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Max's New Adventures

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by RealRaymon, Jul 21, 2012.

  1. RealRaymon

    RealRaymon Good series at last!

    Thanks for noticing some mistakes! I corrected them :)

    You are not nitpicky. If I am able to react positively to JX Valentine's humongous posts (no offence to you, Jax:)), than your posts aren't nitpicky at all :D
  2. RealRaymon

    RealRaymon Good series at last!

    The 36th Chapter: Aqua battle! Piplup vs Empoleon!

    Ash (thinks): "Hmm..." (Takes a Pokeball) "I can battle any Pokemon with this one. Go!"

    (As the Pokeball opens, a Pokemon with a brown shell appears. It looks at Gyarados seriously.)

    Ash: "Let's win this battle, Squirtle!"

    Squirtle (looks at Ash and nods): "Squirtle, Squirtle!"

    Max: "Oh, Ash chose his Squirtle!"

    Dawn: "It will be really interesting to see how it battles!"

    Barry: "Yeah! It is the first time I see Squirtle in battle."

    Announcer: "Let the battle begin!"

    Lily: "Gyarados, Hydro Pump!"

    Gyarados: "Tsha!" (blasts a powerful jet of water at Squirtle)

    Ash: "Counter it with your Hydro Pump!"

    Squirtle: "Squirtle! Squirt!" (Retreats into its' shell and rapidly spins and fires powerful jets of water from its mouth through all the shell's openings.)

    (Two Hydro Pumps collide. Their powers are equal and neither of the Pokemon wins.)

    Lily: "Try your Hydro Pump one more time!"

    (Gyarados uses Hydro Pump once more.)

    Ash: "Use Rapid Spin!"

    Squirtle: "Squirt!" (retreats into its' shell again and starts spinning)

    (Squirtle spins quickly and evades the Hydro Pump and hits Gyarados into its' face. Gyarados shakes its' head, and Squirtle lands on the platform.)

    Lily: "Use Whirlpool!"

    (Gyarados starts spinning in the water and creates a Whirlpool. Whirlpool starts getting larger and larger, and eventually traps Squirtle. Squirtle gets inside the Whirlpool and takes damage.)

    Ash: "Use Hydro Pump and try to get out!"

    Lily: "Use Hyper Beam!"

    Gyarados: "Tshaa!" (Orange beam appears in the front of Gyarados' mouth.)

    Ash (shouts): "Squirtle!"

    (Gyarados fires a Hyper Beam. It hits the whirlpool, but Squirtle dodges it by escaping the Whirlpool by spinning.)

    Ash: "Use Water Gun!"

    Squirtle: "Squirt!" (Fires water at Gyarados.)

    Lily: "No, Gyarados!"

    Barry: "Using a Hyper Beam is a very risky play, as the Pokemon that uses it has some time to recharge."

    Ash: "Skull Bash!"

    (Squirtle jumps and slams its head into Gyarados. Gyarados falls into the water.)

    Lily: "Gyarados?"

    Gyarados (with spiral eyes): "Tscha...."

    Ash: "We won!"

    Squirtle: "Squirtle!"

    Announcer: "Ash wins the battle!"

    Dawn: "All right, Ash won!"

    Barry: "No surprise here!"

    Max: "You guys are next!"

    Barry (with a surprised voce): "Huh?"

    Dawn (looks at the screen): "So, we are up. Are you ready, Piplup?"

    Piplup (nods): "Plup." (Looks at Barry with a serious look)

    Announcer: "The 26th battle will be between Dawn and Barry!"

    (Barry and Dawn stand on their sides on the battlefield.)

    Barry: “Go, Empoleon!”

    Empoleon (has a very confident look): “Empole.”

    Dawn: “Piplup, come out!”

    Piplup (comes out and stands in a noble pose): “Piplup.”

    Ash: “Wow! Dawn is battling Barry!”

    Max: “That is going to be a very intriguing battle, don’t you think so?”

