Finally back to fulfill your review request! Sorry about the wait.
And, well, the harshness of this review because… honestly? I’m going to have to disagree with everyone by saying it’s just not doing it for me.
I have to say that in terms of plot, the chapters I’ve missed were okay. Sure, you got more descriptive in your battles, but there were also a few times I had to cringe. For example, the part during the battle versus Wattson wherein the Pokémon stare each other down before one of them finally faints? That just sounded
too generically anime. Sure, you want to capture the essence of the show, but you say you’re working hard to make the battle great. I’d hate to say it this way, but a battle isn’t really
great until it brings something
new and different to the table. Having a battle end exactly the same way as we’ve seen matches end in the anime just isn’t new or different. It’s just doing what the anime is doing, and unfortunately, the anime isn’t exactly well-respected for its creativity.
Same thing goes for the Cassidy and Butch scene. You have them steal electricity for their boss (which… doesn’t entirely make sense because they’re Pokémon thieves and because it’s not like Team Rocket’s headquarters needs stored electricity anyway) and then get blasted off. It happens in literally five minutes, so there’s no real build-up to the reveal of their plot besides the fact that Max goes into New Mauville because something’s wrong down there. You don’t show us Cassidy and Butch setting things up, and you don’t let them pull evil shenanigans for more than a few lines (not including their motto) before the Pokémon of New Mauville blast them into the air. It feels a lot like they’re there for no particular reason because besides the fact that they practically shut New Mauville down, they don’t really make much of an impact on the plot. You could have just as easily replaced them with anything else (Electric-types eating the electricity somewhere along the line, a cut wire preventing electricity from being transmitted, even Grimer blocking the intake pipe if you want to think of this as a hydroelectric plant… or if you want to take examples directly from the show again), and it would have still made sense.
I could keep going and point out all the parts that just felt too generic to me, but the point is, there’s
still a lot to your plot that either feels like it happens for no reason (like the Cassidy and Butch scene) or feels like you’re just taking cues from the show. If you want to be
great, you’re going to have to be very careful in your planning. Don’t have things happen for no reason. If you bring in a set of characters (like Cassidy and Butch), have them be there for a reason that impacts Max’s overall plot — as in, have them be a constant presence, not a one-off plot point. Likewise, break away from the source material. Yes, you should respect canon, but if you take too much from the show, it ends up feeling as if not much of what’s going on is yours. You’ve got to take bigger risks than just having a match end in a draw. You’ve got to be creative with your moves
and your descriptions.
However, I will say that one thing that’s improved since I reviewed this last is the fact that the story feels like it has more of a plot besides “Max goes around and earns badges like a generic new trainer.” Yes, it’s interesting to see Max wanting to go find Ralts now. The main issue is that it’s taken a backseat to everything else so far, so up until this particular chapter, it’s felt like Max is primarily going around to earn badges and just happens to be on a quest to find Ralts, rather than like Max is primarily on a quest to find Ralts and just happens to be earning badges at the same time. That’s an issue because it feels like you’re
still trapped in the generic new trainer fic mindset, but you’re tacking the Ralts plot on as an afterthought. Of course, this chapter represents a shift in Max’s priorities, so it’s hard to say whether or not that feeling will continue in future episodes. I’m just saying that the feeling exists so far, so that’s something that you’ll want to be aware of.
With that said, let’s talk about this chapter, shall we?
(Max is shown in the Pokemon Center, chatting with his parents.)
One of the things to be aware of is something called the passive voice. It’s when you use a form of “be” (like is) and a verb instead of an action verb (a verb by itself). Passive voice tends to be weaker than active voice (the action verb), meaning it doesn’t give a reader quite as strong of a mental image. In this case, sure, we see Max talking with his parents, but it would be much,
much stronger if you said something like, “Max sits in the Pokémon Center and talks to his parents.” That way, we can clearly see what Max is doing, rather than feel like we’re simply being told that’s what he’s doing.
