Hi all.
We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.
However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.
We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
It's quite good. The characterisation works fairly well, and the events do seem like episodes of the anime. It's also good that you're keeping in with continuity. However, make sure not to stick too close to the anime formula of 'group meets new character who has problem - they try to solve problem - Team Rocket attacks and blasts off' as that will get dull. Not that you can't do that, but try to spice it up a bit. I'd also recommend adding more action in the form of stage directions and description (like after the attacks are called out, you could describe how the Pokemon use the move or dodge it) so the story feels more engaging. Finally, the story could do with more interactions between the characters to add both conflict/drama and humour. It feels kind of aimless right now, because of the lack of interactions and description (I know it's a script, but it needs more stage direction). It's not bad though, so good luck!
It's quite good. The characterisation works fairly well, and the events do seem like episodes of the anime. It's also good that you're keeping in with continuity. However, make sure not to stick too close to the anime formula of 'group meets new character who has problem - they try to solve problem - Team Rocket attacks and blasts off' as that will get dull. Not that you can't do that, but try to spice it up a bit. I'd also recommend adding more action in the form of stage directions and description (like after the attacks are called out, you could describe how the Pokemon use the move or dodge it) so the story feels more engaging. Finally, the story could do with more interactions between the characters to add both conflict/drama and humour. It feels kind of aimless right now, because of the lack of interactions and description (I know it's a script, but it needs more stage direction). It's not bad though, so good luck!
THANK YOU FOR VERY USEFUL AND CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENT)
Please answer some of my questions(remarks):
1)I didn't want to use Team Rocket commonly, I used them just so Max could save and catch Tailow
2)Can you write more about stage directions and description?
I use stages directions and description in those things (....), but I can't use it too common, because I feel my fic can become boring and difficult to read and it doesn't do well in scripts fics. So, I make my fic easier to read nd to follow
3)I made a lot of interactions, didn't I?
In answer to your VM, no thanks, I don't want to be on the PM list. It's not that I'm uninterested in your fanfic, but I'll most likely see if you've updated anyway, so I don't need to have a PM.
1. To be honest, while this does mean that the story isn't going to be as formulaic as the anime, it has another problem. If Team Rocket ONLY appear so Max can catch Taillow, why have them appear at all? Team Rocket is like the Pokemon mafia after all - there has to be a pretty good reason for them to pop up, and it's in their nature to be recurring characters anyway. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have Team Rocket reappear ar all - just to do so sparingly. In fact, they might have to now, as Cassidy and butcher Butch are the type of characters to have a bigger plan going on. Otherwise, they could be replaced by random poachers and the story would be the same.
2. Looking back, you do seem to have a decent amount of stage directions. The problem is the quality of them. Stage directions should be used before text to show a character reacting (you have already done this well) or in the middle of text to show action. You need to improve on the latter - go into depth. How does Treecko move? What does an attack look like (not just the reaction to the attack)? Etc. More detail is the description - showing what things look like, and also how the characters are thinking and feeling e.g. Does Treecko move excitedly, impatiently or tiredly? This can show a lot about the character. You also need a brief description when describing a new area e.g. When entering a forest, you can say that the towering trees blocked out the sunlight, that there is a carpet of leaves on the ground, and there is silence apart from the cries of bird Pokemon.
3. You have interactions, yes, but you need to inject some personality into them. What I'd do is think about the character's base traits, and then think of what they might say following the traits - a shy person wouldn't agree to a challenge very easily, and the mean rival wouldn't want to say good job to his opponents, for example. Right now, many of the characters feel kind of samey and bland - there isn't much personality wise that makes them different.
1. To be honest, while this does mean that the story isn't going to be as formulaic as the anime, it has another problem. If Team Rocket ONLY appear so Max can catch Taillow, why have them appear at all? Team Rocket is like the Pokemon mafia after all - there has to be a pretty good reason for them to pop up, and it's in their nature to be recurring characters anyway. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have Team Rocket reappear ar all - just to do so sparingly. In fact, they might have to now, as Cassidy and butcher Butch are the type of characters to have a bigger plan going on. Otherwise, they could be replaced by random poachers and the story would be the same.