    Ash: “Yeah. These two have never battled before.”

    Announcer: “Let the battle begin!”

    Barry: “Let’s start with Hydro Cannon!”

    Empoleon (nods): “Empole!”

    Dawn: “Counter it with Hydro Pump!”

    (Empoleon opens its' beak and fires a blue ball of water at Piplup. Piplup blasts a powerful stream of water at Empoleon. Two attacks collide. Hydro Cannon seems to be more powerful, but Piplup keeps blasting water and both attacks explode. The Pokemon are very confident and look at each other seriously.)

    Barry: “Empoleon, use Drill Peck!”

    Empoleon: "Empoleon!" (Jumps and spins like a drill. Its' beak and crown glow white and it heads into Piplup)

    Dawn: "Stop it with Bubblebeam!"

    Piplup: "Plup!" (Piplup opens its beak and releases a stream of blue bubbles)

    (Piplup hits Empoleon. Empoleon takes damage from Bubblebeam, but despite that, it has the power to move closer to Piplup.)

    Dawn: "Piplup, dodge that!"

    Piplup (nods): "Lup!" (Jumps)

    Empoleon (smirks): "Empole." (Changes the direction and hits Piplup)

    (Piplup falls on the platform. Empoleon dives in the water. Piplup stands up.)

    Barry: "Now use Steel Wing!"

    Empoleon: "Empole." (Jumps out of the water, and its' wings glow white)

    Dawn: "Not this time! Use Whirlpool, Piplup!"

    Piplup: "Pilpup!" (Starts creating a Whirlpool. Then it throws it into the water, and whirlpool becomes huge, trapping and damaging Empoleon at the same time.)

    Dawn: "All right!"

    Ash: "Using the pool to make Whirlpool larger was a great idea!"

    Max: "Yeah!"

    Empoleon (yells): "Empole!" (Tries to escape, but it can't)

    Barry (angrily grabs his head): "Empoleon!" (Then he smiles) "Use Hyper Beam!"

    (Empoleon forms an orange beam and releases it into Piplup, breaking the Whirlpool.)

    Dawn: "Dive!"

    (Piplup manages to dodge the attack.)

    Dawn: "Use Drill Peck!"

    Barry: "You use Drill Peck as well!"

    Empoleon (dives in the water): "Empole."

    (Both Pokemon spin underwater and hit each other several times. Dawn and Barry decide to change their strategies, and both Pokemon come out of the water and stand on the platform. They start to become exhausted.)

    Dawn: "Use Whirlpool, Piplup!"

    Piplup: "Piplup" (Creates a Whirlpool and throws it into Empoleon)

    Barry: "Counter it with your Hydro Cannon!"

    Empoleon: "Empole." (Fires a Hydro Cannon)

    (Hydro Cannon overpowers Whirlpool, but loses its power.)

    Dawn: "Use Drill Peck!"

    Piplup (jumps): "Plup!"

    (Piplup spins and hits Hydro Cannon at high speed, almost not taking damage from it. It quickly approaches Empoleon.)

    Barry: "Use Hyper Beam!"

    (Empoleon starts creating a Hyper beam, and prepares to fire it, but Piplup manages to hit Empoleon into its' chest. Empoleon is thrown back in the water, and Piplup lands on the platform, where Empoleon was standing.)

    Dawn: "Use Whirlpool one more time!"

    Piplup: "Piplup!" (Forms a Whirlpool and throws it in the Water, making it more powerful.)

    (Ash and Max are excited by the combination Dawn is using.)

    Max: "Piplup's Whirlpool is really powerful!"

    Ash: "I agree. I wonder how will Empoleon take this attack."

    Barry: "Use Steel Wing, Empoleon!"

    (Empoleon jumps out of the other side of the water and hits Piplup with its Steel Wing attack. Piplup is sent in its own Whirlpool.)

    Dawn (with very worried voice): "Oh no!"

    Barry (smiles): "Use Hyper Beam!"