That’s particularly important for scripts because stage directions are all about actions. They’re telling actors (or animators) what to do when. If you just say “he’s being shown,” that doesn’t tell them what you want them to do at the beginning of the scene.
Moreover, this seems rather redundant
anyway because the dialogue shows us that he’s chatting with his parents. Remember what I said earlier about not including stage directions if you make that action obvious later? This is one of those cases. You don’t need to tell us that he’s chatting with his parents. We can already tell by reading Norman and Caroline’s lines.
(Turns back and looks for somebody.)
Not to confuse you, but stage directions that are attached to dialogue lines don’t need to be capitalized or punctuated unless you’re writing out full sentences.
Hyphenate “black-haired.” The reason why is because it’s serving as a single adjective.
boy with a red cap comes out…
You don’t need an ellipsis. This sentence has a definite end and doesn’t trail off, so it needs a stronger end than what an ellipsis indicates.
Max is stunned and is happy to see him.)
Again, this is made obvious by Max’s lines, so you don’t need to tell us this.
Ash: "I am glad to see you, Max!
I find it odd that Ash isn’t using contractions here. Ash’s speech is normally extremely casual, so he’s very prone to using contractions (or even lopping off ends of words, which you don’t need to indicate but just saying). With script fics, you have to be extra careful about getting a character’s speech habits down right because you actually have to be more conscious of characterization than someone who’s writing prose. Why? Because like I said, scripts are all about telling other people how to act in addition to showing them a story. So you have to be very careful in how you present your characters because you’re basically telling someone who’s playing Ash what sort of person Ash is.
Norman (To Ash): "Let me take it from here." (To Max) "These tournaments are specialized on a single type of Pokemon, so each trainer in each battle are allowed to use only one type of Pokemon throughout the tourney.”
Why couldn’t Ash explain this? That might help prevent this explanation from sticking out too much. Right now, it seems abrupt, like those moments I told you about earlier where you’d show us information and then immediately change topics. In this case, it feels like specialty tournaments are being built up to be the focus of the chapter because multiple people are talking about it, but it’s not. However, if Ash talked about it and was the only one to explain what they were, that would read as Ash simply being excited about the tournament. It would be in-character too. Of
course Ash would go off and talk about something exciting that he was doing because he’s a very excitable character, so of course he’d feel the need to tell Max
all about his latest challenge.
Caroline (from the other room): "Norman, dear, help me to take the flour from the shelf.”
One of the reasons why people have been telling you to get a beta is less because of your spelling and grammar and more because of your language usage. Right now, it’s sort of obvious that English isn’t your first language (if I may put that gently) because you
still write a lot of things that are technically grammatically correct but
not correct when it comes to how people speak in English. So while there’s nothing to correct in terms of the sentence structure, it still feels awkward to someone who speaks the language fluently.
In this case, “take the flour” is too vague, and no one says things like that because of how vague it is for a command. A reader might think Norman is going to take a bag of flour from the shelf, but it could also mean to a reader that Norman is going to take flour directly from the shelf (as in, it spilled, and someone has to clean it up). How would a native speaker say this command?
Caroline: “Norman, dear, help me get the flour down.”
She’s most likely standing by the shelf anyway, so she’ll point out where it is as soon as he gets there. That being said, this is a lot clearer to a reader because it conjures a mental image of a flour bag out of Caroline’s reach, so she needs Norman to get it for her, rather than that he needs to clean it up.
Of course, many native English speakers would actually
ask instead of
command, so the line could also be this:
Caroline: “Norman, dear, could you help me get the flour?”
This also avoids the pesky preposition-at-the-end-of-a-sentence problem, but it still preserves the clarity that is Caroline can’t get the (bag of) flour herself and needs Norman’s help.