2. Looking back, you do seem to have a decent amount of stage directions. The problem is the quality of them. Stage directions should be used before text to show a character reacting (you have already done this well) or in the middle of text to show action. You need to improve on the latter - go into depth. How does Treecko move? What does an attack look like (not just the reaction to the attack)? Etc. More detail is the description - showing what things look like, and also how the characters are thinking and feeling e.g. Does Treecko move excitedly, impatiently or tiredly? This can show a lot about the character. You also need a brief description when describing a new area e.g. When entering a forest, you can say that the towering trees blocked out the sunlight, that there is a carpet of leaves on the ground, and there is silence apart from the cries of bird Pokemon.
3. You have interactions, yes, but you need to inject some personality into them. What I'd do is think about the character's base traits, and then think of what they might say following the traits - a shy person wouldn't agree to a challenge very easily, and the mean rival wouldn't want to say good job to his opponents, for example. Right now, many of the characters feel kind of samey and bland - there isn't much personality wise that makes them different.
4th Chapter: I liked how Cassidy and Butch make a return! The ending was great ending in a cliffhanger.
5th Chapter: I likle how Forrester wants to stay and protect the forest while Forest goes of with Max, the ending made me want more! Which is needed sometimes. Great two chapters!
4th Chapter: I liked how Cassidy and Butch make a return! The ending was great ending in a cliffhanger.
5th Chapter: I likle how Forrester wants to stay and protect the forest while Forest goes of with Max, the ending made me want more! Which is needed sometimes. Great two chapters!
Hi everyone! Gonna update new chapter soon!
But news: the 6th chapter will be called "The Master Quiz!"
Amd it will be the 1st chapter, where will be images of(I won't say it)
And they would be very useful))not for me, but for you)
So, good luck and I hope you'll check out my new chapter!
Must admit, I was surprised when Cassidy and Butch Biff showed up. Didn't expect that, but yays for surprises~ Good chapters so far. :3 (Again, I suck at criticism, so sorry ^^;.)
Hey, I'm finally getting a chance to skim through this, and I thought I'd give you the biggest piece of advice I can think of before getting too far in-depth (it's 4:30 in the morning here, heh):
I get that you got permission to do script format for your story, and that's cool, but if you are going to write in script, it should be with some sort of purpose. Script is GENERALLY a terrible way to tell a story because there's no narration, so it reads basically as "dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, brief description of some relevant action, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue". It leaves a reader feeling much less invested in the characters because the reader isn't getting any insight into anyone's perspective.
What I mean as far as doing script "with a purpose" is that there are only a few reasons people ever write in script format, and none of them are for people to read alone. They write script to describe scene content to either an artist (comic books or other illustrated works) or a performer (television show or movie or play). Those kinds of scripting are all different formatically (I just made that word up, bear with me), because they are conveying different things. A comic book script is done to describe a page layout to an artist and what should be drawn to focus the reader on. A TV/movie/play script is going to be full of direction for actors and actresses, as well as descriptions of setting, with the key difference being that a TV/movie script will also have directions for what the camera is focusing on while a play script with have directions for what characters who aren't the focal point of a scene will be doing when the audience's attention is on something else. A script for an animated show or movie is going to be a combination of comic book (describing for an artist to draw what needs to be shown) and TV/movie (describing for voice actors how they need to present their emotions).
Okay, I feel like I'm rambling and not making much sense at 4am, so I'm going to try to be a little clearer:
If you want to write something in script, you should decide its purpose. Do you imagine your story as a play for a live audience? Or a comic book? Or a television show? Or a movie? If it is a movie or a television show, is it animated or live action? I'm sure you have an idea in your head of how this story "presents", so go with that. When you have that decision, I'd do some research on that format of script (they are all different) and work your story that way (some noteworthy differences: comic books have page layout directions; plays have stage directions; a movie will have setting descriptions).
I think that when your story is scripted with a purpose towards a format, it will read a lot more fluidly. I honestly, wholly just feel that script as a format for a narrative story is ineffectual. As I said, it doesn't allow the reader to get as enveloped in any of the characters, because everything feels like it is happening without much of a purpose. How does anyone feel? Is there any innermost thought process?