    (Empoleon starts using Hyper Beam, but Barry sees that Whirlpool comes in the direction, where Empoleon stands.)

    Barry (with a very surprised voice): "What?"

    Dawn (looks at Barry and wags her index finger): "Surprised, huh? Piplup can control its' Whirlpool."

    (Piplup comes very close, but Empoleon releases a Hyper Beam. The attacks collide and make an explosion that send both Pokemon far in the water. They stand up on the platforms near each other, and breathe harshly.)

    Piplup (exhausted): "Plup, plup..."

    Dawn (with a worried voice): "Ah..."

    Empoleon (is worn out as well): "Em-pole..."

    Barry: "Empoleon, I know that you can battle more!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, I know that you are strong!"

    (Piplup and Empoleon look at each other, smirk, and start glowing light blue at the same time.)

    Dawn and Barry: "Oh..."

    Ash: "It is Torrent!"

    Max: "It is! They have Torrent, just like Marshtomp does!"

    Barry: "About time!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, I knew you can do it!"

    Piplup (nods): "Piplup."

    Barry: "Hydro Cannon!"

    Empoleon (nods): Empole."

    Dawn: "Hydro Pump!"

    Piplup: "Piplup."

    (Empoleon creates a large, swirling light blue all of water, and fires it at Piplup. Piplup, at the same time, releases a Hydro Pump, much more powerful than before. These two attacks collide, and make another explosion, sending the Pokemon back in the water again.)

    Ash: "Wow, this explosion was really powerful!"

    (Piplup and Empoleon don't come out of the water.)

    Barry: "Empoleon, come out!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, you come out, too!" (Says to herself) "Please be okay..."

    (After a short time, bubbles appear on the surface, and both Pokemon jump out of the water. They look on each other, smile, and fall.)

    Dawn: "No!"

    Barry: "Empoleon, stand up!"

    Dawn: "Try to stand up, Piplup!"

    Empoleon (with a weak voice): "Empole..." (Tries to stand up with the help of its' wings)

    Piplup (with a weak voice): "Piplup..." (Does the same)

    (Pokemon stand again and are very exhausted. Dawn and Barry understand that, and don't tell their Pokemon to use any of the attacks. Piplup and Empoleon stand against each other.)

    Empoleon (feels pain in the chest): "Empole!"

    Barry: "No, Empoleon!"

    Piplup: "Pip-lup." (Falls on the platform)

    (Piplup falls on the platform with spiral eyes. Empoleon manages not to fall by leaning on its' right wing.)

    Announcer: "Barry wins the battle!"

    Dawn: "Piplup, you did your very best, thank you." (Returns Piplup)

    Barry (with a happy voice): "We did it, Empoleon!"

    Empoleon: "Empole..."

    (Empoleon keeps leaning on its wing, and doesn't even look at Barry, because it can't move)

    Barry: "You were awesome, Empoleon! You deserved a nice, long rest!" (Returns it)

    Ash: "Wow! That was a really thrilling battle!"

    Max: "I didn't know who'll win till the end!"

    Barry (comes to Dawn): "That battle was really great! Thanks, Dawn!"

    Dawn (nods and smiles): "Yeah! Thanks to you, too!"

    (They go upstairs.)

    The end of the 36th Chapter.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2013
  3. Pokegirl Fan~

    Pokegirl Fan~ February 15, 2011-February 15, 2020

    That was a great chapter. The battles were really detailed and well written. I liked Ash's strategy in his battle with Squirtle against Gyarados and that he pulled off an awesome victory. I also liked Dawn and Barry's battle. It was very well written and detailed, with intense action and it was very close. I can't wait to see who battles in the next round.
  4. amittal12

    amittal12 Sceptile Maniac

    The battles were nice but Ash's battle result was expected but still you showed the battle well.I really liked the Piplup v Empoleon battle.I would say it is one of your best battles so far.It had everything-nice moves,ability,determination and suspense.But I didn't get why Empoleon didn't have to recharge after Hydro Cannon.
  5. Charizard-Fan