Like I said, things like this are actually why you need a beta. Yes, you’ve went on and on about how this story is your own, but there’s two things to remember:
1. Even native English speakers use beta readers.
2. There are some things you won’t learn via textbooks or guides. There’s a lot of nuances to the English language, and really, only someone who will work with you closely
before you post can help you with that. It’s unfair to readers to force them to read awkwardly written lines and expect them to correct your use of English for you after you post a chapter; that’s not what reviewers are for. Reviewers are meant to help you develop your abilities
when you’ve submitted the best work you can. Submitting awkwardly worded English because you refuse to work with a beta reader isn’t submitting the best work you possibly can because you haven’t exhausted all your resources to clean your chapters up.
In short, I’m sorry, but saying you refuse to get a beta reader because you want your work to be your own doesn’t sit well with me
at all. Betas do the exact same thing reviewers do
before you release chapters so that reviewers don’t have to wade through errors and point them out for you. That way, your audiences can focus on the story instead of stop and say to themselves, “That is a
really awkward line.”
Yes, I know that you have fans and that you’re trying to please them, but if you asked me, you’re clearly trying to please people who
won’t immediately tell you that you did an awesome job. Not to be blunt about it. Just averting a row we’ve had earlier.
Ash: "You can count on me!
Another awkward point of English: this is a phrase that’s only used if someone is being asked (in the sense of being commanded) to do something. For example, if I asked you to get the next chapter up in a day, you can respond with “you can count on me” because you’re telling me that you’re reliable and that you can get what I asked you to do done when I wanted you to do it. In this case, it doesn’t really make sense for Ash to say it because Max isn’t telling him to go to Sootopolis. He’s asking him if it’s actually possible for Ash to be there in a short time frame, so Ash has no reason to tell Max that he’s reliable.
Ash: "That's awesome job, Max!”
That’s
an awesome job. You’ll need the article before the adjective because it sounds awkward otherwise.
Max: "Thanks! Ash, can you call my Mom, please?”
Words like “mom” and “dad” only get capitalized if they can be replaced by the person’s name. For example, if you can replace “Mom” with “Caroline” in this sentence and still have it make sense, you can capitalize it. However, doing so here would result in “can you call my Caroline,” which reads awkwardly. Therefore, you shouldn’t capitalize it.
(Walks in the other room.)
Walks
to the other room. Or
into. He’s not there yet, so he can’t walk in the other room unless he can teleport.
Caroline (smiles): "Sure!" (Comes to the videophone) "Yeah, Max?”
“Yeah” might be too informal for this situation, and it might therefore cause Caroline to sound like she’s brushing Max off. Try “yes” instead.
"Yeah! She's been really busy, she has 4 ribbons by now.”
Write out all numbers from zero to one hundred.
Also, try the period trick. Remember how I suggested that every time you write a comma, you should replace it with a period first and see if you get two sentences as a result? (If not, you’re welcome.) In this case, replacing the comma with a period results in two complete sentences — ones that make sense on their own. Because of that, you’re going to have to make a decision on how to punctuate this line so you can avoid a run-on (which
is a legitimate grammatical error, not just one about nuances).
"A-a-a-aww... Oh, I am worn out."
This seems rather abrupt. Max was fine (even excited) up until this point, so it reads a lot like you were trying to find a way to end the conversation because you had nothing else to have the characters say. I would suggest drawing out the conversation a bit more until you get to a more natural end. Think about the way you talk to someone on the phone or over a chat program. What kinds of things get you off the line?
Caroline: "Oh, I understand, good night dear!”
Another instance of a comma splice. In this case, “I understand” and “good night” are actually two separate, complete thoughts, so that’s why they need a period between them.
Also, you’re missing a comma for your direct address. As in, a comma needs to be after “night” because “dear” is a word indicating Caroline is addressing Max directly. You separate direct address with a comma.
Same thing here.
And here.
(Turns off the videophone and comes to a Nurse Joy)
Goes to. Again, “comes to” isn’t something a native speaker would say unless:
1. The character is already traveling and happens to come
across someone (and even then, you need “across” for it to make sense).
