all fire moves become exceedingly weaker, giving Budew an upper hand.” Roxanne explained, looking into a disheartened boys face.

    “Well, there’s no point in moping around. Let’s use Scratch attack Charmander.” The small orange lizard charged towards Budew. Charmander’s claws began to glow a dazzling white. Two swipes were all it took to knock Budew into her trainer. Roxanne looked at the cute little grass Pokémon, struggling to get back into the fight.

    “Budew is unable to battle, Charmander wins!” The tone of voice seemed confident, hinting at her over joy for Max’s first win, “Congratulations Max.”

    “Well done young man. After that match I can tell that you are not a crook, especially if you hang around with such a great Gym leader like Roxanne. That was a pleasurable match, and I know you’ll become a great Pokémon trainer!" A sudden pause swept past the travelers, it was clear that he was still contemplating something in his mind, "I know this is really sudden and out of the blue, but because of the skill and compassion you have shown, I want you to have my Budew!”

    “What? I can’t do that! She’s your Pokémon. She belongs with you.” Max stepped away in a flash, still looking into the eyes of the desperate man. He hoped to indicate his thoughts on the idea; he couldn’t take someone else’s Pokémon. Could he?

    “As sad as this may be. It’s for the best. You see…” The man indicated to a clearing, where the three could just about make out the ruins. They started to wander in that direction, whilst listening to the man talk. “I use to travel all over the place, battling Gym Leaders and entering the league. The last region I visited was Sinnoh, where I met my friend Budew.” He glanced over to Budew walking beside him, also looking unbearably unhappy from the thought of losing her friend, “Budew, I know this is hard. But Max will look after you properly and give you the chance to travel again, even compete in more Gym Battles.” Budew continued to stare blankly at the ground, struggling to hold back her desperate tears.

    “Budew return,” a beam of red light struck the Bud Pokémon, turning it into energy that glided back into the ball. The man broke down in tears, dropping to his knees. “Here Max. Take the PokeBall.” He raised his trembling hand; Max gently took the PokeBall looking straight at the shiny object.

    “No, wait I really can’t do this, look at you, you’re a wreck at the thought!”

    “But it’s for the best…” he responded, “Sometimes what’s best for a trainer isn’t best for the Pokémon.”

    Max pondered over the phrase, looking back up at Joshua, “I suppose you’re right, thank you Sir. I’ll make sure Budew is looked after with proper care. You have nothing to worry about.” Max replied, attempting his best comfort techniques, “And think about it, you can come and visit any of my Gym Battles and I’d be happy to have you travel with us if you’d like.”

    “No my place is here I’m afraid, that’s why I’m giving you Budew, but I might just take you up on the Gym Battle offer,” he looked up with a flicker of joy about him.

    “So, what’s your name Mr?” Roxanne inquired.

    “Oh, sorry, I completely forgot about that. I’m Joshua, and I enforce the law in this town. So I suppose you could call me Oldale Town’s Protector in a way,” Joshua joked, as he wiped away the salty tears, attempting to hold back the flood line. “And the reason I tackled you earlier on was because I thought you were coming here to steal the item ‘Protector’.”

    “What… you mean…”

    Max and Roxanne looked at each other with a puzzled complexion. What mysteries lie ahead for our hero? Will Budew accept Max as her new trainer? And who is after the item ‘Protector’?
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2010
  17. DanChimchar

    DanChimchar Friends are Diamonds

    Cool chapter few spelling mistakes but thats ok. Budew beginging giving away was a twist I thought Max would catch it but whatever. I would love to know what Joshuwa looks like and stuff. But over all a great chapter a 7/10 in my book.
  18. Me_Love_Eevee!

    Me_Love_Eevee! Well-Known Member

    Hello, I'm Me_Love_Eevee! and I just registered into the Serebii.net Forums not too long ago and I must say, WOW! That story is amazing! The first three chapter are sooooooo good! To be honest I hope MAx doesn't keep Budew because it would be wrong to keep a pokemon that was someone elses and that person cared about a lot (but that's my opinion). I want to know what is the first pokemon Max is going to CATCH! I hope it's Ralts or Poochyena because Max befriended them in the pokemon anime and he's really close to them anyway. It would be kind of cool if he caught a MArill outside of Petalburg. They only appear there in Emerald right? Anyway though, this is a really good series. Good choice of pokemon moves (Bullet Seed, TM, I hope for egg moves) Great storyline and YAY Charmander. I hope he gets .......... EEVEE! Well I hope EVERYONE gets Eevee, Me_Love_Eevee! Still, great story, hope you create A LOT more soon.
  19. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Well Me_Love_Eevee! I'm working on the 4th Chapter as I type this. And thank you for the review. Same with you Dan Chimchar. And Joshua will be described next Chapter, thanks for picking up on that though I completely forgot.

    Some bad news for you Me_Love_Eevee! [spoil]Budew is unfortunately staying. But they do keep on bumping into Joshua every now and again.[/spoil]

    And a note, Chapter 3 is the 1st part of a 3 part ark.

    Also Chapter 4's title:

    [spoil]Chapter 4: Who are they?[/spoil]
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2008
  20. Me_Love_Eevee!

    Me_Love_Eevee! Well-Known Member

    Oh well. At least Budew is going to a worthy trainer and that it's original trainer visits her every now and again. That Budew is cool because it has Bullet Seed, a TM. Hope more of the pokemon learn TM's, HM's and maybe Egg Moves. I can't wait to see Max's first CAUGHT pokemon. Also, thank you for adding me as a friend, I really appreciate that.

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