    Charizard-Fan Star Wars fan

    This was a very good chapter. Battle between Squirtle and Gyarados was good and it was great to see Squirtle owning. Ash's strategy was also very good.
    And Piplup vs Empoleon is easily one of the best battles in your fic. It was very well written, detailed, intense and I liked it that both Empoleon and Piplup used Torrent. It was also one of the closest battles in your fic, if not the closest. I'm also glad for Empoleon winning because I like it more than Piplup, but I was also glad it was a close win. Also, I don't know if I'm the only one, but Piplup vs Empoleon reminded me of Charizard vs Blaziken. Both battles were very intense and close, and in both battles both Pokemon fell to the ground and got back up but eventually other Pokemon fell to the ground.
  6. RealRaymon

    RealRaymon Good series at last!

    Thank you. I am glad you liked it:) Are you a little bit said that Dawn lost?
    Thank you, too:)
    I agree. It is one of the best battles I have written.
    I'll answer ypur question about not recharging after Hydro Cannon.
    You see, in the series, Empoleon haven't ever recharged after a Hydro Cannon. He did after a Hyper Beam, but not after a Hydro Cannon.
    One of my true readers:)
    I knew you'll like that Squirtle won.
    I think, that it is one of the closest battles, too.
    And it is the longest battle(between two Pokemon) in my whole fic. It was 4 pages long. Some writers don't even write the whole chapter in 4 pages;)
    You know, I was thinking that this battle reminded me of Pikachu vs Meowth battle, and Chariizard vs Blaziken:)
  7. infernape100

    infernape100 Well-Known Member

    Another good chapter with number 35. There's not much to say about this chapter but there were Some more good battle descriptions and the use of torrent was original and unexpected! The grammar and stuff has improved as i have only found a couple of mistakes.
    The thirty-two (or 32)


    I've never heard the name Dwyane before, maybe you meant Dwayne

    capital letter at the start of the sentence The

    A good chapter, i'll read and comment on the next chapter once i've done another few things.
  8. Dormant

    Dormant I'M A TREE RAWR

    Great Chapter! Piplup vs Empolean! I didn't think the battle would end in a tie, but hey! No one messes with Piplup!

    And the owner of the Gyarados must feel ridiculous because her Gyarados got beaten up by a Squirtle.

    Yep, I read it :)
  9. ChampioN-Trainer-BriaN

    ChampioN-Trainer-BriaN Well-Known Member

    25th and 26th battle?? There are 32 trainers remaining in 2nd round.So maximum number of battles can be '16' only. There cant be more than 16 battles with 32 trainers.
    Apart from that....I wanted to say A JOB WELL DONE.....I read all chapters you have written they are all amazing.Keep it up.;-)
  10. *PKMN Trainer Paddy*

    *PKMN Trainer Paddy* #HORSEPOWER

    Hi raymon =D.
    Firstly, an apology for the late review. My internet has been playing up and i havent been active all week. But through methods unknown, i will comment!
    I would have to say this would be one of my favourite chapters so far in the fic, with beautiful description, heated battles and your longer chapters must be commended.
    Ashs battle was great. Some nice play from squirtle and good ol' head smash led to the downfall of Gyarados. I'm glad to see a victory for Ash's Squirtle.
    Now for Barry and Dawn. It lived up to and even exceeded my expectations. An evolutionary battle too. It didnt originally sound to interesting but as it progressed, i found different. The combinations were both strategic and to an extent beautiful. You would think Empoleon would destroy Piplup, but thanks to Dawns combinations it proved again to be a surprise.
    At the end, Barry and Empoleon just scraped the victory, and the rest of this contest will be interesting whatever happens.
    Well done Raymon, keep it up and you will have happy readers =D
  11. TheSirPeras

    TheSirPeras The end of an era

    Yeah let's get it going! :D

    This reminded me of the episode where the S.S. Anne goes all Titanic Style with all the Gyarados attacking the group :D Memories xD

    There should be "an" before Orange Beam :)

    I feel like Gyarados went down a bit too easily, but it really shows Squirtle's power so it's good :)

    Bolded the mistake ;)

    This chapter was really good :) Both battles were epic, and the strategies you came up with were really good :) And also, there weer basically no grammar mistakes so good job for that :)
  12. RealRaymon

    RealRaymon Good series at last!