I took the liberty of looking up some sites that give various kinds of scripting format advice, so I hope you don't mind:
So, yeah. I actually didn't talk about the STORY at all, did I? I thought this was a bit more important. And now it's 5am, so I am going back to bed. With any luck, I'll get to come back and say something about the actual story going on here later.
Sid87, thank you a lot for this post!
Actually, I don't plan something serious like a book, or a movie, it's just for fun)
Actually, before writing it, I wanted to write it in a script way, but now I think that it is easier to write in different way, but as it too Late to change anything, I'll keep writing in script format and change it from the new part of Fic, which is not soon(
Thanks for the links, I'll check it and last but not least, I'll try to describe as much as I coulld, so wait for the new chapter!)
Oh, I get that you probably didn't have any great design on turning this into a play or manga or a movie, but I still just mean that if you pick a format and role with that, it will help readers get an even better visual for your story. We'll see it as a show or a comic or something rather than just as a bunch of dialogue one after another.
Hi! My dear readers) I post a new chapter. It will be a huge one, and as it has a Quiz, you may participate in it!)
Just answer the questions an test yourselves)
So, here it is!)
The 6th Chapter: The Master Quiz!
(Max and Forrest come out of the forest and, finally, they see Rustboro City ahead of them. There a lot of modern high buildings and as soon they go into the city, they see that the Pokemon Center is not far ahead)
Max(with full of joy and energy): “Oh, It’s the Pokemon Center!”(points at it)
Forrest(agrees): “Yes.” (To Max) “Max, have you been here before?”
Max: “Sure, I was!”
Forrest(says very gently): “So, do you know that there is a gym here?”
Max(says with a little bit irritating voice): “Yeah, so what’s up?”
Forrest(impatiently): “So, would you challenge this gym leader? Would you?”
Max(thinking): “Well, I haven’t thought about that.”
(While Max is thinking, they approach to a beautiful white building with a large display at the top, large Poster, showing Beautifly, using Silver Wind and Spoink, which is bouncing on its tail at the background, and a girl with orange hair and microphone in her hands. They see the sign above poster, where is written with large pink letters: “Pokemon Contest, Rustboro City, starts next week”)
Max(looks at it and he really likes it building as it eyes are shining when he look at it): “What a magnificent building! And look at the poster. Two Pokemon are there: Spoink and Beautifly! Let’s check these Pokemon!”
Forrest(doesn’t understand and asks Max): “What do you mean by checking?”
Max(takes Pokedex out of his back): “Look here!”
(Max looks at it and Forrest looks and shouts)
Forrest: “Oh a Pokedex! I’ve always wanted one!”
Max(smiles as he is proud that he has Pokedex): “By checking I mean that I check the Pokemon I want using my device.”
Forrest(understand): “So, we gonna check these Pokemon, won’t we?”
Max: “Yeah!” (checks the data)
Pokedex: “Beautifly, the Butterfly Pokémon, and the evolved form of Silcoon. When flowers are in bloom, Beautifly fly about gathering pollen.
Spoink, the Bounce Pokémon. Spoink bounces about on its tail. The pearl upon its head helps to magnify its psychic powers. If a Spoink loses its pearl, it grows extremely tired.”
Max: “Cool!” (looks at the Poster) “Hey, I know her, it’s Vivian!”
Forrest(surprisingly): “Vivian, who is it?”
Max: “You don’t know? Forrest, you must have been in forests for a long time.” (and laughs)
Forrest(with a -_- face): “Ha-ha, funny…Well, seriously?”
Max: “She is the master of ceremonies.”
Forrest: “Very interesting! Well, you’ll tell me about it later!”
Max: “Sure! So, I was thinking about the gym battle…”(thinks)“Well, the Rustboro gym leader is Roxanne, and she uses Rock-types. I do have a Treecko, who is a good choice, but Tailow is a flying type and may have troubles with it…”
Forrest: “Yes, but you forgot that Tailow has a secret weapon…”
Max: “A secret weapon?” (takes a pause) “Oh, certainly! Steel Wing is super-effective! So, I can give it a shot!”
Forrest: “Well, let’s get going!”