2. Sex is involved.
So… yeah. To avoid awkward situations, be careful about how English speakers would phrase what they have to say. Different words in different contexts may have slang or informal meanings, so it’s up to you as an author to be aware of that and to know how to avoid saying the wrong thing in the wrong situation. It’s not up to a reader to correct you or to fix your work mentally so they can understand what you were actually trying to say.
This is what I meant by direct address, by the way. This sentence is written correctly, with the comma in its proper place.
…But then you drop the comma usage for some reason.
Max: “I won a badge, thanks Nurse Joy for healing my Pokemon!.”
Another comma splice. Also, you don’t need a period at the very end of this line.
Nurse Joy (smiles): “Oh, no problem! And you know, we have free rooms upstairs.”
Why would she need to tell him this? Sure, he might be obviously tired, but this tends to be a given. That’s why it’s probably never brought up in the show.
(Chansey shows him the room.)
Because of how quickly this happens, this actually conjures a hilarious mental image (of Chansey being on a game show showing contestant Max a room briefly). Be very careful in how quickly you’re going. Have Chansey take the time to lead Max out of the main room and to the upstairs location to indicate a slight shift in time and setting. That way, you avoid unintentional hilarity.
Direct address.
(Max lies in his bed and turns the light off.
Again, if you’re writing stage directions, tell us about all the actions a character is taking. Don’t just say “lies in his bed” right after speaking with Chansey because that indicates he has teleportation powers. Instead, tell us he walks to his bed and flops down (which also tells an actor or animator how tired he is, allowing them to portray him correctly), possibly while including that Chansey is leaving (to avoid implying that Chansey is watching him sleep like the creeper I’m hoping she’s not).
Max can't fall asleep, he remembers himself and Ralts.)
Comma splice.
“Goodbye Ralts, you take care.
Comma splice
and direct address.
Remember to proofread before posting, regardless of whether or not you get a beta reader. That way, you can avoid awkward typos that are pretty easy to work out by yourself, like this moment when one word is trying to eat the other.
crying, runs and jumps into Max’s hands.)
I would suggest actually writing a compound sentence here. As in, instead of listing off actions, insert a conjunction (and, but, or, for, nor, yet, so) and a subject right after the comma. The reason why is you’re actually going into a new train of thought (what Ralts does after crying), so it reads as if it’s a separate entity. That is, it sort of reads awkwardly as it is, but it’d read much better if you said, “Ralts starts crying, and it runs and jumps into Max’s hands.” (Possibly with a little extra dressing — like a “then” in the second half of the sentence — to show us when or how it runs and jumps.)
(Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock and May alongside with Nurse Joy
Why isn’t Nurse Joy separated from the list of characters present? It might read a bit less awkwardly if you just included her (as in, said something like “Gardevoir, Kirlia, Ash, Brock, May, and Nurse Joy”). Right now, she’s floating off to the side for some reason.
That and “alongside with” doesn’t make sense in English. You either have “alongside” by itself (to indicate
where they’re standing) or “along with” (to indicate who’s there as well) but not both. I will also tell you right now that “along with” is incredibly redundant because of what I said a moment ago (about how there’s really no reason why Nurse Joy should be separated from the other characters). “Alongside,” meanwhile, literally tells us where in proximity to the Nurse Joy the others are standing, so I’m not pretty sure that’s not what you meant.
stand near a Pokemon Center and a wind takes leaves by a blow.
First and foremost, try the period trick here by replacing the conjunction (“and” in this case) with a period. Notice that you get two complete sentences as a result? That’s your cue to add a comma somewhere in this line so that you can separate one complete thought from another.
Second, this is another situation where you have a line that native English speakers wouldn’t actually say. We don’t say “by a blow” at all; we say things like “a wind blows leaves around.”
In fact, I think it’s safe to say that our usage of “take” is pretty limited. It’s actually a rather vague verb unless it’s being used for its literal purpose (as in, unless it’s being used exactly as it’s defined in the dictionary, even when it’s in an idiom). While we’re no strangers to vague phrases (e.g., passive voice), we don’t use generally use words that don’t entirely fit our situation when we’ve got plenty of other words that do.