    Thanks, it is good to know that I have improved my grammar.
    Empoleon won.
    Never underestimate the power of Squirtle! :D
    Haven't noticed that, thanks for telling me, I will correct that.
    Other than that, I am glad you liked it. Expect to hear from you more =)
    Hi Paddy =)
    You have no need to apologize, it is absolutely fine :)
    I am also glad that you liked the chapter, and, thanks for the nice words)
    Yeah! :D
    When I was writing that, I was also thinking about that James' Gyarados and the twister.
    Epic? O_O :) Thanks! It is very nice to hear that:D
  13. OceanicLanturn

    OceanicLanturn Non non non!

    This is a really good battle, Piplup vs Empoleon. I love how this is one of the battles where everything is thrown into the mixture: Pinch Abilities activating for both sides, Strategies and moves. To be honest, I didn't actually know who will win until the end, and this battle kept me, non-literally, at the edge of my seat. It was an interesting read. However, it seems... I'm not sure, unnatural for Squirtle to pull of such an easy win. I know that Squirtle is strong, but I would've preferred it if the battle was longer. However, this was a really good chapter, and an awesome read.

    Also, random fact: I realised Piplup had 5 moves if Dive counted in this chapter alone: Hydro Pump, Bubblebeam, Whirlpool, Drill Peck, Dive XD
  14. RealRaymon

    RealRaymon Good series at last!

    Thanks for your comment!)
    Actually, Piplup didn't use Dive as a move:)
    So it has 4 moves
  15. infernape100

    infernape100 Well-Known Member

    Okay so, firstly sorry as yet again i haven't got much time free at the moment so this wil have to be short.
    While, squirtle's victory was rather expected i think that a squirtle loss against a little girl would have been quit odd. It was a nice battle - hmm nothing much to say about it really.
    As for the second battle... WOW! it took me ages to read i must say but it was very good, there were a variety of tactics and moves used, which is nice, and i liked how you cut to ash and max at some points, too. Some issues i found were that uses Torrent again was a bit disappointing, i thought maybe it would be a rarity so that was a shame. Also, Empoleon didn't seem to need to recover from Hydro Canon, like the gyarados did with hyper beam. Oh, and it seems as if you're drifting more to telling than showing, as well. For example you said that Empoleon was being damaged in the whirlpool - but how do we know this? you should SHOW us he is being damaged by saying it is recoiling or something rather than TELLING. Now, i won't do the grammar because i don't have much time but will hopefully soon as there were quit a few errors.
  16. RealRaymon

    RealRaymon Good series at last!

    No need for apoogize, I have little time as well:( So, I understand you.
    Yeah, Torrent again was a bit uncreative, but I wanted to show torrent-boosted attacks.
    Barry's Empoleon doesn't recharge from Hydro Cannon in the series, so why would he recharge here?)
    Anyway, thanks! Glad that you liked how I described the battle=)

    The 37th chapter: The show goes on!

    (The third round approaches, and all the main heroes are waiting for the third round tournament brackets.)

    Announcer: “And there they are, our today’s tournament battles!” (As trainers look at the screen, announcer keeps talking) “16 Pokemon trainers will clash in 8 battles, and only the strongest will advance to the fourth round! And the first battle will be against Max and Marina!”

    Max: “Me? Already?”

    Barry: “Go, Max! We believe in you!”

    Max: “Thanks!”

    (Max goes downstairs.)

    Max (saying to himself): “Who am I facing?” (Remembers)


    Perry: "Kingdra, I know you can do it...Stand up!"