Max: “Okay…”
(They go to the Rustboro City gym. As they come close to it, they see that a sign is hanging on the door of the large, rock-like house)
Max(excited): “That’s the Rustboro City gym!”
Forrest: “Well yeah, but there is a sign on the door.” (Comes and reads it as Max listens attentively) “Dear Challengers, the Rustboro City gym will be closed today as the Master Quiz is taking place at the Rustboro City School. Yours faithfully, Roxanne.”
Max(surprised): “Closed? Oh, no. What should we do?” (thinks) “Oh! I know! We can and participate in that Quiz. Well, let’s go there immediately!”
Forrest: “Sure.”
(They come to the old, brown building and they come in. After some unsuccessful tries to find Roxanne, they see her standing in the hallway. Roxanne is talking to one of her students)
Max(comes to her): “Hi, ms. Roxanne! I...”
Roxanne: “Hi Max!”
Max(very surprised): “How do you recognize me after all this time?”
Roxanne(smiles and answers with a soft voice): “I remember all of my students here.” (looks at Forrest) “And you must be…”
Forrest: “I am Forrest Franklin.”
Roxanne: “Nice to meet you. So, what do you want to ask me?”
Max(starts talking, barely giving her a chance to finish her sentence): “We want to participate in today’s Quiz… Can you let us in?”
Roxanne(nods): “You are just in time. Of course, the entry is for everyone.”
Max(asks): “Tell me please, how you gonna rate our answers and on what topics would they be?”
Roxanne: “That’s a secret.” (smiles)
Forrest: “and when should we start?”
Roxanne: “in 15 minutes”
Max(with relief): “Well, good timing…”
(As Roxanne goes out, Max suddenly remembers and asks her)
Max: “Ms. Roxanne?”
Roxanne(turns back): “Yes, Max?”
Max: “After all that, I want to challenge you to a battle!”
Roxanne(with a kind face): “Sure, Max! We’ll battle tomorrow, okay?”
Max(happily): “That’s fine! So, would we go to the quizroom together?”
Roxanne: “Okay.”
(They go upstairs and enter a huge classroom, where are a lot of students and it is a large screen in front of them. Max and Forrest take their place somewhere in the middle as Roxanne comes and starts the thing)
Roxanne: “Hi, dear students!”
Class(answers back with the same tone of voice): “Hi, ms. Roxanne!”
Roxanne(explains all carefully): “Today, we’ll have a Quiz! It will consist of 5 questions. They will be very interesting, educative and check your erudition. All you should do is to answer the questions correctly. The answers you’ll write here…”(gives the paper to all students and pens if necessary). I wish you all best luck! And let’s begin!”
(there is a silence in the classroom as they all prepare and wait)
Roxanne: “The first question…” (as she talks the image appears on the screen) “To which Pokemon does it belong to?”
(The class starts talking quietly and writing. Max is thinking, while Forrest has already written the answer. Max finally made up his mind.)
Roxanne: “It’s time for the second task. Write, which grass Pokemon in the Hoenn region is not weak against fire-type attacks?”
(Class starts writing again, as Max has immediately written the answer)
Max(proud of himself): “Well, that was easy.”
Forrest: “Maybe this one, no it’s weak….Common, Forrest, show you what’s you made of!”
Roxanne: “Here is the 3rd question…”(while the screen shows another picture) “Write please, what Pokemon or part of it is shown on the picture?”
(It becomes quiet in the class and all, even Max, think about it)
Max: “That’s definitely the part of Pokemon…It may be the head of Sceptile or it is…”
Forrest: “That’s interesting…May be it is rotated…”(turns his head and finally sees that picture)
“Oh, that’s definitely a Tailow, I see its beak and wing”
(Roxanne gives more time on this question, but then starts another)
Roxanne: “The fourth task, as we know, Swampert is a partly ground Pokemon, so electric type-attacks won’t work. Write please, would electric attack have any effect on Mudkip?”
(The class writes the answer and Roxanne starts again)
Roxanne: “The time for the final question! Who is that Pokemon or part of it?”(shows the Picture)
Max: “Wow! It’s funny!”(writes the answer)
Forrest(dissatisfied): “not again…”
Roxanne: “The time for the answers!