Ralts (doesn’t want to go)
It’s clear that Ralts doesn’t want to go because of how it reacts. Use the stage direction to tell us what its voice sounds like, rather than what its intent is.
Also, you’re missing a colon ( : ) here.
(answers with a serious voice):
Again, it’s clear that he’s answering, so you don’t need to tell us that. You
do need to tell us his tone, but you can easily say that with “seriously” or “in a serious voice.” (Hint: I would suggest using an adverb here.)
But we don’t have the other choice. What do you think when I become older and maybe you want to travel with me?”
This is another instance where you have a character say a line that sounds incredibly awkward and unnatural to a native English speaker (and therefore another example of why you need a beta reader). No one would say things like “don’t have the other choice” or “when I become older,” and having “maybe you want to travel with me” as a question immediately marks you as someone who’s unfamiliar with the way English works. (Not to be blunt about it, but that kind of sentence structure is actually stereotypical for caricatures of people who aren’t fluent in English. You end up making fun of your character by having them speak that way… or worse, you make fun of
yourself if you have them do it unintentionally.)
What we
do say is “don’t have
any other choice” and “when I get older.” We also say, “Would you want to travel with me?” We also say, “Maybe you could travel with me” (as in, making it into a statement).
Either way, it strikes me as odd that you phrased things yourself because you could have just as easily gone to the episode (as it’s dubbed in English) and copied Max’s lines word-for-word. Sure, you want this work to be your own, but you’re also writing a flashback to an episode. It’d be awkward
not to have the line written exactly as it is in the show because, well, you’re showing us what happened in the show. That and it would have helped you avoid incredibly awkward phrasing.
Max (happy too): “That’s awesome, so you can hope me to coming back some day.”
Comma splice. Also, this is awkward phrasing. No one says “hope me to,” and we certainly don’t use gerunds (verb ending in ing) with the word “to” (because that’s mixing together verb forms). We
do say things like, “You can count on me to come back someday.” (Yes, “someday” is one word in this case.) We also say things like, “I’ll come back for you someday,” which I think is closer to what he actually says in the show.
It’s clear who Ralts is addressing thanks to what it actually says, so you don’t need to say, “tells Max.”
“Promise me Max, promise that you’ll come back to take me.”
Comma splice
and direct address.
Also, very awkward use of “take” because to an English speaker, that says Ralts is hoping to be
kidnapped. English speakers in this situation would probably say something along the lines of, “Promise that you’ll come back to get me” or (more appropriately in order to avoid implying that Ralts wants to be murdered) “Promise that you’ll come back for me.”
…But again, you could have just lifted their lines from the episode.
Direct address.
I promise you to come back for you!
Awkward wording. Drop the first “you,” and it’d be a bit better. English speakers don’t really say, “I promise you
to [insert promise here].” We say things like, “I promise you
that I will [insert something here].” It’s just because we like to emphasize who’s making the promise whenever we make one. That and, well, it’s just never said the way you’ve written it (with the receiver of the promise written just before an infinitive).
Max: “I gave it a promise”.
“I
made a promise.” (You can have “it” after “made,” but that tends to be a rarer sentence structure.) English speakers don’t
give people promises. We
make them.
Also, I’m not sure why the period is hanging out outside of the quotation marks, but you may want to look into that.
(Makes a pause and says with a deep voice).
Same thing (about the period) here.
Also, this is awkwardly worded too. English speakers do not
make a pause. They just pause.
Max (takes the clothes up):
…What?
No, actually, that’s a legitimate question. Is he getting dressed? Is he shoving clothes into his satchel (especially given that you didn’t mention him getting dressed before going to bed anyway, and we don’t see him wearing pajamas in the show)? Is he literally taking clothes somewhere? What’s going on in that stage direction?
Max: "Good morning, Nurse Joy!”