    Kingdra (shakes, but stands): "Do-o-o-o!"

    Marina: "They won't beat us, Walrein!"

    Walrein (yells): "Rein!"

    Perry: "Let's use Dragon Pulse!"

    Marina: "Use Ice Beam, Wallrein!"

    (Kingdra shoots a light blue sphere at Wallrein. Wallrein releases an icy beam. The attacks collide, and seems to be equal. They make an explosion. After a smoke disappears, Wallrein is standing firm, but Kingdra is knocked out.)


    Max: “Oh, that lady…” (As he remembers a young lady with brown hair, who has a very confident look, and has white T-shirt and jeans on her.)

    (Max goes on the battlefield and sees her.)

    Marina: “Go, Walrein!”

    Walrein (lets out a battle cry): “Walrein!”

    Barry: “Walrein, the Ice Body Pokemon. Walrein's two massively developed tusks can totally shatter blocks of ice weighing ten tons with one blow. This Pokémon's thick coat of blubber insulates it from subzero temperatures.”

    Dawn (looks at Barry’s Pokedex): “Yeah, it is a huge and powerful Pokemon, that’s for sure.”

    Ash (with calm and jolly voice): “Max can handle that!”

    Max: “Go, Marshtomp!”

    Marshtomp (comes out and looks very seriously at Walrein)

    Max: “Get ready.”

    Marshtomp (nods): “Marsh.”

    Marina (to Max): “You did a nice job with going to the third round with a Ground Pokemon. But I will try my best to stop you.” (Looks at Walrein) “Ice Beam!”

    Walrein: “Rein!” (Fires a light blue beam)

    Max: “Dodge it!”

    Marshtomp: “Tomp!” (Dives in the water)

    Max: “Get closer!”

    Marina: “Stop it with your Ice Ball!”

    Walrein: “Walrein!” (Fires an Ice Ball)

    Max: “The first Ice Ball won’t do much. Use DynamicPunch!”

    (Marshtomp breaks the Ice Ball with its glowing right arm, and punches Walrein in the head.)

    Walrein: “Wall…” (Falls onto the platform)

    Marina: “No, Walrein!”

    Barry: “That looked like a critical hit to me!”

    Ash: “Yeah! Nice job, Marshtomp!”

    Marina: “Stand up Walrein!”

    Walrein: “Walrein…” (Stands up)

    Marina: “Ice Beam!”

    Max: “Mud Shot!”

    (The Pokemon fire their attacks, and their powers are equal. In the last moment Ice Beam overpowers Mud Shot, and Ice Beam hits Marshtomp.)

    Max (surprised): “Ah…”

    Marina: “Use Body Slam!”

    Walrein (jumps high): “Wal!”

    Marshtomp: “Marshtomp…” (Stands up)

    Max (becomes nervous): “Stop it with Water Gun…No, with Mud Shot, no…”

    Marshtomp (breathes in air to fire a Water Gun): “Marsh…” (Hears that Max switched his command to Mud Shot) “Tomp!” (Releases brown water from its’ mouth)

    Max: “What?”

    (Marshtomp’s attack hits Walrein. Walrein absorbs the hit, but misses the Body Slam)

    Max: “Use Tackle!”

    Marshtomp: “Marsh!” (Slams Walrein, who has just landed on the platform.)

    (Walrein is sent back on several meters. It breathes harshly, then falls again.)

    Walrein (with spiral eyes): “Walrein…”

    Max (happily): “We did it!”

    Marshtomp (smiles): “Marsh!”

    Ash: “Wow! This new attack really changed the pace of the battle!”

    Dawn: “Yeah, but what was the attack it used?” (Takes Pokedex.)

    Pokedex: “Muddy Water. The Pokemon attacks by shooting out muddy water that can lower the foe's accuracy.”

    Dawn: “That was the reason Walrein missed its’ Body Slam…”

    Barry: “Max battled great!” (Mas comes to them) ”Here he is! Nice battle, Max!”