But first, hand in your papers…” (the class gives her them) “Well, the answer on the 1st question…(as the screen starts to show the pictures) “… to which Pokemon does it belong to? Is a Spoink.” (shows the whole image)
Max and Forrest: “Yeah! We are correct”
Roxanne: “The answer on the second one, which was: which grass Pokemon in the Hoenn region is not weak against fire-type attacks, is either one of Lotad, Lombre or Ludicolo. they are not weak to fire as they are water-types too.”
Max(touches his glasses): “Correct again. I have written all three of them.”
Forrest: “I wrote Lotad, so I am correct as well.”
Roxanne: “The answer on the 3rd task: what Pokemon or part of it is shown on the picture is a Slugma! Look at the picture!”
Most of the class: “Whoooahh!…”
Forrest(sadly): “That’s not a Tailow….”
Max: “hehehe…Correct again. Luckily, but okay.”
Roxanne: “the 4th task answer is that electric attacks would have effect on Mudkip as it is only water type and gains the 2nd, the ground type, after evolving.”
Max: “That was not difficult”
Forrest: “Yay!”
Roxanne: “And the answer on the last task was….A Flygon! Look at the picture…”
Max(jumps out of his seat): “I knew it was it! Yes!”
Roxanne(looks at Max): “Urg-hmm.”
Max: “Oh, I am very sorry..” (sits again)
Roxanne: “Now, I’ll count the results, while you can sit here or go and do something. It will take me about 15 minutes.”
(Almost a whole class goes out, Max and Forrest as well, all they talk about the questions)
The 1st boy(I knew I should describe him, but it doesn’t matter how he looks, just imagine it): “What questions…I can’t guess correctly Slugma or Flygon’s tail.”
The 2nd boy: “I guessed Flygon, but I forgot that Mudkip is not a ground…But other questions were easy”
The 1st girl: “Yeah! But for the moment, I thought it was a Clamper’s Pearl, they are soo adorable! ”
Max: “Well yes, but they have white pearls, not pink.”
Forrest: “Guys, what did you think about Flygon’s tail?”
The 2nd girl: “I thought it was a Combusken’s head..”
The 2nd boy: “Oh Torchic’s…”
The 1st boy: “Oh a hand of Shiftry…”
(As the time comes, they go into the classroom and wait for others, and as all come, Roxanne declares the results and he winner)
(Roxanne tells the results and announces the champion)
Roxanne(taking something out of her bag): “and the winner is Max, he is the only person to answer all the questions correctly!”
The whole class: “Congratulations, Max!”
Max(happily): “Thanks, all of you!”
Roxanne(gives Max a white, heart-like scale): “I present you a heart-scale!”
Max: “Thank you, it is so beautiful!”
Roxanne(to class): “Dear class, and I want to tell, that tomorrow I and Max will have a gym battle and you can watch it through our TV!”
Class(happily): “Hoooray!!”
(As all ends, Max and Forrest come out of the school. It is late and is getting dark quickly)
Forrest(looks at the sky): “It is getting dark. Let’s find a place to sleep.”
Max: “We can go to the Pokemon Center.”
(They go to the a white building with a large Pokeball-like roof. As they go in, they see the familiar smiling face)
???: “Hi!”
Max and Forrest: “Hi, Nurse Joy!!”
Nurse Joy: “Can I help you?”
Max: “Yes, we are looking for a place to have a night.”
Nurse Joy: “Oh, I’ll help you. We have free rooms upstairs.”
Max: “Oh, thank you!”
Nurse Joy: “You are welcome! Chansey, show them the room!”
Chansey: “Chansey!”
(Max acts like always)
Pokedex: “Chansey, the Egg Pokémon. Chansey is a kind Pokémon who shares its egg with those who are sick or injured.”
(Chansey shows them the room. It is a room, where is a bunk bed, a table an a chair)
Max and Forrest: “Thanks Chansey!”
Chansey(nods): “Chansey.”
(Max and Forrest take a place, turn the light off and soon Forrest is sleeping, while Max imagine how his battle will be going on)
Good chapter. It was good that we saw Max's huge knowledge about Pokemon in this chapter. And I can't wait to see the gym battle between Max and Roxanne.
, pretty well done.