Another example of direct address done correctly. I thought it’d be worth it to point it out, just so you’d have an example of how it works. Also, I’m hoping that by seeing when you
do punctuate direct address correctly, you can start to think about how you see the rules. Think about why you added a comma here and apply the same rule to the other sentences I pointed out.
Nurse Joy: "Best of luck to you!”
This feels rather abrupt. I mean, I’m pretty sure Nurse Joy didn’t know about the Ralts (or isn’t aware of what Max means by finding his friend), so it’s awkward that all she has to say is “best of luck” with enthusiasm. There’s no confusion here, no attempt to help Max, nothing that would make it clear that this moment (wherein she appears and wishes him luck)
has to be in this scene.
Max: "Thanks a lot!" (Comes out of the Pokemon Center.)
(Max comes out
Be careful about being redundant. In this case, you say that Max is coming out of the Pokémon Center, and literally the next thing you say right after that describes Max coming out of the Pokémon Center. I would drop the stage direction immediately after what Max says if you need help figuring out how to work out the redundancy, if only because the next line is actually a lot stronger.
and sees a boy in a blue T-shirt, red shirts
This boy is wearing multiple shirts?
(Pretty sure you mean “shorts” here, but that
was the first thought I had when I read that line.)
Max (exclaims): "Benjamin!”
Because Benjamin was already introduced in a past episode, I don’t think you need to describe him. Even then, the description is so vague and generic that I actually thought this was a brand-new character that you were about to have ambush Max. (As in, it didn’t give readers any sense that this was actually a specific character because those details could have been attached to anyone — or in other words, you didn’t provide any specific details that could indicate that this character was one we met before.)
Max: "Great, I've earned my third badge!”
Comma splice, actually. The “great” is a complete thought because it answers Benjamin’s question directly.
Spell out “okay.” It’s too informal (in terms of writing) otherwise.
Benjamin: "Yeah, but still..”
Ellipses need at least three dots. They never use just two.
Unless Max suddenly has telepathy, drop the “thinks.” If you want to show us that he’s being thoughtful or contemplative, say “contemplative” instead. Right now, this stage direction reads less like something telling us how you want his line to be spoken and more like an actual action, so you’re saying that he’s
thinking that line, rather than saying it out loud.
(They sit on Benjamin's bike and they head to Slateport City.)
Try the period trick again. These are actually two separate thoughts, so you’ll need a comma here.
So, let’s talk about how it did overall. I don’t have many comments about plot because, well, there wasn’t much going on here. Ash was introduced formally, and he’s announced that he’s going to be competing in a Hoenn-based tournament. Okay, so that sets up a meeting later. Meanwhile, Max decides to go find Ralts, but that’s something he’s said in a previous chapter. It was rather easy to figure out who Ash was before he was actually named (even if your description wasn’t that detailed), so there really weren’t that many plot twists or reveals here. It was, as you’ve said, just a filler chapter, but it felt like it was a filler chapter that was lacking. The only real bit of new and important information it provided was the fact that Ash is in Hoenn. That’s… really not much. Even filler episodes in the show usually have more going on besides a few lines of a phone conversation and a flashback.
In terms of characterization, there’s still not that much going on. I felt that Ash was a bit off because he let himself get interrupted by Norman, which prevented his excitement from shining through. Also, when he spoke, he sounded weirdly stiff and formal for Ash, but that was in part because of the way you delivered his lines. Nurse Joy didn’t really serve much of a purpose in this chapter, and while Max was much better than he was in past chapters, much of the reason why has to do with the fact that there was a lot of emotion in the flashback — as in, in the scene that already happened in canon.
A lot of what messed up the chapter, though, was its delivery, if you don’t mind me saying. You still have a lot of issues with commas, and it looks like you could proofread a bit more thoroughly (what with the Raltstarts bit and all).