    Max: “Thanks! But I really was surprised when Marshtomp used Muddy Water.”

    Ash: “Your Marshtomp is pretty strong, so it is not surprising.”

    Max: “Yeah, maybe.” (Smiles)

    Barry: “By the way, who battles next?”

    Announcer: “The second battle is between Erica and Kevin.”

    Barry: “Ah, not me…”

    (After some time.)

    Barry: “Finally!”

    Announcer: “The fifth match will be between Reddy and Barry!”

    Dawn: “Good luck, Barry!”

    Barry: “Thanks!”

    (Barry goes to his side of the battlefield. He sees a trainer in a red pullover, red cap with white stripes, and blue jeans)

    Barry: “Go, Empoleon!”

    Empoleon: “Empole!”

    Reddy: “Blastoise, I choose you!”

    Blastoise (comes out): “Blast!”

    Ash: “Wow! He has a Blastoise!”

    Reddy (grins): “Use Focus Blast!”

    Blastoise: “Blast!” (Puts its hands together in front of it and creates a light blue ball of energy)

    Barry: “Hydro Cannon!”

    (Empoleon opens its' beak and fires a blue ball of water at Blastoise. Two attacks collide and explode.)

    Barry: “Drill Peck!”

    (Empoleon’s beak and crown glow white. It jumps and starts spinning.)

    Reddy: “Focus Blast!”

    Empoleon: “Empole!” (Dodges Focus Blast) “On!” (Strikes Blastoise)

    Blastoise: “Blast!“

    Reddy: “Hydro Pump!”

    Blastoise: “Blastoise!” (Fires two streams of water at Empoleon and hits it)

    (Empoleon is pushed back. Both Pokemon start to get warned out.)

    Barry: “Use Hyper Beam!”

    Empoleon (nods): “Empole.”

    Reddy: “Hydro Pump!”

    Blastoise (aims cannons at Empoleon): “Blastoise!”

    The end of the 37th Chapter.
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
  17. LadyLady

    LadyLady Well-Known Member

    Hey Raymon! Just popping by to give you a little review because Ri felt like it

    The only real problem I have when reading your chapters is description and the battles, but hay let me explain ;)

    I'm really not sure if it come across to other people too but for me everything seems to take the same direction, like someone does this, someone does that, and that's it. I'm finding it hard to explain this but I think with description it would pace this story out much more and rather not jump straight to the point everytime something else happens (but that's just me bby) also the battling, they seem to follow the same generic structure every time (this is something I need to work on too) I'm not really sure how you can work on that tho, maybe describing the attacks and emotions even more so than what you are now?

    anyway chapter 37 you deserve credit for sticking with this for so long! Well done hunni :))

    Edit: I can't spell for s***
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
  18. amittal12

    amittal12 Sceptile Maniac

    It was good to see Max advancing to the next round and Marshtomp learning Muddy Water and Barry also doing well.I didn't see any problems with grammar or spellings too.But this chapter seemed a bit short or maybe that's just me.
  19. Dormant

    Dormant I'M A TREE RAWR

    Bravo! Fantisimo! Max is always smart when it comes to battling. HE IS UNSTOPPABLE! I want to see a May vs Max Chapter! Good job.
  20. RealRaymon

    RealRaymon Good series at last!

    Hi! Nice to see you back!)
    I agree, I have a similar description in every chapter. But as for my plot, I really try to make it creative and unexpected. In the previous Chapter, for example, nobody knew whether Barry or Dawn will win the battle till the end. I try to describe attacks and emotions, but I don't want to make descriptions longer, because there will be less room for action:)
    Oh, thanks!)I really like to hear it (about credits:D) Thank you innuh(read backwards):)
    Good to know the grammar is okay) This chapter is shorter you are right. It is 4,5 pages A4. Last one was about 7. But I felt like I can end the chapter with Empoleon vs. Blastoise battle:)
    Well, somewhere in the future they may end up batling each other. But as for now, May is not in my plot:(

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