More importantly, there’s a lot of issues with nuances and redundancy. For nuances, like I said, there’s a lot of delicacy in the English language. You had a
lot of phrases that English speakers just
don’t say, and that caused a lot of your dialogue and stage directions to feel awkward, unnatural, and sometimes even wooden. These are issues that can be
very disruptive to readers or at least affect the way they enjoy your work. These are also issues that you won’t be able to work out on your own unless you’re incredibly fluent with the English language or working with someone who is. Right now, while your English isn’t super terrible, it’s also not up to snuff to proofread for these things yourself. I can say that because if it
was up to snuff, I wouldn’t have to say, “English speakers wouldn’t say something like this.” And I mean that in the gentlest way possible, for serious. I know there's not that many tactful ways to put that, but I really do feel like this is a problem that you probably wouldn't spot on your own. I mean, I know it's difficult working with a foreign language, and nuances are pretty much the
hardest thing to master, even when you've got the actual grammar and spelling down pat. It's difficult to say when the nuances part of English will become natural to you, but I can tell right now that you're struggling with it and can definitely use outside help.
That’s why you should be working with a beta reader — because there are things you wouldn’t be able to figure out on your own because language books and websites won’t teach you those kinds of lessons. A native speaker or a fluent speaker will be able to tell you before you post whether or not the things you’re writing sound natural, and that will help you work out the parts of your work that are right now actually disruptive and preventing it from being as good as it can be.
Meanwhile, with your stage directions, you just have to ask yourself whether or not your readers can figure out what you’re about to write just by looking at the context. For example, if Max is leaving a Pokémon Center, you don’t need to say it twice, and if it’s obvious that Max is happy just by what he says, you don’t need to say so.
Also? Let me be blunt for a second.
P.S. I have a feeling that right now I am actually writing a better story than writers themselves
Forgive me if I'm missing a bit of light-heartedness, buuuuut that may not be that difficult, though. And even then, there's a lot of differences. For example, Jessie and James actually had an effect on the plot; Butch and Cassidy were only in the fic just to serve as the plot point for one scene. The rest (such as the battle) read just like the anime, so I’m actually of the opinion that I’d get a story of equal quality out of watching the show, only the dialogue would feel a lot more natural and the characters would feel like they have a major purpose in the overall plot. No offense intended, of course. Just saying that if you have to compare yourself to the writers of any canon, you had
better be sure that your work brings something new and different to the table while doing an amazing job with plot and characterization. Right now, I’m just not feeling it.
Point is, you’ve got to knock it off with the bragging. I don’t know, for example, where you won that award, but it’s not from Serebii’s because we haven’t even held it yet. (We haven’t even done nominations, and the ballots that were submitted by mistake already didn’t even nominate you. Seriously, where did that even come from?) I know you’re looking for support, but it’s really off-putting, if I may say so. It says to a potential reviewer that you already think your work is amazing, and that doesn’t advertise well for the experienced ones because usually when people show that they think their work is already amazing, they’re also usually super-resistant to feedback. Not only that, but also, it makes you look like an amateur (not saying you
are one, just that you
could look like one) because you have to insist that your story is anything more than mediocre instead of letting it speak for itself. I’ve already told you all this, even, which is probably why I'm so frustrated by seeing it crop up again.
Simply put, you’ve got to let your work speak for itself. Don’t brag or hype it up because the more you do that, the more that reflects badly on
you as a writer. Take compliments gracefully (read: without bragging). It'll definitely help you out in the end, I think.
With all of that said, honestly? You’re a good guy, Real, but I stand by what I said earlier about your writing. It just isn’t doing it for me. Your plot is generic, your characterization is sparse, your description seems to be good in some places and lacking in others (like the displays of Max’s amazing teleportation skills), and the number one thing that was killing your story when I last reviewed it — the way you used the language — is still an issue now. I’m sorry, but I’m just not that interested. And I’d be happy to help, but given how much you’ve been going on about how your story is great/how you’re the best fic writer of 2012/et cetera and resisting probably the only solution to your biggest problem, I’m not sure how much you can benefit from my help unless I actually beta read for you… which I’m thinking is probably not going to be do-able, both because of your aversion to beta readers and because of my schedule.
Sorry.